Say my name
no better
pant it
I was infancy until
you sank your lips
onto mine
possess me
climb me down the evolutionary ladder
turns out it's better to
be primal than to be
sophisticated
oh I'm wasted
in your breath
in your stench
I'm drunk on your
wetness
ethonol
a drug
but we haven't drunk
or eaten together before
so now we're rabid
and
ravenous

And so I gave him my hand
And he turned it quizzically over within his
Skin weaving against skin
As he counted up each didget
One piggy
Three piggy
More.
Meat.
And he thumbed each lying line down to my palm
And trickled his fingers over the bone
Before tracing and placing his nails
Against the bloodied stump of home

He looked up
Why did you do it?
His voice a curious void

"They said I should lend you hand."
I said

Brow furrowed
Consideration
He cries
"I think you thought a tad too literal...but, thanks."

"Are you sure it's enough?"
My stumps substance soaked into my socks.

"Only they said to be prepared"

They didn't mean any harm

"That you might want the arm."

"When are you going?"
"Soon."

Soon you'll be gone
and I'll be left to long,
alone, but for the song you
once owned which belongs to
me now.

Soon you'll be gone,
and the messages you will receive
will mask my panic that I'll
never retrieve you again.  
Left so small and rotten.

When you do return, will you still want me then?

Soon you'll be gone
and those who wish to greet you,
who are going to meet you.
They'll love you as I have done
and they're the ones that you'll now
become 'one' with.

Soon you will be gone,
leaving me to be, less than
I have been. Less than you
have seen.
And you-
I have learnt that you'll find someone better.

Soon you will be gone,
and I'll be left to sink,
blinking hazily up at the
lights of the night sky
which you once helped me track.
Haunted by the ghosts of all that
I have lacked.
Yet again.

Soon you will be gone.
I will carry on, though I
hope that I do not have to
without you.

I don't want to be alone
left to roam, with search lights
yet again.
I'd rather trace a happy smile
with my pen, then stain the
paper with my pain.

But, soon you will be gone.
Then I won't belong.

Again.

Watch pulses flaunt their Paper power,
whilst with each new wave the ***
stirs sour.
The undead watch with sandwiched
surprise
As levers creep over their eyes.
Which painfully purge the red to gold
The raw amygdala to cold.

We are all sold
Bought and sold
We paid our souls
To be sold

Sit mute and watch dark deeds
be done, under the all seeing
eye of the son.
Your purity can still be won
So keep your deadly sins
instead
omit within the eighth,
the joy of which you ate;
Too late
fun. Don't run,
Don't jaunt,
Lie down.

Flaunt flaunt
Your purity
Watch society
Crave your
anonymity.

Open a mind
through a blender.
Send her
flowers
candy
peace
and teeth
All to get at
the crease
of cash,
her personal stash.

You will always be hungry.

Well I'm sure you'd feel haunted
Because you'd want to

And I'm sure you'd feel wasted
Well, that's me* not you

Because I'd go out with a flash of light
And at least I'd tried and I'd stay to fight
For the smallest grain, of the smallest rights,
That can make me feel alive

And I'm sure you'd feel cheated
Though I couldn't fake you

Perhaps you'd feel unwanted
I never meant that for you

And I when cradled a stream of fire
It burnt too close to my desire
Yet still when the ****** put out their lights
I'd still stay to watch yours too

So tonight when we lay awake for hours
Try to slip away the clock and
burn down the towers which have
built a gap between our feet

And Forced a laboured retreat

Tonight, don't think the word defeat
but relight a phantom candle, let a
glow dwindle, continue to thrive.
Tonight is the last night we are alive.

Tomorrow feel wasted,
cheated,
haunted,
forgotten
and Lost

Tonight, accost your senses with nonsense
and slip a away a grieving veil
Tonight feel
Free
Phantom
Pale

And, for now, just
Breathe with me

I write, but it all seems pointless
Disjointed,
Useless, and Dejected.

This way of expression I created
Has seemed to still and stopper
A Goner.

Done for. Finished.
I used to relish the kiss of
inspiration and entanglement
into something that seemed purer
than myself

Now, my words dust on a shelf
Inspiration strikes and snaps;
disjointed and useless.

Sapped.
I find myself writing for a voice
, and musical ability, which
I do not possess

I pray I will be able to pick up a pen soon
And write away this uselessness.

