My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

what is PTSD they ask

it’s not knowing which
way is right or left
it’s not knowing how
to maneuver your own mood swings
it’s trying to find your way
through a dark maze during the night
with not an ounce of light to guide you

it’s suicidal tendencies
it’s never thinking you’re enough
it’s thinking you’re *****
it’s thinking you’re useless
it’s thinking you’re used
its thinking you’re undeserving

it’s icing people out at the second
you start to feel emotion
it’s numbing yourself to the world
it’s laying in bed
it’s not being able
to move your body
for days on end
because the pain
strikes to the bone
it’s aches

its going a year out of treatment
and you were strong
until the anniversary month roles around
and suddenly you are a glass house
with stones being pelted to the core

it’s lost years
years of life I may
never fully remember

it’s nightmares
the gut wrenching ones
that night replaying
over and over and over

but most of all

it’s guilt
for not being able
to save my 7 year old self

i will never
forget looking out
that second story window

hearing the
pool filter
in the background
mixed with heavy breathing

the cheetah print
sheets that cut
my skin open

the smell of marlboro golds
and sweat
with a hint of hopeful regret
filled that entire bedroom
that summer day

but most of all

it was that feeling
that i would rather risk
breaking both legs
jumping from the window

than deal with this pain

ever

            a g a i n

that moment
when the worry
begins to seep into
my veins

that moment
when the pain
begins to play
tricks within
my brain

i feel my collarbones
and know i'll be

o k a y

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

i waited for you
to swallow your pride
but all you did
was choke on it

at the age of 8
i was diagnosed
with celiac disease
gluten left holes within
my stomach
ulcers grew on the walls
and wreaked havoc
within my body

now at the age of 21
i consume gluten
without a second thought
leaving the pains within
feeling like death

it is kind of funny
in a way
as i am getting older
i am realizing

i've been eating gluten
these past few years
as a way of killing myself
as a way of letting all
of the darkness win

as a way of letting
myself feel pain
if not emotionally
than physically

my own parents
did not realize
for years
and years
the abuse
and
the torture
i went through
every time i walked a
few steps outside my house
greeting my neighbor

i remember the door locking
i remember them turning around afterwards
and smiling at me
"what do we have here"
he would say

i remember shaking
i remember wanting to run
i remember thinking
of jumping out the window
because that was the only escape
my seven year old self could think of
then everything goes black
and suddenly
i remember nothing

fast forward a few years
i am having *** with a boy from my school
knowing this means nothing
feeling nothing
my body has turned cold
my body has shed its weight in worry
my body just skin and bones

my mother never
told my father he claims now
my parents
they both knew
how could they not
how could they not
how could they not
how could they
not see the lifeless 7 year old
who returned home that day

how could they let me into that house

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

what I would give
to go back
and restart

every second
of my life

to restart
every feeling
every emotion

i need it all
to stop

please



just stop

they ask why
i can’t communicate
they ask why
i can’t speak how i feel
they ask why
i can’t express myself

at the age of 7
my voice box
stopped working
for 3 years
of my life

my voice box
covered and choked
by
your hands
and
your threats

the fear
distilled in my brain
soaking through my skin
running through my veins

vulnerability
makes me petrified
vulnerability
leaks like blood
from my wrists

i am scared
of communicating

i don’t want to hurt anymore
i am trapped

h e l p

the last time i had felt safe
was the day before
it all happened the day before
my childhood and innocence
was taken from me without my consent

growing up i never really felt safe
not even when my parents told me
they would protect me from the monsters
because well
they never really did
because they didn't see the monster right next door

then i met you
and not in some cheesy lame way
but

i had a nightmare of that monster
as i lay in your bed with you
trembling, crying, begging
in my sleep
to have it all back
to have my careless childhood back

you awoke me
with your arms
wrapped around me
rubbing my head
reassuring me i was okay

and for the first time
since the age of seven
did i actually feel

s a f e

i have thrown myself
at so many men
in hopes that
i could just forget
everything about you

forget your beautiful bright blue eyes
those eyes that lit up
the rooms you walked into
forget your touch
that soft welcoming touch

i wish i could forget
i ever had you
so i could forget
i ever lost you

the cage of
my own making
made up of bones
and my own self hatred
has combusted at
the first touch of
self love

my bones dissolved
as the love poured
over them
the self hatred oozed
from the cracks
and escaped my body
never to be seen again

for the first time in years
peace flooded my brain
finally all that was left

was
just
m e

How am I to teach myself
that rage is not love
that abuse is not love
that hurt is not love
that forcefulness is not love
when that is all i have ever known

when you are gentle
you do not speak in anger
you never raise your voice
you always smile
you always make me laugh
only kindness ever leaves your mouth


i feel like a child again when i am with you
before all the badness took over my life

i am hard
rough around the edges

but you
oh my you

you are so soft
your edges aren't even edges at all
they're soft landings

like the way a dandelion falls
onto the grass so gracefully
in the middle of spring

you are my hope again

you are my new beginning

if you take advantage
of someone's weaknesses

that is
n o t
love

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it cleanse my soul
of all the darkness
of all the pain

