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Oct 30 · 76
Why I'm Not
Rickey Spence Oct 30
10/25/19

Why would I make an innovation,
If I knew it would fail?
Why would I design a life,
If I knew it would die?

Why would I train someone,
If I knew they would betray me?
Why would I Invest money,
If I knew the market would collapse?

Why would God love the world,
If He knew it would hate Him?
I can’t imagine how much love,
It took to turn His back on His Son.

I surely don’t love the world,
Shoot, I barely love myself somedays.
I guess that’s why;
Why I’m not God.
Oct 30 · 63
Need
Rickey Spence Oct 30
10/7/19

Why would you talk when no one’s listening?
I’d rather listen when no one’s talking.
‘Cause when you sit and listen,
You enjoy the silence.
And hear sounds,
You never knew
Were there.
Tell me,
What’s the point?
Where’s the meaning?
What do you hope to gain?
If you’re ignored all the time, then
Is that their fault, or are you the problem?
I’d be so bold as to say that you are the one in need.
So, what do you need deep down inside?
What are you doing to be happy?
Jesus cares, so why can’t I?
He’d expose your sin.
But always in love,
So you’d grow.
God, help.
Sep 5 · 95
Poem 39
8/27/19

Somehow I had it figured out that
If I made it as miserable for you
As it was for me
That then I would have happiness

I stepped into the scene
Chaos in the air as
I prepared to do the deed
Metaphorically raising the axe

But then I looked into your eyes
And saw a piece of myself
How could I let that happen
To another scared soul like me?

Jealousy runs love away from me
It’s hard to want the best for others
But if I knew what I wanted
Isn’t it also what they need?

Do unto others as you
Would have them do unto you
Why does that sound so easy?
Because all I want is a friend

Truth is, I’ve learned so much
But I learned the hardest way possible
I’d rather keep it all to myself
And watch you struggle like I did

Though it makes me feel better
It can only last so long
And it always ends with everyone
Hating me as if I had swung that axe.
Sep 5 · 15
Lament
8/23/19

Honestly, I really can’t believe it,
I know I can’t blame you, but,
No, I can’t ask you to stay.

Selfishness is no reason,
To ask you to reverse this conclusion.
Thoughts: with my mind they play.

Could I have done anything and changed,
How your anxiety ended up deranged?
But I know that’s a depressing thing to say.

I won’t wish you good luck,
I wish that phrase’d be struck.
Just don’t let your faith in God allay.

I pray God’s will in your life,
May He give you a love that’s bullet-proof.
Though we’ll think about you everyday.

You always smiled,
Even while your pain you beguiled.
Was there anything I did to betray?

Go, be a blessing to someone else,
This is God’s will, not just just an impulse.
We’d never ask you to disobey.
Saying goodbye always brings out the regret inside me
Sep 5 · 53
Trust
8/16/19

God, you put me through a refining fire,
Where I stood, you desired to enquire.
After burning away the junk and ****,
One ***** drop was all I could brag.

Oh God, it’s easier to trust you when
You pour out blessings again and again!
But what about the times I wish to forget?
How can I trust you when I’d rather reset?

When everything is out of my hands,
When I’m caving under the demands,
That’s when I need you most, Lord.
I guess I call out only when I’m floored…

Yet even when I don’t trust like I should,
Oh God, You are still forever good!
I’ve felt your Spirit now more than ever,
Prying my thoughts apart like a lever.
Sep 5 · 92
Life Stall
7/9/19

Procrastination looks good,
But only on paper.
In hindsight, I knew I could.

Suffocating in atmosphere,
My own thoughts – toxic vapor,
I can’t breathe through the fear.

But what am I fearing?
Strangers? A storekeeper?
Really? God, please start interfering.

My thoughts like a machine gun,
“No, no, no…” I’m captive by this kidnapper,
But We say “No,” to “No” – revolution begun.

Together, We make a plan to conquer,
Shake off this annoying stupor.
Into the darkness like a spelunker.

I can’t lie, it was dark,
But over time, the struggle will taper,
Because a blaze comes from a spark.
Jul 6 · 91
Overwhelming
7/3/19

I look around and see,
All these things piling up.
Such a stressful relationship,
This world has made with me.

