He looked me in my eyes and called me the most beautiful creature he has ever seen.

Do you know what it feels like to hold happiness and love in your hands and then you let it go because you don't know what you have until it's gone?










I do.

How do I explain my mind?
It's hard to put into words but the best way to describe my brain is that it is all sorts of ******. It gets intense, I can't focus on one thing too long, I get bored, I get embarrassed, I over-think, I over-analyze. I want to stab my temporal lobe with a fork until I no longer have to open my eyes and function in a world where I am seen as sick or crazy. I want to tell my brain to "shhhhh" while I try to soak up any ounce of sleep like a sponge in a draining sink. I want to tell my mind to shut the **** up so I can be normal, so I don't have to FEEL anymore. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to slam my head on my desk at work until the pain goes away.

This all happens in a second.

Send help.

Here I am again
I am on a path to destruction and no one can stop me
The moon frowns but he never judges my poor decisions
For he is my only friend in the warm summer nights

He watches me cry on my apartment balcony
All I want to do is jump and swim on the Milky Way until I land on him
The moon is the only one that can help me sleep
He tells me I will be ok

I wince with tears in my eyes.

No,

I won't.

He told me that I have this bizarre way of making himself feel ******* insane, in the head, and in the heart.

How do you think that makes me feel?


I am circling the drain.

I blow up, looking for some sort of response that shows that my tantrum wasn't born for nothing. I don't know why I allow the poison to rip off my skin and expose my vulnerabilities and insecurities. I am trying to give him an excuse to run for the hills. Maybe if I act insane enough, he won't need to look for a reason to escape. But, he stays. Because we are both ****** up and broken. I want to inhale his scent for the rest of our broken ******-up lives.

Most days I am strong.


Today, I am weak.

He’s drunk.



...but the way he stares at me with his black eyes, shows me that he truly adores me. I know he would do anything for me and to me. I crave the heat from his body as I fall asleep to his tempered breath. The moon peers from the outside, embracing us in his cool-colored waves. I place my head on his chest as he wraps his brown arms around my skin-hearts beating opposite melodies among the darkness. He awakens and pulls himself on top of me. This is my favorite position and he knows it. He is the only man in this lifetime that knows the touches I crave. I won’t let him pull away, and it is love we will make.

I hope you're doing well.

I get tattoos because there is something about the blood that spills from my skin and the immense pain I feel from the needle. The way the tattoo artist uses their hands and whole body to permanently stain my body forever. It's quite neurotic, the sound the tattoo gun makes, that turns me on in a way I can't describe.

i have a dark side to me that runs away when the sun comes out. it's sickening and dense as a foggy night sky. i don't know what people want from me as i'm careless and meticulous in the dangerous sense. it can be hard for people to catch up to me and once they do, they sink into me like quicksand. i laugh as they become covered in the licks i spit, as they cry out for my hand. you asked for this, for i cannot help you, as it gives me great pleasure to watch you squirm. there is something obliterating beautiful watching someone else crumble to pieces around you while you keep sane and they lose their mind. i make their hearts race as they die and i steal their soul. as they gasp for air, last words slip off their lips,


"i guess there is no getting over you."...

sometimes, it's ok to turn off all the lights in your hotel room. you draw the curtains open and allow the twinkling lights from the tall city buildings to sprinkle your skin. an overwhelming, yet familiar feeling creeps into your soul like a slow-moving fog. ah, this is called loneliness my dear. instead of being afraid, grab the hand that loneliness embraces you with and dance. allow the passerby's among the roads below to witness a beautiful being embracing the night and proving that sometimes, it's ok to be lonely.

The Florida sun burns my skin as I drive with the windows down.
The wind curls and whips around my short hair and tickles the bumps on my arms..
The clouds sway back and forth unaware of the direction.
And then there's me.












A woman who has gained back her confidence.

