There's so much more out there,darling:
days of sun and warmth,
without his face,
without his presence.
There're meadows of freedom
from chains that had you so trapped,
you forgot you wanted to escape.
Yes, he's gone,
and that simple fact provokes no tears,
for, more importantly, the one who's back
is you,
in your full and newly recognized splendor.
You're a masterpiece darling,
and he's not the artist.

Us, lonely creatures, we’ve got something special: we can rebuild ourselves several times,
only from the pieces we saved on the way down on a night not unlike this one
under a moon not unlike
the colour of your skin since you’ve been giving yourself away without reason
only to maybe stop the ticking in your head
time is running
time is flying
time is taking a spaceship to where you want to be but never will be able to reach
because that’s what you found out when you screamed your way into this world and somehow you managed to stop the screaming
even if you’re just as terrified as when you first saw the light you never asked for.
Find me, universe. Even you forgot where you tossed me.
You are a melancholic soul, child.
You turned yourself inside out and still haven’t found the source of this feeling.
Some things shouldn’t be seen during the day.
Clean up all your vulnerable parts and stack them under the carpet.
Pack up your heart and tape it shut.
Don’t let the red escape, because red is poisonous and you’ve got so much venom inside your mouth
that you forgot what being pure tastes like.
I’ve been seeing red
I’ve been breathing red
I’ve been crying red.
Does loneliness mean anything anymore?
You’ve chewed it up and spit it out so many times
10 times each morning and
20 times each night just to keep it under control.
Where is your control?
Where is your essence?
Where is your patience?
You’ll need it when every inch of you asks for harmony in a million different ways that go against each other
and which voices are you supposed to listen to when you’ve been talking to yourself so much you forgot what your own voice sounds like?
Home is nowhere and everywhere all at once
and sometimes I find it within myself but
sometimes this body is a strange building I’ve never set foot in before.
I let the wind cleanse me from the inside out.
His whispers are comforting; his touch is the rebirth I crave.
May I try again? I’m not quite sure I understand what it means to live in this world.
I’m still longing for the one I left.

Walk gently through these meadows,
do not disturb that which shouldn't be woken,
that which the gods struggled to put to rest.
They hold stories your grandfather tried to tell
with trembling hands and twitching eyes,
but you rendered them fiction,
even when they were digging holes beneath your feet.
The scent of the undead seeps through the grass,
and you'd think green shouldn't smell like rotting flesh;

Walk gently through these meadows,
hold on to dear life,
or better yet,
don't walk at all.

Have you been able to look yourself in the eye
lately?
Or has darkness taken over
your vision?
You think you're seeing monsters,
but they're just mirrors.
They don't go away when she sun
comes up.

This is called loneliness.
This is more than what I bargained for
when I let you rip out my soul
and drag me in this underworld
of burning feelings
and forgotten people,
of everything that’s left behind
after it’s been used.
I feel your eyes on my tender skin
and it burns like venom through my blood.
But don’t you know
I’m becoming immune
with each passing second
and one day my gaze won’t be buried in the ground anymore.
Don’t you dare not look me in the eye
or run from my claws and growing scales;
Don’t you dare be surprised
if one day I bite without any warning;
don’t you dare say you’re sorry
before I turn you into stone.

This is called monstrosity;
this is becoming what you’ve always dreaded.

My dear moon,
My old friend,
Who listens to my thoughts
All night,
Who knows my darkest secrets
And my deepest desires.
Step sister of the Sun,
You give me light when
I need it the most.
One day,
I will join you.

Under the moonlight, I understood
why darkness asked for my company
or why the stars were winking at me
each dreamless night.
I knew of my existence not as a human
but as a child of the moon, as a child born from mystery.
I bore my name and I spoke it
not in whispers,
but loudly, with a feeling of belonging
to a universe that showed itself wholly
in my complicated mind,
in my damaged soul,
in the green spark of my eyes,
which encompasses every word I've left unsaid,
in the emotion running smoothly down my cheek
whenever I was thinking of you.

