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"daydreamed" poems
*When I was small I walked on fairy dust and my dreams were as tall as skyscrapers towering above the universe inside of me, was the galaxy. I was born of the cosmos, full of light and love passionate in my quest to give this to others. But as I grew my star began to fade, stars need love and light to survive and deprived of both my blazing fire transformed into weak candlelight. At school I had learnt it was easier to hide your light than to stand out as different and be extinguished in an instant. So I kept myself to myself at the back of the class, knowing the answers but not shouting them out. I daydreamed, and doodled stars on the corners of my books, all the while I could hear the universe calling out to me to trust, that we are all born of this cosmic stardust.*
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Jul 24, 2015
Jul 24, 2015 at 7:55 AM UTC
Cosmic girl
I knew a kid in highschool Rather to say I knew him would be an overstatement, He was a friend of a friend at most, The boy that sat directly in front of me in my economics class Second seat from the right, second to last from the back The corner of the classroom between the whiteboard wall and the windows I remember that scene like a diagram, I couldn’t tell you anything I learned from the class but, I knew a kid in highschool He was best friends with my childhood best friend He wasn’t quiet, wasn’t loud- he was a normal highschool boy I remember the last words I said to him Well not quite, I remember the vague idea Something along the lines of it only gets worse He was talking about the theoretic project where we role played Each kid acting out as if they were in the real world He said he was overwhelmed by the amount of work I told him it only gets worse I knew a kid in highschool He killed himself during the weekend The Monday they announced in I was sick I was sick His obituary isn’t up on the internet anymore Neither is his facebook, he is nothing but a yearbook page The page to a book I couldn’t afford He is a memory on bookshelves filled with dust I knew a kid in highschool but I had to ask a friend to confirm his existence That I didn’t just make up a daydreamed suicide I’m so tired of wondering what’s left of us when we die I spend most of my life running from evidence of my existence No photos, no yearbooks, nothing with me or my name I knew a kid in highschool
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Jul 2, 2019
Jul 2, 2019 at 4:28 AM UTC
I knew a kid
I knew a kid in highschool Rather to say I knew him would be an overstatement, He was a friend of a friend at most, The boy that sat directly in front of me in my economics class Second seat from the right, second to last from the back The corner of the classroom between the whiteboard wall and the windows I remember that scene like a diagram, I couldn’t tell you anything I learned from the class but, I knew a kid in highschool He was best friends with my childhood best friend He wasn’t quiet, wasn’t loud- he was a normal highschool boy I remember the last words I said to him Well not quite, I remember the vague idea Something along the lines of it only gets worse He was talking about the theoretic project where we role played Each kid acting out as if they were in the real world He said he was overwhelmed by the amount of work I told him it only gets worse I knew a kid in highschool He killed himself during the weekend The Monday they announced in I was sick I was sick His obituary isn’t up on the internet anymore Neither is his facebook, he is nothing but a yearbook page The page to a book I couldn’t afford He is a memory on bookshelves filled with dust I knew a kid in highschool but I had to ask a friend to confirm his existence That I didn’t just make up a daydreamed suicide I’m so tired of wondering what’s left of us when we die I spend most of my life running from evidence of my existence No photos, no yearbooks, nothing with me or my name I knew a kid in highschool
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32
*I've daydreamed of my burial day, I've thought about, who I want to come, If anyone would come,* **and you understand, if you've been on death's end before,** **but if what's more important, or adequate,** is the music performed, then we get our ends, and as the soulless bodies glance down, as I'm buried in, there will be a concert, **I'll hear, six feet underground.** *I will, Just hear, Sound.* R.I.P.
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May 12, 2015
May 12, 2015 at 8:56 PM UTC
Funeral Music
discovered on my search today how murakami and itoi wrote short stories together in nineteeneightysomething and daydreamed of the corners in tokyo i might never see again all while amazed and longing for someplace nifty to myself
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Feb 1, 2019
Feb 1, 2019 at 8:09 PM UTC
Musings #1 (Some Love for Murakami Haruki and Itoi Shigesato)
Arthur McKnight was a powerful man and New York was his playground.  Not that he ventured out anymore at night now that he had met Evangeline.  The long days of mind-numbing numbers he crunched managing Wall Street hedge funds had taken their toll on him over the years, but becoming intimate with Evangeline had saved him, had changed him in ways so fundamental that for him she was all that mattered.      Arthur no longer noticed these subtle differences.  He daydreamed by the dim LCD light of stock tickers, craving the touch that only his woman could bestow upon him.  He had surrendered completely to her bliss.      These days when he woke to her already gone from his Upper West Side apartment all that was left of her presence was a lipstick kiss on the mirror and a bottle of Sally Hansen Tangerine Orange nailpolish.  The quiet was deafening, but that bottle of Sally Hansen left on the bathroom counter held the promise of Evangeline's return.      It was just after 7 p.m. when Arthur made it home and he could already sense her.  She was coming.  He strode with purpose to his master suite, spying the black thigh-highs and silky red dress he had laid out for her arrival.  The waiting was unbearable, and Arthur finally broke, needing Evangeline so badly he could smell her perfume, could taste her in his throat.  It was time; no more waiting.      "You look lovely tonight, Evangeline," Arthur croaked aloud as he pulled the first of the thigh highs onto his shaven legs...
