I want to die
But I don’t know what that is.
No, I don’t just want things to be alright.
I’m tired of this world and life.
I want to write one more poem.
To let the story have an end.

And then leave by myself.
Which seems impossible for me, to just let everything go.
It took me everything to do everything in this life already.
Have it be ok enough to survive.
But it never really worked and it never felt alright.
So please let the story end.

Tell me where I will be free and where I’ll find my place.
A world of freedom with my old friends and feelings.
Still there but feeling good and better.
Not sick but in my power.
In love and able to rest in peace.
And fly away.

I can’t find my world in here.
Let me go soon now.
Write the end chapture here.
Let me die, let me go.
Let me find my courage to let go of everything, it’s not even working.
Ever.
Yet it’s all I really know.

I tried before to go.
Wasn’t my time.
Same right now, still things to wait for.
For people, for me.
Born suicidal, I hate this world, the life, the constant merciless days and nights.

I wanted euthanasia but in the end it was denied, trying again, reapplied.
Intensely long waiting time.

Although I know there’s more to this torturing life.
And every chapture had its own little subjects that perfectly align.
But now I need to die!
I want to, I have to.
Let me say goodbye, tell you “This is the end”.
For once and for all.
In this life for me finally.
Goodbye, goodbye.

The end.

I fought a snake last night.
A boy came after me to do the same.
But I told him I already did it.
He seemed to not really believe that I already gone through this fight.
It was over but he made me do it again.
So I threw the boy to the snake and ran.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave.

Be free.
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

I don’t know why this keeps on happening.
It’s like I’m forced to fight every time before being able to let go.
Can’ t just shake it off cause there’s always something, somebody left to fight with or fight for.
And afterwards being afraid of what will be my sentencing.
It’s unacceptable, you did something horrible.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave

**** it off and then you can run free!
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

Life = death &
Death = life.
When you let go you will know.
You will know when you let go.

Why do I try when everything sinks and the water keeps flowing?
Why do I plant seeds when in this land nothing is growing?
Why do I buy clothes for a body that I don't know?
Why do I put glitter on when another cry soon will follow?
Disappointed but alive, or dead?
I don't know what feels worse.
But when I have to be alive I'll always keep on trying to cure this curse.
But why?! Cause I'm a bad bad nurse!!!
I want to be able to **** the reason why I fight.
I don't mind if I die in the process.
Dying in this way is progress.
How many times do I have to keep trying to explain it?
Will the right people get it when I'm dead?
Will they admit?
I'm a nurse that will always be bad.
Bad at living, bad with an attitude, bad and in a bad mood.
Bad but good.
Sometimes feeling alright too.
When I smile when I see you.
But please get it now.
I'm trying to find the poison to **** that virus that's in me and it will **** me.
And it's fine and the truth and it's just all reality.
But doctors never want to see that and only they can provide it.
One day I'll make my own and not just a little bit.
Just wait and see, watch me and change things hopefully.

Just like a lost soul wandering but in a body.
That's been me now for so long.
But I'm getting ready.

Still developed a lot myself.
Had influence on others.
But wandering without a future, not yet ready to die.
Holding on like that for so long.
Untill I was ready.

Tried to leave but failed a couple of times.....
Now I finally received a way out that is sure to succeed.
Still the hardest thing to do.
Very lonely.
I just had to wait a little longer....

Then one night my mom told me: you've got to end this, make a plan now finally and make up your mind!
My fiery mom.
With old Norse wisdom inside of her naturally.

It had to be my time though.
An old friend apologized to me when he saw me again.
He needed that before I left.
But now it's time to get ready, not hang around in limbo.

My mom is right.
My mom, equal in my battles.

I had to realize I need to be a true Viking.
Find pride and courage in the sacrifice.
The hardest one.
Dying in battle.
My only escape.

God, it's not a thing, it's not nothing.
Bigger than what we can make of it in here.
Look wider, feel further.
The gates are always open.
It's not a loop of a conspiracy theory.
It's not the act of just world leaders in control.
It goes beyond this world, the matrix.
You'll find in your heart what's right.

