06 10 2020

Let this be my goodbye
to that gold us, three years ago

it is raining once again
after that long summertime
when I found my skin stressed
and rough
and uglier, maybe

as I stayed up
in my holy place
the warm breeze from the outside
and cool air from the fan
touch my inglorious body
like how those bittersweet, melodramatic memories
touch my scarred soul

I hear the birds chirping
and I wonder if it’s a song
of sorrow
or of joy–
singing to the neighborhood
that the rainy season has begun

or maybe,
it’s just some of their small talk
and perhaps,
it’s just me trying so hard
to look mysteriously poetic

but here I am,
holding back the river
as I write this entry,
and as I ponder with the rain

how I remember those days
staying up late in my holy place
asking God how you are

and I remember when we walked
through that heavenly forest,
we heard the birds chirping
but I never wondered if they sang
out of their sorrow,
or of their joy

I remember that small talk –
how I wish we had it a little longer
I remember not trying so hard
to be me
when you just made everything so real
and so dreamy–that I don’t want to wake up from this ever again,
at the same time

but now
is the time
when I don’t want to sleep
until I could finally bid goodbye–
and as I do,
I want to remember that moment
that moment
for the last time;
that moment

when we first said hello
in August, three years ago



that was in August,
three years ago.


Maraming salamat sa'yo, aking kaibigan, aking kapatid. :)

We are hidden,
   The memories
   The thoughts
   The joy
   The experiences of your past

We get so stuck behind the thoughts of your daily struggles
You forget us
We make you who you are
We want you to remember us
All you have to do is listen

Listen

To the look on your fathers face when you walked into his arms for the first time

To the joy on his face when he taught you how to swim and played with you in the water

To the determination that never allowed your pain to stop you from getting out of your hospital bed

Every time

To the joy you spread to others from simply a smile shared

Remember us,
             We are here just pay attention

dear sweet 爱 I miss you
I can see you perfectly now.
But was shockingly blind when you were near
to lend a loving ear or shake my heart to tears

why does my heart expand at the thought of you
as if I would promise you everything
when I could give you nothing

I would sit by you
serenaded by your that voice
your simple  elegance that,
that couldn't be demonstrated
by nonother than you

show me how to love you
I will cling to you as the earth clinging to the sun
so that we may
one day
give it another run

I remember the hugs you used to give me before I really knew you.

I remember feeling weirded out by you asking me out over instagram.

I remember the first time I stood close to you, thinking I felt something there.

I remember you saying hurtful things in the beginning.

I remember sitting in the back of my car, just talking until 1am.

I remember being unsure if I wanted to be with you at first.

I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm, and asking you to kiss me because you were too oblivious to do so.

I remember feeling rushed by your want for instant commitment.

I remember how much I wanted you, and how right it felt being with you.

I remember feeling weird about dating someone from work.

I remember the times you made me cry of happiness.

I remember being hesitant about going public about our relationship.

I remember times I was shocked at how intelligent you seemed.

I remember being frustrated at how stubborn you were sometimes.

I remember how happy it felt to be in the car with you.

I remember the times when you let me down or left me to my own devices when I was sad.

I remember how you made me feel like I was a kid again.

I remember the time I sat crying on the floor after you told me I'd have to give up passing my culture to my kids.

I remember wearing your jacket in North Carolina because it made me feel like you were there.

I remember talking to my guy friend on New Year's because you went to sleep and missed midnight.

I remember the smell of your laundry detergent and how it makes me smile even now.

I remember the times you said you weren't sure if you wanted me around.

I remember loving your family and wanting to be a part of it.

I remember your family kicking me out onto the street when I became an inconvenience.

I remember the times I just wanted to stare at your face because I couldn't believe I loved someone this much.

I remember wondering if you ever truly loved me.

I remember the things you did for me that made me feel loved and complete.

I remember the times when I felt like a burden to you.

I remember the times you were truly there when I needed you, even when it was inconvenient to you.

I remember the times when you weren't.

I remember the kisses you'd give before going to work in the morning.

I remember feeling lonely on the days I didn't hear from you.

I remember loving your flaws, because they were a part of you.

I remember telling myself that your behavior was ok because there was an explanation.

I don't want to remember the ugly. I know it was there. But I don't want to think of you that way. I want to think of you fast asleep on my chest after a long day.

I want to think of not being able to wake you up because you are such a heavy sleeper.

I want to think of you getting excited over snails.

I want to think of your kindness.

I want to think of your love.

But that is not all there was.

There was hurt. There was pain. And there were times I sacrificed who I was to be loved by you.

But I don't want to remember that. I want to remember the love.

I don't hate you
You were my favorite person
Growing up

I'm just disappointed in how
Different you are
From what I remembered

i tried to search you from the obviousness
with the help of the memories I've gathered
but all I am is helpless
perhaps, my memory is all withered

i tried to find you with the clues you have given
all what you had left I tried using
but now even the odds have turned even
still, there is not much finding

even if I won't find you
remember that I tried
though I'm not sure if what we had was true
remember, I'll always be by your side

Whatever I do, Wherever I go
A certain image flashes in my mind
And a feeling wells inside me
One of a mixture of sadness and hope

That there is something left to do
Yet when I try to recollect that image
There is nothing
It disappear, leaving no trace
And leaving me with the feeling
That there is something missing in my life