That night after you dumped me on the phone
I couldn’t stop crying.
My sister gave me a Xanax and my parents took us to Golden Corral.
I turned numb.
Now after 10 years later
You want to reconcile.
Don’t go back to an ex.
Sometimes I feel as if no one will understand me.
I am complex. I am me.
I am beautiful.
I am bold.
My face will always show what my mouth can’t say.
I’m quiet and introverted.
I shy away from attention.
I am fierce.
I dance like nobody is watching.
I march to the beat of my own drum.
Boy, can I cry.
I feel everything and everyone around me.
I am a sponge of emotion.
I am smart.
I am quick minded and witty.
And my sense of humor can light up a room.
I am a great listener until I’m not.
I care an awful lot.
I’m always right.
I know everything better than everyone.
I am rich both in my heart and in my brain.
I love harder than anyone I’ve known.
I am a boss *** woman.
I can catch on quicker than my counterparts.
I sleep too long.
I love God.
I am worthy of happiness.
I have a mothering nature.
I am kind.
I am compassionate.
I am a shooting star.
Full of light. Full of rage. Full of passion.
Ashley in a nut shell but don’t blink too quick, or I’m gone.
I hear a song and it takes me back
Back to a time when I was young
I didn’t realize it, but I was so free back then
I didn’t care about what people thought
The smoke in my lungs and the wind in my hair
Cruising down the interstate
I was young, wild and free!
Don’t waste any time.
I want too much attention
All of the time
It’s a character flaw, I know
I want to be constantly touched
Words of love to spill off your tongue
I want to feel appreciated
Like you have waited for me your whole life
Why is that a burden?
Appreciation at its finest.
I remember the night he said he was done.
My feet felt like ice on the pavement.
I could see my breath in the night sky.
I knew it was coming.
He had been small talking me for days.
Funny how men act so tough until they have to tell someone they are moving on.
“I deleted all of your photos...” he said. “Everything is gone off of my phone”
How does one move on so fast?
At this point, I wasn’t even listening.
I had opened my heart.
The vulnerability was unleashed like a fire hydrant and I couldn’t find the willpower to stop it from completely destroying my self worth.
I don’t blame you.
I wasn’t ready to be loved.
The heart wants what it wants & sometimes not what it needs.
Sometimes I think I’ll always be sad
I often wonder how people seem so happy
Sometimes I think I’ll always cry when I’m hurt
I often wonder how people hold back tears
Sometimes I think I’ll always be shy
I often wonder how people start conversations
Sometimes I think I’ll always be sensitive
I often wonder how people don’t get offended
Sometimes I think I’m hard to love
I often wonder how others just go with the flow
Even on my deathbed,
I will remember how you didn’t want to share what we had with the world.
I was a ***** little secret.
You’ve moved on and so have I.
Those are words I would use to describe myself if someone asked me to.
No one cares or asks me what’s going on in my head.
It’s because I’m chaotic and normal people don’t know what to say.
If I’m being honest, my everyday life feels like a nightmare.
I think about death and it plagues my every move.
It’s like my head is a hot air balloon and there are ropes in my body, tied to my heart, keeping myself in place.
I feel way too much and I will never know how to stop that.
I can try as hard as I want to control the emotions that leak out of my heart like spilled milk but I can’t.
Because I’m tired of running from my fears and my problems. I’m tired of acting like I’m okay.
Why can’t I be loved just because of my mental illness?
Everyone always acts like it’s such a heavy burden to carry around but why can’t everyone just feel like me?
Because not everyone is that deep.
He put his arm around me at the hockey game.
As we sat, he played with my long hair that grazed his hand.
In that moment, I felt like I was all his and he wanted nothing more...
I want attention.
You are my mirror image
Which is why you make me so angry sometimes
We push and fight
Yell and scream
I slam the door, you hit the wall
Tension rises in the air like heat off the asphalt.
You spit venom at me
Your words hurt the most
I cry, you walk away
I crumble on the floor while you toss your clothes
Is this what we have become?
I convince you to come to bed
You grab my skin
&we **** the night away
I rather fight with you than anyone else.
