our love was a movie-worthy romance
poorly written, fake, and over in two hours

poetry poured from me
when I thought of you
all blue ink was made of your eyes
every white page, your skin
verses were a joy to create
I felt freedom in imagination
shared thoughts and feelings
inspiration from your lips
your tongue and teeth
both cobra and kitten
strike or purr, I loved both
now orchids are a hallowed
feeling in the pit of my chest
where once a heart was
the night is dreadfully boring
the moon writes no sonnets
every rainbow is filtered in sepia
stars illuminate and I feel nothing
oceans are filled of dead things
another day passes
where thoughts are unspoken
and pen never meets paper

catcall the bell-wearer
whose toll is paid in soft looks
longing sighs and blue eyes
like a Siamese cat because
an animal caged won't rebel
whistle and marvel at lithe grace
possessed by beauty of presence
charm that smokes and chars
magnified only by their walk
like a dance for poppies
made only more appealing
with cold shoulders and fury

I saw you last night once more
golden waves cascading
down your shoulders
we lived in a tiny log house
on the ocean
like you've always wanted
a cozy space for us to write
the windchimes whistling
watching Disney movies on VHS
a cold winter night
our faux-fireplace on high
keeping warm with body heat
fields of vanilla and spring lavender
ocean salt in the air
my fingers on the small of your back
you killed me quietly and said
you wanted to break free
I didn't mind dying by your hand
I hated waking up

my body is dynamic, in flux
you touched me and I was reborn
nerve endings rebuilt stronger
the outside changed too
hair colour through rainbows
makeup for every mood sparkled
sensory systems grew and changed
immortalized by your lips
with your fingers on my skin
connections newly created
yet so familiar and at peace
eyes wandering over your face
one I had loved so intensely
now my moon no longer recognizes
the wrinkles formed at the corners
when I smile or laugh or play
you loved me as I was, once
though every part of me replaced
shifted and altered to becoming
unrecognizable or similar
to when we had first met
I was made new because of you
while you believe I am the same
after everything had changed

this ain't a relationship
it's a hostage situation
I'm starting to believe I have
Stockholm syndrome for you
but in the darkness we can pretend
it feels something like love

if I went back in time knowing it all
memories had and the moment I'd fall
remembering how it felt to lose you
and the pain of unrequited love, too
I would do it over, and over once more
because it has always been you I adore
I would happily break my heart anew
if only for a chance to fall again for you

I write poetry when thoughts infect me
catching colloquy in a web to feast
my thorax alates pearlescent scales
I capture nectar from dewy books
***** waxy words that form in the back
of my throat in honeycomb shapes
they taste sweetest directly from my lips
until you notice six legs protruding
or ten eyes staring up at you in fear
the apex of my elytra is rainbow chrome
but all you see is a hardened shell
admittedly, all I've ever had is ability
to filiform syllables and sounds
dangle lexicon delicately from silk pages
in hopes of creating all the beauty
that I have never felt I possess in this form

do you remember me
below the docks in the rain storm
how my cheeks sparked
against your open palm, cupped
and you learned at that moment
electrocution smells nitrous
amplified by the salt of waves
beating torrential downpour
and the petrichor that filled our lungs
you said I had never looked
more beautiful than the moment
bolts of currents shot from my eyes
and pools of blood formed tears
that ran down my face when I confessed
my love for you for the first time
and I became the very lightning itself
my touch was a boom against your skin
you were prone, and I had you pinned
transfering a steady stream of volts
through lips and teeth and tongues
my skin hot to the touch and I was fire
you thought I'd keep you warm
but a bright flash later, and I was gone

your body is poetry in a language
I have always wanted to become fluent
dripping in platinum, your lips steel-*****
I hear a quartet commanding me
agave forms in your sulci and pours out
with every breath of your exhale
there's a constellation in your pupils
you are the very moon itself and I am earth
in perigee, my tides rise to greet you
every strand between us twists and weaves
unbroken helixes that connect but never touch
you shine and I can't pull my eyes away
from the contours of your cupid's bow
you move in slow motion towards me