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Jan 8, 2014
Jan 8, 2014 at 11:08 PM UTC
Arthur and Evangeline
Arthur McKnight was a powerful man and New York was his playground.  Not that he ventured out anymore at night now that he had met Evangeline.  The long days of mind-numbing numbers he crunched managing Wall Street hedge funds had taken their toll on him over the years, but becoming intimate with Evangeline had saved him, had changed him in ways so fundamental that for him she was all that mattered.      Arthur no longer noticed these subtle differences.  He daydreamed by the dim LCD light of stock tickers, craving the touch that only his woman could bestow upon him.  He had surrendered completely to her bliss.      These days when he woke to her already gone from his Upper West Side apartment all that was left of her presence was a lipstick kiss on the mirror and a bottle of Sally Hansen Tangerine Orange nailpolish.  The quiet was deafening, but that bottle of Sally Hansen left on the bathroom counter held the promise of Evangeline's return.      It was just after 7 p.m. when Arthur made it home and he could already sense her.  She was coming.  He strode with purpose to his master suite, spying the black thigh-highs and silky red dress he had laid out for her arrival.  The waiting was unbearable, and Arthur finally broke, needing Evangeline so badly he could smell her perfume, could taste her in his throat.  It was time; no more waiting.      "You look lovely tonight, Evangeline," Arthur croaked aloud as he pulled the first of the thigh highs onto his shaven legs...
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5
I daydreamed my way to the sea                                                                 and made a sandcastle my home.
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Mar 9, 2013
Mar 9, 2013 at 3:57 PM UTC
Salt
Today I walked to the park and back And saw suburbia rearranged into dizzying distortions All the trees had a purplish tint And on the grass, I saw multicoloured light reflecting off the dew When I got home I attacked all the imagery with a dagger to reshape reality And a blank mirror to recreate the world in my head. The world that was quiet is humming again I hear choirs of crickets and choral basslines Cacophonous and ecstatic in the constant confusion The dull concrete is shot open with marquee moonlight Indulgence pouring out, free-flowing like communion And painted onto canvases like rain on a car window Daydreams and delusions are ice cream melting, sticky and sap-like on your chin Clouds pixelate with diamond edges Voices ring out in a flurry And there isn't a soul in sight. So I breathe in the air And let all the sounds and smells and limitations of reality colour my imagination once again Daydreamed delusions and nightmarish reality are one Filaments in the vibrant violence Until the summer fades away again.
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Aug 18, 2023
Aug 18, 2023 at 7:25 AM UTC
Daydreams and Nightmares
I could drown myself in cups of coffee, in nicotine, old books, and whiskey. But that won't make me crave you any less. I could immerse myself in the deepest of enthralling literature, poems, a sea of colloquy, Waves, strangling the current of my mind. But you'd still be the resonant word. I could listen to the sweetest of voices on repeat, golden like honey, sticky, But my ears would only ever truly answer to yours. Serpents tend to bite their own tails, a mythological and alchemic symbol of the cyclic nature of the universe: creation out of destruction. But I'm not breaking my heart, loving you. Swollen, yearning, daydreamed astray, gathered fast by night. Curiosity deniable no more, innocence lost, hands wandered exploratory below. Clambering desperate over themselves, those hands fell over folds of warmed flesh, over forgotten nooks and unfound crevasses, over trembling thighs and aching calves. Astounded by the vast array of fresh delicacies, of unencountered sensations and deepest pleasures, she stood by loyal as those hands swiftly accustomed themselves to pursuing true ecstasy. What divine rapture. What soaring heights of pleasure to ascend to. And what a delicious revelation to encounter such unimaginable ecstasy. That twelfth year become a fourteenth, a fifteenth, a sixteenth. And with the passing of each came a series of ever more adventurous trysts, the sorts of which Cousteau, Armstrong, and even Columbus could all be truly proud of. Depths sounded, crevasses plundered, self’s nectars tasted and devoured, the pleasures of the flesh went unearthed. Elaborate constructions lovingly shaped, waxed and honed, years of heady experimentation, trial and errors, fantasy and dreaming, all in the pursuit of even harder, better, faster, stronger ******* Perhaps it was that, or was it more a case of welcomed companionship? Ambidextrous frustration? A carnal appetite, most terrifying in its magnitude? Isn’t it time then, you tried a little tenderness? Be good to you.
