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414 · Jul 2016
Hunting
Her heart in ruins
The pain invisible
The enemy stares
From across the room
Eyes like fire
She watches her reflexion
Turn into oblivion
412 · Sep 2014
Breaking things
Breaking things
It's too easy to break things
We all do.
We break glass
Wood
Bones
Hearts.
We all break and we all die
And you can't do anything
We break it all
And try
To sew it back up
Sometimes it works
Sometimes not.
But we are young
Too young to be broken
Too old to be perfect
We make mistakes
We all do.
We lie, we steal, we break.
412 · Sep 2015
From another planet
I often wonder
Is someone out there?
Is someone feeling the way I feel?
Hello.
You don't have to speak.
You don't have to say anything.
You have to breathe.
I have to breathe.
We can breathe together and perhaps...
A smile will come.
411 · Sep 2014
Crunchy Nut
I don't fall in love that easily, but when I do, God always makes sure it ends badly.
Why do I keep hoping it will work, I have no idea.
Why do I keep trying when I know what will happen, I can't say.
I guess I must like the burn.
The burning flesh when his rejection rubs me raw, the fire in my throat when I want to speak the words but he's kissing someone else, the hands crushing my porcelain heart in tiny pieces.
Because why else would I keep on falling off mountains by myself when he promised he'd be there to catch me if I tripped?
And I have climbed this mountain so many times you'd think by now I would get there fine, but there is always a rock, always a slippery ***** I never see coming, and I always find myself alone and bruised at the bottom.
The climb, though, the wind and the thrill and the fresh air and the kisses in the morning and the eternal smiles on our faces and the Crunchy Nut I bought you for breakfast at my place are still sealed shut in a box, along with all the promises you made.
I have lived this story so many times I can almost predict what words will come out of your mouth next, and my open heart might never have a chance to be sealed shut like that pack of cereal full of promises you never opened, because you never took the time to pass by.
I want you so bad
406 · Sep 2014
Instead of running away
You came to me as a stranger
Settled in my heart as a friend
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

The contact was close enough for me
Not close enough for you but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You let your heart bleed out with love
I didn't know how to cure you but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

I wanted a love as passionate as yours was for me
But couldn't find it in you no matter how hard I tried yet
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You wouldn't talk to me because it hurt too much
I had no idea how to reverse the evil spell of love but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

I was desperate to see you again
Hear your voice
See your face
Listen to our hearts beating
Looking out at the stars
Longing to be a part of them
Wondering why your heart had chosen me
Wondering why mine hadn't chosen you

There are a lot of things I have done wrong
But doing you wrong was what hurt me the most
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

So I wrote you a letter, explaining why love wasn't in me
Explaining why I could not love you
Why I was broken,
Why I may forever be in pieces
And why no matter how hard you tried to put me back together
You may never succeed to be something else but a friend
Because I did not know how to love myself enough
To let someone else love me

I do not have an excuse for what I have done
And I will never be able to change things
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You drove to my house, knocked on my door
And I knew what you had come here to say
I had seen the glimmer in your eyes
Of hope and courage, the kind a man has to have
To come and pour his heart out to the girl he loves
But I never let you say it.
I hurt you deeper than a bullet wound,
Because I never let the words pour out of your mouth
No the way words are pouring out of me now
Ashamed and guilty for writing down what I had to say
But being too much of a coward to say it out loud
And you had this courage, and I refused to acknowledge it,
Instead leaving you on the porch,
Running away from all the love you had to give me

Please know that I long for it
Please know that I regret it every day
Please know that after months, I still think about you
Please know that I'm sorry for letting you down
Please know that you are my best friend
Please know that I still love you more than I thought I could love someone
Please know that this love is deeper than friendship and deeper than love
Please know that I never knew this kind of feeling existed
Please know that I hurt everyday
Please know that I probably wouldn't be able to change my reaction
Please know that you surprised me
Please know that you scared me
Please know that I'm not used to love
Please know that I love you
Please know that I am not in love with you
Please know that I never wanted to hurt you
Please know all the things I've been meaning to tell you
Please know that I wish you knew I wrote this poem