I never want to hurt,
yet it seems there is a
two edged choice.
I either seem to hurt or
be hurt.
And to be hurt is pure
pain, a
slow death with
no escape.
But somehow hurting
feels worse,
to me...
because I know what it's like.
I don't want to give up on
love...
but I don't know if I can
play this 'game'
anymore.
When all that prospers
are my tears.
Too scared to love, yet terrified
to be
alone.
I feel done.

I know you're not meaning to, but
you're really starting to make me feel, well,
less than beautiful.
Unattractive,
unappealing.
Irrational thought I know, because
16 years of dance at least
means I'm concealing a good ***.
Also, if you were done, it'd
feel done.
You wouldn't stroke my thigh
or let me sigh when you stand
to curl over me.
I know your body wants me.

But your mind is starting to freak me out.

The love is there, but I'm too
aware of a platonic fall,
please take me all. Take me.
I shouldn't need physical justification,
but I want it,
I want you.

I want to feel all of you again,
go back to when I helped you map out
the inside of my skin, let
you break within
Know me nights cos I can
leave your skin soaked in
Devil's tears
I want you to misspend my years
or
I fear I will regret them.

So, please know me again.
I can promise an ****** is
generally better than a youtube video.

I look around my home and
know I've made a place my own
Let me explain,
I've lived alone since aged 16, it's probably
better this way,
and I haven't felt regret, not now, not
Yet, hopefully never. Yes, pieces of pain and
bits and bobs of bitterness litter my hall,
I can't hoover it all, but
Regret? There was no point, there
was never another option.

So I've rearranged furniture, and I've
sulked in my room, I've cried, I've
wanted to die and I've lined up my
windowsill ready to watch snow.
I've watched lovers come and go, been
opened up, watched muck littered and
have thrown it all against the filled up
wall, wished mum's hoarding away.
I've stayed, this place is mine now.

And in the wreckage of my banishment
I've made a shelter of some sort and I've
guided others in, a brightly cluttered and warm
bin for troubles. I've sat them down and made
them doubles, sometimes they just want to talk
and sometimes they just want to sin,
usually they want arms which will allow them in
sometimes to wallow, and I've given
them a pillow and wished them to sleep.
I've watched people weep here.

And so my home becomes their's too.

Don’t look at me
I am the outcast
The one who’s sexuality
Is nil.
I am the one in the jokes
The one you should tease
Go out with her?
He laughs.
So do not glance in my direction
Don’t try to break my shield
Instead please laugh
When I mock myself
My body, my soul, my prison.
For without it a glance might be scathing,
The whispers sharp as spears again
I don’t mind the laughter.
They merely laugh at the target
The target I’ve drawn on my shell.
Don’t break my mould.
I’m safe.

It's taken me a while to realise
but simple doesn't always mean happy
Back then was simple,
We were simple.
Two in love, the
other two in lust
It was nothing to make a fuss about
But We were simple
The rest of my life lay complex
So, your hands became my
escape route, your lips
a hiding place
And together we made a distraction
Just big enough to stop a ****, and
your hands became explorers
and together we mapped out
My naked body
Which, before you, I didn't think anybody
could want.
You made a tangled mind feel
Simple.
You made a scared child feel
Beautiful.

But I never let you really in,
never let you see, because
what I wanted to find in
you was me
dressed in simplicity.

And now that part of me is complex  
I've lost that group
That laughter
That lightness
But, what I have now,
Who I have now,
What it's made me
I wouldn't switch it for the world.
And
that choice, for mayhem,
That choice is simple.

I'm left looking up again.

Brown, worm dulled, walls of dust
Slowly rust away my grin
The pits of depression opened again
Within.
It is me.

The roots of this tree cling to
My head
It's tendrils of dirt seeping
Through
Feels like

With this feeling.

This ancestral tree like a ceiling

My limit.

I feel done.

The weights branching in ton
By ton
By Ton
Try to run, but you can't
Sometimes you daren't
Because it's
Pushing
It's pressing
You
Down
Down
Down

Into soil, into more
More toil.

Into the ground,
Where you'll be found
Possibly, one day
Too late.
A crater of bones
Is your fate.
Ouch, that's a bit dark?

Try not to turn into
Brittle
Burnt up
Bark.

Deeper
Deeper
Deeper

My head's full of dirt.

It's going to hurt, but
I'm going to make it.
Scratch myself out
Scream and shout and
Kick away doubts of
Normality.
Allow reality,
Leave leaves of mould behind,
Find a seedling of light
And fight for your
Own.

Allow myself to grow,
**** to compost
Ashes to Ash
Dust leaves me
Now.
God knows how,
But time shall wipe off
The grime.

