bluevelvet Jun 3
There is barely a handful of boys I remember the moment we met.
One was when we were kids,
Freckled and still learning.
I bet the skinny girls and nonstraight guys
Would be in complete disbelief of it
But it was me,
I am a country song.
And he picked grass and he picked me.

The next was true.
A friend I cry over.
He was sweet and kind.
And so was I.
Shoes didn't matter as he laced his fingers
Over his mouth.
To admire,
To realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The next is bitter.
And I talk about it in anger.
Fuck him.
bluevelvet Apr 13
It feels like this.
When you're sinking further into the ocean
And all you can see is the sharks and the snakes
And you can only move with the shaking of finger tips

All the regret and could habe beens,
The should habe beens al wish I could be younger
Drags you further down
Until you're sea level of the floor

The coral and seaweed wraps you up.
Every scream of a name or two or three escapes
And travels to the surface to even
Being ignored by the seagulls

Or you're alone,
Soaking wet in your room
Can't even look at a mirror
Because every inch of you screams
Liability

Putting listings out for guys that aren't it but
Are a bigger picture of it all
But wanting to put a hit out
For your ownself

Make it easy, messy free.
A bullet to the head,
Three months to tell all them you tried.

Because you did.

You tried being kind enough,
Skinny and perfect enough.

You tried until it really mattered.
And you let yourself go.

You break and bend and you wish

You'd fucking kill

To try again
bluevelvet Apr 7
Your mood swings toward me
Are drastically unproportined that even I
Can't keep up with them
But I'm headstrong, I know how this goes
Every person I meet is an Anne Frank
And I am drowning beside Hitler
Only one can be saved

I don't know.
Maybe it's because this liquid courage
Strengthens my backbone just enough
To think easily of how those headlights seem
To be on the right side of the road but really,
They're just barely over the yellow,
Just enough so that the bones in my nose and forehead
Disintegrate into the tinniest pieces,
Slicing through my brain

Liquid courage helps spill my guts,
Not my blood

And I know what you're thinking
That this is a bigger joke than even myself,
That it's disgusting and maybe pathetic
But it's actually just entirely sad

Because there's no use for miscalculations,
There's no worry of the outcome
When you feel like life is not worth living
And the fact stretch marks don't even come close as to why
You're not even halfway good enough
For boy's like that

But the daydreams,
The longing of a hand on your thigh
While he's driving you to his favorite place
Or the first kiss you share,
Holding you every night

It makes the dull lit flame in you,
That you have no idea how or why is still there,
Spark and grow into this wildfire within your chest,
Tightening and warming it as you breath.

And that's exactly what you do.

You breath, you smile,
You imagine

Because there, in your imagination,
A boy like him would never hurt you
A boy like him would care
bluevelvet Apr 6
There's one vital scene I watch
Over and over again.
And I almost want to do it.
I know what you're thinking.
She's lying.
She's dramatic.
She wants attention.
And maybe you're right.

But I set there before.
In the bathtub.
And the blade was in my fingers.

And you can know me for a hundred million reasons
But each of them fades when I want to see my blood
Because I think life would be better,
Would be simple
If I couldn't feel

I am letting down the only person I have left.
The only one that stuck around after
They told me he was the dark path,
Wrong road to follow

And it isn't you that I sesrch for
But I can tell you know.

One flinch of the nose,
Hannah decides to have more balls than me

But I look at my finger tips.
They are rough and chewed.
They are old.