Please know that I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away
401 · Sep 2014
Forest fire
You're a forest fire and I'm nature
Started as a spark in the deep of the night
And light up my entire universe
The fire did not hurt at first
Too busy to admire your light
I didn't feel the burn
But the burn,
Oh, the burn,
Is so painful, so hard to escape
You're lighting me on fire
And turning me to black and ashes
When all I wanted was a little warmth
A little light
But you're turning me to black and ashes
400 · Oct 2014
Breaking an entering
I did not need to look at you to know I
Was in trouble I
Could smell trouble from miles away I
Knew you were going to turn everything
On its head
My lucky penny
Heads, you're mine
Tails, you break me
You did not need an invitation to pass
The threshold
My house didn't have a lock to keep you
From breaking and entering
And boy, did you break.
Sat on a chair, made yourself comfortable
Waited for me to drop my guard and let you in
Completely in.
You ruined me.
400 · Oct 2014
Christmas present
The wind is cold and the spirits are high
In my tiny heart lies a little spark
Dark thorns surround heavy trunks
The colourful bulbs flash on and off
And light up the crazy smile I wear
When you're around

You are like a christmas present
I want to open you up wide
And see what you hide
Unravel the wrapping paper
Crush it in my fists, it doesn't matter
I want to know who you are

Inside
399 · Sep 2015
Block out
I have taught myself how to block Lonely out
But sometimes it crawls in anyway and destroys me from within.
399 · Oct 2014
You
You
You are the wind and the sea
You are the sun and the stars
You are everything
When I look around all I see is
Everything reminds me of you I am
Lost in translation
No words can describe
You
Are not a three letter word
Or a sound is someone's mouth
You
Are not a simple pronoun used to be refered to
You
Are the galaxy in my universe
The ray of sunshine on a rainy day
You
Are not an exact definition of the word
You
Are so much more than
You
Do not know what it is like to be
Me
A simple two letter word which is never
A sound in someone's mouth I
Am not recognizable or worthy of attention
I
Am slowly dissappearing into oblivion
I
Am a one letter word never used in any way
I
Am neither one or the other
I
Used to believe I would be a part of
Them
But I do not exist in their eyes
I
Am only a one letter word and
They
Are so much more than I could ever hope to be
You
Can grow one letter bigger but
I
Am to far away from
You
So I cease my useless efforts because
I
Am only a one letter word
Which is never relevant as it is never used
My mouth never opens to make me appear
Behind the mask of silence I hide my name
I
Am not a one letter word but
I feel like an unsignificant piece of life
I
Do not want to disappear but
Who am I?
A one letter word in a silent mouth attached to an invisible soul.
398 · Nov 2016
Winged
My heart disappears in the breeze, too light to stand still in my ribcage. I let it soar.
The rain peeks at us and retracts.
398 · Sep 2014
Young gen
We are the young generation
The change of the world
The better part of Humans
The ones with new ideas and a vision of the future,
Or so you say. You say we are better than you, you say we won't make the same mistakes
But you treat us like children who don't have a clue
You do not teach us to throw litter in the bins
You do not teach us to respect our elders
To respect the younger ones
To respect our friends
Our family
Anyone