I'd never thought I would wake up
and my first thought wouldn't be you.
But I had tottered
and I had fallen
with your face before my eyes
for far too long.
On my way up,
I could not recognize it anymore
and mornings no longer
knew of your existence.

Mutters, mutters, mutters.
Oh, where are my words?
What hiding have they found
when I need them the most?
My mouth moves in vain,
my eyes roll aimlessly;
I have become half dead,
I stroll around carelessly.
May my poor soul revive,
May my gaze once again rise,
May I find parts of me
that I have lost down the line.

Nothingness is having a conversation
With the human it created.

Soft-faced, the moon looks down
On a not so soft girl.
Call for me-
I’ve been waiting,
I’ve been longing,
I’ve forgotten what it means
To burn.

It’s been a while since the world bothered with my presence.

Saying too much is regretful.
Saying too little is poignant.
But what is it when you feel
you've  done both at the same time?
There are words left on my tongue,
shards of sentences I'll never utter
shards that I had to swallow.
They cut deep into my flesh
and my insides turned into
a patchwork of glass, scars and blood.
And yet my mouth is dry,
tired of everything I let slip through my lips
when it should've never seen the light of day
or reached your ears
or reached your heart.
I keep thinking I should've known.
But I shouldn't have.
My mind would've gone mad
had I not released it
of some of its burden.
My heart would've dried out
had I not let
a few drops of your ocean
seep through.

There was once this boy I knew.
He had love on his lips,
but his tongue spelled deceit,
and when I tasted the poison,
it was too late.

There was once this boy I knew.
He danced with the stars
and made my heart beat to his rhythm,
but when my own tempo was found,
they didn't match.

There was once this boy I knew.
He could light up all my dark corners
with a glimpse of his smile,
but the trouble was, between us,
there were no words, nor his, nor mine.

There were once three girls I knew.
They chased lies, looks and illusions,
and craved affection like it was ******.
But they all died.

And now here I am, a blend
of all the boys I knew
and all the girls I've been,
and I'm trying to make peace
with the fact that it's just me now.

And it's starting to feel right.

I wish I could break out of myself,
and maybe from afar I could understand
everything that I am made of
and I could make sense of the shadows in my head,
because I can't see through the fog anymore,
and sometimes when I look in the mirror,
I don't recognize myself.
.Rock bottom hurts like hell
and I can barely see the way out.
Maybe running away isn't the answer,
but I wish I could do it.
Maybe that's what I've been doing all this time,
just running away from myself.
I'm too scared to sit still.
I'm too scared to catch up with myself.
I just want to be free.
Out, out, out.
I want out.

The only thing I've got left
Are three rose petals
From the night
You made me your own.
They were once white,
Pure, hopeful, innocent,
Much like me,
A fragile petal in your claw.
Now, they've become yellow,
Much like our love,
Ill, broken,
Decomposing.
Perhaps I should let them go
And be carried by the wind
In the place of all things lost.
Only I would have to go too,
For I am no longer found
By you.

Please come back, September,
'cause it's cold and it's dark,
and I feel like corpses are rising behind my back
and this whole world is our own,
personal tomb.
I know I banished you, September,
for my icy heart thought
I'd make a rope out of your leaves
and tie it around my neck
in a knot.
I bellow and I cry, September,
have mercy on my poor soul,
don't let it crawl through snow
that might cover me up completely
and oh, so, so deeply.

Hi there, darling.
Haven't seen you in years.
Each of us have been searching for something
or someone.
I can tell we've found people,
and that they all left.
We've grown and we've changed
and you don't recognize me anymore.
But it's alright, I've moved on.
I guess we were too young for each other
and maybe
a bit too different.
Perhaps one day we'll meet on the bus
and our earphones will tangle up
and our music will merge together
and we'll find sparks of memories
in each other's eyes.
And perhaps my words with your guitar
will make a song of our own.
If not, I've got your smile pierced in my heart.
It shall stay there for long,
I promise.

