Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
mouse Apr 2015
ICARE ICA RE I CARE IC ARE ICAR E ICARE I C A RE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE ICARE IC ARE I CARE I CARE ICARE ICA RE I CARE IC ARE ICAR E ICARE I C A RE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE ICARE IC ARE I CARE I CARE ICARE ICA RE I CARE IC ARE ICAR E ICARE I C A RE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE ICARE IC ARE I CARE I CARE ICARE ICA RE I CARE IC ARE ICAR E ICARE I C A RE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE I CARE ICARE IC ARE I CARE I CARE please.
Remember when you were a child
And you answered back with "I don't care"
Well, it's high time you did
This is the time to care

With the corona virus attacking everyone in sight,
You have to care


IT DOESN'T CARE if you are Chinese, Spanish, American, Canadian, British, Australian, Korean.
IT DOESN'T CARE what color your skin is
Whether you are white, black, brown, yellow or blue
IT DOESN'T CARE if you are straight, gay, bisexual, trisexual, gender transitional
IT DOESN'T CARE if you like horses, or dogs, or cats, or fish or lemmings for that matter
IT DOESN'T CARE if you are a doctor, nurse, stay at home mom, teacher, warehouse worker, priest, homeless, bricklayer, hockey player, nun, librarian, store clerk
IT DOESN'T CARE if you are a celebrity, sports figure, local politician, have one friend or a thousand
IT DOESN'T CARE if you eat vegan, meat, have celiac disease, smoke, vape, eat through a tube
IT DOESN'T CARE if you believe in God, Buddha, are Jewish, Baptist, Agnostic, Atheist, Wiccan, or talk to the trees

GOT IT? IT DOESN'T CARE.

YOU SHOULD CARE.
You told your parents "I don't care". Well, you better start.
CARE about your family, friends, and yourself
CARE about your neighbors, their family, friends, and relatives
CARE about your work mates, their families, friends, and relatives
CARE about the front line workers, theirs families, friends and relatives
CARE about the world.

LISTEN AND LEARN. LISTEN AND DO. LISTEN AND CARE

Don't listen to blowhards who call it a hoax. IT DOESN'T CARE...it's waiting for you if you do
Don't follow the stupid internet suggestions like add bleach to your water. IT'S DOESN'T CARE...it's waiting for you too.
Don't plan on being in Church for Easter. IT DOESN'T CARE...It's waiting for you as well.

GET IT? FOLLOW THE WORDS OF THE MEDICAL EXPERTS, NOT THE POLITICIANS.

IT DOESN'T CARE  who you listen to, but, It's waiting.

START CARING...NOW!!!

LISTEN, LEARN, DO AND CARE. STAY SAFE.
Santiago Jun 2015
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me (About Me)
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me

Frank V (Verse 1):
Its Been A Little Minute
Since I First Got Down
Back In The Day
When N.W.A.
Could Say **** The Police
In The Original Kday
Thought I Was Ice Cube
Went & Bought An A.K.
Sprayed Some Boys In The Hood
But Don't Quote That
Thought I Was Eazy
When I Got My First Dope Sack
Bustin' Dope Raps
Servin' All The Fiends
Drug Money Was Legit
Rap Money Just A Dream
But The Dream Came True
When Kid Frost Came Through
I Heard La Raza
****, I Could Do The Same Too
So I Rep The Brown
In Every State & Town
Those Were The Days
But Today I Still Put It Down
For All The Fans
Who Feel They Got Disconnected
From The Game
When The Lames Came & Wrecked It
But If You Want The Real
Baby I'm Still Here
Are You Still There?
Tell Me Do You Still Care?

Chorus:
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me (About Me)
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me (For Me, For Me)

Conejo (Verse 2):
I Came In Gang Bangin'
On The Mic
Ese Fresh Off The Street
In My Cortez Nikes
Ese Beach Cruiser Bikes
Smoking Primos At Night
On Some Territory ****
Enemiga In Sight
I Knew How To Write
So I Put Em Together
My 4-Track Demos
Gon' Last Forever
Cause I'm Clever
With The **** I Say
Just A Boy From The Block
West Side L.A.
I Made A Deal With The Devil
I Traded My Soul
Didn't Know What I Was Doing
Till My Heart Turned Cold
And That Brought A Lot Of Trouble
In To My Life
Along With Classic Lp's
About My Struggles & Fights
But Still I Gotta Ask
If You Still Care
If Not I'll Pay A Visit
In Your Next Nightmare
That's Only Fair
Cause I Done This For You
Even Risk My Own Freedom
This Notorious Fool

Chorus:
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me (About Me)
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me (For Me,

Kid Frost (Verse 3):
Its The Original OG
Everybody Knows Me
Started In The 80's
With That Homie Ice-T
I'm A West Coast Pioneer
Set It Off - Lead The Way
A Chicano Rapper
From The Streets Of East L.A.
20 Years Later
Look At Me
Still On The Scene
Grinding Hard - Stacking Green
Still Doing My Music Thing
So Tell Me Do You Still Care?
To All My Loyal Fans
Are You Still There?
Put It In The Air
Throw It In The Sky
I'm A Do This Music ****
Until The Day I Die
I Look Up In The Sky
You Know I Stay Strong
They Gonna Play My Music
Even When I'm Dead & Gone
A Legacy I Left Behind
You Won't Forget My Songs
I Hope My Spirit Feels It
Everytime You Put It On
Until My Dying Day
I Live Life Like A Boss
Its Viva La Raza
Y Viva Kid Frost

