her patience was starting to wear thin, impatience growing as one of the pervs from the table across his eyes preying on her. she gave him the finger and her hardest glare.

where the hell are you  she typed out, texting him

be there in ten i kinda just got out of bed...sorry

she just sighed looking out the glass panes that gave a view of the busy street, letting her thoughts wander. sam was waiting for her bestfriend, noah to show up. she was going to help him find a flower shop that caters black roses. he was going to give it to jean, the girl of his dreams as he liked to call her (sam just knew how much of a cliche he was underneath; they barely had a conversation in which he didn't insert her-sam stuck up with it and listened to him, always assuring him that he's going to get her who wouldnt)

"sorry im late" he says, panting as he arrives, varsity jacket slung in his arms

"you owe me" sam says cooly, ignoring the drum pounding in her chest. he looked like he always did; and gave off the same effect to all the girls in town (he had quite a following though he didn't mind)

playfully he rolls his eyes at sam and the two walk their way into his beat up camaro (which was very good at overheating and taking too long to start)

"bet this thing would come up with its tricks again" sam started with their usual banter

"oh hell no it's got my back"

"your flat back"

"my bootiful ***"

sam scoffed "wanna bet?"

"game on" noah smugly retorts with the smug smirk on his face that showed off his angelic structures

"on three two....." sam had her fingers crossed please don't work please don't

noah tried gunning the engine a few more times, turning the key into the hole over and over again but the engine kept dying. he tried for one more time;it was a miracle that it did. he faced sam who's face turned down into a frown. "ha you owe me now"

"i owe you none" she says slumped in her seat though deep inside she was enjoying this. their friendship had alot of these immature playfulness which she usually started.

"just buy me an extra waffle cone and we're even"

"*******"

noah laughed and sam heard the lilt in his laugh that she grew fondly of. they drove off the road with only the radio to filter the silence for a while. sam started tracing patterns on the car window.

she felt something for noah and it wasn't something she expected, neither was it something she was looking for. the first time they ever interacted was in a class they both had. his eyes had that mischievous spark that day and  he wore a devilish grin-sam thought he was the perfect guy to turn into one of her casualties or better yet get his heart broken. but all they did after class that day was hangout and drive around town. sam was quite shocked with the numerous things they have in common. since then, they've meant alot to each other. although it was different for sam. sometime in their friendship she started feeling something for him, someting more than friends do .she hated it; the thought of it made her want to rev her guts out;

she was never the type to like guys or girls and fantasize about them being together or even feeling the same way. she was the type of girl who played with guys for a night (a week was her longest) whenever she felt like it. she toyed with their hearts and felt satisfied when she saw them with tears in their eyes. she felt no remorse for leaving them in the gutter. she was never vulnerable  she was a heartbreaker. she was that type of girl. but with noah it was all different, it was all new. it was like being on the other side of the spectrum

it frustrated her, all of it. most of all the fact that she couldn't do anything about it. she couldn't just steal him away from jean especially now that he stood a chance. plus, he was serious about her, sam could tell-even if she tried making moves on him, he'd leave because that wasn't how he knew her-they went so well together: her being on the cheerleading squad with her perfect friends and her perfect grades, perfect life ahead and him being the quarterback of the football team and the perfect college waiting for him, heir to his father's company someday-they were the power couple. they deserve each other sam thought bitterly. she could be one of the "perfect" girls in her school if she tried. but she didn't, didn't find the need to because why bother? she'd rather be on the outside and deal with her own company and just resurface whenever she felt like it. he had dreams;she didn't. she was just a heartbreaker, a mess.

yet she didn't want to lose noah; couldn't lose noah-it wasn't a risk she was willing to take. around him she let down the high walls she usually was encaged in and instead had vine trellises wrapping around her almost as if caressing her. it wasn't like in the movies but it was a **** cliche which she felt in gradual waves.she could hear wind chimes in the edges of her nicotine corrupted lungs whenever she was with him and none of the nails splintering against board in the emptiness of her house she felt in the dark while her sister slept soundly in the next room, none of the stale unfamiliarity of her mother working herself thin in her round the clock shifts, staggering home the next morning smelling like alcohol. she felt something other than the hollow in her stomach when she's out partying with strangers, the bass sounding too much like her heart breaking and her existence decomposing. she felt none of the filth she did when she slept with guys and let them make love with their exes through her body. she felt none of all the ugliness, heard none of the monsters' calls. noah made her feel pure. made her feel bliss. there was no irony, no catches, no waiting for the other shoe to drop in what they shared.

some days she's accepted that they'd always remain platonic, that it was better for them to stay this way. but today wasn't one of those days, for it was one where she wanted nothing but to plant her lips against his and make him tell her that he feels the same, for him to wrap her arms around her and bury her face in the crook of his neck, drown in all their memories, become the memories become an us. it wasn't love but he made her feel loved.

her daydreams were cut short when noah parked the car infront of the flower shop near the outskirts of town. she smoothed her hair as noah opened the car door for her. she felt her palms sweat, immediately telling her brain that he was really just sweet and it's jean that he likes stop spewing up hurricanes and thunders for every sweet thing he does.

