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Alyssa Underwood Nov 2015
There's a peculiar kind of beauty that can only be experienced
with the innate knowledge that the moment is fleeting
and the most intense beauty can only be seen in
the presence of both light and shadows.
For it’s often in the loss of a thing
that its worth to us becomes
most precious and by
letting it go with
grace we can
best savor
its purest
that the pain
runs so deep only
because the beauty ran
so deep and that without
it having once touched us we
wouldn't now know the emptiness
of its loss, our grief will eventually turn to
thankfulness that it ever touched us at all, and
we will be left awed by the mystery of its haunting.
Vicki Kralapp Aug 2012
I met myself among the ruins of life
The quiet simplicity of truth has left me speechless.
Around me I find discarded ideas and beliefs,
shells of relationships and the cries of lost ones.  

You’ve finally let me go after a battle so long fought.  
Gone to let me grow, to stumble though life on my own,
with the myths of youth scattered about my feet.
What is truth?

A lifetime since we said goodbyes
still I find you in my thoughts and dreams.
Kissed by your loving care.  
and protected by your memory.
All poems are copy written and sole property of Vicki Kralapp.
Carter Ginter Dec 2018
Dear Bri,

I've put this letter off the longest
Because it doesn't come from anger
And although it may resemble it
It does not come from regret either
This letter just comes from my soul
From me
From a place I can finally trust

This letter differs from the rest
Because I want it to be a mix
Between explanation and closure
And the others I didn't want them to read
But part of me hopes you do see this
I just finally think I understand
Why I had to leave

First of all
I never used you
Not one time
You learned that I'm fiercely independent
And I hope you know it was never
About money for me
Or about your home town
Or your fathers property
No that relationship was about love
I loved you

See, the thing about love
The thing I didn't know about
Was that it changes over time
There are not always sparks
Even so, those fade eventually
And from there you must create deeper ties
Connect to one another on a new level
That is the point at which I failed

I know you hated how
I always explained my behavior by my past
And for that I am not sorry
What I am sorry for is the fact that
I did not step up
I did not know how to grow with life
How to let go of the pain
How to move forward
Instead I hid the pain behind drugs
Legal and prescribed
And behind other people's affection
I pushed away the pain
Because it hurt way too much
I was not ready to face it
I had no idea how to do that
And by not accepting my real feelings
I not only blunted the unhelpful ones
But the pleasant ones as well

By not dealing with my past
By not allowing myself to heal
I could not have allowed myself
To love you

It's been over a week since
I wrote the first half of this
It's hard to find the right words
It's hard to open my heart
On something so sensitive
As a love that I ended prematurely
I want to let you go though
We both deserve to be happy again
And I am, most days
But I need to acknowledge my heart
Allow myself to be sad one last time
I want to be entirely honest with you

You've been the hardest person
For me to let go of recently
Now that you live in town again
I think about you a lot
When I'm driving through campus
Past the engineering building
When I'm walking back to my car
Memories constantly surface of us
Like when you left that phone number
On the windshield of my car
And it was to some Pizza Hut in DC
Or driving through the town where we lived
Surrounded by white snow
Singing different parts to Pentatonix
Or when we spent Christmas with your family
And we connected through the calm of a place
So far from the city
As we chopped down a tree and
Played video games under warm blankets
Or even when we sat on the edge of a cliff in St. Francis
And I told you I felt nothing when we kissed
So so many memories
Of love
Of pain
Of a connection
Of my best friend

And it's not that I want to be together again
We are very different people and
I really am happy again
And I don't want to make you sad
Or make you feel anything bad
Because no matter what I care about you
I just need to reprocess everything
With the recognition that
That relationship would have lasted
If, back then,
I were the person I am now

We may have been entirely different
And we definitely had our issues
But you were right when you said
That I couldn't commit
Because I couldn't commit to myself either

I couldn't love myself
I couldn't believe in myself
I couldn't process the trauma
I had no idea how to
I didn't know what to do
I felt only pain all of the time
Underneath everything else
I always had a sadness hanging onto me
I was emotionally unavailable
I didn't know how to love
I didn't know what love meant
Because I never loved myself
And I don't believe that line
That you can't love someone else
Until you love yourself first
But it sure makes it easier

Back then,
I didn't trust myself
So I let everyone else lead my life
I never questioned the path either
I just accepted life as it was
Because I didn't believe that I could change it
Which leaked into our relationship
Because if there was something I needed
Or something I was unhappy with
I could have tried to talk about it
I made the choice not to

I used to self-sabotage a lot
Before I realized that I didn't have to
I could feel those urges anytime
But that did not mean I had to carry them out
I lived entirely by my emotions at that time
When I was sad, nothing could be positive
When I was angry, I had to let it out
I did not even consider that
My actions and my emotions
Are two entirely different things

