Wishing for a safety net.
So many scary memories she hopes she'll forget.
________

Daddy's always working - never around.
When mommy's here: Shh! She dare not make an unpermitted sound.

All too often she wakes with a start.
BANG! "AH!" Like a defibrillator shocking her heart.

Bedroom door rebounds off the wall.
Under the covers she tries to crawl.

I mustn't move. Have to keep still.
Please leave. Please leave. She prays that she will.

"Where's Mommys' girl? Hmm? My little star?"
The sheets are slowly withdrawn.
"There you are!"
That tone of voice makes her wish that she was never born.

True love and beauty can rarely be fully expressed.
This point I believe, must be stressed.

How can one put such purity into words? I shall try my very best.

The aching inside of my heart which she is responsible for.
I want it, more and more.

This pain, I need it. I never thought it'd feel this good to be this?...Sore.

I go back and forth.
My world's always turning, tilting. Its poles constantly changing positions South becomes North.

I never honestly know.
What to look for or where to go.
I wish for a sign to show.
They've said: "Find your path."
Well, I'm trying to but I'm sure that whichever one I choose to follow, I will encounter someones' wrath.

Two shots fired. Pop, pop Everything slows.
I can feel my heartbeat throughout my entire body, everywhere, right down to my toes.

Tell me, have you seen a bullet penetrate the skin? Rip through flesh?
I hope for your sake that your answer is no. One push and one release. Crimson liquid. Flowing fast So bright, so fresh.

Smell the iron. Its scent: rich and thick.
How would I describe it consistency? Slick.

Yourdestiny. Choose it.
Your** voice. Use it.
Your mind. Feel free to lose it.

Silence, as you stand in the doorway. 
Your lip trembles, scared that your voice may betray.
As you step toward me, it looks as if you’re a little off-balance. Your body starts to sway.

Once you’re beside me. Whatever it was that you were attempting to keep at bay. You can no longer, your frame simply gives way.
You’re stripped bare. Everything else falls away.

When you cry. It’s more like half of a growl and half sobbing-howl.

After what seems like a small infinity.
You ask quietly me.
“How long?”
Now, I know exactly what’s wrong.
I can’t answer in time, so you inquire again.
But this time you sound somewhere between the ages of five and ten.

It is my turn to struggle to speak.
My reply is so tiny, so meek.
“S-six weeks.”
You're in tears once more. Rivers slide down your cheeks.

“Oh Lindsay. Baby, stop.” I gently chastise.
Softly kissing you on the forehead. I wish to never again to see such deep sorrow swimming within your gorgeous blue eyes.

My chest seems to have gotten a lot tighter.
How could I have not noticed your side of the bed getting lighter.

Panic floods my body, instantly.
This reaction is unfortunately instinctive for me.

I turn suddenly, my eyes then lock onto your frame.
Yes, it is indeed you. But your outward appearance is not the same.

You are bathed from head to toe.
In The Moons' shimmering, blue glow.
You must've just exited our en suite. 
You're smiling at me now, moving slow.
I hear the faint sound of pearling skin - the movement of feet.

Soon, I am once again, encased tightly within your arms.
And my internal sea of fear rapidly calms. 

"Hey Monkey, no worries. Back to sleep. Count me some sheep."
Slowly but surely my begin to close.
According to my love, I made; "Not a peep."
Well, that's until morn when The Sun rose.

You hurt her? Well then you have also hurt me.
Were you even aware of the damage that you caused? Its extent? Its degree?

You were supposed to love her! Caress her with your every touch!
But in fact your actions differed, very much!

I do not know you personally and you know what?! I do not wish to either.
I see you as nothing more than a sorry excuse for a human being, you pathetic mouth breather.

Does she forgive?
It would not surprise me if the answer to this question is yes.
But with the horrific memories she has to live.
Do negative feelings directed towards herself still lie within? To this day are you prolonging her sense of distress?
You can only surmise and guess.

Lucky for you, she does not seem to be the type to hold a grudge.
Maybe she would prefer to just let God be the one who must judge.

I am struck your powerful gaze.
It is alight; a roaring blaze.

Passion, hunger, and want these are the reasons behind the flame.
You swoop me up into your arms so quickly that I am unable to calm my still shaking frame.
For these tremors you are the cause.
But who I am to place blame?
I am instead silently, in my head, giving you a furious round of applause.
Everything is moving so fast.
But I know, deep within my chaotically beating heart, the impact of this moment will forever last.

Hot open mouthed kisses, you place down my neck, in a sloppy trail.
At a painstaking slow pace. One that I can only liken to a snail. 

My skin is on fire. 
But this is much more than pure desire. 
Or lust.
The driving force behind this is the element of trust.
Some may believe me, others may not but I believe that the key component of our relationship will never rust.

"I am yours and you are mine."
With that statement continually being reinforced, all clothing has been removed allowing us to now gently recline.....
Simply divine.
The dance that allows feelings to collide as limbs intertwine.

Behind my eyes, I can picture shooting stars.
"Come on baby, sing me a few bars?"

I try my best to honour your request.

But all that I can muster is a powerful but equally as pleasurable scream......
I snap open my eyes. Just a dream?
At first thought it did seem so.
Then I feel you beside me, closely you lean, "Hello."
You ever so quietly greet.
Your hand moves slowly lower to where I am radiating quite a lot of heat.
Your technique is haphazard and frantic, anything but discreet.

You pick up speed.
Making me whimper with need.

