Qui suis-je, à part une poussière sur ta vie?
Je ne suis rien qu'un grain de sable
Sur l'étendue de ton océan je
N'ais rien de plus que le regret de mon insignifiance je
Suis invisible pour les yeux et ton cœur
Ne peux pas voir ce que tu refuses de lui montrer
Aussi noir que des poumons noircis par la haine tu
M'ignores chaque jour un peu plus
Chaque jour un peu mieux je
M'efface de ton champs de vision
Car je n'y ai jamais eu ma place
Des années à te servir d'ombre
Je te suivais avec perfection mais tu ne voyais que
Mes fautes
Je n'ai pas le courage de continuer à vivre dans ton univers
Je me rétracte vers la lumière éblouissante de la vie que j'ai manquée
Jusqu'alors persuadée de ta perfection je réalise
Que tu ne faisais que cacher ma vue avec tes mains
Soufflant au creux de mon oreille ce que je désirais entendre
Afin de noyer mes doutes dans ma confiance tu
N'es qu'une poussière sur ma vie et je te chasse
D'un abile coup de poignet tu disparais
Je me tourne vers l'océan et
Mon souffle…
Se
Coupe.

The universe whispers crazy secrets onto my skin
My eyes drink it all
And I raise my head towards the galaxies
For once,
Watching over me.

Ghost
I'd never known what it meant to be one
Until I saw
You
Wearing your dead boyfriend's shirt.
I thought nothing of you then
But love has a funny way of bringing people together
And that is how, two months later
I thought to myself, "I will marry her someday"
Fast foward two months later
I forgot everything I thought of you then, maybe the most important, the Ghost part.
and your skin
So pale,
and your attitude
Hot and cold,
and I think
Who am I in love with?
How do you have so many personnalities?
Do I love the pre-dead boyfriend version you get to be on Good Days?
Do I love the broken up version that sleeps in his unwashed sheets?
And then.
I see you lying on his grave, murmuring things like you did to me
And I
B
R
E
A
K
You were never in love with me?
You were always in love with him?
I was never my own person?
I stood in place of the person you wanted alive
Buried 6 feet under.
And I remembered.
You are a ghost.
You died with him.
You died four months ago.
Funny how a ghost can look so human.
How can a ghost Break a Human Heart so Thoroughly?

I am slowly erasing memories of you
Burying the most important parts of us
Under layers of memories with
Other people
I make them do
The same things
And I try to
Forget
Anything that you ever did
The date
The time
The location
Your smile
Your words
Everything
I let them get buried
Under layers
And layers
Of false pretense

Laying on the beach, we are a cluster of friends, learning about each other, taking in sunlight.
He takes out his book and she suggests he reads to us.
He does.
Each chapter, a new person starts to read.
I like looking at him.
I like when he looks at me.
Our eyes catch.
Let go… come back together.
We play the cat and mouse game.
I want to be caught.
I want him to catch me when I fall.
In the end, we build a sandcastle.
When the storm comes, it is destroyed.
But I do not stay until it breaks.
I think we are undestructible.
I do not know the future.
Not yet.

Mon coeur est en feu
Je suis à vif
L'élan me prends
Me dépose ailleurs
Je ne suis qu'un arbre sans écorce
La sève s'écoule de mes veines
Et je te regarde t'en aller

Sometimes I
Wake up terrified
Crying
Jumping
You
Creep up in my nightmares
Slither in a little bit further each time
Sneak in from behind and
Touch
My back with your finger
Get it away from me
Graze
The back of my neck
I break out in a sweat
Pet
The top of my head
The air escapes from my lungs and I suffocate
Rub
The length of my arm
I cannot breathe I am frozen
Kiss
All the way down my spine
My vision blurs, I wish I could collapse
Lick
The lobe of my ear
I heave and gag and I cannot-
Caress
With his words my tortured soul
Please
Please
Let me go
But
You crawl into
The only place you know I cannot shut you out
Push you away
You trap me
Make me remember I have no right to seek happiness when you took it away from me
But I am a fighter
You may visit and torment me every night but
I have a grip on reality
And with someone's hand to hold I anchor myself in a world where
You
No longer exist and
I
Allow myself to laugh and smile

Now people call me sunshine.

It is shaking, her heart
Struggling to keep up
Pumping life so hard
Her veins lit up with fire
Her mouth is a traitorous mistress
She seals her lips shut in fear she'll let the world know
About the green monster holding her heart
In a chokehold
She tries to keep hidden
The secret that threatens to spill out
Jealousy is Satan’s minister, and evil is his work of art.
She is the canvas on which he paints Red.

She never looks up
But I have imagined her smile to be
A thousand shades of
Happiness.

Her expression is calm
But her eyes are fierce
They light up with joy when I
Find her hiding behind
A thousand faces.

