love does not hurt
love does not paint your body
into a mural of blues and purple
love does not raise his hands in anger
love does not use your weakness against you
love does not scare you into making choices
love does not isolate you from your
friends and family members
love is not you, John

men have chased me
trying to get a touch
of my body and soul
for the last decade

they are storm chasers
trying to get a glimpse
of the wake of destruction
trying to feel something

yet all i ever do
is leave them before
they can even see me
all that is left for them

is
destruction

after you ripped my heart
straight out of my chest
i swore that day
that i would
never
ever
care about someone
the way i did for you

i promised myself
i would never
trust a man
the way i did for you

but then he came
into my life
so unexpected
so gracefully
so delicately

now here i am
almost a year later
trying to fight that
promise i made to myself

a g a i n

my friends and i
we go to scary farms
my friends and i
we go to haunted houses
my friends scream in terror
at the ghosts and ghouls

while i stand there
with no expression
they ask me why
i am not scared

how do i tell them
there is nothing scarier in this world

than losing your own m i n d

what am i doing wrong
to have lost
who i thought was the
love of my life

if you are not
the love of my life
like i thought you were
how could i trust myself with anything?

i have learned nothing is set in stone
a person can wake up one day
and not love you anymore
hell
they may not have even loved
you at all

and now i am
rambling my feelings
because i am so
******* lost

you broke me
into a million little fragments
and im trying to glue myself back together
but each time i do
a gust of emotions
hits me like the wind
and sends the pieces
to the ground again

and i start over
every ******* time

im lost
and you broke me

i feel pain
i feel hurt
i feel ******* betrayed

i feel like i wanna run away
i feel like i wanna shut off
i feel like i wanna forget everyone

i feel hollow
i feel numb

but

i feel fine

how the ****
am i suppose to describe
the hands around my neck
and the anger in bones

how the ****
am i suppose to communicate
and express all the words
i’ve dreamed of saying

but can’t

because there’s a rock
of stone stuck
in between my esophagus
a rock of stone
that has seeped into my heart
and turned it solid

unable to yell
unable to scream
unable to cry
unable to breathe

So many people these days
continue life in the gray area

we are too afraid
to use the voice we were born with
the voice that we have every right to
we are too afraid
to feel the emotions we were born with
the emotions that we have every right to

we sit in this gray area
and waste life away
watching life pass us by
as we become soulless corpses
too afraid to move or speak

but

why are we afraid
of using the two things
we were naturally born with
why are we afraid
to speak up
to feel emotions

use your voice
feel your emotions

tell your friend they hurt you
tell that boy or girl how you feel
tell that person you don't like that

as a human being on this earth
you are given every right
to your voice
and
your emotions

use them

his skin like the pale
white hospital room walls
my soul like the
patient they're dying to save

i caught my father
cheating on my mother
the woman who picked
him up time and time again
the woman who raised
his three children
the woman who nursed
his open wounds

how am i suppose to forgive
or trust this man

when i am his blood
when i am his eyes
when i am his nose

i hate this body
get me the **** out

the fear of emotion
got me here
walls white
like the movies
no sane soul in sight

the fear of emotion
got me here
my soul has
turned to stone
nothing hurts
me anymore

the fear of emotion
got me here
lifeless rotting away
at the core

i am ready for it all
to be over now

life without emotion
is not a life worth living

i wish i could
make these thoughts stop
i wish i could
feel something again

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the slightest bit
of vulnerability

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the recurring nightmares
that haunt my brain

the nightmares
the flashbacks
it all hurts

how do i make it stop

i wish vampires were real
so they could ****
every last ounce of your love
from my body and soul

i will never forget that day
walking away from one another
on the corner of the street

struggling to catch my breath
struggling to even breathe
struggling to catch my words

i begged you
for months
and months
days upon days

to get your **** together
to give up drinking
to give up all the women
to give up all the rumors
to give up this small city
to give up this lifestyle

but
you could not
you chose not

you hurt me so bad
i started to write again
because it was the only thing
you left me with

they tell me
i am so good
with words
that they melt
right onto the page
from my mouth

yet why is it

every time i
open my mouth
i never know the
right thing to say
or the right things to feel

i am trying to guess
what everyone
wants to hear
to give them
what they want

yet i never seem
to be successful enough
at that

only with a pen and paper
am i enough
because i am just me
not what everyone
wants me to be

i gave you
your two letters
two days ago

the letters
that explained
everything

how you
simply made me trust
how you
simply made me feel
how you
simply were genuine

and now i have
not heard a single word
from you

and i
am on my own

once again

The beginning of 2018 I was struggling beyond words
I was struggling to get out of bed
I was struggling to find happiness within myself
I was struggling to eat a simple meal
2018 was the year I attempted to end everything
2018 was the year I sat in treatment in the hospital after a suicide attempt and opened up for the first time in my 21 years of life at the time
2018 was the year jersey shore medical saved my life and made me feel something again
2018 was the year I knocked down every wall I ever built since the age of 7
2018 is the year I went back and accepted the fact that I couldn’t save my 7 year old self no matter how much I wanted too
2018 is the year I rebuilt my life, making it more open and filled with scenery
2018 is the year I took my life back
2018 is the year I threw my emotions into writing
2018, you’ve been one hell of a chapter in this book, and my god I am so thankful it wasn’t the last chapter


