By Nabs
Dear, My Past Self
I've always wanted to say a lot of things to you.
A lot of things that I would like you to change.
A lot of things I wished that you haven't done
(Like chanting hate to your self before you went to sleep).

But that is not the reason I am sending this letter.

We both know how the past cannot be changed, the same way we both know that girls will be girls and boys will be boys (which to say not at all, after all we are a firm believer that time travel and The Doctor exist).

I know that you are going through a lot of forked roads, right now.
Gnawing your lips and making it bleed, from worrying whether to choose right or left?
Afraid, not to take the wrong road but to take the road that you want, the third road that you've always thought off but haven't gathered enough courage to step to.
It's okay to be afraid of where will you get stranded in life. Being afraid doesn't make you weak.

But at the end we have to move forwards even if it will literally kills you to leave the breathtaking view behind.

At this point in your life, You will realize that the handful of people that you surround your self with are more of an aquantaince than friends. And you will lose some of the friends you have because of the directions you each choose to go. You will feel lonely and miserable.

A deceptive man called depression will lull you with the promise of kindred spirits and ask you to let him be your companion. You will accept this offer, not fully knowing the Concequences because Depression, in your neighborhood, is something that goes unacknowledged.

You will regret the decision of taking his hands
(He's a good friend of mine now, I know how to deal with his quirks and how to cope with him living in my home. He still ask me to join him in drowning, but I learned how to say no)

    There will also be a lot of people telling you that you are a freak. They will consider that being true to yourself is a sin and you will try to repent by torturing your self with soul leeching mask that will leave you identity in tattered remains (You will spent years trying to piece it back, taking new pieces and discarding old ones).

They will also paint names on your back, whispers lies and making a game on how much they can stab you in one day. (You always come home bleeding, but you covered it with 1000 watt smile and perfume to mask that fact that the wounds are rotting)

Do not try revenge, it will leave you with a guilt so heavy that the act it self would only taste like ashes and sour your heart. (I know how horrible that is, and I know you'll still do it because this letter isn't about changing the past)

Remember that you have an untapped core of titanium in your backbone.

I know you will spend some sleepless night thinking of ways to not wake up in the morning, how to keep dreaming, and letting the ghost take you away. I know how close you are to the temptation and how you almost bitten that forbidden fruit because you wonder if it taste like peace. I also know that you will deny yourself.

(Because that's the lesson that was taught to us since the beginning )

Society may tell you, to **** all the things that are different in you. The things that make you see a shade differently, the things that make your angle on the world askew, the thing that you were (and still is) proud of. You will ask why, and they will reply because you are not perfect.

Do not listen to them because a few months from now you'll learn that their reasons are poison and you had been fed spoiled milk all along.
(You'll get some stomach ache that will feel like butterfly wings, you will mistake it for infatuation. It's not. You'll learn that infatuations taste like sugar and the coffee that you'll grow to like)

At this point, You will also painstakingly build a shrine, made of ivory and desperation, for the one you mistaken as a saint (she's not but she's still one of the best things that happen to you). A shrine for a saint that you tried to be, a saint that was hailed from loneliness and envy.  

The shrine will be the invisible wall that you will simultaneously try to tear apart while build it everyday. You will always be the one who ask for forgiveness because you were a faithful believer who believe that you are a despicable sinner.

(You are as much as a sinner as she is a saint.)

The day that you look her in the eyes and burn the shrine, the wall will crumble and fall like the Berlin Wall. Both of you will become human ( Also you will find that she is easily bribed with pizza and you will find that you are different than her and that's ok).

You will also learn the taste of despair from the way the mother dove cannot understand that your screams are the way you say that you are breaking and you just want to quit breathing. Instead mother dove will translate it into screams of rebellion, and you were always the obedient daughter first, than you are a teenage girl.