I have grown so much since then
I'd like to hope you'd be proud
Because despite anything I've said or done
I still care about how you feel
And how you see me
I'm always tempted to check your writing
But now I can distinguish between
My helpful and unhelpful urges
So I do not allow myself to try
You deserve your privacy
And I deserve to not let these residual feelings
Interfere with my life now

I just want you to know that
I messed up when I hurt you
I made a choice for us both
Instead of sitting down together
To talk and figure out how we both felt
I don't think I could have figured myself out
If I hadn't left when I did

Because since then
I went through a toxic relationship
That empowered me almost as much as it broke me
And I hurt some people along the way too
I thought I loved people I really didn't
I did acid and developed positive habits as a result
I actually take care of myself now
And most of the time I like myself
Often I even love myself
I stopped doing drugs
I finally trust myself and
I listened to myself for once
And I'm changing my career path now
I learned to be mindful of my feelings
And to not take them out on those I love
I learned what love means
I developed more compassion
I learned to be assertive
And entirely honest and real
I learned who I am

And now I'm here
An entirely different person
Writing a final letter to you
A person who I loved
Who's also entirely different now
But someone who could have been my forever
Once upon a time

But I'd like to believe in fate
And trust that all of this
Is exactly what needed to happen
For both of us to grow into ourselves
And I can't speak for you
But you will always be in my heart
Thank you for the years we spent together
Thank you for teaching me that life isn't all bad
Thank you for being there for me
For being patient and kind and for loving me
Thank you for being you
I truly hope that you find happiness
I wish you peace and love
And everything good
And I wish the same for me
Seanathon Mar 2017
I will let the enamel rust
If that's what it takes
To remove
The enamored me
Southboud... The rhythm... Help me continue to count our.
-- May 2017
she compares her sweet tooth
to that of a good long scream,
the kind where your throat hurts a little after
and your eyes water,
the type of scream where your neighbors start to wonder
if either you’ve been murdered,
or you've just had the best ****** of your life,
because it sounds just a little to pleasureful
to be the sound of of an inevitable death.
Muted Jul 2018
i long for pleasant days.
days that feel like new beginnings,
days when i feel as if i am floating,
when each and every
fiber of my being
feels content with letting go,
tying loose ends,
shedding dead skin.
when my body no longer
feels unworthy of
occupying a space in this dimension,
when my brain no longer
allows toxicity to occupy a space
within it.
i long for moments of silence.
solace for my soul,
a place for the skeletons
in my closet to
rest their dust-covered heads.
i long for happy summers.
when i no longer fear
the thought of love.
when i no longer imagine love
as an **** ****,
devouring a flower bed.
when i no longer imagine you
resting in someone else's.
jcl Oct 2018
i know
i need
to let go

I am not ready
to release you

I endure
the pain
the anguish

i am
a *******

i want
to be free
of my

i should
let go
or be
abby Mar 2018
I know that it's hard
You can feel the anger and frustration rising up from your core
unsure of whether it will seep out of your eyes or your lungs
You're not sure how to react
Do you tear down everything in sight
or do you crawl into bed for the rest of week
letting yourself fall into darkness

The reality is, you'll do both
Some days you'll want to yell at the top of your lungs
You'll want to throw rocks at windows
rip all your pictures and throw them in the fire
And on other days you'll want to be left alone
in the warm comfort of your bed and your room
with a box of tissues and the saddest music you can find

I know you don't understand why it had to be you
Why you had to be the one to feel so broken
Out of all the people in the world, it had to be you
What did you ever do to deserve this
I know you'll feel tempted to blame yourself
for the hurt caused by someone else

It's not your fault
It's not your responsibility to control someone else's actions
The fact is, you can't change what happened
As much as you want to, you can't turn back time
What's done is done and now you're left in the rubble
I know that that's not fair
Nothing seems fair enough

Everything will hurt
Trying to get up in the morning with a fake smile on your face
Watching the people in your life so full of joy
Forcing yourself to try to do anything but pity yourself
It's not easy and you need to give yourself more credit
I know that when you say you're doing okay
you probably aren't, and that's okay

It won't be okay for a while
I wish I could tell you it will but that's not true
It will **** today, tomorrow and the next day after that
You'll have happy days, but you won't be happy
You'll have to deal with the outcome every day

I know you may not believe it or even want to hear this but
at some point, you'll wake up and it'll hurt a little less
At the end of the day, you are the person you're left with
You will learn how to let yourself feel better
because if you don't, who will
Remember that you don't deserve to feel sad forever
You deserve the chance for happiness
You deserve it all
I'm rooting for us
Carter Ginter Aug 2015
The truth is I'm terrified
Everyday I try to unravel my feelings
But, as soon as I do,
I run from them
And they get tangled once again in my heels

Because if I tell you how I feel
And really, truly let my heart free
I become so vulnerable to the world:
You alone would have the power to destroy me
And that scares the life out of me