There's dirt underneath me.
I walk around lost in my body.

A neon zombie.
Through the night.
Neon zombie through the night holding a magic light.
As a guide.

But Everything is aching.
Everything is falling.
And the neon zombie is crawling.
And when it can run, it runs off into space.
Lasers coming from its eyes in a daze.

Although it knows where it belongs and it's not in this body.
Dirt underneath a body.
All around here now and inside of me.
Help, I'm wandering in the space that's left for me not walking freely.

There's dirt underneath me.
I walk around lost in my body.

Still walk neon zombie.
You are never comfy.
With your neon face staring into space.
Before you enter.
Unexpected but always from the centre.

Can I still walk with you, or should I just wait?
So tired of being lost facing this closed gate. (it's closed)
Walking only kills the time and burns away the need and desire.
To not be on fire.

All the time killing time in a tunnel where all babies should die.
And I know why.
It's getting late and it's getting dark.
So sleep before the neon lights spark.

Take my hand and we’ll jump through the pastel chalk powder.
We can be a different creature.
Both of us can go and feel at home.
Not here.

This can be an ode to my friends and my closest family.
Because you are always so dear and understanding, especially now that we're here.
Finally.
Look now all around, it feels full of options but it still makes you nauseous, yes I know.

Take my hand and let me show you why I have to go through the pastel powder.
Let me be a different creature, I feel sick when I stick around.
Both of us can feel at home now when we jump right through the ground.
A chalk pavement painting.

Let's go right into the pavement painting.
Let me take you.
Pastel, not too bright but soft and light.
Comfortable.

This painting is an ode to my dear friends and closest family.
Because you're always so dear and some things you understand so well.
Come on let me take care of those wounds and soreness with a chalk powder.
A soft chalky powder smell.


And soft colours for strange creatures.
We can be.
A different kind of creature when we go through the chalk powder on the pavement.
Take my hand, we can be, we can be...

Soft.
Comfortable.
Happy.
Smooth.
Peaceful.
Loving.

How to get through the day after another bad night, hating life…!…? 😭

Can I call the forest from my room?
Sing the energy off my spirit?
The forest is so far away but when I close my eyes I’m there.
I can lie in a bath of roses and light some purple and black candles.
Dive my head into the water.
Freeing myself for a moment like I’m all alone in the dark.

Not the same as being alone in the forest.
Not the same as being the exact final form I’m longing for.
Feeling the way I can only get a glimpse of through that music.
My beloved songs and dear energies that I was able to receive from people that I love.
I feel like that’s where I belong, where I can feel these feelings.
Intensely purely, growing from the balance that comes from life.
My life on earth.

And now new life on earth is growing.
I’m growing as a being.
Still taking in each development.
Trying to be patient.
To understand why so much has been hurting all in one life that still has to be.
Still has to move on.
Still has to grow.
Still finds new forms.
When can I set it free and be my purest version?
I’m longing for that day.

🖤🌹🥚🌹🥚🌹🖤

You still miss her so much.
I feel it when I touch the keys of your laptop.
Wet from your teardrop.
Last night there was a birthday party.
For a boy that was a zombie.
He didn't exist, only his mother.
In a ghost home like no other.
Dark and brown.
In a ghost town.
I watched them from very far away.
I watched a mother and child that used to play.
You'll find ways.
You'll find ways and people and days.
It will be so hard, impossible and too much.
Like trying to sleep when there's nothing that feels right for your body to touch.
And it all falls apart again.
And you have to start again and again.
Always with too many things happening.
And no certainty and the world spinning.
On and and on.
How to go on? How to hold on?
Falling backwards again into the storm.
Uncomfortable and cold in every form.
The calm before and after the hit.
And the loving inside surrounding it...
You just hold me when everything falls.
When the siren calls...