Tonight I looked up at the moon and something is different.
I have changed.
Last year, the moon was the only one who could console my crying tears and shivering bones.
The moon hugged me in his embrace and whispered words of affirmation into my delicate ears.
The moon knew my life path before I even did and that is exactly why he was so calm while I was falling apart.
Looking up at the moon now and emotions raid my skin.
I am happy, I am where I need to be.
The moon stares back at me and says, "I knew this all along..."

Falling asleep next to you was something I only dreamed about. Now, it’s my reality. Your brown skin against mine. Your soft lips ablaze amongst the moon light. The trickle of rain on the window. I am happy.

In the shower and you press me up against the wall
I can't even remember a time when a man has dominated me
Oh yeah, it's because it's never happened before
You stare at me with your black eyes-pupils dilated
And in this moment, I know you are about to lose control
You wrap your hands around my neck and press hard
Amidst the steam, I feel myself about to lose consciousness
You read me so well, that you let go and let me come back to earth
I want you inside of me
     Inside of my body
     Inside of my soul
     Inside of my mind

Watching you between my thighs is a gift straight from the heavens.

Home.

One day, I'll be coming home.

Today I saw a poll that said Florida is the worst ranked state to visit.
I laughed and then got filled with immense sadness.
You always hated it here and you loved to make fun of me for loving this state so much.
I took a screenshot and thought for hours about sending it to you.
I knew it would make you smile.
But, I didn't.
I guess some things are better left unsaid, truly.
I hope whenever you come here, you think of the little slice of heaven we once had in Florida.
I hope you think about holding hands in the hotel parking lot.
I hope you think about the five minutes we spent in the woods, before the bugs ate us.
I hope you think about how I ordered pizza and we sat in our underwear watching baseball.
I hope you think of my head on your chest and you asking me if I was falling asleep.
I hope you think of our goodbye and how you kissed me.

You're not the bad guy that my friends make you out to be.
They don't know the whole story and I don't want them to.
There is something special about keeping our story private.
It's like our little secret.
It's the only thing I have left of you and I want to hold it and hide it away deep in my heart, where only I can visit.

Last night, I watched your band's live videos on YouTube.
I cried.
I saw the sadness in your face.
The bags underneath your eyes.
Your grown out beard that I like to think you grew for me because you knew I liked it.
I didn't see you smile.
I saw the pain in your posture.
The hollowness of your soul.
I can't help but wonder if it's because of me.
You tell me that you're doing better-
Getting into a "routine".
Yes, I still listen to your music.
I listen to it when I hate myself and I want to feel you close to me.
I always regret it.
Because I always feel torn apart after I listen to my favorite songs.
I listen and search for you in every song,
In hopes that the music will one day bring us together again,
like it did the night I met you.
Remember how happy we both were?
To find one another.
We both admitted to feeling a happiness we haven't felt in a long time.
I thought I had finally found my "******".
Now, you are an empty memory-
One I constantly search for in the melodies through my phone.

You wrote me today and told me you had been thinking about me.
First of all, wow.
Where did THAT come from?
You say stuff like that and I remember how you smell.
I remember being in your arms in the hotel room and feeling you breathe.
It takes me back to when I hugged you and you walked away and as you were, I pulled you by your jacket and kissed you one more time.
I just couldn't get enough of your mouth.
You kissed me like I meant something to you-something more.
You kissed me like it was the end of the **** world.
Maybe it was the way you walked, or ran your hand through your hair, those green eyes.
Anyway, I tell you that I hope you're doing well, wish you the best, and all the rest...

is
h.i.s.t.o.r.y

Yes, I still think about you pushing me up against my car.
I mean, why wouldn't I?
At times I swear I can still smell your breath on my mouth.
It's the craziest getting lost, thinking about you.
It slowly becomes a crazy spiral of abnormalities of sorts.
You're a jagged edge stuck in my brain and if I pull you out,
I lose all sensation of what love actually is.
I am a lost mouse running through a maze, looking for any help along the way.
From your skinny jeans, to your jaw-
Your beard, to your menthol cigarettes-
To watching you drive away-
I'll gladly go through all of it, all over again.
Maybe one time, it will end differently.

