No. **** that. I did.
I ******* gave you the world,

And you were too busy looking at the stars to notice.

******* for making me feel like this.

My scars are fading
and it's scaring me
because it was the
only thing that
reminded me that
you were real..*

                                      
                                             *Once upon a
                                        time you used to
                                      love me, but who
                                               could love a
                                                    monster?

I'm laying in bed a month after we broke up,
And I'm staring at the ceiling thinking about every time I kissed you.

And ****** I wish I would've kissed you longer.
I wish I wouldve held you tighter.

I wish I would've done a lot of things.
I'm just glad it happened in the first place.

But **** some nights just get me,
Holy **** do I miss you.

1) I was no good for you.
I was like water in your lungs and I didn't want you to drown because of me.
2) We weren't ready.
You were in the summer months blossoming and I've been lost in the winter for a long time now.
3) You deserved better.
I was a dandelion and you were a rose.
4) I realized I loved you.
And that scared me because I knew you'd never love me back.

Last year we were talking like lovers,
       Now we don't even talk.

She's got this hope for me in her eyes.

Almost* (adverb): not quite; very nearly.

Almost is the worse way to love.
He almost loved her. She almost loved him. It just won't ever be good enough.

I keep telling myself, maybe you almost loved me. Maybe that's why I still think I have a chance.

My nights consist of getting drunk and typing up messages to you but immediately erasing them. I could drown in a bottle of tequila and still only see your face.  

My nights consist of smoking **** so loud I can physically feel my heart echoing against my rib cages trying to escape this hurt you left me in.

My nights consist of razors so sharp that when they open my wrists they also open my eyes allowing the tears to fall.

My nights consist of many things that use to help me forget you, but are now a constant reminder that this hurt will never go away.

*My nights consist of missing you.

I love you.
      I love you.
           I love you.
                I love you.
                     I love you.
                I love you.
          I love you.
     I love you.
I love you.

**I really, really ******* love you.

It
Really
*******
Hurt
And
You
Don't
Seem
To
Notice.

You can't do this to me.
You can't let me fall for you.
You can't let me trust you if you're just going to take away the ******* safety net right before I hit the ground.
You can't ******* do that ****.

You can't say those words if you don't mean them.
You can't just lead me on.
You can't leave me alone.
You can't just let me lay in bed shaking and crying wondering what the **** I'm supposed to do now.
You can't.
You just ******* can't.

You said you'd never hurt me.
You promised everything would be okay.
But you were my everything.
You said you'd never leave.
But you did.
You ******* did.

Let me have another night with you.
I don't even want to have ***,
I just want to wake up next to you.
I want to hear your sleepy voice.
I want to tell you you're beautiful,
Every. Single. Morning.

I wanna binge watch Netflix shows,
And lay in bed with you all day.
I want to give you forehead kisses,
And see-you-later hugs (because I know you hate saying goodbye).
I want to wake up with you in my arms,
And let you fall back asleep in them at the end of the day.
I want to hear your sleepy voice tell me you like me,
That you really really like me.

I want you to mean it.
I want you to say you're falling too.
I want you to understand how scared I am.
I want you to know it feels so right.
I want you to kiss me again and leave me breathless.
I want you to miss me too.
I want you to want me.
I want you.
*Only you.

You know what I hate?
When you listen to a song and you completely relate.

How you play it over and over,
When you're going through a heartbreak.

& you expect it to help,
But you're slowly losing yourself.

(c.r.)

Here I am,
A whole week has passed,
And I'm laying in bed crying,
Because I finally realized that I could never call you mine again.

And oh my it hurts--
It really ******* hurts.

My stomach wants to eat itself because it's hungry for your touch.
My ears don't want to hear another word unless it slips out of your mouth.
My mouth doesn't want to move unless your lips are guiding it.
My eyes are tired of crying and are waiting on you to come wipe the tears away and hear the comfort of you saying "it's okay."
My heart doesn't want to beat anymore because my mind is telling it you're gone..

Here's to crying in the shower pretending you're okay.
Here's to holding it all together when you wanna throw it all away.
Here's to wasting nights thinking till 4am instead of going out with that girl.
Here's to breaking even though you know you shouldn't.
Here's to living when you want to die.
--
That day felt like your funeral.
That day felt like a poet trying to capture the perfect sunset when they couldn't fathom the right words.
That day felt like a teenager driving alone for the first time in Atlanta.
That day felt like your first heartbreak over and over.
That day felt like hell.
--
And I had to hold my breath when we drove by your road.
I had to smile when she said your name.
I had to laugh when I wanted so badly to cry.
I had to close my eyes and breathe when I wanted so badly to end it.
I had to move on when I wanted so badly to stay..
I had to, because if I didn't, neither would you..

I don't care if I break as long as I feel something.
Cause just being okay, is not okay.

Hold me close and tell me you love me,

when my world is

f
  a
     l
        l
           i
              n
                 g

                           a       p       a       r      t     .

You never know a person,
Until you stay up until 4am with them.

I live in this paper town,
And it's not the best place in the world,
But it isn't the worst either.
You could name any place,
And I can recall a couple memories.

But one day,
When I least expected it,
I met you.
We made memories everywhere,
And now I can't escape them.

I live in this paper town,
And there isn't much to do.
So when I'm lonely,
I just look up at the sky,
And think of you.

But, it scares me,
Because I know,
No matter how much I think of you,
Or how many memories I recall,
Of you in this paper town,

You.
      Aren't.
                 Thinking.
      About.
Me.

You said I'm sorry..
And my heart dropped to the floor.

Though I didn't know the reason,
I thought, This is mental suicide, I can't do this anymore.

I wanted to know,
Why my insides started breaking.

You said two simple words,
And my heart stopped.

