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Jun 12 · 47
Shoes
Rickey Spence Jun 12
4/13/2021

I went to the shoe store,
To buy myself some support.
I was looking for trail runners,
But I walked out with flip-flops.

Don’t get me wrong, they were great!
They didn’t have a tongue,
They were all sole with one Y,
I didn’t need anything more than that.

But I find that when I flip,
They’re the first ones to flop,
And I’m left with no backup,
After I’ve walked all over my shoes.
Jun 12 · 53
Tell-Tale
Rickey Spence Jun 12
4/13/2021

I just wanna sleep,
But the caffeine in my veins,
Tells me it’s gonna happen otherwise.
I wanna run and leap,
But the veins in my calves,
Tell me I haven’t exercised.

I just want some quiet,
But the ringing in my ears,
Tells me to forget it.
I wanna seem like-minded,
But the grinding of the gears,
Tells me they won’t get it.
Jun 12 · 46
Dumb
Rickey Spence Jun 12
4/6/2021

It’s not stupid to get excited,
About something you love.
It’s not stupid to have struggled,
‘Til you wanted to give up.
It’s not stupid to sometimes forget,
All the details that I said.
Jun 12 · 34
Hook
Rickey Spence Jun 12
4/5/2021

Take a second shower
And wash off all the sweat.
Put off ‘til tomorrow
All the work that I’ve got.

Oh, I just wanna write
Forget all my issues.
I’ve ideas that’re bright
That come to my rescue.

I take a second look
The list isn’t shorter.
My hat’s back on the hook
The hook of the author.
Jun 12 · 28
Don't Talk Like That
Rickey Spence Jun 12
3/29/2021

Don’t talk like that,
As if your defining quality,
Was the number of your atrocities.
As if what made you unique,
Were the things that made you weak.
Don’t talk like that.

When I talk like that,
Tell me who I am to you,
What I hoped, but never knew.
Tell me what you see in me,
What’s hidden needs to be free,
When I talk like that.
Jun 12 · 40
Margins
Rickey Spence Jun 12
3/22/2021

In my
Own
Shoes.

On my
Own
Feet.

Through
My own
Eyes.

With
My own
Hands.

Do
I
Move.

Do
I
Stand.

Do
I
See.

Do
I
Act.

3/26/2021

I
Am
Nothing.

I
Am
Last.

Give
Me
Nothing.

Leave
Me
Last.­

Sacrifice
My
Life.

Any
Price
I’ll pay.

Surrender
My
Life.

Any
Control
I’ll pay.

3/29/2021

The world
Is dripping
With
Sanitizer
My hands
Are slipping
From what
Is wiser

The mind
Is wand’ring
While the
Body stays
My feet
Are standing
While the
Optics gaze
Jun 12 · 26
Vomit Pt.4
Rickey Spence Jun 12
3/21/2021

Wouldn’t you love a piggyback,
Off of what I stuff a piggy bank?
Just leave the pieces on that table,
Where it used to sit with that jingle.
Shattered dreams with broken swine,
Scattered screams – my stolen dimes.

You don’t care about the bystanders,
You aren’t fair by your standards.
Confusion – your warning smile,
Conclusion – your warming style.
Words that feel hot under my collar,
Alerts where I wheel a rudder of honor.
You should be hanging framed pictures,
Instead you’re aiming pulled triggers.

Somewhere is the cheer,
I sit at a full table,
But my mind is the more crowded.
Anywhere but here,
From the inside surrounded.
Where to? About time I mounted.

A shiver shoots down my spine,
My heart accelerates,
I hear footsteps behind me,
But I don’t dare look,
I know they’re not even there,
I sleep soundly at night,
Knowing it’s all in my head.

I can’t get outdoors,
If I have to throw
Out doors for windows,
In order to grow.
So I’ll stay indoors
And keep ’em all closed.

You’re on the top floor? Sorry
But it’s a single-story,
Everybody’s got the same story,
Chasing the same glory.

If you think you fancy my time,
Better have deep pockets.
If you wanna see my insides,
You better have sleek sockets.
But if you wish to know my mind,
Be ready to weep by buckets.
Jun 12 · 159
Instinct
Rickey Spence Jun 12
3/18/2021

You have good instincts.
Trust them not to betray you.
Trust them to carry you far.
Trust them to bring you close.
Trust them to keep you safe.
Jun 12 · 28
Familiar
Rickey Spence Jun 12
3/3/2021

If the eyes are the window to the soul,
Then how do I draw the curtains?
How do I turn the deadbolts?
How do I latch the storm shutters?

Give me a doorbell I can ignore,
Give me a peephole to spy through.
So when they come to stare and admire,
It’s my choice if they’re invited in.

If the eyes are the window to the soul,
I’m wearing dark sunglasses,
I’m hiding what you could read into,
I’m saving their contact for the familiar.
Jun 12 · 24
Deprivation
Rickey Spence Jun 12
2/22/2021

Do you ever feel like crawling under a rock,
Hiding there ‘til the reset of the Clock,
Staying until everything is dead and gone,
Until everyone who knew you has passed on?

Life kicks the knees for diversion,
Then it drops the crushing burden.
While you cower on the ground,
It hits you again while you’re down.

I’m racing Gravity to the summit,
He’s always behind me as he plummets.
Relatively, am I really prevailing?
With him, I could be equally failing.

The less of Sleep I get, the more I want.
She’s a terrible tease becoming fond.
The hours of the night are unrestricted,
Anything can happen with dreams scripted.

