“Not pretty enough, not smart enough,
not athletic enough,not talented enough…..”
repeated in my mind
like a broken record.
because that’s all you have left to do.
“Fake it till you make it…”
as they always say
but every time someone passes by
a smile always comes across.
“how can you be so happy?”
truth: i don’t know.
I smile because i can’t seem to frown,
I laugh because it’s better than crying,
I talk too much
I smile too much,
I laugh too much
I eat too much candy.
Those are other imperfections
What else, what else
to list ,to say, to explain...
I am a picky eater.
I bite my nails when i get nervous.
I try too hard to do well.
I try to please everyone.
and it’s never enough.
I talk too fast.
I laugh in the worst scenarios,
I challenge myself to impress my parents
I try so hard to be a good person,
but to no avail.
what do i receive in the end for being smart?
“Can you help me with the homework?”
why do you all talk to me?
Just because i’m smart,
Just because i get the “good grades” everyone dies for?,
but when i need someone to hear me ,
even if it’s for something stupid, you all ignore.
You all pretend to listen,
but Here i am.
with the monster that eats inside me
I have it easy,
but i feel
Who to turn , who to talk, what to do?
I am running
The “Friends” won’t care
The journal won’t comfort me,
the ‘rents will criticize
and say i’m overthinking it…
or send me to the nearest doctor
“fix me up”
when i walk everyday and see people smile,
i can’t help, but think
“are they really smiling because they want to,
or because they HAVE to?”
Everyone admires my “cheerfulness”
and I know that behind
many of those stares,
and I wonder why ?
I'm smart, but what comfort does that provide?
Last time i checked….
It never did.
Who am i?
one day the smile won’t be a smile.
The positivity will turn to negativity,
the friendliness will turn to antisocialness.
The sweetness, will become to sourness
everything will disappear.
I will wilt
like the roses bit by the cold,
doomed to turn into a shriveled, shrunk piece of a dead flower
Once beautiful, but now forever
I am always dreaming,
for the unreachable
I wish i was talented,
I wish i was athletic,
I wish i could get my life in order,
I wish i was super rich
That all it’ll ever be
The relevance in
these two topics
they definitely don’t match,
but yet it does
it somehow reaches a tangent.
I don’t even know…
I guess somewhere my mind
will be like bling and
I'll remember the relevance,
but for now, we’ll keep it to the following…
I am not supermodel skinny.
I am terrible at math.
I don't have perfect vision,
glittering white teeth,
or athletic ability,
or the perfect mindset.
I am smart.
I smile a lot and laugh a lot.
I will continue to strive to do better.
To smile even if i feel like crying
that I am a mess on some days
I will find the solution.
and the world around me.
For now though,
I am the beautiful, crooked
with some optimism and enthusiasm left
with a broken mind,
a broken heart that keeps loving and beating
and that will continue to beat-
For those better days.