"so first stop"

"i still don't get why you can't just buy her a bouquet of plain roses and spray paint it black. i'll help out yknow" she replies in her usual mocking way as they enter the shop, the floral fragrance enveloping them.

"because you gotta put all your effort and your heart to get her"

"yeah right, hey you gotta put effort in spray painting too yknow like shaking the can and making sure the roses are all covered. we can cover your heart in black paint as well if we still got any left" she replies sarcastically as they start perusing for black roses.

he rolls his eyes at his best friend, throwing one of the discarded dandelions at her direction. she picks one up and throws it at him quickly. it was only a matter of minutes til they were both on the floor laughing, sneezing in intervals, dandelions scattered around them. the florist scolded them when he saw the mess they caused and made them pay for a daisy and a petunia boquet that was haphazardly upturned in their rowdiness-no black rose in sight.

sam laughed as noah took out his wallet and paid the florist who's face was now red. she heard him mutter a sheepish apology and for a moment, she allowed or tried to let herself get lost in the fact that she and her bestfriend were spending the day together she tried to forget that she was spending the day with him to help him be with the girl that he likes.

There has to be more, the more that takes you around the corner to the park
to the grocery store and to the bohemian hangout
the more that takes you around the world, to the highest cliffs

to the foreign currency exchange booth, to the flowers growing on the side of the road
the more that brings you to your hometown
to the tea cooling on your mother’s table
to wearing old house slippers
The more is for “the you”
who knows the "it" is built on that, which came before it
because the "more"
lives in the comfort of knowing
somewhere it has a home
(where it takes root)

Magical silence of Midnight..
as we ponder moments of life.
Solemn  thoughts at tranquility..
Virtues guiding our pursuit..
Images of distant loves..blurr our waning thoughts..
Envisaged You through virtual reality
of thirty years or some more
so ago,
I haven't encroach Thy heart
to no one but You.
A rare bloom floret to my sight!
Beauty Ahah!,,I cant resist this thorn in my Rose Garden.
"And tempted by the charming fragrance of
the blooming gardener".- whom He divulged:
                "Purple bloom reflects a purple heart that expresses love unsurpassed,,,I am writing these words  with my crimson blood ,, to equal thy charm the glow of your love"
He recounted to me over.
Then I know I behold to keep it in my
cognizant jeweled mind, oh so dear.
With my long blondish brown hair
swaying softly cool but warm.
Truly though agitated by the
earthly abating absence-
of Your tangible touch.
Unsurpassed by my astral dream
with much ado!
Gladly remembering You,
in my fervent thoughts.
Thereby cherishing you
on times when things make sense
to me-
out of distress,
to madness so unlikely permeates.
When I am down in anguish, I couldn't weather!
                      "Let the beauty of the woven words ,,
                        guide Your day into fruitfulness, so deary,
                        "Let the rhythm and cadence gives You music in Your restlessness."
  Sir I said, ' I love You" withal affirms..
                       "Let the laughter of my jokes, '
                         lighten Your burden, ease Your yoke,
                       "Let the fire of fiery words be Your armor n silent sword!"
Woe to me as I heed to hearken and thirst for more!
                       "Let d spell of Your poignant smile,,
                         fills my cup instead of wine,,so that I may lie in deep slumber
                         as I gulp Your sweet nectar so divine!"
                         T'is lady  Rose ( scientific name liigaiea vellenoeva) is the best
                         of them all,,
                       I wanna pick her!'
He likewise and inadvertently  told thine.
Along came my sweet behold, I so to keep.
Love such a splendor, undeniably volatile,
in total intimacy desperately onto
conjures.
Yodeling and Yonder fire churning escapades,
To someday crossed our paths
should not perish, So afar!
I beseech thee, make me a swell great day!
Even though  fuming flowers and bees so abounds!
In a ROSE  minted heartland
truly endowed.
Thy thorn so stuck amidst for
You and me
For every storm to grasp its thrushes,
Be res-assured nifty and dandy
For you my daddy
to come Home to,
and hangout together.
That pokes and pukes
Lingered though day in day out,
colloquially.
From jive to logic.
From sane to insanity.
Only one soldered Thorn sojourns!

I want to be friends with the Sun
You know, like hangout, have fun and shoot the breeze
OK, I know it's hot, strong, powerful and super blazing
But it must be pretty lonely hanging there on its own
I mean, what fun can you have nuclear-izing all the time

It should chill a little, the Sun
I could get it to smoke a cheroot, come to a barbecue
Perhaps have a fiery whiskey or a ginger beer with a zing
We could go to hell's Kitchen and have a well singe T-bone
I'll even take it to a Tanning saloon to see its competitors work

Yip, I'll really like to be friends with the Sun
First though, its got to really cool down and be calm
Why all the the fire, the explosions and relentless blazing
Look how long its been going on, any wonder he hangs alone
Like, its got to know too much heat is good for no one

So, I'm going to go hang out with the Sun
About time it has a friend and some sound advise
Maybe I should take along some Fire-fighters just in case
But it's got to know, we come in peace, not to douse it down
It's all fire with the Sun, but it should know that Fire, fire fire
Is only good in Hell and that's not a place for our lovely Sun


Anybody got a long distance Rocket...anybody...?