My Thoughts sped off, jumping the gun,
And now I’m chasing my own cognition.
Are my neurons a waste of oxygen?
Why is the pit I’m feeding in suspension?
Jun 12 · 35
Unwelcome
Rickey Spence Jun 12
2/17/2021

You covered the world with a blanket of lies
But now your blood flows the streets like a river
You turned everything white as if it were pure
But now the end has come to your coat of death
Your shy retreat was slower than your coming
And now the world returns like soldiers from war
Jun 12 · 25
Reality
Rickey Spence Jun 12
2/12/2021

God wove the fabric of reality with thread made of Love.
He created the pattern in His Image using a loom called Might.
The fabric was decorated with Holiness and scented with Purity.
It was displayed with Intelligent Design and Truth,
Set up behind windows of Beauty in a shop called Mercy and Grace.
He gave it to man for free to benefit His Glory.

Man stumbled upon this gift that had no Price.
He gazed upon it with eyes of Greed and Selfishness.
He stepped forward on shoes of Impatience.
Through the window went the rock of Pride.
He stole the fabric and called it Mine.
In a bag called Fraud, he covered the Truth with Lies.

Man claimed the beautiful fabric to be found by Chance.
He told a story about its Nature and called it Science.
He used it unsustainably to benefit his Comfort.
Man studied the fabric to replicate it as an Innovation.
He sold the knock-off fabric in a store called Modernism.
Sales brought in Profit, but the fabric was a poor Substitute.

One day God is coming back to reveal Reality,
He will tell the Story of History from a view outside of Time,
And God will enact Justice on those who denied His Gift and its Power.
Jun 12 · 27
Study
Rickey Spence Jun 12
1/27/2021

Feet dragging, has it been a long day?
Eyes smiling, what do you look forward to?
Friends laughing, what’s their inside joke?
Legs sprinting, are you late for class?
Voice yelling, why are you so passionate?
Face beaming, do you love the snow?
Coat lacking, are you unprepared or just used to it?
Arms waving, who are you excited to see?

Mouth silent, what thoughts are behind those eyes?
Stride confident, what trials have you overcome?
Back bent, how many books do you carry?
Dress exercent, what opportunities await?
Mission apparent, will your task succeed?
Trips frequent, how many rounds are left?
Work efficient, what job will be next?
Air independent, what’s holding you back?
Jun 12 · 39
Pondering
Rickey Spence Jun 12
1/19/2021

As I walked in the forest one windy day,
I saw a group of birds on a branch.
As they huddled together in the cold,
They chirped from their place of safety,
And waited contentedly.
Jun 12 · 22
Dreaming
Rickey Spence Jun 12
1/5/2021

I’ve been dreaming of a suntan.
Of flip flops, iced tea, and sunglasses.
I’ve been dreaming of road trips.
Of campfires, gasoline, and mountaintops.

But I keep opening my eyes to frost.
To snow, ice, and wind.
And I keep on missing the sun.
The heat, rain, and summer.
Jun 12 · 19
Sickness
Rickey Spence Jun 12
12/13/2020

Cold and tasteless.
Is the air.
Dry and lifeless,
Lightheaded is every breath.

Hot and sweaty.
Is my skin.
Weak and rapid,
Troubled is my heartbeat.

Muted and thirsty.
Are all smells.
Pacing and worried,
Ambivalent is my disposition.

Boring and tight.
Is this room.
Barren and absent,
Unproductive is every second.
Jun 12 · 27
Wake Me Up
Rickey Spence Jun 12
11/18/2020

I don’t want to be a person that everybody wants to be,
Why should they look at me and think I have it all together?
Do I put on a show so good they believe it?
My careless apathy is bliss,
But if I showed them that I actually did care,
Would that give them too much power over me?
How many times have I scrolled my contacts?
Deleting numbers, cutting contact.
I’m intimidating sometimes, but what if I have fears of my own?
But really, I have nothing to fear-
Does that mean I fear everything equally?
Could showing fear give me control, if ever so little?
Why is it so empowering to be weak?
What is to be gained by complaining?
Why does it feel good to put yourself down?
But sadness is never as good as joy,
In an instant, comes the surrender to cheerlessness.
But how many words can turn joy into heartache?
How long does it take for broken to be mended?
Are the hours in a day too many?
Why is another sunrise the only thing I’m waiting for?
Will the vagueness of night give way to clarity?
I could ask a million questions, but what do I do with them?
Will the answer I’m seeking satisfy my thirst?
Does a question end only with its answer?
Is a destination the death of a journey?
Or are there paths worth abandoning in the spirit of trust?
How long until there is peace in this tempest?
How many steps are left up this staircase?
I was never lost, but I don’t know where I am.
There has always been One who knows my situation,
Even though I chose to take many steps alone.
Do I possess the strength to do the hard things?
Or will I remain icebound in this paralysis,
As I watch opportunities follow their course without me?
Do I possess the strength to motivate a good cause?
Or will someone else fill the empty shoes I should’ve?
My ears were cold, so I put on earmuffs,
Oh my soul! Grab a megaphone and wake me up!
Pierce the dampened holes of my sleeping heart.
Jun 12 · 19
Joy
Rickey Spence Jun 12
Joy
11/12/2020

Dear Lord, it’s me again…
I’m confused. Where has my joy gone?
Who broke in to steal it?
Or did I give it away,
Traded away by my compulsion?
But now that I’m remembering You,
Your joy fills my heart and I find a smile!
There’s a funny thing about joy:
I choose it some days,
But other days I’d rather not.
But despair is not a means for attention.

