I believe that these poems changed me,
That they changed the way I view the world.
I believe they changed the way I think of things,
And the way my feelings wirl.

I have lost my ability to write.
And with that, I lost a part of myself

Dear G,
Maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't. It's up to you, really. I don't wanna say I miss you, because it feels wrong to admit that I, in fact, do miss you. I'm not supposed to miss you, I'm supposed to be happier now. But I do miss you. It's one of the most awful feelings in the world, and every day I feel a little worse about letting you go. You're probably already over me, you're a strong person. Although, I still have no idea how you're doing. I know you're still talking to my best friend, but I have no idea how are are or what's going on in your life right now. I kind of wanted to stay in touch with you, but I didn't know how and you didn't seem that interested. I think I understand. I broke your heart, probably. I never meant to, but I just don't know how love works. I think I do understand why it hurts after almost 11 months of dating. I don't regret a single day though. I think I was already gone in my mind, months before. I thought I would feel better with this decision, but I feel lonely, so lonely. I'm not lonely, but it feels like it's growing every day. You don't have to take me back. God, I don't think I'd even wanna see myself again if I did that. I wouldn't take me back. But still, I want you back. I miss the way that the weekend sparkeled a bit because you were there. I miss the way you'd laugh, I miss the way you kissed me and I miss how you taste. Oh, I'd love to taste that again. Well, this is how it is now. I don't even remember your face. But maybe, if you changed your mind, we could be again. Only as friends, if that's what you want. Or you never speak to me again. No matter if it pains me, I just want you to be happy.
Sincerely, yours. Lillie.

30 days until 2020
And I still don't understand what 2019 did

I wanna feel good,
but not on my own.

I had a dream,
It was a pretty weird one.
I saw all black until the end,
And you were holding me.
Maybe it can be like that someday,
Would you want that?

I'm lost in a storm of  w  o   r    d     s
And I can't find the right ones

I can't keep up
I'm falling apart
And there's nothing poetic about it.

It might not be the right thing to do,
But it's the thing I wanna do.
And even though it would be better for me,
I can't live knowing I had this option too.

I'm sorry, life has been taking it's toll on me, and I can't keep up. I'm sorry.

I got my first masculine haircut today
:) :) :)

Dear {Deadname,}
Hi, it's me again. I just... I needed to write. I feel like I'm losing you, if I ever had you. You feel like a stranger to me, like somebody I used to know. It's like you're here, but you've dissapeared. Maybe that's because I am, in fact, losing you. Maybe that's because you're losing yourself in this place. Or, we're not losing anything. I don't know, And I want to figure it out but I don't know how to do that. I want to get to know you. I thought I did, but recently the world's been changing a lot, you know? We're all a little lost, and I know I need you here. You're mine, I know that, that's more than I could ever ask for already, but still.. It just doesn't feel right, and I wanna make it right. I don't know how, but maybe you can help me out. I'm sorry. I really am. For not knowing how to love you, or for not knowing how to help you. I wanna be there for you, but I feel like I'm failing. As a person, a brother, a boyfriend, a son. I'm falling, but maybe you can help me up?
Forever yours
Sincerely, Me

Dear {Deadname},
It's been a while, I'm sorry. I don't know if you want me to write to you, or if you want me to just talk. Maybe you don't even want that, I don't know. Maybe you just want me to show you how much I love you physically. (I don't mind any of that.) It's okay. Take your time to figure it out. Love's a weird thing. So is writing to you. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it's different now you're mine. The world changed, in a good way, but even good changes are different. I know that I want to love you. I just don't quite now how to love you yet, but I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Maybe it's kissing you every day, maybe it's writing a letter every night. Maybe it's both, or none at all. Love is not 'a thing.' It's different every single time. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. You have needs, things you want. So do I. I don't think I know you that well, and that's alright. (I hope...) I wanna get to know you. In every way. I don't know how. I don't know what the meaning of this letter is, but maybe that's the meaning.
Forever yours
Sincerely, Me

I keep telling myself that things will get better soon

"I still can't really explain it,
But have you ever seen all the firework go off at the same time at new years eve?
That's what it feels like to kiss you, and it gets better every single time."

Can I unsubscribe from gender?

My name is Evan,
I like to write.
My boyfriend's really inspiring
But inspiration comes at night

~   I
     Don't
     Wanna
                         F
                              E
                               ­     E
                                          L

Ever again.