The pressure rises within my blood.
My pleasure reaches its peak, triggering a flood.
While I'm still coming down from my high.
You run a finger along the inside of my right thigh.
I buck my hips.
As your lubricated finger ends up being housed betwen your lips.
"Mmm........Finger licking good." You whisper while at the same time tweaking my overly stimulated bud.
I shudder as you start to once again, make my heart thud.
You are my Love Stud.

My determination, my resolve.
They have both all but disintegrated. It seems that it is always the case when I need them the most this when they dissolve.

If these attributes were physical masses that could crumble similar to dust or powder.
I get the feeling that I would somehow accumulate more each time I screamed, louder and louder.

People always tell me to stay calm, think twice.
And please believe me when I say that I do listen to their advice.
Being this confused and disorientated all the time is far from nice.

I am perplexed with myself.
Maybe next they will begin to assess or evaluate my mental health.

HaHa, I can see it now. It will most likely start with the obvious  and yet highly irritating question; "How do you feel?"
My automatic and by my normal standards extremely undignified reply; "Pfft! Are you for real?"
Then at the end of that rather hostile, exchange. Up shoots a wall.
And I can not for the life of me, see how people consider this an effective way to heal.
I have never imagined feeling that small.

Case and point: Nobody can or will understand.
Because? They can never know my experiences firsthand.

So, in conclusion I will now and forever remain an enigma.
To some people perhaps I am the personification of the stigma.

"The sky is blue, the sun is yellow.
I just thought I would stop by and say hello."

She laughs, I grin.
Both of us spreading happiness within.
You see, when it is just us, nothing is ever awkward or uneasy.
In fact, most of the time it is funny and incredibly cheesy.

I think if we both had our way.
We would just talk to each other throughout every hour of the day.
We would never get bored, I think that is safe to say.
I hope that this is the way it will stay.

What we have well, it is hard to explain.
And I think that's the way it will remain.
"Hey! You hear that Sam? An air of mystery we have somehow managed to create and maintain."

She calls me her 'Little One.'
And let me tell you, I consider this a huge privilege. I think it is the best prize that I have ever won.
Without a doubt! Bar none!

She is an amazing writer.
A Little One delighter.
And a kick *** demon fighter
When she appears my day gets so much brighter.

Her name, I have discovered, can be used as an acronym for the phrase; Sun And Moon.
When was I hit by this new revelation? Why some day during this week, maybe late afternoon.
I think that it is almost, if not, the perfect way to define what she honestly means to me. Oh how I love my nonbiological big sister; the awesome loon! :D
Seriously! I mean it guys, she is killer! Whackier than the best possible cartoon!
I can tell you guys this one thing.
When she gave me my nickname.
I felt so high, like I was standing on the tip of an inflight airplane wing. 
With a smile that just might put the Cheshire Cats' to shame.
So happy that I wanted to sing.
My heat nearly burst, as if it was an overinflated hot air balloon.

Today, November 18th is the date that springs to mind.
That was the day that I could only see you. To everything else I had become temporarily blind.

I walked into that room.
Now, to be fair, when I first saw you it didn't hit me like some kind of sonic boom.

Our eyes only met fleetingly, maybe just for a second.
But from the moment that my peripheral vision returned. It was as if I felt drawn to you. Something was calling me, I was being beckoned.

And then there was your note.
Simple and short. But it somehow still has the ability to make my breath hitch in the back of my throat.
When we're together I feel so light, so carefree.
That if you were to let go of me....
I would begin to slowly float.

I still can't believe my luck.
Gold, I have surely struck?

So much I want to say.
But I know your response: "Shh Monkey, I know. Okay?"
When I'm with you, time, well it just melts away.

They don't understand.
How much it means to me, to just be able to hold your hand.

To lay with you.
To 'waste' the day with you.

Love, before you, I knew not.
I thought misery was to be my lot.
But as it turns out, I've found the end of my rainbow. And I'm ecstatic to know that you are the contents of my little black ***.

The fragility of life is often easy to forget.
A lot of people constantly refuse to see life that way.
Or at least until their final day.
Where they may find themselves being struck by the thought:I'm not ready to leave, not now, not yet.

Everyday each one of us will face battles that need to be fought.
The value of ones' life is a lesson that should always be taught.

People seem to think that I am attached to a bungee jumping cord.
And for those of you who wish to, you can put this on record.

They say: "She's strong, she'll bounce back."
But I would disagree.
My 'cord' must be losing its elasticity.
I've lost all of my momentum. The rope has gone completely slack.

So, here I dangle.
Life doesn't look great from this angle.

Words are my sword.
Out my heart will be poured.
With your thoughts and/or comments my poetic skill will be scored.

So go ahead and read my pieces, if that is your intent.
But be warned, even I never really know what my brain will invent.

You know that a song is good when you remember it after all these years. 
When those notes hit your ears.
And they still bring you to tears.

The tune seeps into every single pore.
Once again triggering a memory, opening a door.
Moving you to your very core.
The words still hold their original message and yet somehow..
Now...
They mean so much more.

Deeply, I tremble.
Courage, I must try to assemble.

Limbs shake.
My stomach does so quake.
Calming breaths, I attempt to take.

I scold myself, thinking: Come on girl, get a ******* grip!
Feeling yet another crack of the whip…..
Hold it in! I beg to myself, biting my lip.
But from my eye one tear manages to slip.

Block out all of the light.
Holding on so tight.
I try to **** every instinct especially the one calling for me to fight.  

