My Payless shoes hit Newport ground
Stomping, scraping, scuffling
Through high society.

Talk of politics-
Our coffee is cold
Adjust the thermostat-
Our president is a hero

White walls and cars
And waves of people.
I feel my weight,
The yellowing teeth on my tongue.

I remember
Walking here
When I was a kid.

I laughed louder
And ate more
And didn't wear shoes.

i shaved off all my hair
i thought it was some feminist statement
i thought it was an outer expression of an inner revolution

but now i avoid mirrors and wish to god i could afford a decent wig

i gained 50 pounds
i thought i was saying f*ck diet culture to the man
i thought i was just allowing my body to self-soothe

but i fantasize about the times i used to think i was fat
at least she had hair

i climb into my bed and wish i hadnt thrown out my cigarettes and wish i had hair and wish i was small again and wish i could just sleep for a few more years.

I need feminism
because men are more upset about people saying "all men"
than they are about the fact that 1 in 4 women will be ***** in their lifetime.

Not harassed, not catcalled,
*****
And that is not okay.

I need feminism because out of the four women
I speak to everyday
two of them have been *****
and all four of them can't walk to their car
without sticking their keys through their fingers to
feel the slightest inclination of safety.

I need feminism
because the other day in my math class
a student said "She was asking for it"
and the teacher agreed.  

I need feminism
because when my father wasn't drinking
he was telling me to be a man.

I need feminism
because the way my father taught me to treat women
was to get them drunk.
It's not his fault,
he knew no better.

I need feminism
because my father knew no better.

they laugh at my use of the word 'feminism'
it makes me different, makes me unique.
a woman asking for a voice is like a child asking for a gun.

they cringe at my use of the word 'feminism'
it means i am angry, means i must be gay.
a woman demanding respect is like a beggar asking for more than you're comfortable giving.

i want to feel safe,
i want to be acknowledged,
i want to be valued,
to be seen as a whole person,
not an object of ****** desire-
a mother,
a wife.

i want to go a day without my validity being questioned,
but i am just a girl,
and that's not how things work.

Underwater there is no sound.
No echoes of voices and hatred and loud
Screams of past loves that knock on the door.
Deep under water, that's all from before.
There, you breathe - in and out in and out. There are no consequences, no shame, no doubt.
There I am free.
Yet
It remains.
A soft, subtle beat.
No matter the pain, regardless of name, it remains.
It just
Won't
Go Away
My heart kept beating,
Though I begged it not to stay.

i go back sometimes
to when you were love to me,
the first introduction i'd ever have to intimacy.

i go back
to two months ago,
when we held hands for the last time,
denial of what would happen the minute we walked outside.

we let love control us,
we let lust contort us,
we let ourselves become dependent on a relationship with an expiration date.

i go back
to two days ago,
when you told me we couldn't be friends.
i remember intermittently,
the warmth that i felt.

There is violence
In this silence
In the words that you don't speak

Accusation
In excommunication
That lasts for months and weeks