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Jun 11 · 65
questions to heaven
Her Jun 11
i wonder what heavens like
is my grandma there?
is both my grandpas there?
is cassy, lilly, and stella there?
are my friends there?

is it quiet at night there?
is it peaceful like the morning sun
rising over the ocean so calmy?
is there thunderstorms that put you to sleep?
is there no pain there?
do you laugh so hard your stomach aches there?

why does it sound nicer
to be there
than
it does to be here
within all of this ******* chaos
within all of this ******* pain
why am i here and not there?
Her Jun 11
i have never hated
addiction more than
i do right in this very moment

i am confused
i am crying
underneath that all
i can hear you
in the back of my mind
telling me not to cry
and making me laugh

i am angry
i am hurt
why did you have to leave
why did you have to go

please
please
come back
Jun 11 · 65
Hollow
Her Jun 11
i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l
May 4 · 197
We Put Love In A Box
Her May 4
the day we are born
we put love in a box
a shiny bright perfect box
one that is untouched
by pain and deception

as time goes on
the box becomes
thrown on the ground
set on fire
dropped deep into
the depths of despair
locked away for years
hidden in the dark

for no one to find or touch
this box goes through hell
burnt, cracks all across the sides
it has been kicked, it has been smashed

but eventually we
find that one soul
the key to open
what the others try to find
it opens after a few tries
of turning the key
left then right
then left one more time

we put love in a box
to be found
to be earned
to be given
to be loved
we put love in a box
Her May 4
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
Her May 4
i never really
believed in love
if we are being honest here
i only believed in two souls
connecting on this earth
to a certain point

but never true love
heart warming love
soft tender love

not until
you

you sat there with me
the first few months
of meeting
you sat on the side
of the road at 3 am
and hugged me

you told me
that no matter what
happened in this life
everything will be okay

call me stupid
but i realized the next morning
that is all i have ever wanted to hear
since i was 7 years old

that everything
was going to be okay

who would have thought
those 6 words would be
the key to open my      
                                         h e a r t
May 4 · 85
scream
Her May 4
i want to scream
of aggravation
of this life
of always coming
so ******* close
to the thing
i want so badly

to never getting it
to having it thrown in my face
to trying so hard
to nothing ever in my favor

i want to scream
i am tired
i am weak
i have lost my voice


i want to scream
Apr 7 · 247
confusion
Her Apr 7
i dont know what to do.
i love him.
he has taught me so much about love.
about what i need in a partner.
about how i want to be treated.
he has taught me that i can trust.
he has taught me i can be soft.
he has held me in times where i was broken.
he has pieced me back together.
fragment by fragment.
he has supported me emotionally.
he has always made sure to communicate with me.

why am i feeling different now?
why does he keep saying he will try harder?
when he has not seen me in 3 weeks?
when we spent everyday together prior?
when he decides to be lazy?

i dont know what to do
i am crying
i am exhausted
i dont know what to do
Her Apr 7
we grow up
watching movies
of the princess
marrying the
brave sweet prince
and
they live
happily every after

but

what if that
is not all
what if the princess
wants more
what if the princess
does not feel the same
way years later

they teach us
when we find
the one we love
to marry them
and live happily ever after

but

what they
do not teach
is
when
is it time to
walk away
and
leave this
chapter

                  behind
Mar 30 · 996
objects
Her Mar 30
as a child
my parents
kept me

well mannered
well traveled
they have given me
an abundance
of materialistic
objects

but

that is all
anything
ever was
an object

maybe
that is why
i cannot
connect to people

because we are

all just objects
Mar 30 · 379
leave me once more
Her Mar 30
sitting here
in the rain
trying to
keep myself
calm

thinking of
all the lies
you fed me
from the palm
of your hand

thinking of
the broken promises
you had no problem
washing away

thinking of
all of the pain
you have sent me
away with

thinking of
how you can not
even bring yourself
to say

i'm sorry
Mar 30 · 262
breaking to rebuild
Her Mar 30
to be
completely
gut wrenching
honest

i do not
know
where to
even start
this piece

i am lost
i do not
know
which way
is up
which way
is down

i feel hurt

i am
aching
from the
pain of my past

the cracks
within me
are starting
to crumble
once more

i am lost
i am breaking
i will rebuild
Her Feb 26
i have always
trusted you
i have always
listened to you

i never
second guessed you
i never
told anyone
how hurt i was
when you told me

i kept a happy face on
now i am built up with
all of this pain

this *******
added pain

all i do is hurt
i bleed pain
i ache pain

i cant do this anymore
Feb 26 · 115
Night Is Crazy Kids
Her Feb 26
i loved you
from the bottom
of my hollow
heart

