It's been a long time, since I have sat at this page. Enough heartbreak will take you away from the things you once loved. Oh how I long for a summer full of love. The sun on my skin, as you drive your car. Sand between our toes as you play with my hair. The breath on my neck as you hug me from behind. To be with someone you can be yourself around is like winning the lottery. I know I will not stay, because I leave before it gets too good. I never let them get too close to break my heart

Walking down the street on a rainy night
He grabs my hand and pulls me close
This must be what falling in love feels like
He gently brushes my hair off my face
I smile nervously
One look in his eyes and I fold
Can he read my mind?
How scared I am of kissing him?
I hope I still remember how
Our lips meet and all my fears slip away
I can breathe
He pulls away and smiles at me
My heart is pulsing in my throat
I can smell him on my skin
I don't want this night to end.

Cut so deep
I thought I forgot how to breathe
A pain so real, a comfort it has become
Self-sabotage at its finest
But what if this time, it works out for the best?
A song so sad, just enough to get me down
How do you feel when you get high?
Do you think of me, when the time feels right?
Driving past my house wondering who's truck is in the driveway
A bandaid that only covers the pain
To deal with it would break me
But here I am
Spilling my vulnerabilities like word ***** onto a page
Past lovers wondering who my words are about
I carry many heartbreak tales with me
Secrets of each that I keep to myself
Because I once was messy, but now I am found

How does it feel
To never really know the real you?
Looking in the mirror
Without any sort of recognition
Blank stares and soulless eyes
Who have you become?
You look right through me
As if I am only a speck of dust
Floating down to the ground
While you have found yourself
Through other people
I have lost myself
To the one I thought loved me the most
It’s a tragic love story
Of boy meets girl

He’s got me thinking that
One
More outburst will break my back.

He’s not wrong.
I’m not solid.
I’m the journey no one wants to take.
Baggage.
I’m crazy.

I bleed dry for his happiness.
He dances on my weakness.
I’m forever stained.
Anger outbreaks and bruised thighs
I don’t know him when I look into his eyes.
I want to run and be alone.
I’m good at racing the other way
When things go array
I want to stray
And
Disappear.

I just want to be somebody’s everything.

Can I ever make a decision?
The answer dances on my tongue
Behind my teeth.
Pursed lips and blank eyes.
To dissociate with reality is surely bliss.
I know who I am in my own head.
Out there is a population of mindless sheep.
Tell me it’s time to wake up.
I hear your whisper in my ear.

The push and pull
The ebb and flow of my life
The tide pulls away my mask
The personality of someone I once knew
I’m not who I was
Constantly changing and floating with the wind
Aloof and unattached
Waiting for someone to grab my arm
To keep my grounded

That night after you dumped me on the phone
I couldn’t stop crying.
My sister gave me a Xanax and my parents took us to Golden Corral.
I turned numb.
Now after 10 years later
You want to reconcile.








No.

Sometimes I feel as if no one will understand me.

I am beautiful.
I am bold.
My face will always show what my mouth can’t say.
I’m quiet and introverted.
I shy away from attention.
I’m ****.
I am fierce.
I dance like nobody is watching.
I march to the beat of my own drum.
Boy, can I cry.
I feel everything and everyone around me.
I am a sponge of emotion.
I am smart.
I am quick minded and witty.
And my sense of humor can light up a room.
I am a great listener until I’m not.
I care an awful lot.
I’m stubborn.
I’m always right.
I know everything better than everyone.
I am rich both in my heart and in my brain.
I love harder than anyone I’ve known.
I am a boss *** woman.
I can catch on quicker than my counterparts.
I sleep too long.
I love God.
I am worthy of happiness.
I have a mothering nature.
I am kind.
I am compassionate.
I am a shooting star.

        Full of light. Full of rage. Full of passion.

I hear a song and it takes me back
Back to a time when I was young
I didn’t realize it, but I was so free back then
I didn’t care about what people thought
The smoke in my lungs and the wind in my hair
Cruising down the interstate
I was young, wild and free!

