If I gave you a piece of me,
Would you keep it,
Or would you break it,
Or would you make something useful out of me?

Stuff may happen but I don't understand.
I don't know why they talk to me,
I don't know why I'm here.
I'd rather cease to exist
Because then I won't be spoken to.
When people open their mouths to me
I wonder what they are doing.
Can't they tell I'm basically incompetent,
At conversing as they do?

And I want to love my mother.
Most of the time I'm sure I do,
But I'm not sure how to anymore.
That's what happens when you give but don't receive.
I want to flourish socially,
At least enough so I can manage to achieve something,
But it's getting harder it seems.
Sometimes I feel I can't be bothered
With just anything.
I feel kind of surreal,
Like things are happening but I'm not very there.
Sometimes I want my daydreams to all just go away,
But whilst I say that I am begging them to stay.
It makes me almost wish they could just give me antipsychotics,
And that they would help everything wrong with me that no one understands.
Even what seems expected to be understood,
It seems like no one does.
Once again, there's another way
Of how I am an outcast
Way more than once and for always.

Why does it have to be so hard, it’s not fair.
It’s never fair and it doesn’t ever seem to go away.
It shouldn’t matter though because it’s only me.
It’s probably my fault somehow.
I don’t know how many more thoughts of reconciliation I can take before it breaks me completely.
I swear that I believe in strong families,
But I’m doubting that I can make mine that – church girl or not
Which I am not so much anymore.
If I walk away I’d feel that I’m missing out due to my own faults.
I tell myself they’re hers and are what is driving me away,
But it hurts to turn away for too long.
I live with sour pains and expressions,
Sometimes they turn to pity and I want to stand up
For her. Her actions knock me down again,
I remain left in the hurt.
It seems as if I’m struggling to dig my way out of the ground,
Trapped and my thoughts and feelings in submission, supressing.
If I can’t let go but I can’t hold onto what I never really had,
Then what’s next?
My bed is covered in dust because my head is still the same
And the girl that I was: broken still.

I feel a heavy weight burdening me
****** upon me by you, the one who should be lifting me up.
I’m tangled in steel spider webs that I think I want to leave,
But when I get the chance I change my mind due to fearing that it’s the wrong choice.
How did you manage to involve me so much while pushing me aside?
Right now I want to laugh although logically I should cry.
Because that’s what you’ve done to me;
You made sure your mentalism rubbed off on me,
Also making me think you’ll catch me when I fall even though you pushed me.
I keep pulling away from you and it seems like what you want,
But somehow (weather you mean to or not) you drag me to the starting line.
It’s a race that never ends and with no intention of a prize.
With you, my own mother,
I’m left running in circles around myself with tears filling my eyes.
Still you have done nothing to make me feel this way,
Although psychologically it’s as if you’ve done everything to make me stray.
And so I’m shattered down the middle while you’re still provokingly tapping on the glass.
It’s like the air always seems to be thickening now
Making it hard to breathe,
Because I am trying to guess your next destructive move.

I am stuck between being too scared to move,
And too scared to stay but probably just scared to lose the pain.
Stupid I know but so is all that she is and I might be just the same.
Breaking whatever’s in reach as I step a path I do not know
Or know too well.
The solid pain I feel inside is ever capable of echoing,
Like it never loses its meaning.

I know that I need to distance myself from these memories,
I know that, it's clearly no good for me.
I know I should focus on who I still have,
because I know they're the ones' who are worth it.
I'm sorry that I am not able to do that right now;
I don't know the cure for nostalgia.
You could tell me that it's my brains way
of clinging onto something long gone,
it's just it's the kind of pain
that I fear being without.

I know that it has changed so much now,
and I should let the memories fade,
But I am  scared of forgetting
and I don't want to forgive.
Forgiveness isn't an option after what they did,
and you don't forgive the wicked people who hurt your best friend like that.
They seemed so innocent.
They seemed so polite.
Now I'm forever facing the facts that they turned out nothing of the sort.