I'm afraid because I've been hurt before
After never believing I'd fall in love
Suddenly I did, but then
My fairytale took a sharp turn on a dark road
And now I don't know what love looks like
Or how it feels
Because even over 6 months later
I'm not completely healed
And I don't know if I ever will be

But when I look into your eyes
Even just in your direction
A spark flickers inside me
Destroying the darkness I've grown so accustomed to
And for the first time in a long time I feel like me again
I no longer feel like there's a piece missing
With your hand set securely in mine
I am whole once again
And I couldn't ask for anything more
Because you are already perfect darling
Carter Ginter Dec 2018
I hope this is the last set of letters
Because I am so tired
Of hanging onto these things that
Happened so long ago now
And allowing other people
To have this type of control over me
I love myself now and
That really is an amazing thing
I didn't even like myself back then
I couldn't even comprehend the idea
That I could care about myself this way
And that's exactly the reason
Why all of these past occurrences
Suffocate my thoughts so much
Because I cannot fathom how
People who claimed they loved me
Could treat me the way they did
How I could let them
Use me and
Abuse me and
Manipulate me to such a degree
Where I stayed in those conditions
For much longer than I should have
The reason I haven't let go yet
Has nothing to do with my exes
It has to do with the ways in which
I allowed important people
Those who I shared love and a life with
To hurt me so deeply
It is not about the people
It is not about their names
It is not even about the individual love
It is solely about me and
The love I carry for myself now
And my own inability to comprehend
How I could hurt myself so much
By letting other people
Actively hurt me so much
Jason Drury Oct 2016
Though, should I
or have I begun?

To feel the tussling
Of blurring bodies.

Transforming and dancing,
Through these very halls.

Where aching is thick,
and a embrace is a release.

Should I begin?
How should I begin?

Swallow the dagger,
stabbing from behind.

Let it sit deep in my stomach.
Push it further, where it can’t cut.

Where will it end?
How will I begin?

Under lock and key,
Just where I left it .

It escapes as it did just now,
conjuring a puncture to bone.

Blood flows,
Rushes out into the world.

Is this a release?
How can I heal?*

Pouring out,
It tastes salty on the cheek

The color is dark,
cold to the touch.

Purging the night,
that stained blood black.

Sifting the chill,
of steel from bone.

Ringing out whats left of gore and fluid,
down the drain.

*I can begin now.
This is the end.
Jessica B Feb 2
For now I will let you go
I still feel you
I always will
But this is me
And it is time
For i will Kiss you goodbye
For every nights sky has its last star
Llila Jul 2016
I hold you in the palm of my hand,
  your eyes are hollowed out craters.
In the holes of which, buried deep, are the memories that you and I  once shared,
  some could say that we still share them,
  it would be difficult for me to disagree.

I hold you in the palm of my hand,
   your life hangs in the balance,
   tipping ever so slightly into the unknown.
We share the same name
    and although I have tried in vain to change mine,
     it still sticks,
     lingering on old tongues,
     leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

I hold you in the palm of my hand,
  you sit, waiting for whatever will come next,
  you watch me with curious eyes, as if i know the answer to your questions,
and it pains me to tell you that I do not.

I hold you in the palm of my hand,
  we are a magnificent circus duo,
   I, the ventriloquist and you my mindless drone,
  or you the ventriloquist and I, all alone.
  Our audience laugh at our shared torment and
  I, I laugh as well at the situation we have created.

I hold you in the palm of my hand,
  and though we share the same name,
  the same face,
  I fear we are no longer the same.
You are a reflection of what used to be,
  of what is now forgotten
   and fading away,
   as though you never existed in the first place.

And, I , I am the aftermath,
  The desolation after an explosion,
  I am the one who was left behind to pick up the pieces.

I hold you in the palm of my hand,
I hold you close to my heart,
close enough that the pounding of my being deafens you,
and the shaking of my rib cage engulfs you.

I hold you in the palm of my hand,
I tell myself that it is to protect you ,
but in reality I know that I am crushing you.

I hold you in the palm of my hand,
  your eyes are hollowed out craters.
In the holes of which, buried deep, are the memories that you and I  once shared.
But now you are gone and yet I still remain.
Those memories intact but not looking the same.
I'm not too sure about this one.
Carter Ginter Dec 2017
I'll change my mind
Before I make a mistake
Just because there's love there
Doesn't mean it's best shared
I'll let it go and just pick up my things
You'll have someone with you already
And I hope for the best for you
You deserve to be happy
And I know I'll find my own happiness too
Because I really am happy these days
I guess it reminds me of the time
When you asked me to come with to get your things from your ex
It seems like it's just another cycle
And I hope this person is the right fit
Because clearly I wasn't
And that's honestly ok
I'll grow and so will you
It just doesn't have to be together
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