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ice cold
heart

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ravished with trauma
heart

i loved you
with every
fiber of my beating
heart

but
i do not love you anymore

how could i?
Her Feb 10
how am i suppose
to explain
what the ****
i am feeling

how am i suppose
to explain
the anger that runs
through my ******* veins

that i was just a child
a helpless child
in a hallow room
filled with too much pain

to even        s p e a k
Her Feb 3
round and round
we all go

spinning
like lifeless teacups
at an abandoned amusement park

i am trying
to fake a smile
like everyone else

but
I want to scream
I want to run
I want to hide

why is everyone the same
why is no one laughing
why is this place so cold


why do I feel like i am dying
Her Dec 2019
i am
sick and tired
of being left
of not being enough
of ******* hurting
so badly i bleed
out of my hands and throat

i am
sick and tired
of false hope
of telling myself
everything will be okay

i think i'll turn
to the dark side
for a bit
maybe happiness
just is not meant for me
in this lifetime
and i give up

            t r y i n g
            to fight for it
Her Dec 2019
you think i am
a woman who
is okay
with being left
in the dark

my my
are you
wrong

you think you can
hurt me
but
oh
baby
only i can
hurt me

    now stay the **** away
Her Dec 2019
when i was 7 years old
i found myself
angry
not knowing
how to communicate

i took a pen
to my opisthenar
making the pen
crush my skin

bruising
and
bleeding

my mother
put ice on it
telling me
it would
one day be okay

maybe thats how
i became
who i am today

bruising, bleeding
my emotions
just to ice them out
and not feel a thing

whispering
to
myself

     one day it will all be okay
Her Aug 2019
i don’t know if you know this
but i love you

i love you
with every ounce of my being
with every cell in my body

my 23 year old self trusts you
more than i’ve ever trusted a single soul
in my entire life

and i don’t think you understand how
******* scary that is for me
i shake at the thought of me really trusting you
i shake at the thought of me being with you
i shake at the thought of me hurting again
i shake at the thought of wanting more
i shake at being in love with you

because to be completely honest,
i’ve never had someone actually
care about me the way you do
i’ve never had someone care about me
more than you care about me
i’ve never had someone care about my safety more than me
until
you

i’m not use to this
what do i do
how do i learn to have a life no longer poisoned by my past
Her Aug 2019
everyone tells me
to trust you
to communicate how i feel
to not let these other women ruin this
to not let me ruin this

but

how am i suppose to do that
when i haven’t trusted a single soul
since the age of 7

how am i suppose to when
the last time i trusted someone
they violated everything about me
and took every ounce of my innocence

how am i suppose to do this now?
i’m lost
Her Aug 2019
i think i love him
even when
he gaslights me
into believing what he believes

i think i love him
even when
he gets so drunk
he can’t remember what happened the night before

i think i love him
even when
he moans another woman’s name during ***

i think i love him
even when
he raises his hand to my face

i thought i loved him
but it was all in my head
Her Jul 2019
they ask why
i can’t communicate
they ask why
i can’t speak how i feel
they ask why
i can’t express myself

at the age of 7
my voice box
stopped working
for 3 years
of my life

my voice box
covered and choked
by
your hands
and
your threats

the fear
distilled in my brain
soaking through my skin
running through my veins

vulnerability
makes me petrified
vulnerability
leaks like blood
from my wrists

i am scared
of communicating

i don’t want to hurt anymore
i am trapped

h e l p
Her Jun 2019
how do i feel they ask
9 months out of treatment
and how am i suppose
to say how i actually feel

when the light
in my mother eyes
is the brightest they’ve been
since before any of this
struck my soul to the core
15 years ago

when the words
my siblings speak
are like walking on
broken glass whenever
i am around
because i know they’re scared
any little thing will
set me off

when the volume
of my dads voice
has been the softest
it’s been since
before my ****** up
memory can remember

i just want to be free
i just want to be treated normal again
i just want everyone to know that
i’m hurting but it will not be the end of the world
May 2019 · 163
my mind can’t stop racing
Her May 2019
for months
and months
i tried anything
to make you happy

i gave you money
i gave you my car
i gave you love
i gave you support
i picked you up
when you were down
i learned your ****** expressions
and the things that bothered you

maybe i tried shielding
you from the world
put you in a bubble
where no one
could hurt you

little did i realize
you were your
own worst enemy
and no matter how hard
i will ever try

i will never
be the one to make
you happy
only you can
Mar 2019 · 3.0k
PTSD
Her Mar 2019
what is PTSD they ask

it’s not knowing which
way is right or left
it’s not knowing how
to maneuver your own mood swings
it’s trying to find your way
through a dark maze during the night
with not an ounce of light to guide you

