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William Barry Jun 2014
***
Making love,
a sweaty pit stop
between the sheets.
Politicians,
librarians,
directors,
janitors,
authors,
qu­eens,
kings,
moms,
you,
me,
All guilty of this bittersweet act of sticky significance.
All willing to tangle our limbs every night.
When I die
I don't care what happens to my body
throw ashes in the air, scatter 'em in East River
bury an urn in Elizabeth New Jersey, B'nai Israel Cemetery
But l want a big funeral
St. Patrick's Cathedral, St. Mark's Church, the largest synagogue in
        Manhattan
First, there's family, brother, nephews, spry aged Edith stepmother
        96, Aunt Honey from old Newark,
Doctor Joel, cousin Mindy, brother Gene one eyed one ear'd, sister-
        in-law blonde Connie, five nephews, stepbrothers & sisters
        their grandchildren,
companion Peter Orlovsky, caretakers Rosenthal & Hale, Bill Morgan--
Next, teacher Trungpa Vajracharya's ghost mind, Gelek Rinpoche,
        there Sakyong Mipham, Dalai Lama alert, chance visiting
        America, Satchitananda Swami
Shivananda, Dehorahava Baba, Karmapa XVI, Dudjom Rinpoche,
        Katagiri & Suzuki Roshi's phantoms
Baker, Whalen, Daido Loorie, Qwong, Frail White-haired Kapleau
        Roshis, Lama Tarchen --
Then, most important, lovers over half-century
Dozens, a hundred, more, older fellows bald & rich
young boys met naked recently in bed, crowds surprised to see each
        other, innumerable, intimate, exchanging memories
"He taught me to meditate, now I'm an old veteran of the thousand
        day retreat --"
"I played music on subway platforms, I'm straight but loved him he
        loved me"
"I felt more love from him at 19 than ever from anyone"
"We'd lie under covers gossip, read my poetry, hug & kiss belly to belly
        arms round each other"
"I'd always get into his bed with underwear on & by morning my
        skivvies would be on the floor"
"Japanese, always wanted take it up my *** with a master"
"We'd talk all night about Kerouac & Cassady sit Buddhalike then
        sleep in his captain's bed."
"He seemed to need so much affection, a shame not to make him happy"
"I was lonely never in bed **** with anyone before, he was so gentle my
        stomach
shuddered when he traced his finger along my abdomen ****** to hips-- "
"All I did was lay back eyes closed, he'd bring me to come with mouth
        & fingers along my waist"
"He gave great head"
So there be gossip from loves of 1948, ghost of Neal Cassady commin-
        gling with flesh and youthful blood of 1997
and surprise -- "You too? But I thought you were straight!"
"I am but Ginsberg an exception, for some reason he pleased me."
"I forgot whether I was straight gay queer or funny, was myself, tender
        and affectionate to be kissed on the top of my head,
my forehead throat heart & solar plexus, mid-belly. on my *****,
        tickled with his tongue my behind"
"I loved the way he'd recite 'But at my back allways hear/ time's winged
        chariot hurrying near,' heads together, eye to eye, on a
        pillow --"
Among lovers one handsome youth straggling the rear
"I studied his poetry class, 17 year-old kid, ran some errands to his
        walk-up flat,
seduced me didn't want to, made me come, went home, never saw him
        again never wanted to... "
"He couldn't get it up but loved me," "A clean old man." "He made
        sure I came first"
This the crowd most surprised proud at ceremonial place of honor--
Then poets & musicians -- college boys' grunge bands -- age-old rock
        star Beatles, faithful guitar accompanists, gay classical con-
        ductors, unknown high Jazz music composers, funky trum-
        peters, bowed bass & french horn black geniuses, folksinger
        fiddlers with dobro tamborine harmonica mandolin auto-
        harp pennywhistles & kazoos
Next, artist Italian romantic realists schooled in mystic 60's India,
        Late fauve Tuscan painter-poets, Classic draftsman *****-
        chusets surreal jackanapes with continental wives, poverty
        sketchbook gesso oil watercolor masters from American
        provinces
Then highschool teachers, lonely Irish librarians, delicate biblio-
        philes, *** liberation troops nay armies, ladies of either ***
"I met him dozens of times he never remembered my name I loved
        him anyway, true artist"
"Nervous breakdown after menopause, his poetry humor saved me
        from suicide hospitals"
"Charmant, genius with modest manners, washed sink, dishes my
        studio guest a week in Budapest"
Thousands of readers, "Howl changed my life in Libertyville Illinois"
"I saw him read Montclair State Teachers College decided be a poet-- "
"He turned me on, I started with garage rock sang my songs in Kansas
        City"
"Kaddish made me weep for myself & father alive in Nevada City"
"Father Death comforted me when my sister died Boston l982"
"I read what he said in a newsmagazine, blew my mind, realized
        others like me out there"
Deaf & Dumb bards with hand signing quick brilliant gestures
Then Journalists, editors's secretaries, agents, portraitists & photo-
        graphy aficionados, rock critics, cultured laborors, cultural
        historians come to witness the historic funeral
Super-fans, poetasters, aging Beatnicks & Deadheads, autograph-
        hunters, distinguished paparazzi, intelligent gawkers
Everyone knew they were part of 'History" except the deceased
who never knew exactly what was happening even when I was alive

                                                February 22, 1997
The letter was a warm invitation  and a perfect getaway I needed to lay low after are  brief rise to cult status i had partaken of the
rewards of semi obscurity and had a few angry fathers searching for me.

The big apple it called to me like a stripper apon a pole demanding thats all you got is ones you cheap *******?
My true sidkick  like robin to batman just less gay and good looking.

Met me at the station  Amigo how the hell are you now were's the bar?
Drinks on you right?
Cause when your a semi celeb slash rockstar of hello why the **** should i pay.
Why should women be the only ones to walk into a bar with three dollars  in there purse and get rip roaring drunk.
Besides if i was a chick id be a **** *****.

The stage was set the bar was filled with strange sounding people
all asking my well know  brother in madness who tha  ***** this *******.
****** good man im not just any ******* im Gonzo.

Beer on another mans tab always tasted better   just remember ******
im not putting out   well unless  you ask me niceley  or pay  me
like that rich old lady used to who  also was missing her leg.

yes what memeories id slip her a mickey  rearrange her  clothes and after she woke  up tell her what a wild night we had yes i know
true romance.

BUT ENOUGH WITH THE FOREPLAY CHILDREN!

We began are quest like any other  seeing how much ***** we could
hold  till  normal people began to make sense.
I work everyday busting my freakin ***  still it aint enough Gonz.
The angry little italian man who's wallet i had borrowed said beside me.
Hey a girls gotta eat.
Dear lord man you mean you actully have to go back everyday hey is this a gold card   your worse than my wife freakin ***.
Sir you are a charmer  what angry little people  lived here.

Bill lets hit the ******* im in need of culture  and some naked women amigo  come on im  drinks are on Vinny who gives a ****.

After bill  dipped into his life savings to pay the tab we hopped
a cab headed for Manhattan  to the place  of great myths and wonder
it called to great men from arond the world to bask in its beauty.

No not the statue of the giggantic woman  with a torch although i wondred  as i stood below her ****** why cant she be wearing a mini skirt.
You gotta love a big girl  she was such a tease.

No as i stood  tears meeting my bloodshot eyes
befor the mecca  the big apple and the home  of legends and playground to the *****.

Hey get the **** outta the street *******.
It"s Gonzo  man ****** how many times do i need to repeat myself.
Scores a ******* to the rich  a fools paradise **** Disneyland.
Ive been on spacemountian most my life anyways.

As through the doors we were met by a scene of true
art much like the Mona Lisa  if she were a stripper named candice cane  in red high heels hanging from a stripper  pole.

the drinks flowed  the lap dances were well you get the point.
I realized my two drink minimum freind was a little how should i say it poetically.
******* wasted.

As he tried  to give a stripper named honey a lap dance  
never mind him ladies he's my  ******* brother.
In a plan of true drunken genius i explained he was sick and
his last wish was for his older brother to hookup with
some   hot  strippers to have  ahh  some  after hours activities  
Who's ***** bingo.
how i love  bango I mean bingo.

Tears welled up in there eyes  thank god they didnt question why my little brother was 58.
Hey there strippers  and if they  were all going to college  then
this would be a ******* library  not a high  dollar  titie bar.

Librarians with there hair up short tight skirts and glasses
i swear you get busted for  having a little alone time on a public
computer   in that over rated book store for a second time and everyone  flips ****.
Society is so judgemental  but that's another story  
and court case   away.

The plastic fake boobie women had fallin for it.
So like drunken ninjas in a fog of  dellusion and wild turkey we made are last exit to brooklyn.
  
Hey  Gonz why do these chicks keep asking how much longer do i have.
Smacking my friend swiftly in the head had drawn the attention
of the strippers away from counting there tips and comparing there fake breast.

He's got brain dammage sometimes you have to hit em in the  
head to get him unstuck  ****** just look at the poor *******
he thinks he's not sick  oh dam life i need a cuddle girls.
Bill hold the camera.

We hit my friend's apartment like tourist slipping across the boarder grabing and  consuming great amounts of ***** and some sort of white powder  must have been for allergies.

Like squirrels  on acid  running down the interstate we were  
half nuts by the time that big orange ball thats causes me to wear sunglases did appear.

The ladies who names i cant recall  but honestly who gives a ****.
were passed out in bed Bill  in the fish tank  
calling himself captian nimmo  at this point led me to belive just maybe he had  a little  to much  but theres  many pitfalls on the road to Gonzo pacman.

Few men had the liver  or insanity of your's truely.
so after i talked my  tripping amigo off the frige.
Reassuring him its okay   amigo   thats what women look like naked.

I assure you  just cause they broke theres off doesnt mean they'll do the same to yours.
****** son why have a computer if not to look at **** and read long rants by insane people who call themself Gonzo?

After are long disscussion   about good touch bad touch and happy endings  we were off  again.

                                                 Ground Zero

                                        Silence And Respect

Standing there there was a shared  moment.
And a pain any soul could feel.
It wasnt about race or religion  it was about people
we all lost that day.
John Patrick Robbins stood beside a brother without a word
said as it spoke a million feeling's to the soul.

                           No one ever truley leaves there.

At the bus station a few cocktails behind us me and the kiddster
parted slightly hung over   and strung out smelling of reckless abandon
and strippers and wild turkey.

Apon the bus sitting by the window and some large man.
Who reaked of sardines  and  resembled a  cerial ******.
yes ladies he's single  and will probaly **** ya.
Wonder why he has a hard time getting dates?

As Bill waved goobye to his demented  brother from his own planet.
I waved back saying hey amigo  is this your debit card hell no worries
i'll keep  good care of it and reward myself.

As the bus left the station  my semi ******* friend chasing behind
yelling Gonzo i'll get you for this you freakin *******.
Kidster  that hurt i yelled but not as much as it's gonna hurt you bank account cheers.

That guy in black is ******  you  better watch out he's probaly connected.
No worries my funny smelling oversized friend
so am i replied.
I have the internet as well.

Bound for parts unknown Gonzo  made many stops
and if not for legal reason's  id share most of them.
Yes as i sat apon the beach  after taking a little side trip to Florida.
Drink in hand lost in deep thought's for which i cant remember.
      
Reflecting apon my time in the big apple.
And my friend the Kiddster
A toast to my friend.
Hope you like the post card  and the three week vacation
i treated myself to.

