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May 5 · 39
sinners
we pursue to confess sins that
have not been sinned.
rather than repent to ourselves
to bathe and soak in guilt that lurks amongst blood.
It’s okay if it keeps you awake
but sins is nothing but a disguise we put on ourselves
when we feel
that we have wronged the world.
We never do.
April extract
Feb 12 · 195
alcohols
carminayasmin Feb 12
it’s lips poured spirits and wine
- fresh squeezed-
into my hands, into my system.
And it walks behind me sober. Watching my slurring stumbles
whilst an old sense of strength from inside me
poured from my mouth, spilling on concrete.

my legs fail me and I fall a trance. Into it’s arms.
But only for a sweet second -
and now I’m smothered lying in stone cold slate, it’s so nippy, the cold.
and it’s shadow blocks the streetlight floating above me.
Wait; streetlight is glaring dim orange again
now that it has dispersed away, down the pathway.
With open arms, it’s searching for a sober.
an old one, August 2018
Who ism “it”?, you decide.
Jan 26 · 170
00:56 *slowed music*
carminayasmin Jan 26
drum drum drum she pounds
on my sleeve, upon my neck ; in my dreams.
but we adopt resistance to feelings that hurt us.
now I walk through this art gallery blind I can’t see but I think those paintings are of us
Jan 20 · 152
***e
carminayasmin Jan 20
You’re not, влюблен
But you adore when it tugs on your hair
when he’s behind
and eyes can’t meet because for long now you have been
strangers  and you’ve tied your gaze away from it
-the vison
Jan 19, 00:26
Jan 13 · 293
.acknowledgements
carminayasmin Jan 13
but that feeling had lost me some time ago now.
but yet,I had missed the innocent despair of hopelessness;
it just coincides so perfectly with the isolated night.
13 jan 22:59
Jan 13 · 273
11n 4 M1ll10n
carminayasmin Jan 13
it’s the strung of the first few seconds. open a portal to when these words swarmed like flies in delusion, whithering onto your name spelt on my phone. Whisking dreams in my head. I should have turned off the light, dimmed the hope; so that they would fly away.
I hold the song in my palm as if an artifact. funny as I go to write artifact my keyboard suggests artificial as if it knows

because that’s what it was and that’s it raw. and as for me it was me who tied ribbons around the lyrics to be a certification of  us that never was. it was the only part of you I could ever have when I was alone because who was I to treat you like a friend when everyone was your friend.

I’ve untied ribbons and stepped back, so far back that I have reached a time before I had known you or before I had claimed you in my mirage.
apart from tonight I gues
1:57am can’t help what’s there it’s stuck in my throat see I thought I would let some tears roll but reality didn’t let me
Jan 3 · 427
maintenance
love loses
and slowly, sparsely
it’s fading away from me how it feels to
be shot?
to be burrowed into the night’s portal of regret and despair and urge to escape.
and to write even,
and to see life pass by with a name intertwining each of its pieces.

in whole all I can say is maybe it isn’t so extreme but
when the heart aches it is drowned down below you and drips out salt from your eyes until the cries can’t go unnoticed ;
it’s challenging to sleep.

on the other hand for now my sleep is whole and I dream often
to begin the year
January 3 2019 , 1:20am
Dec 2018 · 240
shh
carminayasmin Dec 2018
shh
love she supports her souls with will not be sufficient I think someone must tell her truth that she is suffering alone and quiet. I think it’s time someone turned the lights off in the daylight and left her put in the dim dark of the orange street lights transparent through the window when the street lies asleep and she releases her songs to the paper and her heart can rest and she can erase stupidity hilarity from her show and perhaps stay silenced for a while until she can speak what the street lights hear when the neighbours sleep.

