I think I'm starting to wake up now--
the nightmares have finally stopped
and memories of before
come flooding in--
I used to have a good life
(way back when)
before the monster came
and stole me away
from the one who loved me true
I didn't realize then
what all leaving would put us through--
I let lies and deceit
take the place of my love for you
and found out too late that I was being used
to fill his needs to spew out his hate
to be someone that he lived to abuse--
he had such charm in the beginning
making me feel like a queen, a divine love
but then when the slightest thing went wrong
he would hit, push and shove
and tear into me like an animal after his prey
and if I dared to leave afterwards
he'd always find a way
to lure me back in and beguile me again
til finally one day, beaten and bruised
I knew I couldn't let him win--
I ran far far away and started life anew
and I wanted so much to find you again
and beg forgiveness from you--
but when finally I did make that call
to let you know I was now free
you told me that it was too late--
you no longer want me.
So, I sit here now knowing above all
that this life lesson I've learned
is like the world's worst wake up call...

Someone once told me a secret.
It was supposed to help to set me free--
but this secret has yet to reveal
what I've been hoping I would see--
All I've gained so far
is the uncanny sense of awareness
that no matter what I say or do
this secret that someone once gave me
will never lead me back to you.
And thus, the realization hits me hard--
Secrets aren't always real or true...

None can ever say
that I did not try
to find my way--
I traveled all the way here
to start a new life
to escape the fear
of living with a monster
that never stayed under the bed--
instead he lashed out daily
and bashed in my head
and when I ran with all my might
to escape the abuse, the fear
he somehow found his way
and discovered me here--
so I had to resort to legalities
begging the law
to just take him away--Please.

He's in jail now
for quite a long time--
you see he finally committed
a heinous crime
of killing someone
with his bought and paid for gun
and I hope he does many years
so I will no longer have to run--

none can ever say
that I didn't try
to find my way
to make a real life
right here...
so that I won't have to hide
and live in fear
of monsters that don't stay under the bed
and of wondering  when it will be me
who they find lying dead...

If trust is so sacred to you
why are you so stingy with it?
Why, I wonder can you not
forgive and move on
and allow the future
to unfold as it is meant to unfold
instead of constantly searching
for reasons to chase the past?

If trust is so sacred to you
then why will you not give it freely
and allow it to shine forth
and become a real part
of who you are
instead of placing it
crumb by crumb?

If trust is so sacred to you
then why not give truly from your heart
and let all who know you feel and see
that you carry such beauty
inside of you
instead of wearing that hateful fear
that eats you up inside?

Trust.
You say you want to trust me,
yet you refuse to really try.
Always searching for tidbits
to prove that you cannot have
peace of mind--
yet too, you are always, always
looking behind--

If trust is so sacred--
then allow the future to unfold
without strings knotted up
from the past.
No one can trust when they refuse
to look forward
rather than looking back...

So painfully aware of being apart
from that which gives me my breath
helps to maintain the rhythmic beating
of my swollen heart--

So horribly bereft at having said goodbye
to one who has always kept me here
who has cradled me, held me tight
through every moment of every sigh--

So hauntingly sure I will not survive
that life will have no meaning
with you not here to hold, to guard,
to keep me alive--

And so forlornly looking as you saunter away
your laugh, your jokes, your smiles and gentle heart
all that gave me reason to wake up
and live another god-forsaken day--

But so determined this time to carry on
to make it through without you here
to somehow hold myself together without you
and to just make it until the break of dawn...

Forgive me my envy
of your amazing lives--
you who have children
you who have husbands
or you who have wives--
I left a life of torture and pain
so long ago, you see--
and now all I have left
is living alone --
yep, just me.

So, forgive me my envy
of your amazing lives
for I know that what I lived
was not right or good
even though I tried--
I saw I could not survive
the pain and anguish
heaped on top of me
I had to run, to leave
the intense torture, you see...

but still I envy those
who have loves and lives to share
who know that they come home
to someone who will
truly love and care
and perhaps in time
I'll have that one day too--
but for now, please...
forgive me for having
such envy of those like you...