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Dec 6, 2013
Dec 6, 2013 at 3:20 PM UTC
Columbus
I could drown myself in cups of coffee, in nicotine, old books, and whiskey. But that won't make me crave you any less. I could immerse myself in the deepest of enthralling literature, poems, a sea of colloquy, Waves, strangling the current of my mind. But you'd still be the resonant word. I could listen to the sweetest of voices on repeat, golden like honey, sticky, But my ears would only ever truly answer to yours. Serpents tend to bite their own tails, a mythological and alchemic symbol of the cyclic nature of the universe: creation out of destruction. But I'm not breaking my heart, loving you. Swollen, yearning, daydreamed astray, gathered fast by night. Curiosity deniable no more, innocence lost, hands wandered exploratory below. Clambering desperate over themselves, those hands fell over folds of warmed flesh, over forgotten nooks and unfound crevasses, over trembling thighs and aching calves. Astounded by the vast array of fresh delicacies, of unencountered sensations and deepest pleasures, she stood by loyal as those hands swiftly accustomed themselves to pursuing true ecstasy. What divine rapture. What soaring heights of pleasure to ascend to. And what a delicious revelation to encounter such unimaginable ecstasy. That twelfth year become a fourteenth, a fifteenth, a sixteenth. And with the passing of each came a series of ever more adventurous trysts, the sorts of which Cousteau, Armstrong, and even Columbus could all be truly proud of. Depths sounded, crevasses plundered, self’s nectars tasted and devoured, the pleasures of the flesh went unearthed. Elaborate constructions lovingly shaped, waxed and honed, years of heady experimentation, trial and errors, fantasy and dreaming, all in the pursuit of even harder, better, faster, stronger ******* Perhaps it was that, or was it more a case of welcomed companionship? Ambidextrous frustration? A carnal appetite, most terrifying in its magnitude? Isn’t it time then, you tried a little tenderness? Be good to you.
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After a neat little bite She slid his sandwich into its baggie And smiled, Never tiring of her little joke. “See, it’s alright. Im here with you, having a little fun!” After the bell he peered into the bag. And there it was And a note: “I love you, Aaron. “ This morning’s mixture of boredom and fear punctuated by her love Then he daydreamed of helping with the clothespins, Sheets snapping in the wind
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May 30, 2019
May 30, 2019 at 12:51 PM UTC
The Sandwich
Afraid I see the fear , hear it in her voice She need not say but I know , she'd rather keep the norm than chase the moon. Ride a bicycle with her past and leave the future left to uncertainty. A shining love destined for shadows. Unwilling to let go,and trust the roads paved for our affection. A behind the smile lay a lifetime of wishes shared , fantasies daydreamed , and even memories made. To much to lose , and everything to gain. Stick with the safety of what she knows , rather than take a chance on what she doesn't. True love only passes once in a lifetime , and she's willing to let it pass for a piece of her past. She hides the ring , but doesn't bury it , she hides the love but won't pursue it. Under the cloak if darkness I find her waiting , I want her to take my hand , step into tomorrow together , but shell never truly say goodbye to then , she wants the now , but she's afraid of tomorrow, A tomorrow that my never be , because she's afraid
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May 28, 2015
May 28, 2015 at 1:12 PM UTC
Afraid
The sky always kept its word She had seen Jupiter's approach, Her nights lay heavy across the sky She giggled, she daydreamed She was odd.
