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Aug 18 · 440
Her Aug 18
at 26 years of age
i am just now
discovering who i am

i spent 19 years of my life
hidden in the darkest
parts of my own mind

numb to everything
numb to everyone

at 26 years of life
i can sit at the table
not wanting to starve myself
for weeks on end

at 26 years of life
i finally like who is looking
back at me in the mirror

i can finally s m i l e
Aug 18 · 422
Her Aug 18
nine months ago
you broke my heart
shattered it into pieces

the can't eat
the can't sleep
the can't think

the gut wrenching
stomach churning
kind of broken heart

i had promised myself
after a week
of the nausea
that i would never
feel this way again

i would laugh again
i would be confident again
i would get my eating disorder in control again
i would learn who i am again
without you mixed into my personality

but most importantly
i would enjoy my life again

thank you
for breaking my heart
nine months ago

i finally like who i am because of this
Aug 13 · 2.2k
and i ran
Her Aug 13
i will never
forget looking out
that second story window

hearing the
pool filter
in the background
mixed with heavy breathing

the cheetah print
sheets that cut
my skin open

the smell of marlboro golds
and sweat
with a hint of hopeful regret
filled that entire bedroom
that summer day

but most of all

it was that feeling
that i would rather risk
breaking both legs
jumping from the window

than deal with this pain


            a g a i n
Her Aug 13
i will never forget that day
walking away from one another
on the corner of the street

struggling to catch my breath
struggling to even breathe
struggling to catch my words

i begged you
for months
and months
days upon days

to get your **** together
to give up drinking
to give up all the women
to give up all the rumors
to give up this small city
to give up this lifestyle

you could not
you chose not

you hurt me so bad
i started to write again
because it was the only thing
you left me with
Her Aug 13
after you ripped my heart
straight out of my chest
i swore that day
that i would
care about someone
the way i did for you

i promised myself
i would never
trust a man
the way i did for you

but then he came
into my life
so unexpected
so gracefully
so delicately

now here i am
almost a year later
trying to fight that
promise i made to myself

a g a i n
Aug 12 · 64
Her Aug 12
i am sitting here
on my living room floor
to have a chance
with you again

I am not so sure
I ever believed in a God
up until now

give me a chance
I beg you
Aug 12 · 307
i can't get my words out
Her Aug 12
how the ****
am i suppose to describe
the hands around my neck
and the anger in bones

how the ****
am i suppose to communicate
and express all the words
i’ve dreamed of saying

but can’t

because there’s a rock
of stone stuck
in between my esophagus
a rock of stone
that has seeped into my heart
and turned it solid

unable to yell
unable to scream
unable to cry
unable to breathe
Aug 12 · 46
i was just a child
Her Aug 12
i was 7 years old
when my world
came crashing down

what was once
a life filled
with color
with light
with happiness
with love


i have been fighting
the last 19 years
to fight back
to get her back
to feel again

i was just a child
when everything
was taken from me
without my consent

i will make her proud
i will be okay again
i will love again
i will be gentle again

i was just a
                     c h i l d
Her Aug 12
i thought I could
sink myself
in fake emotion
that it would
drown everything out

i thought maybe
enough fake words
to the world
would make me
forget all the numbness
life has offered me

i never realized
til now
at 25

i am drowning

within silence
within myself
within the pain of my past

i am d r o w n i n g
Aug 12 · 20
Her Aug 12
my whole life
i have never
spent more
than 3 months
within one place
or staying
with one person

always running from
always running from

then you
oh you

you came into
my life
like a freight train
loud and conducted

you came into
my heart
like an atomic bomb
loud and destructive

not the bad kind though
not the bad kind of destructive
not the bad kind of second guessing

the kind where
you call me out
for questioning
the rhythm of people’s voices

the kind where
You make me laugh
the hardest when all I feel
like is crying

the kind where
in a room filled with people
you are the only single soul
i look for
Her Jul 2022
maybe i
am slow
with words

maybe i
cannot comprehend
what people say

i say what i feel
for the first time
in over 19 years

but that does not
matter to you

because no matter
i cannot
do anything

i am too

       for y o u
Mar 2022 · 171
maybe love is not enough
Her Mar 2022
we fight
day after day
night after night

poison spilling
from our fingertips
poison spilling
from our mouths

when will
i finally be
enough for you

will it ever happen
in this lifetime

or are we
just fantasizing
about something
that will never
Feb 2022 · 263
Her Feb 2022
life has finally
gotten the better of me
life has finally
caught up with all my bad decisions
life has finally
consumed all of the light