(You will learn how to jab your scream into paper, and turn them into poems. You will truly make some bad ones at first. Don't worry I'll help you along the way)

One day, between where you are now and where I am now, the world will give you a present of awareness to the danger of smiling to strangers. You will cry in the hotel bathroom and try to scrub your skin until it bleeds, trying to feel clean but only managed to ***** the tub. The world and mother dove will tell you that its your fault and you were asking for it (You're not).

You will lose the ability to smile uncaringly.
(This is one of the things I wish we would have keep)

You will slowly watch the colors that you know fade from the world, leaving it a mottled grey. The same state that you are feeling now. You will paint lies and invent new colors to just make you believe that there is something worth living for. You will hate your self more and more for your new painting skills.

Don't hate your self, You are a survivor and you are still fighting (I know you wouldn't listen to this, that you would keep hating your self until you met some people who will be kind to you and help you hold up your forts from the monster inside your skin. Like I said this isn't that kind of letter).

I know that the day you smashed all your anger and hurt into the table that you sleep on, was the day where you first tried to draw red lines with sharp markers on yourself. It will be messy but you were addicted and soon all you can paint was release and the occasional victorian girl

(You will not draw boys because you despise the way that you cannot draw wide board shoulders, like the one you hate on your self but admire on your brothers because those shoulders look like they could carry the world unlike yours).

You will lock your emotions tight, and learn how to hide from the world (It wouldn't last long, you have the universe inside you that is screaming to be shared to people. You haven't learned how to say no yet, unlike me)

You will learn that you are also an idiot, that karma exist and it bites you in the *** as a payback for all those tyranny. You will laugh your self until you're sobbing and fallen asleep. The next day you will bring a book to educate yourself to your school.

You will be turned into a mess of paint, anger, bitterness, and dramatic flair. The only one that will be left without blemish will be the mask (not the face beneath). The woodcutters will saw your legs of from you, and you will be left without the means to stand on the ground

But you still will crawl your miserable 90 kilogram mass of body to the next crossroad, and the next, and the next, and the next, like the stubborn mule you (we) are.

And you will came out of the personal purgatory, that the world gave you, with a brand new legs, soul liberally littered with scars, and a tuft wings on your back (Albeit still very tiny. It's okay, It's still growing).

You will learn to walk again with your new legs, the one that isn't smooth like baby skin but full with callouses from all the road walking.

You will learn that being full of flaws is ok, that not being beautiful is fine.

You will also learn that you are allergic to cats (You will deny this fact when you find out until you almost passed out because you couldn't breathe. But we will still cuddle with them because cats are the best)

You will meet new people, wonderful new people. The ones that you care so very much and the one that cares for you back. The ones that's just wonky like you. (You will love this guy and girl that I am close with, they're very kind and sappy like you are)

You will get to fall in love, like in the romance manga that you secretly love, and you will broke your own heart (I wanted to say for you to savor it more, but like I said this isn't that kind of letter).

You will be ok with it, and you'll gain the skills of cutting people from your life

You will learn that the world isn't kind to your gender, and you'll ask for equality ( the same way you're asking for a new set of paint, which is to say with a lot of care and thinking). You will learn that the world will always be a ******* but there will always be change.

(The world needs its balance)
You will learn that patience isn't really your virtue. But you will learn to grit your teeth and wait.

You will learn to love your self. Even at some point the hate still managed to rear its ugly head. You will learn to be proud of your self and yet still be kind.

And you will continue to write your own story, you will make mistakes and learn from them, you will make unexpected plot twist and pull your favorite cliche. You will learn that not all people like your story and that it's okay.

That is so very okay.

This letter isn't about telling you to change yourself.

It's my way of saying thank you.

Because darling, ****** well done (pun intended)
                                    Love, Your Future Self

P.S :
(This isn't the end, how about we meet up for tea later?)