You a rare piece of the galaxy.
A little too far out of reach for me.
They say: Don't lose diamonds while collecting stones.
Find the right energy that you can feel through skin and bones.
Or just one that fits.
Or a hard rock that hits.
Escaping from an explosion.
A big bang or an emotion.
You are a meteorite.
I watch you shining so bright.
And I feel your perfect energy.
But you are a little too far out of reach for me.
Please come collect me.
One day take me away to your world and little galaxy.
I'm an alien lost in space.
With an alien body and face.
And I'm finding the energy that feels right.
When you hit me like a meteorite.
Where do I go from the black hole?
Where do I float through with my alien soul?
Take me home to my destiny.
Take me home to my galaxy.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

Or maybe you'll just go back to another one of all those mortal places.
Well I'd say, I won't follow the light.
I've seen these tunnels many times.
Many different types.

I liked to enter them a lot but I won't go to the end again.
Maybe next time I'll try to resist temptation, not even get in.
Cause you've got to finish what you start like every end has to begin.
So even though I like the sight of a tunnel in the night I'll just leave and go inside myself.

And who will be the guard this time?
Will the feeling be like the vision?
I don't like this world, don't take me back.
Can I trust you when I lookat you?
I'll feel it on the inside.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

There’s nothing better than being consciously out of it.
Carrying that white flag all aware of it.
Breaking the barriers.
Wasting away in my comfort that’s slipping away every second.
And hopefully coming back.

Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***.
Sometimes there's a way out.

And a dreamland in the inbetween.
Seeing things you haven't seen.
But there are some boundaries.

There are little worlds behind them.
You can see them but you can't go there yet.
And creatures walking around you ignoring you.
This world is not yet yours.

Midnight at the matrix.
Trying to get ready to relax.
Finishing your last phone call.

You both broke down on the other side of the line.
Both vacuum ****** and you can't get through the end of the bowl.
Cause there's no end at all.
No end in a vacuum bowl.

Still not completely ****** in the same way.
But soon you'll be ****** together in the same old bowl.
One of you just came out of war, the other out of hell.
Not much difference, still a world of a difference.

One is still and the other always ill.
Cause being ****** in a bowl where everything is too much makes you never relax...
Being ****** in a bowl after a war is a calm in the eye of a storm.
An eye of glass....

Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***.
Sometimes there's a way out.

Today is heavy, my soul carrying my body.  
Yesterday we were walking chased by a black dog.
Everywhere he followed me and my body.
But when we tried to approach him, he ran as fast as a fox can.

We let him play this game for a while under a bright full moon in the sky.
Walking to the bridge, sitting under trees.
Staring at the sky, seeing the dog come and go.
Until we got fed up and left to let him sort it out.
He never came back anymore.

Today we had a meltdown, too much to carry to carry on.
So we let it flow and accepted that you can’t fully explain this world and people are suffering.
We’ve been lost all throughout this life and only gathered pieces to guide us through a journey that taught us that everything has a story.

And we gathered those with us as well.
So many, still so lost.
But nothing is wrong and nothing is right.
It all just is what it is at that moment or that lifetime.
This soul carrying this body today...
It’s always longing to see and be beyond this one.

I have died so many times.
I saw the light, I know it.
But I can't deny the dark.
Dying and darkness is needed to burst and make the light come through.
So I know the dark and I know the light but I haven't died enough times.
Not enough to be free.
Can a person ever know all the light and all the dark and still be white like the light?
In all this darkness I know I learned to love it.
And I think there's nothing wrong with it as long as it is right.
Like a darkness full of stars that means no harm.
Like a peaceful room to rest in and close your eyes.
I have died so many times.
So I know how to die but I don't like to die in the light.

I can look at death.
I take its hand.
Help me to feel alive.
Cause I know you're there.
Now I can just fight.
I got nothing to lose and a lot of love to give.
Help me give it.
I'll take you by the hand.
Walk on your highway before I pass.
I love to know you're there to recue me.
When I can't go on.