when this happens it seems eveyone became deaf
3:14 wakeupeveryonelistentomescreaming
Dec 2018 · 314
Unre*****ed
carminayasmin Dec 2018
I think march has returned though it snows outside I can hear you outside and I’m slurring forgetting my senses and ignorant to the truth you posses; pretending it could be but would never be because this
is me forever.
unrequitedunrequitedunrequited; get it tattoed on me it will make no alteration because I can face it everyday needlessly.unrequited you are silenced from the rest. In the movie you are the fool  and unrequited you are unvisible/invisibe.no one cares to correct you for spelling because everyone forgets to read or write. As have you so what has drawn you back here; to march?
maybe she missed her letdown glazing her tear fire maybe she missed how the pen and the dark proved a healer and wanted to feel saved again from a nightmare.
2:50 am hello an old friend I was empty for a while but the silenced night let me into this again
Nov 2018 · 811
this
carminayasmin Nov 2018
leave it like this
sign a name then scribble it from existing;
Blood was shed and blindness almost enshrouded in the making,
the blank ink reminds me of the feeling
familiar
With this pen and I swam in lyrics that I tried to climb into, they never seemed to fit - lose weight. ok,
and sweet dreams I injected like heroine into my head; yes they had done the worst to me but alas, that’s addiction:
one never fears the desire because the greed is fuelled in return with the buzz (hope,worth,purpose?something/one).
Gambling; waste my wealths (worth,time) upon it to only taste failure before me each time, but always return slowly because “a time will come” - to win; I haven’t yet.
do you wish that sometimes they told you dont give up, without  “don’t”?

slap reality across your right cheek that  burns red in naivety.
19 November
nothings
Nov 2018 · 224
29 October .V
carminayasmin Nov 2018
next time when
the sky dawns when sun sets when the stars spill and one day in which its not pervading me over. life again you will have. one you had before my own time ascended. we can walk past each others life as humans. the name will fade from song lyrics, the face from the blackness. I will  be empty because there won't be any more lies to binge.
I budge your arm off my body and your shattered on the carpet. tomorrow you will be so ****; an old acquaintance.
end
Nov 2018 · 95
29 October .IV, story
carminayasmin Nov 2018
Really all this time we drove and you felt the music in you as I did and as you danced, your fingers got knotted in my hair. then inside of me.
at night I held your arm and locked it round my back over my chest - a lock to a cage that I long ago had lost the key to. you had kissed me all night long and you were so coincidently unvisible under the dimmed lights, that you were there. you would pull the hair away from my ear and lean over me warmly; then back into my ear you would regurgitate everything I had fuelled you with until I fell back asleep.
thats why it worked for so long because I lived in two people, as false and as ****** as another. and thats why you're never in because you are sick with lies I diagnosed you in. when you look its always at me. when we pass its felt the same. - thats what the poison tastes of.
Nov 2018 · 155
29 October .III
carminayasmin Nov 2018
for months I painted a/your portrait. the brush would meet the canvas at 11pm approximately every night and would last until the dawn of the am when my eyes went black and paint had splashed my face pretty.
the brushstrokes were coarse and accentuated goodness in lust and shadows in the contours. the beauty was indisputable but the colours on the pallet I had not yet mastered.
so it wasn't until the previous night or two ago when I heard the child run by my half finished canvas. as I approached it, glass shattered on the floor below it. the glass reflected my face as I seen myself in pieces.
I have renamed it self-portrait.
"when will you draw me?"
Nov 2018 · 197
29 October .II
carminayasmin Nov 2018
perhaps I had found you on the other end of oceans;
with pens in your hand of our embrace under stars.
alas, when that star fell the other night; we pushed it. slightly.
Nov 2018 · 462
29 October .I
carminayasmin Nov 2018
what was I chasing, that had the audacity to burn fires that haunt the neighbours. that put the car on running when I was off, eyes dreaming - the wheel slipping off my palms. and then over a cliff into ocean.
maybe so. maybe it was you. maybe so. maybe I am blind
29 October
Oct 2018 · 206
gardenology
carminayasmin Oct 2018
You build a garden,
a rose is planted - the most beautiful flower
a tiger is born - the most beautiful cat

they grow
tiger tears eats destroys the rose’s petals
she is bare.
rose grows thorns , will she scare?

she’s too beautiful to stand there alone to the tiger
he pervades her bloom, until she has flourished a spectacle
his teeth caress those petals to shreds
her thorns, pierce his mouth,
out pour all sorts of reds.

they live beautifully and painfully in one another
00:18 October 11
An essence of pain through each beauty
Oct 2018 · 489
mental wealth
carminayasmin Oct 2018
Mental health; mental wealth.
It’s riches you spend on your armour when in battles with demons,
to come out the other end bruised but not defeated.