Chorus/Outro:
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me (About Me)
Tell Me Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me
(Do You Feel The Same Way Too)
Tell Me  Do You Care?
(If You Still Care)
For Me
(Listen To My Heart Beat)
With You Near Me
When You Hold Me
Can You Kiss Me
(Do You Feel The Same Way Too)
Classic
Tristan Brown Apr 2018
I have many problems in life
What to eat
What to wear

But my main problem
My main problem is that I Care

I care about my car
But I don't care about me
I care about my grades
But I don't care about me

I care about my parents
But I don't care about me

I love and care those I call my friend
But I don't care about me

I care
But I don't care about me

My car can't care about me
My grades don't give a **** about me

My parents have four others
To care for before me

My friends have their own life
And people to care about

And this I understand

But I don't understand
Why each and every day
I put myself through Hell
And I don't know if I'll make it back

And I do that for all these things
These people
Because I care

I care that they make it through
I care that they are alright

So I care for all of these people
But I don't care about me
I don't care if you are the water or the groove of the stone. I want a place In your arms that feels succinctly like home. I want to be encircled like an old oak tree, with a breeze in the air that smells radiantly of you and me. I don't care if you are the tongue or the groove. I want a place within which all these walls I can remove. There is a river that cascades between us that keeps us far from home, but I don't care if you are the cancer or the broken bone. I don't care if you are the sweetest peach or the rattle of the snakes tail. All I want is for you to arise each time you fail.

I don't care of you bruise easily or become yellow from the inside out. I don't care if you walk away silently or you scream, stamp your feet and shout. I don't care if you are the water and I am the stone. I do not care if for your secrets I have to atone. I want to you to seek the hiding places I hold so tightly,  and I want you to seek them daily and nightly. I don't care if you think this is overdressed, or I show too much flesh. I want you to see how I look for you when I calmly undress. I don't care if you are the thunder in my storm. I don't care if you call this safety or if you call me home.

I don't care if you are the salt or the falling tear. I want you to know that me not caring is not what I fear. I want you to know that true love is true acceptance In it's ultimate form. I don't care to know if you're broken or you are torn. These words I asked you, but they are routine and true. I could repeat , dry my face and carry on, but I don't care to do that for you. I don't care if you are weak and strong together. I care about you whatever the whatever. I don't care if you wish to compete and you have won. I want you to know that those secrets were already awake and done.  

I don't care how many times you walk away, I care about the how many times you stay.

I don't care, because In the end nothing matters, and in here, we're all mad as hatters.
J Nc Sep 2015
"I Don't Care"
Black Flag

I don't care - gonna ******* anyways
don't care - your boyfriends here anyways
don't care - is that a ****** on anyways
don't care - well your gross anyways

I don't care
I don't care
(haha you're ugly)

I don't care - well your messed up anyways
don't care - your a doggy anyways
don't care - you got a dull place anyways
don't care - well you look like pregnant anyways

I don't care
I don't care

don't care - well your messed up anyways
don't care - your boyfriends here anyways
don't care - all your parents are here too

I don't care

~Black Flag
82? 83?
This is from Black Flag, before Henry Rollins, during the Keith Morris (now of the Circle Jerks) years, which, to me, is Black Flag's best stuff.
Ember Evanescent Oct 2014
At some point
You care far too much
About not caring that
You spend all your time
Not caring about caring
Until you finally care
But you care so much about not caring
You care enough to not admit
That you care since you care so much
About not caring that you don't care about
not caring that you care.

All that is true for me.
After hearing the echoing of that same word, does the word "care" now confuse your mind?

That's how I feel about your name now.

I've heard it echo in my thoughts too many times
And the meaning has now detached itself
from the sound.

Because everytime I don't care that I care
about not caring that I care
Your name slowly carves itself deeper
In my soul
Caring this much hurts. Please comment I'd REALLY appreciate specific feedback
Aa Harvey Apr 2018
I don’t care.


Would my father have left, if I was not born?
And would I have become his favorite son?
If he’d let me, if he’d let me.


Would I have become, the son I became,
If he’d stayed in my life?  And if he had stayed,
Would I still be?  Or would I be?
The same as I am!  Angry at my Dad!
Or would I see, he’s not worth it?


And I don’t care!  That Daddy wasn’t there.
I don’t care!  How he is now.
And I don’t care!  That Daddy wasn’t there;
Because I have love, from my Mother.


So rejoice with me, because I speak my mind
And I say what I mean and I’m not angry,
Because I don’t care; no I don’t care.


And if you can relate, to the words I say
And you understand, what I’m saying today,
Then it’s ok; yeah it’s ok.


And I don’t care!  That Daddy wasn’t there.
I don’t care!  How he is now.
And I don’t care!  That Daddy wasn’t there;
Because I have love, from my Mother.


And I don’t care!  That Daddy wasn’t there.
I don’t care!  How he is now.
And I don’t care!  That Daddy wasn’t there;
Because I have love, from my Mother.


