i wish so desperately to find solace in You i want to believe in You wholeheartedly but for some reason i cannot i was raised to follow You and believe in You but i feel You have left me in the dark i am trying to see Your light through the forest but i cannot i don't feel Your love the way i once did You don't touch me the way You used to as i kneeled before You on sundays i know You are real and the Son is real but i am having a hard time understanding why i am here and why my prayers have gone unanswered You have a purpose for me but what is it?
are you even there? because i feel like i've been leaving voicemails in a long lost friends mailbox and never receiving a call back and now i cannot leave anymore because it is full
do you even hear me? i've been screaming my prayers for a long time now and i am getting desperate i just want some of your guidence please help me navigate through the stormy waters i am going to be swallowed up in
do you even know me? i am one of your children yet i feel left behind like the lost sheep matthew and luke spoke of but nobody is coming to find me
is it because i don't go to church on sunday? is it because i don't read the bible? is it because i don't know the stories by heart? what is it? please. i am lost and i don't think i will be found this time
please give me some guidence show me your face just give me something so i can make it through to see the sun rise tomorrow
see adults do not and oftentimes they are disinterested and annoyed by children at play their joyous cries and screams and laughter that fill the air around the playground are just annoyances the real games of pretend they play are lost to adult onlookers but maybe as we age we can no longer see the dragon guarding the princess's tower or the jungle that is the monkey bars now all we see is a landing at the top of the ladder leading to the slides and metal monkey bars with chipping paint the secret language they communicate with was once something we could comprehend but now it is just incoherent babbling
play is something we would do with reckless abandon spending hours outside with friends, siblings, cousins, or solo creating these fantasy worlds in every corner of the schoolyard using sidewalk chalk to draw neighborhoods for ants crawling across the blacktop
sometimes we just need to let go and try to salvage any pieces of our imagination in order to escape from the stress of the office or the bills that are more than expected sometimes we have to escape back into that child-like mindset in which the world is your playground a mindset in which the world is what you make it not what it makes you
so next time you pass a playground or schoolyard roll down your windows and listen to the language of play take a minute to remember that you were once one of those children
next time a child asks you if you want to play play with them rediscover the world with the sense of wonder you once had
last spring i was somewhat happy you kissed me on a street corner after we spent the day drinking coffee and beach combing then you tried to push my boundaries in your car in a random parking lot but i wouldn't let you. then things were okay and shortly thereafter we put a label on it then you met my parents.
this time last year i was waiting for a text that i never received i was waiting for a call back but the phone never rang i had never been so hurt before you planted roots in my heart and my brain, though retrospectively i realize they were superficial at best
it has been over a year since that day and i still wonder why you ended things in such a cowardly way was it because i wouldn't let you touch me? was it because i didn't want to be just friends? or just benefits?
since then i discovered it takes incredible strength to put myself back together but just a few simple words to tear my world apart i let myself be played and taken advantage of because after you, that's what I thought i deserved
last year i lost sight of everything i lost my love for life
long story short, i was ghosted by my (now) ex-boyfriend. after, i spiraled into a deep depression but i was able to heal somewhat and put myself back together. but, that was even worse after i was led on by another man (who, miraculously, i am still friends with) which sent me even deeper into the depression i fought so hard to get out of. this poem might not make much sense but i needed to get it out of my system.
She was just an old woman. Just like any other I'd ever seen. But for the first time in my life I saw a beauty and the details of what surrounded me.
I can't tell you what voice told me to reach out but I helped this woman. Something to small and so benign.
"I wish there more out there like you" She said Ma'am if only you knew. If you knew the reason I'm in this bookstore If you knew the reason I'm in this town, this place at all. If only you could see past your clearance shelf books and see what monster stands beside you.
God bless you she says. Her words made me choke, both choke in and choke up. I wish I could say this is all made up.
You see the reason I'm here Is because I'm fighting the urge not to die I'm fighting these feelings of wanting to get high.
Ma'am if you knew that I'm hear seeking the only friend I have left, that I'm so desperate for acceptance right now because my life and my plans and my dreams are upside down.
So here I am. At the end of me. Ma'am if only you knew. But the reason I was here Was to buy 2 books costing as much as the 6 you took. Ma'am I wish YOU knew how your words shook. And if I never see you again I hope you got home safe. I hope you sleep well and dream I hope my deed and my "god bless you miss" was more than it seemed. Because I didn't stay to talk, I didn't tell you you're beautiful. I didn't tell you anything. But did my Lord? Of this I am sure. I should've told you that you're loved I should've helped you to your car. Just Something meaningful Not so subpar.
Ma'am if only you knew What I've done to get here. But I walked away from that store And I softly and most surely knew I was at that bookstore, for you.
it's like i have it all good grades, a job, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, a boyfriend who i love more than life itself - a feeling that is reciprocated tenfold.
i feel the shadow of an emptiness that i can't seem to fill the remnants of a sadness that was once so profound still linger in my consciousness and although small are mighty they are capable of eating me alive and my soul drowns in their waters i feel as if i don't deserve the good i have i feel as if i don't deserve the love that is given to me i thank the powers that be for everything that i have yet if i say this out loud i think i seem ungrateful