Everything’s broken,
Everything needs fixing.
Everything’s failing,
Everything needs a solution.
Everything’s old,
Everything needs renewing.
Everything’s falling,
Everything needs picking up.
This cursed world is dying!
And I can’t fix all it’s problems!

My career is built on fixing;
I find solutions, I slave for renewal,
And I reset the recoverable.
Forever, as long as someone is paying.

It never ends…

But what’s it all for?
Who really cares?
I’d bet not even the millionaires.
Lord, how do I keep going anymore?
Jul 6 · 206
Time
7/5/19

If time is a racetrack,
This lap is far from over.
If time is a river,
I’m swimming against it like a maniac.

One day I’ll be out of time.
Which is sad, but by that time,
I’ll have to say, “bye,” to that time,
It’s lost; I can’t buy that time.

If time is a classroom,
I’ll always be tardy.
If time is a party,
I’m hiding in the bathroom.

I’m powerless to overhaul,
I can’t fix it – certainly!
Life goes by so slowly,
But I can’t remember me at all.

If time is my master,
My contract will always remain.
If time is a drop of rain,
I’m dry ground circled by water.

Plot twist- I’ll live forever,
Yet time affects me and my effects,
I continue, while it’s rule infects.
Oh, Lord how much longer?

If time is an elevator,
I’m opposite the top.
If time is a mop,
I’m the unfortunate floor.

Comparatively, I’m very young,
But I’ve always felt for “this generation,”
Treated like fools in corroboration.
You with experience, hold your tongue.

If time is a book,
I read the first and last page.
If time is a cage,
I’m in it, like a crook.
Turning 20... Just another number, but these numbers hit hard...
Jul 4 · 118
The Hunt
6/24/19

Will you ever find the object of your search,
With your bird's-eye-view from such a low perch?
You know you can't see the whole picture,
And you're exhausted down to your last conjecture.
Is this whole ordeal just a big misadventure?
The difficulty of life is poorly portrayed by literature.
We live confused on the outside, we sit and watch,
Our fervent and frantic prayers we rapidly dispatch.
Jun 22 · 147
Criminal/Backwards
Rickey Spence Jun 22
6/22/19

I committed no crime,
So why then do I run?
Maybe I’ve run out of time,
And I can’t stand to be outdone.

As I run, I leave clues,
To divert anyone who stalks.
Random things like clews,
I’ve changed basic characteristics.

Maybe I’m bad at leaving ’em, unless
The detectives are bad at reading.
But they find me nonetheless,
As I try to explain this misunderstanding.

I argue my case – innocence,
They are not convinced.
I plead guilty – acquiescence,
They pick up on the nuanced.

Why is everything backwards?
No one understands me.
Headache and confusion afterwards,
With me no one seems to agree.

But then the detective joins me,
They don’t turn me in.
I can’t grasp it, should I flee?
My emotional reserve, dried like a raisin.
(for commentary, go to ricktasticpoetry.wordpress.com)
Jun 19 · 112
You
Rickey Spence Jun 19
You
6/15/19

You are a most fragile thing,
Yes, and you’re rarely found pure,
Refreshing like a mountain spring,
He who lacks you is honestly poor.

People fear your genuine company,
Your attendance can be lonely.
So they take you into custody,
To destroy you, thinking of self only.

The collective chaos of your absence,
Somehow they thrive on it.
What they carelessly lack is balance,
We don’t get along in the least bit.

You are a most difficult thing to disturb,
You bring such a pensive atmosphere.
Distracted by other things perturbs,
But just like that, you disappear.
Who am I?
My name is Silence. I am a gift to those who know me. I am a curse to those who deny my benefit.
Jun 18 · 224
Not Today, Lucy
Rickey Spence Jun 18
6/17/19

"Oh, hello. No, not today, Lucy,
No, sorry, not even tomorrow.
You're just too goosey,
Your faulty logic, like a tornado.

"You live to see me slip up,
But I don't know you anymore.
I know you hated that breakup,
But I couldn't stand our civil war.

"We're done. Done, Lucy,
Yes, we are done forever.
I'm not into your kind of juicy,
There's no tie left to sever.

"Goodbye, I've got a new love,
Hah! You wouldn't understand.
I'm in love with the One above,
Oh, Lucifer. Your face, we backhand!"
Jun 5 · 101
Though-Provoker
6/3/19
What gets you outta bed in the morning?
What is your motivation to live?