Coyright. LaurenceA.29thJuly2018. All rights reserved

When i was ten I asked mom to hire a stripper instead I got a sitter.
Still I saved my allowence in hopes cause im no quiter.
In highschool I got busted drinking in the parking lot.
So I ratted on the teachers on the lounge who to which I sold ***.

My first girfriend was math teacher.
She said I was the devil dumped my **** now she's the wife of a preacher.
Its hell to drink alone thats why you can find me at the bar.
that guy cutting jokes hitting on anything in a skirt yeah hampsters you know who I are.


I been behind bars for some things I say I didnt do.
Trouble loves me so.
Im at christmas like santa how I love a **.
cant figure my direction to the this mystery you really dont need a clue.

Got eight dui's fifteen drunken in public a partridge and a pair tree.
When the judge asked son are you insane.
My reply was hell amigo im just being me.

I borrwed a car and took it for a short five state trip.
And when the cop pulled me in Atlanta I just raised my glass and asked hey friend wanna sip.
They call me Gonzo.
I love whiskey strippers and *******.
Ive dated a **** star  who left me cause she was worried id hurt her image
cause she  thought I might be insane.

Burned down the highschool for lack of nothing better to do.
Yeah schools out  wanna marshmellow  mister long fellow.
I'll pass on the long walk on the beach why not just head for the dunes and have a
cheap *****.

***** old man whos still kinda young.
Living till I die  lets hit the bar I'll take another hit till im in the iron lung.
Im so good at being bad.
***** the truth just make up how many ya had.

One last round till I hit the ground.
Do ya ever wonder how it would be.
To cast care to the wind and hang with me?

Nobody likes ya well sure i do.
Well maybe till I wreck your car  call you at four in the morning to ask hey ya sleeping?
Light fire to the forest just taking a **** and borrow your life savings maybe throw a party at your expense.
Just have some innocent fun and forget to check ID's.
Tape the preachers daughter  getting nauthy sell it straight to dvd.
look a girls got expenses im just saying someone slap me.

So really wanna hangout?
Come on im not that bad trust me.
Im worse.

So enjoy that life so normal  take your pills.
Work your **** off for the weekend and sleep ease as you nap.
That you really dont run with the Gonzo
So stay crazy hampsters and of course avoid the clap.


                          Cheers from your favorite
                                         Madman

Here I am, with the same energy as when I first met you.

You wanted to bury me so many times.
You said  last time that I was  too young to hangout with you.

And so you were at war with your mind because of it.

We met in summer.
 In that bar where I used to sing Blues.

You tried to look for me in others, but nobody has what I have.

The free spirit, the contagious energy of the 70's and the poetry in the eyes

So many times I lost myself in your kisses.
I felt so alone without you around.

You are so charismatic, you are  so involvent.
 I tried to remember when our souls met...
While I  caressed your gray hair.

Ecsaty was what you called me.

I lived high and alone.

You asked me so many things  that night.
If I was happy to  live ...

Are you afraid of die?
Are you afraid to scream?
Are you afraid to give in?

 All the questions were answered when I kissed you.
Your skin on mine.
 I like to feel it.

While you played guitar and sang blues.
You said I deserved diamonds, wreaths and serenades.
I could not contain myself when you were with me.
It was so clear that you were the one for me.

Put your hand on my waist.

 Every time you tightened my waist, your desire for me increased.

I could feel your breath catching.
You took off my clothes and I took yours.
And you almost have a heart attack.

Because you find yourself admiring my  naked and wet body.
You said that I was a fascinate young woman.
My moans were like a song to you
 You got lost in the sound of my moans.
You were lost in my body.

 I smelled young spirit .
You said that I made you dream so high.
See the universe you could explore in my body.
Being able to touch me and to achieve what only you can.
You said I was magnetic, I had something that reminded you of freedom and made you want to live.
Every time you moaned I felt alive.
You spoke in my ear that that you liked when I was wild.
 I can not imagine how this moment can someday become a forgetfulness

But life with you makes more sense.
Every time our souls met, it was an intense moment.
When I am with you, I can not find direction in my heart.
 I am lost
Lost in you.

You said it was our last night tonight

Are you going to leave me again?

 Do you want to start a fight between your heart and your mind again?

 Are you not tired of your rollercoaster of emotions?

All I know is that you don't want to say goodbye.

Ok apparently I didn't get a chance talk to  you in person , so Imma just text you abt it.//I had/have a crush on you(explains the panda picture) . I had a crush on you like way before we ever talked, it was like the start of 1st semester and I used to hangout with Bhanu and Laxman. Acha ok so these guys were talking ABT who they like in class and Bhanu said 'aniketha' and then they asked me I didn't know your name back then but I told "the girl with the specs" and I pointed at you , idk why I had a crush on you it's prolly cause of your vibe and  you were kinda cute.Acha ok so I had made up my mind to like try to avoid you and like never talk to you to you

Salt in the air
Grit on my legs
Smoke in my lungs

578 days on and my only memories of you have been swallowed by the lapping tongue of the sea, have I ever seen you somewhere other than the edge of an unforgiving ocean? Did we spend all of our formative years splashing and smiling? Did we only spend so much time on the water because you or I or both of us loved it?