So I thank you Mom, for the love you gave;
For your warm embrace and your smiling face
And I do care, yeah I do care.


Because you were always there!
You never walked away!
You are always there!  If I need you.
I thank you Mom!  For everything you’ve done
And I do care, now and always.


(C)2013 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
Arcassin B Jan 2015
by Arcassin Burnham

If you ever found another,
I don't care about it,
And if you ever leave me lonely,
I don't care about it,
If this argument goes further,
I don't care about it,
You'd be the one to overthrow me,
I don't care about it,
Throw away that wedding ring,
I don't care about it,
Set my clothes on fire,
I don't care about it,
You say I don't mean a thing,
I don't care about it,
Even though your a lyar,
I don't care about it,
Leaving and taking the kids,
I don't care about it,
Yelling in my face constantly,
I don't care about it,
Moving to your moms house,
I don't care about it,
And you say your sick of me,
I don't care about it,
I don't care,
I,
Don't,
Care.
Marriage *****
Amelie Mar 2012
I haven't seen you for two whole weeks,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I haven't dried off the tears on your cheeks,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I broke my promise once again,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I left you waiting in the rain,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I don't remember everything I should,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I forgot to call you when I said I would,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I'm way too busy to talk to you,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

You're mad at me for everything I do,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I hurt you all the time, always,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

You show me your love in so many ways,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I know you can't take it anymore,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

I know you're gonna walk out the door,
But I don't mind, no I don't care.

If you want to leave, go.
I won't follow.
I don't mind, no I don't care.
Not my point of view.
mj Dec 2019
solange say self care be a safe space.
a place to love.
to not deal.
months into therapy and i have not begun to heal.
the doctor say i got PTSD.
recommends skills for coping that i done heard before like
post it's of encouragement decorating my vanity
traumatic memories written pretty and rhythmic in a journal
stress wrapped beneath my prayer dress as i kneel in sujood
disorder made neat with Google calendar routines
or
something like that.
solange say self care be your house.
the comfort of hiding.
the keeping your mental safe.
see
i ain't slept in days.
because at some point the journey to bed transcended a frame of time.
became star gazing up at the texture of my ceiling.
became laps around the park at 3 am
became me welcoming lovers into my space to ferry me to my dreams.
solange say self care be your partner.
be eclipsing in the warmth of your love.
staying protected inside of complacency.
i welcomed him. them. the toxicity
my flesh still crawls at the shadow sensation of arms encasing my frame
coiling around me like snakes.
i have yet to understand love but i have grown accustomed to the volition of being ******.
or so i tell myself.
solange say self care be a mission.
a journey in itself.
to find rest in oneself.
i may not know nothing about no logical course of action or emotion
but some nights i find myself blazing down highland as if it was aṣ-Ṣirāṭ al-mustaqīm
and i get so frightened to my core of the honking horns and leering strangemen that i **** near prostrate myself on the street and make dua for protection and guidance.
say self care-
self care is...
self care be-
self care be tidying the mess that is i.
braiding my hair just for a ***** to pull on it.
wearing a pretty dress just for somebody to make me feel ***** in it.
coloring just to break the crayons in stupor.
making tea just for it to line my throat as bile.
laying down to sleep just to be awake for hours.
self care be a fight.
be a rush of anxiety imposing upon my nights
self care be a dream
a sweaty nightmare of ****** pressed against my back and weight dropping upon my shoulders.
self care be a struggle
self care be a disorder
self care be disorder
self care be me smiling in the mirror and saying mashallah i'm here ain't it?
it's ok to take this **** day by day.
freesoulandpoet Jan 2019
Care enough to read the pain in people's eyes
Care enough to understand that every silence hides a scream that most people don't hear
Care enough to know that tomorrow is an unpredictable present that you wrap today
Care enough to love when you have been hurt and you think there is no tomorrow
Care enough to allow yourself  to understand the meaning of the unspoken words
Care enough to read poetry and watch artists shape their thoughts
Care enough to go through hell and still believe in heaven
Care enough to look for happiness in broken souls
Care enough to live and wake up with a new smile every day
Care enough to understand that poetry and art are the core of life
Care enough to just care because, in the end, no one cares enough to care
Don't wait for someone who will care for you. Learn to care about yourself for yourself
bluevelvet May 2017
I care about the way I look,
I care about the way you
perceive me.

I care about my favorite book,
I care about the way it let's
my dreams of 'us' be.

I care about the way you see,
I care about the way you make me believe.

I care about every word you spout,
I care about the way you fill me with doubt.

I care about the way you treat her,
I care about the way I'm a
misplaced,
forgettable blur.

I care about the way you don't care,
And I care about the way I'm
the only one who stares.
Chris Gower Mar 2010
I don’t care,
That you don’t care,
About caring about
What I care for.

And you know what?
I don’t care that
You won’t care for
the only thing that I really
care for.

What if I care about
cake? Would you not
care about cake?

Would you not care
ABOUT CAKE?

You care about cake, of course you do.
I can see it in your eyes and by
that tell tale dribble at your mouth.
Cake is something that will
make your legs quake with
butter cream goodness.

