A miserable excitement
Intertwined existence that patiently sways towards reflection
Constant deprivation of relationships and that damage they return
Beliefs are viewed as limitations that stumble through experiances -- laced with nonsense

Myself?
I wave a scarlet flag that has been aged and tattered by the silhouettes of society.

Life is too short to be miserable.
Do what you love whenever possible.
Whether you live to work or work to live
It is vital you maintain perspective!

It's been a while since I've tried writing the loneliness out of my soul.
but how do I stop feeling so alone?
can I cage up the feeling somewhere away from my bones
so I can breathe easy again without the voice in my head saying
"you don't deserve to be loved" and "you'll never have anyone to hold"
because it's true, and i feel bad when i look at you,
and when i hold you my hands are full of apologies,
selfishly not wanting to be empty, but in the end we let go.
we always let go and i'm always alone and i want to be free
of wanting to be otherwise. i want to stop being so restless on my own at night,
pleading with whoever's on the moon to give me someone too,
hoping for friends and for something more and for love that will forgive me for wanting it too much,
for desiring what i don't deserve, for a soft voice that will say, "it's okay. i want to love you anyway."
but i'll settle for nights that don't feel so cold; i just want to feel okay on my own,
no tears slipping down my cheeks when all i want is to sleep.
i want to stop feeling empty, i wish my bones would know they're home -
i am my own safe place. i want to be alright. at night i clutch a pillow to my chest so tight
it's like i am trying to squeeze my heart numb.

It is in breathing with difficulty that I begin to admire the ability to breathe easily
It is in moments of sadness that I begin to miss fleeting moments of happiness..no matter how minuscule
It is in the midst of panic that I  reach for the serenity that had once surrounded me

my sadness feels like home
the only part of me that's stayed
every part of me gone
except sadness, all ******* day

it welcomes me in the morning
when i get out of bed
it gets me ready for the long ******* day ahead

it waits patiently for the best time
to sneak into my mind to remind me why i cry all the ******* time my sadness lets me know when its not safe to come out so i stay inside without a doubt knowing im only spiraling down a pitch black hole to a future without a soul my sadness makes sure im enjoying my time a smile on its face as i try to unwind whats already untangled- nothing adds up.


ill never be good enough it tells me in my ear.
my sadness is my home, for the rest of my years

Lie to me straight to my face
Lie my clothes off lie my legs open
Lie your way into me and watch as the lies roll off your tongue and on to mine
And I take them in without question because trust is what I believed we actually had
But truth and lies don't hold hands and neither do we
Your hands in mine but your hands in hers
Your hands touching me lying to me
Your hands spreading your filth and your guilt
You grab me with these same hands the same hands that formulated the lies spewing from your mouth
Spewing like toxins released I'm gagging on your words
The fumes choke me endlessly I struggle to breathe
You laugh because it's funny, I'm gullible
Or do I just trust too much I trust your sinful lips
Sinful hands sinful teeth hissing promises
Promises you know you can't keep yet you promise promise away
Promises I believe promises I believe you can keep
Promises that enter my bloodstream enter my wounds
They poison me I slowly unravel but your promises keep me breathing
Until they unravel into themselves and you forget why you lied in the first place and you
LEAVE

You leave.
And you poison another you poison her lungs
They bleed they bleed for you as mine did
But now my heart fills with gasoline
A fire too strong to put out it ignites still
With every beat flame arises I melt my insides I'm melting

Lies roll off your tongue and on to mine
I can taste you still.

I'm not sure if it's allergies,
Or maybe anxiety;
But burning tears come to my eyes,
And I deal with them quietly.

I always forget to take a breath—
Whether it's stolen away,
Or whether it catches in my throat,
Because there's nothing I can say.

A cold lump moved into my stomach—
It hasn't moved for weeks;
And the nausea that comes upon me
Drains the color from my cheeks.

Icicles of panic stab
My raw and tender conscience;
The voices inside my head keep screaming,
"No!" And I have to constantly fight this.

I can't sit still and just take this
I shudder, shiver and shake
I feel exposed and yet alone
How much more can I take?

What is wrong with this body?
And all the emotions inside?
If I could, I'd run to the mountains
To find a place to hide.

Surrounded by friends I think I know,
But who've never known me
I tell myself that that's a lie
I tell myself I'm not lonely.

If I once feel right again
If this throbbing in my head can cease
I'll take that as a sign from above
And soak in every second of peace.