memories
shattered into a thousand pieces
thinking about the past
constantly
memories
of you everywhere
our sayings
our places
now
in the present
have no meaning
pretending
nothing happened and the past is the past
but the memories
always present
i can go there with somebody else but
it's not the same
because the memories
will always
be with you

nineteen years young
absent all this time
then suddenly
my eyes are open

i've stopped looking
found you at last

all those kisses with randoms on a friday night
seeking validation and some kind of affection
or just attention seeking
looking for some kind of connection

nothing else matters anymore
this is a different kind of love
a love where my heart aches after a few days without you
making me smile
making me cry
making life worthwhile

i am finally safe

all these 'friends'

surrounded
by unknown faces
and unknown strangers

feels like you can never
truly know these people
how do you know
their true opinions of you

everything could just be a lie
their smiles
their compliments
all for show

keep on treading down this
slippery *****
all
the
way
to
total

paranoia

it's always the bad times
the regrets i think of
when i'm overthinking
and it's 3am
and i feel like the only person on earth
awake and alive

it's never the good things that come back to me
it's just constant to focus on the negativity
the bad

the thing is they are the moments
the unchangeable
the things i regret
if only i had foreseen
what i was going to do
it would we easier to forget

regrets are permanent
until i can learn to overcome
tears
blood
sweat

they're unchangeable

pushed
away and away
i'll never forget

she lives a life full of regret
she gets drunk
she only wants to forget
but when she wakes
she remembers all too well
the pain and destruction of the night
each memory comes back
it is painful
the lack of control

'you'll get a reputation'
they all whisper and stare
their eyes bore into her back

she is lost in an endless ocean of regret
she only wanted to forget
but now everything is worse

i am so tired of being alone
i crave love
but noone comes

too many insecurities
and too many flaws
they are my minds weakness
but they are what my eyes see
and my brain processes
and amplifies

my flaws are what I make of them

if you live in the moment

you must pay for it

being spontaneous
will damage you

stupid decisions
and
stupid actions

wait
don't define me by those
i was just trying to live
my life
in the moment
with no regrets

but the regrets always come after
when life runs you down and reminds you
you can't be so carefree
not in this world

well I'll just do my thing
and you just turn a blind eye

why
does
distance
hurt
so
much
i
am
seriously
broken

all those drunken nights
taking their toll
now she is a wreck
her body has been used
it's been abused
she's broken

sometimes I don't know what I am doing
or where I am going
but I feel guided
like I'm being led onto a path
towards what I will one day treasure

and sometimes I get lost
doesn't everybody?
i trip up
i fall down
i wander from the path
just like the times I lose sight of what truly matters
i hide away from others
i let my mind run rampant with dark thoughts
and i feel this haunting loneliness

but then i remember the infinite path
i guess it's the journey with its many roads
and crossroads
and sometimes there will be dead ends
and I will stray into the darkest depths of the wilderness
but I will have the strength to pick myself up
to recognise some people stay in life
yet others leave
I might be broken and I might be shattered
but I'll take the memories
and carry on going

it's that sense of being guided
that innate sense of direction

even if it takes my whole life
I will reach my destination
I will keep going

sometimes
you get what you want
when it's too late
you bear the pain
and learn to move on
you realise it just isn't worth it
but the lesson is a lasting one I guess
an indentation on the body and soul
a lesson of patience and having faith in things worth waiting for
sometimes
you don't always get what you wish for
but in time you will feel the love you strive toward
you will acknowledge the pain you did endure
and understand what it is you are living for

it's
   the
       dull
             aching
                      feeling
                              rising
                                     deep
                                         within
                                             my  
                                                chest

sinking further and further down
into the aqueous depths
the water slowly but confidently filling up the lungs
the body has no way to breathe
it's suffocating itself

looks peaceful from above the calm waters
but the violence of the illusion is beneath the waves

they can never see how I am suffering
because they just see me at face value
they don't try and uncover these waters
their eyes are too oblivious to see these struggles
fake a smile and no questions are ever asked

I try to escape upwards
instead I sink further downwards
it's that thing called gravity
the thing that draws me back to you time and time again
the thing that now pulls me down
unto the depths of the ocean
unto the lowest point of the earth.

it's drowning in a sea of emotion
I know now I should have taken more caution

i can't stop it

I'm just searching for something simple
Something to make me happy
or someone

and I feel like they're just around the corner
I feel they are close

Perhaps I've already found my happiness
In knowing that I am out of sadness and pain
and into these happy thoughts

I always wonder how life would be different
if I had said all those unspoken thoughts
locked up inside my head

losing sight of reality
these drunken stupors
control these minds
and control my futures

he told me once to make mistakes so you learn from them
but I just can't stop living in regret
in regret of the past
in regret of all of the terrible things I have done

bruises all over my body
reminders of the damage that has been done
once such an innocent girl
now everything has overcome

but when people say her name
it is not the innocent girl brought to their attention
no- it is the identity that she has become
they are the labels tied to her
for the future
because of the things she has done

yet nobody will save her
just leave her out of sight
out of mind
she is the one going insane
yet she is the same person/ she still bears the same name
she can change
but she cannot rewrite the past
the past must remain completed and done

but as he once said
the past does not define you
so stand up once again from the fall
stand up stronger
perhaps the scars will never fade
but the memories of the inflicted pain
can be replaced
then you will be a new person
because of the things you have faced

come back to reality
and start living

she wishes to leave this place
to fly away
and tempt another fate

to travel miles and miles
to start again
in another place

she wants to rid herself of
selfishness
greed
hostility

she wants to begin again

I'm lying awake at midnight
all I long for is a simple touch
one person I want to be there
I'm waiting and waiting
an endless wait

no sooner I become restless
my eyes have closed
my conscious is at rest
however he still stirs my thoughts

ever so silently I dream
of a love that could so simply be real

we bathe in such sweet happiness
we laugh again and again
till the tears stream down our love-struck faces

the eyelids flicker
the unconscious
turns into conscious.