Sorry about the whole life savings thing but
who needs to retire in there 80's  work will keep you young girlfriend.

Cheers your slightly insane friend Gonzo.
As in most my writes  this is based on a slightly sober true story
except  for the stealing his credit cards  cause that would be a admission of guilt  and stealing is wrong of course i mean.

Stay crazy Forever Gonzo

And oh yes my friends Billy the  Kiddster is also on hello and if you liked the thirty year old ******  then check out the well really ******* older one.
And Bill no need to thank me  you know i always got your  back  and your pin number.   Fin  amigo
Alyssa Beddoe Aug 2012
Senior Present
I walked in to the school this morning
To see all of the teachers
Munching and nibbling on food.
I turned down the hallway to be greeted
By a glorious sent that hit my nostrils

I watched as kids floated down the hall way
Towards the smell, they were just out of reach
Of the food, as the smell led them to a closed door
Of the teachers lounge.

Inside were all sorts of candies. There was a candy
Of every type, all shapes and sizes. No one was left
Out every teacher had there favorite kind some ware.

There were cakes and pies,
Fudge and brownies,
Ice cream and frozen yogurt.
There was healthy food
And nut free snacks.
There was lollipops
And twizlers.

It was Halloween all over again,
With a twist of fancy,
It was a dessert buffet
Just for the teachers.

It was a way to thank them for all the
Time they spent teaching us the same thing
To have patience for all the questions, to help us
In till we understood, staying extra hours to help us.

This food display is a thanks to not just the teachers
But to the janitors, the special education helpers
The nurses, librarians, office and consoler office ladies
The police officers and the principal her self.

I thought it would be nice to give you all a special treat
A present, instead a prank, since it is my senior year.
Tawanda Mulalu Aug 2015
I would have rather been Orpheus,
travelling to various hells for you
and singing songs to save you
even though you couldn't save yourself:
stop looking back. The flames aren't worth it.
Let my eyes burn brighter than the abyss.
Just whatever you do don't turn your face
away Eurydice. Hades will have his Persephone
and you are not her.

It's better this way I guess. I would have looked
back at you and watched you crumble into
a shadowy pillar of salt as did the wife of Lot
when she looked back at *****. I am faithless,
which is why I cannot sing like Orpheus. I am faithless,
which is why I would have watched you melt into
a shadowy memory of the underworld even if I could.

Instead, I was a messenger of these strange myths.

Wings on my feet, I raced against the multitudinous
skylines of the worlds I do not inhabit, skipped across
volumes and volumes of rows and columns of planets and
stars written by dead old men and women. They spoke presently
of the voluminous presence their absence had created, and did so
without having known of the secrets of this absence when
they wrote about their respective presents. Presents conferred
to winged-feet wishful thinkers who spiral uncontrollably with their mouths
to sudden and dangerous depths: Every serious reader remembers
the time they stopped whispering controversies and started shouting them
without knowing that they were shouting them: Ideas are messy things
that don't need loudspeakers: Decibels violently shudder themselves out
of being the moment you mention to your mother that God
might not exist and Camus said so: Existence itself implodes outwards
like how plants produce seeds that make themselves when novels
start at their ends which are really their beginnings: Children
**** their mothers through birth: Boys with wings on their feet
take the library too seriously.

This is
          how
and
          where
I flew towards you without a chariot

and found you in your various hells, one book at a time,
and why I would have rather have been Orpheus
because at least then I could have sang you songs
before you ended up retreating back into your various
selves. It could have been my fault then for looking back.

It could have been,
   could have been,
   could have been
you that was Orpheus. You who looked back.
You being the reason that I crumbled into a pillar of
shadow and salt because, as did Lot's wife, I looked back.

We both did, and watched the whole world invert itself
on its axis, then turn and twist and shift itself
into superimposed images and shapes and dreams
that changed you from muse to poet and
dream to dreamer
and Eurydice to Orpheus
and to Lot then his wife
and to this: which you always were.

              Those wings on your feet: When
the librarians changed the positions of the bookshelves-
and therefore our imaginations: our movements
and stanzas and scenes and days and nights-
               Those wings on your feet: When
that happened they must have stopped fluttering
for a second. I tried flying again and fell.

I haven't been much of a messenger since.
Mess, mess and more mess I guess.
Maura Feb 2015
Why are librarians always mean?
They act like they are the queen
of the library scene

They are in charge, that is true
they make that clear when shushing you
if only they actually knew
people only go to the library to pass through

they ***** and fuss all day
and treat children like their prey
they all turn into a cliche
if only there was another way

they are lonely crotchety old ladies
who took their dreams and turned them into maybes
some of them had wished to write
or edit famous books into the night

but alas here they are in old schools
screamin' and yellin' all day about the rules
I think that's probably why
they take pleasure in making children cry

Forever they'll sit at their desk
growing in old age grotesque
when you see a librarian make sure to scurry
unless you want to feel her wrath and fury
Matt May 2015
Organizing books
Answering calls about the availability of books

This is the role of the librarian

I am watching them in action now

Looks like a fun position to have

I don't have a position

I just wander from place to place
Third Eye Candy Jan 2013
the glockenspiel of our daily raid of sewers in heaven
and our Jovian dwarves appalling the rapturous capacity of forever and ever.
the kooky jingle of our serpents, darning socks for the antichrist
and our elaborate rats. the simple maze of our condition
in the hell were at. the creaking gate to a twilight
and a lost chapter
marooned on an
island
of undead Librarians.
starving for brains
tardy with the
Harold
Robins

knife in red breast.
Michael John Jul 2018
i

i think why not to let
but proved the query set
a double somersault-twist
or kiss your sweet lips..

can  end in cold death-
still the birds in the trees
go cheep or not at all..
i have reason to not question..

ii

i have memories return from the crib
it is all just part of the aging process
we beetle by saying that can´t be right
the lights´ get bright and bright..!

birds talk to us but i don´t hear voices
we become preoccupied with prices..
i recall four blackjacks  a penny
dying has a long curious way..

i am pretty sure i am someone else
absolute and completely and yet
these early feelings as blithe pictures
remain constant..



iii


more work less ******* about
but creation is just living
some absolute and indistinct
(it is tough being a poet..)..

iv

lily says,for it is her,
you don´t play no more,
only i say in mind
the years don´t lie
content´ s fragile store..
repetition dulls the brightest
core..eventually a silent purr ask´ s why
not why not..

v

why write poetry says lily
because it is a futile act
of achieving something perfectly..
we like that..


or like stubbing one´ s little toe
a rabbit from a dream hat
in a vain effort to retain what
remains of my memory..

lily why not or why bother..
lily red diamond from her
eyes sparking like a star is
just a ******* star baby..

she half nelson bottle wine
why do anything..a sign
a metaphor an hieroglyph
love and hate lily..

or the little bird in the agaves
i would like to shoot that one
hate and love lily
porquoi-pas..

vi

i read o twenty years before actually commiting to paper
not much but i knew the stuff i loved and kept there
i know it was charles bukowski i loved his funky gear
thank you norwegion liz for lending me his books dear..

ham on rye and factotum you say don´t lose them mf
i swore i would not lose them i would not lose them kf
kind friend..but i lost them i lost them..df..
dumb ******..


i leant them to someone that swore the same
they suffered an horrendous head..crang..
on and the books lost the books got lost..
there was scant satisfaction in plaster form..

maybe they went to a happy home
so not my fault that his drunk poems
god is he fun liz i hear your laugh then
such a wild sound ..generous so!

you said i should write and thank you
only human to encourage me true
and always a good drinking companion
you bought decent wine..

i adored cognac o..that was my poison
you always attracted van gelis errant tounge
unpleasant but one had to watch him..
that was his fun..

and then backgammon
goes a bit faint then..
i would like to say i won
you told me roland was cheating..

i think it was fun to play him anyway
esspicially on cement truck day..
not that he ever bought me a drink
not that i liked cement..

i lived with roland actually
this stopped any conversation
i met him by accident in eilat
that place was a laugh..

i think i enjoyed the second time
first loads of day jobs though i
played in the streets..and living with
the russians..

that a blast lily..my immediate neighbor
we never spoke..and the police pulled his hair
and yet not a squeak..a match box of grass cheap
i went to silently get a light..

he did say never run boy..
i thought alright for you
alright,
who was playing late night
in the soft quiet night..

so i was nosy
within the deepest hush
a glass and bottle jungle
impossible this silence

and i could hear him swallow
once the army ran through
i was tucked up in bead reading
by hopeless candle light..

i met roland in the peace cafe
a misnomer if ever there was
he picked me up and tossed me
around..

hey mike we got ****** and under
the landing planes roaring down
aint had hash like that in so many
years..

there was the red lion and at seven
free food and a drink and a movie
i read miguel cervantes..they
play the eye of the tiger later..

then the hard rock cafe with killer
egg and chips
i worked with an architect and made
a few shekals.

vii

i got out of there man i went south
dhab a quiet hut and goats..
that is the life right there..
o the corral beauties..

the stars as glimpsed through the palm..
pretty carpet and soften-songs of balm
brain blown and fly blown
and then back to town..

which came as a shock then
i had a drink and a very nice mention
for the cafe at the bus station..
i salut the the patience of the librarians..
Tony Luxton Jun 2015
Gold and silver battle *****
torn from swords saddles and crosses
lying beneath a farmer's field
tributes to kings and bellicose gods.

Fierce birds of prey snakes fish and bears
framed in filigree geometry
guarded warriors' savage souls.
No mercy in Mercia.

Archeologists anthropologists
historians librarians
curators and consertvators
collect confer and classify
while I just try to connect.
Breeze-Mist Aug 2017
The librarians
Know me better than others
Just by my readings