THWACK!
A gut-wrenching scream I cannot hold back…
The edges of my vison are now framed in black…

Not long now, I’ll be away from this
My last thought as I slowly sink into the abyss.

He asks me: "Hey kid, you alright?"
But I don't reply, wishing to be hypnotised by the firelight.

I crave the heat.
Nothing can ever compete.
He moves over to me and takes the empty seat.

"Shouldn't you be tucked up in bed? It's late."
The answer I do not need to contemplate.
"No."
My voice is firm, irritated and low.
"It can be dangerous out here at night y'know?"

"No ****." I spit.
I turn away slightly, running a hand through my hair.
"What's that you got there?"
He questions, probably referring to the scar on my wrist.
"Why do you care?" I retort, steadily getting more and more ******.

"Okay..So I'm guessing that you're not the sharing type?"
"Nah, I don't believe the hype."
He laughs and grins at me.
"Where is she?"
"What? Who?"
"The other one that always runs with you."

"She's de-...She's not here." I say thickly, trying to focus solely on the flame.
"Oh, I'm sorry dear. That's such a shame...Went by  Zoe, am I right?"
I am lost for words. How the **** does this man know my sisters' name?!
"Normally, I could see you two passing by, almost every night."
"Ha!" I scoff. "Stalker."
"Oh, okay I get ya. So that would make you 'The Midnight Walker'?"

I try-and fail-to hide my growing smile. "Well, who knew my newly acquired creep could be funny."
"Oh I'll have you know I'm just full of jokes honey."

I rise to my feet.
And that is when, for the first time, our eyes fully meet.
That's when he says: "I'll pray for you...and her."
My words stick a little: "Th-thank you sir."

I take three steps. "Kid? We're all safe in the hands of God..."
All I can do is nod.

She.
Told.
One.
Person.
_________

They promised to keep their lips sealed.
Somehow her secret was still revealed.
________

The hallway divides.
People starring, lining both sides.
*No! No! No!*
She needs to move, to disappear, to leave, she's screaming to herself: *Go! Go! Go!*
________

***** ****, **** ****, ****....They know! They know! They know!*
She's crying now, her tears are set to full flow.
_________

'You're only as sick as the secrets you keep.' Yeah, that rings a bell.
You're only as sick as the secrets you tell.
Now that one applies as well.

Night, darkness is here.
The sky is calm and clear.

This is when thoughts drift up to the place where earlier, one might have seen cloud.

It is when many connect with our Father, voicing their love aloud.

Please just listen and listen close.
All I am asking for is just one single, extra dose.

Please for the love of God, just give it to me, I don't care how.
I need it now!

See, you are the only ones that hold the key.
You are the only ones that can relieve the relentless pain inside of me.
All you need to do is stick me with a fully loaded needle or hook me up to an IV.
Should I lower myself to my knees maybe?

*******! You have all the appropriate tools!
Do not even try to come up with some stupid excuse like; "Oh I am sorry miss, I can't, that would be against program rules."

It is too much to bare.
This just plain isn't fair.

Please! Someone help me to survive this war!
I cannot fight it alone anymore.

The darkness is calling, calling, calling.
As I am slowly falling, falling, falling.

Hope.
We all need this. For many it seems to be the only way that they can cope.

It pushes us through the dark, helps us to see the light.
It coddles us when we are scared at night.
It is the beacon that we are always aiming for, big and bright. 

Sometimes you may feel that it is shrinking, this is only a natural way of thinking.
But the thing you must try to keep in mind is that so is a renewable source.
An unstoppable force.

It will continually regrow.
You may ask me how but my answer is always simple: "I do not know."

It's just a feeling.
That aids human healing.
It is the medicine that I find most appealing.

Happiness is what they all seek.
Week after week.

But not me, no.
I carry happiness with me, everywhere I go.

The ones that I love, I keep in my back pocket.
Well, except when my cell is hooked up to its charger via the wall socket.

So while they continue on their recurring quest.
My happiness spreads through me, warmth filling the ***** that lives in my chest

I am laying on my bed trying to blink away tears.
While you are probably out at some house party sinking numerous beers.

I should hate you.
But what good will that do?

Watching people fall apart.
Repeatedly breaking someones' heart.

I am a fool.
You used my trust as your primary tool.

I asked you why.
In response? A harsh laugh that was also dry.
Followed by a shrug. You chose then to be honest? It would have been kinder for you to lie.

I have always hoped to find the good inside.
But because of you that wish has died.
Have you committed emotional homicide?

I am dead.
Your satisfaction is complete.
Your manipulation classification? Elite.
You have shown no remorse for what you did or said.
This is it. I cannot go on. I give up  I admit defeat. 

I have been destroyed.
Cruel tactics were deployed. 
My downfall you have openly enjoyed.

So you go ahead and make a toast.
But no matter how hard you try to forget, I am now and will forever be your ghost.

My blood is now running cold, like a newly thawed river.
Down my spine a huge shiver.

This whole situation is is beyond strange.
How can someone suddenly have such a drastic personality change.

Something like this cannot just happen over night.
So when? I ask myself. Over the years we have barely been out of each others sight.. How could I have not noticed? Were the alterations simply that slight?

A body looms above.
The one formally known as my first love.

Her breath hitting the shell of my ear.
She speak fast, lips near.

Her words, for whatever reason I cannot figure.
A targeted touch sets off a trigger.
Her face lights up and she does not even attempt to conceal a snigger.

