There's shattered glass on the floor still
The spidery cracks running from where my fist collided with my reflections
How long have I been here?
How long have I been wasting away in this tainted wonderland?

Controlled freedoms oppress my mind
Which is banging on the inside on my skull, wild with a fury to escape

I can't be out of my mind when all my problems lie within it.
Social pressures mean nothing when you're at war with yourself.

It's not easy when the thoughts in your head become twisted and tangled like Christmas lights.
No matter how hard you try to keep them straight, year after year, you're stuck fighting.

I gave up God knows when, throwing the thoughts on the ground in defeat
Watching the colored light die out
I'd always preferred the darkness anyway.

But even with the numb, there is still one thought protruding in the abyss
A small flicker in the outlet.
It lives on, thriving in the emptyness.
It ***** you in, limb by limb, 'til you can no longer breathe.

But that's what you wanted in the first place, wasn't it? Not to breathe? Not to be alive?

           I wonder if you can see the suicidal in my eyes.

It wasn't the fear of failure that sent me plunging into the pool of electric currents, it was act of failing.

I go into everything with a "**** it" attitude, with low expectations so I'm never disappointed,

But when things start spiraling down my immediate thought is to abandon ship.

If there's a chance I'm going to hit rock bottom, I want to get there on my own terms, before anything has a chance to drag me down.

Failed a class? Might as well drop out

Had some ice cream while on a diet? Might as well eat the whole tub

About to get pushed onto thin ice? Might as well start jumping til it cracks

If something is going to go, I need it to either go all wrong or all wrong

He smokes all those ******* cigarettes.
All of them every ******* day
I don't know what makes him think he can smoke the sadness away
But boy, does he try,
He tries so **** hard.

He tries to blind his demons by fogging his mind
He comes to me high, saying he can't feel a thing
And I say I know what you mean, boy, I know what you mean
But you can't chase away the pain with drugs and a drink
He doesn't always need to be so tough
I wonder if I could make him forget
I wonder if my love could be enough

How can something so broken make me feel so beautiful?
He takes a party mix of pharmacuticals, he's ready to self destruct
Balancing between living and dying I've never seen someone more on the cusp
God, how I wish I could make him happy
I wonder if my love could be enough

But I'm just part of his problem
******* up his emotions even more than they were
It's like setting fire to a train wreck and I'm the instigator
Putting my flames to his propane, maybe a raging fire is the cure

He tells me he needs some space
So I back up a considerable amount and yell if it's enough
But he just whispers back
You'll never be able to fix me
It can't be done
I'm too far gone
Nothing can fix me, not even love

and I finally had my answer

Maybe this is the reason for my obsession with the sea
Throw me in, the tide will pull me under and yet I want to be submerged
I want my skin to soak up the water and become dry from the excess salt
I am the ocean as the ocean is me
With every churning wave, my heart lurches in sync
When anger boils up in my core, you will see a storm on the horizon

The wind, constantly driving me forward

Best friends with the sun and sand,
Every white cap slapping the shore
Is just the noise of colliding hands
As the gentle push and pull of the tide slowly rocks me to sleep
I begin to dream about my undoubted obsession with the sea

I knew what I was last year
I was depressed
I was highly suicidal
I self harmed
But now I'm just...broken
Just hobbling through life with a limp leg
All the cuts of war have dried
And the battle field lay vacant with languor
I've made it to the other side by myself with nothing but my hands while the enemies came loaded with amo and chemical warfare
But now that I'm here, there's no oasis
There's no recovery retreat
There's just emptiness
The other side is just a drop off into oblivion
Maybe I haven't recovered.
Maybe this is just another level in the same Hell.

I gestured toward to miles of despair ahead

And you told me that the lonely road doesn't end here

Well ****. I could have told you that.

I had just turned to walk away, muttering profanities about a pretentious *******

But then you piped in with a soliloquy of your own

You told me that the lonely road doesn't end here.
It keeps on going and going with no particular destination.
But along the way there are pit stops of joy. Times when you may actually feel happy. Like the road wouldn't be too bad as long as you were with that person who's always at the pit stops, fixing you up and making you better

I turned around then, but you weren't there.

Where the **** did you go?
This was an open road we were standing on and now I'm just here alone.

That was when I realized that the only pit stop I needed was you. I'll only ever be happy when I'm with you.

I woke up with your name on my tongue
Dreaming about you once again, I guess
I still hope it's you whenever the phone
rings
But that's just another fantasy I can't
fathom into reality

I needed you today
Well, everyday, but today especially.

But you weren't there today, were you?
Well, everyday, but today especially

It's always the same story and I keep
trying to reinvent the ending because
I thought I was the reason you showed
up?

I should've known from the first lie
That you would never be mine

Someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you and you can interpret that how you will

So go. Don't show up.
Go and believe me when I say I'm fine because I know you don't care today.

Well, everyday, but today especially.

I killed myself long ago
I kicked the chair, swallowed the
pill, slit my wrist and pulled the trigger
all at once
Then
for good measure
I led my ghost to the water with rocks in its pocket
And yet I'm still here

I cracked under pressure a while back
I let my madness show and scared
everyone half to death
Then
for good measure
I jumped off the cliff of sanity into my insane descent
And yet I'm still here

Something held me back.
I think something held me up, flushed
the chemicals, stitched my skin and
jammed the gun all at once.
And then
for good measure
went insane with me

But that something was a someone.
A someone who did all of it without knowing
Without knowing their smile
could lift my day, hold me up and give
me hope all at once
And then
for good measure
leave me with fading scent of their ****** perfection
Lest we forget, you're still here

you think you have all the time in the world, and that is your biggest mistake. you can't rely on something that doesn't exist.