Being forced to ''run away'' because of not having a place to stay almost felt comfortable.
When you can't be comfortable anywhere.
Not with all the many painful things hitting.
Over and over day and night, so many feelings and complicated thinking...
In the end it will all fall into place, I know but it's so hard to function with all these things in the way!

Being forced to run away because of not having a place to stay.
Nothing to lose, all that matters is love and music.
Maybe some day I'll land somewhere and be able to love that.
Love being there, being there with someone and loving with all my being.
But if I can't be living, let me do something that is worth something to the ones I love.
I love how we got through life so far, we have come so far.

I love who you have become, who you've been and just who you are.
But when I look at stupid me, the naive person I had to be I can't help but hate her for all she didn't know.
But I understand why she was like that, I just never knew why it had to be.
Why was my journey so rough?
Why is yours rough too?
Journeys, worries, pain cause it's blurry and you don't know how to get through the smoke.
Am I the devil's toy or joke?

Does the universe hate me?
Can the universe not take me?
Am I feeling to it like I'm feeling right now, how I've been feeling all my life?
The fighting was good and all, very insightfull.
Let me go.

Being forced to run.
Being forced to run away.
Run if you can!
Be happy when you can.
Cause some can't run.
Some are forced to stay.
And what is worse?
Being forced to stay or being forced to run away?

I'm in love with a person who has severe social anxiety.
He does not come out of his cave unless he's got something amazing to show me.
And I am always on the run from where I live and all the noises, all the discomfort.
I'm not afraid to die, I hate my life.
I wish to be somebody, somebody that can reach you or just anybody.
But not me or my sister because she's fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if I have to live I need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and just not really worth it anymore.

But what can I do?
What can you do?
How can I love you?
What can I do for you?
What can we do.
How, what but....

Help, I just exploded and so I woke you when you were half asleep.
You said you didn't mind and so now we had another time to find how we relate.
We relate, relate too much.
I wish it was just me dying and miserably lonely.
But the monster had to bite you now too and it even figures that it has some real and pretty very serious kind of catching up to do.
On you, my sister and so now you're fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if you have to live you need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and you wonder if it really is even worth it anymore.

But now what can you do?
What can I even do?
You know I love you.
What can it do for you?
What can we do?
How, what, but...

I love you.

I'm in love but I can never love you like I wish to.
I love you but I can never be there for you.
But, what, how...

I really really really really loooove, love, love, love, will always love, will always be connected to....
Will always be in love and will always really love, love, love, yes I really always looooove you!!!

I remember when I felt it first.
Around eight years old.
First the doctors took it seriously.
But then they found nothing, so it was nothing.
It changed anyway.

Now it burns somewhere behind my eyes but I still couldn't tell exactly where.
I just feel like staring.
But that is not very comfy either after a while.
Oh well when I'm floating around with this music I can even sing along.
Hard to breathe but who needs breathing when you can be singing.
Feels like flying in a beautiful swirl.

The problem is that I'm not alone, or that I'm all alone might be the problem actually.
But when I'm not the only one who gets affected, then I can't say I got nothing left to lose.
But nobody's winning in this world anyway.
I just hope that the people I care about can feel a swirl of love and not hurt too much.

Why are we hurting from intensely burning and am I still just over here running?
In a swirl.
Go with me so we won't have to die alone or go on but stay in a swirl going round and round.
I know where to get that pill if that'll be your will.
Some of us are kept down but maybe they'd be too strong when they rise.

We'll always find our way to the next day.
Even with our eyes in a swirl.
My sister is locked up in a curl but she's stronger that the world so the world has swallowed her into a deep shadow land.
Where only one heart was burried which she found and so dug it up and carried it around.
Trying to bring it to savety.

But it's there for her only cause the doctors cannot save her.
I can only promise that this too shall pass.
And I will fight so that another life may not be one of ony longing for a way out of this swirl.
A spinning wheel will turn this all around.
And I will send it to the earth from some other galaxy or holy sound.