Eyes open, the day’s begun,
My first thoughts hit like bullets,
Lists of things I have to do,
Ways I wasted my weekend,
Things I have to worry about,
Plans I still have to make,
Conversations I must rehearse.
Here I pray to You, calling out,
I won’t make it, not like this!
And You take it all away,
Lord, where would I be without You?

But when my day begins with happiness,
Temporary excitement seems sufficient.
Why do I forget the source of every good thing?
Blessings aren’t arbitrary, Your love is intentional.
Lord, I’m learning to delight in You,
To see the opportunities before me.
You’ve shown me my weakness,
I’ve seen my need for You.
Why do I let one bad thing ruin my day?
Spilled milk can’t spoil You plan for me!
You pick me up when I fall at Your feet.

So Lord, please help me choose joy.
I don’t want to settle for less,
When I can count it joy in every trial.
You are my Joy, nothing else can be!
Oct 2020 · 494
Poem 91
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
10/21/2020

Is immaturity an ignorance of pain?
Is it laughing at serious matters?
Simple dialogue is useless to me,
When it leaves me further to myself.

Is maturity a mournful acceptance of life?
Is it falling silent in respectful thought?
Meaningful conversation is useless to me,
If it only leaves me closer to the unreachable.
Oct 2020 · 33
Woodpecker
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
9/15/2020

I have a woodpecker in my treehouse,
He finishes his pounding and bows.
My tongue bids him a friendly farewell,
But I hope he never returns or fares well.

My treehouse of all places!!!
Why won’t he respect my special spaces?
It’s the only tree in this yard, I know,
But when I need peace, it’s where I go.

He stops and knocks where he pleases,
Who cares what he builds, I like when it ceases.
It’s probably a home for his family,
But how could I stand living more unhappily?

Pounding multiplied, sounding terrified,
If this bird seems polite, picture a parasite.
See it from my perspective,
And you’ll understand it’s not subjective.

‘Cause when my peace is destroyed,
With everyone I’m annoyed.
They’re on my permanent bad side,
Made out to be turbulent bad guys.

I’m struggling to bring this metaphor around,
And I’ve gotta leave my answer left unfound.
The tree is my head, its house my mind,
The bird is an ache, that I really do mind.
Oct 2020 · 36
Vomit Pt.3
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
9/5/2020

How many times will this happen,
Why do I repeat these actions?
How long will I fail at the same task,
Before I realize I’ve never asked?
You’re waiting to bless my socks off,
But You are not a controlling God.

Some people’s wisdom is really humor,
Cuz they said my brain had a bright future,
So bright, it’s like I’m light-headed,
But how do they know where I’m headed?
That’s easy for them to say,
When they’re them; but I’m me, okay?

They’ve made exceptions for me and all,
But that don’t make me exceptional.
It makes me feel entitled,
Like I deserve better treatment.
And when I’m treated like I deserve,
It really gets on my nerves.

I’m scared to ask, I guess,
‘Cause I know you’ll say, “Yes!”
If I say it’s my best now,
I’m definitely holding out.
But if you see through and call my bluff,
I’ll probably walk off with a huff.

Before you slip into deadly habits,
Be sure to count your hatchets.
If you ever think you can’t wait for something,
You’ve got another thing coming.
Sometimes you just need a week in the dark,
To see that in Life it’s worth aiming far.

Change takes a wash with a rinse cycle,
Then a dryer for the tears by the eyeful.
Trying to burn it down? Fire works.
When it’s over celebrate with fireworks!
Can’t have a shadow without light,
But one day wrong will be made right.

I grew tired of correcting people for so long,
So now I just leave them in the wrong.
Instead of dumb, they feel clever,
But they’re duller than ever.
But what’s the difference, really,
Between thinking and speaking – it’s silly!

I’ve got physical pains from my mental problems,
I really hate em, and I’ll never solve ’em.
But I don’t have to when I have them covered,
By the One on that cross who suffered.
Yet I still feel the convulsions,
Every time I turn from Your instructions.

I don’t get easily excited,
My face, like my tongue, is quiet.
When you try to surprise me,
Acting all sneaky like spies be,
I shrug it off like I already knew it,
And you’re thinking, “Man I really blew it!”

Growing up, I truly learned a lot,
But how much was really taught?
It was all learned my own way,
Growing from my mistakes.
I only knew to act in responsibility,
After I failed and left myself in fragility.

Swords and arrows really break my soul,
But with words, I stop and think until I know.
Suffocation by my own breath isn’t comical,
With circular reasoning and faulty logicals.
Please update your bulletin boards,
Don’t send hate and bullets through boards.

I know how to shut down a conversation,
When I put my tongue in operation.
I’m a most interesting person, I promise;
But I’m bad at first impressions.
When you give up, saying “***** it,”
I shrug, thinking, “I really blew it…”
Oct 2020 · 39
Feeble
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
9/1/2020

I smile,
But you can’t see it.
I speak,
But my words are hard to hear.
I’m distant,
But I’m not avoiding you,
I’m trapped in a box,
But not by my own choosing.

I walk,
But I arrive nowhere.
I hide,
But I leave before I’m found.
I’m quiet,
But I have more to say than ever.
I’m weary,
But not physically.