A good cake baked,
makes you proud to be
a cake baking citizen in
a country that will let you
bake cake.

So what if I care about
democracy. Would you not
care about democracy?
Would you let people live
in fear of the **** of a gun,
Would you care that there
are those who are on the run
from tyranny and violence
who know pain and loss,
that you could only
wake up from,
in a cold sweat?
As you turn and toss
in your memory foam bed.

There is more happening on this Earth
Then cake.
There are greater causes
than choosing between
Thortons Double Chocolate Celebration
and that traditional Victoria Sponge your
Mother-in-law won in a raffle last week.

The struggle humanity faces, is to live
in harmony with each other.
It cannot be resolved with cake.
You cannot bring democracy
to a country with cake.
Or can we?

What if we swapped,
Non radar detectable aircraft
For dairy delectable foodcraft,
What if we swapped
12inch shells for
12 thousand babybels?
What if we stole
RPGs and gave back
MSG’s (they’re less harmful
in the long run, if thrown at you).

What if, for once, everyone cared.
And then we’d get somewhere.
Every voice in every home
Would not be a voice alone,
And for once, we’d all agree about the fact
we like cake and democracy for all.
I wrote this poem with performance in mind, although the layout is still considered and reasoned.
AvengingPoet Nov 2014
Your government funds terrorist groups
but you do not care
as long as you have plenty of pleasures
that keep you going
and keep you alive
because apparently
whatever happens happens
because they want you to be a sheep
taken care of by Netflix
and political ads on the television
because they can drop another bomb
on another foreign country
and nobody will care
because they can start wars in Syria
and nobody will care
because they can manipulate your economy
and nobody will care
because they can limit your freedom of speech
and nobody will care
because they can jail non-violent people
and nobody will care
because they can be cynical on the TV and control your mind
and nobody will care
because you’ll sit and be obsessed with fiction and not the realities
and nobody will care
because you won’t spend the time to strive to end this ****
and nobody will care

…what the ****?

I guess I will just sit and be militantly political
and maybe you’ll care to…
or not.
LA Brown Oct 2014
Hello, my name is Lisa.

I do not care if you were gay, are gay, or considering becoming gay.

I do not care if you eat only vegetables, nothing with animal product, or a cow every night for dinner.

I do not care if you have no children, one child, adopted children, or eighteen children. (Kidnapped children is a grey area)

I do not care if you are conservative, liberal or lunatic.

I do not care if you are a lawyer, a teacher, a preacher, a maid, a waitress, or ditch digger.

I do not care if you dislike animals, have a zoo, or only one cat.

I do not care which God (s) you choose as your own - if any, or none.

I do care and hope that you are kind and loving to those you love.

I do care that you use your food wisely and do not waste. Thinking of others without.

I do care that you treat your children with love and not with violence or neglect.

I do care if you are completely apathetic to politics, as doing nothing, or standing for nothing, creates nothing.

I do care that you go and you do your best at whatever your work may be and feel proud that you've done your best in your day.

I do care if you harm an animal. If you hunt to feed your family be proud - if you hunt for sport you shame me.

I do care and think the greatest religion is being loving, kind and compassionate to our fellow man.