2019 I’m ready for you baby

i want all of the hate
i have for my body
to seep out of every hole

until there is nothing left
but my hollow self
to fill with only

s e l f     l ov e

when the ****
as a society
did we decide it was okay
to normalize and romanticize
being numb

i have done
more harm than good
by numbing my emotions
for the last 14 years

i have hurt friends and family
by numbing it all
but more importantly
i have hurt myself
by numbing it all

so as a society i say
we start saying this

**** the numbness

feel it all
feel every last bit of pain
feel every last bit of hurt
feel every last bit of anger
feel every last bit of happiness

you will flourish now darling

for the first time
in 1,460 days
since i have laid eyes on you
i feel okay

i am standing on my own two feet
without you

i look around to find you
in the crowd
not out of excitement
but out of fear
of your fist finding my neck
once again

its like the weight of the world
has been lifted off my back
the weight of your world
has been lifted out of my life

i am free
never to be consumed by you

ever again

darkness
my old friend
turned lover
turned enemy

i have missed you
creeping up on me in the night
stealing my blankets

leaving me cold
in the middle of winter
where daylight savings
does not exist
and there is only you

darkness

imagine
what you once thought was
people you could call family
people you felt safe around

turn their backs
shut you out
hush you
ban you
people who throw
you in the dark
and shut the door

throw me to the wolves baby
I’ll come back leading the pack

its funny you know
looking back
on where i was a year ago
lost
and
hurt
begging for you to return

now you have returned
and all i can wish is for you to leave
i am worth so much more than what you have given me
i am strong
i am beautiful
i am creative
i am me

and you will not change that

i spent months and months asking myself
why was i not enough for you

was i not thin enough?
was i not pretty enough?
did you want me to change my hair color?
did i laugh too  much?
was my voice too annoying?
were my thighs too big?
was i not smart enough?
was i not domestic enough?
was i not wild enough?
did i not drink enough?
did i not smoke enough?
was i not careless enough?

395 days of me waking up each morning
and having these questions flood my brain
until i fell into bed and everything went black
only when my eyes shut for a few hours
would these questions stop

it has been 395 days of pure hell inside my brain
but i am learning now that it is not that i was not enough
i was too much

i gave you too much love
too much laughter
too much adventure
too much of everything you wanted
that you took complete advantage of

i will be okay

i hope you're happy where ever you are now

at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to drink
at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to gamble

yet

at the age of 21
i slashed
my wrists
at the age of 21
i tried playing
within traffic
at the age of 21
i was ready to
swallow all of my lexapro

at the age of 21
the monster came out
the memories flooded
my brain

after years and years
of keeping them hidden
beneath the cupboard
after years and years
of keeping them locked away
so that sunlight
would never ever
touch them

where they would
rot away
turn black
turn cold
where these memories
ate away at my skin
like leaches in the dark

i should have been free
instead
i tried ending it all

i just want to feel again

they say love
is the outpouring
of everything
good within you

they say love
is the respect
of self value
always soft and kind

they say love
can bring out
the wisdom
of emotional maturity

they say love
is the recognition
of another soul
so valuable so true

why does love scare me so much?

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

i miss you
so *******
much

but

all i can do
is watch
from my phone

you living your life
without me
while im here
living life
wishing you were here

i saw you
for the first time
in 4 months
you gave me
one of your great big hugs

i tried not to look into those blue eyes
i kept my eyes on the stage instead
in hopes i wouldnt feel anything

but the second i heard your voice
it shook my heart back alive
it shook my heart into beating again

and everything came rushing back

i wanted
so badly
so *******
badly

to open up
to you
to talk about
my past
to talk about
the trauma
to talk about
the nightmares
that still haunt
my mind

you were
the first person
i openly wanted
to talk to
about it all

but all you ever
were focused on
was

y o u

tonight i showed
my friend all the pieces
i have written

my past
my present
my future
all of them

i dont know if she liked them
and in all honesty
i dont care
if she truly does

because i do
these are MY words
this is MY story

and no one
not even you
can take that
from me

i miss running away
from all of my problems
the first second I realized
there was a problem

maybe that’s what I’m doing now

realizing there’s a problem
and
realizing I can’t be that girl
who picks up and leaves
like she use to every time before

maybe i’ve grown
maybe i got tired of running
maybe the running away
finally cracked my soul
maybe i need to get away again
maybe i need to run

maybe i will

maybe i wont

dear grandma

it has been a year and a half
since you left
i am so lost
god
i am so lost

im empty
im numb
i can barley cry anymore

i just really miss you

miss our girls sleepovers
miss running away from lifes problems
hiding away at your house

you always knew when i was starving
you always knew how to get me to eat
you always knew how to make me feel better
you always knew how to make me laugh