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Mar 12, 2015
Mar 12, 2015 at 12:52 PM UTC
Odd
Ha! and I had hopes for a better ending. Placing my hand on the window pane, I felt it knocking outside, as the rain ****** buckets and washed my car. Every few seconds, the sky was talking, but I would never let it in. I stepped down into a dour acceptance and bought a moderately-priced raincoat. The spitting sky would never cease And I began to imagine which items I owned could float. I wished I chose swimming lessons over piano, but at least because of it I had one. I figured it might become a useful raft if indeed no one ever again sees the sun. How much water can fit under the sky? I wondered, and at what depth will my body finally rest? I realized I hadn't the time to consider intangibles or to issue to God any vague, indirect requests. I pressed my forehead against the glass, just stop! There was a moat between houses now, with pets and telephone poles and trees as islands. The chill of cataclysm began to freeze my brow. Later on my roof wearing my raincoat I daydreamed about the things I loved underneath the silvery-grey. I waved to my neighbor and he sadly waved back, and I held up my glass of wine and watched the world wash away.
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May 26, 2010
May 26, 2010 at 5:29 PM UTC
Calamity Ark
they say opposites attract, but then, how are we in contact? we met in the same hiding place, with walls up to our embrace. same empty wells on our faces same invisible threads on our lips slouched posture boney hips. i was a blank canvas of a girl and you were a boy who liked to spill your ink on ****** white pages. i was painfully boring and you were the ruins after a hurricane. you had stars for eyes and flames that licked your lips like you were the only wildfire out there and i was nothing but a crack on a sidewalk. you had every natural disaster dancing on your fingertips and i was dying for you  to touch me. but your palms only sweat when you daydreamed about kissing me and i was infatuated with your dreamy eyes you  kept galaxies in your palms just to give me a sense of home every time we held hands. silly boy hasnt anybody told you death doesnt have a home. hand in hand we are filthy image to them they try to **** us but you spill anything about us to anyone that would read according to you there wasn't any us, ink all over paper yet never any love they asked you if you ever loved someone you said you never really cared seems like i was the air you breathed in but coughed out as dust instead.
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Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 12:36 PM UTC
Untitled
I can see you We can see you Setting suns do distract delinquent dealings But we see you I see you And if your lucky Someone will remember you Someone will remember the sins you committed They will provide color to your story And if your lucky Someone will remember your failures They will ad rigidity to your pages But I see you I know you I know you've cried I know you will cry I know you are crying And if you are lucky Someone will save these tears They will make the ink of your story We see you And if you are truly lucky No one will listen to a single cognitive thought you have And you will never be blamed for something Asked to explain yourself Thought of for advise that was followed and regretted Daydreamed about I see you
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Mar 10, 2014
Mar 10, 2014 at 8:00 PM UTC
Seeing is believing
She was daydreaming again, and that was the most dangerous thing she could do, but she couldn’t help but be happy for a minute or a two, she was desperate, desperate to leave this so called life of hers. She daydreamed about the noise in her house full of her parents laughter instead of angry voices, or silence because they had nothing to say instead of silence with tension. She daydreamed about her sister living past June because the doctors say she will die soon. She daydreamed that her brother would stop drinking every night to numb the the pain away because alcohol doesn’t drain it away, it stays and drowns you until you can’t breathe. She daydreamed that she could leave this so called life of hers.
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May 10, 2013
May 10, 2013 at 10:42 PM UTC
Daydream
I've traveled through outer space, sat buckled to the seat, daydreamed with aliens all around. The outside domain was a blur, I rode supersonic steel knifing lush countryside between chasms of skyscraper structures. I tried to decipher the language of such folk, who seemed unfazed by my jokes. Their gaze, the same slant, followed my every move, I felt like an un-caged freak, myself an alien in a future-world riding bullets.
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Jan 9, 2014
Jan 9, 2014 at 3:32 PM UTC
The Tokaido Bullet (Shinkansen 新幹線)
Whilst you daydreamed, your eyes seemed to lose their sheen and you'd forget  how to empathise. You shut the car door hard as  if someone who wanted to aspirate closure. We spent two nights at the Cooden Beach hotel, so we could hear June Tabor and Oyster band, proceeding this performance , we had our four slices of toast and an Americano. Your pink canvas bag and polished  stilettos underneath the dinner table hid an issue or two playing a parallel game.
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Sep 9, 2012
Sep 9, 2012 at 3:04 PM UTC
Buried Treasure
I won’t lie. Once those eyes met mine, I imagined. When I watched you run your hands through your hair multiple times, I daydreamed. But when I saw that genuine smile and laugh you gave once I made you laugh, I fell.
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Sep 18, 2019
Sep 18, 2019 at 9:51 PM UTC
The stages of crushing.
