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J Jul 2017
You
i wish so desperately to find solace in
You
i want to believe in You wholeheartedly
but for some reason
i cannot
i was raised to follow You and believe in
You
but i feel You have left me in the dark
i am trying to see Your light through the forest
but i cannot
i don't feel Your love the way i once did
You don't touch me the way You used to as i kneeled before You on sundays
i know You are real and the Son is real
but i am having a hard time understanding why i am here
and why my prayers have gone unanswered
You have a purpose for me
but what is it?
J Jul 2017
hey, god
it's me.

are you even there?
because i feel like i've been leaving voicemails in a long lost friends mailbox and never receiving a call back
and now i cannot leave anymore because it is full  

do you even hear me?
i've been screaming my prayers for a long time now and
i
am
getting
desperate
i just want some of your guidence
please
help me navigate through the stormy waters i am going to be swallowed up in

do you even know me?
i am one of your children
yet i feel left behind
like the lost sheep matthew and luke spoke of
but nobody is coming to find me

is it because i don't go to church on sunday?
is it because i don't read the bible?
is it because i don't know the stories by heart?
what is it?
please.
i am lost and i don't think i will be found this time

please
give me some guidence
show me your face
just give me something so i can make it through to see the sun rise tomorrow
J Jul 2017
lately
i have had the drive to write
but
the words are not coming
J Jun 2017
what do children do?
they play

see
adults do not and oftentimes they are disinterested and annoyed by children at play
their joyous cries and screams and laughter that fill the air around the playground are just annoyances
the real games of pretend they play are lost to adult onlookers
but maybe as we age we can no longer see the dragon guarding the princess's tower
or
the jungle that is the monkey bars
now all we see is a landing at the top of the ladder leading to the slides and metal monkey bars with chipping paint
the secret language they communicate with was once something we could comprehend but now it is just incoherent babbling  

play is something we would do with reckless abandon
spending hours outside with friends, siblings, cousins, or solo
creating these fantasy worlds in every corner of the schoolyard
using sidewalk chalk to draw neighborhoods for ants crawling across the blacktop

sometimes we just need to let go and try to salvage any pieces of our imagination in order to escape from the stress of the office or the bills that are more than expected
sometimes we have to escape back into that child-like mindset in which the world is your playground
a mindset in which the world is what you make it
not what it makes you

so next time you pass a playground or schoolyard
roll down your windows and listen to the language of play
take a minute to remember that you were once one of those children

next time a child asks you if you want to play
play with them
rediscover the world with the sense of wonder you once had

don't be afraid to play
J Jun 2017
last spring
i was somewhat happy
you kissed me on a street corner after we spent the day drinking coffee and beach combing
then you tried to push my boundaries in your car in a random parking lot
but i wouldn't let you.
then things were okay
and shortly thereafter we put a label on it
then you met my parents.

this time last year
i was waiting for a text that i never received
i was waiting for a call back but the phone never rang
i had never been so hurt before
you planted roots in my heart and my brain, though retrospectively i realize they were superficial at best

it has been over a year since that day
and i still wonder why you ended things in such a cowardly way
was it because i wouldn't let you touch me?
was it because i didn't want to be just friends? or just benefits?

since then
i discovered it takes incredible strength to put myself back together
but just a few simple words to tear my world apart
i let myself be played and taken advantage of because after you, that's what I thought i deserved

last year i lost sight of everything
i lost my love for life
long story short, i was ghosted by my (now) ex-boyfriend. after, i spiraled into a deep depression but i was able to heal somewhat and put myself back together. but, that was even worse after i was led on by another man (who, miraculously, i am still friends with) which sent me even deeper into the depression i fought so hard to get out of. this poem might not make much sense but i needed to get it out of my system.
  Jun 2017 J
XslyfoxX
She was just an old woman.
Just like any other I'd ever seen.
But for the first time in my life
I saw a beauty and the details
of what surrounded me.

I can't tell you what voice told me to reach out but I helped this woman.
Something to small and so benign.

"I wish there more out there like you"
She said
Ma'am if only you knew.
If you knew the reason I'm in this bookstore
If you knew the reason I'm in this town, this place at all.
If only you could see past your clearance shelf books and see what monster stands beside you.

God bless you she says.
Her words made me choke, both choke in and choke up.
I wish I could say this is all made up.

You see the reason I'm here
Is because I'm fighting the urge not to die
I'm fighting these feelings of wanting  to get high.

Ma'am if you knew that I'm hear seeking the only friend I have left,
that I'm so desperate for acceptance right now because my life and my plans and my dreams are upside down.

So here I am.
At the end of me.
Ma'am if only you knew.
But the reason I was here
Was to buy 2 books costing as much as the 6 you took.
Ma'am I wish YOU knew how your words shook.
And if I never see you again I hope you got home safe.
I hope you sleep well and dream
I hope my deed and my "god bless you miss" was more than it seemed.
Because I didn't stay to talk,
I didn't tell you you're beautiful.
I didn't tell you anything.
But did my Lord?
Of this I am sure.
I should've told you that you're loved
I should've helped you to your car.
Just Something meaningful
Not so subpar.

Ma'am if only you knew
What I've done to get here.
But I walked away from that store
And I softly and most surely knew
I was at that bookstore, for you.
J Jun 2017
it's like i have it all
good grades, a job, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, a boyfriend who i love more than life itself - a feeling that is reciprocated tenfold.

yet

i feel the shadow of an emptiness that i can't seem to fill
the remnants of a sadness that was once so profound still linger in my consciousness and
although small
are mighty
they are capable of eating me alive and my soul drowns in their waters
i feel as if i don't deserve the good i have
i feel as if i don't deserve the love that is given to me
i thank the powers that be for everything that i have
yet
if i say this out loud
i think i seem ungrateful
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