When I first kissed you, I saw stars
It was like something I’ve never felt before
I wanted more…
So I kept climbing deeper into your universe
I let your brain waves intercept mine
I became intertwined with your neurons and synapses
The way you snapped into my pelvis like a puzzle piece
Made me want to know why I was ever sad before you
You fingers delicately bounce off each vertebra in my spine
Making me crave the wisdom in your eyes and the words in your mouth
You are my world
A man that opens your eyes to other galaxies
Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the words to say
I build up my wall and it tends to last all day
But when you caress me with your sweet soft hands
There is nowhere else on this planet I’d rather land
Because at the end of the day, you are my best friend
I promise to tell you my secrets until the end
he is my lover and best friend
Your music is still as dark as your soul.
You stand up on the passenger seat to play guitar in your new video
It makes me remember the time you begged me not to tell anyone about our conversations.
You deleted me out of your life.
I made you hate Florida.
Joke's on you because...
You have a tour stop in Jacksonville.
Enjoy Florida, you *****.
I was always a secret.
A stealer of joy.
I remember how quiet the mornings were when you left. I would sit until the nights turned into days because the thought of closing my eyes in the dark terrified me. I longed for a body to be next to me in bed. What if I woke up from a nightmare and no one was there to comfort me? I used to go to the gas station because the employees were so friendly and they smiled at me. One night I was drunk. My face was done up. I wanted cigarettes and got in the car to drive. You threatened to call the police on me. So I started to walk. I didn’t have shoes on and the grass felt wet and cold on my feet. I wished that someone would just stop and give me a hug. I just wanted one person to show that they cared. You pulled up in my car and brought me to that same gas station. I bought cigarettes. You told me that smoking would **** me and I told you that it’s not happening soon enough. Who were you? You were not the same man I once knew. You disgusted me.
Love to you is just a game.
I don’t know why I always trust words.
Promises get broken.
Expectations fall to the wayside
Maybe that’s why I’m so independent,
Because I know if I do it myself,
I won’t break my own heart.
Is it so crazy, that the brush of his lips against mine, sends electric shockwaves down every bone in my spine
My, oh my.
Can you see it through my sunken eyes
That yet again, my mind is going crazy?
Can you hear my rapid breath or my eyelids blinking quickly?
Can you smell the sweat on my palms, or the spit I keep swallowing in my mouth?
How do I manage to always fall apart when people need me the most?
In an instant, while someone else is losing their ****, I am losing mine.
How can I support him when I can’t support myself?
How do I tell my head to stop talking long enough for me to grasp a hold of planet earth?
We. Got. This. Thing. Under. Control.
Or, so I think.
To have something ripped from your life without even a warning.
I crumble down to the earth like breaking rocks and I don’t see the sun shining anymore.
Where did my strength all go?
Then I look over and see you...
m y l o v e r
I just want to hit something or someone.
I don’t want to stop until my fingers are bleeding.
I want to hurt him like how he hurt me.
I want him to feel the pain he caused.
I want him to suffer.
I locked myself in the bedroom and he punched a hole in the door. I wanted to *** myself because I was so scared and for what ever reason, I couldnt stop shaking. I stayed in the room until he went downstairs and I ran to my car. He stood behind me and acted as if I wouldn’t hit him. But I wanted to. I knew that if I ran him over, the suffering would be over. The abuse would end-but I didn’t.
Because you can’t make a narcissist feel anything.
I don’t know where my anger comes from.
It comes from a man I knew before you who promised me a lifetime of stability. He used his slick words and false promises to guide my eyes elsewhere while he slithered around behind my back.
He once thought that buying me things would make me turn a blind eye to the promiscuity that was unfolding in the dark.
Men always thought I was complicated and hard to read. I don’t find myself so hard. All I crave is touch. The touch of a hand under the table on my leg. The caress of fingers on my face before sleep. A hug out of nowhere when it’s least expected.
I don’t want fancy things and expensive dinners. I don’t want diamond rings and new makeup. I want you to listen to me and touch me. Can’t you see? I’m a human who needs contact.
Why is that so hard?
Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever really understands me. I often feel as if I’m searching for a level of comfort that I will never really find. I want to feel like home and when I don’t, I crave familiarity.