Buzzing alarm, groggy eyes, aching back,
Yelling mother, honking bus, ringing phone,
Bright sun, freezing air, thin mattress;
Surely there’s more than this?

Yes, surely there has to be a reason,
There must be a passion!
There must be desire!
There must be something!

Maybe you live for another life,
Maybe you pursue wisdom or knowledge,
Maybe you aspire personal glory or attention,
Your goals will drive your motivation.

Yet, maybe there is no passion,
Maybe you have no reason to go.
Or your reason is not bigger than you,
Your passion is not well-founded.

Maybe you keep going only for
Others’ expectations or demands.
There is only desire to please,
No passion for actual progress.

Don’t you want to just fly out of bed?
Don’t you wish to just love life?
You cannot hide your life away,
Because there is passion, reason, and desire!
May 20 · 110
Side by Side
Rickey Spence May 20
5/8/2019
I used to think I was doing good,
Then came, something to compare myself to.
If you only understood,
That has its ups and downs as my goto.

In one hand, I know where I can grow,
But in the other, I’m such a failure.
I inevitably will either plateau,
Or crash, or find my savior.

There are three outcomes I see,
Only one seems favorable,
The other two look so unfree,
These facts are surely averrable.

Thank God I’m among such quality people,
His will is the best place I can stand.
Not just stand – run! Even up a steep hill.
He’s put me here and I’m guided by His hand.

I will always look pretty decent,
If I compare to the right ones.
This is not new – not recent,
A tradition, on and on it runs.

Balance, a difficult achievement.
Either I’m feeling low or high.
My mind feels no bereavement,
But my emotion, I can’t quantify.

Side by side, I always scrutinize,
Am I on level with their standard?
The oil tanker of my pride, capsize.
As I drown, drag me landward.

God, If I compare to you, though,
I fail every time, incessantly.
An inimitable aspect ratio,
I fear I am done – dreadfully.

So why do you reach down,
And cover me with righteousness?
Not a lie, your reputable renown.
Ignore those whose words are libelous.

You show mercy to the worst,
When we humble our pride.
None are too far accursed,
We are righteous, you decide.
May 10 · 126
Hope
Rickey Spence May 10
4/18/2019

Let me show you the other side,
Let me show you the way to see.
There's no reason to hide.
From God, comes abundant mercy.

Let me guide your heavy thoughts,
Let me guide your weary feet.
Don't worry about your secrets,
Through God, you're made complete.

Let me brighten your downcast face,
Let me brighten your clouds daily.
Problems aren't yours to erase,
By God's work, you're made holy.

Let me walk you through the danger,
Let me walk you to a place of safety.
You're not meant to live as a stranger,
Because of God, fullness replaces empty.

Let me carry you through the debris,
Let me carry you when you are done.
The issues of others don't define your story.
Look to God, He'll take your burden.

Let me give you a right perspective,
Let me give you a way to cope.
Depressed thoughts are obstructive.
Thanks to God, you have a wider scope.

Let me lead you to truth.
Let me lead you from the lies.
At first, it seems uncouth,
With God, wisdom you will realize.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm the last thing you want,
When you have lost all of me.
I'm rarely at the front,
You must search if you want to see.

I'm what you need most,
When you've given up.
I'm an idea, a ghost,
When will you wakeup?

Look! The Lamb!
God's thrown down a rope.
Here I am:
My name is Hope!
The personification of Hope.
May 8 · 914
Voice
5/7/2019

God, stop me at once!
I've been telling you what to do,
And there's no telling what that will do.
I lack so much in experience.

I'm so demanding,
And yet so indigent,
I order things like I'm a sergeant.
But I'm the opposite of outstanding.

I want you to work for this "god of self,"
But you're more than I could ever think.
I live and die in one blink,
I can't escape - overtaken by time's engulf.

So why do I try to be,
The boss of all of you?
I master nothing of value,
I'm just riding along in this derby.

Oh God, humble my prayers.
I've always known what I wanted,
Boldly I asked of you - undaunted.
But here is one of the answers.

I ask, and ask, and ask!
But I never listen.
Now the light bulb is on like Edison.
My pride exposed - is grotesque.

You speak in a quiet voice,
Not because you're weak,
But because we must seek.
I've gotta come to you by choice.
May 1 · 523
Attention
4/28/2019

That smile you showed,
When he was left out.
Half a second, eased the load,
Brought him from his hideout.