Held here against my will.
Just so she can live out some kind of twisted thrill.
A waterfall of tears begins to spill.
The glint in her eye makes me feel awfully ill.

Has the girl I once knew gone? Leaving behind memories as faint as a ghost?
Is the devil now using her as a host?

You are all I want, all I need.
I swear, I will beg, I will cry, I will plead!
Please?!.......Just take the lead!
.........Make me weep until my eyes bleed!

I can not proceed in such a fashion.
I long...
For your care and compassion.
I can still hear it, it is our love; its song.

I wish to never forget this tune.
If I ever do, God forbid, it will be too soon.

Hey, do you remember the night I caught you staring at the moon?
You turned and found my eyes.
"Oh why hello Beautiful, won't you join me? Hmmm...? I am watching the night skies."
"I will...Can you- I mean please..Be my spoon?"

With you? Us? Being as close as this?
I am sure that I have said before that It is all just a constant sense of pure bliss.

I want you always.
I am eternally grateful that our paths became crossed.
If they had not I would still be lost.
I love these days........

.........When you slip effortlessly into your dominant role.
When I relinquish all my power. Giving you complete control.

Take me.
Shake me.
Get me all worked up just so you can break me.

I have aspired to perform on stage.
This I discovered that a very young age.

Inhale, exhale.
Step out, into the spotlight.
Multiple times in a week. Night after night.
Nerves try to overtake but once again, as the curtain is lifted.
Reality, it seems to have drifted.
Somehow each and every time that I fear that I may fail.
The music starts to swell.
The final notes, I nail.
I think to myself: That went rather well.
I can honestly say the feelings of overriding happiness and pride always come flooding back when I prevail.

I wish with rapidly increasing frequency that I could stay securely within the parameters of my fantasy bubble.
So I could be safe. Far away from the terror and trouble.

When the roar of the crowd stops.
My heart drops.

Many people believe that my attitude when I am not in character incredibly annoying.
The reason for this is probably because I find my normal life soul destroying.

Speak not child, hold your tongue.
This is often how my nights begun.
The injuries? Well, they varied. Depending on what had transpired. A sprained wrist? A broken arm? A bruised lung?

Fight back? I sure as hell did try. But sooner or later my body would succumb. 
That night my pain receptors and nerve endings must have shut down. I then felt nothing; numb.

At first it felt like a Godsend.
I thought foolishly, that everything would stop. That from that moment on I would not have to pretend.
But alas it is yet to come to an end.
My emotional wounds still have not been able to mend.

Oh I am so desperately alone.
I want more than anything else in the whole wide world for my pain, anguish and confusion to be known.
I am so very tired. I greatly doubt that I will be able to continue this fight on my own.

I cannot take another second. None.
I must run.

And take my final leap.
Landing in a heap.
At last I can peacefully sleep

Sitting here, pen in hand.
Waiting for my next idea to land.

Pictures and moments flying around my mind.
And now their true emphasis has weakened; split, only leaving shards and fragments behind.

Then crash, an idea hits.
For a while, it simmers, it sits.

All of a sudden, my thoughts take a turn.
All new routes, I try to learn.
I endeavour to permanently mark or burn.
Everything that enters, I wish to keep; I yearn.

And yet. 
Sadly, it is almost inevitable or unavoidable that the human mind will deteriorate.
Forget.
While the other faculties may, at present remain unaffected the loss of this once automatic function is bound to frustrate.
Day-to-day life, it does now only serve to complicate.
To infuriate.

Every day a heavy sigh.
I do so deeply cry.
"Why?! Oh why?!"
So cruel of fate to deny.
It no longer seems to matter how hard I try.

Kiss me slow, kiss me deep
Kiss me until we fall asleep.
Your kiss, it encases so much passion it makes me weep.

Being with you, it is indescribable; impossible to put into words.
It is indeed far sweeter than the song of the birds.

It is my safety, it is my haven.
And you? You are my black haired raven.

You are to me, the sole embodiment of strength, of power.
You are always there, by my side hour after hour.

I am continually in awe.
Always needing more.

To be forever held within your clutches.
Even if it is just the smallest of touches.

Continuous physical contact that is what I crave.
When there is distance between us, I can still hear your voice, it tells me; "Be strong, I know you are incredibly brave."

You have shown me unwavering support and belief.
You have been there through a lot of my heartache, my grief.
To know that you are and always will be my constant, that is a tremendous relief.

Inside me there lives an urge.
The human equivalent of a power surge.
I have no control over when it chooses to emerge. 

When it rears its head.
Well, people have often said that ones' temperament changes its shade.
Outsiders and onlookers should be very afraid.
"Its color?" I hear you ask; red. 

There is a transition that takes place: I see a mist.
That is impossible to resist.

It descends and sits just in front of my eyes.
This can lead to someones' demise
I thrive.
Upon my victims strangled cries.
Negativity and depressive thoughts always make me feel alive.
I love to torment and terrorize.
If torture were to become a competitive sport, I know that I would win first prize.
Screams and howls; these are my glistening moon, my burning sunrise.

I long to cause immense pain.
To create what I hope will be an everlasting blood stain.
Each and every time for my own selfish gain.

Being away.
It matters not the specific amount of time.
Constantly I wish that you could just always stay. 
Previously feelings of distress and desperation; the rhyme.

HaHa, I am actually surprised that I have not made a shrine.
Although maybe I should have, to help stabilize my emotions; keep them level; in line.

