What I said.
That should’ve stayed in my head.

If I'm completely honest I am angry but definitely not with you.
I'm so lost; I just don’t know what the hell I'm supposed to do.

I can’t stand this lack of control.

He’s constantly there; circling in my head. Watching me.
He’s never gonna stop. I know that I’ll never be free.
No matter how much or how loud I plea.

I’ve never known a pain that hurts so greatly.

The internal pressure is always increasing.
Instead of ceasing.

I pray for forgiveness every single day.
With the hope that one day I’ll no longer have to pay.

I did exactly what I was told.
I so desperately want to be released from his never-ending choke hold.
I used to be so cheerful. Now I'm just ridiculously fearful.
I now feel nothing; numb. Cold.
Dead at 16 years old.

They refer to me as “The Mystery”
Such a clouded history.

They say that I’m a closed book.
But maybe that’s just because not enough time was took,

They see me as a mammoth task.
When really all they have to do is ask.

One mistake is all it did take.
Now I only seem to shake.
So much sometimes that it can look fake.

Asking for help.
With a whimper or a yelp.

Heart wrenched.
Jaw clenched.
Forehead sweat drenched.

Keep hearing that evil voice,
But it appears not to be a conscious choice.

Tainted at such a young age,
So hateful and full of undiluted rage.
Now confined to this “cage.”

Unwanted and unloved,
Constantly just pushed, pulled and shoved.

I am a curse.
“Please, just put me in my hearse!”

You're the one that’s always there.
You don’t judge, you don’t laugh and you don’t stare.
You make me so happy. No more feeling ******.

The feeling you give me, it’s unlike any other.
It’s not like a lover, mother or a brother.

You are truly one of a kind.
Such an open mind.
You see when everyone else is blind.

You know me inside and out.
Of that I have no doubt.

You never intentionally pry.
You never make me cry.
You say: “Hey, the important thing is that you DID try.”

You always make time for me.
Whether it’s about something serious.
Or “*** I've just seen Glee!!”

I bet when you see my name flash across your screen.
You think: Oh no here comes little miss drama queen!
That or: Oh ****!! Queue the ****** teen.

You love me no matter what
With everythin’ that ya got!

Even when I falter.
Hell, you endure my alter!

You’re the light in the dark.
You're helping me reignite my internal spark.
When I say: “I think I've lost it, now more than ever…..”
You say: “No sweetie, never.”

The bond that we have formed, I will treasure.
You are my big sister Sam, always and forever.

The mind can be devious.
Sometimes far worse than just being plain mischievous.

Heart racing, thoughts chasing, fast pacing.
Back and forth, up and down.
From a smile to a frown.

Feeling everything – HYPERSENSITIVE!!!
Every step you take is super tentative.

Scream, shout and cry,
You can’t stop it no matter how hard you try.

“PLEASE STOP I…I...CAN’T BREATHE!!”
You managed to stutter out even though your chest did so heave.
Eyes pressed up against an already tear- soaked sleeve.

Curled up in a tight ball.
Facing a blank wall.

Knuckles white.
An external show of the internal fight.

The monster inside is dying to be let loose,
Ready and waiting to send you straight to the nearest noose.

All your muscles tense.
Your body is in a constant state of suspense.

You hear a loud knock.
Followed the unmistakable twisting of a key in the door lock  
Instinctive your head snaps up to the clock.

You turn your eyes skyward as sign of gratitude.
Knowing the physician on the other side can subside your minds’ hellishly destructive attitude.

And one simple push of that magical plunger.

You slowly start to slip into a world of unconscious wonder.
No more internal storms. lightning or thunder.

The doctor enters with a small smile.
Knowing that his next actions will bring you relief, even if it’s just for a while.

“Thank y-you.”
“Shhh…S’okay it’s what I do.”

Reflection, reflection how can this be?
Who is this girl staring back at me?*

Her face full of doubt and disbelief.
Who is responsible for stealing her innocence?
Who is her confidence thief?

Her skin pale, eyes dark.
She couldn't stop herself from being fixated on one of the spots where he left his mark.
The differences in her now were stark.
She was once happy, at times even elated
Now she felt debilitated, scared and hated.

Now all she wants to do is go to bed.
Lie down to rest her head.
But as soon as she closes her eyes the dreams that she has are full of fright and dread.
The miserable nightmares unfolding in her head, make her wish that she was dead.

All the memories are still there just hanging in the air.
Every sight, sound, touch and even his god awful disgusting taste.
Every single thing left its trace.