You care for him, to the last,
Even when he's distant.
When he thought he was outcast,
You included him in an instant.

But he selfishly wants your attention,
He craves more, he can't be alone.
He'd do anything in this situation,
But his stupidity swirls like a cyclone.

He becomes like a turbulent child,
Throws a fit to get his way.
Others are easily beguiled,
But is happiness really underway?

Can the void in his heart,
Which was drained long ago,
Be filled when he becomes a bogart?
These actions damage his precarious ego.

He needs your presence;
People who truly care,
Enough to make a difference.
But he can't even tell you're there.

"Father, show him who,
You've sent them into his life,
Even though they're few,
They cut him deep like a knife.

"Let them show him his faults,
He must see for himself,
Let them open the vaults,
Show him what's on the shelf."

You see how he is corrupted.
Despite his rotten core,
Could he be accepted?
You must help him to explore.

It's not what he does,
That determines his fame.
Love sees past broken pieces,
It passes on no shame.

Overcome by greed,
Not a healthy place.
Back-stabbed and buried,
Not a way to run the race.

Overcome by pride,
Not a purposeful existence.
So much left untried,
Not gaining any distance.

He was not satisfied,
So he took a mile.
I know he was terrified,
Cuz I was he - the whole while.
To all those who take the time to show me some attention: I'm sorry for all the dumb stuff I do to try to earn it. Thank you for loving me through my shortcomings.
Apr 26 · 337
Step Back
Rickey Spence Apr 26
4/20/2019

Dear Lord, hear me out!
I feel the need to step back-
No, should I go the opposite route?

I don’t know how we got here,
Promise us retreat won’t be a setback.
Your voice is becoming hard to hear.

“Turn around, do the math…
Run… Forget your false perceptions…
You are lost on this path…”

I thought it was safe,
And maybe it is for me.
But what about the others? Forget myself.

I don’t want to escape unscathed,
At the expense of all the
Ones who followed and believed.

“Turn around, do the math.
Run. Forget your false impressions.
You can’t stay on this path.”

Is is too late for them?
Will they continue to follow,
If I abandon what I said was true?

I told myself I knew,
Now my words sound hollow.
Leadership? Old fears it renews.

“Turn around, do the math!
RUN! Forget false apprehension.
You’ve learned from this path.”

And so I left the others and the road,
It was difficult and humbling-
My failure, explicitly showed.

Now I’m ready to follow You.
And I’ll do so without grumbling.
Thank God, for He came to my rescue!

“Turn around, do the math!
Run my race! Forget dejection!
My plan was accomplished on this path.”
Apr 26 · 70
Moon
Rickey Spence Apr 26
4/19/2019

Hello moon,
I see you from Plaster.
Like a little balloon,
Illuminating like a master.

You are a fake,
But still amazing.
The sun’s glory you take
For your own until its raising.

I view through the trees,
I can’t appreciate your detail.
You’re seen from all countries,
Yet not to the same scale.

You are so cold.
Golden like the sun,
But its fire, you don’t uphold.
But who am I? I’m just a person.

God made you for a purpose,
A celestial example you serve.
If the sun is Jesus,
To be the moon we have the nerve.

As the moon reflects the sun,
So I am a reflection of the Son.
A useful and true lesson,
A deep and meaningful comparison.

Moon, I like you.
A perfect circle in the sky,
You never miss your cue,
Never stop and ask, “why?”

I wish I were you, moon,
I wish I could follow unwaveringly.
I desire to be perfect – and soon,
The Lord will take me finally.

Thank you for this moment,
To sit back and observe.
I’m still in development,
Your wisdom, I will preserve.
Apr 26 · 104
Counter-Cultural
Rickey Spence Apr 26
4/19/2019

I’m too skinny to be mean,
So why do I walk with swag?
That’s not maturity, I’m so green.
They say, “Work out, you’re such a scrag.”

I should try to smile more,
A scowl doesn’t draw people.
But the outside reflects from the core,
So change is not that simple.

Jesus change my heart,
Fill me – no, overflow me!
I need all of you to start,
To erase this mood of gloomy.

I’d rather be a nice guy,
I wouldn’t have to worry.
My old image – it’s time to die.
My turn to forget my history.

