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Dec 2016 · 476
queen me
Allison Dec 2016
I want people to stare at me as I walk by
Bow down to me
Kiss my feet
But they don't because I am just me

I want people to put flowers in my hair
Hold my hand
Lift up my soul
But they don't because I am just me

I want to be treated like a goddess
Dress me in white
Red on my lips
But I only look like one because I am just me

I want someone to look me in the eyes
And tell me
I am their god
But I can't even look them in the eyes

I want to live upon my people
They are the butterflies
I lay around and watch them
The garden is my home

In the garden no one kisses my feet
Or holds my hand
Rather I am surrounded by friends
We are each other's goddesses

The flowers admire me
They sit in my hair
The butterflies kiss me
And stain my lips red
Dec 2016 · 577
give me a flower
Allison Dec 2016
I lied when I said no one cared about me
There are people out there
That perhaps care about me too much
That it makes me feel suffocated.

I lied when I said I loved you
I love a lot of people
But I know one of those people isn't you
Sorry about it.

I lied when I said I've always been sad
I love life almost every other day
But today I wish to hide
Not sorry about it.
Allison Dec 2016
I know beautiful words in my brain but I don't know how to say them.
I dream of changing the world with my actions but I don't know how to do them.
I desire an immaculate form of love but I don't know how to find it.
I wish to make art for a living but I don't know how to support myself.
I want to change someone's life but I don't know how to influence people.

It's okay I will continue to sit here and be a useless student.

A student who wishes to learn how to make the world love me.
Allison Dec 2016
When I first took my pants off for a boy he did not love me.
"Is that all you have to offer?"
"I guess you will do."

When I first met someone who I thought was my friend, they didn't respect me.
"I don't like people like you."
"I guess you will do."

When I first stripped my hair of its natural color, I did not recognize myself.
"Who are you?"
"I guess you will do."

When my parents found out I was depressed, they looked at me differently.
"This isn't the daughter I know."
"I guess you will do."

When my first boyfriend found out I was suicidal, he dumped me.
"Oh you're on the verge of ending your life?"
"You certainly won't do!"

When you found out I was a lost cause, you accepted me.
"You're beautiful with all your scars."
"You certainly will do."
Dec 2016 · 458
Situation Countless
Allison Dec 2016
Leave me alone.
I don't like words.
Everyone lies.

Leave me alone.
In a meadow
Surrounded by silence.

Leave me alone.
They won't see me cry
I won't try to die.

Leave me alone.
I only trust myself
And my breath

Leave me alone
The daisies and tulips
They might see me cry

Leave me alone
I will cry
I will die.
Dec 2016 · 995
your beauty
Allison Dec 2016
Little do you know, how beautiful you are.
Your eyes are the stars in the sky that is only mine,
You take me to my moon with each glance.

Little do you know, how beautiful you are.
Your voice is the first song I've ever listened to,
You lift me up into my own heaven.

Little do you know, how beautiful you are.
You make my Christmas feel like the only Christmas,
You let me dress in all my favorite hues.

Little do you know, how beautiful you are.
Your fingers touch my planets in all the right directions,
You create a painting on my lips with yours.

Little do they know, how good you are.
They do not wish me with you,
They believe you got rid of my sunshine.

Little do they know, how wrong they are.
You make my days darker, but my stars brighter,
You are my night, you are my universe.

Little do you know, how beautiful you are.
All my stars are every atom on your body,
And I wish to drench myself in it.
Mar 2015 · 432
you (new)
Allison Mar 2015
We both got our hearts broken,
But while yours was only stitched up,
Mine was a forest that kept getting burned down and replanted, only to get destroyed again.
Nov 2014 · 386
father
Allison Nov 2014
this is too rough of a time for me
how am I supposed to live without my father
with his words of wisdom, how am I supposed to breathe?

Father, oh Father,
I told you not to leave, but you did.
I mourn with you not here
Father, oh Father,
why did you go and leave?
this is written about a father figure, not my actual father
Nov 2014 · 377
How to Love?
Allison Nov 2014
I bite my tongue when I say this,
I'm in love but I don't quite know how to.
I don't know how to give someone my heart
Do you sit on your hands?
Or do you put them around his body?
Do you kiss him?
Or do you continue wearing red lipstick?

