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Her Aug 1
how the ****
am I suppose to
have self esteem
when
my fathers best friend
took every ounce of it

how the ****
am I suppose to
trust someone
when
my own parents
sent me into that house

how the ****
am I suppose to
not be fuucked up
from this?

I feel empty
I feel sad
I am sorry
Her Jun 11
i wonder what heavens like
is my grandma there?
is both my grandpas there?
is cassy, lilly, and stella there?
are my friends there?

is it quiet at night there?
is it peaceful like the morning sun
rising over the ocean so calmy?
is there thunderstorms that put you to sleep?
is there no pain there?
do you laugh so hard your stomach aches there?

why does it sound nicer
to be there
than
it does to be here
within all of this ******* chaos
within all of this ******* pain
why am i here and not there?
Her Jun 11
i have never hated
addiction more than
i do right in this very moment

i am confused
i am crying
underneath that all
i can hear you
in the back of my mind
telling me not to cry
and making me laugh

i am angry
i am hurt
why did you have to leave
why did you have to go

please
please
come back
Her Jun 11
i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l
Her May 4
the day we are born
we put love in a box
a shiny bright perfect box
one that is untouched
by pain and deception

as time goes on
the box becomes
thrown on the ground
set on fire
dropped deep into
the depths of despair
locked away for years
hidden in the dark

for no one to find or touch
this box goes through hell
burnt, cracks all across the sides
it has been kicked, it has been smashed

but eventually we
find that one soul
the key to open
what the others try to find
it opens after a few tries
of turning the key
left then right
then left one more time

we put love in a box
to be found
to be earned
to be given
to be loved
we put love in a box
Her May 4
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
Her May 4
i never really
believed in love
if we are being honest here
i only believed in two souls
connecting on this earth
to a certain point

but never true love
heart warming love
soft tender love

not until
you

you sat there with me
the first few months
of meeting
you sat on the side
of the road at 3 am
and hugged me

you told me
that no matter what
happened in this life
everything will be okay

call me stupid
but i realized the next morning
that is all i have ever wanted to hear
since i was 7 years old

that everything
was going to be okay

who would have thought
those 6 words would be
the key to open my      
                                         h e a r t
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