Hello, my name is Lisa.
Emma Chatonoir Mar 2013
I still love you
Even though you think I don't
I always have
You just didn't notice
Even though you think I don't
I have feelings inside
You just didn't notice
I had problems with emotion
I have feelings inside
Feeling I wanted to show
I had problems with emotion
Trying to keep it low-key
Feelings I wanted to show
But hid for fear of loss
Trying to keep it low-key
I simply smiled
But for fear of loss
And acting flamboyant
I simply smiled
That meant a lot
And acting flamboyant
Was something I hid
That meant a lot
Smiling just for you
Was something I hid
From everyone else
Smiling just for you
Said I really did care
From everyone else
I didn't act the same
Said I really did care
Shaking but genuine
I didn't act the same
Because you were unique
Shaking but genuine
I loved being with you
Because you were unique
Because you were mine
I loved being with you
You kept me safe
Because you were mine
I felt a lot closer
You kept me safe
From the creepy guys
I felt a lot closer
A bond underneath
From the creepy guys
I was able to be calmer
A bond underneath
Tying us together
I was able to be calmer
But still the crazy girl you loved
Tying us together
Tearing us apart
But still the crazy girl you loved
You said I talked too much
Tearing us apart
Never really happened
You said I talked too much
And pulled me close
Never really happened
To make me shut up
And pulled me close
So I could hear your heart
To make me shut up
I would listen
So I could hear your heart
Beat around me
I would listen
And nearly melt
Beat around me
Brought me comfort
And nearly melt
The tears away
Brought me comfort
Knowing you were there
The tears away
The scars healed over
Knowing you were there
Made me less neurotic
The scars healed over
I could drop the knife
Made me less neurotic
And able to focus
I could drop the knife
That brought me deserved pain
And able to focus
On something positive
That brought me deserved pain
When you'd hold me too tight
On something positive
You secretly found the scars
When you'd hold me too tight
The world would stop
You secretly found the scars
But made them heal
The world would stop
So would my heart
But made them heal
With golden touch
So would my heart
Turn to stone
With golden touch
And magic
Turn to stone
And capture the moment
And magic
Of teenage love
Ad capture the moment
To be there forever
Of teenage love
Which apparently was fake
And could never last
Which apparently was fake
Everyone was so happy
And could never last
I hoped this would go on
Everyone was so happy
To see us together
I hoped this would go on
I would marry you
To see us together
Would trigger happiness
I would marry you
Right?
Would trigger happiness
You felt that too
Right?
Or maybe you are the emotionless one
You felt that too
So I thought
Or maybe you are the emotionless one
It's too hard to tell
You felt that too
I think
It's too hard to tell
It's complicated
I think
You never really cared
I was just being used
It's complicated
You never really cared
I could hear it
I was just being used
Like a stuffed animal
I could hear it
The apathy was deafening
Like a stuffed animal
I could be tossed aside
The apathy was deafening
When I really listened
I could be tossed aside
And I doubt you would care
When I really listened
There was nothing to save me
And I doubt you would care
If I left your life
There was nothing to save me
The damage was done
If I left your life
As suddenly as I came
The damage was done
So would you even care?
As suddenly as I came
I could leave
So would you even care?
Would you even say goodbye?
I could leave
If you didn't first
Would you even say goodbye?
Or just say nothing
If you didn't first
I thought about leaving
Or just say nothing
Cause I really did care
I thought about leaving
But I would never say goodbye
Cause I really did care
Maybe too much
But I would never say goodbye
Cause I loved you
Maybe too much
I should have set you free
Cause I loved you
You would eventually come back
I should have set you free
And let you wander back
You would eventually come back
Love always does that
And let you wander back
Where you belong
Love always does that
Confuse people
Where you belong
And how that will happen
Confuse people
Make him think I don't care
And how that will happen
Cause that's not true
Make him think I don't care
Bull
Cause that's not true
The love is here despite the hate
Bull
I don't even know anymore
The love is here despite the hate
And the hate is small enough
I don't even know anymore
Life is confusing
And the hate is small enough
For the love to shine
Life is confusing
And love can be cruel
For the love to shine
Is quite hard
And love can be cruel
And not show up outside
Is quite hard
To prove it exists
And not show up outside
Like introversion
To prove it exists
I have to toughen up
Like introversion
I just look emotionless
I have to toughen up
And prove I still care
I just look emotionless
Cause I don't know what to do
And prove I still care
As hard as it is
Cause I don't know what to do
I must do it
As hard as it is
I'm ready to fly
I must do it
Prove what I say is true
I'm ready to fly
And tell you I still care
Prove what I say is true
Ask the dreaded question
And tell you I still care
Will you take me back
Ask the dreaded question
Get some twisted answer
Will you take me back
Be beautiful again
Get some twisted answer
Wait to hear more
Be beautiful again
Let's do another take
Wait to hear more
Wait for me to open
Let's do another take
I always have
Wait for me to open
I still love you
Pantoum+rant=rantoum
Valo Salo Aug 2014
I don’t care about Religion! Or Antibiotics!
Terror! Embryos! Poetry! None of it!

I don’t care about the Chinese! The Americans!
Christians! Jews! Muslims! Any Nation or Nationality!

I don’t care about you! Or your feelings!
Any other human! Inclusive myself!

I don’t care about freedom or dictatorships.
I don’t care about war or peace.

I don’t care about the pollution. The ozone layer.
The Panda Bear or any other endangered species.

I don’t care about what you are thinking.
Or for that matter what you say.

I don’t care about stupidity or intelligence.
F… arseholes. Clever thinking.

I don’t care about ethics deals or moral principles.
Mass ******. Genocide. Wrong or rights.

I don’t care about the good life or the bad life.
Blind black homeless or shabby white trash.

Don’t care if you can read between the lines or not.
Don’t care if you care or not.

I just don’t care!
It's all so insignificant to the whole

******* Universe!
Simon Clark Aug 2012
I don't care if it rains,
I don't care if it snows,
I don't care about anything,
Anything but myself.

I don't care if you cry,
I don't care if you scream,
I don't care about anything,
Anything but my pain.

I don't care about you,
I don't care about me,
I don't care about nobody,
Nobody but just me.

I don't care,
I can't care,
I won't care.
Written in 2005
Lemid Lark Aug 2016
She doesn't care, she doesn't care, she doesn't care.


The words lash across the raw red mess of a sore that is my heart
They fester and wound and scab and scar
Eyes closed in pain, fists clenched in agony, mouth open aghast in horror


She doesn't care, she doesn't care, she doesn't care.


The words burn into my vulnerable melting flesh
They tattoo across my eyelids, preventing sleep or thought


She doesn't care she doesn't care she doesn't care.


The words are my very existence, they define me, they control me, a constant roaring in my ears that does not but crescendo


She doesn't care, she doesn't care, she doesn't care
Skai Jun 2014
I don't care anymore,
or maybe it's that I care way too much.
If I didn't care I wouldn't get so angry over meaningless things.
           --and by meaningless…I mean meaningful things.
Why is it that I say I don't care?
           --when in actuality I care a lot.
           --I care about that girl,
             and the girl,
             and the other girl.

But who is it I want the most to care about?

