First Steps
by Michael R. Burch

for Caitlin Shea Murphy

To her a year is like infinity,
each day—an adventure never-ending.
    She has no concept of time,
    but already has begun the climb—
from childhood to womanhood recklessly ascending.

I would caution her, "No! Wait!
There will be time enough another day . . .
    time to learn the Truth
    and to slowly shed your youth,
but for now, sweet child, go carefully on your way! . . ."

But her time is not a time for cautious words,
nor a time for measured, careful understanding.
    She is just certain
    that, by grabbing the curtain,
in a moment she will finally be standing!

Little does she know that her first few steps
will hurtle her on her way
    through childhood to adolescence,
    and then, finally, pubescence . . .
while, just as swiftly, I’ll be going gray!

Keywords/Tags: child, childhood, adolescence, pubescence, growing up, first steps, walking, running, aging

I ran from responsibility.
I ran from my fears.
And now, I'm running into your arms because you're here.

the sun is gazing at me
though tried, but still on me
i look away
i run away
still, the sun is smiling at me

I am nothing
without a soul
just a hollow shell.

I am nothing
without my thoughts
just a fool on the line.

I have nothing
left to give
I am just running from myself.

I wish I had something
left to hold on to
feels like I'm drowning in the sand.

I feel nothing
running all alone
till I bleed myself dry.

I am nothing
without you
I wish you could've stayed
I don't know where you're gone.

I've been here for a while,
I can't go home like this, not without a smile.
I've been here,hoping you will notice me,
My tears keep flowing to the sea.

I've been here all by myself,
You know i love you and nobody else.
I've been here, waiting and waiting for your sign,
Will the sun ever shine?.

I'm in fears but nobody hears,
After it ends in tears I'll disappear.
All my life I've been running slow,
Nobody comes close cos they know I have no medal to show.

I've always been the last one to jump the huddle,
Please put a bullet to my gun, 1.2..3... I'll save you the troubles.
I've left you a blank note behind your door,
Please don't ask me what it's for.
I got nothing to lose,
I got nothing to prove.

feet pounding
ahead and behind me.
hearts racing
all at once.
adrenaline pulsing
through our brains as we think towards our goal.
3.1 miles
through trails, grass, hills, gravel.
3.1 miles
of speed, pain, sweat, and tears.
3.1 miles
of tempo, pace, surging, grit.
3.1 miles
till the euphoria that lasts for hours.
this is cross country.
this is my home.

And I'll run until I can't remember
the weight of your hands on my hips
until I can smell your shampoo
and not wish to run my hands through your hair.

I'll run until I forget
what it was like to stand still and be held
so close to your beating heart.
Until that afternoon
where I was pinned underneath you
fades completely from my memory.

Yes, I'll run and scream and fight
until I can walk beside you
without a heart of lead carving ruts in my wake
without casting glances
and admiring your beauty.
I will rage and burn
until I can see a bougainvillea
without immediately hearing your voice;
your careful singing in my shower,
your laugh, your low, stolen whispers.

And I'll keep weeping and wishing
that there were no kisses to forget,
no notes to burn or keep,
no flowers that crumble in my grasp,
no shirts that smell like you,
no jigsaw hollows where you still fit perfectly.
Wondering how long it will be
before the songs don't make me think of you
before the kitchen is just the kitchen
and my bedroom is just a bedroom.
                               before I fulfill your wish
                               and we are just friends again.

Friends who once snuck off,
held hands,
talked at midnight,
shared a bed (albeit only once)
shared favorite memories,
played guitar in the dark,
laughed at their own shy ways,
almost kissed,
almost became more.

Almost made it.

I will grind myself to dust,
if only it makes it easy to swallow
the bitter break of a first love,
a stolen heart, returned only to shatter
in my grasp. We hugged quickly, spun apart
when all I wanted is to cry and hold you
the way a dying man clings to the lifeboat.