Pressure
my lungs are under pressure
the lake has done nothing wrong
other than exist
in a time of humans
who see it as a fair way
to execute
I never learned to swim
I see their torchlight at the surface
it's so far away
my hands outstretched toward
the flames
they can't burn me while I'm down here
I may take some solace in that
yet
I feel this is somehow worse
because with fire I'll be ash
and the wind will whisk me away
but at the bottom of a lake
I'm doomed to look up
at dancing flames
for eternity
Don't drown me
please

I used to think my greatest fear was drowning
but I made peace with the water
and I no longer fear it in the way I used to.
I respect it,
but it has no conscious ability to drown me.
No, my fear has changed.
I fear boredom
and the horrible apathy that it leads to.
My mind is constantly racing with thoughts,
plans for the future,
possible conversations,
ideas for poems, stories, and art projects.
As well as what could be considered impossible.
But that is too much to handle at once
so I normally can focus my thoughts into one outlet at a time.
But then I became bored.
Nothing I normally did acted as a good outlet,
and my mind wandered to more negative ideas
that I had to fight myself to avoid.

Drink to slow down the thoughts
No, there's a history of alcoholism in my family.
Keep eating food, more and more food
No, I just ate, I'm not hungry.
Smoke a cigarette
No, I'm ******* asthmatic, you idiot.

Once those ideas have been shot down
I try to get myself to do what I normally do.

You have an unfinished painting, you should finish it
Not interested
What about the story you're working on?
Doesn't matter
How about finishing your work?
Boring
Necessary
Boring

And nothing appeases it
because nothing makes me feel anything in that moment.
So my thoughts reign supreme
and they hammer in my skull.
I can plan out the next 3 months
and be right about what happens.
But it's not worth my mind caving in on itself.
It's not worth it.

I always say to keep mind over matter
but I realize the horrible imbalance I have created.
By valuing my mind constantly
I forgot what matters.

So I fear boredom
because if I can not appease it.
Apathy will be in charge
and that ruins everything.

I hold my bible in my right hand
because I'm a God-fearing man and
Christianity has always been in style.
I like white because it's the color of surrender
red for my blood I'll never spill
and blue for the sky that I will rule.
Wear my brands like a badge of honor
and follow my lead
for I am the prophet of style
I profit off of stolen style
I'm the prophet of style
they should put my face on the dollar
for how much I profit off
"In God We Trust."

(but only trust me)

If you bury me
if you must
don't waste your time digging six feet
for your strength will fail
before you reach it
Keep my grave shallow
the dirt will keep me safe
ensconced in its arms
but will let me go before I rot
If I'm buried
than I have business left to me
that I must defeat
and I'll climb out of my grave
dust the dirt off my clothes
and the wind will cry a warning
to those with whom I must settle a score
and make their world nothing more
The earth will contain my fury
until I'm ready to unleash

I want to be ashes
just dust
I want to rise again some day
and I can't do that while I decay
in a coffin below the earth
I want to be set free
keep my ashes in a hearth
in an urn
or let the breeze
take me to where I wish to rest
let the earth's winds ******* away
and when you hear the wind howling
in Summer or in Autumn
in Winter or in Spring
you'll know it was just my way
of saying
hello
I'm at peace

I think it's snowing
but my vision is blurred
my glasses aren't on
i'm also inside
and there are no windows
but I still think it's snowing
that's why my vision is fuzzy
i'm not going to faint
it's snowing