I remember the night he said he was done.
My feet felt like ice on the pavement.
I could see my breath in the night sky.
I knew it was coming.
He had been small talking me for days.
Funny how men act so tough until they have to tell someone they are moving on.
“I deleted all of your photos...” he said. “Everything is gone off of my phone”
How does one move on so fast?
At this point, I wasn’t even listening.
I had opened my heart.
The vulnerability was unleashed like a fire hydrant and I couldn’t find the willpower to stop it from completely destroying my self worth.
I don’t blame you.
I wasn’t ready to be loved.

Your music is still as dark as your soul.
You stand up on the passenger seat to play guitar in your new video
                                and
It makes me remember the time you begged me not to tell anyone about our conversations.
You deleted me out of your life.
I made you hate Florida.



Well..


Joke's on you because...



You have a tour stop in Jacksonville.

Enjoy Florida, you *****.

I remember how quiet the mornings were when you left. I would sit until the nights turned into days because the thought of closing my eyes in the dark terrified me. I longed for a body to be next to me in bed. What if I woke up from a nightmare and no one was there to comfort me? I used to go to the gas station because the employees were so friendly and they smiled at me. One night I was drunk. My face was done up. I wanted cigarettes and got in the car to drive. You threatened to call the police on me. So I started to walk. I didn’t have shoes on and the grass felt wet and cold on my feet. I wished that someone would just stop and give me a hug. I just wanted one person to show that they cared. You pulled up in my car and brought me to that same gas station. I bought cigarettes. You told me that smoking would **** me and I told you that it’s not happening soon enough. Who were you? You were not the same man I once knew. You disgusted me.

I don’t know why I always trust words.
Promises get broken.
Expectations fall to the wayside
Maybe that’s why I’m so independent,
Because I know if I do it myself,
I won’t break my own heart.

Is it so crazy, that the brush of his lips against mine, sends electric shockwaves down every bone in my spine

.


......

My, oh my.

Can you see it through my sunken eyes
That yet again, my mind is going crazy?
Can you hear my rapid breath or my eyelids blinking quickly?
Can you smell the sweat on my palms, or the spit I keep swallowing in my mouth?
How do I manage to always fall apart when people need me the most?
In an instant, while someone else is losing their ****, I am losing mine.
How can I support him when I can’t support myself?
How do I tell my head to stop talking long enough for me to grasp a hold of planet earth?

We. Got. This. Thing. Under. Control.



Or, so I think.

To have something ripped from your life without even a warning.


How disrespectful.


I crumble down to the earth like breaking rocks and I don’t see the sun shining anymore.
Where did my strength all go?

Then I look over and see you...


         m y   l o v e r

I just want to hit something or someone.
I don’t want to stop until my fingers are bleeding.
I want to hurt him like how he hurt me.
I want him to feel the pain he caused.
I want him to suffer.    


I locked myself in the bedroom and he punched a hole in the door. I wanted to *** myself because I was so scared and for what ever reason, I couldnt stop shaking. I stayed in the room until he went downstairs and I ran to my car. He stood behind me and acted as if I wouldn’t hit him. But I wanted to. I knew that if I ran him over, the suffering would be over. The abuse would end-but I didn’t.
Because you can’t make a narcissist feel anything.

I don’t know where my anger comes from.
Ok

I lied

I do.

It comes from a man I knew before you who promised me a lifetime of stability. He used his slick words and false promises to guide my eyes elsewhere while he slithered around behind my back.
He once thought that buying me things would make me turn a blind eye to the promiscuity that was unfolding in the dark.

Men always thought I was complicated and hard to read. I don’t find myself so hard. All I crave is touch. The touch of a hand under the table on my leg. The caress of fingers on my face before sleep. A hug out of nowhere when it’s least expected.

I don’t want fancy things and expensive dinners. I don’t want diamond rings and new makeup. I want you to listen to me and touch me. Can’t you see? I’m a human who needs contact.

Why is that so hard?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever really understands me. I often feel as if I’m searching for a level of comfort that I will never really find. I want to feel like home and when I don’t, I crave familiarity.

It’s like driving down a road you’ve known forever and seeing the same people driving and walking by.

The smell of my mom when she hugs me with her favorite perfume on

My cat when he stretches his legs and leans against me because I provide the same home to him that I am searching for in others

I suppose I will never rest until my heart stops beating.