I can take the shaking,
The vomiting
The stumbles and slurred words

But I look at them and I want what you have
The smallest heart beat in the world,
Fingers around my pointer finger
The love of my life there,
Beside me

And for once,
For fucking once
They say,

"You need to eat"

Because the feeling of bones is better than my worth
The feeling of belonging is better than my tears

And bob doesn't know me today,
Or ever really,
But giving up isn't in my blood
bluevelvet Mar 31
I encountered two addicts today.
One didn't even attemp to hide it
As she spaced out, listening to me
She licked her fingers and touched my change,
I almost wanted to complain
But I didn't

I have been there before,
Numb to the world,
Wanting the next fix
Slow movements and slurred words

Smack!
Like the ant size of my worth,
Crush it on the counter

And out of the 700 things you could have said,
You said that.
I'm sure somewhere written between the pages
That I spit on, yelled at, cried on, punched and scratched
It says for you to do it

I am an addict myself,
The only unconditional love I have ever found
Hardly asks for anything,
Is faithful through and through
The coldest of loves but keeps me warm,
Keeps me alive

But there's other addictions that's worse,
Far more dangerous
And that's where you fall

Because I remember you too
And you are far different from back then

My ant sized worth has been squished and kicked around,
Forgotten, regretted, hated
I am laying on my back in this ocean of life,
And I almost get to shore until the smallest of waves
Breaks on my face and fills my mouth
And I am drowning,
Lost in everything wrong and everything that could be right


But you are not alone
bluevelvet Mar 3
You keep up the work, baby.
You're a real crowed pleaser.
Bite that toung, not that food.
And you can finally see it.
That face is thinner,
Those fingers overlap more.

You're on the right track, girl.
You a bad baby with a whirlwind storm.
Two years top,
Buy that couch.
Find that stranger and make it obvious.

A colorful accent,
Rosy cheeks,
Lopsided smile.

Let him feel those hipbones, sweet thang.
Do some cocaine or ecstasy on that bone,
His choice because it is.

Bounce and you grind it, baby girl.
Suck that neck and watch the sun rise.
Tell him. Demand him to listen.

"You see, I was never enough.
Never for the flash of cameras,
The holy trinity of delusion,
The fear of opening up.
I was a child, working for some kind of love."

And you smile because he's about to climax.

"Life is about compromising for the one you love."

You hop off, yiu throw him to the gravel.
Dump that lighter fluid, sweet child.
You use your last bit of strength to lift it up.
Toss that shit over the cliff.
Flick the match to follow.

And you look up.
The sun is up.
The wetness on your face dries.

Fold up the childish things,
Compromise with the ones you love.

One of these days,
You'll be good enough to be engaged too.
bluevelvet Mar 2
Nephew*
That's the name of the game.
Nose Go
That's how you start.
One two worded hint
Worthless fatass.
The rules are simple.
There is only one rule
It's a delight to break,
Hard to forget when implanted.
You can collect dust in your room
Or spend time with your family.
You can explore,
Foot accessible form.
You can do anything.
But you can't sit around and play rewind.

Of the strob lights,
Hands in the air.
She's a queen working hard for that money.
And you sit alone,
Drink the nastiest thing to ever be created.
You go home alone to the sound of a scream.
Dear God, here.
Take it. Take the fucking pack,
My father's car.
Point me in the direction to hit restart.

But not the point of laying in his room.
Dusty and grimy,
He can't even stand the sight of you.
But when he blows smoke into your mouth,
It's the only thing you have sustainable.
So you hold on.
And you walk in the summer heat,
You lose that weight.
But he isn't there.
And your eyes twitch.
No glass table is as fragile as your reputation.
And you're sitting in your yard,
The sun's going down.
It makes a grey and blue hue.
But not the same kind.

So let's go back more.

You're fourteen and you grab your crotch.
He rolls his eyes,
It's just a front.
He ties the knot and sits down.
There's so much to learn about him.
So you get up.
You follow him to the porch.
Is the rain cold?
Is the birds chirping?
Does your weight cause the gravel to squish louder?
You don't know.

Do you not get addicted to drugs?
Do you go to college?
Do you eat healthier?
Would you have been enough?

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

You bite your lip as he stands up,
Illuminated by the grey and blue flooding her room.
He was a fucking God to your innocence.
But you don't follow him.
The puff of cool morning air and the rain,
It would have been bigger than his.

And now?
  *Now you walk alone
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