I wake up in an unknown room
With needles sticking out of both my hands and one in my arm
There is a tube down my throat and i cant figure out why im still breathing
I look around with blurry eyes
And here the beeps with foggy ears
I look up to see clear bags on poles connected to the needles
I feel like i can hear the slow drip drip drip of the liquid flowing through those tubes
I know it is impossible but i could feel those drips
They were like tiny earth quakes in my hands
That shook me to my coar
A smiling blonde nurse walks in and takes the tube out of my throat
Her name is McKenzie
McKenzie tells me how I was life flighted to spokane
How i have been in a coma for 4 days
How my heart rate was above 170
How my dog found me
laying on the concrete floor covered in my own ****
But all i can hear is the incessant beeping of machines
All i can hear is the sound of my own failure
I took so many pills i lost track after 150
I could still feel the steel knife against my skin
I was so careful
So sure
Well
They always say third times the charm.

I have lived in a world filled with peace and calm but the moment you walked through the door it was pure, beautiful, chaos.

his lips caress my collar bone
as his hands begin to roam
the sounds of shaking breath
skin against skin
and moaning voices
echos into the stars
inviting pleasure in
his finger tips gripping my hips
are all thats keeping me from floating into space
rough words whispered in sweet tones
are all that are convincing me this is reality
the bruises he leaves behind after he's done
just remind me of what once was
and once they disappear again
i go crawling back for more

Stop
Stop it
Stop touching me
Stop talking to me
Stop breathing near me
Just stop
Every brush of your hand
Makes me feel as if there are ants under my skin trying to come out of my finger tips
Every sound you make
Feels like a million birds are screeching in terror
Every breath you take
Is one less time my heart beats
I shake at the mere mention of your name
My body aches from old wounds when i scroll past your picture
My heart races in fear when i see you glance from across the room
I can no longer take this
I can no longer breath
So might as well stop my heart from beating

People close enough to feel their breath
Liars and cheaters too close to my skin
Everyone wanting to touch and grab
And even those who don't
Stand much to close
Everyone tearing apart my paper flesh
And lapping up my wine colored blood

Slender fingers light cigarettes
Held by lips
That time forgets
Smoke fogs a mind
Consigned to oblivion
Tear stained cheeks hold the signs
Of a smile that has run out
of story lines
A cramped box holds a brain
Covered in blood stains
Thin arms wrapped around a body
That has been forsaken
Legs swinging off the edge of the Hollywood sign
A swan dive downward
Doesn't attract a single eye
But for a moment
I believe i can fly

One love
One God
One life
One world
These mortal born limitations are the only thing that stands between us and infinity
An infinite amount of possibility limited only by our mind
We are told there is only one way but i promise there are always more
We are infinite in a finite amount of time
Endless directions punctuated by the limitations of the human mind
We will never reach infinity because we still cannot grasp eternity

All the beauty in the world
Is nothing compared to *you

The sickeningly sweet voice of oblivion calls me, promising beautiful things.
How I yearn to fall, drifting forever in between dreams
to be able to shed the weight on my shoulders and replace it with swirling darkness.
Oblivion beckons me further and further into the blissful silence.
I know if I follow to the end of this tunnel
I will never return but the thought makes me smile.
The pain and regret washes away as
I fall into complete darkness.
Oh how sweet oblivion tastes.

I cannot tell real life from illusion
I have suffered a contusion not of the body but of the mind
I can no longer put my worries to rest for they have insomnia
I see monsters not only in nightmares but walking behind me down the street
I hear the voices calling me even when im in an empty room
I smell blood even though there is no wound
I can no longer keep the peace, there is a rebelion in my head
I can no longer take solace in my own bed
I am drowning in a sea of fear and sheer terror
I can no longer hold onto this ledge
I will fall right off the edge of reality
Right into the bed of **insanity

If there is a heaven it is not a place I wish to be.
A place where an unjust God sits on a throne carved from the struggles of their creatures.
Where she\he says to love them above all else but punishes the one who truley does.
Where murderers, rapists, and abusers live in paradise while peace keepers are thrown into purgatory and suffering.
Where people beat the others who think differently even when their God's word says to
'love thy neighbor'
So if there is a heaven, I would gladly fall to hell

My lungs are lead weights in my chest, pressing against my rib cage and bearing down on my intestines.
I try to inhale but the metal that is my lungs will not ply.
My mouth is stuck in a wide O as i continue to wheeze.
I reach out to your hand for help but you just sneer and pull away.
My lead lungs pull the oxygen from my system, keeping the necessary gases from entering, and you laugh.
You laugh as my whole life is taken away, endless possibilities all ended by the one impossible thing i wanted!
You.
You are what stole the air from my lungs, oh how exciting it was until i realized i could no longer take it back.
What you hold in your hands is not yours to have it is mine.
It is the air from my lung, every beat my heart skipped, every thought i have had since you showed up.
But now with this burning in my chest, my heart trying desperately to keep on pumping, i look into your eyes as you throw it all away , disappearing like dust in the wind.
Then you are gone.
Just as quickly as you came you leave.
The lead in my chest begins to drip through my bones, burning and clawing its way up my throat, and out my mouth and eyes.
My heart beats weakly in my chest as if it had gotten used to your vice like grip.
My eyes drip and my lungs burn and now all im left with
**is lead

I am alone. I am alone in an ever deepening hole. The pin ***** of light at the top has become to far away for me to see. This hole is empty. Void of anything to distract me from it's darkness. It swallows me whole, with no forgiveness it's teeth clamp down on my body. I feel no pain any more. I have been here too long. The voices leading me out have long since disappeared. 
The red of my blood against my skin has become dull. A grey liquid bleeding out of grey veins onto grey skin. Slowly I am fading out of existence. And I will fade alone.

This place,
It echoes with sounds.
From the past present and future.
It gives me an option.
Of which to respond to.
Will I keep screaming back at the past?
Or whisper towards the future?
Why not just sit and listen to the sounds of now
Instead of worrying about the sounds that might come,
Or regretting the ones that have already left.
I will love the sounds that are bouncing off the walls of now.

The bees in my brain begin to crawl out of my eyes, nose, and mouth.
There are ants under my fingernails and biting at my arms,
the caterpillars in my throat bloom into butterflies eating their way out of my stomach.
A snake coils around my lungs and squeezes as hard as it can.
The earth quake that makes my knees shake has broken my legs. Unable to stand i fall and i shatter.
I am made of glass and have broken under the crushing weight on my shoulders.
The bugs run free from my body and for a moment, I am at peace.