The memories aren't real anymore.
The people they were made with were fake,
because they've shown their true colours
and on the inside I can't handle it at all.
I know I have to stop thinking,
I know they don't deserve my last thoughts.
I thought everyone gets what they deserve in the end,
but now I'm not so sure.
She didn't deserve what they did to her,
Not in the slightest at all.
So how come those Devils are fine?
I know that I should be fine by now.

Push those memories and feelings back,
those girls' can't hurt you anymore.
I know some people would think I'm just hurting myself.
I know that prolonging this pain won't change them to who I thought they were.
I keep saying I know
But at the end of the day
I don't know what to do

So if someone finds a cure for nostalgia,
Please come looking for me.

You know,
I expected them to call out to her.
Like I could have done.
Because we were best friends and I had the right to,
And everyone could see and know that.
Were.
At that moment they didn't,
So I continued to listen, waiting.
I thought to myself how I expect them to,
But that even though,
If they did I'd somehow be disappointed.
Then they did so I just thought about it.
But they didn't call from much of a distance after her.

Let me feel the cold.
Won't you let the heavens relieve the snow?
Can't I be caved in on the inside out?
I want to feel the bracing cold pain me,
I want to feel it hard.
But nothing will shove away what I feel;
What I feel and what I don't.
I don't know why I always have to **** up,
I don't know what's the best to do for him,
I don't know what I've gone and done.
I don't want to be here.
I told myself not to get anyone else in my life,
Because then it would be easier to want to go,
Maybe I could but I won't because I can't.
I'm left here wondering why I'm so ****** up,
And I admit to him that I am just that,
And he says no you're not and asks me why,
I just say "reasons" and I can't name any;
I can't think of any to name,
Any that won't go down too deep.
Why, oh why can't I ever do anything?
Why can't I just be normal and have the right feelings?

I wish I could just simply run.
I want to know what it feels like,
to run outside in moon or daylight.
I want to feel the fresh air,
and feel like i'm not being looked at.
I want to know what it feels like,
to not be scared to jog outside and then see people.
I don't want to be made fun of,
I don't 'do' public exercise.
Anyway, I probably wouldn't be bothered,
if I felt that I could try.

It's stuck in my head,
Until it's gone,
When I can make endless complaints
Endless back stabs to match.
But till its gone, it is there.
After it's been there and gone,
It is there again.
Every night of everyday
And also in random hours of my days.
I see the old, then I see the new.
It seems my world has turned black and blue.
My heart beats faster
And my eyes: they cry.
I feel I am mourning a loss;
Of someone never born to be able to die.
It's the cases like this
That are always the worst.
You think you've found someone,
When they're not there at all.
So many good times
Have all gone down the drain,
Because everyone's a faker.
Don't you know I hate liars?
You liar, you deceitful and manipulative ****!
You *****!
I hate you,
I hate you,
And then I hate you even more.
What you have done made me fall to the floor.
I don't know how I can get through this,
Because last time I could just hate,
Which still I am doing.
You make that more difficult.
Because when all the memories
Come back again,
I don't want to believe that was you,
Surely it can't be true?
But I know too well
To be fooled more than once,
Not that there's a way you would make it twice,
Because you hate me too.
It's all because of you.
And her
And the other.
All "best friends" do
Is end up having to stab each other.
You see I am missing,
Someone nonexistent.
I knew it was too good to be true,
But that won't stop me bleeding.
I wish the 'you' I was friends with
Was actually real.
Instead I just feel messed over,
All over again.
I don't want to picture,
Not anymore,
Of what's flashing through my head.
The so many too good times.
They've been damaged again.
I trusted you
As I trusted them all,
Because you have to trust to do anything at all.
Again and again trusting proved to be devastating,
Because there is no one who actually
Has your back.
So no I don't want to picture,
I don't want another picture game.
When I'm talking about you in rants,
The devil is your name.
When I'm speaking I do not have to be sad,
It's only the times that I get to think on my own,
When I feel even more torn down.
When I see you walking around,
I wish you were not.
Do you know not what exactly you all have caused?
I can hear you all talking,
Just like we all used to do,
Then the thousands of memories
Come flooding in once again.
And until I convince myself to dry up my emotions,
I watch the dry river banks
Become diluted without letting the rain fall.
Because my tears;
You never deserved them at all.
I don't want to picture what you may think of me.
If you hate me then go on,
You can resent me as much as you can.
But maybe you'd like to know:
I stood up for you.
Even though it was proved to be true.
I didn't believe it at first,
Because it was you.
How dare you!
If you think I didn't know reasons to take sides,
Didn't you think I would defend you as I did her?
Well I ******* tried!
And if roles were reversed then I would've taken yours,
As it wasn't out of favouritism as it stood,
But because you were so unbelievable
That nothing could be done.
No friendship was saved.
Being civilised?
Well I just try to ignore your name.

