i am tired of needing to explain myself
i am tired of searching for words
i cannot find them so i take them in the shape of small pink pills
but i'm not out of control so don't hypothesize
like i said several times i'm fine

i can't quit living a lie
i've lived to tell my tall tales
holding my breath until i drop
waiting on my heart to stop

please
let me
in
i'll let you
stay
god i miss the way
you smiled
back when
i was only
your's

eat me up

sick of you
and sick of me
put us out of our misery

does it matter if i'm the one for you
see she'll love you no matter what you do
and i'll always want you no matter what we go through
it's not enough for you is it?
seeing me cry because you treat me like ****
seeing her get fried because it's the only way she doesn't mind

god i wish you were mine
can't count the times
you were in my head
when i wished i was dead
i wished you were here instead

the way she loves you
the way you want me
why'd you **** her over
messing with me
building up feelings
loving me for the night
hate me in the morning
i know i'm not your type and i know she's not either
hope you you crash and forget my name

my ring finger's too small for my ring
its a funny thing
when im hopped up on xanax see
i dont mind
how you wasted my time
but it gives me vertigo
every time i let go

when my mind melts like plastic
she'll call me tragic
a love story lost its luster
she knows i could never muster the strength to run away
from the pain

my life is going nowhere
she likes to tell me im worthless
she sings it like its the chorus
hazy i'll build my walls so high she cant climb
fine dine with the lies she likes
i knew what i meant to you
but see i wont fight for you
this times done for you

feel it in my lies
the prettiest girl with the emptiest eyes
she doesn't want you
she didn't stutter with what she said
it'll echo in your head
matter fact
she wishes
you were dead

im not so perfect
so what makes you think im worth it

i could see the end was coming
and he doesn't know **** about me
i'm glad to leave

i'll bite the hand that feeds me lies and lust
the deception and broken trust bleeding black down my face
tear streaked cheeks,smiling with a mouth full of pills
swallowing the biggest lie
loving you

you dont see what i am
walls close in
im the one,arent i?
im the one that caused you hell
planted my kiss in your head
slept in your bed
leaving you,left for dead

see i'll always look at you as my first
not ever the last to leave my room
her and you and him and him and her
of course its the same ****
wrists racing lines,mind hiding lies
just read between the lines

oh god the way you make me feel
make me scream,until my life feels like its just a dream
showing me the inside of your blackened brain,i see why im insane
i lie and lie and lie to make you love me
when i know you dont want me
you lie and lie and lie
that you want me
when really you dont love me

still i cant see
why you'd lie
you know were both wrong
and i know this time,you will come back
this time i wont go back
this time i wont crack
i wont let you slip in my broken edges to fill me like glue
to hold me together and make me new
i want to feel the raw pain of being torn apart
i want to feel what its like to get cut

a god of his own
ripping the world up to shreds
wreaking hell
bringing havoc
metallic punishments,piercing the air
pulling the pleasure out from mortal wounds within
who will judge the ungodly or godless
bound to loveless and unloved
dying just as he was

i feel so alone in red heaven
sweaters and black jeans galore
i bared my red face
as i went out of place
and hopped over the fence at the grocery store
my red bat fell straight to the ground
they all ducked and run as the hellion was found
right outside of the store
in red sweater galore
i returned my baseball bat
they laughed as i filled up my hat
with red sweaters and black jeans galore
i opened my eyes to blood on the floor

thank you
you held my hand as i cried
i sobbed,
"she lied,she lied,she lied"
you could feel my shaking breath
and feel how i wept
i felt gone i guess but you stayed
you never remember my name
but you stayed through my wave of pain
to make sure i was okay
i let the entire office fill with my rain
drowning them all in my ocean
but you floated
i appreciate that
you could have just left i'd have been fine with that
but you stayed
and you saved me
for another day.
thank you

i stopped writing
because
the well was so full it overflowed
and the trees were killed one by one
i felt finished and defeated just as the rainforest fell
my heart is like the well that is now
empty,a hollow shell
im now half full instead of half empty
i see things without my eyes
my heart is dying rind of an orange
the mold poison you see
my hands are just legs of a spider typing and weaving its words
im no longer part of a person
im just a part of this world