We steal, we ****, we litter, we smoke, we pollute, we insult, we waste, we tag the walls, we break the windows, we cheat on our lovers, we bully the weak and the poor
And no one
No one
Says anything
And we don't care
It is not normal
We are supposed to be better than you, we are supposed to outsmart you
But you don't teach us better
You let us make the mistakes again and again and again without telling us how to solve the issues
I have heard dreadful things from young adults my age
"If you don't like the smoke, you can leave or I'll blow it in your face"
"Everyone throws their cigarettes **** on the floor, so I can, too"
"Someone will clean my **** for men they're paid for it"
"They're losers"
"My parents are *****"
"They only give my 600 euros per month to enjoy myself in Paris, it's *******"
"I'm not tipping, those Pakis get enough money as it is" when they earn 10 to 20 Dhs per day
"They don't have a family but at least they don't get yelled at"
"You don't drink? What a loser."
"Come on, come upstairs with me, you'll like it", when I've said no ten times already
"If you don't want to be picked up, don't walk so suggestively"
"Leave your **** here, they will clean it up for you"
DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
I respect people, their jobs, what they do, what they do it for, who they do it for
We are not the ******* kings of the planet.
Just because some people leave their **** does not mean you get to do the same
Just because some people go in the desert or at the beach and leave all their plastic bottles and wraps on the sand does not mean you get to do the same
Just because millions of people throw their cigarettes **** on the floor does not mean you get to do the same
Just because someone decided it was cool to stick your gum under the table or to spit it on the floor does not mean you get to do the same
What the **** is wrong with you people, thinking you own the place?
You're just visitors and your children will get to live in a ****** up world because of you
Not thanks to you!
Move it, do something, and don't give me that fatality **** "we all have to die one day"
Stupid excuse!
You grew up playing in the sand, the green grass, the white snow.
What do you want for your kids?
You want them to play in the sand covered in cig butts and empty broken beer bottles?
You want them to play in the brown, disgusting mud because grass can't grow anymore?
You want them to wonder what snow looks like, and if they will ever get to see it?
You want them to wonder how people used to die of old age instead of cancer?
Did you know every single on of our generation will die of cancer? All of us.
No exceptions.
Why?
Because of us.
We are the cause of our own deaths.
We already killed ourselves and we continue to go on the wrong direction
We have decided of our fates
And we think we get to choose our children's fate.
I say we don't.
We ******* ourselves into thinking nothing can be done now.
Wrong.
We can.
We just choose not to.
You choose not to.
You chose to be part of the bad part of the population, the one who decided to settle for less than what we deserve.
I refuse to stoop so low.
I chose to be part of the better part of population.
The one who thinks of a future that can still be improved, even if we won't be there to see it.
Be the change you want to see in the world, and don't settle for anything less than perfection.
397 · May 2016
More than words
The music is innocent
But the words are powerful
393 · Feb 2016
"Us"
I have always wanted to say
We are leaving
Thanks for inviting us