If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can see you elsewhere. At the end of a carpeted hallway, doubled over in a laugh shaking the walls. Drunk in the back of a car, wrestling with a seat belt. Perched on the top of a structure we used as a degenerate hangout, adjusting your camera. But still, the vision of you on a beach or cliff are the ones that sit on top of my portraits and stills in my mind.  

I find myself by the sea on your birthday, the second one you haven’t seen. Do we celebrate without you? Do we celebrate for you? I pick up sand in my fingers and whisper secrets meant for you and let them slip back through the cracks, the gossip filled grains meet the earth and I hope they scatter to you. I can only see your face by the water, I hear your laugh in the waves, and I wonder if you live in every swell and crash. Where do you live for other people?

When it is my time to go, will I be returned to the sea the same as you,
and will you meet me there?

You want to be near me
but also have your space.
Fiercely independent spending days in bed
gives way to the shisha hangout.

                              In one moment, an ecstatic smile
                              is murdered by your melancholy eyes.  

You're confidence surges when you're straddling me;
a tiger ready for the passionate bite
yet you cry like a sick kitten at your own reflection.

                              You don't mind holding hands, kissing my forehead  
                              but then tell me you've just been pretending.

You tell me "I love you,"
but then "I don't know what love means."

                               You feel something is missing
                               yet are most comfortable laying next to me.

And yet I don't mind all of these contradictions...
for some reason I still want to be in your presence
because I have faith and hope that one day
you will see how much mental anguish
emotional confusion yet pure white-hot
right from the sun warmth you've given to me.
And I hope and have faith that one day
you will see what I mean when I speak
I LOVE YOU
into your heart and soul.

We hangout together for the first time
And was doing nothing on that mean while,
With the romance full of plate
with spring rolls on date,
The worth time we spend was best,
The world goes around my soul,
I felt of being so special on that role,
We are onn for the next half hour
And wanted to engrossed on that moment to be assured,
Time was in haste
But we were slow
We couldn’t found it in our flow.
I moved little more,
And as I took,
Suddenly he whispered
And gave me a look
I thought of asking but I continue my walking,
I bellied for the worst thing goes around
For his taste I did not know anything about.
But, there was something,
Which proved me wrong,
I observed the strength of love of our
And felt the the difference
After that hour.
Love you pratik, thanks for the ring.

We shot the movie
in chrome-based Black and White
Thinking we were '80's hipsters
with a sharp postmodern overbite

And three days later
we were cracking up
in the editing room
over a three-way monologue
on horrible lighting
in midday TV living rooms

Well that was July
and now August is ******* us off
My fashionably long hair is turning mulleted
and I've picked up
an off-season cough

And now you're somewhere in Brooklyn
trying to catch a break
Your hair's been cut
into a schoolboy's bob
and your new friends all
look like fakes

I'd never thought it'd be you
when I'm staring at a screen
it's funny how later in life
we focus
on what we once thought
were inbetweens

Our old friend is working like a robot
trying to make the weekend fit
I guess he supposes it's better
to be lit up just for christmas
than for the constant party graveyard shift

And I guess I'm supposed to believe you
when you tell me
"it's all still pretty fun"
eating beans for breakfast and supper
and spending Saturday nights on your own

But maybe I'm just jealous
there's probably a lot of truth in that
I suppose i'm just getting nostalgic
for the days when I was the only boy
who could make you laugh

The three of us never cut it off too severely
so I'm banking on that long weekend
were we'll meet up in some ex-undergrad hangout
and pretend we're all still best friends

"If we were born five years earlier"
Remember, I used to tell you
"We all won't be so cursed
I guess you were right in saying,
"our lives are going to take on the plot
of Metropolis, but in reverse"

12% why does my father treat me like his son instead of daughter
15% library inside ribs, it holds a world instead of lungs
21% school is an injury education is attempting to bandage
29% there is a reason i used a calculator for these percents
33% hangout with nature and let it break your heart

It all started with a big mistake;
I’m here to tell it was all a big fake.
Fred hit Kelly in his great big mouth;
He said he caught Kelly at his girl’s house.
Rosie was jealous of Fred’s main squeeze;
Said she always does what she pleases.
So, she cooked up the story about her.
And Kelly never knew a thing either.
But that didn’t stop the fur from flying.
I tell you the truth, if I’m lying I’m dying.
The mood changed in the old hangout.
Everyone stuck around, nobody cut out.

Everyone was gathered for birthday cheer.
You know, some pool and some beer.
Nobody knew about Rosie’s big lie
Or what kind of crap would soon fly.
They just laughed and cracked jokes;
Enjoyed some legal and illegal smokes.
And when the mood was sufficiently jolly
Rosie quietly took Kelly out into the ally.
Said she saw Kelly go into the house
Fred started fuming, calling Kelly a louse.
He went back in and he smacked old Kelly
And followed it up with a shot to the belly.

While Kelly was reacting, Fred purely raged.
He wasn’t quite done, was not even assuaged.
But Kelly’s girl Lydia heard what Fred said
And smacked Rosie up side of her head.
She started screaming that Rosie was a liar,
And then there were two more irons in the fire.
It was two women and two men slugging.
The Fist City Express started chugging.
Mirrors were broken by costly pool sticks
The bartender finally got tired of the tricks
And got out his baseball bat and stepped in.
Rosie ******* up and hit him on the chin.