I'm busy tidying my friends' house.
As quiet as a mouse.

The doorbell rings.
The short tune, it sings.

I quickly glide across the freshly cleaned floor.
Drawing back the door.

"Hey!"
"You?...I?....Here?.....AH!......NOWAY! NOWAY! NOWA­Y!"
Despite my best efforts to self-compose.
I cannot keep the repeating chant at bay.
And judging by the look on your face, it shows.

"HaHa. So Spider Monkey, can I come in or should I just stand out here and let my body decay?"
I pull you over the threshold without delay.
"Whoa! So, I'm guessing that you missed me? Is that safe to say?"
"Hmm?...Let me think...Only more and more with each passing day!!"

Speedy, nimble, aloof.
Little trace, no track, no solid proof.

Watch your back.
Who will be the subject of the next attack?
He has a particular knack.

A certain flare.
Loves to scare.
You can never over prepare.
You must always remain aware.
Because Lord knows he does not care.
You turn around; he is there.
You turn again; ****! ****! Where?!

Attempt to out smart?
You could try.
But I am not going to lie.
Either way you are going to die.
He is a master of his craft. What he does, he considers it an art.
The impact? Its scale? Off the chart!
Seriously, I would not even know...how to start...
The lives, the families; so many torn apart.

To find a fresh heart?

He must tear the human body asunder.
This spirit; he hides among the thunder.

Hear it chime?
Only a limited amount of time...

See, no one really wants to know the truth.
Parents like to pretend that their family is lovely, maybe even verging on sappy.
And that everything is oh so happy-clappy.
Nobody shows an interest in the overly-quiet child, they know not of her tortured youth.

Hugs and kisses, rare.
Broken bones and squashed wishes, that is how they show that they care.

Any doctor or paediatric psychiatrist will tell you, that a child at several junctions, while growing up, craves attention.
Was it beyond the comprehension?

Mommy and Daddy just get annoyed.
So, a sad little eight year old has to find something to fill the void.

One day that shiny metal catches her eye.
Drawn to it, almost as if she were a magpie.

Trust me people, something like this does not happen when one is simply bored.
Destructive behaviours such as these, usually strike when a person believes that something within themselves is fundamentally flawed.

The repetitive action of causing friction.
It soon becomes some form of a compulsion and/or an addiction.
Encounters with Mr Knife...
Become part of normal life.

One call.
And the house phone is angrily yanked from the foyer wall.

We all pile into the car.
Daddy's driving so fast it is, at times, hard to tell where we are.
Once we do stop; "Er...Daddy?" I ask. "Why are we at the ER?"

No reply. Mommy just grabs me roughly by the arm. Pulling me swiftly from my seat.
Not really giving me any time to properly stand steady upon my feet.

My little mind races.
It wasn't until later that I understood the concerned looks that graced their faces.

Why are they in such a big hurry?
With that thought I start to worry.

Daddy and Mommy quickly reach the reception.
Question after question. Command after command.
All responses, almost expertly vague. Are these nurses masters of deception?
The tension; I I'm barely able to withstand.
Then, some time later Daddy takes me gently by the hand.

Still struggling to keep up, I ponder aloud; "Daddy, what's the rush?"
"Baby girl please, not now. Just follow me and hush."

We reach a door.
Little did I know what lay beyond, what was in store.

We enter a room.
To the occupant in the bed, my eyes instantly zoom.

"Zoe!! Sis!"
"Hey Angel!" You greet, beckoning me to come further in.
I'm unsure, you break out into huge grin.
You attempt to sit up, from your lips escapes a dreadfully painful hiss.
"So l-little miss, do you think that you can give me a kiss?"
 
A peck.
In no less than 1 hour and 46 minutes each of my parents could be classed as an emotional wreck.

At 11:39 PM, Zoe; she was chosen.
Leaving me............................Frozen.

All thoughts, a blur.
A string of words, a nonsensical slur.

Nothing is straightforward or simple.
Because all I keep seeing are those deep blue orbs, oh and that gorgeous dimple.

I miss you more and more each day.
I miss how you would just lean against my door and then announce your presence with a soft: "Hey."

I miss waking up in your secure hold.
Sheltering me from the cold.

I miss the many ways in which you could make me giggle.
Especially that silly eyebrow wiggle.

I miss our late night convocations.
These usually included you smiling and laughing at my long-winded explanations.

I miss watching you think.
Being apart, it just makes my heart want to sink
I can't stop re-reading the first note that you wrote, my fingertip tracing the dried pen link.

It reads: Hi I'm Lindsay,
              I'm in 26B.
              If you ever need something or just want to talk, please   
              come and find me. ***

I hate this state of unwanted separation.
It makes me feel so helpless. My current and on-going mood; desperation.

She will astound.
She will amaze.
Her thought process is more often than not unique and profound.
We have been in near-constant contact for hundreds of days.

One email; complementing an author for writing a truly wonderful work of fiction.
Has become so much more. I certainly didn’t foresee. I doubt anyone could have, well not without assistance, perhaps a psychic prediction.

I find it immensely difficult to verbalize, even now.  
And I feel that I must...Just….Hmmm…How?

We have talked for hours on end, about any and all things.
Who knew?
But what I write is true.
An unbreakable bond we have. With the clicking of a Send button, that is how I say it begins.

Her voice at times, is the only thing that allows me to regain or maintain my focus.
No amount of medication, therapy or any other kumbaya related hokus pokus.