You lie on this bed with no sheets, only ghosts
you touch your lips in movement,
you deliver words of an author unashamed of his own limitations.
You seek to erase what has been:
out of context – unimportant,
inside this body -- crucial.
Without hesitation, you let your words slip
and your crimes spill
and you still haven't left this bed.

The third re-enactment is a joke;
the lines you rehearse haven’t been yours in so long.

There are feelings left inside of my chest,
just waiting to be stirred up,
to heat up,
to erupt.
But I’ve learnt to bite my tongue
and tighten my fists
and close my eyes until it passes.
Because it’s temporary,
it’s always temporary,
just like everything we ever had
and I don’t hold on to the temporary anymore.
I breathe in and I breathe you out,
day by day.
My throat might clench
from every word I’ve left unspoken,
but it’s time to swallow the bitterness
and let it be forgotten.
I am not to be devoured by it,
I am not to be haunted,
I am not to be knelt down by a memory
that has always been blurry.
Even when you were right in front of me,
I could never see your edges,
as if my brain had decided right from the beginning
not to remember you.
Remember me not.
Remember me not.
Remember me not.

Hello, restless stranger.
May I tell you
you're a work of art?
I've never seen anything like it.
Your movements, your body,
they feel unreal,
synchronized with a beat
that my heart's too untrained to sense.
But your mind's the masterpiece:
all sparks and music and space dust,
with a touch of darkness,
with a touch of sorrow.
I've been watching you, stranger.
I can't help but do it.
You light up my imagination
and you're wonder to my eyes
and I must confess,
I'm fascinated and completely mesmerized.
I know you're not for me, stranger,
and I promise not to tell,
but I'd keep you on repeat forever,
were you to be mine.

Coming down to earth was never an option,
when stars are winking,
urging me to them.
Don't worry,
I shan't ever look down in longing,
for I have only just taken off.
Now the time must surely be
for rising.

Sure,leave,
there's nothing left to do.
All words have been shouted,
all hope has been lost,
all tears have been cried.
Take your roses and burn them.
They don't keep me warm anymore.

Have I been staring into the void for so long
that I started to think I wasn’t alone?
Had I known there was no way to enter,
I would’ve never knocked at this kingdom’s door.
I thought the moon was waiting for me on the other side
and I could fall in her arms,
relieved to have come back home,
after experiencing humanity
without my consent.
I never meant to fall,
I never meant to live as anything else
but a whisper of light in the darkness,
and yet…

The gods like sacrifices and so that’s what I  became.

I seek you on lazy mornings,

With eyes half closed,

Half browsing the room

For you.

I see the waves of the restless sea

And I see your moves

At times when you were mine-

Never still, never quiet,

Never taking the time to appreciate

What you had.

I wish I were a seagull

Always flying above your foam

Admiring every inch of you.

Instead,

I am the shore,

Constantly waiting

For you to come back.

And sometimes,
you find yourself devoid of all covers
and make-pretends,
and you finally see yourself,
as you are.
And it's beautiful
how peaceful you can become,
when you let go of the characters
you're trying to play.
And you let yourself speak,
and you let yourself revel in silence
and treasure it.
And you find your sea of tranquility.
And you dive in.

I thought I saw you today,
Between wild waves of the sea.
I recognized your movements:
Untamed
Dangerous
But oh so attractive
Oh so very tempting.
The sea breeze touched my face,
Just like your kisses.
I never realized how cold they were,
Until you took the sun off my sky.
You were like grains of sand
Still found on your skin
Weeks after leaving the beach.
Needless to say,
I might never get away from you.

I am nothing but a spring flower,
waiting to rise from the once frozen ground
and claim her return.
I am nothing but the summer air,
with a tint of hope,
with a tint of freedom.
I am nothing but an autumn leaf,
counting down to the day
I let myself fall.
I am nothing but winter frost-
enchantingly
mesmerizingly
born from the cold.