I'm looking at the number,
But it is too young
And too old.
It's when everything is decided
And I've already messed up.
I'll never be able to forget how bad life is,
Because I won't get the chances to take my mind of it.
I've failed now, that I can't change,
But it effects my grades,
Which will effect my far future grades,
Effecting what job I could get,
So I won't have the money to enjoy life;
To let me forget how ****** up I've become.
Everything is failing now.
Yet still I am supposed to stay and happily watch.
How many times do I have to say "I don't want to be here?"
If it's the number I've started with;
Then I think I should be gone.
16 years, do I have to have even 16 more?

Has anyone noticed how sad it is?
It can seem like the only thing people look to succeed in,
Is in loosing weight.
People constantly talk about it.
Don't pretend you don't hear their plans.
No one seems to be happy.
They just want to loose weight.
Okay if you're not a healthy weight,
It's good to try to loose some.
Well that depends on how.
Then there's those who are skinny.
Or even just a decent size.
It seems like no matter what they all want to be lighter.

Then there's people like me.
You see I'm here too,
But this isn't what I choose to do.
Call me fat if you want to.
Call me what you like.
I eat what I want.
How much I want.
Whenever I want.
I have no limit and I don't keep a record.
If you kept on track of what I eat,
And you think it's unhealthy.
Still you can say what I want.
I still look after myself in the way that I am healthy.
I'm not the healthiest of course.
I don't really mind.
I'm fine so I don't care.
It's not like I'm skinny.
I don't know if you'd call my body decent,
As it's all about the beholder.
Here's what I think,
It's that I'm probably the happiest about my body.
Or at least for the past year just gone.
I'm not bothered to change.
Why try to loose weight,
When my weight's okay?
Right now I don't mind my body.
I wouldn't get fulfilment out of workouts and diets.
Not right now.
That would not make me happy.
More likely stressed and annoyed.
I won't set myself up for failure,
For a success I don't even want.

If I could lock this all up in a bottle
Fill it with stones, I'd throw it into the water
And watch it as it drowns
All my sorrows, all the pain
Along with the disasters and too many betrayals;
From those that I loved most,
Or so I thought,
But it turned out they weren't themselves at all.
It doesn't sting it just tears
Everything completely apart.
As for the last, I had already learned why not to trust
But still you have to trust someone even though you know not,
Because that's just the way that the world has to turn.
You still believe a few,
However you believed them all when they were false.
But you have to put faith somewhere so you do,
Yet you're still terrified these as well aren't true.
If only it were a foolish boy
Then life would live on and it wouldn't matter,
Because anyway it's to be expected:
That guys will break girls hearts.
No, if only, but no
Instead they're your best friends.
Except they're not,
Everyone's just fake now.
There's no realists anymore.
If I could wash away the deceitfulness they gave,
Maybe someway a wound could heal.
But it can't 'cause it's too deep
And infected with grief of those you thought existed;
Instead everyone is just misleading and manipulative.
The worst thing because you could never see it coming,
Until it crushes you to near death.
Betrayal at its best.
Fakers at their worse depth to the innocent.  
There is never an end
Just torture.