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will i be happier
will it fix the cracks within soul
and mend it all together

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it erase the bruises you left on my body
will it erase the emotional ones too

i am locked within a cage
of my own making
my hands and feet are ******
from trying to climb these walls
made of my own bones and hatred

i am screaming please don't leave
but by the time the words
make their way up to my mouth
from this prison
only the word
leave
escapes my mouth

October tastes of deception
filled with empty hearts
and empty souls
looking for a place to call home

October tastes like a man
who is all bark
and absolutely no bite
trying to impress but doing less

October tastes like lies
fed from your mouth
tongues burning on my skin
leaving marks within the dark

October tastes like
everything you truly are
and nothing you think
you are from within

let the pain from my past
be the ink that bleads from my body
onto paper

turning pain into power
turning feelings into words

in college i was asked
if i could compare myself to anything
but a human
what would i be

most of the class
said a tree
the ocean
a flower
the wind
but not me

i am an onion
hardened on the outside
but as you take your finger
and peel
and peel
and peel

you find that
the layers of my life
have left you in tears
happy
or sad

that choice is up to you

in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body

i hope one day
if not soon
you see that
her and i
do not have the same
hair color
skin color
eye color

my name is mine
and hers is hers
we are different sizes
we have different voices
my history is more than a few
textbooks you receive throughout high school
where hers is just a chapter

she is easy you see
and me
well i am complicated
i am the destruction left in the wake
of when a hurricane and tsunami meet

please stay
even though i am rough
but know
i am not her
i am me

whenever im sad
i look back on that video
of the two of us drunk
dancing, laughing, singing
at the bar
that night we felt as if
we were the only two there

when i get sad
i think of that time
after the bar
where we went up to your room
and you played your acoustic guitar
and sang a new song
you were working on
i was the only fan in the room that night
and my smile was bigger than it could have ever been

when i get sad
i think of those mornings
where you held me close
where i could hear our heartbeats
beat to a rhythm of a song so intertwined

when you get sad
do you even think of me?

i finally have everything
i have ever wanted
in a human

yet it does not feel enough

he is kind
he is caring
he is artistic
he is hard working
he puts in so much effort for me

yet he is not you
he will never be you
i know that
i understand that

but ****
this is so hard

i am petrified
i will never feel
the way you made me feel

some days
i miss the psych ward
being away
from society
left with only
my demons

not being able
to be hurt by
anyone there

i wish
i could find
that comfortability
out in the real world
instead of hiding away
in these locked away rooms

you have showered my soul
with light
with love
with softness
with ease

always asking permission
always seeking to
make me laugh
to smile

and you do it every time
every **** time

you sit there knowing
i could have
thrown myself at any man
in the room
yet before i get a chance
you stop me

you stopped my numbness
this numbness i have had for years
thank you for making me feel
for showing me i am worth it
for showing me i can be soft
for showing me light
for showing me genuine true laughter

at 26 years of age
i am just now
discovering who i am

i spent 19 years of my life
hidden in the darkest
parts of my own mind

numb to everything
numb to everyone

at 26 years of life
i can sit at the table
not wanting to starve myself
for weeks on end

at 26 years of life
i finally like who is looking
back at me in the mirror

i can finally s m i l e

there was a time
in my life
where i would go
to these populated bars
where it was packed
like a can of sardines
looking for someone
to numb the pain

only
when you enter
these bars and clubs
do you realize how
empty it actually is

how empty these souls are
how everyone here
is numbing something
running from something

a few hundred people
in a bar and
all i feel is lonelier than ever
i see through the *****

we're all lonely here

i sit on the beach
as the rain comes down
from the sky onto my skin
hoping
praying
for it to wash away
all this sadness
from within

i thought I could
sink myself
in fake emotion
that it would
drown everything out

i thought maybe
enough fake words
to the world
would make me
forget all the numbness
life has offered me