it’s suicidal tendencies
it’s never thinking you’re enough
it’s thinking you’re *****
it’s thinking you’re useless
it’s thinking you’re used
its thinking you’re undeserving

it’s icing people out at the second
you start to feel emotion
it’s numbing yourself to the world
it’s laying in bed
it’s not being able
to move your body
for days on end
because the pain
strikes to the bone
it’s aches

its going a year out of treatment
and you were strong
until the anniversary month roles around
and suddenly you are a glass house
with stones being pelted to the core

it’s lost years
years of life I may
never fully remember

it’s nightmares
the gut wrenching ones
that night replaying
over and over and over

but most of all

it’s guilt
for not being able
to save my 7 year old self
Feb 2019 · 224
runaway
Her Feb 2019
i miss running away
from all of my problems
the first second I realized
there was a problem

maybe that’s what I’m doing now

realizing there’s a problem
and
realizing I can’t be that girl
who picks up and leaves
like she use to every time before

maybe i’ve grown
maybe i got tired of running
maybe the running away
finally cracked my soul
maybe i need to get away again
maybe i need to run

maybe i will

maybe i wont
Jan 2019 · 222
wasting time
Her Jan 2019
i wanted
so badly
so *******
badly

to open up
to you
to talk about
my past
to talk about
the trauma
to talk about
the nightmares
that still haunt
my mind

you were
the first person
i openly wanted
to talk to
about it all

but all you ever
were focused on
was

y o u
Jan 2019 · 226
Letters to Heaven Pt. 1
Her Jan 2019
dear grandma

it has been a year and a half
since you left
i am so lost
god
i am so lost

im empty
im numb
i can barley cry anymore

i just really miss you

miss our girls sleepovers
miss running away from lifes problems
hiding away at your house

you always knew when i was starving
you always knew how to get me to eat
you always knew how to make me feel better
you always knew how to make me laugh

you were the only one who really knew who i was
even when i did not know who i was

god
i miss you

visit me soon
Dec 2018 · 672
Power
Her Dec 2018
let the pain from my past
be the ink that bleads from my body
onto paper

turning pain into power
turning feelings into words
Dec 2018 · 241
2018
Her Dec 2018
The beginning of 2018 I was struggling beyond words
I was struggling to get out of bed
I was struggling to find happiness within myself
I was struggling to eat a simple meal
2018 was the year I attempted to end everything
2018 was the year I sat in treatment in the hospital after a suicide attempt and opened up for the first time in my 21 years of life at the time
2018 was the year jersey shore medical saved my life and made me feel something again
2018 was the year I knocked down every wall I ever built since the age of 7
2018 is the year I went back and accepted the fact that I couldn’t save my 7 year old self no matter how much I wanted too
2018 is the year I rebuilt my life, making it more open and filled with scenery
2018 is the year I took my life back
2018 is the year I threw my emotions into writing
2018, you’ve been one hell of a chapter in this book, and my god I am so thankful it wasn’t the last chapter


2019 I’m ready for you baby
Her Dec 2018
my own parents
did not realize
for years
and years
the abuse
and
the torture
i went through
every time i walked a
few steps outside my house
greeting my neighbor

i remember the door locking
i remember them turning around afterwards
and smiling at me
"what do we have here"
he would say

i remember shaking
i remember wanting to run
i remember thinking
of jumping out the window
because that was the only escape
my seven year old self could think of
then everything goes black
and suddenly
i remember nothing

fast forward a few years
i am having *** with a boy from my school
knowing this means nothing
feeling nothing
my body has turned cold
my body has shed its weight in worry
my body just skin and bones

my mother never
told my father he claims now
my parents
they both knew
how could they not
how could they not
how could they not
how could they
not see the lifeless 7 year old
who returned home that day

how could they let me into that house
Nov 2018 · 238
21 21 21 21
Her Nov 2018
at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to drink
at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to gamble

yet

at the age of 21
i slashed
my wrists
at the age of 21
i tried playing
within traffic
at the age of 21
i was ready to
swallow all of my lexapro

at the age of 21
the monster came out
the memories flooded
my brain

after years and years
of keeping them hidden
beneath the cupboard
after years and years
of keeping them locked away
so that sunlight
would never ever
touch them

where they would
rot away
turn black
turn cold
where these memories
ate away at my skin
like leaches in the dark

i should have been free
instead
i tried ending it all

i just want to feel again
Nov 2018 · 485
i am tired of hiding
Her Nov 2018
some days
i miss the psych ward
being away
from society
left with only
my demons

not being able
to be hurt by
anyone there

i wish
i could find
that comfortability
out in the real world
instead of hiding away
in these locked away rooms
i don't wanna leave
Nov 2018 · 491
confession
Her Nov 2018
i sit on the beach
as the rain comes down
from the sky onto my skin
hoping
praying
for it to wash away
all this sadness
from within
Oct 2018 · 188
Pet Peeves
Her Oct 2018
i use to hate the sound
of snores in the night
my mother and father
made the house sound like
a concert of untuned instruments
through out the night
it would bring back memories
memories i buried long ago
like a beast roaring
through out the night

then you happened

and I found myself
laying in your bed
after a night
of playing beneath the sheets
you fast asleep
me listening
to your snores
that sound so deep

the feeling of comfort
the feeling of safety
the feeling of love

all mixed together
to create

a love so neat
Oct 2018 · 314
make it stop
Her Oct 2018
i wish i could
make these thoughts stop
i wish i could
feel something again