Because who else knows
I've checked out all the comics
And tons of odd bits
Dedicated to the school librarians, who have seem me check out countless graphic novels, classic science fiction, books on encryption and the NSA, all manners of cookbooks, twelve books on feminism, and fourteen books on the history of rock music.
Keith W Fletcher Jan 2016
When you live in the suburbs like I do and like I always have,
the same house even, there is an intimacy that develops- real or imagined -with your neighbors. It's like those dreams we sometimes have about people and places that really do exist, but it just ain't quite what it's supposed to be , but we accept it anyway, because it's a dream and in that ethereal realm of dreams -that's what you do ...you accept the normally unacceptable.
       For instance, who could ever have imagined that the Rosses ,who live at 1423 ,would turn out to be secret swingers ? Mr. Ross is 62 years old, probably five foot nine with a horseshoe ring of white on white  cotton- fluff hair,  perched on his round pink scalp,  over his round pink face , accentuated by round -wire rim- glasses perched on his nose and a  little white mustache that hangs under his nose - like an afterthought.
    Mrs Ross is a  slightly rounded little woman that  always wears  flowery dresses, and  those god awful  tortoiseshell glasses secured to a  string around the neck  like secretaries and librarians often wear.   Her hair would also be white , if not for her habit of having it dyed blue , as is a habit of many suburban housewives of her age .
     So it would be impossible to ever imagine this pair of- short , jolly - suburbanites as secret swingers , but it's true. . I know!  Because I've seen them at it .  About 2 years ago- while Billy Joe Randall , Macy and me were( oh yeah my name is Rance Reed short for Clarence -but don't call me that ) anyway; where was I -oh yeah -we were down at the little pocket park on Grove Street- sitting behind a hydrangea bush-smoking a fatty- and telling each other lies that no one believes anyway, when we saw the Rosses walking toward the park, holding hands as they were often doing.
     Mr Ross looked into the park- suspiciously - as if he were afraid a  hit- man were  hiding somewhere .  There  for a moment I thought he could possibly smell our smoke.,but seemingly satisfied with his inspection, the two of them strolled -hand in hand - across the grass to the playground area where the spring horses , the merry-go-round and swings were.  Mrs Ross perched herself on the rubber - sling like - seat of a swing as Mr Ross pushed to get her started and then he climbed aboard the one to her left .  Using  that see-saw motion one uses to get himself going and then the two of them sat there -swinging and laughing together -for almost an hour.   Sometimes we could hear Mr. Ross go varoooom varoooom and Mrs. Ross would go wheeeeee. It  was the funniest thing that I've ever seen and the three of us sat there making jokes and laughing at them.   Three 23 year old wasted wastrels thinking that laughing at this spectacle was the right thing to do . Then a little while later , as a melancholy wave washed over us like a sea tide , we all stopped laughing.  All three of us -I believe - realized that jealousy is a hard pill to swallow while you're laughing . Looking back at that now I'm a  little  ashamed of myself.  So yeah, the Rosses were secret swingers , but you would never know it by looking at them--- (Oh!  You thought I meant the other kind of swingers. didn't you ? )   -anyway ; where was I ?- Oh  yeah .-     I believe they were sort of embarrassed about the whole thing so I've never said a word  to anyone  about what I saw -until now.  
     Then there is old man George (call me GL ) Angleton and his wife Sarah.   Theirs was the big grey, split -level rock and cedar  house that  dominates the very end of the cul-de-sac we live on called Grayson circle . An enormous porch dominates the front and that is the first thing anyone  - turning onto Grayson Circle- sees after making the turn.   The Angeltons house was always the most decorated house on the block , no matter the holiday,  especially at Christmas- when a raucous mix a snowmen, reindeer and especially Santa's, gathered under the thousands of twinkling lights each year.    There were so many Santas on the lawn, on the roof ,along the porch , one climbing the chimney   that- I always thought - it  looked  like the gathering together of Santa's for a Santa gang fight.
   Halloween was another special time with the Angeltons when they gave out more -kinds and just plain more -candy to all the kids than anyone else for blocks  around or even miles around. One year Mr. Angleton gave a comic books along with the candy to every kid  that  came to the door.
    So who could have ever imagined that just 6 months ago ,  2 days before Christmas , Mr Angleton , who was always of sweet disposition  and always quick to give you a warm smile or a compassionate pat on the shoulder would shoot and **** his wife Sarah and then turn the gun on himself ?  NOBODY!!!
   Certainly not me.
   No, you cannot just see the outside of a house, with the flocks of flowers , the nice neat lawn  and charming old rocking chairs on the porch and really know anything about the heights of happiness or  the depths of despair that live or die behind the front doors .
    When I was growing up , you sure couldn't have done any of that at my house. Looking back now I realize that G.L .didn't put out any decorations last Christmas .
        I should have noticed that.     Yeah , I really should have noticed that!
Nat Lipstadt Dec 2013
Shouldn't we all be studying?

dedicated to M M Jones from Montana,
where I guess big skies make people think
about big questions and young poets thrive.



the butterflies of child-awakening
to the certainty
that school and
shame and embarrassment
were only minutes away,
once again,
is as fresh as
the flowers my love
buys every Friday,
fifty plus year later.

I would awake,
climb into bed with my mother,
telling her I did not feel well,
that my
stomach felt gray.  

I could not tell her that
the mocking I received by
my richer classmates at the
multiple lines in the fabric
of my corduroy pants
where she let my pants down
made me cannon fodder
for what we call now
bullying.

I could not tell her
of the heartbreak
when somehow the parents
of my supposed suburban friends
forgot to
pick me up for the weekly swim,
leaving me to watch
the sunset fall as I sat
on the stoop of our old house,
tucked away in an out of the way,
unfashionable street,
the shame still wet.

I could not tell her
of how two bothers tortured me
as I sat in the back seat
of their station wagon,
spitting seeds
on me like curses.  

Their older brother died of cancer
when that was still unusual,
and the mother wrote
a beautiful book
about his life.

I still hate them, those two,
fifty years later and it gives me
unusually great pleasure to
announce it to the world.

So I studied.  

Not my schoolbooks,
but lovely and ***** literature.
Friday afternoons, three children,
me the baby brother,
(anonymous, for they nicknamed me
brother as if  I was nothing but
checked off category)
to the library went.

Five, five was the max
they the austere librarians
and their coda of holy silence,
would let me withdraw.
(god I can see my library card still).  

By Friday night,
I had finished one or two,
ruining my eyes in
the lousy lamp light
in the living room,
falling asleep on the couch.  

this, reading addiction,
which afflicted the entire family,
I did well into my teens.

I have stopped reading
which amazes the very few
who know and care.

do let us re-pose,
let us repose,
the question:

Shouldn't we all be studying?

the answer of course is
yes and no.

my studying blue period
is long since ended.
now, my biographer,
will call this my red period.

for red are the memories that my remembrances
come back to me.
crystal is the clarity
of the indignities
I recall, though red,
is the anger
at the shame and
abuse I took.

now I can write what I have always held in my heart.  

those two awful brothers,
who loved to torture me,
I was glad their
wonderful brother died.

so this is my red writing period,
when the studying of a kind,
has long since ended
but the smell,
the memory of
fresh textbooks still can
make me nauseous.

Yet, I still study life around me,
as I clean countertops,
walk deserted beach isles
in early September...
this studying,
is the product of years
of studying the inside out
of me, and turning that study
fruitful into poetry.

why?
why am I writing this at 2:00 am on a Sunday morning?

I did not pose the question.

but it posed me,
and the dialogue in my mind came
sugarcane fresh and tumbling out
and will be both
recorded and recoded
("in the truth will out eventually" file)
after a fashion.

these days I sometimes study
my older poems,
whose titles I recognize,
but whose content
I cannot recall.  

so double digit delight
when I
meet again old words,
wondrous and trite,
that make believe
that all my studying
somehow paid off after all.
When I stumble on a young poet on this site, whose poems delight me, I will bring them to your attention. When you discovered me,  they forgot to tell you about this bonus feature, I guess.
Alan McClure Jan 2012
Well now, I used to teach.
I mean, I still do, but it's only for their benefit now, isn't it?
It's like the doctors and the greengrocers
and the streetsweepers and librarians,
still going through the motions
while they take recordings and what have you.
I guess we should be glad
that they're interested in the way we lived,
you know,
before they arrived.
But my kids, you know,
they're all actors.
They might learn the odd piece
of arcane knowledge
but I can tell they know
they don't need it.

No, no, I'm no rebel
I don't want any trouble.
Things are better since they arrived,
of course they are.
I mean, their technology -
we couldn't have come up with that
in a million years.
And they're very polite.
I have a colleague who says
this is because they feel guilty about their success,
but I don't know about that.
Things were bad for a while,
but I guess maybe that was our fault.
We didn't know how to react.
We adjusted poorly.
It's hard to accept that you're, you know,
obsolete.

Even me, you know.
For a while there I was,
well,
I was drinking a little too much.
It was hard, seeing the school destroyed.
They've done a good job
with the facsimile though.
even smells the same.

Yup,
can't complain.
Can't complain.
fighting bees Mar 2014
There is a boy in the library, ignoring the crazy lady talking through the window.
I feel like telling him she is nice. And probably not half as crazy as the librarians in this town. She has 2 children. They live in Greece. And when she cries, her dogs hide under the deck.
But he probably doesn't speak English.
Hardly any of these people sitting on their backpacks at the library do. And even if he did, he wouldn't listen.
He is reading. Its a good book. I know its a good book. I've read it. Now I feeling like telling him to leave.
He should not read it here, underneath the colour wallpaper. He needs to find a corner of a beach, so he doesn't have to cry in public. And he has to cry, because if he doesn't, I know the crying will happen inside. And his eyes will turn a shade darker with the smoke of their deaths, and his muscles will strain to rip from his ridiculously alive tendons. His eyes are already black, and I do not think he can afford to find more darkness.
Not that I would know.
He might pick cherries for a living and flirt with a trailer park attendant called Fiona is his spare time.
But I have a smell for the scared and enclosed people here. I can see the kracken hunters and the faerie kissers. They show themselves to me accidentally and I turn watch them destroy their dreams.
People ask me why I am cold all the time. They do not understand, because the boy at the library closed the book before he could cry and I knew he would be destroyed anyway
He is wearing gym shorts and she is a ten.
My god, a shimmering exemplar
in a new breed of **** librarians and
he is wearing gym shorts.
If you must roll off your front porch
into the world
do so with some self respect.
If you must work out
you probably aren't playing hard enough,
with a slight chance at
this being a projection
of my horrible personality
stained by the dregs in my
solitude's electric feedback.
I have an irrepressible drive
to archive knowledge,
A data addiction.

I'm fulfilling it right now
by writing this.
"I can't get no sleep",
My interminable drive to score
until I win.

Yeah, that's the way librarians binge.
Quote:
-Line Five from Insomnia by DJ Tiesto
Phil Lindsey Mar 2015
My Brothers and Sister and Me
We all share the same genes
Though some hide it better than others.
Similarities And Differences are pronounced.
The apples don’t fall far from the tree
Though a couple of them bounced.

Apples baked into pies or
Thrown to the horses
Rotten and brown and wormy and
Delicious apple cider in the Fall.
Applesauce and apple butter and Appleton, Wisconsin
Looking for a job?  Applications for them all.

Mountains, and mountains of books
Rivers, and streams of numbers
Hiking and running through canyons
Flowers and gardens and mushrooms and parks.
Shooting pheasants in the fields
Shooting stars in the dark.

Time will tell.  Time will tell
Mom’s in Heaven, Dad’s in his own Hell.
Whose footsteps will you follow?
What size boots do you own?
Who most will you resemble?
When your own kids are grown.

We are laughing.  We are laughing.
We are librarians and teachers
And accountants and staff and lumbermen always.
And still we all laugh.  
“Thought one of you’d be a preacher.”
“Good money in that.”