I like to think about her pleasing you
the sloppy drunken kisses planted
her fingers hastily unzipping your pants
hands groping your naked hips
that she would kneel before you
as if pleging her allegiance to you
working her hardest to draw out
sunflowers in fauvist orange
her tongue spiraling around
edges of your handsome sweetness
I only wish you could've enjoyed it
felt easy enough to love others back
there is not enough of it in this world
let her take you in if you'd like
your pleasure and happiness comes first
all I love deserves to be shared and seen
there is no point to hidden artwork
or unheard music, no matter how gorgeous
love, too, ought to be shared

I remember when I started drinking
myself to excess and I thought of you
how you didn't deserve such a **** friend
who couldn't keep their life from spiraling

I protected you the only way I knew how
pushing you away hurt but it was right
though I felt like you were, at that moment,
the last string tethering me to existence itself

I knew I was no good for you the way I was
though I wanted to call or text dozens of times
tell you about getting in to school or how
I had both fallen in love (and lost them entirely)

it was easy to go back to friendship
we're both the same people
we both love and care about each other
I don't miss what we had, because it's still here

you ever meet someone and think... yeah.
they're worth breaking my heart over.

you have been in a hard place for too long
your unhappiness is a dark alley
whether it was a bad left or turn wrong
you are now wandering through death valley

you never wanted this, you say aloud
closing your eyes and waiting for an end
until the day you seize heavens and clouds
and the nightmare itself, I watch you fend

see you rebel against your binding chains
the taste of sweet defiance on your lips
a revolution shoots through every vein
insurgency whispers from every tip

now your days become yours, and yours alone
while I marvel and watch you take your throne

you loved wild flowers
like lavender
intense purple silk
against your edges
I watched you bloom
your petals opaque
brilliance spills like dew
intensity and fearlessness
a spirit so wild and bold
that it doesn't care about
who it touches or hurts
you say wildflowers have
no thorns but I could've sworn
these cuts didn't exist before you

the rope dangles like a noose
I would beg for your sweet abuse
tell me how to hurt for fun
tie me up and come undone
paint my ankles with your thread
fibers rub to crimson red
I'm strong enough to take it
to your love I will commit
tell me all you plan to do
desire and come into
feel your fervour through the rope
feel your tongue against me *****
your need becomes mine to fill
tie me up, I'll be your thrill

you bring me your darkness
like a fat house cat
who has killed a mouse
placing it at my feet
still squirming
and you, proud
very well, I mumble
you're a formidable hunter
vulnerability is striking
yours ought to be celebrated
but darkness never dies easy
it chokes and sputters
and runs off with final breath

you once called me your dream girl
I was terrified that some day you'd wake up

I am haunted by memories
so dated and fake
remembering your face
the night you drowned in the lake
the way your hair tangled and laced
pruned fingers and bloated hands
your eyes long gone black
the final grains of sand
your brow already slack
"you promised me an always"
I mumbled, quietly
your body upwards lay
floating in the sea
through puffed cheeks
I could've sworn I saw
the words I so seeked
move from your jaw
"I'm sorry," you said
"we had a merciful end,
but long since I've been dead
at my will you should not bend"
and I understood now
all you meant and said
the permission you allowed
words replayed through my head
and I found a way to let you go

we slide through the grey
our eyes and words are at play
though our bodies sit still
filled feelings always spill
I miss the area I belong
even though it was wrong
salt and freckles on your skin
all the spots my lips have been
you always felt right to me
joined by our esprit
friendship and tension
you were of me, an extention
you held my hand and heart
and even though now apart
I loved you the way a lover should
the only way I ever could
with everything I had to give
I found in you a reason to live
you complicated me
you extricated me
I am grateful, though you are gone
and every day I dwell on
the feelings I have for you
and the space that between us grew