you were the only one who really knew who i was
even when i did not know who i was

god
i miss you

visit me soon

life has finally
gotten the better of me
life has finally
caught up with all my bad decisions
life has finally
consumed all of the light

i am confused

i am trying to
piece things together
without any memory

every feeling
I can’t figure out
why I feel this way

it is relearning
life again
hurt again
love again


i am relearning everything





i want
more than anything
to be me again

to be
completely
gut wrenching
honest

i do not
know
where to
even start
this piece

i am lost
i do not
know
which way
is up
which way
is down

i feel hurt

i am
aching
from the
pain of my past

the cracks
within me
are starting
to crumble
once more

i am lost
i am breaking
i will rebuild

i have not
been able
to write
since
you

l e f t

all
i was
able
to do
was

f a l l

i don’t know if you know this
but i love you

i love you
with every ounce of my being
with every cell in my body

my 23 year old self trusts you
more than i’ve ever trusted a single soul
in my entire life

and i don’t think you understand how
******* scary that is for me
i shake at the thought of me really trusting you
i shake at the thought of me being with you
i shake at the thought of me hurting again
i shake at the thought of wanting more
i shake at being in love with you

because to be completely honest,
i’ve never had someone actually
care about me the way you do
i’ve never had someone care about me
more than you care about me
i’ve never had someone care about my safety more than me
until
you

i’m not use to this
what do i do
how do i learn to have a life no longer poisoned by my past

i want the pain i carry inside
to bleed from the pen
instead of my wrists
i want the pain i carry inside
to turn emotions into words

i want the pain i carry inside
to bleed from my mouth
and fill the broken souls
who read my creations

i want to bleed from the inside out

how am i suppose
to explain
what the ****
i am feeling

how am i suppose
to explain
the anger that runs
through my ******* veins

that i was just a child
a helpless child
in a hallow room
filled with too much pain

to even        s p e a k

i use to hate the sound
of snores in the night
my mother and father
made the house sound like
a concert of untuned instruments
through out the night
it would bring back memories
memories i buried long ago
like a beast roaring
through out the night

then you happened

and I found myself
laying in your bed
after a night
of playing beneath the sheets
you fast asleep
me listening
to your snores
that sound so deep

the feeling of comfort
the feeling of safety
the feeling of love

all mixed together
to create

a love so neat

maybe i
am slow
with words

maybe i
cannot comprehend
what people say

i say what i feel
for the first time
in over 19 years

but that does not
matter to you

because no matter
what
i cannot
do anything
right

i am too
emotionally
hurt

       for y o u

you turned my world upside down
you're the one who abused me
you're the one who took advantage of me
you're the one who taught me
to keep a stone cold heart

and now

now here i am
sitting at this computer
with nothing but my tears
and my stone cold heart is crumbling to pieces
ice is falling from my chest

while you sit there on your cruise
laughing in the sun
playing in the ocean
dancing to the beat of the rhythm of somone elses heartbeat
intoxicating your body to escape the memories of me
is it working?
does it not hurt for you?
how do you do it?

for months
and months
i tried anything
to make you happy

i gave you money
i gave you my car
i gave you love
i gave you support
i picked you up
when you were down
i learned your ****** expressions
and the things that bothered you

maybe i tried shielding
you from the world
put you in a bubble
where no one
could hurt you

little did i realize
you were your
own worst enemy
and no matter how hard
i will ever try

i will never
be the one to make
you happy
only you can

where do i begin?
how do i begin?
you turned a stone cold girl
who was afraid to feel
even an ounce of anything
into
a woman who felt everything
so deeply and strongly
i begged you each night
to leave me because i was petrified
of the things you made me feel
of the way you made me trust you
you never left
not even when i begged you to
you didn't leave til now
i waited for you to let me down
and you never ******* did
you never let me down
do you know how frustrating that is?
do you know how hard this is for me now?

and now i am here
a bit better put together
than you once knew me

thank you
for your kind love
for your pure soul
for your passionate self

i will love you forever

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

i wonder what heavens like
is my grandma there?
is both my grandpas there?
is cassy, lilly, and stella there?
are my friends there?

is it quiet at night there?
is it peaceful like the morning sun
rising over the ocean so calmy?
is there thunderstorms that put you to sleep?
is there no pain there?
do you laugh so hard your stomach aches there?

why does it sound nicer
to be there
than
it does to be here
within all of this ******* chaos
within all of this ******* pain
why am i here and not there?

i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l

i have never hated
addiction more than
i do right in this very moment

i am confused
i am crying
underneath that all
i can hear you
in the back of my mind
telling me not to cry
and making me laugh

i am angry
i am hurt
why did you have to leave
why did you have to go

please
please
come back

i am
sick and tired
of being left
of not being enough
of ******* hurting
so badly i bleed
out of my hands and throat

i am
sick and tired
of false hope
of telling myself
everything will be okay

i think i'll turn
to the dark side
for a bit
maybe happiness
just is not meant for me
in this lifetime
and i give up

            t r y i n g
            to fight for it