It’s like driving down a road you’ve known forever and seeing the same people driving and walking by.
The smell of my mom when she hugs me with her favorite perfume on
My cat when he stretches his legs and leans against me because I provide the same home to him that I am searching for in others
I suppose I will never rest until my heart stops beating.
Remember when we wanted each other so badly, that we couldn’t get our pants off quick enough?
I used to see the love in your eyes when you would stare at me from afar.
You’d find any excuse to stand near me and touch my skin.
...now...things have changed...
You walk ahead of me and I feel like I’m being left behind.
Ones that occasionally make love and Netflix together
I miss most the sweet tender words you used to speak
Constantly searching for affection that I will never ever reach
Where does the love go?
A real man ***** you awake; before you’ve even had a chance to stop dreaming about him.
He takes me on
Animal-like *** at 6 am.
Cold blue light hugs his skin.
Bottom lip grazes his shoulder.
Dry throat coated with saliva.
Hot breath on my neck.
Nail marks on his back.
My new name is passion.
I love someone way more than him
Her. Name. Is. Ashley.
And he says...
...you get prettier everyday....
You always told me that one day I would find a boyfriend in Florida.
It's funny to reminisce and see how you always had one foot out of the door and silly me, I just couldn't see it. I thought when you said that, you wanted me to beg for you and tell you that you were the only one I wanted. Well guess what? I have found someone who lives under the sweet hot sun of Florida, and he fulfills me more than you ever did.
The way he makes my heart beat, I just can't describe it. I met him at a time of feeling lost and uncertain. He makes me feel like home. He is everything I could ever want in another human being. The way he touches me. The way he listens to me. The way he puts me in my place.
We were walking under the night sky
Unfamiliar roads boggled my mind
I tried to keep my cool
You told me that you couldn't protect me if someone jumped out of the bushes
I wondered what kind of man you were after you said that
The kind who ran when times got tough
The kind who wouldn't speak up if he got the wrong coffee
The kind who wouldn't talk about his feelings
The deeper I got into your brain
The more I realized that you weren't healed
I got lost in your music and tried to find your soul behind the riffs
But you were nowhere to be found
I got tired of searching
You didn't talk to me for a whole week because you were too scared to tell me you didn't want to see me.
I recommended places for you to see in town without me.
I thought about you walking through the park and not having me near.
You sir, are what we call a coward.
My best guy friend is getting a divorce.
Today he asked me if it’s normal to be happy and sad at the same time.
I felt a choke in my throat, my stomach sink.
What is happy?
Happy is my ******.
Everyday I am in search of happiness, that disappears into a vapor cloud when I try to embrace it.
Maybe I am always sad with a hint of happy.
I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy.
I have spurts every now and then,
When anxiety and doubt decides to take a break and give my mind a rest.
Death scares me and I think about it often.
How it will happen.
How my old skin will hang and I will no longer recognize my self in the mirror.
Losing my parents.
Saying goodbye to my cat.
How can anyone be happy when impending doom is right around the corner.
People who have kids always try to make it a point to let you know:
A. They have kids.
B. You don’t have kids.
C. Your opinion doesn’t matter because you don’t have kids.
My heart breaks into two and my mouth does that odd thing where I try to smile to hide my tears, but it quivers and I feel previously open parts of my soul shut down.
I am aware everyday of my 30 year old existence that I don’t have kids. I am aware that while I was in college making straight A’s, my friends were building connections with lovers, purchasing homes, having families.
Now I am left in an unfit despair of nothingness and quiet mornings. Empty nights full of Netflix and crying. Hugging my cat when the human touch is lost.
I suppose people don’t know the words they say can sting like daggers. Suppose, maybe they do.
I look at her and poison slips from my tongue-
I smack my bubblegum in hopes that you can hear it across the room.
What does she have that I don’t?
A shield you pull out in unworthy discussions about...H E R.
You protect her as if she’s a wounded kitten found in a swampy sewer.
Disgust fills my empty veins as you inhale your menthol cloud.
All I can do is **** people with words, tongue ties, and depths of unknown worlds.