Keys. Shoved through the letterbox
before I got up-
in an envelope with a note:
Could I (please) feed the cat…
Gone away? Good for her!
Car on the drive. Took a taxi. I think.
To the airport? Didn’t say.
******* with rain-
still, had best leave my shoes on the step just the same.
Obsessed with cleanliness and hygiene-
that’s why he left.
Who, in their right mind, puts cream-coloured carpet in a…?
Door. Not locked. Nearly fell through it.
Strange. She forgot?
Kitchen. Freezer’s empty, switched off.
No cereal. No tins.
Utility room. Spotlessly clean-
twelve! two-kilogram bags of Go-Cat Complete.
Planning to be gone quite a while. I think.
Playroom. Packed up. Kids staying with Nan.
She wants to redecorate before they come home?
Great. A fresh start. I think.
Bedroom. Suitcase on the wardrobe.
Bought a new one? Smaller. Lighter perhaps.
Makes sense. After all- she is travelling alone. I think.
Bathroom. Pristine. Almost empty.
Almost. Macleans and a toothbrush,
in a glass on the sill.
I didn’t think about that.
Until now.

Instagram

Anak: Tay, ano po iyong ingles ng gramo?
Tatay: Gram, anak.
Anak: E 'yong kilogramo po?
Tatay: Kilogram, anak.
Anak: May relasyon po ba ang gramo sa kilogram?
Nanay: anak ng kilogram ang gramo, anak.
Anak: Aaah! Ganun po ba? E 'yong tinatawag na instagram po?
Nanay: Madali lang iyan, anak. Ang tanong mo ba ay kung magkadugo sila?
Anak: Tumango ang anak.
Nanay: Ang instagram ay lolo ng gramo at tatay ng kilogramo.
Tatay: Umalis ka nga sa harapan ng anak mo. Na-bo-bobo ako sa iyo e. Dinadamay mo pa anak mo.

Let’s come
And have a fun
With numbers
To strengthen your balance sheet!

Let’s count.......
‘How many Kilogram of Oxygen you inhale per day?’
‘How many litres of water and energy required
for the food you consume per day?
How much ..................? .......................

Let’s calculate....
“Multiply the already estimated amount
By the total days you already spend on this planet.”
How much .........? ..............................  

Let’s assess the cost..........
“Multiply the amount of Oxygen, Water and Energy
with their respective present market price.”
How much.........? ..............................  

Let’s incorporate everything in your balance sheet,
Repay it to nature and
get the tax clearance from the Planet .......

Catch the bus at quarter to eight
Pack your bags and don't be late
Arrive and your details are wrote
Picture taken, board a speed boat

Meet the tour guide, name is Ung
Four other crew are mostly young
Out with the camera take some shots
Boat is travelling, around forty knots

Bamboo Island is the very first stop
The boat pulls up and off we hop
Beautiful beach it is, nice and white
Crew help the women, extremely polite

Give you a snorkel if you so desire
Swim, paddle or just the view admire
Island is beautiful and the water nice
Close as you could b,e to real Paradise

Next pass by the Viking Cave in the rocks
When told Vikings were there I got a shock
On the walls they painted pictures of their ships
Amazing where they sailed, on their many trips

Bats, not famous in these caves but swallow nests
People protecting them, who would have guessed
Six thousand dollars a kilogram for the nest itself
An aphrodisiac in China for those with much wealth

From there we venture to the sweet Monkey Beach
Monkeys hang from the trees with a long reach
Throw them food and they catch it without fail
Hanging on to the trees with extremely long tails

Some monkeys on the beach, seem to be so polite
But you must be  careful because they often bite
Lots of photos again, information from the staff
Kids are enjoying themselves and having a laugh

Phi Phi Island next for a very delightful lunch
The staff on the island such a helpful bunch
Thai food, rice, seafood, curries hard to beat
Don't go hungry, more food  than you can eat

After lunch walk the beach and along the shore
Talk to Ung the guide, hoping to learn a bit more
A photographic memory Ung had, we did note
Remembered every persons name, on that boat

Soon we boarded once agaiin, trip a bit shorter
Other side of island was beautiful shallow water
People once again go swimming or snorkelling
Creatures on the bottom, some amazing things