She is always reminding me that I have, and can find inner strength and powers.
Countless times, she has been the reason for me not to yield.
She has saved me in my darkest of hours.
She is my shield.

Silence scares me.
For many, it enables them to feel free.
Not me.
It makes me want to flee.

Noise is my cover, it enables me to hide from all around.
In its din, refuge, I have found.
I can listen to any noise, varying in volume. Sound.

It is my truest friend.
With sound I do not have to pretend.

If the melodies cease.
My anxiety is sure to increase.

The continuity of a sound wave.
This is when you can be sure that my mind will behave.
To any tune you could say that I am a slave.

If I do not have some form of music or backing track. 
Self esteem, confidence and control you'll find I will lack.
I may become uncharacteristically nervous; always looking back.

Music enables me to come out of my shell. 
Transporting from my internal, mental and emotional hell.

If my playlist is on, of my problems you will most likely be unaware.
I would appear outwardly, to be a normal person without a care.
If it is turned off, I would be virtually incoherent maybe even pulling out my hair.
And human contact, WHOA! NO! I simply could not bear.
As long as I'm sitting atop my sound cloud I am happy there.

Love knows no gender.
If Cupids' arrow does strike you will no choice but to surrender.

Love knows no race.
It pays no heed to the color of your face.

Love knows no bounds.
It can often engulf the people that it surrounds.

We have all, that some point opened our hearts.
We are all at risk of being hit by one the angel-winged baby's darts.
That is how some pairs will tell people that this is how a loving relationship starts.

Some believe they are sure to find.
Other, feel they have been regularly denied.

The feelings that love brings are intense.
For which many hold up little or no defence.

Love does not see imperfections.
It just strives to reach one goal; to seek a mate for one's soul.
Forming pure, honest, and unbreakable connections.

Love, at times can be hard for some to define or express.
True? Hundreds will say: "Yes."
Why not just simplify. With the definition below you could have a lot of success.

Love is??????????
..................Love!!! <3

Hi, I go by the name Lock&Ke;; #1139. I don't think I need to tell you that I like to read in my spare time.
As you will see I also like to rhyme.

To just simply say that I love to read.
Well that would be a very big understatement indeed.

Reading allows me to escape.
I always find It amazing that every authors' stories can be started by a single idea or prompt and then somehow a whole universe can begin to take shape.

I have never been all that good at describing or talking about myself.
To tell you the truth I'd far rather be immersed in cyberspaces' version of the traditional bookshelf.

My "friends" often refer to me as a "Computer Nerd"
I am most certainly not what I hear some people being called a "Social Sheep." If I ever have been, (highly improbable) I think I've now become detached from the "Herd."
And yes I know it's commonly known as a flock, I just wanted it to fit. Is that so absurd?

I have never belonged to any specific club, society or click.
I how can I when I'm a wanna-be Broadway or West End actress / world renowned pianist / punk band drummer chick.

Someone once called me a square peg in a round hole.
Or to use a different  analogy, socializing for me is like that first walk for newborn foal.

Meeting new people, I don't cope with well. 
From these examples you may be able to tell.

"God! You're such a freak!"
"Excuse me?! Did I give you permission to speak?!"
Y'know somethin'? You've just got one of those faces I wanna hit!"
"Hey Loser! Guess what, no-one gives a ****!"

So yeah, y'all now know why I love to read.
It makes me feel as if my soul has been freed.

After spending a few hours trying to fulfil a mountainous list of chores.
I finally arrive back at the apartment block, stepping into the elevator, only just beating the partially closed doors.
I emerge moments later, having travelled past all the other floors.

I enter our abode.
Something is different, what exactly I know not so I instinctively switch into my detective mode.

I am searching through everything slowly, carefully and systematically.
Then my head turns automatically.

That sound??? I think to myself. For a millisecond I am stood still, bolt straight.
Trying to adjust to my now hammering heart rate.

My feet start to move, quickening with every pace.
The look on my face.....
Shock. It's phase and or status: undeniable.
So much so that my balance is now very unreliable.

I have found the sounds source.
It emanates from you. *You-I mean OH!-you're p-pleasuring yourself whilst sitting naked upon a rocking horse.

Someone has called my creativity into question.
Frankly I am dismayed at the mere suggestion.

I can barely concentrate.
I am beyond irate!

How can you even ******* dare?!
Who are you?
Some narrow-minded ***** or ******* with your nose in the air?
I post what I write to share. It is my choice, my god given right
no-one and I mean NO-ONE will ever tell me what I can or cannot do!

Since when was using my imagination a crime?!
Please feel free to tell me, I'll make the time.

I'll listen to your point of view.
And if it's needed I will give credit where credit is due.

Characterisation, creating a sense of fascination.
Making you stop, think, pause even just a momentary hesitation.

Wonder, frustration, happiness, anger and more. The whole emotional range.
You may find the experience unfamiliar, alien or strange.

True poetry is not restrictive.
Many can find the act of reading it quite addictive.

Poetry is unique to each and every reader.
No single person's opinion can enable them to be given the title of "Leader."

Love can be kind.
Love can be blind.
Love can sneak up on you, catching you from behind.
Love often begins it's life as a collection of images and thoughts that flirt within the human mind.

Love can be big. It can be small.
Love can make you feel ten feet tall.
To others love can sometimes appear to be invisible. Nothing between the duo at all.

Love can be full of hurt and pain.
Leaving one or even both parties with horrible sensations some similar to being hit by a train.