But before I jump to conclusion, I should include the fact that He might never look at me that way.
Now, in conclusion, I might love him for awhile
Jul 2014 · 356
You
Allison Jul 2014
You
I finally have something good but it keeps slipping out my fingers.
If that were to happen, I would be so lost.
I WOULD BE SEARCHING DAY UNTO NIGHT FOR SOMEONE THAT REMINDED ME OF YOU.
Which would be so ******* hard, because nobody is like you.
You were my light in a dark room, WHEN I HAD BEEN IN DARKNESS FOR COUNTLESS DAYS.
I can't let this happen, because even THINKING about it begins to break my heart.
PEOPLE HAVE COME AND GONE BUT NONE ARE QUITE LIKE YOU.
I see you in my sleep, I don't know what that means but I really want you next to me.
I REALLY WANT YOUR HEART BEATING NEXT TO MINE TO SYMBOLIZE THAT MY HEART BEATS FOR YOU.
I have no idea if you think about me that often but I wish for you to know that you are ALWAYS ON MY MIND AND IN EVERY LETTER I WRITE.
I'm sorry for coming off angry, but these things are important to me.
Don't go.
I NEED YOU
NOT JUST SOMEONE
I NEED YOU
If there were ever someone else, my mind would wander off to find you instead.
YOU ARE THE WAVE IN MY OCEAN THAT GIVES ME LIFE.
YOU ARE THE ONE THAT HELPS ME TO BREATHE.
YOU MADE ME SMILE WHEN I DIDN'T QUITE REMEMBER WHAT THAT WAS LIKE.
YOU'VE MADE ME FEEL THINGS THAT I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE.
you, if you're reading this, take notes.
Jul 2014 · 451
Situation003
Allison Jul 2014
You have to let go of the negative influences in your life before you wish things positive.
You have to wash away the dirt before you wish to be clean.
You have to let go of the last chapter in order to make a new one.
You have to rub your eyes in order to see clearly.
You have to have rain before you see a rainbow.
You have to breathe in order to live.
You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
Jul 2014 · 471
hap·pi·ness (n.)
Allison Jul 2014
I used to look up at the sky and watch the birds go by.
I gave them names, Dave, Bucky, Zoey, and I.
I used to look up happiness in the dictionary.
The definition didn't please me.
So I decided happiness is Dave, Bucky, Zoey, and I.
Because the happiest I'd ever been,
was watching God's creation at work.
Jul 2014 · 410
cancer
Allison Jul 2014
Baby,
Don't you die without me
I won't let it happen
Someone needs you here
You gave me light when living in darkness
You gave me food when I was dying of starvation
Don't you die without me
but it's out of my control
Do not go silently into that night
Do not follow the light
come back
don't go
I'm coming
I'll be there soon,
                               I promise.
Jul 2014 · 1.9k
Champagne
Allison Jul 2014
This champagne is meant for a wedding.
Not for me, alone at 1 in the morning.
The champagne is supposed to be used for celebration.
Not to drown in my sadness.
This bottle will never get used for its actual purpose.
For toasts to good times, and making memories.
I've wasted the life of this bottle.
It will never forgive me.
I will be hungover in the morning.
Goodnight and Goodbye.
Jul 2014 · 592
mind of a (suicidal)
Allison Jul 2014
Take me away from here.
Here is where I don't wish to be.
Take me away emotionally.
My head is a bad place to be.
It tells me,
to jump off that bridge
and you will finally be left alone.
But
there is no bridge in front of me.
My head tells me to swallow twenty.
Or forty.
And then everything will be at peace.
Take me away spiritually.
My soul is confused.
Is god there
or is he in the form of a demon,
that sits next to me at night.
Do I have someone?
Or have I killed my guardian angel.
Take me away mentally.
To have the mind of a stable person
is something on my list.
I wish I didn't hate myself,
I wish things weren't this way.
Take me away physically.
I'm tired of sitting here in this graveyard,
there's dead bodies around me.
Did I **** them?
Or am I buried under with them?
Take me away from here.
Jul 2014 · 386
Situation002
Allison Jul 2014
I hate getting the shivers.
You give me them, but I love you.