Water is so still and it is such a glorious day
I think this place was called Loh Samah Bay
People boarded the boat, they were out of breath
"Save some energy" Ung said "for what's next"

A few minutes later we were all over the moon
Boat put down anchor in a magnificent lagoon
Maya Bay it was called, water warm and crystal clear
Many Hollywood producers had got inspiration here

Hard to say really, what are views like this actually worth?
Probably as close as possible to having a Heaven on Earth
Never before had I seen such a picturesque  sight
Could have stayed there all day and all of the night  

Soon up comes the anchor and the driver drove
The speed boat to the most beautiful Pilch Cove
Could go for a walk, lay on the beach and sleep
Kids could wade in, water warm but not very deep

Venture over the other side, see a magnificent lagoon
Then enjoy the beach once more, we are leaving soon
Soon back on the boat a few drinks, tales we're tellin'
Eat cool fresh fruit, pineapple and juicy watermelon

Everyone seems tired now, especially girls and boys
Speed boat flat out  as captain shouts "Ships ahoy"
Opens up the throttle, boat has extraordinary power
Be back where we started in approximately one hour

Bid the crew  goodbye and  tell Ung he is totally swell
Shake  his hand and take a taxi back to our comfy hotel
Tired and worn out, need a shower, good meal and a rest
Recommend  trip to anybody though, its simply the best

So if you are looking for something to do In Phuket
Take trip to Phi Phi Island, tis one you'll never forget
When on the boat back, I was so glad that I went
One of the best days I reckon that I've ever spent