Love for some is seen as a game.
Playing with people's hearts fills them with joy.
Not a shred of shame.
Treating you like a rag doll toy.

Love can be soft.
Making you feel as if you are being held aloft.
Like the well known fictitious lion cub
Or that you are a member of a very exclusive club.

Love can be tough.
The journey can be rough.
At some point you may find yourself asking, "I'm am doing enough?"

Love can be so many things.
But there is one thing I know for certain, love will always pluck our heart strings.

Who am I? Who am I?
A question I always find myself asking and yet I have no idea why.
Almost as if I expect the answer to fall right out of the sky.

But seriously, do you know who I am?
I pretend that I don't give a ****.
When really it's an act; a sham.

Feeling like you do not fit.
Honestly it feels like pure ****.

I don't fit into society's giant puzzle.
If my opinion is outside the majority, well let me put it this way, if I were a dog they would force upon me a muzzle.

Freedom of expression.
Really? I think they mean repression.

Do this! Do that!
She's too thin! He's too fat!
He must go here! Now put her there!

All we seem to receive are your endless commands.
Expected to follow at clicking of your fingers or the clapping of your hands.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe we have other plans?

Have you turned me into some kind of drone?
Is my mind no longer my own?
Are my individual and unique thoughts not allowed to be known?
Somehow this hierarchy needs to be overthrown. 
We need to let our shining personalities be shown.

Celebrate Individualism!
Let us express, share and have optimism!
And even scepticism!

Being ourselves is a basic human right!
Thank you and good night!

Kick, punch, slap!!
Why do I always fall into this trap?

One minute everything is civil and nice. 
Next a glare....As cold as ice.
Every day is different, A chance, a gamble. Like rolling dice.

It's like walking on egg shells.
Your mood changes, it has fits and spells.

As nice as pie...
Then boom!! I have a new black eye.

Always tread lightly.
Only moving slightly.

Inch by inch.
Sometimes if I'm lucky I escape with something minor, maybe a graze or a pinch.
You love me, you say.
I know but I get scared by your "Physical Affection Display."

Yet again you have that itch.
Everything goes form "Yeah sure Sweet-pea." to "YOU *****!"
Deceitful, conniving and misleading.
Leaving me; coughing, wincing and bleeding.

I attempt to make a desperate dash.
But you're right there again, quick as a flash.

You feed off of my undiluted fear.
Something akin to a terrified baby dear.

Pinned between you and my door.
I'm knocked abruptly to the floor.
The blows continue. Several dozen more.
Paired with an announcement of a "Personality flaw."

My throat: constricting.
Due to the pain that you are inflicting.

Before I've tried to object.
Old and faded bruises. I have been given, my prompt to pause and reflect.

These "Special Gifts" I wish to return.
"Oh pumpkin, Mama is just helping you Live, Love and Learn."

You get up, heading to leave. 
Then you feel that familiar tug upon your sleeve.

At this all your actions halt with ease. 
You freeze.

“Please......?”

One word and you retreat. 
Slowly reversing the direction of your feet.

At once you turn on the spot. Oh God!....Mmm…Yeah..Hot!
Surely with this intense connection our love is true, is it not?
Your body comes back to rest just beside me on your cot. 

A playful smile resides upon your lips.
Which means that my heart skips.

Inch by inch you close gap. Eventually you’re hovering just above me.
Your eyes are systematically changing their hue, turning as blue as the deep sea.

I can feel the coolness of the air.
My hand reaches up, nesting in your hair.

The back of your neck, my fingers lightly grazing.
She is amazing!

Our foreheads meet. 

Thump, thump, leap. 
My heart, basically on repeat.

A heated kiss.
A whimper, a passion filled hiss.

The back of your hand finds my cheek.
My smile is nervous and weak.

From you a soft chuckle.
My insides melt and buckle.

“Are you ever not this dreamy?” You ask then you lick my ear lobe.
Now you begin to disrobe.
 
Shifting your position, you're siting astride my middle.
With the hem of your sleeping shirt you do fiddle.

It's then flung over the top of your head.
Drifting far from our place on the bed.

But I don't care.
I just stare.

My view is the best. 
Your beautiful. Gorgeous. Bare chest.
You take one of your hands and touch your left breast.

With your fingertips you tease the already hardening ******.
And thousands of goose pimples erupt over my entire body, in the form of a giant ripple.

The sounds that you are making.
Are beyond breathtaking.
This moment, for me; ground-breaking.

The next few minutes are all a blur.
All remaining threads have been discarded. We are now both completely unguarded.
The next thing I hear from you is an animalistic type purr.
For a split second I wonder .....When did this change occur?

Our bodies begin working together - In sync.
Between us lives a non-perishable link.

As we find our perfect pace.
It seems that our fingers have subconsciously been able to interlace. 

In our state of perpetual motion.
This is when I am truly hit by the intensity of your love and devotion.
Incapsulated deep within this physical act lies layer after layer of previously inexpressible emotion.

I've never felt this way before.
You're the one I will always adore.
Without question and forevermore.
You pepper ultra soft kisses everywhere, your intention is to explore. 

Our hands detach.
One of yours intent on reaching my increasingly sodden lower wet patch.

"Well someone seems ready." You say with a light smirk.
To which my hips reply with a rather large ****.
"Oh no ah-ah-ah Monkey, keep those steady I hardly think now is the time to practice your twerk."