You were the beginning Of a story I daydreamed, You stepped out of my mind And into reality, One sided conversations Were a thing of the past, I grew fond of you This reflection born But no one saw you, And the doubts set in; Were you real at all? Or had I just crossed the line In my head; where facts Were just as real as fiction, This set you ablaze And as the fires burned; they consumed What little of you I knew, And as you disappeared A cloud of ashes I knew you were; The shortest chapter in my book... © okpoet
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Jan 10, 2013
Jan 10, 2013 at 12:41 AM UTC
The Shortest Chapter...
Woke with the sting of regret, it’s been too long since I fell, I missed the rush of fresh air, I missed the taste of the smell, I was in love with the tightrope, the stained glass of her eyes, Bowed by the weight of surrender, I settled for compromise, Watching those false idols dance, turning wolves into sheep, As we played coy with the monsters that sang us to sleep, I had a million places to go, and so much I’d hoped to say, But I wasted another tomorrow thinking about yesterday, And those sticky situations where we all came unglued, While I daydreamed a sky that wouldn’t mirror my mood, A slow dance with routine, and every face looks the same, I was choking to death on the stale taste of my name, So I started sanding sharp edges, hoping that I might fit in, I spent a year writing my ending, so I could finally begin, Dusting off open road acrobatics, I twisted south by the sea, Searching for the rotting remains of who I thought I should be, But it was just another battle that I lost to the war, The same wrecking ball feet with new roads to explore, Nothing quite felt right, my fingertips became springs, I’d lost the girl to save the world, and other foolish things, It was my first last-ditch effort, my best second guess, I painted myself into a corner of the picture of success, Fifteen-hundred miles, and still felt so far out of reach, Until late one night my phone rang as I walked along the beach, I told my story to the old man as he listened patiently, When I finished, he calmly asked me to turn and face the sea, He said, “The ocean is the journey, the sum of all you gave, Do not lose perspective; this is but a single wave.” I drove home that night and slept for the first time in half a week, And when I awoke, the path before me didn’t feel quite so bleak, I realized there’s no shame in letting someone catch us if we fall, And that being lost is different than being nowhere at all, I learned that each story is a lesson, not merely a scar, And that all we have left is not the same as everything we are.
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Aug 16, 2016
Aug 16, 2016 at 2:32 PM UTC
A Single Wave
Woke with the sting of regret, it’s been too long since I fell, I missed the rush of fresh air, I missed the taste of the smell, I was in love with the tightrope, the stained glass of her eyes, Bowed by the weight of surrender, I settled for compromise, Watching those false idols dance, turning wolves into sheep, As we played coy with the monsters that sang us to sleep, I had a million places to go, and so much I’d hoped to say, But I wasted another tomorrow thinking about yesterday, And those sticky situations where we all came unglued, While I daydreamed a sky that wouldn’t mirror my mood, A slow dance with routine, and every face looks the same, I was choking to death on the stale taste of my name, So I started sanding sharp edges, hoping that I might fit in, I spent a year writing my ending, so I could finally begin, Dusting off open road acrobatics, I twisted south by the sea, Searching for the rotting remains of who I thought I should be, But it was just another battle that I lost to the war, The same wrecking ball feet with new roads to explore, Nothing quite felt right, my fingertips became springs, I’d lost the girl to save the world, and other foolish things, It was my first last-ditch effort, my best second guess, I painted myself into a corner of the picture of success, Fifteen-hundred miles, and still felt so far out of reach, Until late one night my phone rang as I walked along the beach, I told my story to the old man as he listened patiently, When I finished, he calmly asked me to turn and face the sea, He said, “The ocean is the journey, the sum of all you gave, Do not lose perspective; this is but a single wave.” I drove home that night and slept for the first time in half a week, And when I awoke, the path before me didn’t feel quite so bleak, I realized there’s no shame in letting someone catch us if we fall, And that being lost is different than being nowhere at all, I learned that each story is a lesson, not merely a scar, And that all we have left is not the same as everything we are.
