Smoldering

Field of filth
Gurgling, gasping
life giving
Life Stealing
Enabling the choice to exist
To fumigate

But please
Look past me
she taught me all I know

Grotesque
An impassioned frown
Stitched with threads of action
I wear the robe of
Blistered goat skin

he wears the crown

Stones cast out over vast waters
Causing ripples I’ll never feel
Life arcs drawn beyond shores of mine
Real apart from Real

I’ll never feel the privileged pain
Pining for she who could love me so
I’ll never think to reminisce
On a life I’ll never know

Of everything that has graced
All my eyes have been brought to
Nothing in my small small world
Has ever approached the likes of you

Everything I could
Never think about

The only thing I do

Had the most horrific of seizures after the performance of a lifetime.

The drive isn’t that bad
Gas prices could be better
But I’ve never been one for excuses
Plus you couldn’t ask for better weather

Coffee sounds great
Although it’s secretly still something I can’t stand
Hot chocolate just tastes better
Plus energy is never lacking when you’re on hand

Because you are the person
I would want to see if this day was my last
If I were upon my death bed
My last breath being cast

Everything that was said
All the journeys we’ve led
All the blood that we’ve bled
The life-appetite we’ve fed
All this makes me want your hands on my head
As I lay upon that bed

Despite us leaving everything for dead
Letting our vibrant colors flow over in thick red

So.
Coffee.

“It feels like forever
Although some things do go without saying
Oh, yeah you can get your own drink
I guess I’m not used to you paying

I know its crazy
I should call more
I guess I’m just lazy

You look real good though
You seem like you’re doing well
You have your same glow”

And that’s as far as it gets
Outside my head at least
Because reality has this annoying habit
Of making things so difficult to be released
Especially all the moments I’ve collected
Held captive for you
I think they will make things better
Or at least act as some sort of glue
To hold together the pieces
I know still exist
Or at least I hope

But maybe you don’t
Maybe I just can’t resist

So all the bits of my plan
Dissolve into excuses
Just like the sugar in your drink
Diving under after stringing up nooses

But old habits die hard
Still effortlessly creating conversation
Our classic dueling talks
Balancing philosophy and humor upon relation
Like the things we want to do before we die
(They’re all still the same)
And sharing space with all my old jokes
(They’re all still pretty lame)

And then a moment
Or two
Where I feel myself pushing against
The backside of my eyeballs, wanting to break through

And I feel you push back
Towards me over this silent wave
And we simply exist
Is this cowardice or are we brave?

But now the coffee is out
Our lives call us back
We are done
Just like that

Walking out I see my vision
Marred only by your presence
The very thing I set out to revisit
Remains simply a formless essence

So I drive.
It’s a long drive

I embrace my own journey and place
Reflecting on your influence, weighing each case
And trace the space you’ve forced me to face

I can’t live every day like it’s my last
Because then I’d just be making trips to you
And can’t afford the gas

Inaction in action
A most frightening thing

Eyes flash from green to brown
Was that a smile or one of your cute frowns?
I can’t tell up from down
In this vacant hole

I feel like I am supposed to remember

Impact has dried up
Like a drought that makes farmers
Wonder if their crop ever did flourish
Or if the dust simply snuck into their heads
With paintbrushes and vivid imaginations
Of what fresh picked berries once tasted like

I want to run
Faster than ever to where I once was
To where my emotions began
To when a kiss was still intoxicating
And you smiled at clasped hands

Mirrors in my mind turn
Reflections of you blur
Engraved lessons I’ve learned

Were you ever my home?
I trace the walls of your character
Each knot and groove familiar
Reflexive fingertips
Gliding over walls as they turn inside out

I forgot what all this was about

Do I long for a light that once shown
Or just another culpable excuse
To regain the throne
My wishful thinking kingdom
Though my senses are honed
To both authenticity and mirage
I fear I am equally prone

Even so.