Don't wait for a doctor, swirling girl.
It's all that I can say, behind your eyes are swirling cries every day cause you can't run away.
But don't wait, just close your eyes if all you can do now is be.
Being is enough, even though it hurts, you still can love.
And I love you but all I can do is stare.
From a distance in a swirl, it may be bigger than this world.
So are you.

I cannot live with somebody else.
I cannot even live with myself.

Standing here in that dark room looking away.
I let you take advantage of me.
But now I even feel so much more empty.
It was something I just felt I had to do, a bucket list thing.
Don’t know what I was thinking, just a feeling.

But I learned that there’s a thin line between giving something and giving even more.
It’s confusing, I don’t even know exactly what you took.
I just feel so empty.

So now I’m standing in a dark room in my head looking back.
I thought it should be fine as long as I would keep thrack of what was yours and what was mine.
Now I know that there’s a thin line....

You aimed for the most or you just didn’t aim right.
So it landed somewhere where it hurts.
On me and now I even feel so much more empty.
It was something I just felt I had to do, a bucket list thing.
Don’t know what I was thinking, just a feeling.

It started off right, trusting letting go.
Killing off the gatekeeper.
I should just have let him take a break.
Not take him to the grim reaper.

But now I know that there’s a thin line between giving something and giving even more.
It’s confusing, I don’t even know exactly what you took.
I just feel so empty.

I am that little destroy toy.
Anya Anyway.
I am a little annoy boy.
Stuck in heavy discomfort all day.

When you scroll down, do you like anything?
When you get down, you do miss something?
Anyway.
Fighting, rushing.
Tightening feeling.

Do you want to be seen?
To be happy?
Cause you're learning so much more in the dark night scene!
Now you're ******!

Destroy toy.
Filthy.
Rotten.
Skum.
Absolutely ******.

I am a little destroy toy.
Anya anyway.
You are a little annoy boy.
Underneath you are so miserable everyday.

When you come up with this nonsense to cover your misery.
I'd like to cover it with mistery.
But I'm angry too often.
And you're kind.
So never mind.
Anyway...

Let's learn in the dark night scene.
And come completely clean, what is it that you really mean?

I am that little destroy toy.
Anya Anyway.
I am a little annoy boy.
Stuck in heavy discomfort all day.

Life's never easy.
We're not here for a good time.
So I became crazy.

Life is not worth the pain. But life is all you have in the moment. Death doesn’t come on demand even if you try. It’s not that simple. Death is a journey too and life is a journey towards death. You can only follow yourself is what I found out. Why should you follow just any “light” that appears?

Eve C6SS6NDR6

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

I Live like there’s no tomorrow
Be who I want to be
And be happy about it

That’s what I try to tell myself

My latest name is Eve C6SS6NDR6
Eve is more relaxed than Shadow, the previous.

She can stay up late.
And listen to her playlist forever.

But there’s an energy of love so pure that she can only feel in dreams.
Sleeping peacefully.

It’s hard to get there.
But she remembers it well.

The songs of the playlist are still playing.
When she wakes up she hears them in her head.

Up like there’s no tomorrow.
Wanting to die but not now.
And be happy about it.

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

Sedate me.
Too many reasons for being sad.
Too many things not being right.
I can’t make them… right, they’re not alright.
It’s never right.
Same old, not alright.
Sedate me.

I want more.
I want to show you more.
I want to see more.
I want more.
I want to feel you more.
I want to feel more good.

I want less.
I want to talk less.
I want to talk with you less.
I want less.
I want to think less.
I want to feel less darkness.

The “easy way out” will only cause more pain in the end.
Life demands you to go through it.
You don’t know where it ends.
When the hurting will go.
You just have to keep moving, marching in circles.
The “easy way out” does not exist.

The easy way out is not in suicide and if you don’t survive it was your way to die.
No questions about “what if..?”
“If” can only be used in the present or future.
You may learn along the way.
Or just stay in your “save zone”, pretend like you already know.

I don’t think I can get through this.
Not another way, time, especially night.
Saw my brain in 1,2,3,4,5.
Saw me in half.
I don’t know.
Call me selfish, break my shell, break my body.
It’s stuck anyway, and it’s been that way since birth.
I know there are ways to set it free.
Many times they don’t work.