I contemplate,
But I don’t understand.
I look,
But I can’t find the answers.
I’m praying,
And God is still my Reliant One.
I’m holding,
And my God is still unshifting.

I smile,
And my God sees it.
I speak,
And my faint words are heard.
I’m distant,
But He’s always beside me.
I’m weary,
But He gives me His strength.
Oct 2020 · 31
Crowd
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
8/22/2020

Recognizing faces. Forgetting names.
Seeing friends. Feeling strange.
Everything’s the same, but it’s all changed.
The new normals ****, I wanna go back.
Lessons learned in this lame lot as I’m living life,
Chemicals cleaning, fears screaming.
If I said I didn’t care, I’m lying,
I’ve just given up trying.
It’s not just me, we all feel it,
Overwhelmed, gloomy, pathetic.
How long can they keep this going?
When will their fatigue start showing?
Fitting in never sounded befitting,
But if I can lead by my ample example,
Is that a worthwhile gamble?
Psalm ninety-one, five and six give me backbone,
Then I trip on Romans thirteen one.
Information flying every which direction,
I’m at truth and lie’s intersection.
I’m uncomfortable and worn out,
Introverts need a home in the crowd.
Oct 2020 · 26
Definition
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
7/16/2020

You sat down to think,
To find the perfect word,
A word that defined your worth,
But the only word that came was weak.

Physically, mentally, spiritually,
In selflessness, in love, in all.
Feeling short but looking tall,
But ease comes so difficultly.

Your life identifies as a struggle,
Disasters fill your memory.
Even light things aren’t feathery,
Things the strong lift with a chuckle.

Weak can’t be your descriptor,
There has to be a better one!
Walking from here to there – feeling done,
Waiting for your heart to feel a stir.

Could you say that you are bold,
When you run from discomfort?
Will your good be remembered,
Or will the bad prevail, becoming old?

If you don’t find a better identity soon,
You’ll fall down and never recover.
I’d only you hadn’t blown every buffer,
If only you hadn’t entered that room.

But God is your loving Father,
He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
He’s just waiting to fix your ills,
To give, and give again is no bother.

His love is the only comfort,
His grace covers your cancer,
His justice frees your anger,
His blessings are unnumbered.

He replaces your short-sighted desires,
His plans are a sure promise.
Accept him and turn from hardness,
Focus on Him, put on your blinders.

His blood flowed for you,
And his life covers yours.
His strife opened a door,
One with a joyful view.

You are a child of God, don’t forget.
Though you are truly weak,
God brings you to a new peak.
He loves you, and that’s not a threat.

God is a listening ear,
When all ears are closed,
God is the one who knows,
When others steer clear in fear.

Now, what defines you?
Oct 2020 · 28
Please Come Back
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
6/16/20

Just when I was thinking we were close,
You left me, didn’t even say adios.
You’re distant, when did love grow hard?
Was I bragging too much about what we had?

In the past, I cherished your presence,
But then I boxed and stored you up like presents.
Oh, I looked forward to your embrace,
But now I yell and shut the door in your face.

Please tell me, will you ever come back?
I’m here with a broken heart, I want you back.
It’s my fault, but why did you leave me?
Can you find it in yourself to forgive me?

I wrote you a poem, don’t know why…
I meant every word then, but now it’s a lie.
I’m willing to live the words I spoke,
And very eager to repair what I broke.

I said I couldn’t live without you,
But sadly I still gave it a try or two.
I would say my life is just the best,
If I could ignore all the pain, fear, and stress.

Could you read my thoughts from over there?
I muttered softly that I didn’t need you.
Even when it’s just the two of us,
My mind wanders along to find someone else.

I’ve been hanging out with all the boys,
Whose well-fitting names are Roar, Chaos, and Noise.
I’ve grown to like their rebel style,
Forgotten, I left you out the whole while.

I wrote your poem, did you like it?
I meant those words, but I have changed I admit.
I’m thinking about second chances,
And how I could get away from the masses.

If I could choose to make it your turn,
After what I’ve done, would you ever return?
I’ve grown tired of life without you,
I will miss Noise, but I missed you, too.

You’re always so peaceful, loving, and kind,
You never judged if I needed to unwind.
Please, accept this sad apology,
But this time I’m void of any polity.

I pledge loyalty to you once more,
I’ll shake it off and focus if I feel bored.
You give such worth to my existence,
Oh hear my sorry cry, please come back, Silence.
Oct 2020 · 26
Vomit Pt.2
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
6/1/2020

I do laundry, four-thirty in the am,
Then hit my knees, worship the I AM.
They say a wise man has many counselors,
But a wide man hasn’t been outdoors.

All these pressures, they’re hanging over my head,
It feels like my head was hanged instead.
Can’t wait ’til you’re lost to ask for direction,
Before you’re attacked, seek protection.

Are the poor exempt from being generous?
Waiting, will riches make us rigorous?
When I’m ready for Him, I say, “Lord come soon!”
But when I’m not, He could come then too!

All the white-out in the world’s inventory,
Couldn’t ever erase your story.
If you were in the room, I’d be filled with fear,
Nonetheless, right now I want you near.

When I speak, I use the low beams, not the high,
I’m trying to break it to you light.
But all that nonsense talk, that’s bologna sauce,
Quit lying, you ain’t nobody’s boss.

Is he doing this because he truly loves?
Or because it’s what a leader does?
Being scarred for life leaves one dreading the past.
Being healed for life leaves one relaxed.