If…

If you were ever
Or still are
And we cross paths again
Or maybe for the first time

Kiss me with your brown eyes
Or were they green?
And I will try my best to recognize
A love I fear I’ve never seen

But I can’t muster pursuit when consciousness is stolen by a dream

Inaction in action
Is a most frightening thing

Double sided

Your presence always accompanied
By the most dreadful momentum

You are gaining speed
You are losing peace
You are giving the lead
To a power that won’t cease

It’s cloaked in impulse
A body of desire
Though intention rests in its holsters
Pride is all it fires

Swirling beauty slow down!
Running too fast for those
Who can recognize to see
And those who can’t to catch

You champion hope by burying action
With action of the wrong kind
This version of hope doesn’t
Liberate, but rather infects the mind

Hope was meant to inspire
Not fuel a pointless fire
You’ve made your conscience a liar
Dragging ideals through the mire

Shadow-kissed
A waste of this
Inverting experiences
You won’t want to reminisce

A romance not worth a single ounce
Of the blood you’ve already lost
Put to death that with which you lay
If only you knew the cost

Why can’t you see the bottom?

My feet are in pain
From holding my ground
But still I remain
Enduring the sound
Of the enemy’s gain
On my position now found

The offensive!
The mud and dust
Swirling about, pining
For my dedication to rust
Or me to find my cause unjust
Though I waver not
My feet planted a must

I cannot say
If it is my
Head or my
Heart that keeps
Them in place
Refusing to start
The process of retreat
My resolve won’t be beat

Though I am unsure
If I am avoiding or
Embracing defeat

I must soon make
Distinction between
Perseverance and deceit
As I know eventually
My Maker I will meet
Am I holding His line
Or withholding Him
His proper seat?

All I know for certain
As I endure the wind and sleet
Is the acute awareness of the
Other. The
Same. With
True love replete.

He loved the lovable
And the unlovely
What of the pious man’s
Calm sleep?
The twisted man’s
Desperate plea?
Though not yet fully forged
I know my identity
Has garnered
The Good Judge’s mercy

And though I can’t fathom
Why He bows before me complete
And I know not the glory or
Depravity of my life’s feat

I am stilled as a child
Before the patience of a creek

There are plenty of reasons
To wash these feet.

The world is often smaller
Than the maps we hold in our hands

Though vision made concrete
Is the true fruit of anyone’s plans

Maybe that marks the difference
Between apathy and awe
How grandiose our vision
Before digesting what we saw

Imaginations fueled
Scraped knees
Building kingdoms in our minds
Woodland forts out of reeds

Don’t let anticipation
Spoil the ground beneath your feet
Nor adventure in action
Outweigh the visions that you seek

This world is often larger
Offering what could never be foreseen

Etch your maps, clutch them tight!
Though pay heed to the road before you

And all the spaces in between

Hope.

It is our duty.

Pray then, with me.

That those influential,
The decision makers,
The great leaders,
Public figures and speakers,
Intellectuals and all
Whom the spotlight warms,
Deserved or no,
Wake one day without hope.

Just one day is all I ask
Enough to in the following bask

They are infinitely small.

May despair shrink all
To their proper size.
Let the greatness of Earth,
Heaven and all of the Other
Overtake all and smother
Pride.

Let hopelessness all ignorance divide.

One day
To see themselves in those they detest.
One day without purpose
To give evil and folly a rest

Deconstruct their great wants
Oh, Defeatist.
Replace in our hearts
Love with completeness.

Lend an ear to these words.

Just one despondant day
To end all of the ploys.
Allow us to join the animals in the woods
With their small, eternal joys.

Sweet Escape
Escape this weight
Composed of all days
Plotting to steal your fate

Capture Life
Retake your time
You will dictate when
You’re punished for this crime

Ended Scene
Destroy and cease!
Hoping that from ash
Will spring an endless peace

Only Way
Only it’s not!
There always is hope
A Path you never thought

You never thought.

I can only watch you
Execute your own orders
As claw marks invade
The rope burn’s borders

The Noose wasn’t supposed to feel like this

Repeat that

Find your twisted comfort

But it grows
Strength is waning

Yes, Hope
Yes, Grace
Yes, Forgiveness

Of the greatest magnitude.