Remember when we wanted each other so badly, that we couldn’t get our pants off quick enough?
I used to see the love in your eyes when you would stare at me from afar.
You’d find any excuse to stand near me and touch my skin.
...now...things have changed...
You walk ahead of me and I feel like I’m being left behind.
Roommates.
Ones that occasionally make love and Netflix together
I miss most the sweet tender words you used to speak
Constantly searching for affection that I will never ever reach

A real man ***** you awake; before you’ve even had a chance to stop dreaming about him.

Animal-like *** at 6 am.
Cold blue light hugs his skin.
Bottom lip grazes his shoulder.
Dry throat coated with saliva.
Hot breath on my neck.
Nail marks on his back.
My new name is passion.

I love someone way more than him

And

Her. Name. Is. Ashley.

You always told me that one day I would find a boyfriend in Florida.
It's funny to reminisce and see how you always had one foot out of the door and silly me, I just couldn't see it. I thought when you said that, you wanted me to beg for you and tell you that you were the only one I wanted. Well guess what? I have found someone who lives under the sweet hot sun of Florida, and he fulfills me more than you ever did.

The way he makes my heart beat, I just can't describe it. I met him at a time of feeling lost and uncertain. He makes me feel like home. He is everything I could ever want in another human being. The way he touches me. The way he listens to me. The way he puts me in my place.

We were walking under the night sky
Unfamiliar roads boggled my mind
I tried to keep my cool
You told me that you couldn't protect me if someone jumped out of the bushes
I wondered what kind of man you were after you said that

The kind who ran when times got tough
The kind who wouldn't speak up if he got the wrong coffee
The kind who wouldn't talk about his feelings

The deeper I got into your brain
The more I realized that you weren't healed
I got lost in your music and tried to find your soul behind the riffs
But you were nowhere to be found
I got tired of searching

You didn't talk to me for a whole week because you were too scared to tell me you didn't want to see me.

I recommended places for you to see in town without me.

I thought about you walking through the park and not having me near.

You sir, are what we call a coward.

My best guy friend is getting a divorce.
Today he asked me if it’s normal to be happy and sad at the same time.
I felt a choke in my throat, my stomach sink.
What is happy?
Happy is my ******.
Everyday I am in search of happiness, that disappears into a vapor cloud when I try to embrace it.
Maybe I am always sad with a hint of happy.
I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy.
I have spurts every now and then,
When anxiety and doubt decides to take a break and give my mind a rest.
Death scares me and I think about it often.
How it will happen.
How my old skin will hang and I will no longer recognize my self in the mirror.
Losing my parents.
Saying goodbye to my cat.
How can anyone be happy when impending doom is right around the corner.

People who have kids always try to make it a point to let you know:

A. They have kids.
B. You don’t have kids.
C. Your opinion doesn’t matter because you don’t have kids.


My heart breaks into two and my mouth does that odd thing where I try to smile to hide my tears, but it quivers and I feel previously open parts of my soul shut down.

I am aware everyday of my 30 year old existence that I don’t have kids. I am aware that while I was in college making straight A’s, my friends were building connections with lovers, purchasing homes, having families.

Now I am left in an unfit despair of nothingness and quiet mornings. Empty nights full of Netflix and crying. Hugging my cat when the human touch is lost.

I suppose people don’t know the words they say can sting like daggers. Suppose, maybe they do.

I look at her and poison slips from my tongue-
Competition.
I smack my bubblegum in hopes that you can hear it across the room.
What does she have that I don’t?
A shield you pull out in unworthy discussions about...H E R.
You protect her as if she’s a wounded kitten found in a swampy sewer.
Disgust fills my empty veins as you inhale your menthol cloud.
All I can do is **** people with words, tongue ties, and depths of unknown worlds.
When all I wish you would tell her is:

I. Am. Done. Talking. To. You. About. Her.

A darkness is coming over me
One that I’ve felt before
It wraps me in its warm embrace
To let me know
I’m not alone

Saw that your band was in Florida this past weekend.

I hope the sweat plagued you.
I hope the bugs charged towards you.
I hope the sun beamed extra ******* your skin.
I hope you have to come back again and again.


I’m not bitter, just hoping you get what you deserve.

He is someone I could spend the rest of my life with.


I watch him walk away and think...


....that’s my future husband