By now, a customer called nine one one,
And the end of the brouhaha had begun.
All four of the combatants were busted.
And the cops finally decided they trusted
The regular customers who all insisted
That the bartender not be arrested.
It might be good to say it was a big shame
But fights in bars are the name of the game.
Especially when women fight, it’s a show
And bystanders in bars always let them go
And then cheer and some even take bets.
This is how selling alcohol to fools often gets.

To the one who loves her next,

She doesn’t believe in killing things. So next time you want to squish a spider and she yells in refusal, don’t tell her she’s overreacting. Let her pick it up and release it outside peacefully. Otherwise, she’ll feel guilty for hours.

She is a total textbook introvert. She won’t reply for hours and sometimes you won’t see her for a week. You might take this personally. Don’t. She’s simply taking care of herself and she’ll tell you how much she missed you while she was away (most likely at 3 am).

She won’t get very jealous. But don’t take this as a sign of not caring. She does, she just respects people’s space and trusts you. However, don’t break this trust or you will never regain it back.

On a related note, make sure you trust her too. Most of her friends are guys that she will want to hangout with, sometimes without you there. Do not act suspicious or controlling, this is how you will lose her. No one comes before her friends. (Except her dog).

She is the most independent woman I know. But this doesn’t mean she won’t want affection. Let her know you love her. Kiss her forehead. Write her letters, cute notes, and texts. She will notice and will keep all of them in a box specifically designated for you. At this point you should know you’re special to her.

Remember the way she takes her coffee and go out to coffee shops together every now and then. She enjoys the atmosphere and finds it relaxing.

When she’s having an anxiety attack, wrap her up in your arms and rub her back. Tell her she’s safe and remind her that she has medication if she needs it.

Go on adventures with her. Anywhere and everywhere. Her craving for exploration is high, and needs someone willing to tag along. Or even better, show her new places she hasn’t been to. It’s something she will never forget.

Watch documentaries with her, and read her favorite books. It’s a great way to understand her better, because words and feelings aren’t her forte.

If you cannot do these things, let someone else. That girl deserves the world. She will love you with all she’s got. Please give her the same.

Give her your all and she’ll return the favor. You will never have to ask the universe for anything ever again.

I can't figure myself out
I hangout with thugs
I dress like a prep
I act like a blonde
I read books
I write poems
I dance like I'm in a hip hop  video
I listen to punk rock
I have different hobbies from my friends
I love them too death
They love me too death
Yet they don really know me
I feel complicated

"How do I love thee?
          ..."
I have a few,
But to be honest I'm surprised I have so few
For the amount I love you cannot be represented in number.

I love you and your free,
hippie-like spirit
And love for the fun of life
Your childlike joy for
Things I know,
I should appreciate more.

For the way you show me you care so much
Is exactly how
I see me in my picture perfect relationship,
Everything I need
To make me a happier, better person.

"Promise?"           "Always."

But that is how I know you
In the islands they call *natures little secrets,
Doing incredible things,
For 16 days,
While 15 strangers become a family.

Oh we were the lucky ones,
Those two likeable, teenagers with a childlike love
A truly lovely relationship
One you see in movies
Ones that make you go,
Awe and smile
But we're not there anymore.

And you're so far away from me
And the incredible-ness had
A time limit
And if I could have it everyday I would
No question,
No hesitation.

And I want you in my everyday life
My routine.
I want to kiss you goodnight,
Walk with you to get coffee,
Say Hi,
At random friend sightings
While walking,
With you.
And get ice cream with you
And go on dinner dates
And greet my dad with me when he gets home from work
And come with me to my sisters graduation
And feel the way I'd feel
If you asked me to prom.

I want to do weird things
And have you act like
My best friend
And I want you to calm me down
When me and my friends
Get in fights
And I want to feel the warmth of your arms
Wrapped around me
And the beat of your heart
And the sound of your breath
Even your ****** twitches,
Which happen mostly when you're tired,
As often as I want.
And deal with the rough patches of our lives
Together, side by side.

But I can't have that.

I went through hell
Then god gave me you...

          For 4 weeks,

                    Out of two years.
Then we're pulled back to our average lives
Spent with the same people
Following the same authority
Doing familiar things
Everyday.
Except you're doing those things
To the breeze of Puget Sound
And I'm doing them to the smell
Of the Atlantic Ocean,
The Bahstan Hawbah,
If you will.

And I miss you so much
And I get so jealous
Of the girls you hangout with
And I hate the fact that
When I'm going to school,
You're sleeping soundly.
You won't be awake
For another two hours.
And I want to text you and
Say I can't wait to see you
And that school will make me shoot myself
And I love you most
And ask how your day was
And that my mom got me that thing I showed you the other day
       ...
But I cant.

It makes me so sad.
You are everything
And I love you so much,
Love or whatever this fantastic feeling this is,
The most out of any amount I have ever felt.
And I want to have it forever.

How do I love thee? Let me tell you how...

I love every little thing about you, and I want to make more memories with you, and I know we will have many many more, because I know the love I have for thee is one to last for years.