The weath in within the gold mines in your head that the demons dig upon,
though still you find golden flakes on the surface of your palms.

That you spend your wealth on others, to save them from the debt you fear to suffer again. As you rust.

Wealth is the riches you still hold, when the demons strip you bankrupt.

you are rich, for you are still here.
October 10    23:25
Oct 2018 · 103
literacy
carminayasmin Oct 2018
if you cannot tell yet;
I have poured you  out scripts, testimonials, fantasies
- libaries
I question myself at every letter.

For what reason I write,
              For one who can’t read.
Who was I to have you inked into my skin,
who was I to ever think it was all right for me - when I was blind.

Who was I to write
when I can no longer spell.
7 October, 3:01am
regretting it all in the am.again i always do
Sep 2018 · 467
sinners
carminayasmin Sep 2018
we pursue to confess sins that
have not been sinned.
rather than repent to ourselves
to bathe and soak in guilt that lurks amongst blood.
It’s okay if it keeps you awake
but sins is nothing but a disguise we put on ourselves
when we feel
that we have wronged the world.
We never do.
April extract
Sep 2018 · 114
crisp
carminayasmin Sep 2018
my heart is empty because you burnt it dry
leaving my love limited,
because half of it burns away slowly under your sleeve.
April sometime
Sep 2018 · 111
.
carminayasmin Sep 2018
.
One day I’ll reach the end,
my mind’s weapons put to ease.
carminayasmin Sep 2018
The way in which goosebumps electrocute and run down my skin when I awake, to shield from the cold mornings -
Is the same way I cast myself closed when your presence threatens me, so I don’t melt into my weakness.

Mum turns the heating on but I still shudder.
You slip away but I still suffer.
9 September 1am something
Sep 2018 · 399
halfandhalf
carminayasmin Sep 2018
he splits the world into two
half into illusions, spells of daydreams. coated in love stories and poetry. sprinkled in lustful gazing.

other half, the dawning reality of the nothingness that has so many pages. I flip through needlessly to try understand it all . I never do.  I try to pull my head out of clouds, I never can.


its not real it won’t ever be
1:43 after seeing reality
Sep 2018 · 2.2k
god forgive
carminayasmin Sep 2018
These nights I pretend to myself
and whisper to myself that

maybe he knows love
pretend you know love;you don’t.
he’s confused?
you are confused why he still pervades you.
what you say in your head isn’t spiralling there alone.
maybe it spirals him too

But I am told that
God calls lying an evil sin.
And through Eden,
God tried to say to the world -
that lust is demolishing.


( but who is god to say)
it’s all so beguiling
and delirious.
and god yes it’s demolishing,
when reality resurrects every day and I am
thrown  to watch it before me
even if I close my eyes
or bite my tongue till blood.

only the  lying evils sins I whisper
will wipe the blood clean.
I don’t think god runs this place
who is he to judge
Sep 2018 · 121
september first.VVI
carminayasmin Sep 2018
he taught me, showed me vividly
that the most harrowing ache
can become the most beautiful masterpiece.

he put tools in my hands,
held them and demonstrated before me how
my throbbing cries my desperate grieving
can be carved masterfully into art.
-
I'm hammering and outlining and carving
each day,
I'll display it one day when I finish.

I just hope you'll see the day
end
Sep 2018 · 117
september first. VI
carminayasmin Sep 2018
when I have it,
in pencil
I draw it all out perfectly on paper

-but then again you hold the eraser
and you vanish it all back to nothing
regardless.
I wrote it all in pencil so I could erase it all one day before you did
Sep 2018 · 598
september first. V
carminayasmin Sep 2018
again,
you hold my vulnerability at gun point
and I've felt you collide your tips with the trigger,
so very many times.
but its all just so helplessly beautiful
that I never refuse the bullet

{bangbangbang}
Sep 2018 · 395
september first. IV
carminayasmin Sep 2018
you have me *******
in knotted knots.
you are so naughty
jokes
my head was flipped
Sep 2018 · 181
september first. III
carminayasmin Sep 2018
I wrench my own feeble nails
down the wall, insistently.

and I'm sickly tortured by
all the screeching

but something else should feel the distress.