But there is just me
I am alone
Don't leave me

There is no us.
392 · May 2016
Unhelpful thoughts
But those eyes,
Ah,
I live for those eyes.
In a parallel universe I hold your hand
All night and that's all right
Our linked bodies clear the nightmares away
All night and that's all right
An armor formed of two bodies strong together
All night and that's all right
In an instant I surrender to the warmth and the calm
All night and that's all right
Your grip is tight, mine is tighter
All night long we dream along
I live in a world of incertitude
Where your hand might disappear
When my eyes open up and I blink the dream away
The shape of your body cuddled along mine
Blinks in and out of focus
The fear spears me and I dissolve in a puddle of terror
Liquid tear and phantom limbs
The ghost of who I was
Still broken by a boy
Magician stealer of hearts
Stealer of dignity
You said you had no dignity left, I did not know you would steal mine
384 · Oct 2014
Stained
I keep rubbing it
It won't come off
The image of you is engrained in my mind
Graved in my stone heart
With patience and determination you
Picked up a rock and rubbed my skin raw
No amount of scratching will make you disappear
Like stain on my heart
I wish I could rip it out
Rip you out
Of my life
382 · Mar 2015
New Routine
"I love you", I said.
"You said that already", he replied.
In this instance I think I loved you a little bit less.
Like a broken sink with an eternal drip,
My love rang empty when I called out your name.
Like a broken sink with an eternal drip,
I would sleep with the echo in my head of what could have been.
This morning I fixed my broken heart,
And with it all went
My past love for a memory.
381 · Jul 2015
Body parts
These hands haven't felt enough
These eyes have seen so much
This heart is broken
If
I sit very still
I can hear my heart *beat beat beating
377 · May 2015
Blind
When you said you couldn't see the stars
I thought
Liar
You must see them all for me
Describe the undescribable for someone who lives in darkness
But you looked and looked and never saw anything but a few pieces of sky
Broken on the side walk
Didn't pick them up
Never tried to fix it
You stared and let them turn to sand under the burning sun
You let me down
373 · Jun 2015
Killer rain
Why did we drop bombs on each other
Thinking it could bring peace?
372 · Mar 2015
Gaia
"I'd like to think poetry is both a hiding place and the centre of everything", Gaia whispered to the dark forest. She let the gust of air brush her hair aside and held her body tightly to keep warm.
November was known to let itself be known in all aspects of nature; the crippling red leaves dying soundlessly on the pavement, the freezing wind blasting cold air.
Gaia felt like November.
Cold and dying.
She sat in the middle of an empty field, talking to the space around her. People were often too hard to handle, while nature had always been a great listener.
nature forest november gaia earth poetry
368 · Sep 2014
Smeared paint
The idea of us gets blurred each day a bit more
When reality slaps its ugly truth
Onto my pattern of ideas
Smears the colours all over
Ruining the landscape I tried to paint
A future as bright as the sun
With no clouds on the horizon
Turned to a rainstorm
With no light in my field of vision
Lucky I like to stand in the rain
368 · Apr 2016
Deeper
You were the heart in my poems
You are the shadow behind the words
You were the light
You were the life
You are the heartache beneath my smile
You are darkness
And you
                  Pull
                           Me
                                  In
                                        ...
367 · Jun 2016
The winning prize
Once upon a time
A life was lost in the midst of lies
Truths were not told as they should
And wars began
Pain turned into a mistress all were doomed with
Each home was slayed with loss
A life was stolen among the good
To be found again only an act of truth
Could unleash the power of all things good
For truth is the only key
Of peace, love and action
And only in times of war
Can truth be set as the winning prize
To set a drop of water
Into an ocean of flames
And drown the pain of death
With the sparks of hope
Hope for a brave soul
Aiming for peace
And hoping for a better tomorrow.
She held her hands open in surrender
Did not flinch as death ignited through her body
Like a velvet blanket it covered her
Draping its dark shadows upon her open hands