That's a funny question, because I don't care about any of them.
            --But wait, I care.
No I don't I care about nothing.
            --I care about too many things.

If it is that I care about nothing,
nothing is something.
And sometimes something is everything…..Right?

If I cared I would't constantly say, "I don't care."
         --Yes I would.


















I do care.
Patrick Austin Sep 2018
Our Backgrounds before we met...

I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.

My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.

I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.

2002

She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.

2003

I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.

2004

She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.

I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.

I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.

I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.

2005

We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.

I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!

I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.

I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.

I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"

I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.

2006

We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict.  I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.

I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.

2007

We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.

2008

Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.

I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.

2009

I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon.  I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.

I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.

2010

The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.

I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.

I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.

2011

I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.

I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it naked with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.

2012

Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.

2013

We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.

2014

We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.

I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy  huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.

2015

I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.

2016

We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.

2017

We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.

I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.

I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.

I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.

2018

We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.

I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.

Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.

Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.

Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.

Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and lust for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.

Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.

I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.

She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.

I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.

This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
This is a timeline of the major events during my 13 year marriage. Amidst the reality, I injected all the lovely memories that refuse to leave my mind.
Kitty Prr Sep 2013
My darling,
I would care to be your lover
And give you every pleasure.
I would care to be your sweetheart
And sweet to you forever.

I would care to give you my body
If you are careful with me.
I would care to bring you ecstasy
Mine is in watching yours increase.

I would care to be all you desire,
And then even more.
I would care to show you the stars
From the living room floor.

I would care to surprise you,
Entice you, delight you.
I would care to run free with you and please you.
Would you care for me?
Robin Carretti Jul 2018
Being cared for
Here's the  adored door

Inside playing he pours the hearts

So like him the ricochet
Deeply love so cultured
My pearl crochet

Deeply cared about I got you
under my skin
I win your love ticket

The spool of
wool hit the floor
To the extreme
The sensitive mind

  And his feeling like the escapee finding
the higher
religion keeping that in mind
The everlasting  to be cared for or
not to be never lasting like someone
lost its hunger fasting

Waking up deeply recharged or
reproducing to
her neverending fairytale

Much deeper than 69 eye love shades
Deeply cared for beyond his loving
It comes and fades
Like Monopoly  "Godly Sun-Seeker" keeps
passing us
The game of life charades
Like Persian babies their
button nose deeply cared for to cuddle
The warmest meows hug and save

Like flour to sparkle, it deepens
like our mix, a love needs
to be worked on 
 do you really
care to fix?

But sending all the details
the lines soften pale pink rose
I felt your red fire putting
out the coldness fire and ice
To be saved on time
Like the fire chief,  
Acted like a French chef what
a love roue of the hose

Like silk my millennium  milk,
He held my finger but not
to sulk he said buckle up
What firmness and tightness
arm to arm wrestler such
bulk

Never to swear but a little lie 
  Wouldnt hurt my delicate
pinky finger
In her loop with her fur
deeply
Stepped into her mink

He's the frontman
Fresh cut lemon
Yellow sunshine
happy medium

I was wearing my hair middle parted
The picture slide the made man
Tied back my hair was deeply
Smooth talker well conditioned
With what conditions all recollections
But three strikes when you care for
someone you  don't fall out of love

  This world loves to be pampered
Cared about not scouted
All hole marks in the road badly routed
 With tons of work with the question mark?
The sign stayed with her
Deeply care about?

Like a play date let's pretend
You're both a handful
Like beer malt lips
Engraved love in the barrels
To feel deeply loved  he acted
Like the riddler

The beach her eyes were waiting to be reached
Sunset playing the fool marionette overly preached

So I  Bette
Beneath her wings
In the middle of their wed to be isles
The Green Gables emerald rings

Miss spinster-Sara Lee cake
His jeep was all she could take
How it ended up
In Greenwich Village then shipped
To Mystic Seaport Connecticut
The movie cut Cape Cod Massachusetts
The four letters in his pocket
Deeply 1 care 2 about 3 love 4

Needed a jump kickstart
Her breakfast  start of the day
 deeply cared for his way
He stumped over her honey
bunches of oats lips

The website
Go, Daddy acting love silly
The hot fun in the
International city
The UK that's OK
Mr. Bo Jangles spoiled deeply
*** in the City single
Deeply getting hurt
The Sin City

Did he see her progress
All over Twitter
He was so suited but lost
his tie twinkle tweets
Do I really live my life to dare
or deeply care?
I am ****** British give me
my English breakfast teas
for keeps
The King ain't got that swing
She acts too much like the Queen

The Royalty of love sanity
The heaping fine grain sugar spoon

(Duke of Earl gray) Deeply love Thee
But always came way too soon
She is the domestic cat going frantic

Great discoveries, and that's that
  Internships tug-cash or the hogwash
our colleagues  
The deep end "Crazy Eights
On the tenth physio natural
phenomena convent

All the Kingman no swords holding her
wrench
and knight horses unfortunate events
One day creation camel ride for miles
Reaching higher levels of toxins
and morons
Or teaching MLM  you asked for it
"The millionaire lost minds"