The moon can’t cure my illness
if I abduct all of her stars.

I fill my veins up with light
only to control the despair,
but I am left with a vacant sky.

Minutes tremble before me,
seconds fall at my feet;
I have no time left.

The delight of reaching rock bottom
without the impact.
Let me rest.

Fill me up to the brink with hope
and leave me for dead.
Leave me in secret.

I'd been waiting for you
on purposeless summer days,
when warmth would kidnap
my breath and my will.
I wished for rain to clean my soul
of unwanted excuses,
of unpleasant nights
when unforgiving thoughts took over.
I want your colours to overwhelm
my grey lens,
and your taste of death
to remind me that I'm living.
With you, I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff,
lip biting my courage
into daring to take the plunge.
Oh, my-
I might be flying.

Shivers on skin-
I walked among stars,
held them in my arms
and embraced them tight,
as I felt how my veins filled up with light.
I, too, wanted to be a fallen one,
to look for a place
where I could hope
and I could sigh,
without the pressure of having to shine.
But it failed to be found;
I turned back to the sky.

I wonder-
have you come to understand
why the world is silent at night
and what it means to be listening
to the darkness of the sky,
to be hoping a star might whisper to you
the secret
of how to keep waiting
of how to keep breathing
of how not to feel so alone anymore?

“We fall in deep and never let go,
Pretending we’re supposed to be together,
Though i can clearly see
Your flesh falling apart,
And your veins pulsing their way out,
And your white skin
Turning gray.
Our love is molding,
And it’s spreading to our hearts,
But we keep saying it’s an illusion.
Illusions hurt, darling,
When they smother you at night,
And our necks are bruised,
And our lungs are sore.”

Steal me away;
make me forget I ever lost my place
and wandered about these lands,
wandered about the forbidden and the outcast.
The ground bellowed for a bit of me,
for a fistful of feathers
and a pinch of flesh.
Home never tasted like honey,
there was never a way back.

Here your life begins.
Here you find yourself drenched in solitude
that burns like gasoline every night.

This is your way of becoming one with the moon.

I built sand castles,
hoping to impress a boy
who watched the stars as a hobby.
I brought him roses,
while he was dreaming of other worlds
and I held him tight,
when his eyes were set on the sky.
I was an earthling
who tried to love him
with my flesh and my bones
and my feeble mind,
binding him to the ground like roots.
But he kept looking up.
He wished for a star,
he wished for the light that
my flawed insides couldn't bring.
So I ripped out all his chains.

Sometimes, I hear him at night,
his whispers echoing into the sky.
But my curtains are drawn.

I was banished from that kingdom
long ago.

I'd rip out all the stars in the sky
and leave it bare,
just to write you the poem you deserve,
with their everlasting glow and my benighted hands.
Because the darkness
had never been banished so swiftly,
as when I saw you
and you saw me.
Please keep a song of me in your heart,
as I'll keep your smile and this moment,
as I'll think about it too often,
too long.

And wouldn't it be divine,
if we found each other
on a starless night?

I plunged into the abyss,
knowing full well I could never see
my dear, dear sky ever again.
But sometime during the fall,
I saw light;
and it was coming from me.
Perhaps,
that's how stars are born.

Steal me away;
Make me forget I ever lost my place
And wandered about these lands
Wandered about the forbidden and the outcast;
The ground bellowed for a bit of me
For a fistful of feathers
And a pinch of flesh.
Home never tasted like honey,
there was never a way back.

Here your life begins.
Here you find yourself drenched in solitude
That burns like gasoline every night.

This is your way of becoming one with the moon.

Shivers on skin— I walked among stars;
I walked on broken edges
I walked on broken light.

The sound of space is the mourning of a mother,
a lullaby of the past,
of all the pain it takes to become
on someone else’s demand,
and all the time it takes to disappear
by your own accord.

The night smells of burnt ash;
there are no falling wishes here,
only wicked angels.