Once upon a time
A little girl died
Killed by the misshapes of the world she lived in
*Hope bloomed
365 · Sep 2014
The saddest words
I was a stranger then






I am a stranger now
362 · Sep 2014
I, You, They
You are the wind and the sea
You are the sun and the stars
You are everything
When I look around all I see is
Everything reminds me of you I am
Lost in translation
No words can describe
You
Are not a three letter word
Or a sound in someone's mouth
You
Are not a simple pronoun used to be refered to
You
Are the galaxy in my universe
The ray of sunshine on a rainy day
You
Are not an exact definition of the word
You
Are so much more than
You
Do not know what it is like to be
Me
A simple two letter word which is never
A sound in someone's mouth I
Am not recognizable or worthy of attention
I
Am slowly disappearing into oblivion
I
Am a one letter word never used in any way
I
Am neither one or the other
I
Used to believe I would be a part of
Them
But I do not exist in their eyes
I
Am only a one letter word and
They
Are so much more than I could ever hope to be
You
Can grow one letter bigger but
I
Am to far away from
You
So I cease my useless efforts because
I
Am only a one letter word
Which is never relevant as it is never used
My mouth never opens to make me appear
Behind the mask of silence I hide my name
I
Am not only a one letter word but
I feel like an unsignificant piece of life
I
Do not want to disappear but
Who am I?
A one letter word in a silent mouth attached to an invisible soul.
361 · Jul 2015
Half-baked
You wish you knew
What's on my mind
The way I gaze
The way I lose myself
In horizons that only make sense
In my head.
360 · Sep 2014
Skinny food
I am tired
Of all the *******
Tired
Of watching myself in the mirror everyday
And think
"I'm not enough"
"It's not enough"
"I'm never enough"
Not skinny enough
Not small enough
Not gracious enough
Not funny enough
Not fit enough
Not beautiful enough
Not not not not not enough
Never enough
I want to dance in my underwear
And not care
About the size of my thighs
Of my *******
Of my ***
About the skin of my stomach
About the fact I'm not starving myself to feel pretty
Society succeeded
I feel like all I'm ever thinking of is weight
"Why do I eat that?"
"Why do you eat that? Do you want to be fat?"
Guilty
Of being human
Of craving sugar when women are
Expected
To eat
Air and
Grass
I'm not a cow
Why do you try to make me feel like one?
I'm
Tired
Of being taught to show off my shaved legs
And my flat stomach
And my flat *******
And my flat ***
Why are you doing this to us?
Why do I feel the need to dress like a *****?
And walk like a *****?
And act like a *****?
And not feel offended when I feel hands on me
Pushing at my clothes
Trying to see more
When all I want is dance and have a good time?
You teach me to show off skin
To starve my body
And you blame me when I get ***** in a corner
For being a ****
I'm just brainwashed
Like every other girl
Surrounded
By
Pictures
Videos
Slogans
Models
Guys
Who make fun of normal?
And ask
And request
And order
A skinny version of me, invisible me, size 00 me
Why can't I be myself?
And eat chocolate cake when I feel like it?
Why do I feel forced to eat a salad?
Why do I feel judged?
What is wrong with you
Making me feel less than I am
Worse than I look
Ugly when I'm not?
What is wrong with you
Making us throw up our lunches
And skip dinner
Wait for death to pick our boneless bodies up
When all we truly want is to be
Loved
Accepted
As we are.
I shouldn't feel bad looking at myself
I should feel bad looking at what Society tries to teach us
And feel ashamed that Humanity is Society
And Society is only what we made of it.
358 · Jun 2016
Sun
Sun
Gather hope in a cloak of dreams
Hide it in the folds of your heart
The sun will shine for you
Everytime
You reach
Into yourself
356 · Mar 2016
What they say
They say
It's all downhill from the first kiss
But if we snowball
From the top of the mountain
To the end of the Earth I want you to know:
What they say
Is worthless.
Kissing you never was downhill.
I have never been higher than when your lips used to touch mine.
Never have I been so high
On another person
355 · Sep 2014
Blind
I open my eyes but all I see is
Black
Blinding lack of bright color I
Try to open my eyes but all I see is the darkness of the world I
Want to see the blue blue sky I
Want to see the pink of love
The red of passion
The green of jealousy
The smile of friendship
The selfless act of kindness I
Want to see the beauty around my dark soul
The cure to cancer and all the diseases that plague the dying world I
Want to see the reason why their eyes light up their faces when mine
Rain all over my cheeks I
Want to believe in the stories told in books
Where the last seven words go
"And they all lived happily ever after"
I want to see
The simple eye contact of attraction I
Want to see the reason why people grin at the world
Want to see the colors of the rainbows but
I'm blind to all the good things in life
I'm blind to all that matters in life I
Am blind to love
Blind to hate
Blind to all the feelings because I am
Blind to the sun, blind to the night as they
Blend together in a grey canvas of hope and despair,
Of black and white
Of presence and absence
Of the reasons why the world is round
And why we have no such thing as peace I
Am blind to the kindness and the hatred I
Am blind to the great big world
As I live in my own universe I
Am a simple galaxy
Waiting for a black hole to finally absorb me in I
Am a grey canvas
And I wait.
355 · Dec 2014
On what I almost told you
"If you weren't in love with someone else I would be chasing you like the sun chases the moon, but there is no point in chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught. So for Christmas, I am letting you go."
I had held on to bonds that he had severed weeks ago.
Those bonds meant the world to me and nothing to him.
I needed to let things go, once and for all.
My nightmares were not worse than reality.
I wonder if death is like an eternal dream.
355 · Feb 2016
Silent
I cannot say goodbye
I have learnt to bow my head and stay silent
The silence is killing me
But if death is the price to pay for courage
I will accept my sentence in silence
I will plead with God
I will hope for the best
But I will stay silent

I cannot speak the words I long to say
I cannot be the person I loathe
I cannot act against my beliefs
I cannot
I will not
But the silence is killing me