you promised to take me to the moon
i promised to take you to the isle
i brought you flowers,i picked on my own
you brought me a smile and words to hold
worlds apart even so close to home
i cant exactly hold your hand in my space suit
and besides i live in space
you can't love an alien

they ask me
do you want to get better?
do you intend on bettering yourself?
will you get better?
truth be told
i dont know
i've bit at my nails till the blood runs down my wrist
i've cracked all my bones till my knuckles were red
i've dug at my skin till i bruise
and no answer draws from the marks i leave
so maybe they should leave me alone
because i cant write the answer in skin and bone

reputable stigmata staining my hands like ink and bleeding through the paper back book of a story
on chapter fifteen
each word is made of blood
each page is just tears
writing out all of my deepest fears
fifteen she screams at the top of her lungs
the year when she refused to eat her birthday cake
afraid to gain back that weight
the year she sat in the back of the cop car
trying to run from home
the year her anorexia poked through the seams in her jeans
cutting and dicing her skin like elastic
stretching her mind out just like plastic
shes not a plastic toy
shes more like glass that cracked

the sun will shine no more
i've held on to you too long
my heart has a meltdown anyway
told you i couldn't smile
you turned me upside down making my tears into my crown
i didnt think it would hurt the way it did
but i guess i lied when i told you i never cried
cant stop running through the rain
the wind sweeps me off of my feet
further than you could ever
due to your courtesy visit
i can no longer pick up the phone
all you'll hear is my dial tone

crashing my car into your window
screaming when you cry
laughing when my head hits the glass
cracking my head open
splitting my sides and bruising my brain
losing my mind and going insane
i dont want to run around headless
screaming into the dark
your smile falls on him
im okay with this i cry in the back of the cop car
painting my nails red filling my body with dread

shocked is all they are
in fact they don’t understand
they believe i am not a bad kid but what do they know underneath my skin
between the fold of my brain
assumptions made about a young minded teen
warped by drugs,alcohol and ***
changes killing away the innocent
the brown eyes that used to glow now burn black
perhaps they think age is innocence
perhaps they think i’m still pure
poisoned by your surprise
leading to my demise

pills help me spot the differences in these pages
these days spill together like the paints i cannot use
my mind grays like the drawings where i went out of the lines
my mouth spills out the colors that i don’t dare to say

my lack of words makes up for a small thing you lack for me
i’m oddly enchanted by your world
just as you by my own

i’ll burn down your white picket fence
destroy your garden
crash your car
you want me to join your perfect little life,i hope it doesn’t go far
im a ******* disaster
a hurricane in nirvana
a ****** scene so close you can still hear her womanly screams
if you still believe this is the silver screen
i hope you see me in color ruining your favorite black and white scene

waiting to get better
my heart grows sore
without you i wonder,
do you still dance in the dark
the way we used to
the way you laid in my arms
do you miss me?
give me roses with all your thorns
i know i can’t compete
please don’t look through me the way you do
please see,i want to dance when i can see you
a maze of pain when light won’t stay
i wish you could hear me
but you shut me out
and do great with him
i used to be the one
now,i’m an after thought
give me a reason i should just leave
please just say you missed me
i just miss dancing in your arms

the way i admire your blue oceans
i now see you as a drought
my love you were never open
my head was full of doubt
you dread my exsistance
as i fill you with lead
perhaps you’d be better off
with no one instead

my visit goes far from unnoticed
the bitterness that i hold with spite
you have built your house on my property hoping i would let you stay but i am of the wickedly born
i do not ask for visitors
sweetly the witch will open her doors
for what is the pleasure i owe you?

candle lit night turned dark
no roses needed or in sight
darling,im not in love.
i feel nothing for you.
drop dead is repeating in my head
the temptation to press you to a wall and scream all night long
i never cared,you’re bound to hate me but at least you don’t want to date
lying and manipulation are my passions and my lip stick stain matches the color of your new pain,blood red.
you’re full of dread but still,
drop dead.

