i'm sitting on my front porch with
thoughts in my head slamming against my skull.
constantly reminding me, "that i could never be the girl he needs or
that i loved him more than he loved me."
taking pills and pills just to forget you,
isn't working anymore.
suddenly, drowning my demons
in drugs wasn't enough anymore.

it's 6 am
i haven't gone to bed
i'm stuck in this thought of you
that i wish i didn't have.

it's 6 am
i'm on my roof gazing off
into the sunrise.
i can't compare you to the
sun anymore because the sun
gives me hope that everything
will be alright.

it's 6:30 am
you are no longer my sun
you are no longer what i hope
for in life
you are no longer in my thoughts.

you clipped my wings
then asked why i didn't fly.
you drowned me and asked
me why i didn't survive.
you broke me and asked me
why i couldn't be the same.
you told me you did those things
for my own good.
how can you possibly
still tell me you love me after
all the things you've done to me?

he poured poison down
my throat and called it poetry.
he tried to explain to me that
our love was never real.
he felt nothing at all
when i was the one feeling
everything.
he told me to forgive him
for ruining me.
but all i knew is that i was
his damaged goods, his non existing love,
his poised poetry.

i never thought i’d find comfort in a voice.
i never thought i'd find comfort in you.

I want to write but every time
I write, it’s about you.
And it hurts to write about you.

it's really sad to know that you looked at me once
the same way you look at her now. and
it kills me to know that she is your
happiness now.

he was my person, he was everything.
he was the flowers that grew in the spring time
but when he left, all i got stuck with were
these roots sticking out the cracks in the cement.

i thought
nothing hurt as much
as hating yourself
and then i fell in love
with someone who didn't
love me back
and it was the most painful thing of
all.
maybe because he started
seeing me the way i
see myself.

people are not the rain
or snow or autumn leaves
they do not look pretty when they
fall down.
people are not the sunrise
in the morning nor the sunset
they do not look pretty when
the day is starting or the
day is ending.
people are not meant
to be romanticized because
everyone is different,
and people simply don't
share the same story.

i found my sweet escape
when i'm with you.

i found my sweet escape
when i dream about
how much the sun loves
the moon.

but unfortunately,
my sweet escape didn't think
the same.

my sweet escape didn't think
of me nor did it dream
about our love.

my sweet escape doesn't exist.

Never call someone your home
never compare someone to a home.

because once the person
you used to call home abandons'
you, you'll be homeless
and be left feeling homesick.

Never call someone your home.

it feels like my body was meant
to be with yours.
our hands fitting like perfect
puzzle pieces. our breathing,
in a perfect rhythm, along with our heartbeat.

my body was meant to be with
yours because with out you here i
feel like i run out of oxygen
and i will soon die.

my body was build to be with yours.

most nights i think about you.
most nights i think about my future.

but very few nights,
i think about me not being able
to live without you,
and how far will i make it.

i really don't know how to start
this but here you go.

you don't know what i've
been through these years since you've
been gone.
you don't know how much i suffered
with you gone, and being alone.
but i guess it was all my fault, right?
i was the one who pushed you away, i was the
one who told you i didn't need you right?
no, you told me those things which
ended up leaving me completely hollow inside.

this is a letter for you.
for the one who left me when i needed them
the most, for the one who told me pretty
white lies just to keep me hypnotized,
and to the one who didn't love me at all.

well guess what? *******.
i did get better in fact, i'm happy now.
and the thing that makes me proud of
myself even more, is that i didn't
need you in my life to make me happy anymore.

goodbye.

they're always going to be changes
in our life, but it is up to
us to control them.

some of those changes might
not be able to control so easily,
but we have to be able to
accept them and move on.

in the course of living 18
years, i know now what is my happiness.
it's not relaying on a person anymore,
but on doing things that make me happy.

my happiness doesn't come from a person,
but from objects.
music, writings, photography, nature and more.

