I wait until it's too late,
to stop myself from saying something
that I can't take back.

I push you away,
so you'll pull me closer
I get upset ,
so you'll cheer me up
I get mad,
but I always forgive you
I want your attention,
though I'll never ask
I just want to be the exception

I use the word no
As a tool
Of self-empowerment
Saying it
Just to stand strong
Not giving in
Setting boundaries
Where I please
Allowing myself to consider
I realize that I
Have options beyond measure
No reason to settle
My standards don't
Seem so high
Since I've learned to treasure
Myself
I make things
On my own terms
Why set limits

My favorite parts about myself
Are the metal rods
Protruding from my skin
My nose
My ears
The diamonds            
They sparkle
How is it that I cherish
The things I added
The most
My favorite features are stitched in
Mounted to my skin
For I do not find much beauty
In myself
But my expression of me
Is slowly getting to
Where I need it to be
Decorating my skin
Embellishing myself
Soon I hope to have ink
Streaking my surface
On display
Shards of the inner me
Out where everyone can see
*maybe one day

As I sink into the abyss
Left by your absence
I think of you
The way you loved me
And the way you stopped so abruptly
Like a ship
Hitting the bottom of the ocean
Its final resting place
So is this mine
Alone and cold
Trapped in a dark corner
Like a forgotten child’s toy

Today was goodbye
It feels different this time
Before
I knew you'd be back
Now
I think you might stay away
And I'm not sure
Where that leaves us
But I'm broken
As we fought
It bruised me deep
Cut my heart
Made me weep
And now I lie here
Wishing to go back
Take away the pain
Of watching you pack
I'll see you again
Maybe not now
But this isn't the end
It was just
See you soon
Words I should've said
It's done and over now
You're my best friend
We'll be okay some how
And maybe
When we meet again
We will realize why
Neither of us is very good
At saying goodbye

I just...
I just need someone to hold me while I cry
     My emotions seem to be at an all time high
Why do I feel this way
     Like a storm in the middle of the day
All of a sudden it hits
     The sadness sends me into these fits
Waves of tears crash
     As the feeling of loneliness spreads like a rash
I'm feeling empty and numb
     This depression has me in a slum
Yet this all feels for nothing
     This pain is not for one thing
It's constant and deep
     Only to subside and retreat
Left rattled with a dull ache
     Maybe admitting the pain was my mistake
I stayed strong for so long
     And now the emotion flows like some song
It cannot be played for the weak at heart
     If they are whole, it will make them fall apart
These pains
     Emotions
No gains
     Just notions
That one day you'll be okay
     Soon the pain won't stay
Let it ache until then
     I just
*Wait

I realize now
That passion
Is what keeps you going
In life, in love
In all things that matter
Without it you're just
      
            Wasting time

  *Filling space

Pages and pages
Of words for you
Words you'll never see
Or hear
Feelings you'll never know
The pain that deepens daily
While healing only faintly
When you write for an absent audience
You perform for yourself
My words may be for you
But I'm just working through my truth
Pages and pages
That one day will end
When the papers pile high
And the tears no longer fall
The ink will finally dry
And with it, my feelings for you

Every time that door opens
I hope it's you
When my phones goes off
I hope it's you
As I hear a car drive by my window
I hope it's you


Because every time
My heart leaps
Skips a beat
It's because of you


*I hate this feeling

I will never love you like I loved him
So don’t treat me like I am yours  
For you will never claim me

Don’t hold my hand
Or touch my leg
Don’t kiss my forehead
And tell me I am pretty

You will never compare to him

I can’t lead you
To believe that this is
Anything

You are not him
So please
Stop

Because it pains me to be touched
By someone
Who isn't
Him

You’re the other half
I didn't know I was missing

Smoke fills the room
I wish I could look as cool as them
Smoke fills my lungs
I don't feel cool at all
The minty fresh feel sets in
I'm not worried about looking cool
Or feeling cool
I'm not worried
anymore

*now I know why they look so cool

can't you see my pen is to my paper
but when you enter the room
my thoughts fade like vapor

I can't remember our first kiss
I think it was that time in your car
but there were many
            times in your car
I can't remember our first kiss
I remember our first text
first picture
first time we met
but our first kiss...

it's been three years since that kiss
give or take
and
I think of you less
I guess that's progress

I think I'm broken
No really
There's something not right
I don't feel the things I should
But I see beauty in the flow of traffic
I have no motivation to breathe
And yet I inhale, and exhale constantly
My body is moving forward
My mind is expanding
But here I am
Stuck standing
I have zero desire to move forward
But I don't want to stay

For a second
I thought
Maybe
                      Just maybe

You could be the next
The one to make my heart flutter
But
                      I thought twice

You were just pretending to be nice
In the end you’re all the same
And
                       In the future

I will be sure to look both ways
Before allowing my heart to wonder
Think
                       Just think

*It could’ve been you.