I write as quickly as I can with my hand,
I still can’t write thoughts I understand.
I waited for seven years to toss the weight,
But I was still seven years too late.

What more could I want? I have ev’rything I need!
I’m so dissatisfied, I’m so bored.
I have all the world’s knowledge, and that’s a fact,
I don’t care at all, I’m ignorant.

If you desire to be calloused to the truth,
You’ll live in a palace with a skew.
If you really want to maintain your balances,
You’ll live to entertain alliances.

Only ride the fence if you’re ripping lumber,
Jump the fence if you’re feeling limber.
If you wanna get going, grab an atlas,
And do smile when you arrive at last.
Oct 2020 · 21
Drop
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
5/9/2020

Does a drop of water know where it’s going?
Really, is there any way of knowing?
Does it see what’s ahead in its course?
Can it see behind, back to its source?
Does it know there’s a rapid coming soon?
Will it ever feel lost in the monsoon?
Does it get weary on this journey?
Is it ever doubtful of its destiny?
Can a drop of water feel jealousy?
Can it desire to leave a larger legacy?

Never resting, never stopping,
Always moving, always dropping,
Sometimes washing, sometimes mopping.

Never dry, never old,
Always valued, always sold,
Sometimes warm, sometimes cold.

Does a drop of water enjoy being water?
Has it known times of peace and slaughter?
Are raindrops as sad as the mood they bring?
How many drops must fall when it’s pouring?
How many times has that drop been here?
How long has it floated down? A year?
Does a body of water have protestors?
Does each understand how much it matters?
Does a drop of water know to be happy?
All this makes me wonder the same about me.
Oct 2020 · 20
Disconnect
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
5/9/20

Where are they now?
What are they thinking about?
Are they happy? Sad?
Was their day good or bad?

I hope you don’t mind,
You’re still on my mind.
Though a thousand miles away,
I wonder about y’all, okay?

I’m out of cell service,
Way up in this wilderness.
But I still have a connection,
That grows with reflection.

Left alone with my thoughts,
But I ain’t about to go nuts.
Thinking clears the confusion,
Identify comes with seclusion.

If I can grow with you,
I can grow alone, too.
Introversion will always call,
Still… I wonder about y’all.
Oct 2020 · 163
Two Feet
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
5/8/2020

Off the ground, I’m in another world,
With only the wind to bother me.
What am I always so busy with?
I’ve forgotten what to worry about,
What a difference two feet can make!
Oct 2020 · 24
Forest
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
5/8/2020

Everything I see between the blinks,
I write about connecting the links.
But my literal pen is out of ink,
And my brain is out of words to think.

I see a cactus growing high in the rocks,
A trunk in the creek, its pathway blocks,
A squirrel, stealthy as a fox,
***** dirt, that’s not a paradox.

I see blackened bark, recent scars,
I see the ugly remnants of cigars.
Loose boulders, bigger than cars,
Leafy branches, shaped like handlebars.

I see the clouds, miles overhead,
Forest brush, a potential trailhead.
I’m getting nowhere, as I’ve said,
So I’ll try hard to listen instead.

I hear the creek, falling down the valley,
I hear voices, my blessed family.
I hear birds, their song faint but lovely,
The wind, roaring so aggressively.

I hear grass rustle in the breeze,
A twig snaps, makes the squirrel freeze,
I hear insects, leave me alone, please!
Once again I’m out, how about olfactories?

I smell pine, stronger than the rest,
Smoke, blowing from the west,
Fresh air, it smells best when I’m stressed,
Thank you, dear forest, for allowing this guest.
Oct 2020 · 22
Don't Forget About Me
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
4/30/2020

When you wake at last in the morning,
When you move on past the mourning,
Don’t forget about me.

When you get up, out of bed,
When you smile, looking ahead,
Don’t forget about me.

When you leave and don’t look back,
When you recover from the black,
Don’t forget about me.

When you’re new and have lost this feeling,
When you’re thinking instead of dreaming,
Don’t forget about me.

You’ll wake up, another day ahead of you,
You’ll get up, excited to try something new,
But don’t forget about me!

Whatever you do, remember me then!
I’m frantic that you’ll mess us up again.
I’m desperate to make things restored,
Before we’re worse off than before.

Right now I could die just to breathe,
I’d give anything to set my mind free.
Right now you’re happy, frolicking in the sun,
You’d do anything to forget what we’ve done.

Can you even see me cry? Do take a peep,
Forget it, I’ll just cry myself to sleep.
You make decisions to help yourself,
I pay the price, as you rush off.

This relationship is self-destructive!
How can I continue to live?
We need each other, so hear my plea,
Try to think of yourself when you think of me!
Oct 2020 · 25
Poem 72
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
4/30/2020

They liked you, so they were liked,
He injured you, so he was injured,
It was uncomfortable, so it was avoided,
She ignored you, so she was ignored,
It looked at you, so it caught your eye.

You thought it, so it was believed,
You hated him, so he was murdered,
You desired her, so she was had,
You wanted it, so it was robbed,
You felt too low, so you got too high.

When accused of wrongdoings, you lied,
But the evidence found openly decried,
So you’re behind bars – death row assigned.
A date with the electric chair, what a ride!
But you don’t care, might as well die.

With your stiff heart growing harder,
Your excitement gives you power.
It might hurt others, but you’re tougher.
It’s only electricity, you’ve been shocked before,
Just a little pain and it’s all over.