i am confused

i am trying to
piece things together
without any memory

every feeling
I can’t figure out
why I feel this way

it is relearning
life again
hurt again
love again

i am relearning everything

i want
more than anything
to be me again
Jul 2021 · 924
restart restart
Her Jul 2021
what I would give
to go back
and restart

every second
of my life

to restart
every feeling
every emotion

i need it all
to stop


just stop
Mar 2021 · 366
How's your day today?
Her Mar 2021
i feel pain
i feel hurt
i feel ******* betrayed

i feel like i wanna run away
i feel like i wanna shut off
i feel like i wanna forget everyone

i feel hollow
i feel numb


i feel fine
Nov 2020 · 295
Her Nov 2020
what you once thought was
people you could call family
people you felt safe around

turn their backs
shut you out
hush you
ban you
people who throw
you in the dark
and shut the door

throw me to the wolves baby
I’ll come back leading the pack
Aug 2020 · 439
Untitled Tapes
Her Aug 2020
how the ****
am I suppose to
have self esteem
my fathers best friend
took every ounce of it

how the ****
am I suppose to
trust someone
my own parents
sent me into that house

how the ****
am I suppose to
not be fuucked up
from this?

I feel empty
I feel sad
I am sorry
Jun 2020 · 211
questions to heaven
Her Jun 2020
i wonder what heavens like
is my grandma there?
is both my grandpas there?
is cassy, lilly, and stella there?
are my friends there?

is it quiet at night there?
is it peaceful like the morning sun
rising over the ocean so calmy?
is there thunderstorms that put you to sleep?
is there no pain there?
do you laugh so hard your stomach aches there?

why does it sound nicer
to be there
it does to be here
within all of this ******* chaos
within all of this ******* pain
why am i here and not there?
Her Jun 2020
i have never hated
addiction more than
i do right in this very moment

i am confused
i am crying
underneath that all
i can hear you
in the back of my mind
telling me not to cry
and making me laugh

i am angry
i am hurt
why did you have to leave
why did you have to go

come back
Jun 2020 · 198
Her Jun 2020
i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l
May 2020 · 159
We Put Love In A Box
Her May 2020
the day we are born
we put love in a box
a shiny bright perfect box
one that is untouched
by pain and deception

as time goes on
the box becomes
thrown on the ground
set on fire
dropped deep into
the depths of despair
locked away for years
hidden in the dark

for no one to find or touch
this box goes through hell
burnt, cracks all across the sides
it has been kicked, it has been smashed

but eventually we
find that one soul
the key to open
what the others try to find
it opens after a few tries
of turning the key
left then right
then left one more time

we put love in a box
to be found
to be earned
to be given
to be loved
we put love in a box
Her May 2020
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
Her May 2020
i never really
believed in love
if we are being honest here
i only believed in two souls
connecting on this earth
to a certain point

but never true love
heart warming love
soft tender love

not until

you sat there with me
the first few months
of meeting
you sat on the side
of the road at 3 am
and hugged me

you told me
that no matter what
happened in this life
everything will be okay

call me stupid
but i realized the next morning
that is all i have ever wanted to hear
since i was 7 years old

that everything
was going to be okay

who would have thought
those 6 words would be
the key to open my      
                                         h e a r t
May 2020 · 126
Her May 2020
i want to scream
of aggravation
of this life
of always coming
so ******* close
to the thing
i want so badly

to never getting it
to having it thrown in my face
to trying so hard
to nothing ever in my favor

i want to scream
i am tired
i am weak
i have lost my voice

i want to scream
Apr 2020 · 141
Her Apr 2020
i dont know what to do.
i love him.
he has taught me so much about love.
about what i need in a partner.
about how i want to be treated.
he has taught me that i can trust.
he has taught me i can be soft.
he has held me in times where i was broken.
he has pieced me back together.
fragment by fragment.
he has supported me emotionally.
he has always made sure to communicate with me.

why am i feeling different now?
why does he keep saying he will try harder?
when he has not seen me in 3 weeks?
when we spent everyday together prior?
when he decides to be lazy?