is it my soul you see
can you break me

bone by bone
crush my skull
yours to disown
or even cull

I can fake it
long enough
in two I've split
you call me tough

but bruises form
and I am torn

hear my plea
my body swells
please, break me
I won't tell

you photograph me
the parts I hate
my stomach and legs
the shutter clicks
zoom on my stretch marks
my jiggly bits and thighs
draped with see-through fabric
my skin for your eyes
to capture me
through your lens
raw and rose-coloured
we'll see what develops tonight
hot lights flash stars
my eyes are fixed on
your lips as they smirk
when you catch me
off-guard and too real
you're too close to my face
you're too close to my body
you're too close to my heart
and for a moment I'm scared
that your camera really does
capture all of me
all the parts I hate
my darkness and anger
the sad memories
the things I've done
the people I've hurt
I'm nervous you see me
but you whisper I'm beautiful
there's another click and flash
for a moment I believe you
and hope the camera captures
the me that you see
through your lens

I'm a jack-of-all-trades
good at nothing
good for nothing
I've never learned how to swim
or play an instrument
I can't drive a car
or write anything well
or carve your name in the stars
where it deserves to be

and I've never created
a single thing I've felt proud of
but I can cheer you on
watch you swim laps
from the shallowest end of the pool
and get excited when you publish
your capital "L" Literature
I'll cover you in glitter
so you'll shine to the ends of the galaxy
then we'll watch how every star in the night sky
blinks your name in morse code

I'd rather lose you
than the argument

I wish I could take your pain away
plant a garden of sunflowers someday
whisper I love you and that I'll stay
read to you while beside me, you lay
but day after day
I see the way you fray
how her words shatter and slay
but for some reason, you stay
at her whim, you obey
I felt your heart once stray
but you continued to delay
the inevitable, you downplayed
your unhappiness and dismay
I wish I could take back and unsay
the time I called 'us' a foolish cliché,
the smoke filled night at the cabaret
how late the dusk crept on the day-
we laid under stars in the milky way
talked about feelings and our soirée
your touch on my skin, like foreplay
looking back, you were my gateway
but for you, I was just another weekday
...and we both knew you'd never stay

your discomfort is my greatest pleasure
I smirk when you shiver
shift uncomfortably just a sliver
don't worry honey, I'm a giver

your silence is my favourite sound
I giggle when I catch you off guard
or plant quiet kisses on your lips, hard
you look at me with eyes starred

your pain is my happiest feeling
I am warmed when I give you an ache
and I can feel you underneath me, quake
it's my thirst you always slake

and honey, you're a giver

I've never felt homesick
even thousands of miles away

you're my home

aging their way together;
there was a shade of the person
he admired and esteemed
both within himself and her

a tune that slowed and drifted
became all the more intimate
through youth, silken and willing
which whispered to early hearts

we become and awaken with ardor
when our originals fail to excite
we grow and resemble the other
when one's love becomes requite

I still feel the warmth your love provides
though now I am alone and you, gone
I still feel you each night by my side
while every day awakes a new dawn
and I find ways to keep moving on

you were every part of me, my star
we saw a future for us alone
so many stolen nights became ours
I gave myself to you and was shown
parts of your body, muscle and bone

I loved you and every bit, my dear
without you, there are merely dull aches
knowing never will I have you near
letting you leave; my greatest mistake
now all I have left is my heartbreak

the flowers in my yard
each wilt one by one
without love fast and hard
the weeds 'come over run

poppies hang in shame
red petals fall off their bulb
I feel the silent cries of pain
as stems are crushed to pulp

the petals start to die and decay
but you seem to notice little
as long as one exists for play
it doesn't matter if it's brittle

so you pull and pluck and take
the things you once thought pretty
you can't hear a faint heart break
with the loud noises of this city

you tug and whisper far too loud
she loves me, she loves me not
the fog of simple minds will shroud
and twist and tease away a thought