- these hands need punishing.
because forever you dwell in my palms
but they've never let me hold you secure;
never let me cradle you to warmth.

- I guess just because I feel that you will
just all melt away by the time I blink.
And because my hands simply don't ever deserve to bathe in your hold, your being.
you are always painfully  in reach
Sep 2018 · 858
september first. II
carminayasmin Sep 2018
all this time
my back was turned to your face.
I walked only on the paths that ran
anti-parallel to yours.
my hands grazed before me on the stone,
naked knees were scuffed and skin ragged
lugging myself along the grounds
as I crawled forlorningly away from you.

when honestly, the only destination
that I ever intended to arrive to,
was your arms.
avoiding for my own protection, so I wouldn't end up hurting myself. I know you never would intentionally. you are too gold
Sep 2018 · 1.9k
september first. I
carminayasmin Sep 2018
tonight when I fled from my cage,
I was secluded from my own head because
all it called upon was you. echoing and echoing.

like a mother aches for her lost child
I was
gnawing the skin on my fingertips
rustling the ends of my hair into knots
biting numbingly into my tongue
all so nonchalantly
like a fool.

who is so simply chasing his own tail
in circles and circles and circles and just such endless cycles

until they send themselves to sleep
23:22
there was just this endless river of words that had just been so congested inside of me and I don't know why last night it all came spewing out
Sep 2018 · 137
retrograde
carminayasmin Sep 2018
Baby,
the moon is in retrograde
with you tonight.

because you have my head spinning and

I just looked out
to find the stars have spilled out into your name.
1 September, midnight
I love you
Aug 2018 · 119
meditation
carminayasmin Aug 2018
she breathed in her nightmares,

exhaled them onto paper.

so she’ll revisit what messed her
Aug 2018 · 148
drugs duvets drapes
carminayasmin Aug 2018
my duvet once hugged me, now it morphs
into chains
that coil my bones to themselves and fix my fingertips to my fists and I swing my arms behind me clasped.
anything to keep you clean out of my system you see.

the night which once was dreams,
now  a prison.
the solitude confining me in shrinking walls and a drying mouth whilst my eyes tear open by the pounding crave.
the red slithers through their frail veins until the aching urge sends them to close;
to sleep.

morning you lie vestel. but your taste lumbering in my gum

- I wouldn’t say I’m an addict:
but you make it far too easy when you lie in the palms of my hands and dance in electric through my skin.
your hopeless pervading detains me from rehabilitation.
Part 2
The mornings
Aug 2018 · 1.8k
druggedupprisoner
carminayasmin Aug 2018
bathing myself in this thirsting quench
and now I’ve come to see you
as a drug. a pill.
but not prescribed.
     
Staring blackly at me
on my bedside table
                  and it’s teasing me.
teasing me with the sugar cane
that erupts when it skims my tounge -
I drool.

alluring my own deception  with your
succulent crescendo
that unravels it’s way down my whole
     voice until there’s none left.
And its just the way it sets me so ablaze
that I cremate casually  in your
immaculate ignite.

                       Knuckles clench to restrain that
                 sentiment that nostalgia
             that world that lies behind your door I always see myself
            linger through ghostly.



I’ve never been
29 August
my urge my battle to stop myself from you
Aug 2018 · 225
mermaid
carminayasmin Aug 2018
tied by a rock her heart sunk to the bottom of the seabed.
it decayed for a time and it whithered amongst reflections what lingered in the waters.
one morning she cut loose
but no longer could float.
jan ‘17 adaptations
Aug 2018 · 157
bedside read
carminayasmin Aug 2018
pick me up
before your eyes seize the day.
i’ll be the last words
imprinted on your tounge.
the last words you hear in the night.

when the stars are the only ones watching
they can’t see
what’s written on these pages,
from so far away.

you awake sudden
and keep writing inbetween the lines
leaving it all just drenched
in your pen marks.
Extract,
January ‘17
Aug 2018 · 527
drive slow-er
carminayasmin Aug 2018
Blindness bright emerging
all-at-once

You catch me, a deer in the headlights.
of your headlights - head-lights

but the blue ones - that linger in two on your face.
the ones I let myself see rarely
the crystal ones that I swim in
amongst a daydream. that sometimes I drown into.