I hate getting butterflies.
You give me them, but I love you.

I love getting told "I love you."
You never say that to me, and I hate that.
Jul 2014 · 620
evoL
Allison Jul 2014
What's the point of love
I do not know.
What's the point of living
If I can't find love.

What's the point of love
I do not know.
I need to love someone
I need to use my heart.

What's the point of love
I do not know.
They will die eventually.
And I will be alone.

What's the point of love
I think I know.
Don't take me seriously
I think it has gone.
Jul 2014 · 315
17
Allison Jul 2014
17
When you were seven, someone gave you favors.
Negative favors, that felt so wrong.
Ten years later, it's still in your mind.
You drink about it.

When you were fourteen, someone broke your heart.
Heartbroken, and full of self - hatred.
Three years later, you still hate yourself.
You smoke about it.

When you turned seventeen, nobody knew.
Nobody knew your thoughts.
Two months later, you were found on the floor.
You never talked about it.
Jul 2014 · 1.3k
Thursday
Allison Jul 2014
Maybe we're not meant to be.
I found you, you found me.
Maybe we are stars.
Shooting around to hide our scars.
Maybe we are supposed to meet the wrong people.
We fall in love until our bones run feeble.
Maybe we're friends maybe we're more.
Don't leave me here, my heart is sore.
Maybe we're the lucky ones.
I might give my heart to you, but it weighs tons.
Allison Jul 2014
Why do people feel the need to replace me?
I am one person, one being
not a can of soda to put into a recycling bin.

Why do people feel the need to beat me?
I am one person, only human
not a punching bag to let your anger out with.

Why do people feel the need to leave?
I am one person, one soul
not a dog in a shelter.

Why do I always let you down?
I am a monster, a coward
not the one you've been searching for.
Jun 2014 · 664
I'm Not Sorry
Allison Jun 2014
I'm not sorry for thinking this way
I'm not sorry for hating myself
I'm not sorry for skipping meals
I'm not sorry for eating too much
I'm not sorry for these scars
I'm not sorry for losing my virginity
I'm not sorry for the drugs
I'm not sorry for trying to **** myself

For when I do **** myself,
I'm sorry
It was an accident
It won't happen again
Jun 2014 · 704
Hate Story
Allison Jun 2014
This is not a love story.
I took him and used him.
I had won a trophy, I was in glory.
His future with me was dim.
This is not a love story.

He is like a fly,
always following me.
I tried stabbing his eye,
But somehow he can still see.
He is like a fly.

He has finally disappeared.
I can finally breathe.
The coast has cleared.
You are now beneath.
He has finally disappeared.
Jun 2014 · 1.8k
Alright
Allison Jun 2014
I threw my hands in the air
You threw your words at me
They threw me back into a state of shock.
Tell me you love me and it will be alright.

I threw your things out on the balcony
You threw your hands in the air
I threw you into a state of madness.
Tell me you love me and it will be alright.

I threw myself onto the bed, crying.
You threw your body next to mine
I drew your lips close to mine.
Tell me you love me and it will be alright.
Jun 2014 · 3.9k
Under a Maple Tree
Allison Jun 2014
Often when I am sad I will find a maple tree.

One afternoon, when you broke my heart for the first time,
I found a maple tree which I could look at forever.
The Comfort Maple, home sweet home.

For the next ten years I found myself running to this maple.

One morning, when I had awoke at dawn, I sat under the tree.
I found an apricot - colored leaf sitting about two feet away.
I held it towards my heart, home sweet home.

When I woke up that Saturday morning, something was odd.
I saw you at the foot of my bed, in tears.
You were leaving me, oh, oh no.

I decided never to visit home again, because home reminded me of you.
I walked by everyday, shame in my heart.
Wherever you were, I wished I could go.