Each generation’s gaps grow wider
As the trees grow taller the apples fall farther
Similarities and Differences well-defined
Still laughing. Still laughing at things
New genes swimming in the family pool
Some of the cousins can sing!!
PwL March, 2015
AavelinaJaden May 2014
Her name was petunia
She had hair the color of twilight settling after a hurricane and irises darker than the moon
Her smile was the crescent that the stars sung for
her fingers as dainty as China ware on the finest plates
Shy as werewolves howling for comfort
and brave as the wind dusting the horizon
She never did understand why her mother named her after something as petite as a flower
She couldn't understand her own beauty

Daisy; nose as freckled as the beach is sandy
Wrists as worn as the pages of a librarians favorite book
Sundays sunny as the sunflowers she wore on her church dress
inconspicuous was the boy she held hands with under the pews
Hated her parents for her wretched name
she murmured between kisses with the preachers son
the devil himself wasn't a flower, but a ****
Took her life the day he was baptized
A flowers life is not the life for me, said daisy

Rose
The beautiful of the most
with red lies that'd set your heart to flames
She'd burn down every field
and ***** every finger of those who kissed her lips
Ivory skin of leaves so green
envious of those who weren't picked,  and pitied, and deprived of their innocence and privacy
Just because fate handed her the life of lust and friends of petunias and Daisy's who never made the cut
Andrew Klein Sep 2010
My college instituted a new policy today.
In an effort to promote solidarity,
All students, professors, service workers,
Janitors, coaches, board members,
Dining hall workers, librarians, baristas,
Gardeners and printers
Are required to mark their foreheads,
A sort of branding if you will,
With permanent marker.
This is retroactive immediately.
I had thought I had seen it all within week one:
Lions, GPAs, phone numbers concealed by long
bangs
Personality traits, four letter words, names of
significant others
The very same that were crossed out as the bottom
fell out,
Rocket ships,
Or what I'm assuming were rocket ships,
Advertisements, slogans, “taken”.
I also saw bar codes
And statistics
And long, non-terminating sequences.
I looked at myself in the mirror
And saw that I had not yet marked my forehead.
I pulled out a sharpie
And upon my face
Highlighted my wrinkles.
Because, who isn't tired of being a cog in the machine?
And who doesn't worry about life otherwise?
In an effort to protect the identity of my college and whereabouts, this poem has been edited to be more generic.  I hope, however, that you enjoy it.
JM Romig Apr 5
When they let us back into the building
two days later,
it felt like visiting the library of Pompeii.
our world, frozen in a single
unthinkable moment

We all did it
Silently, and instinctively,
we recapped the borrowed pens,
recycled the scrap paper
and reshelved the stray novels
abandoned by our fleeing patrons

We dusted off tables
We checked the bookdrops
We scanned the public spaces
cross-referenced our gut reactions
with a checklist of trauma responses

We took note of the missing books
by the doors, where the blood was -
absence, often the most visible
evidence of tragedy
We took deep breaths
We pushed in chairs

We ******* loose ends
on our plans for next month
We sent emails to tell folks
their classes were cancelled for the week
We gathered
listened and talked
We comforted one another

We went on doing all the small,
important, invisible work we do -
through our grief,
through our fear,
through our trauma

- for the people
I wrote this piece in the aftermath of a shooting at my place of work.
Tearani C Oct 2013
If we were two books who happened to cross covers
Or over lap tittles,
In a momentary lack of structure
You would find us stacked back to back
As unlikely as a tragedy with star struck lovers..
Happened upon the other
in a library archiving
Written word and lives, and eons worth of soft
Text typed,

I would be a book of Russian poems
Roughly speaking of beautiful things,
With a bare textured cover, a soft sea foam green.
And you would be lost in the meaning,
In the reflections of your wealth
I would give you all the answers you hide inside your self,

You would be of another breed,
Your italic headings speaking of vastly different things,
You would show a thousand places I wish to know,
With a hundred hand drawn maps
Filled to the indentation with
realities greater than my own imagination
with pictures
That capture you, whisper liberation,
You would be the inspiration every trapped
lower class individual looks upon while dreaming up
Vacation homes.
You are the window to the places everyone
Everyone wants to know
Your pages crisp but warm, smelling of vanilla
Not a single scuff, crease, you are not torn.
A soft Carmel brown cover where
A hundred careful fingers hover.

You are probably thinking we don’t belong together.
Not in a library alphabetized and
Split into sections,
Good thing great librarians
Know better, she
Stole us and set us together in her own
Private collection.
There is no where I fit better than
Next to you, pressed cover to cover,
we are becoming  a story of
unlikely lovers,
We are best friends,
Penned from different ink
Speaking different themes
meeting
Resting between book ends designed
Out of clever minds set out to
To fuzz the line between actuality
And your aspiration,
We are just the perfect combination of
Drive and a dream,
The fact you are here means something
And the more I read the more it seems
Together we'll achieve great things.
kain Sep 2019
Will you fall in love
With the contents
Of my pages
I'll ask if they want to go to the library with me.
Tommy Johnson Mar 2015
The Mecca is the trifecta of the vertex of the epicenter of the apex
But we just use that as a reference point
We refused to be swayed by centripetal force
And peeled back the layers of the mind to find the inertia that had given us the centrifugal force to push us in our quest to find the ultimate reality

I saw a vandal giving in to voyeurism
When a watershed moment happened

He had a sudden premonition
There were nervous virgins about to take the plunge
There were people giving hi 5's to each other and making pinky promises they swore to keep
There were poor soul's trying to quit cold turkey
Eating molten ****** cakes

I looked to the East and visions came to me as well
I saw kids having fever dreams of pitching fits and fever pitches
I saw liberated lesbian librarians eating their feelings and playing
"**** one, **** one, marry one"
I saw the extinction of guilty pleasures
I saw a man being caught up in getting up to speed with
I trifling teenagers
Low on money but high off drugs
I saw myself checking in to check up on the check out line to pick out and pick up a new catcher's mitt
I caught a case
A call
And a cold

I saw the love of my life running towards me on a soft white beach
As she came closer I could see her beginning to decay
Her skin melted
Her organs and blood fell from her
Her eyes and teeth dropped out of her head
Her hair fell out
And her skeleton came into my arms and I heard a whisper
"I will always be with you, my uncrowned king"
M Clement Feb 2013
Art work in pencil
Peach shadows on the outline of everything
Jaw lines, good times
Trees in the park
Dinosaur tracks and Fedex Fax

Librarians don't do their job

I was talking about shadows
Then my mind was robbed
Sharing is caring
Nat Lipstadt Feb 2016
together, more than a century
it occurs to his fresh coffee'd brain,
as he,
sliding in behind, half-assedly,
as in half in/half off the bed,
but the rest, the best, nestled, ensconced,
in a serpentine curvature connected

smiling too loudly,
titter~muffled giggle
at the passing by, a funny bone notion,
that combined, conjoined,
together, more than a century,
well, and well more, than that,
a depository of collections, nuances,
cross filed, so that our recollected told tales,
have been all heard before and will again
be retold with a swelling newness
to newborn readers,
checking out the classics

the roar of my suppressed soundings,
clearly too louding,
sleepy hoarse asks
the inevitable "what's the chuckle,"
so accustomed she be to my,
unexpected laughs expectorated,
menagerie of multiplicity of muckled
roars and guffaws, tee hee's,
she will n'ere be satisfied
with a non-answer,,
with a wiley evasion to
her invasion of my innermost

"occurs to me we are a very historical
(never employing that olden adjective)

library,

two cuddling librarians,
who are compelled
to our shelves,
to add a new book daily"

she laughs and kindly requests,
my immediate departure,
for having caused her by
mine awoking and
her evoking
laugh,
to be kicked out of the
library
for excessive noise making

not the first time,
and not the last,
he laughs,
uproariously,
in the deepest of his innermost,
hidden in the silent stacks of their library,
in a demilitarized zone,
neath two pillows soft by,
lest he be shushed vociferously,
by his once again, softly sleeping,
co-conspirator
librarian
7:25 am
28-2-2016
nyc
Be sure about yourself
In hell it’s all for nothing
Get lost and come back in the morning.

Be sure there’s no ring in the morning
Who can I tell my history
Probably who “I do” in the wedding;
please she my one time wonder
No blinding in my loving.
It’s the real deal, count my loving.

My boundaries are more what my companions’ thinking,
Shes feeling guiltys’ thought process
He said let us cross our eternal boundaries.

All pure thought corrupt
Well ****
Can I get a clean state
from the paper bag test we slip.
Time in coming,
whip still relevant coming soon uh.
Nat Lipstadt Sep 2017
this debt, this book, this tort,
so overdue, uncivil wrong demanding reconciliation,
that the librarians sent the hoodlums
to remind me of my obligations

there must be unfinished, three or four Gebbie precursors,
lying about awaiting further final definition
unmarshaled me, unable to see them through to completion,
but my hindsight, my guilty plea, aided by an assertive,
rear self-kicking, offers me some motivation immediacy

When I see the Auckland Sky Center in photos,
a hard hatted man with softest heart always,
is on top, doing his native Aussie global
(in place) walkabout, better to see,
the cubature volume of the global poetry underneath his feet,
the poetic underworld, needing a
Gebbie supervisory drilling read down

Enough!

unsatisfactory above this ditty notation for one who
tenders unto me comforting words that
drill down so deeply, keeping,

"the night shall not disrobe you,"

that only a single rhyming word
is satisfactory but yet too,
is insufficient to capture
the audio of innards weeping

surely aware, the nighttime, is when I best my own analytics,
disrobing in a room of black letters on a white background
for all who stumble by moonlight on the bards of "perchance,^"
giving pieces of me to the those who not only read my verses,
but those who ken
that the unspoken spaces in between,
containers of what is not writ,
but only modestly well hid,
is where lies oft the more important script

and he gets that...

where the skills when most needed?
his precision will deserves artistry, not sophistry,
and I am flailing, failing inadequately to pay my overdue

it is early morn in Taranaki,
perhaps he will see this lackey's lacking insufficiency,
before he goes climbing man-made towers
that bear witness
to mens bigger dreams,

perhaps when he returns later tonight,
in a snifter of old malt scotch,
his "last one for the road"
he will see it floating,
and think of me,
this time, happily,
disrobing mine soul's own nighttime,
trusting him to keep all safe,
entrusting it to him,
and to Janet,
my best,
red and black,
sweetest dreams

<>
https://hellopoetry.com/marshal-gebbie/

9/5/17 13:55pm
many learn lessons that schools cannot teach
where ego meets danger and unknowns beseech
perhaps there is nothing and everyone’s clean
or maybe there’s something that’s going unseen
from teachers who cheat to admins who steal
no dose of prestige can save lives that are real

the crossing guard owns twenty cats with the mange
school cop clipped his brother while out on the range
a history teacher abusing his kids
librarians selling school books to high bids
the crew in the arts are all in on a coup
while the principal staff launders money for *****

hey, i’m just here to sweep up and i call what i see
other folks won’t speak up but a few will agree
i don’t do that no more, i’m out five years last june
they’ll be following suit lest they change their act soon
still no one here dares to expose what’s involved
in keeping the peace held among these halls
couplet for those just trying to get by

for peace in solidarity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojleMU9rZ4k
MereCat Jun 2015
he weeps in that subtle way
whereby the crumbs of grief
shaken from his eyelids
are caught by his thumbs
and his head shakes
like a kite chewed by a tree
he's all trembles and tremors
and he quakes
like his body breaks
when tectonic plates collide
he surveys the carpet and the shoelaces
the way that all librarians know their places
the books return to their stands and their spaces and
he keeps his fear in the crook of his tongue
and eyes hook him like bait
that's there for the taking
he pulls with veined hands
at the ashen strands of his afro
they've seen more years evaporate
than they've seen tears
because his eyes and sacked and
the corners of his cornered collar
escape his clasp as he cracks
among the shelves
like dropped eggs
and window panes
and dancers' legs
and weather vanes spun too hard
he gets a should touch like
a stroke through the wire of a rabbit hutch
and he sits beside closed ears
that pretend to listen to the clutch of his fingers
on his forehead

he leaves and they rearrange the chairs
remove the water glass
and erase the marks
of where his heart has passed
Exam study leave means that I was in the library this morning and I was upstairs looking down the stairwell at the help desk below and I saw this.
brooke Jul 2014
she likes older men
because Ty said boys
like *****, and he tells
me that librarians are
**** when I say I have
a full bookcase at
home, when he
says he doesn't
read, when he
ditches me on
July 4th to
get drunk
prays before
his meals but
says that he
would ****
my friends
if I broke
his heart.
(c) Brooke Otto 2014
Gatekeepers
Guarding
The access
To knowledge
And some
Greater evils
We had to abolish
James Tee Oct 2015
I like walking to see the man.

When the trees are stiff

and the clouds are glowing,

i take the high road up

to where creeks are flowing.