I can be iron and steel, built of bricks
a stone tablet front you've etched into
now left standing like a memorial dome
an outline recognizable and familiar
this fallout doesn't scare me and never has
imprinted blackened ghosts lay at my side
nuclear shadows of what we had said
long before the plutonium sparked
I'll be left standing, though worse for wear
but even radiation can be cleaned with time
like the decades you both gave and took
and the love that both healed and destroyed

chocolate covered fantasies
and peanut butter dreams
pin me down with rope
grab the cold whipped cream

paint me like a cake
with ribbons of sugar and gold leaf
watch me come undone
as my wrists feel your teeth

decorate me with candied raspberries
along my stomach and my sides
tease me with your lips
let me be your guide

I have often wondered how it would feel
to live in a world of my own
to exist in a place where time does not steal
and live every moment alone

I would create poetry, nonfiction, and art
I would read every book on my shelf, at last
though there is a sadness within me in part
it dissipates eagerly and life moves on fast

I alone would have the stars as no one else does
to watch them twinkle and interpret all that they say
I alone would remember history and what once was
as I set out on a brand new journey each day

use my skin for your push pins
like a voodoo doll of rags and sin
yours to abuse, love or leave
yours for anything, cuddle or cleave

my strings are attached to wooden crosses
between rows of stone, I count my losses
you tell me that feelings aren't for dolls
speaking to you is like hitting a wall

you tell me I'm prettier up on a shelf
you say, around me, you can be yourself
I am just your puppet in the end
in doll houses, we play pretend

I keep my lips sealed in silent stitches
dress me up in red lipstick and riches
your happiness has always been my task
even though it means I'm wearing a mask

I'll ride on sparkling rainbows
to sandy shore lines far away
follow the beams and rays that glow
while rain drops form a bouquet

watch me dance through the sky
with the stars, I will sway
while playing with clouds, I fly
I'll learn to lose you on the way

a chemical cocktail spills from your lips
your tongue drips pure moonshine
table varnish leaks on the floor
i've been polishing for hours
can't get it clean, can't get clean
i scrub harder until my skin is red
and blood blemishes the rug nearby
my friends are the beams of sun
that show ashes in the air
i don't want to breathe it any more
i feel it scrape inside my lungs
wanting to get out and escape
white powder, lines of dust
and little pills that keep me sedated
my nose scrunches at the smell
of strong ozone and the taste
of metal forming in my mouth
while ironing out radiation particles
wondering where it all went so wrong

it would take
78 antidepressant pills or
60 mg of nicotine or
11 lbs of pasta or
4 bottles of wine or
2 minutes of carbon monoxide or
a single text message

to make my heart stop entirely

goodbye lover, goodbye
my broken heart will heal
but my youth will never restore
if I could return the stolen moments
I would, tenfold, back to you
I have no right to keep them hostage
I know my emotions were never
your responsibility, though I guiltily
made them your cross to bear
you exchanged sadness for pleasure
though I love you not for what you did
or the ways you'd make me laugh or feel
or the times you'd make me think and care
but because I felt as though I saw you
goofy, odd, brilliant, funny, wonderful, ****
my feelings are always genuine
and though we have bid one another farewell
I am certain my feelings will remain
long after my youth and body have gone
so adieu chéri, adieu--
some infinities are longer than others
the one we shared has never ended for me
though I can't give back these thoughts
the knowledge of loves existence is my burden
someday, days or years
lifetimes or centuries from now
a rainbow will touch the ocean
because my love for you spans
a greater infinity than time itself
but until that moment arrives
(if it ever arrives in this life time)
goodbye sweet love, goodbye--
for as long as you'd like

if you try to find my faults
you won't have to look very hard
I'm aware of every character flaw

my low self-esteem
caring too much about other people
when their bad days ruin my mood
the days I can't quite get out of bed
or the times where I've filled my mind
with thoughts welcoming death

I start to worry when someone is late
they've forgotten about me
they don't love me, or even like me
and sometimes that ends up being true
validating my own self-hatred
my brain reminds me I was right

