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J May 28
i’m sitting scrolling through Instagram taking a 5 minute brain break from my grad class work
about urban education policy which breaks my heart
because education policy and initiatives in urban school districts don’t take into account
poverty
unsafe living conditions
mom working 3 jobs just to put food on the table and keep the lights on
violence
drugs
all of which are exacerbated by the pandemic we’re in right now

all i need is 5 minutes to escape from that
but as i scroll
all i can see is
******
death
sadness
rage

another unarmed back man was murdered by white cops
another cry of “i can’t breathe”
another child died of starvation
another plane crashed
another trans woman of color was murdered
another kid committed suicide
another animal was shot so someone could have bacon for breakfast
another black man was harassed by a white woman while birdwatching in the park
another woman was beaten by her husband while quarantined together

all i need is 5 minutes
to escape the
******
death
sadness
rage
that’s everywhere

i’m just tired
everything i’ve seen today has broken my heart
everything i saw yesterday broke my heart
and the day before that
and the day before that
and the day before that

how can i help make change if i’m so **** tired all the time?
J May 5
4x1
4pm cold brew always seems like a good idea at the time
on top of the world
senses are heightened
cat-like reflexes are activated
spidey senses are tingling
colors have taste

but that 4pm cold brew turns into 2am anxiety and overthinking
mind running in every position on all of the the 4x1 teams at states
“if only i hadn’t said that”
“what if i just gave them what they wanted?”
2 turns to 3
(tears slowly stream down temples; eyes glued to tracing patterns in the ceiling)
3 turns to 4
“where did i go wrong?”
and so on
finally the sky turns purple
eyes close
crows caw
the sun is here to say “hey”
(eyeballs burn under closed lids; jaw clenches)
time to start your day
J Apr 3
i never really thought an almost stranger’s second floor apartment could make me feel at ease

it was a houseful that night but even after almost everyone with a long drive home left
it still felt ***** even though i barely knew anyone who stayed
if it were anywhere else
i would have stayed bottled up all night
and left when they did
even though i live ten minutes away
but something about that place
and the almost stranger who calls it home
made me feel more comfortable than i have since coming to this new place

not even my space feels like that
J Apr 1
run
i has a dream i was running
feet pounding on the ground
(left
right
left
right)
breathing just hard enough to be uncomfortable
(in
out
in
out
in
out)
arms hanging low
swinging just enough to help propel me forward

i felt so free
striding down the road and onto the trail
dodging roots and rocks
jumping over fallen trees
soaring down hills
flying across the woods

i felt so free
just the earth and me
J Mar 20
waking up alone is something i never thought i would experience
but
it happened

we stayed up talking on my futon until 2am
but neither of us realized the time because we were laughing more than i think we both laughed in a long time
and you told me to stay with you on my ****** futon for those few hours before the sun came up
but i made up a ******* excuse about not being able to sleep outside of my own bed
probably because i didn’t want to let myself feel what i knew was real
what you told me just minutes before we kissed to see if we felt anything
and ******* i felt something

i wouldn’t have kissed back if i didn’t

i should have stayed with you on the futon
maybe i would’ve slept
maybe i wouldn’t have woken up alone
with just a note on the futon
J Mar 15
choose love
and joy
and happiness
and love
and hope
and love
and joy
and hope
and love
and love
and
love
and

love
i know things are really scary and uncertain right now. this is just a reminder that there is good and light left
J Feb 26
i just really need to kiss someone
feel that thrill
and excitement
of what could come next

i just really need to cuddle with someone
feel the closeness
and intimacy
of being close to another person

i just really need to hug someone
feel that comfort
and relief
of having someone else’s arms around me

i just really need to be close to someone
just to feel another person
that physical feeling of touching another human being

no strings attached
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