I’m still worried about my image,
I thought I climbed over that!
This culture values the savage.
In Your face, they’ve spat.

I’d rather be a decent fellow,
Someone readily trusted.
I’m quiet, I don’t bellow,
This way I was made, but I’ve resisted.

I was raised to be a gentleman,
What does that mean?
Call me a madman,
Act like Christ, when not even seen.

I’m done with looking tough,
I want nothing to do with grim.
I’ll act in a way devoid of mischief,
Even if I look like a weak victim.

But going back to culture;
I don’t want to slip into the throng,
I won’t blend in and become a vulture,
Feeding off the weak, don’t make you strong.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick,”
An interesting concept.
People these days are all talk,
That they are wrong, they’d never accept.

Even when I’m hated,
By Christ, I will show humility.
It’s not that complicated,
An extension of His credibility.
Apr 25 · 577
Dilemma
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/18/2019

When I feel like hanging out,
Everyone is out and about.
But when I need to get away,
They all seem to want to stay.

God bless my introversion,
Because the other way is confusion.
I dislike the way I am,
Don’t compare me to a clam!

You’ve got me wrong,
Though at times I look strong;
Inside, I’m contorted into a wince,
Praying constantly for more competence.

At the end of a long day of stress,
I sit and mull it over – attempt progress.
I wonder why I am so put-down,
Feels like I’m on the edge of breakdown.

Then I think of the days previous,
Everything becomes obvious.
I need breaks from people,
That’s always been the principle.

In the moment, it’s easy to slip up,
And think I can do this ’til sunup.
But I am weak when it all comes,
I quickly forget my problems.

I have unlimited limitations,
It’s hard to turn down invitations.
People can’t expect much from me,
But I can’t just blame my anatomy.

It seems a daily and vicious cycle
Splurge and crash, it’s becoming critical.
Balance doesn’t seem practical,
Why am I so hypocritical?
Apr 25 · 89
Expectations
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/16/2019

Closed off to the world,
That’s where I’m secure.
Terrified; so up I’ve curled,
Perhaps, this way I will endure.

I fear the unknown,
How can I face it?
I try to argue on my own,
But will the judge acquit?

I am comfortable,
Is that so wrong?
You call me a vegetable,
I resemble that, so I belong.

Can I bridge the gap between?
Is it getting nearer or farther?
I’ll just sit – observe the scene,
Change? What’s the bother?

In the past, this or that,
Not what I thought it’d be.
I can’t stand their chit-chat,
Talking always turns out crumby.

Who predicts the future?
None but God alone.
So I sit here in a stupor,
Apathy – now full-blown.

If I can’t know what to expect,
I might as well not do anything.
Of this – guilty – a viable suspect.
My uselessness: like a napkin ring.

If I venture into newness,
Evil surely awaits.
Positive outcomes in fewness,
I only see dire straits.

Let the world leave me in the dust,
You’ll see if I care!
It’s always been so prejudiced.
As long as I’m happy, that’s fair.

I’ll stay here and be constant,
I’ll let others make mistakes.
Fail? I’m too important.
I mean, for goodness sakes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can’t just end this here,
That was me in the past.
My pride – nothing dared interfere.
But God did, the obstacle passed.

I’ve learned more about losing,
I’ve lost more than I’m winning.
My victories, all by God’s choosing,
My choices are all towards learning.

You could me on quote, this:
“I had pride in my humility,”
A contradiction I always miss.
I focus now on vulnerability.

Because when I choose,
To choose spontaneity,
A boring life it eschews.
Abundant life, takes responsibility.
Apr 25 · 128
Anger Management
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/15/2019

I need a way to let my anger out.
But there’s not even a thing,
That I can think to be angry about.

I need to slow down my breathing,
I need a way to calm myself down.
Tonight my mood is the definition of seething.

My face in a perpetual frown,
I fear what I may appear to be.
Resolution can’t wait until sundown.

I can’t believe the benefit of this hobby,
There’s a beauty in the uses of poetry.
Truly a calmer person, not just a wanna-be.

Time to end this miserable soliloquy,
I think I’ll go for a walk.
Life is better spent, not being solitary.
Apr 25 · 109
Your Own Problems
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/10/2019

To the one overcome by other people’s struggles…

Are you some sort of therapist,
That so many lean on you?
They line up as if for an interview.
All this weight on your shoulders – unnoticed?