I'm as hideous and disgusting
and unworthy of kindness
as I had always suspected

I hold everyone else up on a pedestal
every person I've encountered is
better, prettier, smarter, wiser
and I fall in love with the way
their eyes sparkle and lips curl
when they're passionately speaking

maybe I never love myself because
I can't see the spark in my own eyes
or maybe it doesn't exist at all

some days it feels like
everyone is out
living their lives
while I am typing into a void
that leaves me more empty
than when I started

I exist in everyone's head or heart
a different person;
not everyone will have
the kindest image of me painted
some will meet me at a vulnerable time
paint me with wide brush strokes or
harsh dark lines that only seem impenetrable
to protect myself from decoloration

the details in a large painting matter less--
and I can't help but feel like maybe
we were too ambitious with art of this size
too many details added in too quickly
and the canvas is left mostly blank
did you know, love, that a complex canvas
woven of good, strong, fabric
holds more paint than a shallow gloss?

spend a minute looking at my angles
the shadows you've drawn across my face
is this how you've chosen to see your subject
or is this who I really am?
are you drawing what you really see
or just what you think you see?
look closer, try again to paint me as I am
see my many layers of colour and shape

because baby, maybe I am a piece of work
but you're no artist, either

you have me trained to do
every little thing that pleases you
I disobey and you ring a bell
but wrong from right, I can tell

I am not for you, I know
you and I apart will grow
you took your leave from my life
I wish you only good days and nights

please, don't take my poetry as a sign
I'm aware you were never mine
some will touch your life with gold
and quickly leave you out to cold

my words are now for only me
and happy as a dog, I will be

I have often wondered, since my birth
what is my body worth?
does the outside count more than in?
humans are all born of sin--
kavanaugh weinstein trump
treat women as objects to dump
is my body for their hungry eyes?
will they undress my sweet disguise?
aware that my body is not my own
aware of my safety when I am alone
please don't think I could ever be yours
please don't harass me and shout out slurs
is an ** worth less than an xy?
how have we all turned a blind eye?

dear, settle not for inauthentic love
find a poet who keeps your soul ablaze
someone exists who fits you like a glove
and will love you for who you are, always

it is not too much to ask for romance
candle-lit dinners, **** notes, warm baths
there is a power in love at first glance
but true romance keeps your journey on path

so keep your chin up and find a poet
for they will know love, and how to show it

media is self absorbed
corrupt government systems
**** journalists and civilians
bleached coral reefs
nuclear bomb testing
fast fashion and factory farming
class discrepancy grows
capitalism expands
the forest weeps
earth is burning
150-200 species of life
become extinct every day

here's a picture of my food
and my pet, he's a good boy
vacay in madrid smiley emoticon
hashtag blessed hashtag fun

is it a lie or a distraction

sometimes I wish I could scoop you up
and place you carefully in my pocket
safe, tucked away from anything
or anyone that could hurt you

your inhibitions have never made you attractive
the vapid silence adds value only to the weaker
who dislike a challenge or good conversation
so leave behind your moments of shame
or self conscious memories of low self esteem
become the person you desire to be
rather than the one who's role you've been playing
all these years
once you learn to let go you will be able
to move on with reckless abandon
natural and beautiful
and find the love and happiness you crave
within yourself

I can see where the forked road leads:

one path smooth and easy
it never leads to happiness
but maybe I could fool myself
into thinking your heart never made me
feel anything at all and
if I squeeze my eyes shut
and wish very hard
while I count the songs
of origami swans
or the rings of tree branches
like a boreal ribcage around the path
I'll wonder if the trees were happier rooted

the other road is treacherous
my heart shatters and breaks
in a million new ways
crossing shaky bridges
with hundred foot drops
and I don't come out unscathed
because there's no way to perform
heart surgery on yourself
some weeks I'm so scared
I'll bleed out entirely
others, I'll spend growing alone
uncomfortably
finding strength in myself
wondering why I didn't pick
the smooth road--
though it was never
a difficult decision to begin with

you spoiled the ending of our book
but I wasn't ready to stop reading

you're easy to love
I'm easy to leave