Once again I'll make myself mine.

Emptiness* again,
Unable to find my way back
to emotion.
Alone
Unheard moans
Mentality ripped in my mind
Unable to find a single shred
of hope
Utter Fear
of the Sea's Noose and Rope
looking *inviting

Always there
Always lapping
Always waiting

To make you want to live
Riding the slipstream of your thoughts
I always have to find one more fight to give

Reason's proffered up to your knife blow
Tide lapping at my feet
As I will the World not to let
you go

Don't let fragments fall or soar
I need more
to be alive
I need more than just
to survive

But your needs
Eclipse
My own.

Again.

So deep in your arms that I drown,
unable and unwilling to break for air,
completely bare
to you.

Hold me,
so tight I do not feel or see
the silent, dry eyed sobs which rack my body
Love me.
I don't even care if you don't.

Hold me,
if my illusion of control is gone
allow me to construct another,
let you be the stitching of a temporary plaster,
that I might carry on.

Hold me,
break free my icy barrier
let loose my tears, that I
might let go the years I have grown to.

Too fast,
Too soon,
Hold me so I might forget.
Don't remind me of what's real just yet.

Please.

Loosen up your anchor chain
You're reducing me to
Bubbles

I basked in the womb of a female's
*choice

And I never told Mum
Gaping blonde, **** and teeth
***
He'd won
I'd never tell, not now, not then,
not anyone.

He asked if I wanted to see his "wake-up call"
I was to young to understand the pull of
the nakedness of women
Didn't know what I was viewing
Didn't know what he did
For so long I was unaware
Repression's glare
I didn't want to remember

And he was so ashamed
Told me the next day he'd deleted it
Removed the stain on his hard drive, the first ***** photo
etched in my head. What is said
and seen, will always
be recalled

I should be appalled

But I'm haunted instead by the question
What the hell was going on in his head

Instead of anger
Awareness
and dread, because I hate
the way he messed with my
head.

I want you here,
want you to stroke my neck
and kiss away the thoughts
from my head, turning the
tossing water to calm,
clear ocean,
the fog lifted and turned to
clarity.

Want you to hold me in,
tight, yet so terribly soft,
scared to break me.
Hold me tighter, so
I can never leave
the safety of your embrace.

Block out the world,
what need for sun
should I possess when
within your presence
your caress can lift
away any cloud?
Rain droplets brushed
from my face,
a single ray of light
left to play through
my hair.

Possess me.
Not violently,
but with absolution,
your arms a perch in
a caged world.

Everything lingers on
but I don't think you do, so much
anymore.
Perhaps because, all
that I saw of you
wasn't really you
at all.
Don't worry I'm not about to bawl
at the idea of this trick,
for you might be slick but
it was I who chose to stick
this
illusion
this
idea
to your frame.
How could you be to blame?

And so you linger,
but not actively,
not aggressively,
nor painfully anymore.
And she who saw what
she thought she saw which
cannot be seen anymore,
has emitted the last snore,
of this dream of the scene with
you in.

It's time for a new reality to begin.

because I'm only meant to look like a ****
I shouldn't have any of the fun
you ******* me with your eyes
is what you think my monogamy should be
Locked up wankbank
you want a photo of me playing with
a key

**Have a stop

That wound, the
one you choose to hide,
will always be there.
come weeks,
come years,
come even decades.
It's scar will always remain.
Jagged on the palm of
your sleeve,
it may fade with
time
but it will always
be.
Forever ready to be
rubbed raw,
scarlet blood weeping
once again.

We all carry a scar
such as this.
It is a first and so,
it is the deepest.
The beginning of an
individual pattern.
It will sit there
ready,
waiting to bring again
your heart onto
your sleeve.

First love,
Pure love,
No more.

It will always be present.

Upon her head
                                   It broke
                                              To coat their
                                   Trainers with
                                               A membrane's yolk
                                    She's brok
                                                              En now
                                     Token
                                            Inability to see
                        Anonymities

      
                                          Clarity.

You filled a space I didn't know I had
A long body curling up against my own
A single bed
Now holds two

A tentative hope
Now holds two

A fearful clarity
Two peas

My hands gaps were only lines once
And now I'm in a jigsaw
And you take up half the ***

And everything is empty
Because only you can fill the space you've made within me

I'll tickle you
You'll probably get in 'a huff'
You'll give me a growl
Warn "That's Enough"

But you'll laugh as well though

So comfy I could finally sleep
A glowing trust that you'll keep
me deep in your patterned arms
So safe from harm
With you.

