cute,funny, smart
makes you wonder
whats behind the smile
charming, sweet, satisfying
may sooth the urge
for a little while
yet not your cup of tea
not a toy on a string
I've made up my mind
I'm not your play thing
I refuse to waste more
of my precious time
if you love me why wont
you just set me free?

I told him
     “I’m going to buy lots of make up,
some expensive clothes,
                              you know,
          the ones that come with logos,
and get a proper hair cut.
That’s how you like your girls,
          isn’t it?”
He walked over,
planted a kiss on my head and said,
“I like them smart,
                which you’re not being right now.”

And I think that was the best thing
                        he ever said.

There once was a mathematician, who
hypothesised long ago that I would
learn to love him. His words were all logic,
plans and placements, everything set in
stone for me to keep. He said that, one day,
my heart wouldn't break at the prospect
of love and that I would get over my
pure fear - of me, of him, of... us. He
promised that, one day, his love would be
returned to him when I realised exactly
what he was to me.

He was right.

But I was too late.

I do not just listen--
I analyze,
because the story might have
a real different ending


I do not just glance--
I observe,
for the view might be different
on the other side


It is not wrong to be careful
on what you should believe in

Vivid are all of my dreams,
Yes it's a place I go I believe,
I see visions, talk with spirits, feel,
When I am completely at rest.
Here, I am at a state where I am
Most alive when I am closer
To possible death, This warmth,
It fills me with a sense of truth,
The essence of my past, my youth.

I could have had riches and wealth,
I could have had everything, been a star,
I could have been a great musician,
I could have been famous, popular, gone "far."

But I would have given in to the age old
Way of the person who lacks confidence,
They need to be in the spotlight,
Hear the clapping near and far,
They need to over sacrifice,
They need to give up all their worth,
Sell out, become weaker, forget
Who they are.
*...and I am so much more than that.

Its time we let go of the notion
that our greatness is something to hide in our back pockets
lest we scare away a man

When I was young,  school was my place. As an awkward oddity I found solace in words and reading.

Wasn't long 'til I was being called brilliant. Those days were some of the few times in my childhood life I felt strong and confident and worth something.

I was sent to an advanced school. I ate books like candy. I had a passion for knowledge and wisdom.

So what happened?

As my head got cloudier, I fell more and more behind. Well, behind for me. I was still an AP kid, so nerdy and there. But I was also quiet and, for AP, pretty average.

I stopped excelling in sciences and math as much as I used to. Everything got so much blurrier around then. As my head got more and more uncontrollable, the less brilliant I became. And the more I hated myself for it.

I could barely take time to feel everything but the raging inferno of emotions that was slowly taking over my life. I had learned to lie too well about it, so well that it was nearly my entire being by the time I finally got to stopping it.

For years I had to accept going from brilliant to average, and I accepted it as just my place. That I excelled in youth but dropped off and being good at writing would be my last, final brilliancy.

Then, nearly a decade after things began to go nuclear,  my head began to cool.

I sometimes fear how clear everything feels, how the touch of my fingertips on my keyboard still feel beautiful but in a less insatiable way. How the sky is blue and everything makes sense and how my mind craves to know more and more.

I am excelling. I am standing in front of classes that I am clearly not as qualified for and doing well. And, by god, the whole beauty of it is that doing well does not correlate to this buzzing going on in the back of my head as if its about to explode. I just feel it. This energy coursing through me that loves to know and remember and learn and do everything in my power to make everything I do wonderful. Its like magic but I know its not, its me. I didn't know "me" could be brilliant anymore. I was nearly certain "me" couldn't. I was a writer, and I was content.

But now there's this thing inside me I haven't felt in years, that has two wide eyes and wants to feel the world. Its curious and strong. I didn't think I was that strong either. I thought I just knew emotions and pretty words.

I sit here, though, and I am brilliant. It feels so arrogant and cocky to say, but I'm me again. I'm the little girl who got lost in the fire, but I thought she burned and died.

Yet as my head finally cools and the ashes fall, she reemerges and she's like some unbelievable phoenix inside my soul.

I thought I had to accept I could never be anything like the brilliant little girl that got swallowed by a monster inside of her. That I had to accept losses like I accepted losing everything I loved in my life for 18 years.

But I don't have to lose everything. I don't have to assume all that is lost is gone.

I am reading, and I am learning, and I am growing. There is this new growth in the old, weathered forests of my consciousness. It didn't have to resign to its ways, it can be anything. I can be anything.

Because finally, after years of forgetting, I am brilliant.

In the beginning our creation was supposed to lead to our damnnation
And as i grew, i cried myself away, but those tears carried me through the day.
More and more through perseverance I find my heart is still beating in these dark times are receiving and I've seen many days turn to Dawn
and I often feel so alone, so gone
but I always ask the question
if I speak will i inspire the weak?
because we all start somewhere
humble beginnings,
and through a Dark Night comes a bright day and the brightest day starts today.
Don't just hear my words but listen to what makes them true.
the beginning is now the clock is started.
we all have a beating heart in our chest that we can call our own
and it's our feelings that we choose to postpone.
but continue to breathe
it's what counts now.
This house you hope to build needs a foundation and maybe you've heard this before
but inspiration is the route on which we grow.
but how can one know because somewhere between the lines there always seems to be lies and deception and this is the Inception of Hope of great and yeah we all go through some hard...well never mind let's keep that refined.
We gotta take this jump it's a cliff away and we might not make it but there is always the chance .
There is a crown and scepter at our feet, but are we brave enough to take this job?
we have a place in the world.
we really do
it's a challenge to believe especially when we're always put down this is the place to start here the place you stand if you need a giant arrow make one ,
but be sure to make sure someone *knows your name