You brake as your presence ****** the surface of my skin.
didn’t mean to bump that polished shine on your car.
(Your teeth are shining)

Brake, the gears,
-hold back-
whilst I’ll waver on further,
back to my subtle distance muted in the dark.
sorry I’ll go faster. return faster to where I was heading,
before your lights outshine my being.
See me run back to shadows under dulling streetlights -
before I let those headlights consume me whole in blaze.
Look then I’m gone, unharmed.

So go, continue with your ride. I’ve left you untouched
forget it. maybe until next time.
when perhaps I’ll want to play real victim of a crashing collision.
22 August
as I crossed the road
Aug 2018 · 1.6k
sorry, soldier
carminayasmin Aug 2018
I’ve come back to this a soldier,
the blood you extracted from my body
now smeared stripes on my cheekbones.

But buckle in.
Do I really need?
         -yes

A bullet proof vest inches thick. Barricades my bones
and sewn into the bones of my torso with hope.
            but that’s only for in case you shoot me, again,
              in the left chest.

- then that’s only if you become the target. if you whisper your vulnerability into his eyes, again. and stand hopeless before it all.

No I cannot bare it one more time.

He never seen me hospitalised in the bed of a room so empty. ( a mind so empty, numb)
So abandoned the nurses had left.
So abandoned I was the nurse the doctor the therapist the healer.
Doctor barely retrieved blood
Nurse barely rose me back to my feet
Therapist didn’t give forget.   wouldn’t let me forget - what about it I loved because he had never found it in me.
Then I am reminded again.

- so soldier buckle up the bare skin that can so easily be burned. buckle up in black.

I wear it in fear hesitation ilness and resentment to a repeat.

- better off safe than sorry

But safe now becomes a sorry to the soul for restraining.

  - sorry
19 August
Regretful hoping
carminayasmin Aug 2018
A black is wading with my blood
it’s no longer red.


You’ve left me here to heal with wounds raw open.
Left me to love without showing me what it was
( remember I can only learn from demonstration)
And left me to cry without any more salt tears - because you drank the rest after dinner.

Now I spends days with a knife inbetween my sweet fingertips
searching for the blood, that you have left me without.

I search kitchens for a substance so overpowering
that it will strip my insides bare and wash them clean of your toxins that have spilled in places I can’t reach.

Then find me caved in this void
where I pull the trigger at my head (metaphorically)
countless times a day until my stupid thoughts leak out
and drip onto the puddles.
and all that turmoil inside pours down me,
showering me in your illnesses.

Lights are put out by the last exhales I breathe.
you winded my lungs out of use and now I sit in dark.

I’m barricaded in  deafened voices
which I do not hear over your
pounding silence.

Hands are worn numb
from ripping up pages which have your name imprinted on each line in fantasies.

Senses drunk from words you forced to run down my throat and my body is flooded by your lips and I find myself bent over,
vomiting the **** you fed me.

In bed I’m cradling myself to sleep in peices.
Don’t you dare let me see you
in a dream tonight.
April 6
A let go
Aug 2018 · 695
youth burns youth fades
carminayasmin Aug 2018
We would dance until the ground was no longer at our soles,
when we would float in a trance of sheer naive
in the palms of death’s hand. slightly teasing.

Grasping vestal youth in our hands with
cigarettes in our fingertips.

Empty glistening bottles, left smashed on begging turf
whilst the substances slur inside minds.
Fallen drunken on the night’s moonlit whispers,
delusional romances, and unpromising fantasies.

The gasoline drooled out his hand needlessly.
It glazed the grass guilty
when we kissed it’s tips with a lighter.

its then those fantasies engulfed the air in illuminations of blaze
then creeping thick grey
and ceased to ash.

Death gently blew the ashes to the river
and kissed us goodnight.

- though now we are still dancing in our circle.
we light  it all on fire again
to disintegrate new dreams
quivering romances
9 June , a story, my own fantasy
Jul 2018 · 164
torn denim
carminayasmin Jul 2018
I’m resting my head on the surface of your knees. my face only skims
and my fingers are curled in the coarse denim of your jeans.
my palms sweat effortlessly.
look my prize is in my hands,
but my efforts you foresee.