But when, at last, comes the day,
As you walk to the chair – that final domain,
You see another in your way,
Strapped in, ready to take the pain.
The guard offers to release your chain.

What will be your reply?
This can’t be happening, but it’s no lie!
You can go free or put up a fight.
You can take the second chance at life,
Or you can push him out and die tonight.
Oct 2020 · 22
Vomit Pt.1
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
3/25/2020

Too much. It hurts.
There’s too much to think about.
I could write a thousand words
Without even breathing, but

Would my words be make-believe plots?
Would they agree or would they argue?
Would they be my feelings or my thoughts?
Would they be authoritative and true?

The wall in front of my sight,
Four clocks I can see.
None agree, but one’s bound to be right.
How do I know which to believe?

So here’s just a scrape off the top,
Just a taste of the seasoning,
Just a crack in the rock,
Just an ear to the tone of my reasoning.

Present me with a choice,
I’d favor myself every time, why?
When I’m safe, I forget anyone else,
But I can’t live life alone, can I?

Empathizing with them who have none,
Is like letting everyone pass you in a line.
To understand the ones in square one,
Lay down in a puddle for them, a bridge out of your spine.

A picture can store a moment up like a ****.
A memory can last a lifetime unchanged,
But eyes can speak better than a tongue,
And emotion can disappear before it’s explored.

Just like paint drying on a wall when it’s sunny,
Life is a great change to a new form.
Life is better spent in warm company,
Just like a blaze is fed by a firestorm.

False hope is always an illusion.
Parting ways is a detriment.
Misinformed opinions are confusion.
Saying goodbye is too permanent.

I have so many problems, but no troubles.
A ****** war doesn’t mean I lost, get it?
Notice what’s new and what’s rubble,
And which old things are due for an edit.

I’m a fly on the wall,
Guts splat flat with a quick swat.
I’m a mighty roaring lion, ready to ****,
Tranquilized by a tiny dart.

Walking for a week to nowhere,
Is like airing up a blown-out tire.
Crawling in the dirt in open air,
Is like watering a dead flower.

Reading truth without knowing it clearer,
Is like forgetting what you look like,
After you just looked in a mirror.
There’s hardly anything that weak.

People are like houses,
Calm on the outside.
Yes, people are houses,
Busy on the inside.

They came to the New World looking for a City of Gold,
Cibola! But, “How ironic is that?” I ask.
‘Cause our Lord’s word He will uphold;
He’s preparing His streets with gold pure as glass.

What if what’s come to be expected of us,
Is no longer what’s accepted by us?
When every day has it’s own excuse,
Every day is a special occasion to misuse.

I’m not perfect, I hope you realize that.
See me like God sees you, capisce?
But I’m thick-headed like a hard-hat,
Why can’t I practice what I preach?
Oct 2020 · 627
Soul
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
3/20/2020

One against the world.
Fighting your change.
Would anyone care if you made it?
Wouldn’t they rather you fail?
Oh, they’d feel better about themselves.

One against yourself.
Fighting His change.
Would you care to let go?
Who are you even working for?
Your progress has to be between you and God.

One against your past.
Fighting your change.
Would it make a difference,
If you turned the boat around?
Could you even find your way back?

One against emotions.
Fighting their change.
Doesn’t the anger feel good,
When it wrecks your life?
Don’t you think you should hate hate?

One against a soul.
Fighting the change.
They need you, you know.
You aren’t what you’re meant to be,
It’s about time you changed course.

You’re almost ready,
So I’ll give you more time,
But I can’t promise it’ll last forever…
Oct 2020 · 156
Trust Pt.2
Rickey Spence Oct 2020
2/15/20

You’re everything that I need,
But are you all that I need?
I question if I even trust you anymore…
Oh Lord! I’ve been here before.

So I’m back where nothing’s new,
Reflecting on how much I believe You.
Last time I argued – put up resistance.
Yet You don’t punish my insolence.

I can be confused and frustrated with You,
So You have to be real and true.
You are not able to be defined,
So you must not be my own design.

God, You engineered my systems,
To pump life through me like pistons.
And I stand before You shaking my fists,
When You control whether my body exists.

But You love me! You tolerate my witlessness.
And I respond – as if taking my first steps –
With downhearted repentance. Lord, I’m sorry,
Without Your blessings, I’d be left in sorrow.
Jan 2020 · 207
Where to Start?
Rickey Spence Jan 2020
1/22/2020

A blank page. Is beautiful,
Like an empty cardboard box.
A blank page is pitiful,
Like a bike without shocks.
A blank page is powerful,
Like he who controls the clocks.

Words. Are dangerous,
Like a career in bomb diffusion.
Words are ponderous,
Like time spent in seclusion.
Words are useless,
Like having skills in indecision.

Expressions. Are misguiding,
Like incorrect road signs.
Expressions are inviting,
Like getting off the sidelines.
Expressions are exposing,
Like craters left by mines.

Fears. Will debilitate,
Like brakes locked on an icy road.
Fears will dictate,
Like poor learning of law code.
Fears will fabricate,
Like a hasty corduroy road.

How can the potential of a chart,
The potency of what we hear,
The mystery of an open heart,
Not keep one from outrunning Fear?
You just don’t know where to start.
Oh, when will everything become clear?

Pain. Is difficult,
Like a test of endurance.
Pain is heartfelt,
Like an understanding glance.
Pain is insult,
Like taunts in arrogance.