I want to be the one who drives you insane.
Late night, cigarette smoke, kiss me and don't let me go.
Drive me to where I can see the stars and infinite galaxies.

***** on my breath and you're the only one who can make me tick.
I want to get under you skin like you get under mine.
I want to slow dance in the dark to the static of an A.M. radio.

I want to be lovers and friends.
I want to know what you look like when the sun kisses your face in the early morning.
I want to know what you look like when you cry

I want to see your face and your lips when you whisper, "I love you".
I want you to remind me who is always in charge as you slightly graze my throat with your hand-
And I let a Cheshire smile slowly appear on my face.

After many weeks of holding it together and not thinking of you,
The unimaginable happened.
You crossed my mind and I had a complete breakdown.
I had cleared you from my head, from my phone,
But last night, I listened to your band and I couldn't breathe.
I forced myself to listen even though my hands begged me to hit stop.
I couldn't do it.

He asked me if I was going to write poems about him.





I told him that I don’t have any other choice.

There is something about a glance, a stare, from someone who just gets you in an instant.
The way they look past your eyes and deep into the darkest parts of your hidden soul.
That turns me on most, when someone can penetrate my mind and not just my body.

I think about him a lot, especially at night.
I want his arms around me, his hands on my waist.
He has the patience of a king and understands my nature.
He can tame me just by giving me one look.

We are now a few days into 2018.
Promises you made to me last year have fallen through the sunken cracks within your broken soul.
You promised to be my friend through the roughest times in my life,
but where were you when I needed you?
Nowhere to be found.
I can't say I am surprised.
I knew deep down you wouldn't be able to keep your word.
I don't want to be your friend anyway, because you'd be a horrible one.
The wonderful thing about moving on is, I have had multiple things happen in my life thus far, and your face didn't even cross my mind.
I don't care about you anymore.
I don't wonder how you're doing.
I don't give a **** how your Christmas was.
I've forgotten your likes and dislikes, what makes you tick.
You're not even attractive to me anymore.
I've let you crumble to ash.
I hope I cross your mind often.
I hope when you meet your next girl, and she's just being a total ***** to you and doesn't want to blow you-you think of me.
Think about how ******* great I was.
Think about how I made you laugh
How patient I was,
How caring I was-
Then think about how you let me go and how much ******* happier I am since you said goodbye.

You're a *******.

I can't keep my eyes off of him.
My eyes say what my mouth cannot.
Please don't turn off the music, for you'll hear my heart beating loudly through my chest.

I was born to run free.
I cannot be caged under your gaze or your hands.
I long for the summer breeze to blow through my short hair.
Walking through the woods in my bare feet
I long for a man who can handle my wild nature and spirit.
A man who is not intimidated by a woman with a large heart
A man who does not have the intent of holding me back
I want to find someone I can grow with.
Someone to go on adventures with
Someone who I can fall asleep with
Someone who I can travel the world with
I want a man who doesn't grow green with envy or jealousy.
I want to intertwine with his spirit and grow into the skies as one.

I tend to run away just when things turn good.
Why?
I am not sure.
It could be because I run a risk of heartbreak,
and enduring that pain for so long makes you want to avoid it.
It's like I purposely try to sabotage my own future to protect my heart in a gated vulnerable contraption.
Maybe it's because I am afraid he will get tired of me:

The way I laugh
The way I cry
  The way I sing in the car
   The way I cook
     The way I dance

I am worried that I love too hard; a hopeless romantic so soon to be forgotten. I am worried that I will overwhelm him with my sensibility and carelessness- my desire to run free with no set routine carved in stone. I am worried that I will touch him too much or kiss his lips too often.

I am either too much or too little.
Too close or too distant
Too hot or too cold
Too funny or too aloof
I try so hard to be normal and a lovable creature in this inhabitable world, that maybe I scare people off.
I only know how to be me and maybe it just takes time until the universe allows you to find your own ******.