i never realized
til now
at 25

i am drowning

within silence
within myself
within the pain of my past

i am d r o w n i n g

you are not who
everybody wants you to be

you are you
and that is far
more than enough

i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with coconut oil
in hopes that it might
one day soften my sharp edges
and fill these empty voids
with meaning

i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with cement
in hopes that it might
one day make me stronger
so no one could ever hurt me

it wasn't until
the coconut oil seeped
to the ground and
the cement crumbled
within the first earthquake of emotions
did i realize

these cracks within my soul
that i have spent years
of my life trying to cover up
make me who i am today

and that is enough

one of my earliest memories
is the day my grandmother
taught me how to float in the pool
it took me a few tries
before she let go of my body
above the water

she let me go
all on my own
without me even realizing

i remember looking over at her
and seeing her
great big smile
she then said to me

my girl
this is a life lesson
never believe that you need
to hold onto someone
to get things done
know that all you have is yourself
and know you are strong enough
to hold yourself up all on your own

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet all the arguments in our house
were always in our yellow kitchen

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet the bruises from the marks you left on my body
would turn yellow after a few days
and i could not bare the touch of anything
on them for weeks

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet the first time you ever ravished me in pain
the sun was setting across the deep blue ocean
after a dark storm had passed
and the whole sky turned yellow

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet when i now think of pain the first thing
that comes to mind is not you,
it is your favorite color that does,
yellow


                                             e.s.

nine months ago
you broke my heart
shattered it into pieces

the can't eat
the can't sleep
the can't think

the gut wrenching
stomach churning
kind of broken heart

i had promised myself
after a week
of the nausea
that i would never
feel this way again

i would laugh again
i would be confident again
i would get my eating disorder in control again
i would learn who i am again
without you mixed into my personality

but most importantly
i would enjoy my life again

thank you
for breaking my heart
nine months ago

i finally like who i am because of this

everyone tells me
to trust you
to communicate how i feel
to not let these other women ruin this
to not let me ruin this

but

how am i suppose to do that
when i haven’t trusted a single soul
since the age of 7

how am i suppose to when
the last time i trusted someone
they violated everything about me
and took every ounce of my innocence

how am i suppose to do this now?
i’m lost

they say love
is the outpouring
of everything
good within you

they say love
is the respect
of self value
always soft and kind

they say love
can bring out
the wisdom
of emotional maturity

they say love
is the recognition
of another soul
so valuable so true

why does love scare me so much?

i walk into the hospital
all i see is a mixture of white shapes
all i smell is the death of happiness
i check myself in because suddenly
all of the pain i carry is too much to bare
they rush me inside the room
they are looking for the key now
to unlock the beast

i tell them no
keep the beast hidden
i buried him long ago for a reason
i locked him away so
he'd never see the light of day

they tell me the longer
he is locked away
the longer he will
keep trying to barge through
the longer my world
will continue to crumble

after days and days
of the same ****
they finally convince me
to release the beast
to set him free
to watch as he
takes advantage
of every soul in the room
as he consumes purity
within everything and anything

suddenly
everything goes black

due to the terror in my eyes
due to the terror in my mind
due to the memories that are finally free

i am lost
i am alone
i feel like im drowning
in a sea of emotions
yet i feel nothing

i watch as everyone around me
moves and bustles through life
while i stand here
time frozen
in this cold darkness

im trying to swim to the surface
every time i get close
i get dragged under
more
and more

im running out
of breathe now
i can feel my heart
beating fast
the pressure on my chest
is too much to bare


suddenly,
everything goes black

how the ****
am I suppose to
have self esteem
when
my fathers best friend
took every ounce of it

how the ****
am I suppose to
trust someone
when
my own parents
sent me into that house

how the ****
am I suppose to
not be fuucked up
from this?

I feel empty
I feel sad
I am sorry

laying in your bed
talking about my past
you unwrap my wounds

so easily
so gracefully

thank you

they say when you meet your soul mate
you will know instantly
but how do we decipher in that very moment
the difference between love and lust

in those few seconds our eyes meet
how are we suppose to know
if this is a devil in disguise

they call it PTSD
but i call it
my own personal hell

playing
over
and
over

how do i feel they ask
9 months out of treatment
and how am i suppose
to say how i actually feel

when the light
in my mother eyes
is the brightest they’ve been
since before any of this
struck my soul to the core
15 years ago

when the words
my siblings speak
are like walking on
broken glass whenever
i am around
because i know they’re scared
any little thing will
set me off

when the volume
of my dads voice
has been the softest
it’s been since
before my ****** up
memory can remember

i just want to be free
i just want to be treated normal again
i just want everyone to know that
i’m hurting but it will not be the end of the world