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Her Jul 2018
at the age of eleven
my very own grandmother
compared me to my sister
she told me
i was too fat
i was too loud
i was too talkative

i spent the past eleven years
making sure to
starve myself
always be quiet
to never speak my mind

i starved myself til
every single bone was visible
i shut my mouth
through every moment
of physical and emotional abuse
i agreed to everything everyone
picked out for me
never speaking up for myself

am i enough yet grandma?
Her Dec 2018
The beginning of 2018 I was struggling beyond words
I was struggling to get out of bed
I was struggling to find happiness within myself
I was struggling to eat a simple meal
2018 was the year I attempted to end everything
2018 was the year I sat in treatment in the hospital after a suicide attempt and opened up for the first time in my 21 years of life at the time
2018 was the year jersey shore medical saved my life and made me feel something again
2018 was the year I knocked down every wall I ever built since the age of 7
2018 is the year I went back and accepted the fact that I couldn’t save my 7 year old self no matter how much I wanted too
2018 is the year I rebuilt my life, making it more open and filled with scenery
2018 is the year I took my life back
2018 is the year I threw my emotions into writing
2018, you’ve been one hell of a chapter in this book, and my god I am so thankful it wasn’t the last chapter

2019 I’m ready for you baby
Her Nov 2018
at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to drink
at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to gamble


at the age of 21
i slashed
my wrists
at the age of 21
i tried playing
within traffic
at the age of 21
i was ready to
swallow all of my lexapro

at the age of 21
the monster came out
the memories flooded
my brain

after years and years
of keeping them hidden
beneath the cupboard
after years and years
of keeping them locked away
so that sunlight
would never ever
touch them

where they would
rot away
turn black
turn cold
where these memories
ate away at my skin
like leaches in the dark

i should have been free
i tried ending it all

i just want to feel again
Her Feb 2020
round and round
we all go

like lifeless teacups
at an abandoned amusement park

i am trying
to fake a smile
like everyone else

I want to scream
I want to run
I want to hide

why is everyone the same
why is no one laughing
why is this place so cold

why do I feel like i am dying
Her Feb 2018
when you are a little girl
they tell you
how to act
how to talk
how to smile
to always be forgiving

but how do we forgive
the man who couldn't help
but force his own body onto us
without consent

how do we stay quiet
and not speak up
when his fist meets our throat
and the bruises look of a
red and purple painting
mashed together with pain on our skin

i want to be like a vibrant watercolor painting
u n f o r g i v i n g
Her Dec 2019
you think i am
a woman who
is okay
with being left
in the dark

my my
are you

you think you can
hurt me
only i can
hurt me

    now stay the **** away
Her Mar 2018
i want the pain i carry inside
to bleed from the pen
instead of my wrists
i want the pain i carry inside
to turn emotions into words

i want the pain i carry inside
to bleed from my mouth
and fill the broken souls
who read my creations

i want to bleed from the inside out
Her Mar 2020
to be
gut wrenching

i do not
where to
even start
this piece

i am lost
i do not
which way
is up
which way
is down

i feel hurt

i am
from the
pain of my past

the cracks
within me
are starting
to crumble
once more

i am lost
i am breaking
i will rebuild
Her Jan 2018
you have showered my soul
with light
with love
with softness
with ease

always asking permission
always seeking to
make me laugh
to smile

and you do it every time
every **** time

you sit there knowing
i could have
thrown myself at any man
in the room
yet before i get a chance
you stop me

you stopped my numbness
this numbness i have had for years
thank you for making me feel
for showing me i am worth it
for showing me i can be soft
for showing me light
for showing me genuine true laughter
started out as my middle school crush and now we're here haha
Her Jul 2018
men have chased me
trying to get a touch
of my body and soul
for the last decade

they are storm chasers
trying to get a glimpse
of the wake of destruction
trying to feel something

yet all i ever do
is leave them before
they can even see me
all that is left for them

Her Apr 2018
at the age of 8
i was diagnosed
with celiac disease
gluten left holes within
my stomach
ulcers grew on the walls
and wreaked havoc
within my body

now at the age of 21
i consume gluten
without a second thought
leaving the pains within
feeling like death

it is kind of funny
in a way
as i am getting older
i am realizing

i've been eating gluten
these past few years
as a way of killing myself
as a way of letting all
of the darkness win

as a way of letting
myself feel pain
if not emotionally
than physically
Her Jan 2018
if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it cleanse my soul
of all the darkness
of all the pain

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will i be happier
will it fix the cracks within soul
and mend it all together

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it erase the bruises you left on my body
will it erase the emotional ones too
Her Nov 2018
i sit on the beach
as the rain comes down
from the sky onto my skin
for it to wash away
all this sadness
from within
Her Apr 2020
i dont know what to do.
i love him.
he has taught me so much about love.
about what i need in a partner.
about how i want to be treated.
he has taught me that i can trust.
he has taught me i can be soft.
he has held me in times where i was broken.
he has pieced me back together.
fragment by fragment.
he has supported me emotionally.
he has always made sure to communicate with me.