I want to climb on top of a mountain
With you
I want to climb into your arms
At night
I want to be your person and for you to be
Mine
350 · Oct 2014
I, You, We, Us
Lose in a sea of thoughts
When ideas collide in a heap
But the one thought I cannot escape
And keep on running into
The idea of a simple life
Where I would be me
You would be you
But together
We
Would be
*Us.
348 · Sep 2014
Could have
I had never drank myself to sleep until yesterday, when I saw you touching her arm the way you used to touch my body.
And I cannot understand how you tumbled out of my life so fast, and yet here I am. Hungover and cut in two after watching you love her with every part of the soul I was hoping would be mine.
I obviously know nothing about capturing someone's attention because she caught you in 0.5 seconds and even I was impressed.
But know if you'd come at my apartment that night I invited you, you would have known what it felt like to own someone completely.
I could have made you so. *******. Happy.
I had prepared myself to fall for you so hard, I was ready to stay awake at night and catch your dreams in my hands so I could make them a reality, I was ready to buy you a Nerf gun and challenge you to win at a water fight, I was ready to walk at 3 am to lie in bed with you for 3 minutes, I was ready to embrace all the good and all the bad and kiss you so good you wouldn't be able to tell if it was a fantasy or if I'd been made for you by the very angels I curse right now.
I was ready to take the jump and trust you'd catch me but I fell flat on my face when she walked by.
I haven't found the strength to stand back up and fight yet.
But when I do, I will march on this ***** until she understands you do not mess with angels.
SERIOUSLY WHAT HAPPENED TO US
346 · Sep 2014
the way in
The sparkle in his eye
The dimple in his smile
She looks around and stares
At the life that passes her by
Each step she takes
Drives her backwards
Into a darkness
She can never escape
It pulls her under
And the memories rush back
The sparkle in his eye
The dimple in his smile
The breath she was desperately holding
To stay awake and keep her eyes open
Into the sea, the water clogging at her
Searching for a way in,
Deeper and deeper in.
345 · Sep 2014
who you are
You are the wind and the sea
You are the sun and the stars
You are everything
When I look around all I see is
Everything reminds me of you I am
Lost in translation
No words can describe
You
Are not a three letter word
Or a sound in someone's mouth
You
Are not a simple pronoun used to be refered to
You
Are the galaxy in my universe
The ray of sunshine on a rainy day
You
Are not an exact definition of the word
You
Are so much more than
You
Do not know what it is like to be
Me
A simple two letter word which is never
A sound in someone's mouth I
Am not recognizable or worthy of attention
I
Am slowly disappearing into oblivion
I
Am a one letter word never used in any way
I
Am neither one or the other
I
Used to believe I would be a part of
Them
But I do not exist in their eyes
I
Am only a one letter word and
They
Are so much more than I could ever hope to be
You
Can grow one letter bigger but
I
Am to far away from
You
So I cease my useless efforts because
I
Am only a one letter word
Which is never relevant as it is never used
My mouth never opens to make me appear
Behind the mask of silence I hide my name
I
Am not only a one letter word but
I feel like an unsignificant piece of life
I
Do not want to disappear but
Who am I?
A one letter word in a silent mouth attached to an invisible soul.
345 · Jun 2016
Damoclès
She was waiting for another hand in hers
Not for a sword through her heart
Things I have texted you in my mind, or how to be a grown up and **** it up:
1. Pretending I do not exist won't make me disappear
2. You have let me drown for weeks and I thought a nineteen years old boy would understand the need for a conversation. You cannot hold my head underwater and expect me to breathe like you are not suffocating me in your absence.
3. You twist me around your finger and pull away, expecting me to just unwrap myself and let you go. Do you know what happens when you wrap someone and pull? They break. You are slowly breaking me, twisting my feelings too tight to inhale life again.
4. Imagining I do not exist does not mean I am dead.  
5. But perhaps if I try hard enough to do the same thing it will make you disappear.
341 · Apr 2015
The rose
She used to walk on sunshine and talk like roses, soft and sweet, tender to the touch, easily bruised.
She had been manhandled and bruised many, many times.
Too many to count.
But each spring she blossomed and bloomed still, hoping to find the one who would touch her like a flower.
340 · Sep 2014
I am drinking
I am drinking myself to oblivion and you don't know why
I am drinking myself to oblivion and you're just fine
You haven't realized
I am drinking tonight
In a desperate attempt to forget you
The feel of your arms around me
The feel of your words on the back of my neck
The memories we build together
The first few bricks of what could have been an empire
The first few bricks you crushed under your foot
You destroyed me
Just like all the others have before you
Peaked at my soul,
Stole what you found
Ran away with pieces I can never get back
You're a thief and I'm hopeless
Unable to move on
Now that you have my heart
And I have nothing
Nothing but dust, tears and anger
For being a fool once again
Taking a step forward
Jumping into the void
In hope you would
Take the chance with me
You looked at me
And smiled away
I got blinded
Trusted you with my eyes closed
Didn't realize you were faking
Until from far away, I could tell your shape
Was still on the edge of the hole
And you have the ladder to bring me back
But behind you it stays still
As you watch me fall down
Fall in love
Hopelessly
340 · Nov 2014
Truth
Being with other people is a skill that I lost
339 · Nov 2014
Running out of time
I know things you'll never know
I know how my heartbeat stops when I lie in bed
I know the smiles on my family's face when I tell a joke
I know the breaths I hear in the silence aren't mine to waste
I hold my breath
And look around
Waiting for angels to appear
They said,
Hold your breath and watch the angels
Suffocation is the only way
To see things you would never even- in your wildest dreams-
Open your eyes to an alternate reality
Gag your mouth and tie the knot
Wait
Just