I never asked you to touch me.
My limbs were heavy with sleep as you moved over me,
Doing things that I wouldn’t let you do earlier, when we were awake.
My first slumber party with a college boy took a turn at 3 AM
My eyes rolling back in my head,
And I felt your hands pulling the tops of my jeans down over my legs
Sleeping, I must be sleeping, dreaming, I must be dreaming…

Did you kiss me? I don’t remember
What did you do to me?
I don’t remember. Did I say yes, no, maybe, please?
I don’t remember.

But in the morning, I was staring at the ceiling while you slept, thinking
About my friend
Whose boyfriend pushed her down onto the bed
Calling her a tease and saying that if they were going to stay together
She was going to have to fulfill all of his needs…

And my Christian friend, who saw that cute guy at a party
And all night he kept complimenting her, bringing her drinks,
Until they slipped away into one of the back rooms,
And he forced her down to the floor, on her knees.
She called me the next morning, crying
Asking if I could please go pick up something for her.
“What?”
“God, this is so embarrassing… ok… I need a Plan B”.

And now I’m thinking about my ex, who had asked
His crush over to hangout and watch some Netflix
And
He was never sure what exactly happened, but
First they were kissing, then things escalated and
She took charge of his body, his hands and
A few days later he was standing in line to get an STD test.

I remember enough, though, enough from last night to know that
We didn’t have ***.
So.
Things could always be worse, I tell myself.
Things could always be worse… I guess.

Dear Ex;

It seems you've perfected the art of lying
To a level I didn't think could be surpassed after my ex

It's been over a year since we first met
I wish I had seen the lies behind those hazel eyes

It's almost the month we broke up, and you moved out
And moved right into someone else's bed

Devastated I took off running, sobbing the whole time
Retracing every step we'd taken to figure out when it really ended

But, then suddenly you reappear like a ghost in the night
Haunting me to the point I just gave in so the push and pull would stop

It never stopped. Not for a very long time, and you remained oblivious to the pain you were causing me
But, yet there I was every time you called

You couldn't make up your mind and went from "just friends" to "open dating" to "i dont ******* know "
But, you can scratch out friends b/c "just friends" don't act and do the stuff we did. Nope.

And I don't care if two former lovers decide to "stay friends" They don't hangout like 6 days a week
And they don't kiss, cuddle, or sleep in each others beds..... Especially, when one had moved on

I spent my whole last summer with you, half your girlfriend and other who the hell knows
But, I was far from just your friend... It angers me how you couldn't admit it THEN or NOW

Your lies are still spreading like wild fire all over town
Yet, I am the only one getting burned. Everyone else just stands on the side lines, safe from the blaze

You're so far away from me, yet your presence feels like its right next to me
But, I can't smack an invisible feeling

You act so innocent, as if everything was written so clearly, how could I ever misunderstand??
When you're dating a girl, but you tell your ex she's the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU in the world..... I guess it got me confused

Waking up everyday to you being in my bed
Sitting on the couch watching movies, snuggled up
I have some guy friends, and we've never cuddled, kiss, of slept in the same bed

I'm starting to feel you're just a child
A boy with no clue that his actions affect the people around him

I've been love sick over you for a year. A year!
A year wasted, devoted to someone whose real problem is, he can't be alone

My anger is blinding, I see nothing but red , and I'm ok with that
You don't deserve all the free passes you got, and when this relationship you built with a house of cards falls in every which way... Not one part of me will feel pity for you

You think you're above us, you most definitely think you're above me. Ha, you couldn't be that honest on a good day
I may have my problems, that make it difficult to be w/me, but I own them. You were offered multiple ways out, multiple times and you stayed

I can't live like this anymore
I can't live with so much emotion toward a person whose in denial about everything that happened
Whether I'm furious at you, of wasting away in my own tears... The clock is ticking and I don't want to wake up one day with an empty bed and just flooded thoughts of you

I would've done anything for you, taken a billet for you
You couldn't handle that raw emotion because, you're terrified of your own

Keep letting her control you and lead you down a path, willingly or not
Sleep next to her at night, staring at the window, wondering what the hell is missing in your life
Why rolling over and watching her sleep won't fill that void

You'll waste more time than you realize, you think you're so young, but that clock never stops ticking
And by the time you realize where your arrogance has gotten you
It'll be far to late to make the change, you should've made years before

Never again will I wait for you, listen to your hollow words, or believe those forced tears or maybe real tears....
But, my patience and sympathy has long run out for you
They'll never measure up to the amount I've cried

I'm not going to be typical and just say "I've let him go." But, my fingers uncurled, my knuckles have color in them again
My hand is fully open, the fantasy, false hope and unrealistic senerios just shatter across the floor
There's spots of blood on some of the shards from cutting me as they fell...