Held together better than glue
Sometimes you don't believe me
When I tell you "I'm so happy"

But around you
It's hard to be anything but

that.

Why would you ever go back?

I ask of you, are you worth it?
The pain and lack of care,
the continual tear of my hearts
many scars,
the trapping of me once more
behind the bars
of my blindness of feeling.

The blows you deal me send me
reeling,
and yet I still find myself
kneeling
at your sacrificial altar,
once more offering my all,
mind, body
soul.
Knowing you will only take
the second,
that once more you will forsake
my mind and soul.
Congratulations on your ****.

And all you can do is try your best,
And all you can hope is that
The rest of the world tries that too

pray you don't bruise easily
And count away your latent anger
1,

2,

3.

And I bet you think that I sound meek
Well I probably do, I'm possibly beat, but
I refuse to be defeated by the hollow
Sad sound of sorrow.

So I'll count my bruises easily

So try to just get by
In peace

Cos you mustn't give to sad
And you shouldn't bow down to the
Bad **** that they play on that
Radio 'just for you'
See you shouldn't give in to sad.

Gotta refind a warm shoulder
Dry your tears
Spill your fears
Lean in and
Find your grin
Again.

I am weak
I'm sometimes meek
But, I'm not beat, because
I refuse to be defeated by the
Sad sound of sorrow,
I'm gonna hear the sun of
Tomorrow

drown that din

breathe in and try

You mustn't give in to sad
You shouldn't bow down to bad

*Just Breathe

So tell me what should I have done
To be different
So tell me what I'd have won
If I'd been different

If I had worked harder I'd be dead
I'd have floated away and
They would have said
"She should have told us"
If I had worked harder I'd be dead.

So, don't be offended,
I think I might be better off as I am.

Cos when you're
Wearing a short skirt
And I have too much
Makeup on
You sometimes just
Can't help to feel like
You've never felt so strong.

So tell what I should have done
When they told me to take it off
Well I know now
What I should have I said
I should of told 'em to
"Just, *******."

But instead I'd whimper simper
Not dare look them in the eye
Why should I care? I know
Profanity is determined by 'some guy'

And who should care for profanity, in our
Society insanities considered
Just
A fact.

Why should I have to feel I lack,

I think I might be better off as I am.

And I am the knight in shining armour
and he is the damsel in distress.
I can't let myself rest until he is safe, but
it does not help my case that he seems to think
the dragon is his friend, and I only
pretend when I say that I Love Him.

Because being far away from someone is harder
than any bard will ever make out, it feels so empty to think
that if you shout the hardest you can, they
still cannot hear you, and
even if you ran it'd be too far to do in
a day.
So, instead, you just have to stay your palace
and pray, as
you watch them
dance in flames.

You can't rearrange their head, so it tortures you
when they wish themselves dead, because you cannot soothe them, and that is all your fault, and your brain dips
a tendril into the vault of the memories of sins,
it reaches out to within, just to give it a stir,
You feel your edges blur, because if you can't keep them
alive
then what good are you?

You're only a one, if your one adds up to two
Stew quietly
You must find a way to stay strong and quietly long
for reprieve,
You find yourself feeling relieved when you make
it to the end of the day without having to debate with
them whether or not they should stay, or
pass over.

Make wishes on four leaf clovers
and wonder, did I make his life this?
Blaming every kiss you might have done
wrong. Longing for reassurance that
never comes
This is your fault
His words echo your thoughts
This is your fault

It's hard not to feel tired.

When it's a game if you can make it to the next week
A gamble of letting someone see you weep
or holding it in again to possibly explode out.
The battle of trying to tell yourself
That it isn't weak for wanting shout at them to phone
and moan down the phone in person
So that you don't think there's a chance
a possible
a haunting of the
idea that the word 'silence' means you
should start grieving

At least on the phone you can hear them breathing.

Today it's a battle,
Tomorrow there'll be more.

Our noses touch,
But we mustn't kiss.
It doesn't matter;
This is still bliss
You remind me
Of Security I've missed.
Maybe someone likes
Me after all?

And, I wish this hold
Could last a year.
I wish I wouldn't just
Return to fear
For now, I make you
Lend an ear;
So, I can whisper in it
Nothings for the night.
Pray the curtains won't
Let in the light.

In case you disappear like
Star light in the sun

Can't bear to think reality has won.

So, we stay in pause,
Your breath on my lips
Instead of a kiss.
Never missed if it
Never happened.