At first it was a wonderful time. The big Latina's speedy *** is attacked by 2 kilobits of ***** Black Broad *****. White ***** were announced as Aryana Star when the White Guy and Black Wiggers wanted White *****. Kandee Lixx brings her injury, Black ** is ****** in her *** and ***** and is ****** by white people. ****** Ebony ** of the White **** is the third man and Black ***** hears a lot about white people. The black clothes changed the big white bar. Black · Chubby · Black · ***** Whites · Bottom, I blew a ******* horn between a free trial and fun with Delete Lopez · Lucky, BBC skirt · care and white girls Dai Koku and black, black, and black, black, black. black black. black black black · Kitty · White · **** · Big · **** · Black · Cat · Black · Black · **** · Black · **** · Black · Bat 2:2 Black Cat, Black Cat, Black Cat, 2 Chubby Black Black Men, Black *******, *******, Denuded Deep Arts · White · **** DPD4 White Chocolate · King 4 Pumpkin · Chocolate · Cat 2 Beautiful 4 · hard ebony chicks and green ebony prostitutes, whites Cut your cheeks in your ***. 4 - Ebony man comes out of mouth and mouth. Black Fortaca crosses two people instead. Madison Monroe was dissatisfied with two friends for 18 years. Leisha Lush uses two statistics. Ebony · Nicky B. is thirsty with the voice of a furious angry pant and the old monster is thirsty. Five black dolls kissed for the first time at Leila Rey's with ****** eye shadow; 10 fuzzy white ***** 4 for black plot 4 Pekka Pecker 3 Aryana Star's Face was crushed. In White *****, four black candidates are high. Look for DP Ghetto Gaggers. Her round *** is rich in water. *** Marshae's puzzle sensor and ******* White Man 10 Black Hoes fought against the success of the opposition campaign. **** claims Tim Bremer, Timber star has the best team in the history of gypsies. Pregnant police are expecting Europeans to roam around the city. The shadow is cold and thin. Women fall into weapons to overcome the wrong family, enemies, problems, tears. Very small thunder spreads like a hairdresser. My mother must be able to close the north of the dog, watch the tree, talk to Robert, become a good barrier. He came back. Love, please kiss me. It is best to visit the UK for the first time. Take measures for damage. For example, a researcher who is an EU member cannot work in English at Cornell. We borrowed a carrot from Pindar Ingles. My husband has worked in the United States for six years working with the Holy Spirit of Eastwest Peninsula and Finland. White woman with white hair in the dark 1kg. West Boston, Boston, San Oxland lands Europe, did you go safe? 1 At first it was a great time. The large Latina's speed donkey is attacked by two cubits of ***** Black Broad *****. White Guy When Black Whiggers wanted White *****, White ***** was announced at Aryana Star's. Kandee Lixx brings her wounds, Black ** is ****** by her ***, and ***** is ****** by white people. White Cck's ****** Ebony ** is the third guy, and ***** hears a lot about white people. ******* clothes change big white sticks. Black Chubby Black Horn White Bottom. I blow the ******* horn while getting a free trial and fun with the Derailed Lopez Lucky BBC Squirt Care and White girl with big two black solid *****; black, black, white, black, black, black black, *******, black. Color kitty white **** big **** black ***** ******* ******* black *** 2:2 black cat black cat black ***** pumped into white 2 **** black guy white **** ******* before you come down, Deep throats white **** DPD4; white chocolate king 4 And a pumpkin Chocolate Cat For Two big beautiful four men and A Hard ebony chick and a green ebony *******; Caucasian man, Put your cheek on your *** - 4 - Ebony man comes out of donkey mouth. Black Fortasha passes between two people instead. Madison Monroe has been frustrated by two friends for 18 years. Leisha Lush uses two stats. Ebony Nicki B. ****** deep and throated deep throated ******* in the *** mixed with the old monster 5 ***; black chicks for the first time Classic eyeshadow with ****** eyeshadow; Layla Ray kisses 10 fuzzy white ***** for black plot [4 Pecker Pecker 3] Aryana Star Faces Three white ***** are shattered. Four black candidates are high in White Dixie. Look for DP Ghetto Gaggers. There is plenty of her rounded *** in the water. The *** Marshae puzzles sensors and ******* White Men 10 Black Hoes fought against a successful opposition movement. **** claims Tim Bremer Tim Busters has the best team in Gypsy history. Pregnant police expect Europeans to roam the city. Shadows are cold and thin. Women fall on their arms to overcome wrong families, enemies, issues, and tears. A very small lightning spread like a hairdresser. My mother must be able to close the dog to the north, look at the tree, talk to Robert, become a barrier of good quality. He went back. Love, please kiss me. It is best to visit for the first time in the UK. Take action due to damage. For example, a researcher who is an EU member can not work in Cornell in English. We rented carrots from Pindar Ingles. My husband has worked in the United States for six years and worked in the eastern and western peninsulas and Holy Spirit of Finland. One kilogram of white hair around me and a white woman in the dark. Have you been to West Boston, Boston, San Oakland, Europe and Security? one

Mopeds, Mercedes
Dandelions and daisies
Churches
Mosques
Women masked
Exposed eyes
Revealing
More than the body
Ever could.
Lingerie
Sold openly on the street
Olives
By the kilogram
To fast-talking
Fast-walking
Men and women
Young and old.
Ancient ruins,
Ruined
The fall of one civilization
Destroyed
Merely to give rise
To one that will
Only hope to make men
Worth remembering.
Mystery lies
In the lives of artifacts
Bare finger tips
Graze over frescoes
Religion
Art
Expression
Litters every corner
Accompanied by waste
And poppies
Blood red
Amidst the gray haze
Of cigarette smoke
And pollution
Clouding the view
Of snowcapped mountains
Diamond lakes
Undisturbed
Surrounded by
Mopeds, Mercedes
Dandelions and Daisies

I'll compare you to the full moon,
That pulls and pushes the tides.
You are the rain that quenches thirst,
Of a million lavender poppies.
And how I'd like to taste,
The sweet smoke of excess,
That burns behind your lips.
To taste the flowers kindly,
I'll dream of pods and petals tonight.

Giant portions of tender beef; bring me a field of cattle.

Large helpings of diced pork; hunt down the fattest sow.

Unlimited gallons of alcohol; brew the strongest in the land.

Ten times the amount of cheeses; let ever mouse envy me.