Wait

Can you hear?
Your heartbeat?
In your throat?
The angels are rising from the dead
They come to visit you
Will they take you?
Will they help you… out?
Can you hear?
Your heartbeat?
Is running out of… time?
339 · Apr 2016
Enough
People are so contradictory
They say
If you find something you love
Never give it up
They say
If you find someone you love
Let them go
My mind is torn between
Chasing after you to the end of the world
Because I love you
Or letting you leave me behind
Because I love you
When is it enough?
When do I know
*Enough
338 · Oct 2014
I will be a bird
Birds fly because they have wings.
They fall but never crash
They dip and loop and fly
If I take one more step I will fall
For an instant
I will be a bird

Suspended

In the air
I will dip and fall and perhaps open my arms to fly but
My heart is too heavy
It will drag me down with the force of gravity people
Think
Gravity
Holds you down but I know
That it's your cold stone weighting your feelings down
It keeps the soul from flying high where you wish you could go
Birds must be happier than humans
Their soul is out in the universe
For an instant, I will fly
For a fraction of a second I will belong to the world.
Free.
Gravity will pull my body down but my soul still soars free
335 · Sep 2014
The way you spoke my name
When you spoke my name
I could close my eyes and feel
How safe I sounded in your voice
How close to the sky you brought me
With a single sound
You lifted me
And my name on your lips
Was not said the way everyone else said it
My name of your lips
Sounded like
I had the key to heaven
I had your heart in my hands
I had your happiness in my soul
I had all the things you needed
In your voice I was perfect
But like the heart you took away from me
So did the way
You spoke my name

(I never would have dropped your heart
If only you would have left it in my hands
Instead of taking it to someone else
Who's hands will get slippery
And perhaps your heart will drop
And I won't say
I told you so
But your heart would have been safe in my hands)
(I will  take care of it if you bring it back)
333 · Sep 2014
Madness
People never know how low you can sink, how deep into the rabbit hole you can drop. Madness picks you up.
Madness is a weird thing.
It's a process. It's so small at first, so undetectable, that no one realizes what is happening until it is too late.
Once it happens, there is no going back.
But the descent is slow. It takes little bits of you everyday, every time someone or something hurt you.

Chip, chip, chip.