why am i feeling different now?
why does he keep saying he will try harder?
when he has not seen me in 3 weeks?
when we spent everyday together prior?
when he decides to be lazy?

i dont know what to do
i am crying
i am exhausted
i dont know what to do
Her Jun 2018
they tell me
i am so good
with words
that they melt
right onto the page
from my mouth

yet why is it

every time i
open my mouth
i never know the
right thing to say
or the right things to feel

i am trying to guess
what everyone
wants to hear
to give them
what they want

yet i never seem
to be successful enough
at that

only with a pen and paper
am i enough
because i am just me
not what everyone
wants me to be
Her Mar 2018
my old friend
turned lover
turned enemy

i have missed you
creeping up on me in the night
stealing my blankets

leaving me cold
in the middle of winter
where daylight savings
does not exist
and there is only you

Her Nov 2020
what you once thought was
people you could call family
people you felt safe around

turn their backs
shut you out
hush you
ban you
people who throw
you in the dark
and shut the door

throw me to the wolves baby
I’ll come back leading the pack
Her May 2018
the fear of emotion
got me here
walls white
like the movies
no sane soul in sight

the fear of emotion
got me here
my soul has
turned to stone
nothing hurts
me anymore

the fear of emotion
got me here
lifeless rotting away
at the core

i am ready for it all
to be over now

life without emotion
is not a life worth living
Her May 2020
i never really
believed in love
if we are being honest here
i only believed in two souls
connecting on this earth
to a certain point

but never true love
heart warming love
soft tender love

not until

you sat there with me
the first few months
of meeting
you sat on the side
of the road at 3 am
and hugged me

you told me
that no matter what
happened in this life
everything will be okay

call me stupid
but i realized the next morning
that is all i have ever wanted to hear
since i was 7 years old

that everything
was going to be okay

who would have thought
those 6 words would be
the key to open my      
                                         h e a r t
Her Jan 2018
for the first time
in 1,460 days
since i have laid eyes on you
i feel okay

i am standing on my own two feet
without you

i look around to find you
in the crowd
not out of excitement
but out of fear
of your fist finding my neck
once again

its like the weight of the world
has been lifted off my back
the weight of your world
has been lifted out of my life

i am free
never to be consumed by you

ever again
Her Mar 2018
when the ****
as a society
did we decide it was okay
to normalize and romanticize
being numb

i have done
more harm than good
by numbing my emotions
for the last 14 years

i have hurt friends and family
by numbing it all
but more importantly
i have hurt myself
by numbing it all

so as a society i say
we start saying this

**** the numbness

feel it all
feel every last bit of pain
feel every last bit of hurt
feel every last bit of anger
feel every last bit of happiness

you will flourish now darling
Her Jun 2020
i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l
Her Dec 2017
Do you have any idea

how you make me feel
how you make my soul feel
like it is finally home
after a long tiresome journey

a journey in which day felt like night
a journey where i was not sure
when i would reach the destination
or where the destination was exactly

but then you
oh you

the moment my soul felt yours
the moment our eyes met across the bar
i knew right then
right there

i was home

Her Mar 24
i feel pain
i feel hurt
i feel ******* betrayed

i feel like i wanna run away
i feel like i wanna shut off
i feel like i wanna forget everyone

i feel hollow
i feel numb


i feel fine
Her Feb 2018
if you take advantage
of someone's weaknesses

that is
n o t
Her Mar 2018
i hope one day
if not soon
you see that
her and i
do not have the same
hair color
skin color
eye color

my name is mine
and hers is hers
we are different sizes
we have different voices
my history is more than a few
textbooks you receive throughout high school
where hers is just a chapter

she is easy you see
and me
well i am complicated
i am the destruction left in the wake
of when a hurricane and tsunami meet

please stay
even though i am rough
but know
i am not her
i am me
Her May 2018
i finally have everything
i have ever wanted
in a human

yet it does not feel enough

he is kind
he is caring
he is artistic
he is hard working
he puts in so much effort for me

yet he is not you
he will never be you
i know that
i understand that

but ****
this is so hard

i am petrified
i will never feel
the way you made me feel
Her Nov 2018
some days
i miss the psych ward
being away
from society
left with only
my demons

not being able
to be hurt by
anyone there

i wish
i could find
that comfortability
out in the real world
instead of hiding away
in these locked away rooms
i don't wanna leave
Her May 2020
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
Her Aug 2019
i don’t know if you know this
but i love you

i love you
with every ounce of my being
with every cell in my body

my 23 year old self trusts you
more than i’ve ever trusted a single soul
in my entire life