I laugh a laugh I've never heard myself make before
I walk across the broken glass, I don't feel a thing. I see my ****** footsteps behind me as I make my way to the door

I unlock the door, and squint as the bright, hopeful sun hits my eys, tear stained but no longer crying
Blood drips down my fingers and I feel it in between my toes
Still there is no pain

You perfected the art of lying
I perfected learning to remain alive through intense, endless at times, pain

I shut the door behind me, I don't lock it
I want you to walk in when no one answering the knocking
I want you to feel a rush of panic run through your veins as you wonder if I'm lying dead in this house somewhere, you've called my name, no response

The neighbors stare as I continue up the street, some asking if I need help
I shake my head no, with a genuine grin on my face

I've been on sitting on the other side, the borderline of where shattering glass shocks you into the real world again
I was afraid of facing the pain, of leaving this house and never having "someone like you" in my life again

I laught uncontrollably at that thought
Yours no more than a little boy, with issues he can't face, so you just harp on others

You're still standing in the shards of all the broken glass
You bend down, a picture of you and I, in shambles covered in my years and my blood, the very blood that pumps through my heart which you once had

You call out my name, it just echoes around the empty house, left in shambles that we once called home
You stare at the picture of me and you, a tear maybe slides down your cheek.. I can't be sure
You begin to move around the glass in the room calling out "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

It's beyond too late,  I'm gone with ****** footsteps behind me, and a smile on my face
I don't glance back one time, my neck feels like its be twisted like an owls
I can't imagine turning around, after finally just letting my heart shatter on the ground
I was free

You're in the living room now
Tables&chairs; flipped over, torn love letters all over the floor, along with ripped up pictures of you and I
Suddenly you feel an ache in your chest

But, you've mastered the art of lying, you cried wolf too many times
I mastered the art of living in pain for so long,
With each step a piece of glass falls from my foot

And my ****** footprints fade away with every passing step further away from you

I mastered the art of leaving you, when you needed me most....
While you still scream out desperately "I'm sorry!"

Soon you'll master the art of what it's like to spend the rest of your life living in guilt
And wanting a person who you forgot about so long ago
And now, I'm slowing mastering the art of forgetting you

What are friends for..
Let's hangout
Having fun
leaving the outside world figure itself out
Try and fit in
Be the opposite of yourself
You're loved for who you're not
And hated for your great mutations
Filled with void of perfect hypocrisy
Would you keep me in your memory?
I'll shelter you and be your apology

You still didn't call
Probably busy sitting on a chair
But I understand..

I was killed by my kindness
And my pride got buried
Called me your *****
In front of your friends
And yes I was..
Fulfilling your deficiencies
But doesn't end well
I took your life
Cause mine never existed
It was always kept in a shell

I'm going home,*
says the bat
at the break of dawn
Going straight
to my hangout!


Yawn...says the cat
...stretch...stretch...stretch...
*Is it morning already?
Let's see -
what's to eat at home...?

i guess some would say that its just easier to push the ones you love away, instead of sticking around and watching them leave you instead. but absence is absence and leaving hurts too, because either way someone’s being ripped away from you and i don’t think that dull ache ever truly goes away. we just grow numb to it, become unaware and pretend that breathing isn’t hard. even though it is. even though it kills you sometimes just to take a deep breath because shards of everything broken inside of you never truly go away, they just resemble into something else that you either love or hate and end up poking your lungs when you find someone new, letting you know “oh hey! this is scary!” but the point of this is to say, absence hurts like a ***** no matter how it hits you. and maybe its insensitive to say, but you need to appreciate the people you have right now because you never know when you will run out of what seems like an endless succession of tomorrow’s because everything does come to an end at some point. so please, with everything inside of me, im begging you, make the most out of today. tell everyone you love them, shout it as loud as you can, scream it. im not much of a person for saying i love you unless i truly mean it, but please, gather what’s inside of you and tell them. tell them before its too late, appreciate them, call them, text them, go hangout with them, hold them close because when you have a tomorrow that comes and you lose someone you’ve loved with every fiber of your being, that’s what ***** you up inside. it leaves you broken, so broken you can’t even fathom enough life inside of you to breathe for a while and so you become blue and you kind of fade away into the sky and you go away for a while, you vanish from all that you’ve known because when someone you love is ripped away and you’re forced to say goodbye, it’s kind of like hearing every “i love you” and “i hate you” all at once. it’s deafening, numbing, overwhelming and its not something you come back from easily. and i know it hurts how nothing is promised forever but sometimes there’s solace in that. because that means the bad won’t last forever, this darkness won’t surround you forever, these wounds will not bleed you dry forever. so please, hold onto the things close to you even closer. and love. love with everything you’ve got, love until it makes you ******* bleed and remember, you choose who you bleed for. so when you bleed yourself dry, i hope you can see it in you that it was worth it. i hope the person you bleed for also bleeds for you. i hope that that the person you love, loves you back just as much. i hope your heart heals, and more than anything, i hope you find it in you to love when there isn’t much left. love will save you if you let it. please, let it.