Were human TLC tender loving care
Like some playdough to the rooftop
Of Mentors, did they care
Who we deeply care about family
But more concerned
about the rise of money inventors
Even if life really *****
Oh! Fiddlesticks

The Moaning of life
Bring the Idiots aboard
The ***** of the night

He kinda ducks by the end of
your ***-light
Flex-body deeply cared for
Rumors and all philosophies
The shower like you was slashed
Left you bone dry without the cash
The thrill is gone your lovesick

She-devil  coffin red nails split Twilight zone

  The stars were in your corner
He deeply cared for you he was
your health kit
The Botanical Gardens

Like a figment of your imagination
Se demure you needed a
Florence Nightingale flower cure
To lift your depression to smile
You thought someone cared but all
misinterpretations

All misconceptions and misdemeanors
She takes so long putting on her
French lip glide Chanel liner
What could be ever cared for finer
Deeply digging holes like a miner

The solar rhythmic pointed finger
to the stars

So systematically
making a wish
just like everyone else
To plan your game
the game makes the plan
You deeply cared for delivery
Was I the care package

You weren't someone
just anybody like
A city dump garbage

Deeply wanting and waiting
So merely or rarely was it coming

Deeply seeing the next generation
The spectacular sunrise
White wicker twin set swing
Your heart pulls back but it was
so close to swinging forward
Moving towards your
accomplishments
The mess was all ****

"You have the exceptional mind like the beautiful mind"

People, you came across friends
Also, contributors  not the enemies
The country and the continents
Deeply cared for landmarks
The monuments how you love
her birthmark taking her hand

The Godly land such will command
moonwalker deeply cared for
All watered deep soul of lovers
The world of hands and
words became
such an impact

You felt like the creature so extinct
Things we deeply care about or no one doesn't understand our feeling we move or fly in all directions just to get the right affection
Mark Toney Oct 2019
“Take care of yourself first.”
That’s what we told my mama
When my daddy had his strokes.
Seven long years by his side,
Caring for his body, paralyzed.
Fearing for her health we said:
“You can’t take care of daddy
Till you care for yourself first.”
That’s what we told my mama,
Until my daddy died in 1985.

“Take care of yourself first.”
That’s what I told my wife
When her mom’s simple operation
Became a septic laceration.
As she tirelessly cared for mom
I feared for her well-being.
“You can’t take care of mom
Till you care for yourself first.”
That’s what I told my wife,
Until her mom passed on in 2011.

“Take care of yourself first.”
That’s what my wife told me
As my mama slowly wasted away,
Physically, mentally, emotionally.
And we willingly provided the
Loving care that she deserved.
“You can’t take care of mama
Till you care for yourself first.”
That’s what my wife told me,
Until my mama left the scene in 2015.

Take care of yourself first
When you experience the worst,
For if you fall apart, for certain
You’ll be someone else’s burden.
7/25/2018 - Poetry form: Free Verse - Sometimes we can be so busy being someone else's anchor that we don't realize we're slowly drowning. Always take care of yourself first! - Copyright © Mark Toney | Year Posted 2018
Brandon Jul 2014
I took a week off of writing. I told myself it was because I was pulling odd hours at work and only sleeping for three hours here and there whenever I was free to do so. I told myself this. All week long I told myself this, knowing that every time the thought crossed my mind that it was a lie. I repeated this lie over and over to the point that I almost was lucky enough to believe it.

But at the end, I couldn't maintain the lie. I was stuck. I did not run out of words and I did not run out of ideas. They were scrambled up in my head begging to be plucked and put in order. I ignored their pleas. I ignored everything. It's a special talent of mine.

The truth that I came to realize was that I had ran out of the ability to care. I didn't care to write. I didn't care about the swarm of nouns, verbs, adjectives, and other elementary school english crap buzzing about in my head; thru my veins. I didn't care if they ever came out or faded into some obscene death. I didn't care any longer if my words continued to be ignored. I didn't care if the couple of people that read them missed them. I didn't care if it showed five days, ten weeks, fifteen years between the last thing I wrote to the most recent.

I didn't care.

I still don't care.

But try to keep a writer from writing and his heart will no longer care to keep beating.

I'm not sure if I even care about that.

*But I'm writing.
Deadwood Jawn Jul 2019
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?
Don't you care that he's crying?

I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..
I'll look after you dear..

G̭ͮͮ̄͗ͬ̿ͧȉ̠͓͉͉̹̭͈͕̏͛͊̉v̩̦̹̲̮͖̭̼ͦ̂̒ͩͫ̓ͨ̊ͯe̱̯̙̓̈ͩ͛̾ͦͫͧ̒ ̳ͤ̇̃ͩ̌̎ͯ̊h̼̯̱̯͙̹̣̩͉ͮͮ͌ĕ̮͈̠r̬̲͗ ̘̟̈ͮ̔ͨ̌b̠͙̝̮̣̥͌͑ͧ́̃ͮ͛̽a̯͕̗͚̽̉̀c̻͙͍ͫͩ͑̽ͪͯ̄k̼̰̮̤͇͍̉̚!̯̰̱̪̈́