To where panthers sing, in

the darkest nights, to where shadows

are pythons and liken bites

when i can i see the man

i feel something inside me

bland, but beautiful,

second hand,

like a magic spell

in possum land, goannas

lizards, private lynx,

and kissen wizards

hybrid shrinks

when iv got a problem,

or my eye lid kinks

i follow the road

up to the skyward links.

Theres three roads,

once you arrive there well

theres one that will take

you up a plywood cell

and in this you scream

“take me to the dream

mr Pirolell!”

And if he hears you

in time youl smell

a clear blue gel, or feel a tear brew.

Well that is a bridge to enter your dreams.



The next road, the second, leads to

a humble abode with a pleasant

decadent essence. Inside this are

creatures that are big and

small, hairy and airy

ones, some are fairies holden

up librarians with scary guns

some are twisted toads with

bowed blisted noads

living life in a dark pit

solarium.

You must confront these

creatures to reach

the immortal bays

of the Pirolell beaches.

And here you will

be taught by the teacher

of teachers.

And that is the man i

walk to see.



The third road

you must tame an

insane hawk to walk

to the magic chalk board.

The bird is wanting to

**** those that wish

to write with the sword or quill, in spite

of it guarding its lord that is still.

If you can tame the hawk

than what ever you question

on the board with chalk will speak aloud

proud monstrous way,

and will discover all that is heavenly.

And youl realise that the man is fantasy.
probably not poetic but thought id post it.
Callum McKean Nov 2014
Corn syrup! on blue table-wood!
The librarians
kick you out, right after
you get it,
the heart monitor high that comes
from so much well-spent sugar.
AD ASTRA  

by

TOD HOWARD HAWKS


Chapter 1

I am Tod Howard Hawks. I was born on May 14, 1944 in Dallas, Texas. My father, Doral, was stationed there. My mother, Antoinette, was with him. When WWII ended, the family, which included my sister, Rae, returned home to Topeka, Kansas.

My father grew up in Oakland, known as the part of Topeka where poor white people lived. His father was a trolley-car conductor and a barber. Uneducated, he would allow only school books into his house. My father, the oldest of six children, had two paper routes--the morning one and the evening one. My father was extremely bright and determined. On his evening route, a wise, kind man had his own library and befriended my father. He loaned my father books that my father stuffed into his bag along with the newspapers. My father and his three brothers shared a single bed together, not vertically, but horizontally; and when everyone was asleep, my father would grab the book the wise and kind man had loaned him, grab a candle and matches, crawled under the bed, lit the candle, and began reading.

Now the bad and sad news:  one evening my father's father discovered his son had been smuggling these non-school books into his home. The two got into a fist-fight on the porch. Can you imagine fist-fighting your father?

A few years later, my father's father abandoned his family and moved to Atchinson. My father was the oldest of the children;  thus, he became the de facto father of the family. My father's mother wept for a day, then the next day she stopped crying and got to the Santa Fe Hospital and applied for a job. The job she got was to fill a bucket with warm, soapy water, grab a big, thick brush, get on her knees and began to brush all the floors clean. She did this for 35 years, never complained, and never cried again. To note, she had married at 15 and owned only one book, the Bible.  My father's mother remains one of my few heroes to this day.


Chapter 2

My parents had separate bedrooms. At the age of 5, I did not realize a married couple usually used one bedroom. It would be 18 years later when I would find out why my mother and my father slept in separate bedrooms.

When I was 5 and wanted to see my father, I would go to his room where he would lie on his bed and read books. My father called me "Captain." As he lay on his bed, he barked out "Hut, two, three, four! Hut, two three, four!" and I would march to his cadence through his room into the upstairs bathroom, through all the other rooms, down the long hallway, until I reentered his bedroom. No conversation, just marching.

As I grew a bit older, I asked my father one Sunday afternoon to go to Gage Park where there were several baseball diamonds. I was hoping he would pitch the ball to me and I would try to hit it. Only once during my childhood did we do this.

I attended Gage Elementary School. Darrell Chandler and I were in the same third-year class. Nobody liked Darrell because he was a bully and had a Mohawk haircut. During all recesses, our class emptied onto the playground. Members of our class regularly formed a group, except Darrell, and when Darrell ran toward the group, all members yelled and ran in different directions to avoid Darrell--everyone except me. I just turned to face Darrell and began walking slowly toward him. I don't know why I did what I did, but, in retrospect, I think I had been born that way. Finally, we were two feet away from each other. After a long pause, I said "Hi, Darrell. How ya doing?" After another long pause, Darrell said "I'm doing OK." "Good," I said. That confrontation began a friendship that lasted until I headed East my junior year in high school to attend Andover.

In fourth grade, I had three important things happen to me. The first important thing was I had one of the best teachers, Ms.Perrin, in my formal education through college.  And in her class, I found my second important  thing:  my first girlfriend, Virginia Bright (what a wonderful last name!). Every school day, we had a reading section. During this section, it became common for the student who had just finished reading to select her/his successor. Virginia and I befriended each other by beginning to choose each other. Moreover, I had a dream in which Virginia and I were sitting together on the steps of the State Capitol. When I woke up, I said to myself:  "Virginia is my girlfriend." What is more, Virginia invited me to go together every Sunday evening to her church to learn how to square dance. My father provided the transportation. This was a lot of fun. The third most important thing was on May Day, my mother cut branches from our lilac bushes and made a bouquet for me to give Virginia. My mother drove me to Virginia's home and I jumped out of our car and ran  up to her door, lay down the bouquet, rang the buzzer, then ran back to the car and took off. I was looking forward to seeing Virginia in the fall, but I found out in September that Virginia and her family had left in the summer to move to another town.

Bruce Patrick, my best friend in 4th grade, was smart. During the math section, the class was learning the multiplication tables. Ms. Perrin stood tn front of the students holding 3 x 5 inch cards with, for example, 6 x 7 shown to the class with the answer on the other side of the card. If any student knew the correct answer (42), she/he raised her/his arm straight into the air. Bruce and I raised our arms at the same time. But during the reading section, when Ms. Perrin handed out the same new book to every student and said "Begin reading," Bruce, who sat immediately to my right, and everyone else began reading the same time on page #1. As I was reading page #1, peripherally I could see he was already turning to page #2, while I was just halfway down page #1. Bruce was reading twice as fast as I was! It was 17 years later that I finally found out how and why this incongruity happened.

Another Bruce, Bruce McCollum, and I started a new game in 5th grade. When Spring's sky became dark, it was time for the game to begin. The campus of the world-renown Menninger Foundation was only a block from Bruce's and my home. Bruce and I met at our special meeting point and the game was on! Simply, our goal was for the two of us to begin our journey at the west end of the Foundation and make our way to the east end without being seen. There were, indeed, some people out for a stroll, so we had to be careful not to be seen. Often, Bruce and I would hide in the bushes to avoid detection. Occasionally, a guard would pass by, but most often we would not be seen. This game was exciting for Bruce and me, but more importantly, it would also be a harbinger for me.


Chapter 3

Mostly, I made straight-A's through grade school and junior high. I slowly began to realize it took me twice the time to finish my reading. First, though, I want to tell you about the first time I ever got scared.

Sometime in the Fifth Grade, I was upstairs at home and decided to come downstairs to watch TV in the living room. I heard voices coming from the adjacent bar, the voices of my father and my mother's father. They could not see me, nor I them;  but they were talking about me, about sending me away to Andover in ninth grade. I had never heard of a prep school, let alone the most prominent one in America. The longer I listened, the more afraid I got. I had listened too long. I turned around and ran upstairs.

My father never mentioned Andover again until I was in eighth grade. He told me next week he had to take me to Kansas City to take a test. He never told me what the test was for. Next week I spent about two hours with this man who posed a lot of questions to me and I answered them as well as I could. Several weeks after having taken those tests, my father pulled me aside and showed me only the last sentence of the letter he had received. The last sentence read:  "Who's pushing this boy?" My father should have known the answer. I certainly thought I knew, but said nothing.

During mid-winter, my father drove with me to see one of his Dallas naval  buddies. After a lovely dinner at my father's friend's home, we gathered in a large, comfortable room to chat, and out of nowhere, my father said, "Tod will be attending Andover next Fall." What?, I thought. I had not heard the word "Andover" since that clandestine conversation between my father and my grandfather when I was in Fifth Grade. I remember filling out no application to Andover. What the hell was going on?, I thought.

(It is at this juncture that I feel it is necessary to share with you pivotal information that changed my life forever. I did not find it out until I was 27.

(Every grade school year, my two sisters and I had an annual eye exam. During my exam, the doctor always said, "Tod, tell me when the ball [seen with my left eye] and the vertical line [seen with my right eye] meet." I'd told the doctor every year they did not meet and every year the doctor did not react. He said nothing. He just moved onto the next part of the exam. His non-response was tantamount to malpractice.

(When I was 27, I had coffee with my friend, Michelle, who had recently become a psychologist at Menninger's. She had just attended a workshop in Tulsa, OK with a nationally renown eye doctor who specialized in the eye dysfunction called "monocular vision." For 20 minutes or so, she spoke enthusiastically about what the doctor had shared with the antendees about monocular vision until I could not wait any longer:  "Michelle, you are talking about me!" I then explained all the symptoms of monocular vision I had had to deal without never knowing what was causing them:  4th grade and Bruce Patrick;  taking an IQ test in Kansas City and my father never telling me what the test was or for;  taking the PSAT twice and doing well on both except the reading sections on each;  my father sending me to Andover summer school twice (1959 and 1960) and doing well both summers thus being accepted for admission for Upper-Middler and Senior years without having to take the PSAT.

(Hearing what I told Michelle, she did not hesitate in telling me immediately to call the doctor in Tulsa and making an appointment to go see him, which I did. The doctor gave me three hours of tests. After the last one, the doctor hesitated and then said to me:  "Tod, I am surprised you can even read a book, let alone get through college." I sat there stunned.

(In retrospect, I feel my father was unconsciously trying to realize vicariously his dreams through me. In turn, I unconsciously and desperately wanted to garner his affection;  therefore, I was unconsciously my father's "good little boy" for the first 22 years of my life. Had I never entered therapy at Menningers, I never would have realized my real self, my greatest achievement.)


Chapter 4

My father had me apply to Andover in 8th grade to attend in 9th grade, but nobody knew then I suffered from monocular vision;  hence, my reading score eye was abysmal and I was not accepted. Without even asking me whether I would like to attend Andover summer school, my father had me apply regardless. My father had me take a three-day Greyhound bus ride from Topeka to Boston where I took a cab to Andover.

Andover (formally Phillips Academy, which is located in the town of Andover, Massachusetts) is the oldest prep school in America founded in 1778, two years after our nation was. George Washington's nephew sent his sons there. Paul Revere made the school's seal. George H. W. Bush and his son, George, a schoolmate of mine, (I voted for neither) went to Andover. The current admit rate is 13 out of every 100 applicants. Andover's campus is beautiful. It's endowment is 1.4 billion dollars. Andover now has a need-blind admission policy.

The first summer session I attended was academically rigorous and eight weeks long. I took four courses, two in English and two in math. One teacher was Alan Gillingham, who had his PhD from Oxford. He was not only brilliant, but also kind. My fondness for etymology I got from Dr. Gillingham. Also, he told me one day as we walked toward the Commons to eat lunch that I could do the work there. I will never forget what he told me.

