Remember,
when we were younger
and we were scared
of the monster in the closet?

We never asked questions about it
why it was there
why the closet, of all places?
we were too terrified

But as we grew older
some of us stopped being afraid
because we knew it couldn’t hurt us
why be scared of something that couldn’t hurt you?

But some of us didn’t
to some of us, the monster grew
and it would attack us
late at night

Some of us weren’t afraid
but later in life
we confronted the monster again
and all those years of work dwindled down the drain

However, as we all grew
we, at some point, accepted the monster
sometimes welcoming it as a friend,
someone to listen

And as the days went by
all of us growing older
and finding ourselves, one day at a time,
the monster disappeared

It was like a weight off our chest
we were sad it was gone, but happy all the same

We could finally leave the confines of this place
and breathe
and laugh
and smile

maybe we were the monsters in the closet after all

I feel myself disappearing
More and more each day
Yet I'm still here
Attempting to pray

I feel myself disappearing
And I don't know what to do
Should I let it happen?
Should I move?

I feel myself disappearing
And soon it won't matter
Because if it doesn't stop now
I'm going to be tattered

I no longer feel myself disappearing
All is done
Maybe I'm better
Or maybe I'm gone

It’s like a spider
In a web
Crawling closer
Thread by thread

You try to run
But the strings are sticky
So you trip and fall
This was going to be tricky

You get back up
And continue on
Looking back
It was almost dawn

You’ve almost made it through the night
Keep on treading
You’re almost done
But the webs started spreading

The spider slowly follows
And you feel it in your soul
Here it comes again
Time to pay your toll

You lay there
Out of breath
Was it over?
Or was this death?

You couldn’t move
You felt dead
You were full of horrible emotions
One of them, dread

And suddenly, you realized
That big spider
The one that chased you
Was no outsider

You’ve been here before
All because of one thing
You should’ve stayed inside
But you didn’t know what the outside would bring

That spider
It feeds on society
That spider
Its name is Anxiety

Puking and depression
Coughing and anxiety

They go together
Like sticks and stones

Like

The sticky tar
And the wretched gasoline

You can't get rid of them
Because they stick to you

The tar becomes your clothes
And the gasoline becomes your perfume

They become a part of your life
Affecting where you go and what you like

And sometimes the tar is so thick
Or the gasoline is so strong

That you can't even get up
And so you're forced to stay in bed

And until the day comes

The day where you can peel that tar off
Or rinse that gasoline away

You will forever
Be set aflame

You control my life,
restricting each breath,
each laugh

Because of you,
I’ve forgotten how to smile,
how to live

You took all my friends away,
leaving just me,
and me, alone

You forced me into things,
things I hated,
but they were the only things that brought relief

And I find myself thinking about the past,
before I met you,
before you ruined my life

I don’t know how I used to be like that,
so happy,
so alive

You stole everything from me,
and now,
I don’t even know who I am

You’d think that after so many years
upon this utterly lonely planet,
we’d have learned what our purpose was

But each and every one of us,
each soul and heart,
are as confused as ever

The shimmering stars in the sky
reflecting themselves selfishly upon the lake
screaming at us to look at them;
to pay attention

But we’re too busy debating,
debating whether we have a purpose
or if we were simply made to die

The stars lose a bit of their shine,
creeping silently back to their room,
but yet they were not deterred

Night after night,
the stars gained glow after glow,
until we all finally looked up
and all of our angry faces turned soft

The stars glimmered and glinted,
being reflected in the eyes of each of us
entrancing us;
hypnotizing us

And then the stars snapped their fingers,
but we all continued to stare at the beauty
that we had forgotten existed in this cruel questionable world

What do you do,
when your entire life
has been an act?

A terrible mask,
glued to my face,
suffocating me

The mask shows a smile,
while underneath,
I crumble

But that’s okay,
I guess,
as long as you’re happy,
everything is fine, right?

My hand, it grasps,
a withered pen,
dry and old,
yet perfect all the same

My pen, it dances,
across the milky paper,
smooth and neat,
yet messy all the same

My paper, it shouts,
words, phrases, stories,
depressing and gloomy,
yet cheerful all the same

Sometimes,
we must let go
of the things we love

The things that brought us happiness,
and memorable memories,
must soon pack up and leave

Whether it be
because we grew too old,
or we grew too weak

We have to let go of them,
because they will injure us
if we do not

They will weigh us down,
like rocks in a backpack,
until we are on our knees

But we refuse to let them go,
to throw the backpack off,
and to finally breathe

Until we collapse

We cry,
shake,
scream

As we watch our memories,
childhood,
and our happiness,
turn into nothing
but a mere dream

Your laugh,
it flips a switch inside myself,
suddenly I'm a robot,
whose only purpose is to make you laugh

Your smile,
it makes my heart flip,
and suddenly I'm a gymnast,
willing to flip and cartwheel,
just to see you smile

Your tears,
they're like a blade to my wrist,
and suddenly I'm bleeding,
dizzy and angry and depressed,
because I'll take your sadness,
just so you can be happy

My mind,
a cluttered and messy place
A place that I’m forever trapped
without a key

The key,
it perches atop a stool
behind barbed wire
and steel bars

Inaccessible
Untouchable
Unreachable
Impossible

The words that haunt my mind,
a cavern,
a ghost of what it used to be

Taunting me,
restlessly,
while kicking
and spitting upon my fragile brain

Perhaps my brain is glass
and the thoughts are rocks,
shattering the glass,
and then using the remains to stab my heart

And I let it happen
because I know I will never be free,
free from the Hell inside my head

At this point,
I’d rather stop breathing
than to hope
for the rough surface of the key in my palm

Because hope is just another word,
a synonym for imagination

Something must’ve happened,
for I cannot grasp what I am feeling
conflicted yet again,
but isn’t that what life is?