G̾ͥ­͓̟͈͓͉͚̉̏̾i̩̦̠̗̺̯͚ͪͭ̓̅͗͒ͭͨṿ͓̰̙̤̬̭͍̳̖̺̻̗̊̽̄̓ͮͯ͛ê͂̎͌̈̅̑̂ͩͨͣ̊͆͑͌ͥͨ̚­͈͍̦̬͚̗̫̩̳̘̙̗̖̳͇̪̖ͅ ̻̙̪̬͕͇̯̲͎̺̦̘̒͂̿̂̈ͅh̬̟͔̻̰̣͔̣͎͎͗̑ͧͩ͛͆́ͪ̑̈ͭ́̄̇̒ͩ̍ͯ̚e͆̋̃̇̍ͬͭ͆͆̊̃̽̑̈́̇̚­͙͉̗̲̦̋̈́r̲̮͉̞̜̟͙̹̤̞̦̰̥̗͎̲̟̝̐ͫ̐ͮ͛͆ͮ͒̅ͧ̂̈̊ ͇̺̲͇̣̱̫̜̬̳̇̈͑ͯͫ̄̋̔͒͑ͯ̔ͦ͌ͯb̻̣͍̻̜̘͚̭̳̬́͊ͬͪ̑̏̈́̅͒ͅä̲̻̲͈͍̘͈̙̱̜̩̹̱͕́̓̆ͅ­̻ċ̫͔͚̬̦̙̝͔̹̮̀̊͋̀͊̓k̹̻̩̤̐ͪͦͩ͋̅̈ͬ̒ ͙̬͖̭̤̱̖͚̣̍͊́͂ͦt̲̟̘͈̻̻̺̖͎͎̟̗̘̽ͯ̇͂̌͗̉̾͒̅ͬ̉ͯ̽̉͑ͭͅo̖̝̲̿ͨͤ̈̒̏̋͊͐ͨ ̰̺̫̩͙̜͇̲̱͇͍͚̜̯̳̪̟͎ͪ͗͒̈́ͮ͑̽ͧͮ͑̊ͨ̊̇ͦͣḿ̻̺̰̥̮͚̹͔̥͈̙ͮ̃̈ͯ̾̂̓̂̌̾͛̐ͪͮe͐̚­̠̱̳͙̠̱͓̙̻̼͎̹͔̻̦̠̐ͣ͆̄ͫ̍ͅ!̳̻͔̙͔͚̫̭̥̰͖ͪͤ̎͐̈́ͮ͂̄̏̍͐̈ͫ̈́̓̂




__
There. Something to do with that . There are none to look after him.
Lila Valentine Nov 2014
Fell For You*

So I’ve heard
That you don’t care at all
I’d thought you did
I’d thought you did
I’d thought you--

And I’ve heard
That someone’s needed you
Just like I have
Just like I have
Just like--

There’s many
That thought they’d understood me
Well they were wrong
And I thought that I would know you
But you broke me
When I thought you could fix me
But on that night
I realized I could see
You hate me

You revealed the truth to me not knowing
You revealed to me too much I understood
If you’d told me it would hurt so much I
Never would’ve dared to talk to you at all

Can’t you hear?
My heart is beating fast
When I stand there
Here, right by your side
It’s what I’m thinking to myself
I’m just dreaming
Can’t you see the truth in me?
I needed you
For reasons real, not rumors
You hate me
You revealed the truth to me not knowing
You revealed to me too much I understood
If you’d told me it would hurt so much I
Never would’ve dared to talk to you at all

You revealed the truth to me not knowing
You revealed to me too much I understood
If you’d told me it would hurt so much I
Never would’ve dared to talk to you at all

I fell for you ‘cause I thought you’d help
I fell for you ‘cause I thought you’d help

Me live

You may not care about this but
I’ve often wanted life to end
You’ve kept me here so far
Unknowingly

(You may not care, not care about this)
And you may not care about this but
(You may not care, not care about this)
I’ve often wanted life to end
(You may not care, not care about this)
You’ve kept me here so far
(You may not care, not care about this)
Unknowingly

You may not care about this but
I’ve often wanted life to end
You’ve kept me here so far
Unknowingly

You may not care about this but
I’ve often wanted life to end
You’ve kept me here so far
Unknowingly

You revealed the truth to me not knowing
You revealed to me too much I understood
(At all)
If you’d told me it would hurt so much I
Never would’ve dared to talk to you at all
(At all)

You revealed the truth to me not knowing
You revealed to me too much I understood
(At all)
If you’d told me it would hurt so much I
Never would’ve dared to talk to you at all
(At all)

You revealed the truth to me not knowing
You revealed to me too much I understood
(At all)*
If you’d told me it would hurt so much I
Never would’ve dared to talk to you at all
I wrote this using the song "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance. It'll make more sense if you read the words and listen to the music at the same time.

I DO NOT OWN FAMOUS LAST WORDS OR MCR
Dinah M Jan 2015
He isn't "lost." Don't help him.
I don't care.

He isn't "torn."
I don't care.

He's arrogant.
I don't care.

He's insensitive.
I don't care.

He can't even sing!
I don't care.

He doesn't deserve your tears.
I don't care.

He doesn't think about you.
I don't care.

He doesn't love you.
I don't care.

He loves her.
I don't care.

He doesn't care.
I don't care.

Then what do you care about?
Him.

— The End —