Thirty years later, I learned to write.

I learned to write thanks to the Comfort Maple.
I began to visit daily, writing my heart onto a leaf of paper.
Wherever you were, my heart left to find you.

When I heard the news you had passed, my old hands began to shake.
I was living without you, but now I actually had to.
I started to believe that you live on; you are a poem that breathes.
Jun 2014 · 817
Santa Barbara
Allison Jun 2014
The way he exhaled as if it were his last
He held it between his *******,
as if it were the last flower he'd ever pick.
I only liked him for the way he smoked his cigarettes.

The way he swallowed as if it were his medicine
He carried it around as if it were his child,
and I admired it.
I only liked him for the way he drank his whiskey.

He said it like it was his vows
He made every promise like he'd never made one before
I loved everything that came out
I only liked him for the way he said "love".

I look back upon these reasons
I realize these aren't ways to love someone
But you left me with bullets in my head.
I do not love you, I do not love you.
Jun 2014 · 3.4k
2am
Allison Jun 2014
2am
2am is when the wolves call for me and I die slowly.

2am is when I end up sacrificing myself to you, so I can finally be quiet.

2am is when I won't fall asleep because all I have is this window to keep me company.
2am I look and see a tumbleweed in the streets, wandering aimlessly.

"That's my heart now set it free."

2am a song comes on the radio. It isn't familiar,  but it somehow describes everything I'm feeling, even right down to its melody.

2am I don't know who I am but all I know is I need a friend.

At 2am I will play this song until my head can't take it anymore. It's a mantra that won't stop repeating itself, and I love it.

2am I look into my sheets. I peer down and see your face. I reach to touch it but it fades away. Transparent you is very rude.

At 2am I will sing this tune I do not know. Therefore it will sound drunken, but I do not care because it reminds me of you.

2am where did you go? You used to be right next to me. Now all I have is oxygen filling the space where you would look at me and say, "I love you."

2am how did I end up this way?  I open my hands and see my veins. I hate them. I hate them because you used to run your fingers across them.

2am I grab the weapon of death. I can see my reflection even in the darkness. As my heart throbs of pain, my life is over and I am free, at 2am.
Jun 2014 · 828
fake suicide
Allison Jun 2014
I honestly feel as if you dont love me.
I can't talk to you without you being selfish over your own sadness.
Well I am very ******* sad,  and I hope you know that I am very fake.
I am fake because I can't talk without faking my emotions.
My emotions have been so fake I don't even know what is real anymore.
Are you real?
Am I real?
I figured that you are real and I am fake.
I can hardly stand myself.
Please leave me alone to die.
I can't even tell you who I am anymore
because I have been doing this for years.
But if you want me to stop myself from taking my own life,
please know that you have no right to tell me what to do,
and I might do it anyway.
But before I die,
please tell me who I am.
I am lost.
Do not find me.
Jun 2014 · 681
science told me
Allison Jun 2014
I've never really seen my heart,
I've never seen it break
or come back together.
But science told me, it's there.

I've never really seen my brain,
I've never seen myself think
or solve an equation.
But science told me, it's there.

I've never really seen you love someone,
Yet you say you love me
and want me here forever
Can science prove you wrong?

I'm giving up on you now,
I've never seen you so cold.
The x - rays have proved me wrong.
Science cannot help us, you are on fire.
Jun 2014 · 1.2k
my wishlist
Allison Jun 2014
I wish you liked me like I like you
Forever I will stand by your side
But will you do the same for me?
Always I will call your name
But do you even know mine?

I wish you knew me like I know you
Every record will remind me
of the way you swayed with the music
You never knew my favorite songs
You never even asked

I wish you hated me like I hate myself
When I didn't want to look at anyone
You always glanced at me
Maybe you loved me
Maybe I didn't want you to

I wish you saw me like I see myself
All I see is someone so evil
Yet you looked at me
as if I were an angel
Maybe I didn't want you to

I wish you stayed here with me
I don't hate you
for taking your life
But maybe you should come back
and look at me again

— The End —