Mother,
Won't you hold me tight
And say life will be bright
And it will be alright

Mother,
I'm not ready yet
To leave your nest
The world's a cruel place
I feel scared
Scared to leave your embrace

Father,
I need advice,
Hold my fingers,help me walk
On this unnerving path unknown
I cannot do this alone

Mother,
I don't want to grow up
Do things I have never done
How to strike conversation
It's happening to fast,it's all too much
I'm yet too young

Take me back to 2015
When I was young and carefree
When exams were my only worries
Now trials arrive in flurries

Grandma,
Please come back
I want sleep once more in your lap
Hear stories of the fairyland
Kiss once more your wrinkled hand

Buddies,
Let's be together once more
There are things you can't do over the phone
Come on,let's hangout as friends
I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

Why can't I remain a child forever
Have fun with my school mates
Waste hours watching cartoons
Not worried by world affairs
Take me back to the golden days

Now I have to choose a college
After sometime,get a job
Survive on my own
Talk to people i haven't met before
What if I fail
What if I crash
What if my dreams are thrown into thrash

Mother,
I'm still a child
I do not know what is my worth
Don't leave me,ma
I'm still a child
I'm not ready for the real world

Everything's changing
And so fast
But family will
Forever last
I know I am lucky that I can say that

Guide me through
Guide me through
Guide me through
This age of angst

Im just trying to fall in love with myself
Its better than investing in somebody else
I can make myself happy.
I don’t have, think what someone will think
If I drink,
If I stare at any girl,
If I hangout with friends for long hours.
I don’t have to buy flowers for,
I don’t have to think before eating what im eating,
Now i eat, drink, hangout, sleep, exercise.
Take weekend rides on bike.
No thinking of future.
I have home which is sufficient for me.
Now im thinking to by a new rides in this year,
A foreign trip with some cool destinations.
And Goa will become a second home for me.
I earn enough money so I can  shop daily,
Date a new girl daily,
Make unplanned trips.

I’m just preparing to fall in love with myself.

You said you had something to tell me,
that verbally it was just to hard.
And I loved that you'd confide in me,
and allow me entrance into the world of you,

six pages folded up tight,
and I wanted to tear the open to see what dark secret you'd share with me.


5 pages were blank the 6th written on...  
you wrote:                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                        I love you.


And in that moment all I allowed myself to think,
was that you wanted ME.
Of all people you were content and filled with joy,
secure in loving me.
I reread that note over and over,
memorizing each dip in the paper.

it was a summer night you held my hand,
you lead me to the tent you pitched in your back yard,
and i thought i could lay there, hidden in a tent with your arms wrapped around my waist,
but i wanted you to prove it,
maybe i just wanted to feel it,
you said, "ashley, breathe"
and your fingers found a way to cradle my head,
and to pull down the wall i peek through,
and your pink lips touched mine,
and i wonder sometimes if you would do it now,
how would i react or would i have set sail south for you were always being kissed by the sun,
and I don't talk about it,
no body knows the places we traveled to,



I'm certain you never knew what love is
and you certainly didn't know how to love me.
Later I would voice the doubts and the regret,
but secretly want another chance with you,
you were my first kiss, haven't another since,
first relationship,
though you'd be hard pressed to call it that.
I haven't ever even dated.

You stole my innocence the moment,
I awoke to you sitting up in the bed we shared,
with you smoking,
a cigarette,

But you said you loved,
as a tool to manipulate,
not because it was true,
and I loved you as you needed but you wanted more,

she isn't in my life right now.
I made that decision long ago but her ghosts still chills me,
and I remember tents in backyards,
and stuttered breath like Morse code across your skin.

      
my ragged breath,
exhale and inhale,
things to remember
you slide closer,
and I am a frost princess,
you hold me with just a stare.
I dared you and not one to back down,
you rose to the challenge of,
taking my lips and melding them with yours,
and I am unaccustomed to the value you place,
and the reverence and gentleness you posses,
in one motion of your fingers
that dance across the freckles of my hand,

I don't want to feel this but your hands,
take purchase of my hips,
and my lips haven't been kissed before,
and I am addicted to the power you give me,
in just your gaze,
and you tell me you love me.

back before the kiss
before we started to hangout again,
since we left the gray and maroon lockers,
of a school we refused to be broken in.
I remember when.

1+1=2
we are taught as kids this is right and this is wrong
don't hangout with the weirdos
they eat green fish and drink kombucha
don't hangout with them they sit in circles
they wear every color of the rainbow (even brown)
they don't raise their hands
they always seem like they are talking to spirits
But they
they are happy

They love you more than they love themselves
They only want what's best for you
They treat you with respect
But toughen you when it's required to
They stress you not because they're punishing you
But because they're worried about you
They sometimes spoil you
Because they love to see you smile
They feed you a meal x3 a day
And buy you your favorite chocolate milk
Which makes you happy to hangout with them
Instead of being with your friends playing video games

But now things changed

You're all grown up
Fussing and screaming all day
Because you don't want to do your homework
You want to play outside with your mates
The moment you walkout from the front door of your home
You're invisible and uncontrollable
With no curfew. You're always late

But things have changed

All of a sudden you're an old man
With a wife, 3 kids and a dog
It's all heavy on your shoulders
Lifting all the weight
Struggling with your work
And then coming back home
To your wife and 3 kids
But it isn't all that great
Cause they constantly cause problems
And dont appreciate your sweat
And that's when you remember
All the days you spent
Being arrogant, selfish and stubborn to your parents
How you raised their heart rate
And raised your voice on them to the highest level
As if you were special
And now you ask yourself "how didn't I notice?"
You were too blind to see
Too cold to feel and
Too deaf to hear
All the struggle your parents went through

But things are now stable

*Wasn't it all worth the wait.