Doubt. Is dividing,
Like a denominator.
Doubt is saving,
Like a backup generator.
Doubt is disregarding,
Like a prideful visitor.

Acceptance. Is costly,
Like a gambling addiction.
Acceptance is ghostly,
Like it’s writing fiction.
Acceptance is necessary,
Like a correct prediction.

Love. Will change your ways,
Like moving across the planet.
Love will catch your gaze,
Like seeing a leaky faucet.
Love will not cease to amaze,
Like that: nothing but net.

How can feeling sufferance,
The weakness of doubt,
And the need for acceptance,
Continue to keep Love locked out?
Oh, how low will I cling to reluctance?
I just don’t know where to start.
Jan 2020 · 422
Change
Rickey Spence Jan 2020
1/2/20

Waiting for this is like watching someone,
Who’s struggling to lift heavy objects.
Knowing there’s work to be done.
But I’m defiant, as when a mob objects.

I see exactly what I dislike in me,
I guess, maybe I could toss it out.
Motivation comes so slowly,
But small steps are how you start.

So I’ll show you who I am,
But I’ll keep the darkest inside.
I’ll hold it back like the Hoover Dam.
Oh, how long can I go on looking dignified?

I’m in the middle of a drought,
In denial, I hold onto every drop.
Yet I haven’t figured it out,
That emotions aren’t meant to stop.

So I’ll give myself a chance,
I’ll give kindness a try.
I’ll surrender like France,
I’ll give into love and comply.

What is my own goodness?
But like a pile of wet leaves,
Or worshipping a false goddess,
Fruitless, like unsuccessful thieves.

Who am I? Who do I want to be?
I know who I was; I’m glad it’s in the past.
Yet these pains, I’ve gotten nowhere, you see?
Just when I thought I’d see the end at last.

When will I stop talking,
And move into danger’s range?
When will I stop writing,
And begin this wretched change?
Jan 2020 · 145
Rumination
Rickey Spence Jan 2020
12/12/19

As I sat on my porch one day,
I watched a bird in its nest.
As pushed its youngling out,
It fell from its place of safety,
And flew on out of sight.
Just a doodle I found in my Intro to Psychology notebook…
Jan 2020 · 176
Affirmation
Rickey Spence Jan 2020
11/7/19

Why do I shrug off their compliments?
I hate words of affirmation,
I don’t know how to react or what to say,
But they’re exactly what I need.

Without praise, I’d feel worthless,
But positive public attention is almost worse.
I feel puffed up or manipulated.
But is humility shooting down an applauding crowd?

“Shut up and say thank you,” they tell me.
That’s how to master humility.
So I’ll take what I can get,
And I’ll work at giving it in return.

I have so much love inside,
That I’m afraid to show.
But blasting out compliments,
Is hardly the wrong way to go.
Oct 2019 · 202
Why I'm Not
Rickey Spence Oct 2019
10/25/19

Why would I make an innovation,
If I knew it would fail?
Why would I design a life,
If I knew it would die?

Why would I train someone,
If I knew they would betray me?
Why would I Invest money,
If I knew the market would collapse?

Why would God love the world,
If He knew it would hate Him?
I can’t imagine how much love,
It took to turn His back on His Son.

I surely don’t love the world,
Shoot, I barely love myself somedays.
I guess that’s why;
Why I’m not God.
Oct 2019 · 186
Need
Rickey Spence Oct 2019
10/7/19

Why would you talk when no one’s listening?
I’d rather listen when no one’s talking.
‘Cause when you sit and listen,
You enjoy the silence.
And hear sounds,
You never knew
Were there.
Tell me,
What’s the point?
Where’s the meaning?
What do you hope to gain?
If you’re ignored all the time, then
Is that their fault, or are you the problem?
I’d be so bold as to say that you are the one in need.
So, what do you need deep down inside?
What are you doing to be happy?
Jesus cares, so why can’t I?
He’d expose your sin.
But always in love,
So you’d grow.
God, help.
Sep 2019 · 235
Poem 39
Rickey Spence Sep 2019
8/27/19

Somehow I had it figured out that
If I made it as miserable for you
As it was for me
That then I would have happiness

I stepped into the scene
Chaos in the air as
I prepared to do the deed
Metaphorically raising the axe

But then I looked into your eyes
And saw a piece of myself
How could I let that happen
To another scared soul like me?

Jealousy runs love away from me
It’s hard to want the best for others
But if I knew what I wanted
Isn’t it also what they need?

Do unto others as you
Would have them do unto you
Why does that sound so easy?
Because all I want is a friend

Truth is, I’ve learned so much
But I learned the hardest way possible
I’d rather keep it all to myself
And watch you struggle like I did

Though it makes me feel better
It can only last so long
And it always ends with everyone
Hating me as if I had swung that axe.
Sep 2019 · 39
Lament
Rickey Spence Sep 2019
8/23/19

Honestly, I really can’t believe it,
I know I can’t blame you, but,
No, I can’t ask you to stay.

Selfishness is no reason,
To ask you to reverse this conclusion.
Thoughts: with my mind they play.

Could I have done anything and changed,
How your anxiety ended up deranged?
But I know that’s a depressing thing to say.

I won’t wish you good luck,
I wish that phrase’d be struck.
Just don’t let your faith in God allay.

I pray God’s will in your life,
May He give you a love that’s bullet-proof.
Though we’ll think about you everyday.

You always smiled,
Even while your pain you beguiled.
Was there anything I did to betray?

