As an adult
I spend my time
Reflecting on my past
I was a happy child
I had a happy family
We weren’t rich
But there was a lot of love

Something changed when I turned 13.
My chest grew,
I wore makeup,
I bleached my hair,
My curves started to show.
My mother began to hate me.

Torment began to fill my time.
She tells me she loves me
more than anyone in the world,
but belittles me and infantilizes me.

How was I supposed to earn
the love of my mother
when she kept
getting jealous of me.

She never let me
leave the house
I had to keep
my life private
to protect myself
from judgement,
aching, and pain.

she made me feel small
so I kept quiet.

I told her a couple months ago
I was going to start therapy
she asked me what was wrong
and I told her I’m scared
to leave the house.

Sometimes I try to leave
And I’m 13 all over again.

The first time I felt like
the center of attention
Was my own wedding
I have lived ages wondering
If truly something was wrong.
If it was my appearance,
The manner in which i speak,
The language that i use,
Or perhaps I was too shy.
I have never had so many
People eager to speak to me
Pulling me aside
Trying to grab my attention.
But as soon as I turn my head
They rush to greet her
They thank her for her time
They can’t let her get back to it
I had never felt so seen
Or loved on my wedding day
But that only reminded me
That I am the shadow
Behind the woman who birthed me.

It’s hard knowing
that you’re happy now.

I spent so many days
feeling the pain
caused by you.

I had hoped to
figure out how
to leave and forget.

But now that I know
that you’re happy,
it breaks me.

I’m happy and
I asked for the split
but knowing
I suffered at the hands
of someone who
gets to be happy
feels like a knife
through the back

I wish they all knew
what you did to me.

Each lie and cheat
My skin tears away.
The bruises are becoming
Noticeable.

I want to bathe in your love.
I want to submerge myself within;
feel it on every inch of my skin.

I want to roll around in your love.
Just as we did on our sheets the night before;
feel it move around me, with you.

Your love is like fresh flowers
The leaves changing colors
There is nothing more euphoric.

Remind me if I ever lose this feeling.
As you look at a face but can’t figure a name,
As soon as you remind me I’ll know.

I try not to worry about you.
our relationship was a mystery
a series of games,
trying to see who cares less,
trying to stay secret.

I wanted to love you so badly.
I wanted that to be reciprocated.
Each time hours went by
without a response
a part of me wondered
am i worth anything to you?
it was hard figuring you out
but you just didn’t care.
ignoring me for weeks on end
really made it hard to exist
knowing i wasn’t worth
the slightest bit of effort to you.
then we called it quits…


…and two weeks later you begged for me back.

now i know what i’m worth.
i’m worth my weight in diamonds.
i’m worth being excited about.
i’m worth calling on the phone.
i’m worth you telling me secrets.
i’m worth being loved.
I’m worth forgetting anyone else exists.

I will never forget what I am worth.