****, I thought,
*Maybe you do love her.

I do not want to be 18 anymore,
Because all I do is buy cigarettes.
& when I smoke them I think of you.

I do not want to smoke Mary-Jane.
Because when I'm high,
I still only think of you.

I do not want to get drunk anymore,
Because I'm tired of hearing my friends say "She's gone,"
Every time I ask to speak to you.

I do not want to stay awake all night,
And leave cuts on my wrists,
"I'm sorry," I'd say, "I was just thinking of her."

I never asked for this,
I try not to think about you,
So all I can tell myself is, "You left her."

I was going to write a poem,
About the girl that first stole my heart..





But I can't find any words,
And thinking of you makes my heart hurt.


(c.r.)

I love you.

You don't know who I am,
But **** I know who you are.

You're the girl that puts the sun to shame when you smile.

You're the girl that thinks fireworks are pretty, but **** they don't have anything on the light in your eyes.

You're the girl that laughs when the rain hits your face.

You're the girl that said hello, and I'm the girl that was too shy to say it back.

You don't know who I am, but you're the girl who stole my heart.

If I could be anything,


I'd be yours.


*Every **** time.

You promised
f o r e v e r ,




                                 *Your definition of              
                                   forever was a lot
                                   shorter than mine.

A year ago today,
We were laughing when we kissed.
Now it's like we're strangers,
& I don't exsist.

I see you in everything.
You're everywhere I go.
Reminding me that some things,
are better if you just don't know.

And now I'm scared.
Because I wish it was a year ago..
You just turned the other cheek,
When Cupid shot his bow.

(c.r.)

You've consumed my thoughts for so long I don't remember how to think without seeing your face.

I've been laying in my bed for quite some time now, and as usual I've been thinking. But this time it's different. It's not the happy thinking you'd think I was thinking. But it's the dark thinking that follows me like a shadow. I would never tell you this.
Just like I'd never tell you how I think about the nights we've spent together. Or that I'd never tell you I can't go to those restaurants anymore without seeing you there. How the park isn't a park anymore. How I can't even lay in my bed without thinking of the cuddles and hours we spent talking on it. But I'd never tell you that.
I'll never tell you how much I regret everything. I'll never tell you how I pull up a message to you, but I can't find any words to say so I just cancel it. If you ever text me I'll pretend to be happy, not to hurt you, but to help you move on. If you ever asked me how my day went, they're always slow and dead. I sleep a majority of the time an when I'm not sleeping I'm thinking of what we used to be and I'm crying. But I'd never tell you that, "I'm fine," I'd say. And it would break my f*cking heart to watch you walk away, but I'm the bad guy. So I'd never tell you that.

You Broke
Everything
I Was ,






                                            Why Do
                                             I Still
                                             Want You?

You are the flame on the end of my cigarette.

You get closer to me when you're about to burn out,
and you need someone to hold you before you fall apart.

You give me that buzz, that authors try to captivate,
but can never find the words.

I once heard a saying that sad people smoke a lot.
All I could do was taste your name on my lips.

Then I knew I needed a smoke break,
because you're the flame on the end of my cigarette.

I've always wondered,
          What it was like.
                To be loved unconditionally.

But no matter who comes along,
            They always remind me,
                There is always one condition.


                                                             (c.r.)

I wanna be close.
Close enough that our noses are touching and we're caught in that nervous moment right before a kiss.
That hanging space between kissing and about to kiss.
I like that space.
The space where I just lay my hand on your face and pull you closer.
I like that space.
I could be in that space forever.
The space where butterflies from my tummy fly out of my mouth like wildfire.
That space where I can feel your breath on me.
That space that's close, but never close enough.
I want to spend forever there with you, in that space.
Please, just take me away to that place.

You've Got Me

F
  A
     L
        L
           I
             N
                G

Like A Leaf.

Mine are always caterpillars, until you touch me.
Then they grow wings and fly all around my tummy until I can't take it and I have to kiss you.
I have to digest them. But I can't.
So instead, I have to touch you. In some way. Whether it's my fingers on your hair, or a tight hug.
I somehow have to give you my butterflies, before they digest and I have to lay you out on the floor.

I rushed in my room, collapsed on my bed, and buried my face in my pillow. I screamed. An Inhumane scream. One that echoed in my heart. It hurt. I rolled over, silent tears falling down my face. Then it all came at once. Too many emotions to explain. It felt like there was a rain cloud over my bed, and nothing was ever going to get better.
I'd completely forgotten the razor I hid in my phone case. It had been there so long. It's always with me.
I remembered. Yanked the case off my phone and grabbed it. I stared at it for a little while, tracing the edges.
It kissed my skin. ****, what a lovely release. I thought of her.. Her face came into view, and my thigh was soon a disaster. I leaned over it, crying. Screaming her name into my room. She couldn't hear, why bother? I flung it across the room and pounded my fist against the wood paneled wall. Once, twice, three.. I leaned my head on the wall looking at the ground. I pounded my fist on the wall once more, and crumpled to the ground like a falling autumn leaf. I leaned back against the wall. Buried my head into my knees, and cried even harder.
I needed desperately to clean my mess. So I gathered everything together, and fixed my thigh, maybe I'll get lucky and no one would sit on it this time.
I put in my headphones. Turned the music as loud as it would go, and laid in bed, looking at the ceiling, but only seeing her face..

Just a few days clean.
Yet I still carry a razor
in the back of my phone case.

*Does it make me feel safe?
Does it make me feel free?
Or have I let a piece of metal,
Become a part of me?

Here I lay.
The moment after the break.
My heart tied in knots,
Much worse than my headphones.

Razor in my hand.
Tears rushing down my face.
My thoughts caught in chaos,
Worse than any storm.

Here I lay.
Still alive.
Still breathing.
But *why?