When all I wish you would tell her is:
I. Am. Done. Talking. To. You. About. Her.
Words that will never be said.
A darkness is coming over me
One that I’ve felt before
It wraps me in its warm embrace
To let me know
I’m not alone
Saw that your band was in Florida this past weekend.
I hope the sweat plagued you.
I hope the bugs charged towards you.
I hope the sun beamed extra ******* your skin.
I hope you have to come back again and again.
I’m not bitter, just hoping you get what you deserve.
He is someone I could spend the rest of my life with.
I watch him walk away and think...
....that’s my future husband
He looked me in my eyes and called me the most beautiful creature he has ever seen.
Tell me are you here to stay?
Say it again so I believe it.
Do you know what it feels like to hold happiness and love in your hands and then you let it go because you don't know what you have until it's gone?
How do I explain my mind?
It's hard to put into words but the best way to describe my brain is that it is all sorts of ******. It gets intense, I can't focus on one thing too long, I get bored, I get embarrassed, I over-think, I over-analyze. I want to stab my temporal lobe with a fork until I no longer have to open my eyes and function in a world where I am seen as sick or crazy. I want to tell my brain to "shhhhh" while I try to soak up any ounce of sleep like a sponge in a draining sink. I want to tell my mind to shut the **** up so I can be normal, so I don't have to FEEL anymore. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to slam my head on my desk at work until the pain goes away.
This all happens in a second.
Here I am again
I am on a path to destruction and no one can stop me
The moon frowns but he never judges my poor decisions
For he is my only friend in the warm summer nights
He watches me cry on my apartment balcony
All I want to do is jump and swim on the Milky Way until I land on him
The moon is the only one that can help me sleep
He tells me I will be ok
I wince with tears in my eyes.
He's packing his bags while I peek out from under the covers.
All I want to do is tell him to stay, but my immense pride and raw throat prevents me from doing so.
He comes over to kiss me and like that, he's out the door.
I don't lose it.
I don't lose it until I hear his motorcycle rev up and drive away.
It's my fault, you know...
Because I can't decide what I want
I run away when things are good
I search and find the smallest proof of wrong-doing until I drive myself crazy, in return driving him crazy.
Crumbs on the coffee table
Pants on the floor
Dishes in the sink
Why do those things matter?
He told me that I have this bizarre way of making himself feel ******* insane, in the head, and in the heart.
How do you think that makes me feel?
I am circling the drain.
I blow up, looking for some sort of response that shows that my tantrum wasn't born for nothing. I don't know why I allow the poison to rip off my skin and expose my vulnerabilities and insecurities. I am trying to give him an excuse to run for the hills. Maybe if I act insane enough, he won't need to look for a reason to escape. But, he stays. Because we are both ****** up and broken. I want to inhale his scent for the rest of our broken ******-up lives.
Two broken people CAN and WILL thrive.
Most days I am strong.
Today, I am weak.
I don’t have to question why previous women fell for him
He is kind and gentle, dominant when needed, a head full of knowledge ready to tip at any moment
The words that linger off his tongue infiltrate my mind and carry me away to unknown galaxies filled of wisdom and smoke-filled lungs.
The way he sits between my thighs, glazed-over eyes, watching me melt
I can sense the hurt that he has endured before me and all I want to do is show this beautiful being that I will not do the same to him.
His tongue is magic, in more ways than one
...but the way he stares at me with his black eyes, shows me that he truly adores me. I know he would do anything for me and to me. I crave the heat from his body as I fall asleep to his tempered breath. The moon peers from the outside, embracing us in his cool-colored waves. I place my head on his chest as he wraps his brown arms around my skin-hearts beating opposite melodies among the darkness. He awakens and pulls himself on top of me. This is my favorite position and he knows it. He is the only man in this lifetime that knows the touches I crave. I won’t let him pull away, and it is love we will make.
late night drunken sessions
There will be a day, in which you meet a man who makes you whole again.
He will make you believe in magic
He won’t stray to another woman’s thighs
There will be a day, in which this man will cry tears with you
You will begin to wonder why you swore off love before him
He will redefine ‘the one’ all over again