chipped nail polish
frayed emotions
tear streaked face
the girl who sits alone at the lunch table
“She’s crazy” they whisper as they walk by
but not one person stops to question her why
no one asking why she always wear hoodies to cover her scars
why her face has tracks from the tears that race
down her face before she can wipe them away
they don’t wonder why she doesn't participate in school activities
to absorbed in themselves to ponder what it must be like
to be the outcast
the silent shadow that no one will ever know
one day
when they’re old
they’ll think back and remember the shattered soul
the girl who took her own life
**the one they avoided at school

Misfit
Misprint
I was made completely wrong
I don’t fit the standards
Size or personality wise
I’m wider than average
And less than funny
My personality is strange
My chest is larger than typical range
I can be witty at times
But those are as rare as my rhymes
I’m unloved by most
Angry and angsty even at my best
I love sleep quite a lot
Though it never sets my soul at rest
I’m bursting at the seams within
With dreams of things far out of reach
Craving attention
But not accepting what I get
Always wanting more
But I am told I deserve less
Never good enough for society
But never given a reason why

Mislabeled
*just like everything else

Creating a new image
So that no one can see what I feel
Trying to cover the pain
I've carved into my very own skin
It’s my fault
I always find a way to take the blame
Causing harm to my self
To find a reason to cry
Because feeling like it
Isn't good enough
Not wanting to leave your room isn't acceptable
So you hide behind books
And smiles that mean nothing
Fooling everyone around you
Tricking yourself for just a second
But in the dark
In that corner on your bed
Or under that scalding shower head
You can’t escape
You can’t evade your mind forever
So you turn to pain
A physical release to make you feel sane
In places only you can see
And when you’re numb again
You cut again
Deeper each time
Until it’s enough
Until you’re suffocating no longer in your sorrow
But drowning
In a crimson flood from your body
The waves take you

There's this rabbit hole
I'm slowing falling down
Night after night I think of you
More
Than I ever use to
I saw a picture of you Friday
Broke my heart again
You're not supposed to still look
Just like you did
When your love was
Mine
I've started to miss you again
After doing so well
This isn't like wonderland
It's my own
pitiful
hell

I thought I hit the bottom when you first left
When I cried for hours
For days
Sobbing to fill the empty space you left
Like the ocean growing between us
But what if I’m just stuck in that ocean
For I have not moved on
But I have not moved back either
What if I’m just floating in the in between
In limbo between loving you
And getting over you
Something I don’t aspire to ever achieve
Because a world where I know longer love you
Is not a place I desire to live
So what do I do now
Here in this ocean void of you
How do I move on
Because I don’t want to
And I’m starting to forget how to swim

Did you toss and turn
Thinking about me
Did your heart skip a beat at my sight
Because my heart stopped
And my cheeks flushed
And all I got was a slight smile
A curve of that mouth I knew so well
Almost unnoticeable
Just like the connection between us
But I still feel it
Weak, but still pulsing
Is it just me?

Were you calling out to me?
           I couldn't hear over the static,
                    I'm consumed within.
I can feel the darkness,
          *do I let it win?

You sir
with the storm gray eyes
and suitcases at your knees
take me with you

wherever you’re going
It’s where I want to be
let me tag along on your journey
write me into your story

let me escape with you
I have baggage of my own
we’ll travel and live
away from here

That’s where I want to be
We can heal
Make a place
for us alone

I'm sick of these friendships that only bring pain
Saying you do everything
These fights that only bring blame
But where were you friend
When I needed you most
When I thought it was the end
The person I leaned on
Appeared to be gone
So this is it
Final goodbye
I deleted your contact
I'll never say hi

It's so hard to live with a martyr attitude
so quick to die for everything else
everyone else

Swinging like a door
I've become unhinged
Crazy to the core
I shouldn't have binged
Every time I sip
I always crave more
These parties make me slip
I’m turning back into a *****
Slide right in
I’m wide open
I’m suddenly craving sin
Knock knock is the pope in
Can I confess this all
Do we have the time
Meeting you was the fall
Kissing you the crime
Love has weakened me
To the soul
Addiction consumed me
But I'm on a roll
Smoking this
******* that
Widening the abyss
Where my heart once sat
Empty now
The space once filled
Numbing down
My body killed

I don't want to do anything
I want to sit
Or lay
And not move another day
Curl in a ball
Of warmth
I want to sway
And rock
Wishing away my sorrows

I wasn't cut out for this
I want to lay and listen
The idea of being out there kills me
It shouldn't
If I was consistent
Normal
It'd be the best time
I literally can't

Passion leaked from our pores
As we loved every inch of each other
Embrace after embrace
Trying to trace new lines on our bodies
Rubbing away the scars left by past lovers
Hoping against hope
That this time will be different
Wanting to make this time last
Make this love the last
So you pressed new dreams against my lips
While I entwined our future in our bodies
Promises of a life
Left unfulfilled
Empty

Darkness year round,
            I see words,
                   but never hear their sound.