I'm 80, but I still remember how elated I was after my last exam that summer. I flew down the steps of Samuel Phillips Hall and ran to the Andover Inn where my parents were staying. Finally, I thought, it's over. I'm going back to Topeka where my friends lived. Roosevelt Junior High School, here I come! We drove to Topeka, going through New York City, Gettysburg, Springfield, IL, Hannibal, MO, among other places. I was so happy to be home!

9th ninth grade at Roosevelt Jr. High was great! Our football team had a winning season. Ralph Sandmeyer, a good friend of mine, and I were elected co-captains. Our basketball team won the city junior high championship. John Grantham, the star of the team, and I were elected co-captains. And I had been elected by the whole school to be President of the Student Council.
But most importantly, I remember the Snow Ball, once held every year in winter for all ninth-graders. The dance was held in the gym on the basketball court. The evening of the dance, the group of girls stood in one corner, the boys in another, and in the third corner stood Patty all alone, ostracized, as she had always been every school day of each year.

I was standing in the boys group when I heard the music began to play on the intercom, then looked at Patty. Without thinking, I bolted from the boys group and began walking slowly toward her. No one else had begun to dance. When I was a few feet in front of her, I said, "Patty, would you like to dance?" She paused a moment, then said, "Yes." I then took her hand and escorted her to the center of the court. No one else had begun to dance. Patty and I began dancing. When the music ended, I said to Patty, "Would you like to dance again?" Again, she said, "Yes." Still no one but the two of us were dancing. We danced and danced. When the music was over, I took Patty's hand and escorted her back to where she had been standing alone. I said to her, "Thank you, Patty, for dancing with me." As I walked back across the court, I was saying silently to the rest of the class, "No one deserves to be treated this way, no one."

Without a discussion being had, my father had me again apply to Andover. I guess I was too scared to say anything. Once again, I took the PSAT Exam. Once again, I scored abysmally on the English section.  Once again, I was rejected by Andover. And once again, my father had me return to Andover summer school.

Another 8 weeks of academics. Once again, I did well, but once again, I had to spend twice the time reading. Was it just I who realized again that if I could take twice the time reading, I would score well on the written test? Summer was over. My father came to take me home, but first he wanted to speak to the Dean of Admissions. My father introduced himself. Then I said, "I'm Tod Hawks," at which point the Dean of Admissions said enthusiastically:  "You're already in!" The Dean meant I had already been accepted for the Upper-Year, probably because he had noticed how well I had done the past two summers. I just stood there in silence, though I did shake his hand. Not another application, not another PSAT. I was in.

Chapter 5

Terry Modlin, a friend of mine at Roosevelt, had called me one Sunday afternoon the previous Spring. "Tod," he said, "would you like to run for President of the Sophomore Class at Topeka High if I ran as your running mate?" I thought it over, then said to Terry, "Sure."

There were eight junior high schools in Topeka, and in the fall all graduates of all the junior highs attended Topeka High, making more than 800 new sophomores. All elections occurred in early fall. I had two formidable opponents. Both were highly regarded. I won, becoming president. Terry won and became vice-president. Looking back on my life, I consider this victory to be one of my most satisfying victories. Why do I say this? I do, because when you have 800 classmates deciding which one to vote for, word travels fast. If it gets out one of the candidates has a "blemish" on him, that insinuation is difficult to diminish, let alone erase, especially non-verbally. Whether dark or bright, it can make the deciding difference.

Joel Lawson and his girlfriend spoke to me one day early in the semester. They mentioned a friend of theirs, a 9th grader at Capper Junior High whose name was Sherry. The two thought I might be interested in meeting her, on a blind date, perhaps. I said, "Why not?"

The first date Sherry and I had was a "hay-rack" ride. She was absolutely beautiful. I was 15 at that time, she 14. When the "hay-rack" ride stopped, everybody got off the wagon and stood around a big camp fire. I sensed Sherry was getting cold, so I asked if she might like me to take off my leather jacket and put it over her shoulders. That was when I fell in love with her.

I dated Sherry almost my entire sophomore year. We went to see movies and go to some parties and dances, but generally my mother drove me most every Friday evening to Sherry's home and chatted with her mother for a while, then Sherry and I alone watched "The Twilight Zone." As it got later, we made out (hugs and kisses, nothing more). My mother picked me up no later than 11. Before going over to Sherry's Friday night, I sang in the shower Paul Anka's PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER.

I got A's in most of my classes, and lettered on Topeka High's varsity swim team.

Then in late spring word got out that Tod would be attending some prep school back East next year. I walked into Pizza Hut and saw my friend, John.
"Hey, Tod. I saw Sherry at the drive-in movie, but she wasn't with you." My heart was broken. I drove over to her home the next day and confronted her. She just turned her back to me and wouldn't say a thing. I spent the following month driving from home to town down and back listening to Brenda Lee on the car radio singing I'M SORRY, pretending it was Sherry singing it to me.

I learned something new about beauty. For a woman to be authentically beautiful, both her exterior and interior must be beautiful. Sherry had one, but not the other. It was a most painful lesson for me to learn.

Topeka High started their fall semester early in September. I remember standing alone on the golf course as a dark cloud filled my mind when I looked in the direction of where Topeka High was. I was deeply sad. I had lost my girlfriend. I was losing many of my friends. Most everyone to whom I spoke didn't know a **** thing about Andover. My mind knew about Andover. That's why it was growing dark.


Chapter 6

I worked my *** off for two more years. Frankly, I did not like Andover. There were no girls. I used to lie on my bed and slowly look through the New York Times Magazine gazing at the pretty models in the ads. I hadn't even begun to *******. When I wasn't sleeping, when I wasn't in a class, when I wasn't eating at the Commons, I was in the Oliver Wendell Holmes Library reading twice as long as my classmates. And I lived like this for two years. In a word, I was deeply depressed. When I did graduate, I made a silent and solemn promise that I would never set foot again on Andover's campus during my life.

During my six years of receiving the best formal education in the world, I got three (3) letters from my father with the word "love" typed three times. He signed "Dad" three times.

Attending Columbia was one of the best things I have ever experienced in my life. The Core Curriculum and New York City (a world within a city). I majored in American history. The competition was rigorous.  I met the best friends of my life. I'm 80 now, but Herb Hochman and Bill Roach remain my best friends.

Wonderful things happened to me. At the end of my freshman year, I was one of 15 out of 700 chosen to be a member of the Blue Key Society. That same Spring, I appeared in Esquire Magazine to model clothes. I read, slowly, a ton of books. At the end of my Junior year, I was chosen to be Head of Freshman Orientation in the coming Fall. I was "tapped" by both Nacoms and Sachems, both Senior societies, and chose the first, again one of 15 out of 700. My greatest honor was being elected by my classmates to be one of 15 Class Marshals to lead the graduation procession. I got what I believe was the best liberal arts education in the world.

My father had more dreams for me. He wanted me to attend law school, then get a MBA degree, then work on Wall Street, and then become exceedingly rich. I attended law school, but about mid-way into the first semester, I began having trouble sleeping, which only got worse until I couldn't sleep at all. At 5:30 Saturday morning (Topeka time), two days before finals were to begin, I called my mother and father and, for the first time, told them about my sleeping problems. We talked for several minutes during which I told them I was going to go to the Holiday Inn to try to get some sleep, then hung up. I did go to the motel, but couldn't sleep. At 11a.m., there was someone knocking on my door. I got out of bed and opened the door. There stood my father. He had flown to Chicago via Kansas City. He came into my room and the first thing he said was "Take your finals!" I knew if I took my finals, I would flunk all of them. When you can't sleep for several days, you probably can't function very well. When you increasingly have trouble getting to sleep, then simply you can't sleep at all, you are sick. My father kept saying, "Take your finals! "Take your finals!" He took me to a chicropractor. I didn't have any idea why I couldn't sleep at all, but a chicropractor?, I thought. My father left early that evening. By then, I knew what I was going to do. Monday morning, I was going to walk with my classmates across campus, but not to the building where exams were given, but to the building where the Dean had his office. I entered that building, walked up one flight of stairs, and walked into the Dean's office. The Dean was surprised to see me, but was cordial nonetheless. I introduced myself. The Dean said, "Please, have a seat." I did. Then I explained why I came to see him. "Dean, I have decided to attend Officers Candidate School, either the Navy or Air Force. (The Vietnam War was heating up.) The Dean, not surprisingly, was surprised. He said it would be a good idea for me to take my finals, so when my military duties were over, it would be easy for me to be accepted again. I said he was probably right, but I was resolute about getting my military service over first.
He wished me well and thanked him for his time, then left his office. As I returned to my dorm, I was elated. I did think the pressure would be off me  now and I would begin to sleep again.

Wednesday, I took the train to Topeka. That evening, my father was at the station to pick me up. He didn't say "Hello." He didn't say "How are you?"
He didn't say a word to me. He didn't say a single word to me all the way home.

Within two weeks, having gotten some sleep every night, I took first the Air Force test, which was six hours long, then a few days later, I took the Navy test, which was only an hour longer, but the more difficult of the two. I passed both. The Air Force recruiter told me my score was the highest ever at his recruiting station. The recruiter told me the Air Force wanted me to get a master's degree to become an aeronautical engineer.  He told me I would start school in September.  The Navy said I didn't have to report to Candidate School until September as well. It was now January, 1967. That meant I had eight months before I had to report to either service, but I soon decided on the Navy. Wow!, I thought. I have eight whole months for my sleeping problem to dissipate completely. Wow! That's what I thought, but I was wrong.


Chapter 7

After another week or so, my sleeping problems reappeared. As they reappeared, they grew worse. My father grew increasingly distant from me. One evening in mid-March, I decided to try to talk to my father. After dinner, my father always went into the living room to read the evening paper. I went into the living room, saw my father reading the evening paper in a stuffed chair, positioned myself directly in front of him, then dropped to my knees.
He held the paper wide-open so he could not see me, nor I he. Then I said to my father, "Dad, I'm sick." His wide-open paper didn't even quiver. He said, "If you're sick, go to the State Hospital." This man, my father, the same person who willingly spent a small fortune so I would receive the best education in the world, wouldn't even look at me. The world-famous Menninger Clinic, ironically, was a single block from our home, but he didn't even speak to me about getting help at Menninger's, the best psychiatric hospital in the world. This man, my father, I no longer knew.

About two weeks later in the early afternoon, I sat in another stuffed chair in the living room sobbing. My mother always took an afternoon nap in the afternoon, but on this afternoon as I continued to cry profusely, my mother stepped into the living room and saw me in the stuffed chair bawling non-stop, then immediately disappeared. About 15 minutes later, Dr. Cotter Hirschberg, the Associate Director of Southard School, Menninger's hospital for children, was standing in front of me. I knew Dr. Hirschberg. He was the father of one of my best friends, his daughter, Lea. I had been in his home many times. I couldn't believe it. There was Dr. Cotter Hirschberg, one of the wisest and kindest human beings I had ever met, standing directly in front of me. My mother, I later found out, had left the living room to go into the kitchen to use another phone to call the doctor in the middle of a workday afternoon to tell him about me. Bless his heart. Within minutes of speaking to my mother, he was standing in front of me in mid-afternoon during a work day. He spoke to me gently. I told him my dilemma. Dr. Hirschberg said he would speak to Dr. Otto Kernberg, another renown psychiatrist, and make an appointment for me to see him the next day. My mother saved my life that afternoon.