I wish I couldn’t see the things that aren’t ok.
I wish I didn’t feel the pain.
I wish I didn’t hear the noise.
And that I was just able to move without the tension.
I’m so stuck.
I’m so sad.

I wish I could leave this dark place and the pressure.
I wish I was free from everything.
I wish it stopped, all of the pushing and pulling.
At last.

I’m so dark but my hair is light.
Dying it won’t fix anything.
So I try not to be tempted.
Leave me be, I’m so sad and so tired of it.

Why would you stay in this comfort when it’s bringing you discomfort?
The tree lets the wind take its leaves.

As long as I need to I will try to make it right.            
But I can’t wait for that day where I can leave it all behind.
It takes so much time, so much pain everyday.
My eyes are sore, my body stiff and tired.

Resting isn’t helping.
So I’m exercising slowly.
Trying to wind down.
Till it’s all done and I can move on.
Today and the next day.

I want to change everything.
I want to be dancing in a world that’s mine only.
With lots of things.
And you can join me in your world.

Broken, don’t function.
Frozen, eruption.
Stiff before explosion.
Processing in slow motion.
Stiff, waiting, breathing.
Is it living?
Breaking, dying but always finding a new way.

I am dying, I am standing up high, I can’t bend.
I am walking through the dark blue.
All that dark blue shimmering and my face and my eyes.
And my dark hair almost dry now in the wind.

Hearing my footsteps on the pavement and the bass drum in my ear.
Final chapter, making it worth sticking around for.
Final chapter, making it matter.
I can opt out at any time now.
Nothing to lose.

I want it all: I want a bath of chocolate milk.
I want his love and a dress of silk.
I want to be bald and punk with a lot of hair.
I want to be passionate and I don't want to care.

And I got all of this but I also want to die.
Cause my body and soul can't get by.
But I want to wait.
Too much to celebrate.
I want to go.
Too many steps to follow.

I want to do all these things.
******* by strings, a deep wound that stings.
Waiting and moving standing still.
Feeling ill.

Ice around my spine.
I dug my grave on this earth.
I keep waking up from the sounds.
What would it be like, resting in peace?
Like a long sleep?
If I can dream I will come in.

Into the long resting in peace before the journey back.
Back home after the battles for peace.
With ice around my spine I lie there now.
Waiting in the grave.

My grave I dug right on this earth because I’m not ok with being not ok.
Not ok all of my life and now I’m so uncomfortable and tired.
Just lying there with ice around my spine.
Having to wait.

Icy grave, ice grave.
I cannot escape.
I’m swimming but I’m not ok.
I’m not resting.
Tired of swimming in my icy grave.
Ice grave.

I can’t sleep because I’m uncomfortable and wake up from everything. I’m uncomfortable because I can’t sleep and get overwhelmed by many things. My body feels on fire but also very tired. Like there’s a dark thick substance running through it hurting from left to right.

Death is a strange thing.
But when life is torturing...
Death whispers a soft lullaby.
A sweet and bitter goodbye.
An I’m so sorry to friends and family.
There’s still a place where we can be.
I’ll try to be there.
When you ever feel the horror and the torture that somehow some people must bare.
I know all about the suffocation of life and how it makes your body and mind feel too old.
Your cramping muscles too sore and your inside too cold.
No way to calm it down but I will somehow change it cause I must.
It’s something I do for me and something you have to trust.
Because there’s no other way and it won’t go away.
Even when I dance in a trance.
I need no more torture.
No more torture.

Death is a strange thing.
Death is living.
When life is torturing.
Whisper sweet lullabies as I’m crying, as you’re crying.
Please understand, I’m never leaving because I’m never leaving you forever.
And I care but it’s so dark and merciless here that it gives me a fever.
One I can only escape in a sweet lullaby.
In a sweet bitter goodbye.
Goodbye, goodnight, I love you, feel the sparkle, feel the warm embrace from behind.
I’m never gone you’ll find.
It will be another night for a moth lying on its side with its arms and legs on its side.
Wings covering its tiny body.
Exhausted and weary, feverish and a tickling cough.
Can’t keep eyes open, can never fully drift off.

