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Standing here in that dark room looking away.
I let you take advantage of me.
But now I even feel so much more empty.
It was something I just felt I had to do, a bucket list thing.
Don’t know what I was thinking, just a feeling.

But I learned that there’s a thin line between giving something and giving even more.
It’s confusing, I don’t even know exactly what you took.
I just feel so empty.

So now I’m standing in a dark room in my head looking back.
I thought it should be fine as long as I would keep thrack of what was yours and what was mine.
Now I know that there’s a thin line....

You aimed for the most or you just didn’t aim right.
So it landed somewhere where it hurts.
On me and now I even feel so much more empty.
It was something I just felt I had to do, a bucket list thing.
Don’t know what I was thinking, just a feeling.

It started off right, trusting letting go.
Killing off the gatekeeper.
I should just have let him take a break.
Not take him to the grim reaper.

But now I know that there’s a thin line between giving something and giving even more.
It’s confusing, I don’t even know exactly what you took.
I just feel so empty.
29-10-20
Broken, don’t function.
Frozen, eruption.
Stiff before explosion.
Processing in slow motion.
Stiff, waiting, breathing.
Is it living?
Breaking, dying but always finding a new way.

I am dying, I am standing up high, I can’t bend.
I am walking through the dark blue.
All that dark blue shimmering and my face and my eyes.
And my dark hair almost dry now in the wind.

Hearing my footsteps on the pavement and the bass drum in my ear.
Final chapter, making it worth sticking around for.
Making it matter.
I can opt out at any time now.
Nothing to lose.
25-10-20
I fought a snake last night.
A boy came after me to do the same.
But I told him I already did it.
He seemed to not really believe that I already gone through this fight.
It was over but he made me do it again.
So I threw the boy to the snake and ran.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave.

Be free.
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

I don’t know why this keeps on happening.
It’s like I’m forced to fight every time before being able to let go.
Can’ t just shake it off cause there’s always something, somebody left to fight with or fight for.
And afterwards being afraid of what will be my sentencing.
It’s unacceptable, you did something horrible.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave

**** it off and then you can run free!
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

Life = death &
Death = life.
When you let go you will know.
You will know when you let go.
23-10-20
I don’t like the days and I don’t like the nights.
I only like parts.
I want to enter the part where I enter dreamland.
Forever.
Even while awake later.
Just outside flying with the wind.
No distraction.
Being what I want to be.
For once and for all.
I want peace and dreams.
In the dark and sometimes in the light too.
But not too light, I became allergic to light.
Cause this life has left me burning and not able to face the brightness of another difficult day.
And the sounds are so horrific that they take my soul to leave it lost in space.
And my body cannot move.
It’s lying there still.
21-10-20
Why would you stay in this comfort when it’s bringing you discomfort?
The tree lets the wind take its leaves.
21-10-20
Today is heavy, my soul carrying my body.  
Yesterday we were walking chased by a black dog.
Everywhere he followed me and my body.
But when we tried to approach him, he ran as fast as a fox can.

We let him play this game for a while under a bright full moon in the sky.
Walking to the bridge, sitting under trees.
Staring at the sky, seeing the dog come and go.
Until we got fed up and left to let him sort it out.
He never came back anymore.

Today we had a meltdown, too much to carry to carry on.
So we let it flow and accepted that you can’t fully explain this world and people are suffering.
We’ve been lost all throughout this life and only gathered pieces to guide us through a journey that taught us that everything has a story.

And we gathered those with us as well.
So many, still so lost.
But nothing is wrong and nothing is right.
It all just is what it is at that moment or that lifetime.
This soul carrying this body today...
It’s always longing to see and be beyond this one.
04-10-20
Restless.
The unknown and the very familiar knocking on your door.
Everyday.
Forcing you to have them make their way through.
You.
Breathing in and out, you try to be one with everything around you.
Wind.
Thinking the rain would be refreshing but today you can’t smell a thing.
Walking.
So restless and no control so having to surrender and give in.