Tempt me with exotic women; from every corner of the world.

Order another kilogram of cigarettes; block out the blue of the sky.

Never let the chocolates run out; richer than the sweetest syrup.

You think this is too much?

Your contradictions spawn conflictions in my mind
your left, right means up, down.
Your hello means goodbye!

I love you means...

I can't find the silence, you've got me talking in my sleep
your brazen, media-vomited words burn my eyes at every turn
a facebook generation of mindless self-indulgence. You're herding us like sheep!

Your acceptance means...

Our bodies a £1 per kilogram, a friend request per ******* picture.
All of the reflections have glassed eyes for our souls have been reduced to stocks.
So many cracks in humanity, a group for every side, we don't know why were fighting. To far apart to see the divide.

Your acceptance means I love you.
I love you means you will never be good enough!

So carve my name into your chest
and send me pictures, dear.

Write me letters in the red
and bottle all the tears.

Call me an angel.
Tell them I'm lying.
Scream it 'til your words make sense.

Fill your lungs with hatred
and spew out penitence.

Because you know with all your silent flames
and pledged ambivalence,
You know with all the months and years
of burning my pictures as incense.
You know that I'm your demons.
The burden that you bear.
I drove you to hysteria,
you say I brought you there.

So discard your kilogram of flesh
to punish me, my dear.
Leave it at my doorstep,
sweet nostalgia for my tears.

Tell me I tore you apart.
Whisper that I ripped out your reason.
And I will say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I will say this.

But you never voiced your anguish,
your complete disappointment in me.
How was I to know that it was I
who drove you to insanity?

Lupa kapan terakhir kali tersenyum pada pantulan diri
Memuji senyuman tanpa gincu merah
Merasa cukup saat jarum berputar ke arah 50 kilogram
Atau membuat diri pantas akan segala yang baik

Kapan ya, terakhir kali?

There is the launderette,six kilogram load sitting quite cleanly at the top of the road and next door the 'topstore', continental cuisine,so many things I've never tasted or seen and here is the chip shop,the *** shop and whip shop all bunched together,I wonder whether they know,I have a hunch that they do,that the shop on the corner is called 'appetites come true' ,it's the shish shop,kebab stop,doner popping off the *** and piping chilli,very hot,not a place that I've been to but a place where appetites come true,
and for all destinations at the crossroads a taxi firm,united nations,all licensed to seat me and you and two or even more when specifically ordering a sedan, six door and door to door what the hell are you walking for?
The bus ride is a fantasy through Stratford's heaven on the 257 but why can't it be the 73 and all these lovely shops I see could be sat on the seven sisters gyratory,
I go round and round and all for a pound
or two
but worth it for the lovely view.

It goes from light to dark,
Sweeter than a kilogram of sugar.

Comes in many sizes,
All paid with different prices.

Told by everyone,
Fooled every single one.

Shot harder than an arrow,
Then a jolt of lightning follows.

Grips with claws that can shred,
Stabs like a knife that's jagged.

No matter what its intent,
Pain will be the only thing it implements.

Like a venomous sting,
Poison flows when lying.

The Existential Despair of Diet and Exercise

A banana instead of a bite of cheese
Skipping the butter on ground-acorn toast
The mocking of perfidious calories
One more notch in the belt – feel free to boast!

To the treadmill, now, with your lazy (self)
Off the cliff with those Sisyphean pounds
And a steak for dinner? – just give it a pass
Think yourself skinny, and make hopeful sounds

(Time passes)

A week of denial, now the scales – oh, da(rn):
You lost no pounds; you gained a kilogram!

Phosphorus is a chemical element
with symbol P and atomic number 15.
Elemental phosphorus exists in two major forms,
white phosphorus and red phosphorus,
but because it is highly reactive,
phosphorus is never found as a free element on Earth.
It has a concentration in the Earth's crust
of about one gram per kilogram.
In mammals, the ****** is the elastic,
muscular part of the female genital tract.
In humans, it extends from the ***** to the ******.