I'm afraid to say those three words,
it's not what you expect.
I don't want them to lose their meaning,
so I try and change the subject.

I think about you all the time,
you're always on my mind.
I think I'm falling for you boy,
you've got my heart in a bind.

The way you shift your car in gears,
how you smoke your cigarette...
The way you say my name,
puts me in a sweat.


I. Miss. You.

Love always seems to find you when you're least expecting it.
I met a boy and he makes me feel so beautiful.
I am not afraid to be around him without makeup on, and that means somethin'.

I'm forgetting little parts of you here and there.
I don't recall what your favorite color is and to me,
I am one step closer to forgetting you.

Almost a year in this new city and things are still new to me.
I don't like it here.
I think about home quite often; the way the city lights of downtown trickled upon my face as I sped up in my car.
The bass of a song vibrating my body as I swerve under the bridge and onto the interstate.
The smell of the air as the heat rises off the pavement on a hot summer day.
The hug of my mother as the scent of Chanel perfume stains my clothes.
The laugh of my father as he tells a "dad" joke.

I'll be home soon.

I want to spill all of my thoughts that have been locked away into my head for days. Truth be told, I have been afraid to write about you for a few days because sometimes, it hurts too much and I feel that if I don't write about you, then I will get over it. I'm slowly learning:


                                THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS

I hate you so much. I love you like I will never love another man. I hate how you took the time to get to know me if you knew that you would always say good-bye.  I love how you watched TV and held my hand. I hate how stubborn you were. I love how your skinny jeans and boots looked on you. I love how you lit your cigarette and smoked too fast. I love how you entered my life and I love how you left it. You'll always be welcome back, because I am weak for you.

Today I was strong.
I woke up, didn't smoke a cigarette, enjoyed the sunlight on the way to work.
You texted me.
I stopped in my tracks.
I legit stopped walking and looked at my phone.
A familiar feeling hit my throat and my heart like a hammer.

I still miss you.
My heart still beats fast when you text me.

I thought to myself today, that if you called and asked me to be yours right his second, I am not quite sure I could say yes. I miss you, of course; you're on my mind all of the time, but I have a hard time going back to someone that ended things. Maybe, it's because I am finally realizing I deserve someone who wants me the same way I want them.
I guess if I am being honest, I am just mad. I am mad because I wanted to explore this universe with you.  I'm mad because when something great or horrible happens in my life, I reach for my phone to text you and I stop myself because that's not what you want anymore.
I sometimes wonder when I will not feel the urge to have you near me. I am crazy, I think. I started to daydream-I was actually willing to eventually move close to you if things went well because that's how hard you hit me. That is insane. I guess it's because when I fall, I fall hard and it's all or nothing for me.
You ended things the way a perfect gentleman would and I respect you so much for that. I wish you would've been horrible to me or just ghosted me, because then I would have a valid reason to move on. But, in your sweet nature, you let me down easily and I love you even more for it.

How is it possible to fall for someone even more after they have just told you goodbye?

Who knows...

I'm fatigued.
The holidays are draining every ******* ounce of energy that I have left in my depleted body.
It's my first year of going through every thing post-divorce and it's seriously testing my ability to be strong.

You put your cigarette in between your lips and in that moment, I wish I was that cigarette. Caressing your face like the smoke that blows in the wind and embraces your body.

You inhale and in that moment, I wish you were swallowing me whole. Let me into your soul, your heart, tell me your darkest fears.

Instead, you exhale, and I’m like the air that leaves your lungs, gone into the sky with no hopes of returning.

You looked at me and I was done.
I lost all common sense and immediately caught fire.
I tried to control the burning desire and Oxytocin that was released after our first kiss.
Let’s take our pants off and watch commercials in a rundown motel all day.
Let’s eat pizza and forget what day it is.
Just stay with me. Let’s fall together into an unknown abyss of misery, passion, and love.

You’re gone and my fire still burns for you, but with a smaller ember that is close to burning out.

This is me getting over you.