But there is a point
Where certain concessions must be made

Infection can progress
In the eye of your mind
To the sharpest edge of choice

Die, or to be saved become blind

To gather the peace
That swirls through the
Cedars in the yard

To put it in
With where I would
Store my record collection
If I were to have one

If the world still turned slow

To combine that bark stained whisper
With the notes that find my ears
When I can’t find my mind

To give you the music
That animates my thoughts
And the stillness that animates their origin

To acknowledge my weakness
For your smile and its sweetness
To gather and gift my secrets
To hope that it pleases
To sort through the meaningless
To make you laugh till your chest wheezes.

To walk further along if these blessings don’t meet us.

To keep pushing forward
With all I have left
To keep my soul’s doors unlocked
With no fear of theft
To accept you may listen to my music
And wish you were deaf
To prepare to gather up the chunks of silence
After you break it over my chest

To trust that chaos
Is not the rebellion
Of the cedars’ breath

I'm good.

I’m in a good place.
Friends the next room over,
a few streets down.
Living a life with
those I love all around.

Listening to their grace,
imagining you in this space.
I could almost burn.

I know you didn’t choose your face,
though it makes this a difficult race.
Your kisses I can’t unlearn.

Bring the flood.
The hours, days, months, years,
the unquantifiable tears.
Squeezing in self-discourse when I can,
logic and hope crammed between fears.

Another dud.
A grand plan disguised
as a firecracker, prized,
one promising an explosion,
lightning bolts etched on the sides.

Though there was never a detonation.
You cut the fuse short
or maybe I never lit it.
Maybe I’m like Rogue,
absorbed that firework’s nature
and can’t quit it

My veins are gunpowder.
My heart the wick.
Thoughts of you the flame
and I’m praying they don’t stick.

My mind is racing with water
in an old fashioned wood bucket,
assembly line style carrying reason.
Though my worst fears I can hardly stomach.

I’m working my synapses as fast as they’ll churn,
but like every western movie ever filmed

the water gets here too late.

I stand watching myself burn.

Lightning can’t strike
the same place twice
I came back, both times greeted
with the same empty feeling, a hollow nice
to meet you, I’m not from here though
I can show you around. And just so you’re
aware I don’t mean my soul, I’ve
learned not to bring others
out over such thin ice
melts in your drink, the sun
working on what your appetite
can’t finish, conversation
and laughter filling your stomach
instead, using up as much of the
term ‘literally’ as they can.

An empty echo is all
I hear of the storm once near
me is where you have chosen
to be, and the proximity is
refreshing, genuine. I know
because I can’t identify the source
of my affection, buried too
deep beneath hope and fear
is still present. Though I look
at it as a gift, reassurance that
I’m still aware of your ability
to snap my neck, a vulnerability
that has made everything so clear
everything out of this god
**** house! I saw the way he slid
off your blouse, our memories
and moments followed both of your
sweat and stink down the drain

my brain of all of these thoughts.
You were not the calm but
a continuation of the sleet and rain
is all I hear now each night,
soft breath and hair replaced
by an acute understanding of
the weather outside my window,
with no heartbeat to fall asleep
to, no vessel to my attention contain
my rage! This is a new page!

Lightning did strike twice.
Though the next storm
I’m sure I can persuade.

What can’t be seen
Holds us down
What can’t be spoken
Is the weight in which we drown

I feel it haunting me
The only take away
I truly weigh
Is everything between the words you say

I’m stuck
Here on Earth
You, the sun
I realize your worth
Though with recognition I’m done

I want to feel!
Give me your warmth, make it real!
Make your pauses incarnate
That look in your eye, honor it!

Yes, I understand
You’ve presented the framework
My feet are planted firmly on land

But I’ve seen you melt mountains
Dry up whole streams and fountains
Ushered in new life and hope
A daily cycle, though more grand in scope

I’m begging
Tell me I’m wrong
But I believe you’ve left out
Half your song
The part where I belong
The part where I stop witnessing
And start contributing
The part where I sprout wings
And join you in the sky
Hovering

I hear a few yes’s and a couple no’s
Your voice is as perfect as ever
But it cuts out and implication grows
Bookended by your breath, time lasts forever

Away from the sun my life is bound
I’ve only ever made it a few feet off the ground
The parts that keep me from you
Are when you don’t make a sound

Reality or perception?
Regardless
My hell

I wish that **** apple never fell