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i used to be sad i used to be sad all of the time, gnawing at my nails and bleeding burden in my mouth as i daydreamed disasters, always straying from words like "love." but you taught me that happiness is not anything that you ask for when you see happiness, you seize every crevice and angle and corner of it, it is yours - but only if you do not ask for it you taught me that there's too many creeps of sunlight hiding between raindrops as they fall, too many open oceans offering anchors on their beds to pull us down under, too many "not enoughs" and not enough of anything anymore because everyone is always asking you taught me that if i want to glide along railroads, i musn't turn into a bullying engine that shouts and kicks and pushes, but i must turn into the girl who knows exactly what freedom sounds like and you taught me all of this, you taught me everything about love, without saying a single word
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Dec 30, 2011
Dec 30, 2011 at 10:55 PM UTC
je t'aime aussi
Deep in his heart He will miss it as it goes A pool of rain His reflection once showed him Once upon a thousand times A quiet man once daydreamed Of the different formations of rain Yet , what did he have to gain? The war was almost over He was such a lonely orphan He could never confess his silence He once heard the Static sounds of rain A presence of tear drops Surrounding his eccentric mind Everything was fading away Time was just another memory lapse He daydreamed until he could No longer hear the sounds of tears He had once remembered When he was a child back Before rain was so feared and hated Before it was seen as a novel of sin Under his dear black umbrella He waited for nothing alone And the clouds were a Peppered smokey grey They were viewed as The separation of loss An image of abandonment From a hollow sky
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Jun 15, 2016
Jun 15, 2016 at 12:17 AM UTC
Black Umbrella
I don't want to get started; I don't know if I have what it takes to stop it, once life is static no longer Transient winds dislodge cobwebs from closets-- Silk mist that drifts (Like half-daydreamed doves from our Starlight and eyelash ark Half-reclaimed by the sea) Across our New car smell, white-wash wall Stumble before the fall, Pick each other up and kiss the gravel off, Apartment. I scream "apartment", To the concrete and steel Of her skin, a bridge that's Closed as tightly as her Proust pressed flower lips. My faults are Tattooed across my skin In full color comic strips. I tongue the interior dents Birthed when She taught me What apart meant.
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Dec 24, 2012
Dec 24, 2012 at 1:59 AM UTC
Slow Burn Band-Aid
That's my private name for her...Grey Eyes. And they are very, very grey, a lake shrouded in mist. A strange thing, to be in love with a feeling. To be enamored of arrivals, departures, mitigations. Odd also, when someone leads you to an understanding of yourself...or at least, a part of yourself. It is satisfying for me to let futures go. In some strange way, it's fulfilling and sad, for someone to reach out a hand to me across the dark waters. To see a possibility, very much yearned for, and to deprive myself of it. I was given an offer today that I had thought about often, daydreamed and hungered for. Ultimately I declined, my reasons being vague at the time, though my explanation was valid (somewhat). "I get uncomfortable when I can't pack up everything and leave in a day, and I wouldn't want to do that to you". I didn't think about whether I may have hurt her by saying that, though it wouldn't have changed my answer. Something deep inside whispered of danger and confinement should I have taken that road, great sorrows unimagined. Somehow it was deeply moving to be able to stare down my childish craving, and turn away, to be able to recognize that this path was not for me. People like me, people with a history but no story, don't move in with a woman that they have feelings for and end up happy. I've walked that way before, though the stakes were much lower and I much younger. One more test passed. I never wanted to admit this about myself, but now I suppose I can accept it without shame, without anger or judgement. I sometimes enjoy killing my dreams. Rather, killing things about myself that have no purpose but to cause distraction and delay, ideas and hopes that lead sideways rather than forward. Of all the skills taught to me by my Father, this has been the most valuable.
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Feb 24, 2015
Feb 24, 2015 at 11:42 PM UTC
Farewell to Grey-Eyes
That's my private name for her...Grey Eyes. And they are very, very grey, a lake shrouded in mist. A strange thing, to be in love with a feeling. To be enamored of arrivals, departures, mitigations. Odd also, when someone leads you to an understanding of yourself...or at least, a part of yourself. It is satisfying for me to let futures go. In some strange way, it's fulfilling and sad, for someone to reach out a hand to me across the dark waters. To see a possibility, very much yearned for, and to deprive myself of it. I was given an offer today that I had thought about often, daydreamed and hungered for. Ultimately I declined, my reasons being vague at the time, though my explanation was valid (somewhat). "I get uncomfortable when I can't pack up everything and leave in a day, and I wouldn't want to do that to you". I didn't think about whether I may have hurt her by saying that, though it wouldn't have changed my answer. Something deep inside whispered of danger and confinement should I have taken that road, great sorrows unimagined. Somehow it was deeply moving to be able to stare down my childish craving, and turn away, to be able to recognize that this path was not for me. People like me, people with a history but no story, don't move in with a woman that they have feelings for and end up happy. I've walked that way before, though the stakes were much lower and I much younger. One more test passed. I never wanted to admit this about myself, but now I suppose I can accept it without shame, without anger or judgement. I sometimes enjoy killing my dreams. Rather, killing things about myself that have no purpose but to cause distraction and delay, ideas and hopes that lead sideways rather than forward. Of all the skills taught to me by my Father, this has been the most valuable.
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