Like workers in a mine, chipping at the ground to find gold.
But there is no gold to be found in destruction.
There is only sadness, anger and despair. Despair leads the way to madness. Despair has no remorse, no boundaries. Despair will crush you down and won't stop. Despair leads you down and with it tumbles other feelings, incomprehension, frustration, desires, love, hate, they all follow you down and form this clumps of horrors you can't get out of. They keep you from breathing, speaking, hearing anything but your own despair.
And maybe you can't feel yourself change, but you do.
Slowly.
What once made you smile makes you smirk.
What once made you upset makes you smile.
Despair drills a hole in you body and, from it, everything that makes you you tumbles down and your body doesn't host a human anymore. It hosts a terrible thing. A shell of a human being with nothing left to lose. And that is the worst that can happen to anyone.
If there is no hope, no feelings, nothing, you become a danger.
There is nothing you wouldn't do.
Insanity doesn't destroy you.
It destroys everything around you.
Those who loved you one, those who cross your path. Anyone in contact with you loses a piece of themselves.
A hopeless person is a slow bomb. Its detonation is silent and lasts a long time, hurting hundreds of people.
Then, one day, it's over.
What if we could detect madness and cure it? I imagine a little goes a long way with madness.
I imagine a little love and care can solve the problem. Love is hope. Care shows importance. And if you matter, you don't get desperate.
I hope I never get desperate. I think, maybe, my family is keeping me sane. I would go insane without them. They are my hope. They show me I matter when no one else does.
But that isn't despair.
It's extreme, excruciating loneliness.
It hurts in your whole body, hurts on a cellular level. I think… it may be the worst kind of pain, when no one chooses to love you. Not because they are your family and feel the need to love you because you share blood. But because they think you are worth it.
I am not worth anyone's love.
And that is.
Just.
So.
****.
Painful.
My skin is one fire and I just stand there, burning alive forever.
But I am willing to burn forever more if it means I get to drown in hope one day.
332 · Oct 2014
Dress rehearsal
I have been breathing underwater for so long I cannot remember the last time I breathed air.
I cannot remember the last time my oxygen wasn't clogged by a mouthful of loneliness.
I cannot remember the last time I laughed and my voice didn't sound hollow in my ears.
I cannot remember the last time I opened my eyes in the morning, excited to see the new day.
I have been plagued by thoughts that drown me everyday a bit further down.
Voices in my head are turning circles trying to find a way out of my twisted mind.
I am going insane.
I stand on the edge of my roof and wait to see if the wind will give me a push.
I stare at myself in the mirror, hoping to find something alive in my features but all I see is dead tissue.
I try to rip the Band-Aid off to let the wound breathe but I rip my skin off instead.
I cry when I see people holding hands and laughing because I haven't laughed in years.
I have been dead inside for a month and I feel like time has stopped and eternity has already passed.
What is a life without a smile?
It is miserable.
I am miserable.
Miserably broken.
I am tired of trying and being broken again and again and again and again and again.
How do you live that way? How do you push through and get out on the other side?
I have done this so many times and yet I seem stuck in quicksand.
I struggle to get away and I get deeper and deeper in.
I cannot get away from my own thoughts.
I cannot get away from my own loneliness.
I am broken and my soul is leaking outside my body, my fingers are shaking and I cannot keep it inside.
I feel like I am dying everyday a new death when I wake up and realize I am still here.

Perhaps love is a dress rehearsal for death.
Inspired by a song "love is a way to die".
330 · Oct 2014
Hurt feelings (Cut)
You are hurting me
You left me drowning for weeks
We have been playing pretend for a while now but
You cannot hold my head underwater
And expect me to breathe
Like you are not suffocating me
In this lake of incomprehension.

Two months ago you grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it.
I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend.
We are going to eat pop corn and have water guns fight and build fires and laugh for hours


Somehow I was a stranger then and I am a stranger now
In a very different way, the dynamics changed
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To wrap your hand around my easy heart

And choke me from the inside
And anger is building inside me like a volcano

Anger is seeping into my veins because I have been nothing but nice

Yet
You make me feel like I am a bother
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To release me and slither away

As if I never mattered at all

As if I never existed at all
You told me I could be your friend
Only if you could be mine

You told me you would be there
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
***** data roaming


And it hurts because
Pretending I do not exist won't make me disappear
Ignoring the fact that I am alive
Doesn't mean I am dead.
I am very much alive
And I just don't understand
How I was your friend then
But I am nothing now
I have been choking on words for days
Wondering how I could talk to you
When we do not communicate anymore
Speaking out
Is always better than bottling feelings in
So I am speaking out in the only other way I know how
I do not expect anything
I just need to do this for my peace of mind
Because I cannot wonder forever
And stay silent
About the reason why you flushed
Our friendship down the drain.
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