Come, let us sleep.
It does not do to step on the dead.

hope is but a cruel creature
biting at your insides,
while claiming to be keeping you alive.
love is but a nail,
driven into your chest so deeply and so brutally,
you can’t ever get it out.
acceptance is but a cage,
keeping you locked from your desires
because they have wings,
and you can’t stretch your arms that far
through the bars.
but sweetheart, I reach out anyway,
and I hope,
and I love,
until my insides are nothing
but blood stained metal,
straining to survive.

Do angels taste regret?
It seems unnatural
To count the feathers that remain,
When all the rest have turned to ash.
Reclaim your wings,
Even if broken,
Even if unholy,
Even if they cut into your ribs
when you try to sleep.

The sky never swore to protect;
It only promised to allow the fall.

You speak of things that cannot be seen and your lungs fill  up with smoke.
It's been a while since I could see your face,
through all the thoughts and the words
that float around,
making a cloud
meant to scare people away.
I'm not scared. I can hear your voice.
I can see your light and the sparks you make
by trying to set yourself on fire, but don't you know
fire never killed the sun
and the night never gets lost in darkness.
In a room with no soul, the voices come and play
in echoes and in whispers,
and then you start to speak aswell.

Need I terrify?
Need my eyes hold ancient rage
When my bones have grown so fragile?

I listen to the old song of my celestial origins;
the moon is mourning
Another year of lost children.

What does god know about being a human?
When dirt calls for me
I’ll tell him what it’s like to love your creations.

Where can I hide?
I’ve lost track of everywhere I’ve been found.

Never to disappear.

It’s alright,
It doesn’t have to be forever;
Does it?

Do you ever watch the stars and think of the ones that have fallen?
I do.
I think so much at night it hurts.

Foolishly thinking distance has any power.
It doesn’t.
Look at the sky- I feel it so close.

If ever the moon reaches you quietly, shyly,
With a light so soft it could only be my own-
Know I have sent her.

Without any words, I’ll learn to let go
In my own time;
Or maybe not at all.

Tonight should be made holy,
it should be painted with lights
and up there, in heaven,
together with them
should your luminous face reside.
Tonight should be kept safe
between your eyelashes
and heavy sighs,
it should be sung by crickets and waters,
it should be waltzed by us-
too in love to hide.
But should the sky not want to hold it,
should your eyes repel it with their tears
tonight should be forever forgotten
and we should sleep,
for it was only just a dream.

For once you were touched
like you deserved to be,
by sparkling gold,
by soft star dust
that caressed you in your sleep.
After all that darkness
you could’ve never seen the menace of light,
you only wanted to escape a fate
that did you no justice.

I wash the sand off my skin,
Attempting a transformation-
From lover to myself,
From past to myth.
Catching your own mind in betrayal
Is to be forgiven-
You are only your own now,
You have only your own duality,
Your own unsolvable self.

Try to see-- the end is not what you imagined;
Try to understand-- immortality is never a blessing,
and the love you seek is not yet born.

My claws are stuck into the door
-vicious creature with lust only for the ones that have left,
careless girl carelessly intoning her hymn,
word by word, undoing by undoing-

I hold an abyss in my chest,
I hold the exile I accept,
You hold my last asthmatic breath:
it breaks your lungs and blocks your throat.

In the end you beg,
in the end you receive.

Convince me of the purpose of breathing,
confide to me the reasons for letting go.

I must seek forgiveness elsewhere,
or so this ceiling speaks,
as I spoke to it several nights ago,
clearly and immensely,
ready to choke on my own self-importance.
As I deny this memory,
my memory denies me the sweetness of yesterday
or of a decade ago.

In a different country, I look up at the same ceiling,
consistently,
unforgivingly.

​Roses and ashes- a world is awaiting.
a mistake and you fall,
but you won’t be regretting
all the screams and the cries,
the unholy you’re creating.
Rome is falling
or burning-
there’s no difference in unmaking.