To everything.
To everything, sometimes it gets so old to be dealing with the same things.
And not knowing if they will be what you hoped they would be.

So nice to just be able to be in the moment.
So nice to be able to share it.
So nice to have it all for yourself and not care whoever else is there.

Sing.
Breathing, or just making noises that you’re feeling like making.
Moving.
Not fighting your body in moving and movements in moments.
Cuddling.
Under a sheet and really loving somebody, their body.
Noticing.
And smiling and strechting, take a little breather.
Waking.
You know you’ve been through the night and there’s a new beginning.

Always hard and not very interesting and somebody will be taking your place.
Whether you’re rushing, stressing or forced to be resting.
Always starting over and over but oh, sometimes these moments...
They feel, taste, smell and look just so amazing.

And so you’re jumping and floating into the unknown or the very familiar.
And you’re opening the door.
Oh please, just open up that door.
I’m knocking...
I know you hear me.
03-10-20
I have died so many times.
I saw the light, I know it.
But I can't deny the dark.
Dying and darkness is needed to burst and make the light come through.
So I know the dark and I know the light but I haven't died enough times.
Not enough to be free.
Can a person ever know all the light and all the dark and still be white like the light?
In all this darkness I know I learned to love it.
And I think there's nothing wrong with it as long as it is right.
Like a darkness full of stars that means no harm.
Like a peaceful room to rest in and close your eyes.
I have died so many times.
So I know how to die but I don't like to die in the light.
25-09-20
Broken soul over and over.
Still expected to be fighting.
No peace at all or sleeping.
It hurts to be a magical demon.

Unable to escape the noises again so a headache and the magic is gone.
Unable to sleep from the discomfort and sounds, bed on its side.
Stuck in pain, stuck in feelings, stuck in thoughts.
Magical magical demon doing the most.
To fight off the ghost.

But nothing matters when everything is wrong so the ghost and ocd can all come triggering me.
Whatever, eat me, break my soul all over again.
Even though I tried to maintain myself in this plan.
Apparently nothing works so let me be a magical demon.

I stare at the moon, standing on a bridge singing.
Somebody tells me not to keep on looking.
Too late, I was already hawling, my eyes were already hurting, head was already burning...

Sometimes when I look back it’s all so magical.
That’s why I’m a magical demon called Syonide because I tried and I tried and I tried.
I just see everything falling and I only hear a young woman screaming.

A young woman who I was never able to save from everything happening.
So it had to be happening cause nothing is fair.
You are such a strong young woman but there’s nothing you and I can do.
Nothing to protect you or me from horror, terror and not being able to live but always be trying, trying, trying, crying, dying but not really, but trying, trying, trusting, caring, breaking, shaking, crying, flickering...

Magical demon taking Syonide.
Trying.
01-09-20
I'm in love with a person who has severe social anxiety.
He does not come out of his cave unless he's got something amazing to show me.
And I am always on the run from where I live and all the noises, all the discomfort.
I'm not afraid to die, I hate my life.
I wish to be somebody, somebody that can reach you or just anybody.
But not me or my sister because she's fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if I have to live I need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and just not really worth it anymore.

But what can I do?
What can you do?
How can I love you?
What can I do for you?
What can we do.
How, what but....

Help, I just exploded and so I woke you when you were half asleep.
You said you didn't mind and so now we had another time to find how we relate.
We relate, relate too much.
I wish it was just me dying and miserably lonely.
But the monster had to bite you now too and it even figures that it has some real and pretty very serious kind of catching up to do.
On you, my sister and so now you're fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if you have to live you need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and you wonder if it really is even worth it anymore.

But now what can you do?
What can I even do?
You know I love you.
What can it do for you?
What can we do?
How, what, but...

I love you.

I'm in love but I can never love you like I wish to.
I love you but I can never be there for you.
But, what, how...

I really really really really loooove, love, love, love, will always love, will always be connected to....
Will always be in love and will always really love, love, love, yes I really always looooove you!!!
15-08-20
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