Last night I went to a closed down circus in the city.
A sad clown came up to me.
He kissed me till I had his red lips.
A kiss from a clown is so bold and bright red.
After that you cannot possibly look sad.

So I will go back another night to see if he would be there again.
In my dream later he tells me that this was something between me and him.
Next time bring your tutu dress and I will wear my best suit.
We'll be dancing all night and I'll promise to make your lips bright red.

As I write it all down after last night I hear the neighbours wake up too.
I paint my eyes like his eyes, at least I try to.
But I can't seem to get it right.
So what will I do about tonight?
I shed a little tear, I feel so helpless.
But then I notice it looks good now and I put on the tutu dress.

I take a bus to the city and stare somewhere.
The sad clown must be already waiting there.
At the empty circus.
To give me a clowny kiss.
Only his.

I call for him as I pass the entrance.
Sad clown, sad clown, I'm here for romance.
And so we dance.
Like it's the last night.
It will be the last night...
Red lips, red stains, red, all red, red red, pain.
Don't leave me bleeding, but he goes running as I am dying.

Oh come on.
It’s not right.
I’m tuning in to the deep within.
Telling the source of my agony.
Let me go.
I try to let my body fall down into the sky.
And I’ll be fine, I’ll make it through for a while.
I have patience and just be.
Try my best.
But I don’t like it anymore.
It hurts all the time.
It’s not right.
Oh come on.

Can I just stand here and disappear?
I don’t want to have to do it all by myself.
You know, I tried it before.
And where do all these evil people come from?
Same place as all of us?
I won’t come back here.
Maybe they will, I’m sure they will.
This place called earth is full of hell.

Tired in a cherry world.
I’m running down the lane, across the hallway and the fluffy walls.
Sorry but I missed the train.
I’m tired and I can’t see where I’m going.
But I also can’t sleep.
I’m uncomfortable so I went to this cherry land.

There’s no other place where I can stay.
And I’m still running but in a cherry place.
I think I might be here for a little while.
Cherry cheeks and cherry beer.
Cherry lips of course…
Rainbows, raining cherries.
And some clouds in the sky, so light and pink.

I wish I was light in myself.
No feeling heavy inside.
That’s why I leave to the cherry tree.
To lie down but I’m not comfortable at all.
So I get up and run and eat a bun with sweet cinnamon.

**** me and let me bleed cherry.
Thick sweet cherry colored fluid from inside, let me fall, let it rain, cherry blood.
The stains will never be washed away.
Easter is coming.
And I’m painting the eggs.
Cherry red in a fluffy basket.
Safely tucked in.
They won’t crack easily.

Unless you throw them and they splash.
Cherry liquid love.
They spread it over the sea.
And the Easter bunny is swimming.

Floating like a cherry in the lemonade pool, the tank with taps that lead to the can.
The can full of cherry liquor and cream.
I’m dressed in black with dark cherry stains.
Stamping on the cherries.

But I cut my feet, from the egg shells, the dyed chick’s eggs, died like me.
Died, dead, cherry, red.
Cause they got smashed.

And I was tired of being cracked and crying, cherry colored.
Waves of pain, witches that float, that see too many things through cherry seas.

🍒🌊🩸

I'm nowhere, I just want you to hold me and not move.
You don't have to try anything, you got nothing to prove.

When I walk I got a thousand question marks rising above my head.
Why am I still not dead?

I'm nowhere but I see a world in your stare.
Nowhere.

I'm still here and I think it's not fair.
It feels wrong.
I'm nowhere.
I'm really nowhere.
I'm really not there.

Looking around here, a new phase.
Again?!
A new looking face.
Where did my mind go when it ran?
Nowhere.
Only there where it can.