candles not wanted
romance not being worked for
you're not the one and nor am i
a one night thing
better not trip up and fall
i won’t love you back
don’t cry when i walk away
walking to me
already waiting on you with someone new

awful things are all we scream
burning down the memories
until you no longer exsist to me
dead flowers in your hands
my smile faltering to an end
i don’t think i loved you dear
and i don’t think you understand
i have no heart to love you
and i never can

praising your blues
watching my earth move
holding hands out of sight
leaving us out of mind
saying no words
just you and i

he is not my lover
but yet i weep
he could never love a boy like me
he doesn’t see me the way i see myself
he sees right through me
he only sees me in black and white
and i still weep

centipedes eating away my memories
bury me alone,no place to call home
an enemy in my own body
a traitor to the troupe
skin and flesh have no rest
the wicked never sleep
creeping away from the stone cold grave
i lay awake in her place
a vad existence in her wake
she´ll see me in the morning
sawing away at our living source.

empty is all she feels
around her his smoke is curling
slowly unfurling some sense of joy
darkness and bitterness darken her colors
he adds his loveliness into her canvas
colors spreading between one another
killing my darkness within
friendliness saved her gently
weeping her canvas clean
both happy once again

i saw you in color my love
you only saw me in black and white
my world is swirling in saturated color
pain pooling inside of my chest
fever coiling around my neck
you were a real threat
but i smiled like a fool while i wept

Dear diary,
god do you have any pity for that of the sinner?
For I know how small my existence is and it hurts me lord.
All I wish is to be free from the isolation of my mind.
Diary,is it wrong to wish that those who hate me to have enough power to destroy me?
Truly I do wish for my demons inside to be defeated but unfortunately god I seem to have become them.
Diary,can I truthfully be stopped from throwing my life away?

The physical and mental burdens I carry,will they finally **** me?
Surely im not overthinking my pain,rather underselling it?
I crave for my body to be torn to shreds,made into a completely new being,one worth no mans lips uttering the name of.
Am I worth such desolate power?
Is it evil to wish to be alone,is it evil to wish for others to feel the same as me?
Is it wrong to hate this flesh I live in?
My greatest fantasy is to be in the comradery of death.
Diary,am I becoming the devil?
Or do I rather shadow the agony of hell I seek to bring.

an angel,a peach a sweetheart
everything you do makes my mind swim with affection
intoxicated with infatuation
stumbling into your arms in the corridor with handfuls of flowers
my smile is growing,my heart is fully showing
i enjoy your company my cherub,my dear.

shimmering sunshine
golden glowing haze
your gentle shy smile washes over my senses
losing my mind with your every laugh
an angel in disguise
everything you do makes me slowly come undone
your voice sweet like honey
im falling for you so hopelessly

bitter smiles across the corridors
seeing you with her is the worst
i dont miss you,just your hand in my own is better than in hers
what does she have,that i dont?
is it the lust or the looks that she gives you?
is it the smile she has that i lost?
i really dont miss you,i just need you laying next to me
but you left me empty.

perhaps my mind is a breaking thing
can you mend a mirror,or leave it shattered?
perhaps you don't know the true me,perhaps i'm as jagged and broken inside as i scream and pretend to be this character of audacity.
if in the end i do not love me,then what is there to fix?
see you claim my heart is in the right place but maybe i'm worse than we thought?
my love,i fear you don't understand,my heart is as broken as me.
my love,i see you don't really understand i'm a reflective dystopian.

ethereal utopia burned to hell,perhaps the carnage of death made them scream their scriptures at the sinners.
Lucifer clutching the hearts of the vertigo minded devotion to a blank faced god,showing no mercy to the imperfect yet claiming righteous love.  
The blind will never see and the sinners will always seek some relief from pain,or perhaps their counterparts seek to relieve the duty of the never ending pretentious love for a celestial being they know nothing of.