The next morning, I was in Dr. Kernberg's office. He was taking notes of what I was sharing with him. I was talking so rapidly that at a certain point. Dr. Kernberg's pen stopped in mid-air, then slowly descended like a helicopter onto the legal pad he was writing on. He said that tomorrow he would have to talk not only with me, but also with my mother and father.

The next morning, my mother and father joined me in Dr. Kernberg's office.
The doctor was terse. "If Tod doesn't get help soon, he will have a complete nervous breakdown. I think he needs to be in the hospital to be evaluated."
"How long will he need to be in the hospital," asked my father. "About two weeks," said Dr. Kernberg. The doctor was a wee bit off. I was in the hospital for a year.



Chapter 8

That same day, my mother and father and I met Dr. Horne, my house doctor. I liked him instantly. I know my father hated me being in a mental hospital instead of law school. It may sound odd, but I felt good for the first time in a year. Dr. Horne said I would not be on any medication. He wanted to see me "in the raw." The doctor had an aid escort me to my room. This was the first day of a long, long journey to my finding my real self, which, I believe, very few ever do.

Perhaps strangely, but I felt at home being an in-patient at Menninger's. My first realization was that my fellow patients, for the most part, seemed "real" unlike most of the people you meet day-to-day. No misunderstanding here:   I was extremely sick, but I could feel that Menninger's was my friend while my father wasn't. He didn't give a **** about me unless I was unconsciously living out his dreams.

So what was it like being a mental patient at Menninger's? Well, first, he (or she) was **** lucky to be a patient at the world's best (and one of the most expensive) mental hospital. Unlike the outside world, there was no ******* in  Menninger's. You didn't always like how another person was acting, but whatever he or she was doing was real, not *******.

All days except Sunday, you met with your house doctor for around twenty minutes. I learned an awful lot from Dr. Horne. A couple of months after you enter, you were assigned a therapist. Mine was Dr. Rosenstein, who was very good. My social worker was Mabel Remmers, a wonderful woman. My mother, my father, and I all had meetings with Mabel, sometimes singly, sometimes with both my mother and father, sometimes only with me. It was Mabel who told me about my parents, that when I was 4 1/2 years old, my father came home in the middle of the workday, which rarely ever did, walked up the stairs to their bedroom and opened the door. What he saw changed not only his life, but also that of everyone else. On their bed lay my naked mother in the arms of a naked man who my father had never seen until that moment that ruined the lives of everybody in the family. My mother wanted a divorce, but my father threatened her with his determined intent of making it legally impossible ever for her to see her children again. So that's why they had separate bedrooms, I thought. So that is why my mother was always depressed, and that's why my father treated me in an unloving way no loving father would ever do. It was Mabel who had found out these awful secrets of my mother and father and then told me. Jesus!

The theme that keeps running through my head is "NO *******."
Most people on Earth, I believe, unconsciously are afraid to become their real selves;  thus, they have to appear OK to others through false appearances.

For example, many feel a need to have "power," not to empower others, but to oppresss them. Accruing great wealth is another way, I believe, is to present a false image, hoping that it will impress others to think they are OK when they are not. The third way to compensate is fame. "If I'm famous, people will think I'm hot ****. They'll think I'm OK. They'll be impressed and never know the real me."

I believe one's greatest achievement in life is to become your real self. An exceptionally great therapist will help you discover your real self. It's just too scary for the vast majority of people even to contemplate the effort, even if they're lucky enough to find a great therapist. And I believe that is why our world is so ******-up.

It took me almost eight months before I could get into bed and sleep almost all night. At year's end, I left the hospital and entered one of the family's home selected by Menninger's. I lived with this family for more than a year. It was enlightening, even healing, to live with a family in which love flowed. I drove a cab for about a month, then worked on a ranch also for about a month, then landed a job for a year at the State Library in the State Capitol building. The State Librarian offered to pay me to attend Emporia State University to get my masters in Library Science, but I declined his offer because I did not want to become a professional librarian. What I did do was I got a job at the Topeka Public Library in its Fine Arts division.

After working several months in the Fine Arts division, I had a relapse in the summer. Coincidentally, in August I got a phone call at the tiny home I was renting. It was my father calling from the White Mountains in northern Arizona. The call lasted about a minute. My father told me that he would no longer pay for any psychiatric help for me, then hung up. I had just enough money to pay for a month as an in-patient at Menninger's. Toward the end of that month, a nurse came into my room and told me to call the State Hospital to tell them I would be coming there the 1st of December. Well, ****! My father, though much belatedly, got his way. A ******* one minute phone call.
Can you believe it?

Early in the morning of December 1st, My father and mother silently drove me from Menninger's about six blocks down 6th Street to the State Hospital. They pulled up beside the hill, at the bottom of which was the ward I would be staying in. Without a word being spoken, I opened the rear door of the car, got out, then slid down on the heavy snow to the bottom of the hill.

A nurse unlocked the door of the ward (yes, at the State Hospital, doors of each ward were locked). I followed the nurse into a room where several elderly women were sticking cloves into oranges to make decorations for the Christmas Tree. Then I followed her into the Day Room where a number of patients were watching a program on the TV. Then she led me down the corridor to my room that I was going to share with three other male patients. When the nurse left the room, I quickly lay face down spread-eagle of the mattress for the entire day. I was to do this every day for two weeks. When my doctor, whom I had not yet met, became aware of my depressed behavior, had the nurse lock the door of that room. Within several days the doctor said he would like to speak to me in his office that was just outside the ward. His name was Dr. Urduneta from Argentina. (Menninger's trained around sixty MDs from around the world each year to become certified psychiatrists. These MDs went either to the State Hospital or to the VA hospital.) The nurse unlocked the door for me to meet Dr. Urduneta in his office.

I liked Dr. Urduneta from the first time I met him. He already knew a lot about me. He knew I had been working at the Topeka Public Library, as well as a number of other things. After several minutes, he said, "Follow me." He unlocked the door of the ward, opened the door, and followed me into the ward.

"Tod," he said, "some patients spend the rest of their lives here. I don't want that for you. So this coming Monday morning (he knew I had a car), I want you to drive to the public library to begin work from 9 until noon."

"Oh Doctor, I can't do that. Maybe in six or seven months I could try, but not now. Maybe I can volunteer at the library here at the State Hospital," I said.

"Tod, I think you can work now half-days at the public library," said Dr. Urduneta calmly.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, what he was saying. I couldn't even talk. After a long pause, Dr. Urduneta said, "It was good to meet you, Tod. I look forward to our next talk."

Monday morning came too soon. A nice nurse was helping me get dressed while I was crying. Then I walked up the hill to the parking lot and got into my car. I drove to the public library and parked my car. As I walked to the west entrance, I was thinking I had not let Cas Weinbaum--my boss and one of the nicest women I had ever met--know that I had had a relapse. I had no contact with her or anyone else at the library for several months. Why had I not been fired?, I thought.

As I opened the west door, I saw Cas and she saw me. She came waddling toward me with her arms wide open. I couldn't believe it. And then Cas gave me a long, long hug without saying a word. Finally, she told me I needed to glue the torn pieces of 16 millimeter film together. I was anxious as hell. I lasted 10 minutes. I told Cas I was at the State Hospital, that I had tried to work at the public library, but just couldn't do it. She hugged me again and said nothing. I left the library and drove back to the State Hospital.

When I got to the Day Room, I sat next to a Black woman and started talking to her. The more we talked, the more I liked her. Dr. Urduneta, I was to find out, usually came into the ward later in the day. Every time he came onto the ward, he was swarmed by the patients. I learned quickly that every patient on our ward loved Dr. Urduneta. I sat there for a couple of hours before Dr. Urduneta finally got to me. He was standing, I was sitting. I said, "Dr. Urduneta, I tried very hard to do my job, but I was so anxious I couldn't do it. I lasted ten minutes. I tried, but I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry.
"Dr. Urduneta said, "Tod, that's OK, because tomorrow you're going to try again."



Chapter 9

On Tuesday, I tried again.

I managed to work until 12 noon, but every second felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. I didn't think I could do it, but I did. I have to give Dr. Urduneta a lot of credit. His manner, at once calm and forceful, empowered me. I continued to work at the library at those hours until early April. At the
beginning of May, I began working regular hours, but remained an in-patient until June.

I had to stay at the hospital during the Christmas holidays. One of those evenings, I left my room and turned left to go to the Day Room. After taking only a few steps, I could see on the counter in front of the nurses's station a platter heaped with Christmas cookies and two gallons of red punch with paper cups to pour the punch in to. That evening remains the kindest, most moving one I've ever experienced. Some anonymous person, or persons, thought of us. What they shared with all of us was love. That evening made such an indelible impression on me that I, often with a friend or my sisters, bought Christmas cookies and red punch. And after I got legal permission for all of us to hand them out, we visited the ward I had lived on. I personally handed Christmas cookies and red punch to every patient who wanted one or both. But I never bothered any patient who did not want to be approached.

On July 1, I shook Dr. Urduneta's hand, thanked him for his great help, and went to the public library and worked a full day. A good friend of mine had suggested that I meet Dr. Chotlos, a professor of psychology at KU. My friend had been in therapy with him for several years and thought I might want to work with him. My friend was right. Dr. Chotlos met his clients at his home in Topeka. I began to see him immediately. I had also rented an apartment. Dr. Urduneta had been right. It had taken me only seven months to recover.

After a little over six months, I had become friends with my co-workers in the Fine Arts department. Moreover, I had come warm friends with Cas whom I had come to respect greatly. My four co-workers were a pleasure to work with as well.

There were around eighty others who worked at the library, one of whom prepared the staff news report each month. I had had one of my poems published in one of the monthly reports. Mr. Marvin, the Head Librarian, had taken positive note of my poem. So when that fellow left for another job, Mr. Marvin suggested to the Staff Association President that I might be a good replacement, which was exactly what happened. I had been only a couple of months out of the State Hospital, so when I was asked to accept this position, I was somewhat nervous, I asked my girlfriend, Kathy, if I should accept the offer, she said I should. I thought it over for a bit more time because I had some new ideas for the monthly report. Frankly, I thought what my predecessor's product was boring. It had been only a number of sheets of paper 8 1/2 by 14 inches laid one on the others stapled once in the upper left corner. I thought if I took those same pieces of paper and folded them in their middle and stapled them twice there, I'd have a burgeoning magazine. Also, I'd give my magazine the title TALL WINDOWS, as I had been inspired by the tall windows in the reading room, windows as high as the ceiling and almost reached the carpet. Readers could see the outdoors through these windows, see the beautiful, tall trees, their leaves and limbs swaying in the breeze, and often the blue sky. Beautiful they were.

Initially, I printed only 80 TALL WINDOWS, one for each of the individuals working in the library, but over time, our patrons also took an interest in the magazine. Consequentially, I printed 320 magazines, 240 for those patrons who  enjoyed perusing TALL WINDOWS. The magazines were distributed freely. Cas suggested I write LIBRARY JOURNAL, AMERICAN LIBRARIES, and WILSON LIBRARY BULLETIN, the three national magazines read by virtually by all librarians who worked in public and academic libraries across the nation. AMERICAN LIBRARIES came to Topeka to photograph and interview me, then put both into one of their issues. Eventually, we had to ask readers outside of TOPEKA PUBLIC LIBRARY to subscribe, which is to pay a modest sum of money to receive TALL WINDOWS. I finally entitled this magazine, TALL WINDOWS, The National Public Magazine. In the end, we had more than 4.000 subscribers nationwide. Finally, TALL WINDOWS launched THE NATIONAL LIBRARY LITERARY REVIEW. In the inaugural issue, I published several essays/stories. This evolution took me six years, but I was proud of each step I had taken. I did all of this out of love, not to get rich. Wealth is not worth.