To be perfectly honest,
You went from my whole world to not even a part of it
I'd never admit I miss you
Put on a brave face around you
Make you think everythings okay
But my insides are crumbling with the need to see you again
To touch your skin
To be in your current interest

To be perfectly honest,
I feel as though a certain ***** has been ripped out of me
Somewhere near where my heart used to be
There is a gaping hole growing bigger every minute I don't see you.
I know where it is
It's in the palm of your hand
And the further apart we are
The less it starts to beat
I haven't seen you in so long
I'm really missing your embrace
I told myself I was strong
That it was just a crush
That I didn't need you
But if that was true, then why am I hurting so much?
I refuse to allow myself to cry
I must stay strong
but "staying strong"are just words
Words you say when you don't want to get involved
They're intangible
And often unintelligible
They hold no meaning nor volume
Just two-dimensional scapegoats and
To be perfectly honest, I'm just really ******* missing you

She screams in all lower case
In an indifferent monotonous voice
Like life has drained all that was once good from her
And it all went down the drain in a crimson swirl

Something inside has died
Like her soul's numbered days are up and her heart hasn't got with the program yet
It still strives on in strenuous trudges

Her are lungs caked in blackened purpose from inhaling death 20,000 times a day
And taking a perpetually tired drag on the night  
Her eyes reflect the moon in the daytime as they pierce through the implemented reality.
The true reality is parasitic and will eat away at you and infect your mind
Only those with the eyes of the moon can see through the masking light
Beware of them, for they have lives encased in shadows.

I look at the clock and somehow 3:28 a.m. spells out your name

How many times are you going to lie to me?
How many times am I going to believe you?
Every time.
Every time because I need your words to be true

I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment whenever I talk to you.
And yet I find myself at your table every **** day.
Your voice draws me in and keeps me within your grasp.

You are my favorite song.
You are my favorite lie.
You are my favorite "how many times..."

I can't read too much at once
I might just break under the pressure of keeping it together
Together for whom, I don't know.
The screen perhaps?

You convey your pain so vividly
That it literally makes me ache.
Cringing at the accuracy of your words,
Wincing at the connections I make between your art and your life.
It pains me to feel you in pain.

Maybe I just notice you too much but I know who
and what
and when you're talking about.
Her, mostly, but I try not to read those.

But the other creations are utterly beautiful
In a tragic sense, though I suppose art never comes from happiness.
But what is happiness without a little pain?
An illusion
And oh, my dear, you capture this concept like an animal entrapped in a snare.
You make your message *inescapable

Dye my hair just to add a little color into my life
Stuff my face just to fill the void
Slice and slash just to make sure I'm real
Paint my face just to hide the imperfections
Starve, starve, and starve again just to fit
the standard of beautiful
Sew in a smile just to appear sane
because it's not like anyone cares
anyway
Cry in the night just to have a release
Just to have an escape, go and get
******
People all around who will swear till the
end that they love and care for you
But when it comes right down to it you
know you're alone

I said I'm ******* fine
But you never asked in the first place
I'm not ******* fine
But you believed me, now how does this tatse?
This blood on your hands
Spilled from veins
Washed away with bleach
Let's cover it up
Cause nothing's ever as it seems
Paint a smile
On a canvas of pain
They hate you now, but now it's "what a shame"
Where were the compliments
When I was around to hear them
Your words could've lifted me up
But not up from the grave
I'm so sorry
So sorry I couldn't make the grade

Everything I've ever done up to this point has been futile
Because I'm never going to be the fantasy I've always envisioned
It's all I can do not to take this **** knife and shove it through my veins
How can I be beautiful and happy when I destroy myself everyday
When I can't even get myself up off the floor
I can't
And I refuse to suffer any longer

I OFTEN FIND MYSELF WONDERING IF YOU EVER WONDER ABOUT ME TOO AND WHETHER I'M DOING OKAY, BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME I VERY SELDOM CROSS YOUR MIND BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE WITH HER AND WHO THE HELL WOULD THINK OF ME WHILE LOOKING AT HER?

I'll give myself away
Throw away everything I've known
I'll change myself if youll stay
I dont want me if you go

Take my soul
Take my life
They're nothing without you
Take my goals
Take our nights
I have nothing left to do

I'll sit here rotting away
Like I did
Before you brought me
Back to life
I'll just sit here
Waiting
With no day and no knight

I don't like any of my works

I feel the cool rim at the end of the barrel
It's pressed up against my temple.
One action and it could all be over
I knew something of this nature was inevitable.

My life should be flashing, but only one thought comes to mind
I really wish you hadn't believed me when I said I was fine
It's cruel that you're the last thing that goes through my head
     (Well, second to last, really)
My world is running out of time

I click off the safety - nothing safe about this anyway- isn't that what you always said?
I inhale - I can smell the metal and your fading cologne
I count to three.
One - I'm alone
Two - You promise you'd stay
Three - You left
You forget about colors when your whole world is grey.