My heart is numb,
my skull is aching,
it’s all I ever feel anymore,
I don’t want to live like this

I don’t know who I am anymore,
I’m not the same person I once was,
all I identify as is fake smiles,
and recent cuts

My heart is throbbing,
my head is asleep,
all I feel is hurt,
I don’t want to live like this

I’m a mess,
an island of lost ambition and broken dreams,
the scars are the isles,
and the tears are the waves

all i can wish for is that the island floods

They say to be yourself,
but then shoot you down if you are

They say that you're loved,
but every action shows otherwise

They say that life has meaning,
but they have no proof

They say I light up their life,
but all I see is darkness

I've gotten so used
to people telling me useless lies
that I've started to tell them myself

I say I'm okay
but I'm not

Why do we hide ourselves
burrowed deep underground
into the confines
of our mind?

It’s like a prison
one that can be harsh
yet also soothing
almost like a spa

And you get so caught up
in the massages
that you forget
all of the beatings

And when it switches
you’re struck down
again and again
until you’re back at square one

And all of this back and forth
it’s taking its toll
wearing you down
until you can’t even think

Perhaps we should tear the prison down
and instead, build a house
a cozy place to call home
where there is no judgement
and you can finally be you

I remember the better days,
back when the trees had color,
and the birds would sing

A mother would smile,
watching her daughters play,
skipping around with their puppies

The wind was soft,
the sky was bright,
and the sun brought comfort

Toys would litter the floor,
while giggles could be heard,
the mother shaking her head and smiling

Oh, what happened to those days?

The people changed,
the mother popping pills,
the eldest picking fights,
and the youngest, confused and terrified

She sought comfort in her toys,
and it simply brought them to life

A blue dragon and a tiger,
an unlikely combination,
were her heroes

She learned from them,
they were her best friends,
distracting her from the world falling apart

And fall apart, it did.

We all have a favorite word,
whether we know it or not

It’s a word we use frequently,
yet not frequent enough

It’s a word that dwells within us,
living happily in our mansion of a soul

It breathes our air
and pumps our blood

And sometimes it’ll cause our lungs to restrict,
or our heart to stop

But, like a drug,
we’ll drink it,
inhale it,
inject it,
and everything goes back to normal

As I drift off
Wordlessly
You
You don't see
You don't know

So I'm stuck
Floating
Lost in time
Swimming
In space

While you
On Earth
Smile
Laugh
Be carefree

Help me
Throw me a rope
Do something
Anything
I'm immobile
But mobile all the same

Be my lifeline
That's all I'm asking
I'm stuck
In a winter wonderland of purple hues
And bright lights

Never have I ever
Imagined missing the blues and greens
Of our lovely, yet fading Earth
But here I am
Floating aimlessly
Missing you

As I sit here
And think
God, it seems like it's all I do
Maybe I need a break

But then me
My inner self
She scolds me
Telling me no

And so I continue
Wherever I may be
To think
Whether the thoughts be good or bad

I hate this
This awful feeling
Overwhelmed
That's what I am

Maybe I should destroy her
My inner self, of course
As long as it takes this
This cursed pain away

All my life
I lived in fear
And cowered away
From the light

But the light
It wasn't the refreshing light
Or the light you're happy to see
After being in the dark so long

This light was different
It was the light from people
The people who judged you
If you lived in darkness

Because darkness
It's associated with death
And despair
And sadness

And sadness is associated with weakness
And if you're weak
Then you're not worthy of living

And so you shy away from that light
That ****** light
Afraid of being discovered
Living in the comforting darkness

And once you're discovered
You get sent away
To a place full of bright lights
And supposedly soothing voices

They hand you medicine
But to me
It's like they're shoving it down my throat

And every night
When I take that pill
It's like I'm swallowing my life
Drowning it

Because the medicine doesn't help
It makes me irritable
And angry
And serious
Because I can never see
With that horrid light shining in my eyes

They took me out of the darkness
Because they thought I wasn't happy
But then they trapped me in the cursed light
Where I am now petrified

I’ve forgotten what freedom tastes like,
the substance that used to dance around my taste buds,
pulling me in,
a comforting arm around my shoulders

I used to think it would last,
that I’d forever be filled to the brim with glee,
but here I am now,
no freedom in taste

The arm has disappeared,
it faded away over time,
much like all things do,
and with it, it took my bottle of freedom

The hole that I sit is no longer bright,
everything I see is dull,
everything I smell is dull,
and everything I taste is dull

I miss the colors,
the scents,
and the freedom

I took freedom for granted,
and now I’m stuck here,
wishing for just one last drip

Everyone is scared of monsters,
but there is a monster in each and every one of us

So are we afraid of our-self?
Yes

We hide our true selves
from strangers
with fake smiles
and false personalities

And when someone gets close
too close to the light inside
you panic
and your monster takes over

Because you’re scared of letting someone in
because if you let someone in,
they have the ability to hurt you
they have the ability to **** the monster

And as much as you hate that monster
you don’t want it dead
because it protects you
and without it, you’re vulnerable

And if you’re vulnerable
you’re weak
but the only way to get stronger
is to **** the monster

It’s a constant back and forth

And until you decide
until you allow someone
to see your light
the monster will stay
hidden deep beneath your chest
constricting each breath

"It's hard to write about life when you've never lived."

Shadows roll over
Much of your body
Lights out
Goodbye everybody

Perhaps you took too many pills
They knocked you out
When all you ever wanted
Was to shout

Perhaps you cut too deep
Struck a vein
And now
Say goodbye to your brain

Perhaps you jumped
And landed and broke
You warned everyone
They thought it a joke

Now you’re gone
Bloodied and numb
You can finally go back
To where you are from