and i don’t think you understand how
******* scary that is for me
i shake at the thought of me really trusting you
i shake at the thought of me being with you
i shake at the thought of me hurting again
i shake at the thought of wanting more
i shake at being in love with you

because to be completely honest,
i’ve never had someone actually
care about me the way you do
i’ve never had someone care about me
more than you care about me
i’ve never had someone care about my safety more than me

i’m not use to this
what do i do
how do i learn to have a life no longer poisoned by my past
Her Dec 2017
i am lost
i am alone
i feel like im drowning
in a sea of emotions
yet i feel nothing

i watch as everyone around me
moves and bustles through life
while i stand here
time frozen
in this cold darkness

im trying to swim to the surface
every time i get close
i get dragged under
and more

im running out
of breathe now
i can feel my heart
beating fast
the pressure on my chest
is too much to bare

everything goes black
Her Jan 2018
tonight i showed
my friend all the pieces
i have written

my past
my present
my future
all of them

i dont know if she liked them
and in all honesty
i dont care
if she truly does

because i do
these are MY words
this is MY story

and no one
not even you
can take that
from me
Her Feb 2018
the moment a poet
falls in love with you

is the moment
you live

f o r e v e r
Her Mar 2018
there was a time
in my life
where i would go
to these populated bars
where it was packed
like a can of sardines
looking for someone
to numb the pain

when you enter
these bars and clubs
do you realize how
empty it actually is

how empty these souls are
how everyone here
is numbing something
running from something

a few hundred people
in a bar and
all i feel is lonelier than ever
i see through the *****

we're all lonely here
we're all running from something
Her Mar 2018
one of my earliest memories
is the day my grandmother
taught me how to float in the pool
it took me a few tries
before she let go of my body
above the water

she let me go
all on my own
without me even realizing

i remember looking over at her
and seeing her
great big smile
she then said to me

my girl
this is a life lesson
never believe that you need
to hold onto someone
to get things done
know that all you have is yourself
and know you are strong enough
to hold yourself up all on your own
Her Oct 2018
October tastes of deception
filled with empty hearts
and empty souls
looking for a place to call home

October tastes like a man
who is all bark
and absolutely no bite
trying to impress but doing less

October tastes like lies
fed from your mouth
tongues burning on my skin
leaving marks within the dark

October tastes like
everything you truly are
and nothing you think
you are from within
Her Aug 2018
i saw you
for the first time
in 4 months
you gave me
one of your great big hugs

i tried not to look into those blue eyes
i kept my eyes on the stage instead
in hopes i wouldnt feel anything

but the second i heard your voice
it shook my heart back alive
it shook my heart into beating again

and everything came rushing back
Her Mar 2020
sitting here
in the rain
trying to
keep myself

thinking of
all the lies
you fed me
from the palm
of your hand

thinking of
the broken promises
you had no problem
washing away

thinking of
all of the pain
you have sent me
away with

thinking of
how you can not
even bring yourself
to say

i'm sorry
Her Jan 2019
dear grandma

it has been a year and a half
since you left
i am so lost
i am so lost

im empty
im numb
i can barley cry anymore

i just really miss you

miss our girls sleepovers
miss running away from lifes problems
hiding away at your house

you always knew when i was starving
you always knew how to get me to eat
you always knew how to make me feel better
you always knew how to make me laugh

you were the only one who really knew who i was
even when i did not know who i was

i miss you

visit me soon
Her Dec 2019
i am
sick and tired
of being left
of not being enough
of ******* hurting
so badly i bleed
out of my hands and throat

i am
sick and tired
of false hope
of telling myself
everything will be okay

i think i'll turn
to the dark side
for a bit
maybe happiness
just is not meant for me
in this lifetime
and i give up

            t r y i n g
            to fight for it
Her Jun 2018
love does not hurt
love does not paint your body
into a mural of blues and purple
love does not raise his hands in anger
love does not use your weakness against you
love does not scare you into making choices
love does not isolate you from your
friends and family members
love is not you, John
Her Aug 2019
i think i love him
even when
he gaslights me
into believing what he believes

i think i love him
even when
he gets so drunk
he can’t remember what happened the night before

i think i love him
even when
he moans another woman’s name during ***

i think i love him
even when
he raises his hand to my face

i thought i loved him
but it was all in my head
Her Aug 2018
i wish vampires were real
so they could ****
every last ounce of your love
from my body and soul
Her Aug 2018
i caught my father
cheating on my mother
the woman who picked
him up time and time again
the woman who raised
his three children
the woman who nursed
his open wounds

how am i suppose to forgive
or trust this man

when i am his blood
when i am his eyes
when i am his nose

i hate this body
get me the **** out
Her Oct 2018
i wish i could
make these thoughts stop
i wish i could
feel something again

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the slightest bit
of vulnerability

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the recurring nightmares
that haunt my brain

the nightmares
the flashbacks
it all hurts

how do i make it stop
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