a week into speaking
you told me you hated
the grey area

that i needed to figure out
what it was that i did want
what it was that i did not want

i only wanted the physical aspect
i only wanted the easiness
i only wanted nobody too close

i did not want a connection
i did not want to be sitting here craving your touch
i did not want someone to understand me

yet somehow  
you slipped right through my cracks

i wonder if you realize
how scary that night was for me
your arms wrapped around me

i do not think i could ever forget
you asking if i was okay
because you could feel my heart
pounding against my chest

all because i was laying next to someone
all because i was laying next to you

you see

i never really slept next to anyone
i never really slept next to someone who i trusted
i never really slept next to someone i felt comfortable with

i never let anyone too close
to me physically
i never let anyone too close
to me emotionally

you broke me down
piece by piece
you called me out

you stood here
in my hurricane
in my tornado
in my tsunami

and waited
so patiently

maybe i do like desserts afterall

if i am being honest
i have found solace
in a place that is so dark
in a place that is so overcast

your soul enlightens
my dark grim childhood
your bright blue Greek eyes
guide me on this path called life
your hands hold mine in stability
as i shake of uncertainty

i am scared

i have never been
great at my emotions
but with you

i just know what to say
i just know how i feel
i just know you are familiar
i just know i am safe

  - thank you M

do i love London
so much due to
nobody knowing
what has happened
to me here

where i can
act like i had
the perfect upbringing
where i can
pretend to not
know pain and suffering

or maybe

i love London
so much
because you have
shown me a new
way to look
at life and our trajedies

to not be ashamed
of them
to feel everything
as it comes

to relinquish control

since i was 7 years old
i have created
so many parts of
myself to survive
to keep myself safe

i am like a chameleon
thrown into new
places and i will
change my spots
to figure everyone out

but maybe now

i am discovering
who Erin really is
before the darkness
crept upon her
and tried swallowing her whole

to be quite frank
i am proud of her
i like her
she is soft
she is resilient
she is me

i have lost
count of the
knives in my throat

choking on
every word
as i try
to explain
how i feel

i swear

i was better
at this before

i think i dissociate
most of my life
ever since i was 7
if i cannot feel anything
how can it hurt me

but

what if i want to
feel everything again
how do i get that back
i am

lost