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the slightest bit
of vulnerability

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the recurring nightmares
that haunt my brain

the nightmares
the flashbacks
it all hurts

how do i make it stop
Oct 2018 · 635
Is it November yet?
Her Oct 2018
October tastes of deception
filled with empty hearts
and empty souls
looking for a place to call home

October tastes like a man
who is all bark
and absolutely no bite
trying to impress but doing less

October tastes like lies
fed from your mouth
tongues burning on my skin
leaving marks within the dark

October tastes like
everything you truly are
and nothing you think
you are from within
Oct 2018 · 354
October
Her Oct 2018
my friends and i
we go to scary farms
my friends and i
we go to haunted houses
my friends scream in terror
at the ghosts and ghouls

while i stand there
with no expression
they ask me why
i am not scared

how do i tell them
there is nothing scarier in this world

than losing your own m i n d
Aug 2018 · 302
Love Lost
Her Aug 2018
i wish vampires were real
so they could ****
every last ounce of your love
from my body and soul
Her Aug 2018
where do i begin?
how do i begin?
you turned a stone cold girl
who was afraid to feel
even an ounce of anything
into
a woman who felt everything
so deeply and strongly
i begged you each night
to leave me because i was petrified
of the things you made me feel
of the way you made me trust you
you never left
not even when i begged you to
you didn't leave til now
i waited for you to let me down
and you never ******* did
you never let me down
do you know how frustrating that is?
do you know how hard this is for me now?

and now i am here
a bit better put together
than you once knew me

thank you
for your kind love
for your pure soul
for your passionate self

i will love you forever
Aug 2018 · 627
When I Get Sad
Her Aug 2018
whenever im sad
i look back on that video
of the two of us drunk
dancing, laughing, singing
at the bar
that night we felt as if
we were the only two there

when i get sad
i think of that time
after the bar
where we went up to your room
and you played your acoustic guitar
and sang a new song
you were working on
i was the only fan in the room that night
and my smile was bigger than it could have ever been

when i get sad
i think of those mornings
where you held me close
where i could hear our heartbeats
beat to a rhythm of a song so intertwined

when you get sad
do you even think of me?
Aug 2018 · 242
L
Her Aug 2018
L
i saw you
for the first time
in 4 months
you gave me
one of your great big hugs

i tried not to look into those blue eyes
i kept my eyes on the stage instead
in hopes i wouldnt feel anything

but the second i heard your voice
it shook my heart back alive
it shook my heart into beating again

and everything came rushing back
Aug 2018 · 974
XX
Her Aug 2018
**
i have thrown myself
at so many men
in hopes that
i could just forget
everything about you

forget your beautiful bright blue eyes
those eyes that lit up
the rooms you walked into
forget your touch
that soft welcoming touch

i wish i could forget
i ever had you
so i could forget
i ever lost you
Aug 2018 · 323
Saving
Her Aug 2018
his skin like the pale
white hospital room walls
my soul like the
patient they're dying to save
Her Aug 2018
i caught my father
cheating on my mother
the woman who picked
him up time and time again
the woman who raised
his three children
the woman who nursed
his open wounds

how am i suppose to forgive
or trust this man

when i am his blood
when i am his eyes
when i am his nose

i hate this body
get me the **** out
Aug 2018 · 237
Vacant
Her Aug 2018
i have not
been able
to write
since
you

l e f t

all
i was
able
to do
was

f a l l
Jul 2018 · 2.4k
11
Her Jul 2018
11
at the age of eleven
my very own grandmother
compared me to my sister
she told me
i was too fat
i was too loud
i was too talkative

i spent the past eleven years
making sure to
starve myself
always be quiet
to never speak my mind

i starved myself til
every single bone was visible
i shut my mouth
through every moment
of physical and emotional abuse
i agreed to everything everyone
picked out for me
never speaking up for myself

am i enough yet grandma?
Jul 2018 · 429
you
Her Jul 2018
you
laying in your bed
talking about my past
you unwrap my wounds

so easily
so gracefully

thank you
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