You're not going to let it win
You are not going to let it destroy you
You are going to find control
You're going to accomplish what you plan
It's going to be left as a ship wreck
And be compared to your successes
You are going to do this
You are going to get through this

I'm not going to let it win
I am not going to let it destroy me
I am going to find control
I'm going to accomplish what I plan
It's going to be left as a ship wreck
And be compared to my successes
I am going to do this
I am going to get through this

I'm not going to let MDD win
I am not going to let MDD destroy me
I am going to take its control
I'm not going to let MDD stop me from accomplishing what I have planned
My MDD is going to be left as a ship wreck
And be compared to my achieved successes
I am going to do this and beat MDD
I am going to get through MDD's disturbances

And I will not let it prevent me from living

I suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder

It pushes me around
Kills my hopes and dreams
And contributes to my wish of never being born
But maybe I can try
If I put my head into a good perspective
To gain the control
Back into my life

Why should we have to suffer?

So I find your door
All broken down
And I tap it gently,
Loud enough to say that I knocked,
But quiet enough
To walk in without an invite.
I see you on your knees
Then look down to the floor,
Where I find the place is a mess
Just like you say it is inside of your head.
Whilst I ponder over what's going on;
I find you.

You look bruised and burned
And claim you wonder why I bother,
But I don't care
As long as I get to have you here.
Even when your words are ice cold
I can still feel the fire in your soul,
So it doesn't matter what you speak
As it doesn't matter what you preach.
I'm learning you like my favourite song,
So that I can and I do this;
I find you.

I find you;
And I do as a child finds the alphabets letters;
The beans in the soup;
The sauce in the ketchup bottle.
I care and I want you.
Without a master plan,
I still try and make you confide,
Even though it doesn't always work.
This much so,
That it resorts to screaming
All the jumbled up words
That we may have learned.
As surely as it is
Dark in the night
And light in the day;
I find you.

And I will always try to find you,
If it's the first and last thing I do everyday.
So you should not worry,
For if you get lost
I will find you.
I don't care if it involves
Wasting my own life away;
For you, my love,
I will find you,
Just to keep you warm
And kiss you hello and goodbye.

Thank you so much.
You helped me,
You saved me before it was too late.
I was losing the plot;
Thought I was a psychopath,
When all I've ever wanted was to prove my normality.

You saved me.
Just in time because I was losing my wits.
You saw me struggle and you helped me.
You showed me the way.

I can't thank you enough.
With the whole world against me,
It was proving what I've always known was wrong.
But then you showed me that I was right.
That I am okay and not to worry.
The relief felt like you gave me an uplifting hug,
Even though I never saw you there.

Inside me something's screaming.
No, I'm screaming.
It's telling me I'm insane.
It's telling me to stop.
To change and act normal.
I'll try to distract myself,
But really I'm not.
It's still there.
The abnormal me is still there.
Suddenly I've found there's a word.
I'm pretty sure it fits.
I'm not sure that I'm not even more outrageous,
But just trying to make the wrong puzzle piece fit.
Wanting to continue,
But wanting it to end.
I want to live my life.
Not be buried in this made up mess.
My made up mess.
Skylar Grey says "you can't haunt me"
Well this already is.
I'd love to say I won't let you in,
I will win,
But that's not what I'm doing.
It's comfort and pain.
At least I know it's real.
That I'm not the only one.
However I'm still stuck here like this.
Would I rather be numb?
In the articles I read:
"Sometimes painfully aware."
Yeah, it's really painful right now.
Because I know that I'm imagining,
And that's not what people do.
I've always tried to prove I'm normal.
Now it feels as if the whole world has slapped me in the face.
Repeatedly.
And this won't be the end.
They'll find more things to bother me with.
And I'm just not meant to care!
You could say this is getting interesting,
But I'm not sure what else the world could have to share;
About "me".
Well they clearly don't know anything.
That's what I hope.
It's also what I know is false.