Riiver Ends
11 hours ago

Can you tell me why the sky is blue?
Can you tell me what is true?
You say "feelings are not facts."
Is it because she's a she, and I'm a she?
Mom, I know it's wrong, but I'll put it in a song.
I can never tell you; I don't know if it's true.
If I did tell you, what would you do?
Would you make me go?
Would you try to put it to an end?
What would you do?
I don't know if what I feel is love, but I've felt it for a long time.
I am only young.
I do know
She makes me feel like fire;
She makes me feel like wind;
She makes me feel like rain.
What would you do?
Would you make me go?
Would you try to put it to an end?
I can never tell you, Mom.
I don't know what you would do.
Can you tell me why?
Can you tell me why the sky is blue?
Can you tell me what is true?

#love   #first   #poem   #lgbt  
12 hours ago

him: Have you ever been with a girl?

No. I've thought about kissing her a thousand times. She had hair like cotton candy and her voice was like a nightingale. Whenever I was sad, she'd sing me songs and put my name instead. Her skin was so pale like snow and she hated the veins on her eyelids, the ones that looked like lightning crashing. I counted her freckles every night before I went to bed. She was the love of my life and she loved me unconditionally for Gods knows what reasons. And then I messed it up and left, because I got scared. When I begged for her back, she said no.

him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. She had a narrow waist and long brown eyelashes. I kissed them before as she slept. She felt warm against me and I traced the outline of the ink on her back, the bouquet of flowers. And when she got high, I put her to bed and got drunk by myself. We fucked until morning and we watched the sunrise together, over the city skyline. She fed me wild strawberries and we shared the same cup of tea together. When I woke up, she was gone.

him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. I met her in a club and I kissed her outside a supermarket. She devoted herself to me. Called me. Adored me. And I, selfishly, didn't give a single damn. I never responded and if I did, I was far away. My mind was never on her. When I finally apologized, she never texted me back. She said I wasn't her usual type and though I didn't say it out loud, I agreed.

him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. She kissed me on the subway and gave me flowers. When I drank too much, she cleaned up after me and put me to bed. She still kissed me after. She was wild. Reckless. Looking for trouble and I ignored it. I adored every part of her. One day, she whispered I Love You to me when she was drunk. She never mentioned it again. Her eyes darkened over time and I came home to find only someone who looked like her. When she left, I wrote poems about her and burned myself. I got drunk every night alone. I continually slept on the bench in the park, just to be somewhere where we hadn't been. My heart was breaking and she kept smiling.

him: Have you ever been with a girl?

me: Yes.

him: That's hot.

Inspired by something I can't remember now.
#gay   #lgbt   #lesbian  

I'm damned to hell for loving a woman.
But I'll exist in hell for loving a man.

#lgbt   #closet  
4 days ago


the images of death softly kiss my thoughts

i want to feel the warmth of the gun against my head

contain the feeling of having control of life or death

don’t tell me sweet lies

don’t tell me things get better

because they don’t nothing will get better

not after what he has done

i will never sleep the same

i will never think the same

or trust the same

or look at people the same

nothing will be the same after what he fucking did

i am full of anger

i am full of fear

i know i repeat myself

but those are the thoughts that control me

i sit here to pray to a god i don’t feel

i want to feel anything

not this fucking pain never

i don’t like not having people in my life

i never feel worthy

i never feel good enough

i depend on people that i am good enough to believe it

i need people to tell me i am beautiful so i believe i am beautiful

what is wrong with me

why do i depend on people

that is what got me hurt

i thought because he liked me i could finally like myself

he didn’t fucking like me

he lied to me

he wanted my body not my soul

he didn’t take the time to know me

or know who i truly was

he didn’t care

i knew that

i wish i could get through a conversation without crying

i want to talk

i want to tell

my story

i want my story to not be tied up with rape and abuse

#poem   #broken   #sad   #heart   #pain   #story   #help   #heartbroken   #lgbt   #rape  