Go, be a blessing to someone else,
This is God’s will, not just just an impulse.
We’d never ask you to disobey.
Saying goodbye always brings out the regret inside me
Sep 2019 · 327
Trust
Rickey Spence Sep 2019
8/16/19

God, you put me through a refining fire,
Where I stood, you desired to enquire.
After burning away the junk and ****,
One ***** drop was all I could brag.

Oh God, it’s easier to trust you when
You pour out blessings again and again!
But what about the times I wish to forget?
How can I trust you when I’d rather reset?

When everything is out of my hands,
When I’m caving under the demands,
That’s when I need you most, Lord.
I guess I call out only when I’m floored…

Yet even when I don’t trust like I should,
Oh God, You are still forever good!
I’ve felt your Spirit now more than ever,
Prying my thoughts apart like a lever.
Sep 2019 · 322
Life Stall
Rickey Spence Sep 2019
7/9/19

Procrastination looks good,
But only on paper.
In hindsight, I knew I could.

Suffocating in atmosphere,
My own thoughts – toxic vapor,
I can’t breathe through the fear.

But what am I fearing?
Strangers? A storekeeper?
Really? God, please start interfering.

My thoughts like a machine gun,
“No, no, no…” I’m captive by this kidnapper,
But We say “No,” to “No” – revolution begun.

Together, We make a plan to conquer,
Shake off this annoying stupor.
Into the darkness like a spelunker.

I can’t lie, it was dark,
But over time, the struggle will taper,
Because a blaze comes from a spark.
Jul 2019 · 267
Overwhelming
Rickey Spence Jul 2019
7/3/19

I look around and see,
All these things piling up.
Such a stressful relationship,
This world has made with me.

Everything’s broken,
Everything needs fixing.
Everything’s failing,
Everything needs a solution.
Everything’s old,
Everything needs renewing.
Everything’s falling,
Everything needs picking up.
This cursed world is dying!
And I can’t fix all it’s problems!

My career is built on fixing;
I find solutions, I slave for renewal,
And I reset the recoverable.
Forever, as long as someone is paying.

It never ends…

But what’s it all for?
Who really cares?
I’d bet not even the millionaires.
Lord, how do I keep going anymore?
Jul 2019 · 330
Time
Rickey Spence Jul 2019
7/5/19

If time is a racetrack,
This lap is far from over.
If time is a river,
I’m swimming against it like a maniac.

One day I’ll be out of time.
Which is sad, but by that time,
I’ll have to say, “bye,” to that time,
It’s lost; I can’t buy that time.

If time is a classroom,
I’ll always be tardy.
If time is a party,
I’m hiding in the bathroom.

I’m powerless to overhaul,
I can’t fix it – certainly!
Life goes by so slowly,
But I can’t remember me at all.

If time is my master,
My contract will always remain.
If time is a drop of rain,
I’m dry ground circled by water.

Plot twist- I’ll live forever,
Yet time affects me and my effects,
I continue, while it’s rule infects.
Oh, Lord how much longer?

If time is an elevator,
I’m opposite the top.
If time is a mop,
I’m the unfortunate floor.

Comparatively, I’m very young,
But I’ve always felt for “this generation,”
Treated like fools in corroboration.
You with experience, hold your tongue.

If time is a book,
I read the first and last page.
If time is a cage,
I’m in it, like a crook.
Turning 20... Just another number, but these numbers hit hard...
Jul 2019 · 193
The Hunt
Rickey Spence Jul 2019
6/24/19

Will you ever find the object of your search,
With your bird's-eye-view from such a low perch?
You know you can't see the whole picture,
And you're exhausted down to your last conjecture.
Is this whole ordeal just a big misadventure?
The difficulty of life is poorly portrayed by literature.
We live confused on the outside, we sit and watch,
Our fervent and frantic prayers we rapidly dispatch.
Jun 2019 · 250
Criminal/Backwards
Rickey Spence Jun 2019
6/22/19

I committed no crime,
So why then do I run?
Maybe I’ve run out of time,
And I can’t stand to be outdone.

As I run, I leave clues,
To divert anyone who stalks.
Random things like clews,
I’ve changed basic characteristics.

Maybe I’m bad at leaving ’em, unless
The detectives are bad at reading.
But they find me nonetheless,
As I try to explain this misunderstanding.

I argue my case – innocence,
They are not convinced.
I plead guilty – acquiescence,
They pick up on the nuanced.

Why is everything backwards?
No one understands me.
Headache and confusion afterwards,
With me no one seems to agree.

But then the detective joins me,
They don’t turn me in.
I can’t grasp it, should I flee?
My emotional reserve, dried like a raisin.
(for commentary, go to ricktasticpoetry.wordpress.com)
Jun 2019 · 202
You
Rickey Spence Jun 2019
You
6/15/19

You are a most fragile thing,
Yes, and you’re rarely found pure,
Refreshing like a mountain spring,
He who lacks you is honestly poor.

People fear your genuine company,
Your attendance can be lonely.
So they take you into custody,
To destroy you, thinking of self only.

The collective chaos of your absence,
Somehow they thrive on it.
What they carelessly lack is balance,
We don’t get along in the least bit.

You are a most difficult thing to disturb,
You bring such a pensive atmosphere.
Distracted by other things perturbs,
But just like that, you disappear.
Who am I?
My name is Silence. I am a gift to those who know me. I am a curse to those who deny my benefit.
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