i dont know what to do
i am crying
i am exhausted
i dont know what to do
Her Apr 2020
we grow up
watching movies
of the princess
marrying the
brave sweet prince
they live
happily every after


what if that
is not all
what if the princess
wants more
what if the princess
does not feel the same
way years later

they teach us
when we find
the one we love
to marry them
and live happily ever after


what they
do not teach
is it time to
walk away
leave this

Mar 2020 · 131
Her Mar 2020
as a child
my parents
kept me

well mannered
well traveled
they have given me
an abundance
of materialistic


that is all
ever was
an object

that is why
i cannot
connect to people

because we are

all just objects
Mar 2020 · 129
leave me once more
Her Mar 2020
sitting here
in the rain
trying to
keep myself

thinking of
all the lies
you fed me
from the palm
of your hand

thinking of
the broken promises
you had no problem
washing away

thinking of
all of the pain
you have sent me
away with

thinking of
how you can not
even bring yourself
to say

i'm sorry
Mar 2020 · 258
breaking to rebuild
Her Mar 2020
to be
gut wrenching

i do not
where to
even start
this piece

i am lost
i do not
which way
is up
which way
is down

i feel hurt

i am
from the
pain of my past

the cracks
within me
are starting
to crumble
once more

i am lost
i am breaking
i will rebuild
Her Feb 2020
i have always
trusted you
i have always
listened to you

i never
second guessed you
i never
told anyone
how hurt i was
when you told me

i kept a happy face on
now i am built up with
all of this pain

this *******
added pain

all i do is hurt
i bleed pain
i ache pain

i cant do this anymore
Feb 2020 · 125
Night Is Crazy Kids
Her Feb 2020
i loved you
from the bottom
of my hollow

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ice cold

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ravished with trauma

i loved you
with every
fiber of my beating

i do not love you anymore

how could i?
Her Feb 2020
how am i suppose
to explain
what the ****
i am feeling

how am i suppose
to explain
the anger that runs
through my ******* veins

that i was just a child
a helpless child
in a hallow room
filled with too much pain

to even        s p e a k
Feb 2020 · 145
Abandoned Amusement Park
Her Feb 2020
round and round
we all go

like lifeless teacups
at an abandoned amusement park

i am trying
to fake a smile
like everyone else

I want to scream
I want to run
I want to hide

why is everyone the same
why is no one laughing
why is this place so cold

why do I feel like i am dying
Her Dec 2019
i am
sick and tired
of being left
of not being enough
of ******* hurting
so badly i bleed
out of my hands and throat

i am
sick and tired
of false hope
of telling myself
everything will be okay

i think i'll turn
to the dark side
for a bit
maybe happiness
just is not meant for me
in this lifetime
and i give up

            t r y i n g
            to fight for it
Her Dec 2019
you think i am
a woman who
is okay
with being left
in the dark

my my
are you

you think you can
hurt me
only i can
hurt me

    now stay the **** away
Her Dec 2019
when i was 7 years old
i found myself
not knowing
how to communicate

i took a pen
to my opisthenar
making the pen
crush my skin


my mother
put ice on it
telling me
it would
one day be okay

maybe thats how
i became
who i am today

bruising, bleeding
my emotions
just to ice them out
and not feel a thing


     one day it will all be okay
Her Aug 2019
i don’t know if you know this
but i love you

i love you
with every ounce of my being
with every cell in my body

my 23 year old self trusts you
more than i’ve ever trusted a single soul
in my entire life

and i don’t think you understand how
******* scary that is for me
i shake at the thought of me really trusting you
i shake at the thought of me being with you
i shake at the thought of me hurting again
i shake at the thought of wanting more
i shake at being in love with you

because to be completely honest,
i’ve never had someone actually
care about me the way you do
i’ve never had someone care about me
more than you care about me
i’ve never had someone care about my safety more than me

i’m not use to this
what do i do
how do i learn to have a life no longer poisoned by my past
Her Aug 2019
everyone tells me
to trust you
to communicate how i feel
to not let these other women ruin this
to not let me ruin this


how am i suppose to do that
when i haven’t trusted a single soul
since the age of 7

how am i suppose to when
the last time i trusted someone
they violated everything about me
and took every ounce of my innocence

how am i suppose to do this now?
i’m lost
Her Aug 2019
i think i love him
even when
he gaslights me
into believing what he believes

i think i love him
even when
he gets so drunk
he can’t remember what happened the night before

i think i love him
even when
he moans another woman’s name during ***

i think i love him
even when
he raises his hand to my face

i thought i loved him
but it was all in my head
Her Jul 2019
they ask why
i can’t communicate
they ask why
i can’t speak how i feel
they ask why
i can’t express myself

at the age of 7
my voice box
stopped working
for 3 years
of my life

my voice box
covered and choked
your hands
your threats

the fear
distilled in my brain
soaking through my skin
running through my veins

makes me petrified
leaks like blood
from my wrists

i am scared
of communicating

i don’t want to hurt anymore
i am trapped

h e l p
Her Jun 2019
how do i feel they ask
9 months out of treatment
and how am i suppose
to say how i actually feel

when the light
in my mother eyes
is the brightest they’ve been
since before any of this
struck my soul to the core
15 years ago

when the words
my siblings speak
are like walking on
broken glass whenever
i am around
because i know they’re scared
any little thing will
set me off