I am tired of being told what I should and what I shan't.
And I know this platform isn't for ranting and yet here I'll rant.
I am sick of being empty, aimless, vague and out of place.
I am sick of wasting all your air, of taking all your space.
And my claws, I use to tear my skin, so that I could be set free,
And my screams I let out muffled and hushed to spare you my agony.
And my body feels imprisoning, my breath is getting faint
And my eyes are melting, face is welting, dying from the paint
And the bathroom doors complaining from the numb and from the tear
And my psyche getting tired of all the sorrow and the fear.
And the voice inside my head, always saying I'm not enough
And the lies I tell myself like "you can make it, you are tough."
And the people I looked up, lived with, shared with my days
And the lies they taugh me, unconditional love, they said, stays.
And the God whom I once worshiped and for whom I often cried
And the deaf, the blind, the disabled, to whom he's closely tied.
And the fact that I am beyond your repair, beyond all that can be done
And the way I feel at the start of each day and with every falling sun.
And the creature biting on my heart at every given chance
And the demons sitting in my head, not letting me advance.
And the love I always had, different faces every while
And the feelings that I gave away and never even got a smile.
This is not a ranting place, and yet here I wrote.
Is this a good place though to write one's suicide note?

#love   #suicide   #hate   #god   #religion   #society   #lying   #rant   #lgbt   #parents  

This country was founded on the idea of being who you are in liberty, yet there are people trapped in closets because the monsters are on the other side and the darkness has become too comforting at this point; the face of death has become too beautiful to want to turn away. We are hidden, dancing around the idea of being hung as perfectly as that shirt that was “too gay”; planning our proposal to the Grim Reaper because, at this point, he is the only man who can “turn us straight”. We’re rolling out our blueprints and studying the structure of surviving instead of accepting that we’re different and actually living. The pride that used to live in us died a long time ago, maybe around the same time we were in the closet writing our suicide notes; for others, it was the day they were calling their loved ones for final words before their pulse was devoured by the hurricane.

This country was founded on the idea of being who you are in liberty, yet it was built off blacks and Native Americans forced into captivity; sold and sent off into slavery. The basis of this country is “freedom”, but… I’m still trying to find the point in time when we practiced what we preached, um - have you heard the joke about the Annoying Orange? He was elected president. No, wait, I think it was actually part of a horror movie. I’m sorry, was that racist? Because there are people on twitter who rant about how “REVERSE RACISM DOES EXIST” and “WHITE OPPRESSION”, now please don’t get offended, but it’s 2017 and the true founders of these divided, yet technically united, states are being held at gunpoint simply for being born that way. Just when we thought the crackling of our spines was enough to run the white boys away, they had to send their dads in to drop charges labeled “thief”, “thug”, and “felon” on our shoulders until they crushed our will to live. Now don’t have hope on justice for that is nothing but a fairy tale. If you haven’t already realized, the dragon of their arrogance grows the more they see us fail.

This country was founded on the idea of being who you are in liberty, ...but we forgot to include women in the subtext. Did I say “we”? I’m sorry. I meant HE, and not HE as in God who created you and me, but HE as in the Annoying Orange and every Arrogant Coconut elected to run this country. Apparently, we must conform to their manly mentality, their barbaric way of living because

“Women are too emotional”

“She’s probably PMSing”

But tell a guy he throws like a girl and watch his estrogen crawl from the deepest corners of his eye sockets as he runs away; their faces flushed with shame… because being feminine is something to be ashamed about. Throwing like a girl is offensive. Losing to your girlfriend in 2k is not Ok.
“You must obey me” they say.

“You belong in the kitchen”

And all we knew to say was “ok”.

You see, I’m tired of being tamed by men and am regurgitating all these false allegations.

I will not stop eating chocolate cake to please you. I love chocolate cake. It pleases me.

I will not watch my weight to protect your pride. Loving my weight is my pride.

I will not do squats because you want to post a picture of me on Instagram under hashtag thicc. I hate exercising. It’s exhausting.

I will only stop eating chocolate cake when I start to break out in places I shouldn’t.

I will only watch my weight when my doctor tells me I will die otherwise.