In a month I will leave
In a month the distance will go
From a mile to 400
And I am not sure yet
How our goodbyes will go
How I will manage
How I won't break
How I won't try to tell you
Over and over again
Do not let me go gently into the good night
Do not
Let me
Go
And
I am not sure yet
If you decide to let me go
Can I be strong enough to leave it be?
In a month I will leave
And I am not sure yet
How my eyes will hold the ocean I held back for two years
How my arms won't try to sneak behind your back for one last hug
Before you let me go gently
Into the good night

In the backseat of his car
I fell asleep on your shoulder
You didn't push me away
Like you do now it's over

I didn't want him to love somebody esle
I wanted him to love me
I really wanted him to love me
Not that it matters now,
Anyway

I have a universe inside my chest
Made of places and heavy stones
Memories
I am a black hole and when I stare at you
I know we are the same
I would recognize another black hole
From miles away.

You don't get to call me out on my actions
You don't know me at all
You don't know I lost my soul to the devil spying on me
Watching from the ceiling my life pass by
In the bed where I lay
Still
Silent
A statue as strong as the universe
As heavy as the weight of the world
When the sun comes up and down
Bashing me in sunlight only to dim the light
Until nothing is left but darkness
And in those moments of quiet restlessness
I stay silent and let my mind drift to places
Where hidden monsters peek from underneath my healthy mind
Filling my head with thoughts as dark as the night
And I see it
The light at the end of the tunnel
The escape I can't run to
Without sharing my last breath with the empty space next to me
Where you were supposed to appear
To take all my worries away
And lift me in the sky
With the force of your bare heart
Lifting my spirit up in space  where I look up to see you
But you are nowhere to be found
And I am nowhere to be
And the stars won't answer me
They blink and watch upon my story
With a frown upon their faces
Wondering when I will be strong enough
To join them.
And that is why you don't know a thing about me
You don't know my ribcage is empty
You don't know my world is my poetry
You don't know and it doesn't matter
You are nothing to me as I am a shell without a heart
Disappeared years ago in the night
Where I would hold your hand and pray for you
A rescue, a bandaid to my pain
But I bled and ruined you
And now you're gone.

I had not imagined it
That pull
That traction between us
And I am glad I got to experience it
One last time.

I now know
When the next one comes along
Just how much pull I can take
Before I break.

I haven't gotten used to the silence yet
It fills me to the brink
And I cannot shut it out
Store it away
For days when I am willing to just

*listen

She loved you but you loved someone else
She cared for you but you cared for someone else
She only wanted to matter to you
She was not desperate for your attention
Just for a little smile
A little care
She didn't know life like you did
She was stuck in the middle of a war
At home she would put her arms around herself
A bundle of pain
A burden of desperation
To disappear she would go to sleep
Only to wake up to cries and shouts
Of madness
And anger
She would wake up to fists and blood
Raining on her like the apocalypse
She would try to disappear
With blades and tears
Dig up her grave to reappear on the other side
Untouched
I think a part of her will always be waiting for you
For you to save her from the monsters
Save her from the nightmares
Because she…
… she loved you so much but you…
…you loved someone else.

I am petrified.
Locked in a closet.
A silent statue.
Immobile.
When I was little, I hated silence. I cannot recall why. But my mom told me she would sing me a lullaby until I fell asleep, put me in my crib and skitter out of the room without a sound. She would tiptoe to her room, slide under the blanket. On cue, I would cry.
I think, perhaps, silence was synonym of absence.
I was terrified she would forget about me.
I wish he would forget about me.
Walk away and never come back.
But I am trapped in a closet.
The key is in his hand.
I was hiding, but I was not the one who locked the door.
I was hiding while he was playing hide and seek.
The house it too small to hide for long.
He always finds me.
I am paralysed.
Locked in a closet.
A silent statue.
Shaking.
When I was little, I would not sleep unless my dad checked under the bed for any monsters. He would chase the nightmares away with a kiss and welcome my dreams with a smile. My dad was my dream keeper, and fulfilled his duties with rightfulness. When he was home.
My dad also was a synonym of absence.
I was frightened he would forget about me.
He would never forget about me.
He has a special power.
His eyes reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His voice reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His fists reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His smile reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His confident steps when he approaches reminds me he does not forget.
That I never move.
Away.
He can paralyse me with a simple look.
And then.
He.
Tosses me to the ground like a broken twig.
He is silence.
And I hate him.
He used to hide in the silence of my room, under my crib.
He used to laugh in the pauses of my breath.
His fingers would creep up the crib and peek through.
Grab and pinch and push and pull at my tender skin, my tender heart.
He is the monster my dad used to warn me about.
*He is silence and I want to scream
But
When I try to take a breath he suffocates me

I went through all the steps

I selected the songs
Carefully (you can never be too careful with song lyrics)
I added them to a brand new playlist
Called it, Pour Toi
Thoughtfully (French has always been between you and I)
I found a memory stick and
The playlist was there, in my pocket, for a week
When we went to the beach
When I came for the birthday
When we had our last lunch
The playlist was there, in my pocket, for a week

I went through all the steps
Save for the
Last
One.
I wanted to be selfish.
I wanted to give it to you.
Instead I was selfless.
I wanted you happy more than I wanted you with me.