You don’t mind helping others.
But how are you supposed to grow on your own,
If all you ever do is groan on your own?
You’re still alive, but this weight – it smothers.

They say you gotta find a lightning rod,
To relate all your problems to.
Hey, that’s what you thought once, too.
But your immunity to pain – a facade.

The burdens of other become your own.
Issue after issue you assimilate,
And their privacy, never violate.
You know what you’re doing – it’s by design.

Your back has become numb to the weight,
You are growing stronger…
Now people will love you longer.
You exist to take on their pain – but wait.

This sounds all too familiar.
You’ve heard this story before.
This connection, you can’t ignore.
The man who’s already done this – no failure.

Jesus, the man who took on sin,
So much sin that He died.
He paid the penalty, but never cried.
But through death did he – win.

Could you compare yourself to Jesus?
Could you bear as much weight as he?
No, you don’t even have to ask an actuary.
He’s the only one who – frees us!

So what are you doing with all this,
It’s not your burden to bear,
To you it has become your snare.
But all this on your shoulders – dismiss?

It’s not that easy to drop.
It’s been there so long,
It’s part of you now, making you “strong.”
Someone else needs to make change – swap.

But if Jesus really took the world’s sin,
Then you can’t stand in His way.
You’ve gotta let Him win, give in to His sway.
But He also died for you – took your toxin.

“Jesus, please forgive me!
I’ve been playing God.
And all that reaped was fraud.
I am but a nobody…

“A nobody whom you choose to love.
Show your love once more!
I’m begging for that encore!”
Freedom – all you’re dreaming of.

All He asks you for is for you to ask,
And out pours His forgiveness.
He doesn’t respond with vindictiveness.
And He’s already done – an easy task.

Just like that, weight falls off,
It feels so wrong, the price still paid,
Jesus took your entire burden, an unfair trade.
With His life – down the drop-off.

Hell was reserved for your ilks,
You had your name reserved on a seat,
Jesus paid that ticket, gave no receipt.
Let go of regret – which only bilks.

From now on, you’re no therapist,
Now, fewer should lean solely on you,
No more line-ups for that interview,
The weight on your shoulders – also noticed!

You can share your own problems,
Tell others how you’re doing.
Your attitude, start renewing.
It takes time for healing – but it comes!

Don’t slip into self-sufficiency,
On God, you must be reliant,
He’s the therapist, you’re the client.
The trait of dependence – no longer a deficiency.

With your life, lead others to Him,
He is the One who’s strong,
In Him, we all belong,
Jesus – Love is a synonym.
Apr 25 · 90
Hypoverbality
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/7/2019

When to my face you confront,
Slow I am to speak.
My thoughts are not apparent,
My ideas you cannot seek.

But when through technology,
My stupidity sometime shows.
Repulsive terminology,
Erupts, I suppose.

Today I am puking nonsense,
Why don’t I shut my mouth?
All previous confidence,
Has decided to head south.

Where has my solid filter gone?
I’m not usually this way.
I feel no one could be drawn,
How long will this stay?

None of my poems have humor,
Why must I write with purpose?
This is such a ******,
Will I ever lose my serious?
Apr 25 · 303
Implosion
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/5/2019

In the middle of my transgression,
That trap I’ve fallen in before,
I cry out with desperation,
And I find an open door.
Could it have been there the whole time?

When there seems to be no progression,
It seems I can’t bear it any longer.
Where is the inert deliberation?
Somehow I must ignore the anger,
But how can I find good in the grime?

All I can see: my inward aggression!
That fuse always burning shorter,
Only accomplishing obliteration.
As I make myself a martyr,
I am sacrificed for an unknown crime.

Though my face gains new expression,
New is just another word for darker.
Inward digs the outward oppression,
It must die, but never can I conquer.
Death bells don’t seem to chime.

My focus is always my impression,
I exist to make me look better.
If it were up to my discretion,
All would fall into disorder.
Does it ever end, this eternal climb?

My story now in compression,
I couldn’t resist anymore.
My biggest fears now in suppression,
The door is the way out. Therefore,
Step though, I must. It’s showtime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the end of all my repression!
All of me spilled on the floor!
There is no regression!
All of me, anyone can explore!
This exposed feeling is not sublime!