i've learned that if you rely on
people to bring you happiness, it will never come.
on the other hand, they won't even show
you positive sides to life.
and i learned this the hard way.

my happiness is enjoying
the things i love to do and making
myself happy rather than relying
on others to do it for me.

when i was little, all i knew about pain
was the sting on my knees after i fell
or the pain i felt after i
couldn't get the toy i wanted.

but growing up i now know what pain
is like. it can be deceiving
yet quite charming.

at first, pain comes in the sweetest times,
times where i felt infinite,
then the bitter of it call all at once
like a bolt of high electricity
running through my body.

it wasn't the usual pain i was feeling,
it was more than that.
it was the pain of looking myself in the mirror,
it was the pain of constant thoughts
of feeling hatred towards myself,
and it wasn't the pain that i could
fix in a day, more like years.

now i know what pain
really feels like.
and it isn't a beautiful kind of
pain that shouldnt be romanticized over,
or any pain that someone should ever be feeling.

it scares me to think about the future.
thinking about who i'm going
to be, what am i going to do,
or even if i'm going to be happy.

but what scares me the most about the future,
is not only me having to grow up,
but if i'm still going to love
you with all my heart and soul,
and if your going to love me back the same.

that boy which i thought was
perfect, really wasn't

he had flaws just  like
anybody else, he
wasn't the smartest person
around
but i loved him so.

that boy that hurt me in the end
really didn't know what
he was doing, so i forgave him.

that boy which was only a star in the sky,
but i knew he was my world.

but that boy, that boy that
i can keep writing about,
really did have a big part in my life
which i will never forget.

oh, and how i loved him so.

life is like a ocean
it can go through some harsh
storms but there
are days were it is incredibly beautiful.

life is like a flower
it can be so breathtaking and
bring happiness to people,
but it ends up dying.  

life is like the sky
there are many stages
in the sky from
gloomy, sunny, and bipolar times
but it will always be there.

life can come with many
obstacles, but it is
up to us to know how to get
over them and to enjoy life
as much as
we can before we leave it.

i'm scared that i'm never
going to be happy.

or that i'm never going to
get better or fully recover.

i'm scared that one day i'll have
the courage to **** myself and i
won't regret it at all.

i'm scared to see other people see me
the way i see myself.

i'm scared to see the people i love
the most not love me back
in return.

i'm so scared to not have the thing
that makes me happy no
longer in my life.

but one thing that i'm not
scared of is loving you till
the very end.

little girl, things aren't always okay
things aren't always going to go your way.
but that's okay.

little girl, everything is going to get bad,
but you know what? you are strong enough.
you just have to learn how to be tough
when those hard times come.

you're going to do many mistakes,
but those make you the person you are going to be.

little girl, there is going to be one point in your
life where you just want to end
it all
but everything is going to be just fine.

little girl, just remember this,
never doubt the people who are
going to be in your life that
actually love you. don't lose them.

little girl, you're going to be alright.

"Find what you love and let it **** you" -Bukowski*
this is a response to this quote i find intriguing.*

well i found what i love, and it
wasn't the type of love
you can get over in a day or in a year.

that love came in a form of a human
being, a great genuine boy-- well i thought.
he wasn't the most perfect human being
in the world,
but i loved him.

slowly but surly, the love we had
didn't last.
he started to move on with out me
leaving me behind.
but in my mind,
oh god how much i loved him,
i couldn't seem let him go.

the love that i had for this boy,
slowly did end up killing me.
not physically but emotionally.  

the sad part of it all,
i don't know if i should believe
in love anymore.

sometimes i wish someone can
save me from myself.

but i learned that the only
person who can save me from myself
is me.

and from this day on, i still
remember how it felt the
day you left me with no explanation.

making me feel like a unwanted
piece of crap with having no
reason to live anymore.

you were the blood in my veins,
the reason i was alive,
but now that you're gone i have
no reason to live anymore.

i just hope that one day
you know what you caused.