I will only do squats when I want to check myself out in my new bikini in the summertime.

This country was founded on the idea of being who you are in liberty, but it’s difficult to get the message across without learning the word “respect”.

You. Heterosexual judging me. Respect our various identities.
You. Caucasian individual. Acknowledge and respect our black history.
You. Cisgender male oppressing my womanhood. Respect your own mother.
You. Liberal teen defending your right to believe. Respect the worn out Cheeto puff.

And you will see…

Maybe one day we will know a free America.

You liked her because her cheeks were pink,
And her lips were red,
And her skin was white.
Her face was like a Valentine,
And you were ready to give her your heart.

You liked her because of the black hair,
And smokey eyes,
And dark magic.
She was a witch
And you memorized her palms,
Hoping yours would be a spell
She didn't know yet.

You liked her, even when it stung.
She was like looking at the light in the dentist's chair.
She fried your retinas.
Your fluorine-filled mouth gagging you with cherry
While she got high on laughing gas.

You loved her, with the pink light bathing her
And your red lipstick thick on her lips
And her calloused hands squeezing your heart purple.

You love her hard enough to kill Cupid.

Cupid is pink, turning white.
The blood empties
Like cherry syrup.
The sky is dark.
Her lips are purple.
Your love is a crime scene.

Happy Valentine's Day.

#love   #ex   #gay   #loss   #lost   #hurt   #lgbt   #valentines   #lesbian   #holiday  

You've got that sunshine in your soul
that pep in your step
girl you make the music loose control with that
pep in your step
Girl you don't realize
what you doing to me
got that smile that lights up the town
girl I want to keep you around

When I was in the fourth grade I didn’t understand magnets.
You told me that they were like a boy and a girl,
that the positives and negatives stuck together,
but with two girls they would just repel.
as if the idea of two girls being together was so awful that mother nature herself would come down to pull them apart.
I think about that a lot.

And now I’m standing here in front of you,
the words dancing behind my tongue,
and I am fighting to keep them down.
I want to tell you that I’m finally happy,
that I found someone,
that when I hold her hand I don't want to run.
I want you to know that I love her,
and that I didn't actually know what love was until now.
I want you to know that with her everything is brighter,
and that I take back my feminist rants because if she were my wife I’d always cook dinner.
the love songs I listen to finally make sense,
and hell,
maybe Romeo and Juliet weren't crazy after all.

I know this might be confusing.
But before her I was soil,
And now I’m a bed of roses.
I’m sorry for hiding this for so long.
and now it seems like a college phase,
but if we’re being honest I always knew.
I knew at junior prom when my date’s hand made me recoil.
I knew when I never really hit that boy crazy phase.
and I knew when I saw her,
When we watched a movie on the grass and I laid my head on her shoulder,
and I felt like I was home.

And I’ve tried to change,
if I knew how I would.
When Mom died you said you would always love me.
I hope you meant it,
because I’ve tried to pick between you.
Take you, leave her.
Take her, leave you.
But I can’t.
So please don’t make me.

Who am I
Who am I to think that it all will be ok.
When my heart is shattered for the first time
A million pieces on the floor
While I stand up confident and smiling
I'm shuttering and in excruciating pain inside

Who am I
To seem put together
To put on that plastic smile
That makes money and wins hearts
The smile that wins; the smile that takes

Who am I
To crush hearts
But when I myself am crushed
Be surprised at the anguish

Who am I
To just want to touch you
To just want to hold you and feel your warmth
To feel you there in my sleep
To once in my life not feel alone
You can run, you can go
Just a moment more with you would be worth a million heartaches and a million bruises
I'm broken inside, but I'd do it again just to kiss that beautiful face and feel ok for a moment more.

And so I drown into myself. My hard controlling self. But I have to breathe eventually. And I come up--gasping for air-- and pooling my tears around me; I remember how it feels to be broken. Then I pull myself down to drown once more. Covered in my plastic suffocation. I am safe. I will be safe. Blissful suffocation

#lgbt   #closet  
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