That open door, a misimpression?
Expectation missed, take it away, I implore!
My perspective, it doesn’t freshen,
My new life, why for it do I deplore?
Still I desire to go backwards everytime.

Is Your will bent for my depression?
Is Your love just folklore?
No! Doubt is sadly my profession,
Thank You for all that You restore,
You forgive my idiotic paradigm.

Maybe this was all to get my attention.
Though my soul feels sore,
I know I’m in a better position.
You’ve won, forget the score,
Although over time I worked overtime.

Results result from action,
What’s this all for?
Near extinction, is my confession,
But I’m no longer like that dinosaur.
I’m running out of words to rhyme.

In the end, I made the right decision,
It’s all so much more,
I’m thankful for my Implosion,
There’s less of me than before,
With you in side as my enzyme.
Apr 25 · 232
The End of "Me"
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/4/2019

When I question,
Where do I go?
Who can give a suggestion,
What is there to show?
I am overtaken by exhaustion,
My head bowed low.
Greed no longer my intention,
I am ready to know.

I am fed up with always taking,
It is time for me to give.
I’m done with all this faking,
I must truly forgive.
Help me start the rebuilding,
It’s time I truly live.
It’s not just me who’s crying,
Others are more secretive.

I cannot take others’ problems,
I could never care enough.
It’s easier for he who condemns,
To empathize is truly tough.
Uncomfortable the situation becomes,
When stories are devoid of fluff.
Flirting with the doldrums,
Is not my favorite stuff.

God, if I am to have aid,
Then let it be only you.
I know you have already paid,
Even if sin appears to continue.
I need you to pursuade,
Only you can change a view.
You’ve already made the trade,
Now there’s nothing for me to skew.

I’ve made the decision,
To step down from my pride.
Now guide my vision,
Show me who is outside.
I am only an illusion,
You are all that is inside.
Without you, all is confusion,
All is clear, with you beside.

God, how can you see beauty,
In the vilest thing and enemy?
I fear for my own security,
But it’s not only about me.
To accociate would make me *****,
I can’t stand all their blasphemy.
Oh, my rotten mentality,
Erase my faulty dichotomy.

If I am to reach the world,
With your gospel message,
Let your plan be unfurled,
Show me partners on this voyage.
It’s not just me who’s called,
And the others are not in shortage.
I am no longer troubled,
God is our advantage!

His army is not just of one,
He is Lord of thousands,
If you stand still and listen,
Your heart heavily pounds.
His power matched by none,
His enemies He dumbfounds.
The victory He already won,
All by His commands.
Apr 25 · 91
What do I Hold?
Rickey Spence Apr 25
4/2/2019

To no one do I owe.
With no one do I unite.
If I begin to feel unfit,
To my image I hold.

Somehow I feel it must go.
But I'm gripping so tight,
My fists closed shut.
What do I hold?

I need to know,
Is this alright?
Please tell me what,
But what do I hold?

I fear that tomorrow
Won't be better than tonight,
Is it even possible to let,
Let go of what I hold?

It's not helping my sorrow,
It's not helping my sight.
I feel so inadequate,
Is it useless, what I hold?

It could be so,
That with which all my might-
Not another minute!
Tell me, is it nothing that I hold?

Don't tell me to throw,
All in which I delight.
It's my life, my habit,
All that I hold!

Please, I can't say no,
And return to the light!
It's wrenching my gut,
Still, I must hold!

If this is all to blow,
Away into the night,
Must I forget,
All that I now hold?

God, if you say so,
You know my petty plight,
You see that I am delicate,
Take what I hold!

God, I fear what will follow,
But you overtake my fright,
Please don't quit,
Go! You say to what I hold.

God, you are not slow,
You destroy all that is not right.
God, I can't bear it,
Now, what do I hold?!?

God, I need to grow,
Don't leave me falling in midflight!
I am still so desperate,
Without anything to hold.

Yes, my own ladder was worth zero,
And it's reach to heaven finite.
But now that it's been cut,
There's nothing else to hold.

God, make me your shadow,
I will be your satellite.
The entire time, I must admit,
It was you I needed to hold.

I am no longer hollow,
My future is bright.
With you as my magnet,
And when to you I hold.

And when you I borrow,
You take the spotlight.
I struggle, but humbly take the exit,
Oh, what now do I hold!

— The End —