I’m enshrined but your eyes glaze views ahead, no blinks
blind to the tug on your skin. Numb, you are
so am I.

The shirt pasted to your chest, you nudge. Uncomfortable.
see I’m so helplessly sewn into the frail hem of your pockets
and I’m senseless here I can’t dance.

Then I’m woven into the smoke infused cotton, and it’s so sweet.
it sours the salt dripping from my tears.

you balance with your knuckles and emerge from your seat to stand.
and I find that I melt into the carpet as you trail me behind so violent
I rot down into the lips of the floorboards.
not yours.
3 june 23:12
Jul 2018 · 170
spelling out
carminayasmin Jul 2018
still I find to feel
my arms swing
my hands clamber over
as my fingertips hastily wrap round the letters of his name.
which ink refuses to write

until it forgets his face, though sees how my eyes shot rays
of iridescent blue
and feels how my stomach would indulge to engulf my heart
until it was shredded and pure.
erased and framed back into its place when it gave up.

those letters bleed through the paper and I toss it into fire
they age and crumble
ashes settle but blow.

and I find them on my palms,
which reminds me...
12 july
1:09 okay
carminayasmin May 2018
After showering myself in needles
and stitching my wounds open with my self appointed meds
I plastered up my tear ducts. It seems.
my rivers are droughts
my heart at thirst.

I’ve scrubbed hard enough
to uncover your name needled black
inside my index below my chest and on the tail of my ear.
how have you not mentioned you as an artist?  
Such an artist that
what you engraved is temporary,
whilst I don’t recall the needle broke into my skin
Apr 2018 · 223
play with fire
carminayasmin Apr 2018
If only I was there
to sneak in during the AM of closed windows.
and kiss the glass floors with gasoline
and glaze it with honey
and then perhaps drop my match alight.

To see your world dissolve
feel you burn, -as I did
and watch you turn to ashes at my feet. -Like you didn’t.
So I can kneel at the end
to blow your dust from my skin.


. rather than lugging round
a crisp coated burnt out heart.  - That you made
that now fears
to play with fire.
25 April
Apr 2018 · 131
bait
carminayasmin Apr 2018
like bait you swung before me
as my eyes drooled upon  your every contraction.
tempted with mindless illusions
until you were ingested
only to find your ashes rot upon the glistening surface
of my bones.
and the rest of you
staggers to diffuse out my skin.
Apr 2018 · 263
golddigger
carminayasmin Apr 2018
he dug gold,
fresh out of her heart
until her bones were left shrivelling,
bericaded completely
by stenching coal.

her mines grow empty,
though he returns on a blue moon
in attemp to shovel out any last morsels.
clinging onto their cave by bare strength.
9 April
Apr 2018 · 186
in need of a housemaid
carminayasmin Apr 2018
Because
With me, I walk blindly forward as my mess is overturned behind me as I sulken dream. To turn round eventually I find all that’s been done, with me left to tidy - to replenish and erase the mess that has already *******, spread rapidly into every corner of my insides. The lights go off when it burns off and the ashes tend to tell of time wasted of thirst and sense of waiting for his return.
I’m then diving into the spiral of aftermath that leaves itself to solve without answers. Heart stretches further and further away from its halves to avoid being engulfed by incoming wave which floods of knowing I would never have you.

And now
the pen I resist from daggering into my wrist so it’s ink can bleed into my insides with mellow wordly turmoil.

- See though, alone I thought I was safe. But those words that dropped out her mouth so unimpeachably illustrated you breaking into me. At that very moment. And unleashing the demons from their cage. I think I feel them gnawing now.
16 April 21:55
Journal expressions
Apr 2018 · 157
doctors nor constructors
carminayasmin Apr 2018
there is no doctor with a pill
to eliminate walls of loathing affliction.

nor is there a constructor
to knock them down.
12 April 00:10
Apr 2018 · 156
gasoline baby
carminayasmin Apr 2018
she’s burning violently.
from the hours you spent
masterfully drizzling gasoline
upon her vestal skin.

it seems your match finally engulfed her.
6 April
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