he fades
it is no longer the laughs she hears in her dreams
but the inner cries of her desires
longing for his eyes
longing for his touch

and longing for his love

mistakes must be made
in order
for lessons to be learned

fate is the strangest thing
Because if I had known I'd end up with a broken heart
I wouldn't have sold it to you at the start

I lie on the bed
While your gentle caress sweeps across my skin
But I can't help
Thinking why you want me
When there's so many other fish in the sea

you're fortunate she says
How can she judge
From the materialistic outside shell
The hidden interior battle shields the inside
Shooting bullets of uncertainty
Shattering the nerve endings
Crushing the esteem built from childhood
Coating every fibre with tears
Keeping its silence locked
in chains deep within

Very fortunate she says
Yet the battle continues to scrape the edges of destruction
But she cannot see
She is oblivious to it all
Because it is hiding
- taking shelter in the trenches of my fragile body

Longing for just one more day
Longing for a simple delay
I don't want to leave but i can't overstay

Longing for something far away
Longing for a full replay
Longing to be back
**Please point the way

piercing rain
forcing the sun to retreat
Summer replaced by a rainy haze
Happiness replaced by a cooling daze

Oh
But how fast the clouds do reappear
They fog up my mind
Leave my thoughts unclear
Oh
But how fast the clouds do disappear
My mind brightens
Everything left crystal clear

Drops escalating down my face
Evaporating by destined fate
Sadness never lasting too long
The rain is ceasing
Dancing gradually
To the sweetened tune of its song
The harsh song of sadness

it is the realization
it is 'coming to terms with'
but how can I do that
am I supposed to forget the past?
or imagine a future-
but now erase you from it?

I don't like the word: death
the end
distant, ceasing, forgotten
however
I want to give it a new meaning
to help me 'come to terms with'

it is about remembering
your harmonic laugh and contagious smile
your whispered secrets
captured in my ears for eternity
I will treasure them
those are the moments I will
Remember

forget you? - how could I?
I know you're reading this
so please help me by

saying goodbye is too hard for me
like i'm erasing the past
moving on
i don't want to forget you
but
in time the memories fade
and it will be hard for me to hold on

distance makes my feelings unclear
you're 400 miles away yet you feel so near
it seems impossible that a love so strong
can exist and be felt over a distance so long
i know we mightn't ever meet
but without you
i know i would feel
**incomplete

you're always in my head
i close my tired blue eyes at night
i cannot see you
but i can picture you
i close my eyes tighter but your figure is still there
i cannot get you out of my thoughts
i cannot get you out of my head

the pain pierces into me
i want to tell you
help me get better
its time for you to know

please be my backbone
please hold me tight
when the pain starts
whisper to me that everything will all be alright

you were the first
the very first
i remember the first time you looked at me
a glance for a second too long
we were both so enchanted

i was the one for you
no one else mattered
everything was centred around you
i never wanted to let you go

our slow walks through the autumn woods
our skates across the winter ice

then the spring came
with it brought new life
i remember when you told me you loved me
we kissed
just a delicate pressing of the lips
sealing us together

you said "what's next?"
i pulled you into my embrace
you kept kissing me and kissing me
i felt like i was falling

falling into the depths of love
oh so carelessly
my infatuation with you had filled my mind
i knew love was dangerous  
but we were one now

we couldn't stop ourselves
we kept falling deeper into the realm
we were happy

months later
the love i felt had begun to fade away
the passionate embraces
replaced by lustful behaviour
i knew

we were falling out of love
and into lust

come back my love
my first love

your deep brown eyes stare back into mine
you can read my mind
you know exactly what i think
there is no need for clarification or confirmation
i know that this is love

it is a strange thing
it is an invisible string
pulling me ever closer to you

why does my happiness depend on you
why is it so difficult to make myself happy
but so easy for others around me to make me happy

and you're oblivious to it all

your mind is like the ocean
a constant wave of emotion
for a second it was a storm of hate crashing out
now it is a calm tide of love surfacing about

beneath the tides lie countless wrecks
like memories resting inside my head
I thought I'd forgotten
placed them deep below
but they surface from time to time
trying to stay afloat  

my mind has a never ending complexity
I own it - yet struggle to control it
it is drowning in emotion
it is struggling to keep afloat

but for now I will bathe in the undisputed unknown

like a whisper
i hear it calling me
inviting me
it waits for me

another single soul
out there in oblivion

one day we will meet
one day we will fall in love

up in the sky
like a distant bird
up so high
so unheard
the clouds pass by
one by one
I'm high oh so high in the sky

I lose my breath                                  
I lose my air
insufficient oxygen
in my lungs

I am binded to the solid ground
trapping me to an endless void

the smoke rises
carelessly coating my lungs
swiftly shattering my nerves
immediately swallowing my thoughts

I abandon myself
I breathe it in
silently it intoxicates me

its power has no limits
it is beyond my comprehension

however
my heart struggles
it is damaging my soul
but I am helpless
my conscience is locked into my mind
the keys have gone
the lonely stars are my only onlookers
i help myself in this infinite emptiness
starlight pierces into my dark perplexed eyes
smoke still blinding my senses

I wish to see the glimmer of the stars
not the blinding light
I have consciously made them become  
I want to see the world
I want to breathe
I want to be free
for the smoke to lift
for everything to return to focus