My mother had finally broken away from my father and moved to Scottsdale, Arizona. I decided to move to Arizona, too. So, in the spring of 1977, I gathered my belongings and my two dogs, Pooch and Susie, and managed to put everything into my car. Then I headed out. I was in no rush. I loved to travel through the mountains of Colorado, then across the northern part of Arizona, turning left at Flagstaff to drive to Phoenix where I rented an apartment.

I needed another job, so after a few days I drove to Phoenix Publishing Company. I had decided to see Emmitt Dover, the owner, without making an appointment. The secretary said he was busy just now, but would be able to see me a bit later, so I took a seat. I waited about an hour before Mr. Dover opened his office door, saw me, then invited me in. I introduced myself, shook hands, then gave him my resume. He read it and then asked me a number of pertinent questions. I found our meeting cordial. Mr. Dover had been pleased to meet me and would get back to me as soon as he was able.
I thanked him for his time, then left. Around 3:30 that afternoon, the phone rang. It was Mr. Dover calling me to tell me I had a new job, if I wanted it.
I would be a salesman for Phoenix Magazine and I accepted his offer on his terms. I thank him so much for this opportunity. Mr. Dover asked me if I could start tomorrow. I said I would start that night, if he needed me to. He said tomorrow morning would suffice and chuckled a bit. I also chuckled a bit and told him I so appreciated his hiring me. I said, "Mr. Dover, I'll see you tomorrow at 8:00 am."

I knew I could write well, but I had no knowledge of big-time publishing.
This is important to know, because I had a gigantic, nationwide art project in mind to undertake. In all my life, I've always felt comfortable with other people, probably because I enjoy meeting and talking with them so much. I worked for Phoenix Publishing for a year. Then it was time for me to quit, which I did. I had, indeed, learned a lot about big-time publishing, but it was now time to begin working full-time on my big-time project. The name of the national arts project was to be:  TALL WINDOWS:  The National Arts Annual. But before I began, I met Cara.

Cara was an intelligent, lovely young woman who attracted me. She didn't waste any time getting us into bed. In short order, I began spending every night with her. She worked as the personnel director of a large department store. I rented a small apartment to work on my project during the day, but we spent every evening together. After a year, she brought up marriage. I should have broken up with her at that time, but I didn't. I said I just wasn't ready to get married. We spent another year together, but during that time, I felt she was getting upset with me, then over more time, I felt she often was getting angry with me. I believe she was getting increasingly angry at me because she so much wanted to marry me, and I wasn't ready. The last time I suggested we should break up, Cara put her hand on my wrist and said "I need you." She said she would date other men, but would still honor our intimate agreement. We would still honor our ****** relationship, she said. Again I went against my intuition, which was dark and threatening. I capitulated again. I trusted her word. It was my fault that I didn't follow my intuition.

Sunday afternoon came. I said she should come over to my apartment for a swim. She did. But in drying off, when she lifted her left leg, I saw her ***** that had been bruised by some other man, not by me. I instantly repressed seeing her bruised *****. We went to the picnic, but Cara wanted to leave after just a half-hour. I drove her back to my apartment where she had parked her car. I kissed her good-bye, but it was the only time her kiss had ever been awkward. She got into her car and drove away. I got out of my car and began to walk to my apartment, but in trying to do so, I began to weave as I walked. That had never happened to me before. I finally got to the door of my apartment and opened it to get in. I entered my apartment and sat on my couch. When I looked up at the left corner of the ceiling, I instantly saw a dark, rectangular cloud in which rows of spirals were swirling in counter-clockwise rotation. Then this menacing cloud began to descend upon me. My hands became clammy. I didn't know what the hell was happening. I got off the couch and reached the phone. I called Cara. She answered and immediately said, "I wish you wanted to get married." I said "I saw your bruised *****. Did you sleep with another man?" I said, "I need to know!" She said she didn't want to talk about that and hung up. I called her back and said in an enraged voice I needed to know. She said she had already told me.
At that point, I saw, for the only time in my life, cores about five inches long of the brightest pure white light exit my brain through my eye sockets. At that instant, I went into shock. All I could say was "Cara, Cara, Cara." For a week after, all I could do was to spend the day walking and walking and walking around Scottsdale. All I could eat were cashews my mother had put into a glass bowl. I flew at the end of that week back to Topeka to see Dr. Chotlos. I will tell you after years of therapy the reason I was always reluctant to get married.



Chapter 10

I remained in shock for six weeks. It was, indeed, helpful to see Dr. Chotlos. When my shock ended, I began reliving what had happen with Cara. That was terrible. I began having what I would call mini-shocks every five minutes or so. Around the first of the new year, I also began having excruciating pain throughout my body. Things were getting worse, not better.
My older sister, Rae, was told by a friend of hers I might want to contact Dr. Pat Norris, who worked at Menninger's. Dr. Norris's specialty was bio-feedback. Her mother and step-father had invented bio-feedback. I found out that all three worked at Menninger's. When I first met Dr. Norris, I liked her a lot. We had tried using bio-feedback for a while, but it didn't work for me, so we began therapy. Therapy started to work. Dr. Norris soon became "Pat" to me. The therapy we used was the following:  we began each session by both of us closing our eyes. While keeping our eyes closed the whole session, Pat became, in imagery, my mother and I became her son. We started our therapy, always in imagery, with me being conceived and I was in her womb. Pat, in all our sessions, always asked me to share my feelings with her. I worked with Pat for 20 years. Working with Pat saved my life. If I shared with you all our sessions, it would take three more books to share all we did using imagery as mother and son. I needed to take a powerful pain medication for six years. At that time, I was living with a wonderful woman, Kristin. She had told me that for as long as she could remember, she had pain in her stomach every time she awoke. That registered on me, so I got medical approval to take the same medicine she had started taking. The new medication worked! Almost immediately, I could do many things now that I couldn't do since Cara.

At Menninger's, there was a psychiatrist who knew about kundalini and involuntary kundalini. I wanted to see him one time to discuss involuntary kundalini. I got permission from both doctors to do so. I told the psychiatrist about my experience seeing cores of extremely bright light about five inches long exiting my brain through my eye sockets. He knew a lot about involuntary kundalini, and he thought that's what I experienced. Involuntary kundalini was dangerous and at times could cause death of the person experiencing it. There was a book in the Menninger library about many different ways involuntary kundalini could affect you adversely. I read the book and could relate to more than 70% of the cases written about. This information was extremely helpful to me and Pat.

As I felt better, I was able to do things I enjoyed the most. For  example, I began to fly to New York City to visit Columbia and to meet administrators I most admired. I took the Dean of Admissions of Columbia College out for lunch. We had a cordial and informative conversation over our meals. About two weeks later, I was back in Topeka and the phone rang. It was the president of the Columbia College Board of Directors calling to ask if I would like to become a member of this organization. The president was asking me to become one of 25 members to the Board of Directors out of 40,000 alumni of Columbia College. I said "Yes" to him.

Back home, I decided to establish THE COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY CLUB OF KANSAS CITY. This club invited any Columbia alumnus living anywhere in Kansas and any Columbia alumnus living in the western half of Missouri to become a member of THE COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY CLUB OF KANSAS CITY. We had over 300 alumni join this club. I served two terms as the club's president.  I was beginning to regain my life.

Pat died of cancer many years ago. I moved to Boulder, Colorado. I found a new therapist whose name is Jeanne. She and I have been working together for 19 years. Let me remark how helpful working with an excellent therapist can be. A framed diploma hanging on the wall is no guarantee of being an "exceptional" therapist. An exceptional therapist in one who's ability transcends all the training. You certainly need to be trained, but the person you choose to be your therapist must have intuitive powers that are not academic. Before you make a final decision, you and the person who wants to become your therapist, need to meet a number of times for free to find out how well both of you relate to each other. A lot of people who think they are therapists are not. See enough therapists as you need to find the "exceptional" therapist. It is the quality that matters.

If I had not had a serious condition, which I did, I think I would have never seen a therapist. Most people sadly think people who are in therapy are a "sicko." The reality is that the vast majority of people all around the world need help, need an "exceptional" therapist. More than likely, the people who fear finding an "exceptional" therapist are unconsciously fearful of finding out who their real selves are. For me, the most valuable achievement one can realize is to find your real self. If you know who you really are, you never can defraud your real self or anyone else who enters your life. Most human beings, when they get around age 30, feel an understandable urge to "shape up," so those people may join a health club, or start jogging, or start swimming laps, to renew themselves. What I found out when I was required to enter therapy for quite some time, I began to realize that being in therapy with an "exceptional" therapist was not only the best way to keep in shape, but also the best way emotionally to keep your whole self functioning to keep you well for your whole life. Now, working with an "exceptional" therapist every week is the wisest thing a person can do.

I said I would tell you why I was "unmarried inclined." I've enjoined ****** ******* with more than 30 beautiful, smart women in my life. But, as I learned, when the issue of getting married arose, I unconsciously got scared. Why did this happen? This is the answer:  If I got married, my wife and I most likely would have children, and if we had children, we might have a son. My unconscious worry would always be, what if I treated my son the same way my father had treated me. This notion was so despicable to me, I unconsciously repressed it. That's how powerful emotions can be.

Be all you can be:  be your real self.
Gaffer Aug 2018
How many ******* times had that mirror lied.
Just stood there and blatantly lied.
Probably laughed it's ******* head off
How many times did that mirror scream
You look ******* hot, girl
If those **** could talk
They would be shouting
I’m all yours
But he ain't
He’s off with a ******* librarian
Who the **** jumps a librarian
Every guy demands a *****
You marry librarians
That’s all you do
She would show him
******* sophistication
She would show him sophistication
Short skirts became dress suits
Blonde to black
She just oozed power
Stood across from him
Gazing into his soul
He kept glancing at her
Sensing the challenge
Sensing victory
She played with him
Feigning indifference
Getting into his head
Pushing all the right buttons
The mirror laughed
Like it knew
How the game would ensue
You marry librarians
That’s all you do...
There are tulips in the gutter
perfect blooms,
destined for dinner with a friend,
they were meant for the table
but alas she was unable to attend
Nik Bland Jan 2019
You are more
Beautiful
More brilliant
Reminiscent of stars
And librarians
With their glasses
Hooked on strings

And yet I am
Here
Wait for you
To notice me
To find me
To love
Something
About me

And you speak to me
And post your
Little
Self deprecating
Harmful
Hurtful
Thoughts
Of how you’re
Unloved and alone

The room
You’ve locked yourself
In
Is shut
Unopened
Do not disturb
With walls lined
In black

But with
The light off
And your hands
Over your
Beautiful
Wide
Tear-filled eyes
You fail
To see me
Wanting to
Love you
Kiagen McGinnis Mar 2011
i was born in a house on 5th south
my mother nearly bled to death
                                                           ­ i guess it's only fair that i am anemic

i learned to write long before i learned how to talk,
probably because a thumb was always in my mouth
and we didn't have a tv
                                                            th­e librarians knew me by name

i was always scowling, couldn't find reasoning
for my parents being sad, for the eating of animals
for not having any friends
or a cat of my own
                                                            w­ords were my escape from the start
                                                           ­  a lonely girl's only constant.

comfort is pen to paper
                                   therapy is a journal so used the binding breaks
                                                          ­                                                    writing is home

— The End —