"Babe?....." You call to gain my attention.
My head turns at the mention.
It's at this time that you search my face for any signs of apprehension.
".....All you have to do is let me know, okay?"
I can only nod right now. Not knowing what to say.
Another kiss is planted. As a loose hair strand is gently brushed away.

My sensitive bundle of nerves are met with your flicking thumb.
All I can do is release a continual and deep pleasure-filled hum.
No more feeling ******* numb!!!

"Baby G?....." 
Comes your plea.
"....Talk to me?"

"I..Er..Uh..Mmmm...M-more?" I ask with a clenched jaw.
"Okay honey. Only if you're sure."

"****." I whisper as you run a finger along the length of my suitably moistened slit.
Never lessening your relentless assault on my ****.

Before you enter two slender digits. You further part my legs.
My response; desperate and almost painful high-pitched begs.

You marvel at the view within your eye line.
"Mine." That is what you decree.
And with that statement I wholeheartedly agree.

A series of purposeful stokes.
And you have me praying for the love of God that this isn't some beautiful dreamlike hoax.

All of a sudden a mind-blowingly powerful ******.
Arching my back, I release a throaty moan. My horse voice full of lust.

My toes curl.
My head is caught in a swirl.
"*** for me baby girl."

And as if on que.....
"That's it darling, I got you." You coo.
"I-I- lov-"
"Aww shh sweetheart I already know you do...Guess what I love you too, honest and true."

"Hey Monkey, you okay?"
I look up at the sound of your voice but I am at a complete lost as to what I should say.

My eyes are still bloodshot and red.
You enter my room and kiss the top of my head.
Kneeling just in front of me, you give your thighs a light tap.
Waiting to see if I move. Nothing. So you gently tug me on to your lap.

Again I start to cry.
"Oh hey baby, shhh I'm here. It's okay." You assure me as you continually attempt to keep my face dry.
Then I release a shaky sigh.
"Let it go Monkey...... 
.....Let all those tears flow."

"I-I-I want to-I need to leave." 
I say, wiping my face with the back of my sleeve.

"Oh no cutie you don't, 'sides I need my Cuddle Bunny..WHO! Also happens to be very, very funny!"

"I am?....
.....Y'know, you sound like Sam."
"Well ****!"
You say with a big cheesy grin.
Then you tickle my chin.

"HEY! HaHa. N-No! Stop!" I say laughing while playfully, trying to push your hands away.
"Now stay!....."

"...She's my big sis."
"Aww your face when you say her name. But yes Monkey we know both this."

We lay on my bed for a while. Then you smile.

"So?? Now that you're okay, what do you wanna do?"
"I told you."
"....."
"HaHa. Stay. Oh! And this..."

"...Can't start our day without a morning kiss"

Sitting here alone.
Well, except for the continuous ringing of my cell phone.
I don't want to hear you whine or moan.

It hurts me too y'know?
One of hardest things that we have to do is learn when to let go.

Our time has gone, yes this is true.
There is simply nothing more you or I can do.

While at times we had a blast.
We didn't make it last.
But the past is the past.

Your texts say that you wanna stop by.
Just to say "Hi."
Now we both know that's a lie.
You start analyzing everything, "If....But...Babe.....Why?"

"NO! NO! NO! Please will you just stop?!"
I scream then to my knees I do drop.

You stand stock still.
As realization hits, the air develops a deathly chill.

If looks could ****. I'd be dead.
With a decapitated head.

Then you just walk away.
Escaping the fray.

And yet I hope we become friends again one day.

So yeah uhm hi.
I don’t know why I suddenly feel this shy….
‘Kay lemme give this a try.
 
Usually my words come easily to me.
Quick, fast and free.
But today they have chosen to disperse.
And their timing couldn't have been worse.
 
How can I begin?
With your little cute baby-like chin?
Or your sinfully hot **** voice?
Miss Callaghan, you are presenting me with a very difficult choice.
 
When your blue eyes meet my green……
Well heck I think that they are the most beautiful pair I have ever seen.
 
Every time that you speak.
I just wanna giggle and squeak.
Just one magical look in my direction and my knees go weak.
 
When I’m tearful you instantly wrap me up in your insanely strong arms.
And every so softly start stroking slow soothing circles on my back with your palms.

Your heartbeat.
I could listen to on repeat.
Come rain, shine or sleet.

You’re here? You’re here? Please, I need you near.

Between us distance should not exist.
That would be way too much of a risk.
Your hands travel the circumference of my face.
As you endeavour to memorize every last trace.

Your left index finger.
It stops to linger.
It’s destination?....
My bottom lip.
While your right hand gently ends its trip.
Finding its place, tenderly resting on my hip.

You slowly move your face closer to mine.
It takes all of my strength not to release what I feel can only be described as a pleading whine.

As our lips finally meet.
It is slow. It is delicate. It is sweet.
With this one kiss, I've been completely swept off of my feet.

As the connection is broken.
It feels like an eternity before any words are spoken.
Well there were no words per say. Just quiet mumbles of laughter.
And the wide smiles spread across our faces soon after.
Then I feel myself being pulled into a huge hug.
I bet that there are very few people that know that you can be a complete soft lug.

Every tiny little interaction.
Only assists in strengthening my seemingly ever-growing attraction.

You are my day, you are my night.
Everything with you just feels one hundred per cent right.

Now that I think my feelings towards you have been made clear.
The question ask you here, I ask without fear.

With these last thee lines, my poem reaches it's end.
Lindsay Rebecca Callaghan will you please do me the greatest honour of becoming my girlfriend??