Nowhere and I see you there.
I'm still nowhere.
I will be around
When I'm found.

Look around.
Looking around new face and body.
I just want you to hold me.
You don't have to move.
I'm nowhere, what have I got to prove?

Nothing, I should know by now in this nowhere.
Nothing to prove, not a single care.
In the middle and stuck in everywhere.

When you thought you knew all the answers.
And everything changes.
Once again but with a more broad perspective.
Everything you're seeking becomes more effective.
Because you're seeking for the truth, the truth that is within.
Touch it, feel it through a human skin.

We are free.
Free from the heart.
We are free.
Free from the start.

Can you not just follow a program but feel where you must be?
You are a spiritual being that is longing to be free.
And maybe some of us are so fed up and tired of being stuck in this situation.
All around the universe it's possible, we have our possibilities in our own true self, our own true creation.
We can create and see anything when we're dreaming.

We are free.
Free from the heart.
We are free.
Free from the start.

But not when we're sleeping, take the ones that are willing.
Out of the matrix for a new beginning.
Maybe this was not in vain cause now you and I know how freedom really feels.
So I'm taking you through the spinning wheels.
Back home, back to the source, back to truth, our spiritual form.
Run with me, sing along, dance around, open your eyes through the storm.

We are free.
Free from the heart.
We are free.
Free from the start.
Free from the pain of the programm and programming.
Free to be.
Free to feel what you and I are really feeling, truly being.
We are free,
Free from the heart.
We are free.
Free from the start.

There was a rose.
Heavy and wild.
Feeling like a tunnel or going down.
He loved sleeping under the stars.

She loved being in the painting.
But it doesn’t matter.
It’s just words.

What about the beer?
Special kind.
It really is.
Let me fly.
I’m just in here listening and loving.
We only dream when we sleep deeply.
Sinking.
Into all the real truth.

I love you,  I make you love me.
Cause you are all I need.
Like special beer and wine.
And all that’s good.
Nothing else is worth it.
Living for. 😢

There’s a rose.
And everybody loves her.
And she’s dying.

🥀🥀🥀🥀

With you I found my limits.
And it hurts.
I can't blame you for showing them.
I wish I'd seen them before.
What I'm not able to give you.
While I feel the most intense love all the same.
My hands are shaking.
My head's hurting from walking around with the pain.
I could cry any moment of the day.
But instead I make new plans.
I keep walking.
What else can I do?
Setting you free.
Letting you live.
Letting you love.

I’ll be bathing in the softest substance
Just for when you’re ready to receive me.
If you know and understand me just enough.

Just enough to let me drown when it’s time to go.
Just enough to dance and swim when we still have time.

Just enough to let me lie down and close my eyes till the break of dawn.
To know that when I wake up you are the only bright sparkle in the sky.

It can no longer **** me when I'm dead already.  
I'm in love with knowing it killed me.
Taking off my body.
Like an old coat that I smacked on the floor.
Cause I really really don't need it anymore!

Here is the part where it changed me, it changed you.
I feel everything.
Everything coming through.
And I know and I understand.
How it feels to grow and to hold your hand.

My friends, my army and my family.
In me and me in you, you in me.
No longer will I feel heavy.
I am happy.
And in love cause it has killed me.
It can no longer **** me cause I'm dead already.
I'm so happy!

Two people in a bubble.
Are very lucky.
But are just as fragile.
As the bubble they live in.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Because they wanted to be.
Two people in a bubble.
They wanted to be ´´we´´.
And escape the horror.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Is it selfish to break
the bubble when it´s fake?
When you care, can you blow a nice one?
And let the other float off.
With a kiss and a cry and love.


Crying so hard filling the bubble with tears, it will break anyway.
Some day.

There's nothing that I ''could have'' or ''should have'' done.
I learn what doesn't work everyday from yesterday.
A new day to ''could'' maybe ''should''.
But it's ok.
I tried everything it seems.
Sometimes I fly but most of the time I'm bound in a chamber of despair.