*I wonder when those songs will stop playing you in my mind

I can't tell if you're busy
With the new life that you're living
Or if you never cared for me at all
I can't tell if you'll change your mind
Walk back and pick up my hand
Or if you forgot I was right behind you
I can't tell if you ignore me
To get a rise out of me
Or if I never mattered to you anyway

It’s not his fault
It’s not mine
Truth be told
I am sorry we
Didn’t make it till the end

You didn't let me
Win the war
Fought too hard
To win a battle
Already lost

Crawled back into my heart
When I realized your safe haven
Was no longer a paradise
But an evil place
Where all the demons
Hang around your

Every

Word.

I want to fight against what can't be fought against
I want to wake up and fight for you even though you don't want to be saved
I want to believe somewhere within you this amazing man I met is hiding
And I want to play hide and seek until I find you
I want you to want me to find you
I want to believe you are good
Even when you are pushing me away
I want to believe that underneath your cold shoulder
Hides a warm blanket just for me
I want to believe that this ******* act is temporary
I want to believe you may love me
Even when you tell me you don't
I want to believe there is hope for you and me

Water used to be my favourite element
I would submerge and
The thoughts, the worry, the questions…
Washed away by the tide but
Since you left your print on me
I dread every drop
A tear, the rain, a shower, the ocean
I fear it will wash away
The sound of your laugh
The light in your eyes
The color of your smile
The beauty of your thoughts
The detail of your dreams
The softness of your head against mine
The kisses you laid on me
The caress on my shoulder
And every other
Little mark
You left on me
Unconsciously
I never want them to stray from me but
I fear I have no other choice
But to let time heal the wounds
You inflicted on me
Unconsciously
Each drop will erase
Why I fell, why I laughed, why I loved
And why I thought you were irreplaceable
To me
But maybe
You will leave my mind empty
Unconsciously

I used to like him until I met you
I realized all I ever felt before was pink
You were Red
Taught me how to rip out my own hair in anger
When you wouldn't take the bins out
(or listen to me)
Taught me to bite my lip till I bled
And in the taste of iron all the things I wanted to say
Melted away
All the
I love you
I hate you
Go away
Please stay
I wanted you to decide
Put my faith in your hands
Love me or leave me
Pick
One
I cannot swing between both ends of the spectrum
The rope I am hanging onto
Is tightening against my throat
I will stain your carpet floor
With 5 wasted liters of life
I give it all to you
If you can ever realize
That should have been enough

She wanted to cry into someone's arms.
She felt like screaming.
But no one would hold her.
No one would hear her.
No one would scare her demons away.
Because no one cared.
At first she'd thought it was their fault.
All of them.
But maybe she had to stop blaming others for mistakes she had made.
She was the one pushing people away.
Maybe it was a test.
To see if people would follow her, be faithful, loyal to her.
It was a selfish act, but maybe she didn't care.
Too many people had been ripped out from her, and she never wanted to feel this way again.
Torn apart, broken, lonely.
She wanted to be sure her friends couldn't be ripped out, or wouldn't run away from her.
But it failed.
Every. Single time.
And alone she felt.
And alone she was.
All alone.
People were all selfish, weren't they?
So it made sense that they'd let her go.
They were selfish, too.
But now she had had enough.
She could not take anymore.
She was tired.
Tired of being alone.
Tired of being left out.
Tired of pushing people away.
Tired of being angry.
She needed real love.
She used to be called sunshine.
But she felt like a shadow.
She had walked in the light and now she experienced darkness.
It was dreadful.
She wanted to run and catch up with the ghost of sun she once was.
But she was tired.
She didn't feel her body anymore.
She was just an idea.
An idea of love, an idea of what her life should have been like.
An idea, a heavy weight.
She dragged herself around, knowing she needed someone to figure out what kind of distress she was in.
Knowing she needed someone strong enough to lift the weight off of her.
She waited.
And waited.
And it dawned on her.
Humans needed each other.

The moment you let go is painful
It's whispering to the wind
"Take those memories with you
Travel far and let them fly away".
The beauty in all this pain is that,
After some time,
You smile.

"Someone punctured your skin five years ago, and you are still bleeding."

"I tried to cover the wound with words, with tears, with time, with my own two hands… nothing was ever enough."