when the volume
of my dads voice
has been the softest
it’s been since
before my ****** up
memory can remember

i just want to be free
i just want to be treated normal again
i just want everyone to know that
i’m hurting but it will not be the end of the world
May 2019 · 231
my mind can’t stop racing
Her May 2019
for months
and months
i tried anything
to make you happy

i gave you money
i gave you my car
i gave you love
i gave you support
i picked you up
when you were down
i learned your ****** expressions
and the things that bothered you

maybe i tried shielding
you from the world
put you in a bubble
where no one
could hurt you

little did i realize
you were your
own worst enemy
and no matter how hard
i will ever try

i will never
be the one to make
you happy
only you can
Mar 2019 · 4.1k
Her Mar 2019
what is PTSD they ask

it’s not knowing which
way is right or left
it’s not knowing how
to maneuver your own mood swings
it’s trying to find your way
through a dark maze during the night
with not an ounce of light to guide you

it’s suicidal tendencies
it’s never thinking you’re enough
it’s thinking you’re *****
it’s thinking you’re useless
it’s thinking you’re used
its thinking you’re undeserving

it’s icing people out at the second
you start to feel emotion
it’s numbing yourself to the world
it’s laying in bed
it’s not being able
to move your body
for days on end
because the pain
strikes to the bone
it’s aches

its going a year out of treatment
and you were strong
until the anniversary month roles around
and suddenly you are a glass house
with stones being pelted to the core

it’s lost years
years of life I may
never fully remember

it’s nightmares
the gut wrenching ones
that night replaying
over and over and over

but most of all

it’s guilt
for not being able
to save my 7 year old self
Feb 2019 · 286
Her Feb 2019
i miss running away
from all of my problems
the first second I realized
there was a problem

maybe that’s what I’m doing now

realizing there’s a problem
realizing I can’t be that girl
who picks up and leaves
like she use to every time before

maybe i’ve grown
maybe i got tired of running
maybe the running away
finally cracked my soul
maybe i need to get away again
maybe i need to run

maybe i will

maybe i wont
Jan 2019 · 290
wasting time
Her Jan 2019
i wanted
so badly
so *******

to open up
to you
to talk about
my past
to talk about
the trauma
to talk about
the nightmares
that still haunt
my mind

you were
the first person
i openly wanted
to talk to
about it all

but all you ever
were focused on

y o u
Jan 2019 · 285
Letters to Heaven Pt. 1
Her Jan 2019
dear grandma

it has been a year and a half
since you left
i am so lost
i am so lost

im empty
im numb
i can barley cry anymore

i just really miss you

miss our girls sleepovers
miss running away from lifes problems
hiding away at your house

you always knew when i was starving
you always knew how to get me to eat
you always knew how to make me feel better
you always knew how to make me laugh

you were the only one who really knew who i was
even when i did not know who i was

i miss you

visit me soon
Dec 2018 · 726
Her Dec 2018
let the pain from my past
be the ink that bleads from my body
onto paper

turning pain into power
turning feelings into words
Dec 2018 · 319
Her Dec 2018
The beginning of 2018 I was struggling beyond words
I was struggling to get out of bed
I was struggling to find happiness within myself
I was struggling to eat a simple meal
2018 was the year I attempted to end everything
2018 was the year I sat in treatment in the hospital after a suicide attempt and opened up for the first time in my 21 years of life at the time
2018 was the year jersey shore medical saved my life and made me feel something again
2018 was the year I knocked down every wall I ever built since the age of 7
2018 is the year I went back and accepted the fact that I couldn’t save my 7 year old self no matter how much I wanted too
2018 is the year I rebuilt my life, making it more open and filled with scenery
2018 is the year I took my life back
2018 is the year I threw my emotions into writing
2018, you’ve been one hell of a chapter in this book, and my god I am so thankful it wasn’t the last chapter

2019 I’m ready for you baby
Her Dec 2018
my own parents
did not realize
for years
and years
the abuse
the torture
i went through
every time i walked a
few steps outside my house
greeting my neighbor

i remember the door locking
i remember them turning around afterwards
and smiling at me
"what do we have here"
he would say

i remember shaking
i remember wanting to run
i remember thinking
of jumping out the window
because that was the only escape
my seven year old self could think of
then everything goes black
and suddenly
i remember nothing

fast forward a few years
i am having *** with a boy from my school
knowing this means nothing
feeling nothing
my body has turned cold
my body has shed its weight in worry
my body just skin and bones

my mother never
told my father he claims now
my parents
they both knew
how could they not
how could they not
how could they not
how could they
not see the lifeless 7 year old
who returned home that day

how could they let me into that house
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